The Unbelievable Truth - 24x03 Furniture, Birthdays, Phobias, Rocks

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

24x03 29 June 2020 Henning Wehn, Lou Sanders, Sindhu Vee, Neil Delamere Furniture, Birthdays, Phobias, Rocks

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, a panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Thanks for joining us. If you want to know the time, we think it's June. Tonight we welcome panellists from England, Ireland, Germany and India in an international celebration of lying.

Please welcome Lou Sanders, Neil Delamere, Sindhu V and Henning Vane. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vyn. Henning is from Germany, but moved to England in 2002. Looks like he picked the wrong country to have a pandemic in. No, I think you do the pandemics better than any other country, really. I mean, for pandemic lovers, this is the place to be.

I see. We're not wasting it, are we? No, you're definitely making the most of it. Yeah, you want to notice it, don't you? That's the main aim in central government. How can we make this pandemic noticeable? Henning, your subject is furniture. Moveable objects used to make a room or building suitable for living in, such as tables, chairs and beds.

Before you start, Henning, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Henning goes... Thank you. Sindhu. Lovely. Reception desk pinger. Neil. Classic. That was when we had parties. And Lou.

Great. So, please start your lecture, Henning, and buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. A search of the King James Bible reveals 112 tables but no chairs the bible mentions a sandal rack in heaven in the book of leviticus never sure how to pronounce him well it's not like that leviticus i do think henning is unsure how to pronounce it yes it's wrong game though isn't it we're not playing here that one with hesitation but what's that program called again uh just a mispronunciation yeah just a minute no but uh is it just a minute yeah it is called just a minute yeah yeah but you don't that's a

good program i like listening to it yeah all right oh i'm not saying this is rubbish i mean i enjoy listening to this as well. Sindhu? I was going to say that there is a sandal rack thing in heaven. The Bible mentions a sandal rack in heaven in the book of Leviticus. Yeah. No, it doesn't. Cardinal Richelieu used to jump over his furniture as his daily exercise. His master, Louis XV, was so fat that a king-sized bed was invented just for him.

Sindhu. He was very fat and needed a special bed. That's true. No. Louis XV was neither Cardinal Richelieu's master, that was Louis XIII, nor was he very fat. Historians believe that the first king-sized bed was probably the Great Bed of Ware, believe that the first king-sized bed was probably the Great Bed of Ware, which is two and a half metres long by three metres wide, which was originally housed in the White Hart Inn

in Ware, and is now owned by the Victorian Albert Museum. Ware? Sorry, somebody had to do it, come on! Anyway, carry on, Henning. So the king-sized bed was invented just for him, and his wife, the Queen, was only 16 inches narrower.

Even bigger is the Boris bed, which can fit six mistresses, 12 children, 14 possible other children, one special advisor, his lizard overlord, and a 5G phone mask to control them all. The Boris bed was very popular in the early 2000s, but almost all of them are now at the bottom of a canal. 5G phone masks to control them all. The Boris bed was very popular in the early 2000s, but almost all of them are now at the bottom of a canal. Neil?

I think there might be a real Boris bed, but nothing to do with Mr Johnson. There is a real Boris bed, but nothing that Henning said was true. The Boris bed is a children's bed sold by John Lewis, and one wonders how long it'll be before they change its name. During the 19th century's great chair shortage, where few families had enough chairs for every member of the household,

conscientious Victorian mothers would disguise themselves as chairs to ensure their young children had something to sit still on. It also meant that the first teenage telephone operators were forced to work standing up. Lou? It may be too long ago, but remember when he said there was a shortage of chairs? And I did think, oh, that rings true, I thought to myself. The great chair shortage of the 19th century. Oh, now you say it like that.

I don't think it was too long ago to buzz in for that, but it's not true. Tutankhamun was buried with a folding camp bed because he assumed that even though he was going to paradise, he would still need to queue for the iPhone 11 on Nike trainers. The Aztec Book of the Dead mentions the great wardrobe of the sun god, which was 40 miles high and was a bugger to move because they didn't have the wheel. I'm going to go with the Aztec book. I think that's true. It isn't true. It doesn't mention the great wardrobe of the sun god.

Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you have managed to smuggle all five truths past the rest of the panel. That's never happened before and that will never happen again. It's happened a few times before and we're hoping for a recommission. But, you know... LAUGHTER The first truth is the word chair

doesn't get a single mention in the King James Bible. Chair has only really started to become widely popular during the 18th and 19th century, during the Industrial Revolution. The second truth is that Cardinal Richelieu used to jump over his furniture as daily exercise. The third truth is that Victorian mothers would disguise themselves as chairs to ensure their young children had something to sit still on. Good God! This was for when children were having their photograph taken. Due to the long exposure times of the first cameras,

which could take up to 30 seconds for the image to register, Victorian mothers would sometimes disguise themselves as chairs, couches, curtains or other items of furniture to pose with their children in photographs in order to keep them calm and still. The practice was common in the Victorian era and is referred to as hidden mother photography. The fourth truth is that the first teenage telephone operators

were forced to work standing up. At first, the job was done by teenage boys, but their habit of swearing at each other, as well as the customers, drinking beer and indulging in practical jokes, disconnecting calls as they were still taking place and deliberately crossing lines so that strangers would suddenly find themselves talking to each other, meant that they were quickly replaced

by more polite and well-mannered young women who worked sitting on chairs while the call connection was performed by a switch man. And the fifth truth is that Tutankhamun was buried with a folding camp bed. And that means, Henning, that you've scored five points. Wow. Well done.

Wow, well done. Florida woman Gail Grimes was so obese that after spending six years on her couch, her skin became fused to the upholstery. According to her husband, she was there so long, she just became part of the furniture. OK, we turn now to Lou Sanders. Before becoming a comedian, Lou used to work in a pet shop or, as it'll be known after a few more months of lockdown,

a takeaway. Lou, your subject is birthdays, the anniversary of the birth of a person typically celebrated with festivities and the giving of gifts. Off you go, Lou. Birthdays. Catherine Zeta-Jones was born on her husband's 25th birthday. What a present for the guy.

No, they didn't get together when she was a baby, though, so it could have been worse. Ross from Friends celebrated his 29th birthday in three seasons of the show Back to Back. Friends? More like liars. Sindhu. Did Ross celebrate across three episodes? Across three seasons. Three seasons of the show back-to-back. Friends? More like liars. Sindhu? Did Ross celebrate across three episodes? Across three seasons? Three seasons. Yes, he did.

The character Ross Geller, played by David Schwimmer in the US TV series Friends, gives his age as 29 in three consecutive seasons of the show, and this despite the fact that each season of the show appears to map out a single year with the group celebrating Christmas and Thanksgiving in each series. The writers paid little attention to the date of Ross's birthday either. In one episode it's in December, in another it's October the 18th. Neil.

Can I pause on something earlier? I probably won't allow it, but I'll hear you out. I think Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas is true. He was 25 when she was born. It is too late, because that was right at the beginning, but that is true. Catherine Zeta-Jones was born on the same day of the year, but 25 years later to the day than her now husband, Michael Douglas.

Everyone in Bhutan has their birthday on New Year's Day, but you're not really allowed to be gay, so it's New Year's and Eve, not New Year's and Steve. Sindhu? Bhutan, birthday is New Year's Day, but you're not really allowed to be gay, so it's New Year's and Eve, not New Year's and Steve. Sindhu? Bhutan, birthday is New Year's Day. Correct. Yes, in Bhutan, most people don't know their date of birth or even how old they are. They don't celebrate birthdays, but for administrative purposes,

citizens all share the same birthday, the 1st of January. This has caused issues for groups of Bhutanese travellers at international airports after immigration officials have become suspicious after noticing that every member of the party shares the same date of birth. You know, the crazy thing is that it's not that weird. My mother didn't know her date of birth. And we used to say, what's your birthday?

And we used to celebrate it the 12th of July. And then one time I asked my aunt when her birthday was and she said, oh, the 12th of July, and then four years later. And then my uncle was like, yeah, I'm 12th of July. And then one time I asked my aunt when her birthday was, and she said, oh, the 12th of July, and then four years later. And then my uncle was like, yeah, I'm 12th of July, but two years before. And I was like, wait, there's a pattern here. So I asked my mother, and they all have 12th of July as their birthday, but just with a few years apart. And I said to my grandmother, how, like, you must remember when mommy was born. She said, yes, I remember. It was raining raining it's an absolute nightmare astrology wise how are you going to know your i mean i would say that's brilliant news for the astrologers that though the idea that some people

might not really know their birthday gives them a massive get out clause you go oh you see that's why i was wrong well that's spoken like a true sceptical Capricorn, David. Are you actually Capricorn? No, Cancer. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah, 14th of July is my birthday. That's Bastille Day, isn't it? It is Bastille Day, yeah.

Nevertheless, out of disrespect for the French state, births are not blocked in the UK on that day. The event itself of the conception is actually called Storming the Bastille, a slang term that day. That's an extremely disrespectful remark to make about my mother. Lou. A Canadian birthday tradition

involves having your nose rubbed in butter, a tradition invented by Lurpac. Honestly, when I wrote that one, I thought, I can't believe it's not better. In Wales, in the 20th century, when life expectancy was very low, a popular 18th birthday present was a walking stick and a popular 21st birthday present was a set of dentures. And at 30, if your family could afford it, you got a casket. Thank you. Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the first one was that Catherine Zeta-Jones was born on her husband's 25th birthday, as discussed. The second truth is that a Canadian birthday tradition involves having your nose rubbed in butter. Supposed to ward off bad luck. Some Canadian children have reportedly found the experience traumatising. And the third truth is that a popular 21st birthday present

was a set of dentures. In the 19th and early 20th centuries, a popular 21st birthday present, particularly for young women, was to have all their teeth removed and replaced with a set of dentures. Dental treatment was very expensive before the foundation of the NHS in 1948, so many poorer families opted for complete tooth removal as a money-saving exercise.

Dear, oh dear. And that means, Lou, you've scored three points. Thank you. Yay! The Queen's 90th birthday presents included a silver post-it note holder, an ostrich egg, two stags and a horse, plus the usual pair of roller skates from Prince Charles.

Next up is Sindhu V. Sindhu studied at universities in Delhi, Oxford, Chicago and Toronto, meaning her student debt now exceeds that of many small European countries. Sindhu, your subject is phobias, extreme or irrational aversions to or fear of things. Off you go, Sindhu, your subject is phobias, extreme or irrational aversions to or fear of things. Off you go, Sindhu. Famously, Alfred Hitchcock had irrational fears of birds, heights, staircases with more than 38 steps and windows at the rear of properties. Oddly, he was completely unafraid of psychos, unless they were the type of psycho who served soft-boiled eggs, grapefruit or cereal with milk for breakfast.

They really scared him. Lou? Yeah, birds. I think birds and stairs. No, he wasn't afraid of birds or stairs. Neil? What's the next part of that sentence? There's three grapefruit eggs. Oddly, he was completely unafraid of psychos, unless they were the type of psycho who served soft-boiled eggs,

grapefruit or cereal with milk for breakfast so one of those is true any thoughts on which you want to say grapefruits no any more buzzing on the hitchcock area are we moving on i like all these movies i mean all the ones sindel mentioned there was the stair the window out to the back is brilliant birds is a bit scary at times but but really good movie. Yeah. And I always like it, he always appears in his own movie at some point, doesn't he? Yes, he does.

He's a really good filmmaker, if you think about it. Yeah. Oh, we're thinking about it all right, babe. Yeah, we're all thinking about it. Moving on, I like those biscuits that have chocolate on them. Can I go back and go, can I guess it's eggs then instead? No.

It is eggs, by the way. Oh, no. Yeah. But no, it's just, we've had the whole appreciation of Hitchcock's oeuvre from Henning. He was scared of eggs. Yeah, he was.

Soft-boiled eggs. Alfred Hitchcock, the filmmaker. Alfred Hitchcock, your favourite filmmaker. So he wasn't scared of birds, but he was scared of eggs. He was scared of soft-boiled eggs. Alfred Hitchcock, the filmmaker. Alfred Hitchcock, your favourite filmmaker. So he wasn't scared of birds, but he was scared of eggs. He was scared of soft-boiled eggs. Alfred Hitchcock had a phobia of eggs, particularly... He's gone right down in my estimation.

Particularly runny eggs, known as overphobia. He once told an interviewer, I'm frightened of eggs. Worse than frightened, they revolt me. Have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? I think it's just outright sexist, isn't it? Sexist?

Because it's a female, so you essentially can't cope with female liquid. Maybe he also feared sperm, but they're less often served at breakfast. You just don't go to the right party. Cindy. In the general population of Europe, fear of snakes outnumbers fear of ladders six to one. A fear of snakes can be cured by climbing a ladder. Snakes will refuse to go under a ladder

as they fear it is bad luck. Yes, Lou. I think either six to one is true, or snakes... Maybe snakes don't like going under the ladder, but that sounds meh, so I'll stick to the first one. It's not true. We don't know the numbers on this, but I think actual fear of ladders must be very rare. I thought it was superstition.

Anyway, the point is, I'm not here for the points, I'm just here to try and have a nice time, David. Well, I'm sorry that neither thing is happening for you. Okay. The fear of experiencing constant bad luck is called being British. Eminem's wife has a fear of the speaking clock. John Hamm's wife is afraid of bacon, and Kevin Bacon's wife is afraid of talking M&Ms.

Russian medical textbooks make it clear that phobias are a Western problem and that phobias do not and have never existed in Russia. Henning. That I can imagine that that is the sort of thing that would be taught at Russian schools. Yes, you can imagine it. But unfortunately, it's not true. But yes, you can totally imagine a sort of Putin-esque

we're a fearless people, etc, etc. It makes for a happier life, really. Well, being fearless. Yeah, not to indulge on any, oh, I've got this wrong with me, oh, and I've got that wrong with me. Just get bloody on with it. Correct. And if you have a phobia and a meltdown, just give it a minute and then move on.

Exactly. Too right. Yeah. I'm not saying that seriously, but okay, Henning, I love that you're... I'm with you 100% there on that one. The best thing, I think it's pretty much scientifically agreed, the best thing to do with mental health issues is just to pretend they're not there and ignore them. Exactly. Just bottle them up. Bottle them up. The German composer Robert Schumann had a fear of keys, which made it impossible for him to play the piano. Famously, Kylie Minogue has a fear of zips, coat rooms, coat racks, coat hangers and coats. Steve Jobs had a phobia of buttons, which is why he always wore polo neck jumpers, hated PC keyboards and was terrified of seeing the pantomime

Cinderella. Yes, Lou. Steve Jobs afraid of buttons? Yes, Steve Jobs had a phobia of buttons. Why else would you dress like that? Well, quite. Jobs' phobia extended beyond mere clothing buttons, ironically shaping the future of telephone technology with the invention of the iPhone. And that's the end of Sindhu's lecture. So, Sindhu, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel.

The first one was one that Neil spotted late about Alfred Hitchcock's fear of eggs. The second truth is that the German composer Robert Schumann had a fear of keys. Not piano keys, but, you know, metal keys for opening doors. He put this and other fears of medicine, death, poison and heights down to his sensitive poetic nature. Would you put it down to his sensitive poetic nature, Henning,

or just generally not being able to get a grip? Well, I think it's pretty self-evident, isn't it? Well, that's... I mean, with that phrase alone, you've got surely a great career as a counsellor ahead of you. Just sit down. Well, it's pretty self-evident. Yeah, I see. I could never go private. I could definitely go the NHS route. I could. So whoever comes in there, I just say to them, pull yourself together. And then they're dealt with. But it was obviously if I were to see them privately, you really have to string it out.

Oh, tell me more. Is it particular materials the keys are made of? Which metal sets you off the most? Yeah, let's reconvene next week. And then over a long period, essentially get a fortune out of them and then be put into their will. So, yeah, that's the skill I haven't got, I'm afraid. Do you think they're all getting money

from other people's wills? Yeah, I'm not sure. I think, in general, the therapists have to get the money out of them while they're still alive. I'm pretty sure that's the motto of their professional body. Henning, who has hurt you in the past? You have been hurt before. No, I'm just saying how he is.

Yeah. I don't think any mental health professionals would take any offence from anything you've said, so I think this is fine. If nothing, I've got utmost admiration for them. I mean, pulling that off week after week and hour after hour. Once again, they're going to be fine with this. The third truth that Sindhu smuggled is that Kylie Minogue,

and I don't want to destroy any admiration you have for her music, Henning, but I'm afraid to say she has a fear of coat hangers. She admitted her fear in an interview with the Daily Telegraph saying, I have a hanger phobia. I don't like the way they sound when you put them in the wardrobe. What a scoop. So all her clothes are folded? As a result, she says she doesn't hang clothes up but has, quote, a room in my home where everything is laid out. Wow. The fourth truth is that Kevin Bacon's wife is afraid of

talking M&Ms. Can you imagine? Kevin Bacon revealed in an interview on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno that his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, has a fear of talking food and has to leave the room if she sees a TV commercial with, say, talking California raisins as it makes her too uncomfortable.

Her phobia even led him to pull out of a lucrative job in an M&M's commercial. When he discovered they wanted him to be a giant talking peanut M&M, he said, I thought about it and I said, my marriage is more important. I really think she would have left me. I'm not sure it would have been right for his brand either to be a talking M&M. Good for him, I think. No, instead he's going to do an EE advert with me. Did you do an EE advert? I did an EE, I think it was EE. It was some mobile phone thing. Did you say, oh, Kevin, you're really bringing home the bacon on this one?

That wasn't one of the lines I had to say. I'm sorry about it now. That would have been great. But he was very nice and quite chatty and I felt I was awkward and a disappointment. Not again. Yeah, there we go. It's tough to be typecast. Anyway, that means, Sindhu,

you've scored four points. Thank you. The Dalai Lama has a fear of the caterpillar or as he knows it, Uncle Brian. It's now the turn of Neil Delamere. Neil, your subject is rocks or stones, hard, solid, non-metallic mineral matter. Off you go, Neil.

The hardest rock on Earth is corundum, the only mineral that will scratch a diamond. The softest rock is Bon Jovi. When a supposed meteorite turns out to just be an earth rock, geologists call it a meteorong. As a child, Princess Anne tried to incubate five pebbles using a heat lamp

after Prince Charles convinced her they were lizard eggs. I think that's stuff about Prince Charles and his sister. I think that's true. It is not true. No, no. The process only stopped when Sting rang her and told her there were rocks and you don't have to put on a red light. Those days are over. It don't matter if you're

wrong or if you're right. So yes, that was it sounds like something the royal family could have done but in a sense it's just an inference from a joke about a lyric. Russ Potter of Durango County, Michigan can skim a stone across water for up to a quarter of a mile. Potter maintains the mostango County, Michigan can skim a stone across water for up to a quarter of a mile.

Potter maintains the most difficult stone to skim across a water is Mick Jagger as his lips keep breaking the surface tension of the water. Henny. Now, is there a fella in the States that can skim a stone on the water for however far quarter of a mile or whatever it was?

There isn't. No. But Mick Jagger would be hard to skim. Do you think he'd be more difficult to skim than the other members of that band? No, actually, no, now I think about it, yeah. It's just that he's a person, really. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I do get humour, don't worry about that. The current Guinness World Record for the furthest distance skimmed using natural stone stands at 121.8 metres. Unbelievable. How do they do that?

Well, I think what they do is they focus on skimming stones more than is healthy. It's a form of obsession, a form of madness, really. They need some sort of treatment. It's a form of therapy. I mean, they could just go to somebody, but then they would tell them to put themselves together. Exactly, just charge them and charge them and charge them

for listening to them. And they'd have to leave all their money in their will to them. Instead, they've got into the Guinness Book of Records. See? Yeah. No, I'm all for them. Dwayne the Rock Johnson is so patriotic he was told about the death of Osama bin Laden

45 minutes before the news media heard as he'd also been out looking for him. A stone phallus was set above the city gates of many ancient towns as a protection against bad luck. Lou? It feels like that's too much, that buzzer. And I see why you've paired it with me. The thing about the talisman, I think

that is true. You're absolutely right. Oh yes, great. Many cities and towns had a stone phallus set above the city gates to ward off bad luck. The ubiquity of stone phalluses in ancient cities is demonstrated by their presence in Pompeii, whose streets, walls and doorways are peppered with stone penises.

So there were cocks everywhere in those days. There's a famous tombstone in Ireland bearing the words, you will always be remembered, never forgotten. You could see it at Dublin Airport in the last property office. A man named Cecil Chubb went to an auction

to buy a set of dining chairs but instead paid £6,600 for lot 15 which was Stonehenge. Mrs Chubb was furious and when he couldn't find a buyer for the monument

she made him give it away. It remains the single largest loss on any episode of Bargain Hunt. Lou? Not that but the bit before about

in Dublin, the statue that says you'll always be remembered, never forgotten. That is absolutely right, yes. In 2017, Dublin Airport's lost property office reported a headstone engraved with the epitaph you will always be remembered, never forgotten.

So yes, great one for fans of irony. That's what it is, Alanis Morissette. Thank you, Neil. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that when a supposed meteorite turns out to be just an earth rock, geologists call it a meteorong. Oh my gosh. They're being humorous. The second truth is that Dwayne the Rock Johnson is so patriotic

he was told about the death of Osama bin Laden 45 minutes before the news media heard. Really? An hour before President Obama's 2011 press conference announcing the death of Osama bin Laden, Dwayne the Rock Johnson tweeted, just got word that will shock the world, damn proud to be an American. When asked about it by journalists, he simply said, the individuals who were there were proud to let me know.

And the third truth is that a man named Cecil Chubb went to an auction to buy a set of dining chairs, but instead paid £6,600 for lot 15, which was Stonehenge. Apparently, Chubb's wife Mary was not pleased when he broke the news and three years later, in 1918, he donated it to the nation, for which he received a knighthood. Since then, it's become one of the most visited historical sites in the world. Good grief. It was, I think, already a site of interest, even before it was in public hands. And in fact, when you went to visit it, people used to be given a chisel so that they could take away a bit with them. We're quite lucky there's any of it left.

It probably started off looking like Salisbury Cathedral. And that means, Neil, you've scored three points. Yay! Ireland's Blarney Stone sees over 200,000 people kissing it every year. I'm going to guess those numbers will be lower this year. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Neil Delamere. In third place, with minus one point, it's Sindhu V.

In second place, with one point, it's Lou Sanders. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Henning Vein. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden, and

featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Henning Vein, Lou Sanders, Neil Delamere and Sindhu V. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash, and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.