The Unbelievable Truth - 25x02 Eurovision, Vegetarians, Squid, Bananas

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x02 18 January 2021[28] Henning Wehn, Sindhu Vee, Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford Eurovision, Vegetarians, Squid, Bananas

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Sometimes it's hard to separate fact from fiction, or as Donald Trump put it, I won this election by a lot. Sadly, we haven't got a studio audience today, but I am joined by four comedians of my favourite kind, available.

So please welcome Sindhu V, Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford and Henning Vane. Yay! The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Henning Weyn. Henning is from Germany, although he was recently granted indefinite right to remain by the British government. Think of him like a man who managed to snap up a last-minute ticket for the Titanic. Henning, your subject is Eurovision, or the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual singing competition featuring different nations,

primarily from Europe, that's broadcast around the world. But before you start, Henning, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Henning goes... Lovely. Clown horns. Sindhu goes... Classic.hu goes... Classic. Zoe goes... Lovely.

And Lloyd goes... Superb. OK, please start your lecture, Henning. Buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. The Eurovision Song Contest was invented by Jesus, which is why Israel is in it. Sindhu. buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. The Eurovision Song Contest was invented by Jesus, which is why Israel is in it. Sindhu.

Israel is in the Eurovision Contest. Yes, but that was not what Henning asserted. He asserted that it was invented by Jesus and that's why Israel is in it, which is not something so easy to prove. That's tip-top. I'm a point up. I'm loving it. You're not a point up. Oh, I thought I was getting a point as well if someone...

No, what happens? The rules of this... I know you've only played this 60 or 70 times. Yeah, I have to try. My whole tactic was erroneous, I would say. The rules of the game are

that you get a point if you smuggle a truth past someone, but if someone guesses something that isn't true, they lose a point. Oh, no, that's that one without deviation and hesitation. There you win a point, don't you, if there's a false challenge. This is a very different game. Wrong show, Henning. Yeah, but anyway, so since its inception in 1932,

Eurovision has always had very few rules, but there are one or two they take very seriously. For one thing, live animals are not allowed. Oh, I think the train came in just ahead of the duck. Yeah, that's right. I'm going to go for the live animals are not allowed there, because I've watched a lot of Eurovision, and I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a live animal thus far.

So I'm going to say that is actually in the rule book. You're absolutely right. They're not permitted on stage at Eurovision, though it says here that many performers get around this rule by using animal costumes or cardboard cutouts. How effectively they've got around that rule. Don't worry, I've decided we don't need the Siberian tiger because we've got this drawing. In the 1970s, almost all the Eurovision songs were political and sung about bad things other European countries had done. They included Ireland's anti-British 1974 entry, Your chips are murder, your ketchup is our blood,

and Germany's 1982 anti-Swiss anthem, we're not paying for the holes in this cheese. Well, in 1980, Norway did a song that moaned on and on about a hydroelectric plant that had been built by the Norwegian's archenemy, the Norwegian government. Actually, Norway has a history of terrible songs and has come in last place 12 times.

Sindhu? I think Norway has come in last place 12 times. No, 11 times. Oh, that's cruel. So they've done quite badly and got null point four times. Well, eventually a professor of linguistics was hired to smooth out unpleasant Scandinavian sounds in the songs.

A key sticking point was that the Norwegian word for true love is shitty boob. The word for kiss is assault, and the word for assault is yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, Zoe. I'm going in there. I'm going in. I reckon the Scandinavians did bring in a linguistics expert to smooth things out because they've done better in recent years.

I thought you were going to go for the Norwegian for true love being shitty boob. I'll go for that as well. I'll chuck that in as a side dish. That, I'm afraid, is not true. But it is true, you're right, that they got in a professor of linguistics to smooth out unpleasant Scandinavian sounds. After a run of three single-point scores in Eurovision, Norwegian state broadcaster NRK secretly contracted an Anglo-French professor of linguistics for help.

He suggested removing abrupt consonant sounds from their future song entries, and sure enough, the next year their 1982 song Adieu received 40 more points than the previous Norwegian entry. It's such a Scandinavian thing to do isn't it? Just architect your own songs. It's beautiful.

Yes. I love that the Norwegian professors advice to them was next year sing it in French. professors advice to them was next year sing it in french yeah but despite entering the objectively best song every year germany has done terrible at your vision because of ungrateful countries that act like stroppy teenagers voting against common sense also germany puts far more effort into winning proper competition, such as exports, World Cup and track and trace, true at time of recording. In 2011, the government of North Macedonia

had to step down after their country came last. Well, the Turkish performance in 2018 caused riots. Oh, Lloyd, you were first there. I think maybe the Turkish performance of 2018 did cause riots. It didn't, and there was no such entry because Turkey withdrew from Eurovision in 2013 and have yet to return. Why did they withdraw?

Well, have you seen it? I think the more pertinent question is, why does everyone else remain in it? I think they'd rather be inside the tent pissing out than outside the tent pissing in. I'm not sure, because I would characterise Eurovision as a huge glittery tent that is filling up with piss. So let's just say they're in the tent, they're pissing, and the tent appears to be waterproof. Ankle deep in glittery wee. That's actually next year's UK entry.

Yes. Henning. In Azerbaijan in 2009, voting for Armenia was enough to get you pulled in by the police. British people pretend every year that they're not bothered at all. But when they don't get the right result, they all go ballistic. These days, British organisers pull out all the stops to get a contestant

who is in that sweet spot between well-known and desperate. In 1982, the UK even hired the deceased silent film actor Stan Laurel. And the year after that, Brain was represented by Cary Grant. Zoe. I'm going Stan Laurel was used in some way, shape or form in

some sort of hologram or projection or... No, he wasn't. You've made it more plausible. You found a way that it could have been true. Yeah. Oh, Lloyd. I'll go for Cary Grant then, but I don't think it was the actual actor, Cary Grant. I think it was someone

with the same name. You're absolutely right. There you go. You've found the kernel of uninteresting truth in the apparently impossible assertion. Cary Grant, C-A-R-R-I-E Grant, the fame academy coach, not the Hollywood star,

performed as part of the group Sweet Dreams, and they represented the UK in 1983 at Eurovision with a song called I'm Never Giving Up. They came sixth and then presumably gave up. Thank you, Henning. So, Henning, at the end of that round, you have managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that in 1980, Norway did a song that moaned on and on about a hydroelectric plant. And the second truth is that in Azerbaijan in 2009, voting for Armenia was enough to get you pulled in by the police. 43 Azerbaijanis who voted for Armenia's entry in the Eurovision Song Contest were later interrogated by the police as a matter of national security. The two countries have been in conflict over the disputed Nagorno-Karabakh region since the 1990s. And that means, Henning, you've scored two points. Yay! Ukraine's 2004 entrant Ruslana went on to take part in the Ukrainian protests,

served as an MP and is now a UNICEF ambassador, combating human trafficking. Meanwhile, in their own quiet way, Bucks Fizz continue their work on the Middle East peace process. OK, we turn now to Sindhu V. As a child, Sindhu would guard the bathroom at her parents' parties and would only let people use the toilet after she told them a joke. Either way, people were pissing themselves. Sindhu, your subject is vegetarians, people who do not eat meat, fish and sometimes other animal products, usually for moral, religious or health reasons. Off you go, Sindhu.

Adolf Hitler was a strict vegetarian on moral grounds and would cover his eyes during films featuring animal cruelty until someone told him the scene was over. Yes, Zoe. Hitler was a vegetarian and I think it probably was on moral grounds because that's the sort of complex character he was. Well, interestingly, he was not a strict vegetarian. Despite advocated vegetarianism, because it is argued there was a propaganda value in having a vegetarian furor at a time of food shortages, we know from eyewitness accounts that as late as 1944, he was supplementing his diet

with turtle soup, stuffed pigeon, caviar and Bavarian sausages. That's about as un-vegetarian as you can get, isn't it really? I mean, turtle soup is a step too far. Yeah, the more I hear about that guy. If we'd only known about the turtle soup. Other celebrity vegetarians include Sean Bean, Cubby Broccoli, Jasper Carrot, P. Diddy and the spokesclown Ronald McDonald. Just like the original actor who played Ronald McDonald, who is a vegetarian. Yes, Zoe.

I'm going for that. The Ronald McDonald actor was a vegetarian. I once went for a job at Burger King when I was a vegetarian, so I know that double standards exist. Well, you're absolutely right. Jeff Giuliano, the first person to play Ronald McDonald in the 1950s, has been a vegetarian since 1970. I used to know someone that refused to eat prawns because of the multiple deaths involved in having prawns in a meal but would happily eat a steak because it was just one death. What, so like a prawn sandwich was sort of deemed a sort of genocide or something?

It's a massacre of prawns, isn't it, really, to get any kind of belly full? It's certain meats in certain places can feel wrong. I did once have a tuna sandwich in the cafeteria of a sea life centre and that didn't feel right. It was like, see the exhibits, eat their cousins. If I was running a sea life centre, I would restrict the fish on sale in the cafe to freshwater fish. I mean, what's wrong with trout?

Yes, absolutely. Who doesn't enjoy a trout sandwich? A lovely trout sandwich. A pike. What can I get you from the prep? Oh, anything. You don't know what I like. Trout, you know.

Something with trout or... Cheese and pickle or trout, anything. You don't know what I like. Trout, you know. Something with trout or... Cheese and pickle or trout, anything. Perch sushi. Maybe 45,000 pond skaters all crushed together in a protein cube with ketchup. And kale. A version of the Bible has been rewritten from a vegetarian perspective. The followers of the vegetarian Bible meat, not real meat, I should add, in Britain's first vegetarian church, which opened in a building called Beefsteak Chapel.

Yes, Henning. Well, is there a vegetarian branch of the church in the UK? I can picture them having rewritten the Bible. So is that what you're saying is true, that there is a vegetarian... Well, there's two things I can imagine. I can see that they meet, that they meet up, and I can see that they will have rewritten parts of the Bible. Right. You've lost a point on the Bible. I'm going to give you it back on this. The thing that's true is that Britain's first vegetarian church opened in a building called the Beefsteak Chapel. And this was the first vegetarian church congregation in

Britain. It was formed in 1809 and were led by the Reverend William Cowherd. In the world of horror, famous non-meat eaters include Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Boris Karloff, include Bela Lugosi, Christopher Lee, Boris Karloff, Frankenstein's monster and Dr Frankenstein himself. Oh, a long duck call there from Lloyd. One of those horror actors is definitely a veggie. I'm going to go with Christopher Lee. No, not vegetarian, I'm afraid. Henning. Yeah, Frankenstein's monster is a vegetarian. You're right.

Both Mary and Percy Shelley adhered to a vegetarian diet and when writing her novel Frankenstein, Mary Shelley chose to make Frankenstein's monster a vegetarian too. In the book, the monster declares, My food is not that of man. I do not destroy the lamb and the kid to glut my appetite. Acorns and berries afford me sufficient nourishment. He'd have had to have gone through a lot of them, wouldn't he? Because he was quite a big fella.

Yes. I've seen the 1932 film and he drowns a child in a pond. Yeah, but he doesn't eat a sausage. He doesn't eat a sausage void, so, you know, it's a bit of give and take there, mate. It's a terrible story. But on the plus side, he is just pretend. Okay. There are more

vegetarian restaurants per head of population in America than anywhere else on Earth. No doubt as a patriotic response to Benjamin Franklin introducing tofu to America in 1770. Lloyd. Did Benjamin Franklin introduce tofu

to the United States of America? Correct, yes. Benjamin Franklin introduced tofu to America in 1770, sending the ingredients and recipe from London to his friend the botanist John Bartram in Philadelphia. He refers to the food as a type of Chinese cheese

made from soybeans called tiu fu. T-E-U-F-U. And that's the end of Sindhu's lecture. And at the end of that round, Sindhu, you have managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, and that is that Adolf Hitler would cover his eyes during films featuring animal cruelty

until someone told him the scene was over. Curiously, he had no trouble watching scenes featuring animals killing people. And that means, Sindhu, you've scored one point. Woo! Thank you. Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe, your subject is squid, elongated, fast-swimming cephalopod mollusks

with eight arms and two long tentacles. Off you go, Zoe. The Day of the Squid is a festival held each year on the sub-Antarctic island of Campbell. Locals celebrate by parading around wearing outfits made in part from squid tentacles, including dramatic headpieces. The Onychia squid is a particular favourite amongst the revellers as its penis is about the

same length as its body and therefore makes an excellent belt. Lloyd. I think that particular squid's John Thomas is the same length as its body. You're absolutely right. It's very pleased to see you. Yes, if they

all got pleased to see us at once, that would push the sea level up even more than the melting of the ice cap. The male deep sea onychia squid possesses a penis that when erect is almost the same length as its body. The squid is always welcome at parties, as some squid ink can get you high because of high levels of dopamine. Sindhu. Some squid ink can make you high because of dopamine.

Correct. Thank you. Some squid species can produce an ink which contains very high levels of dopamine, a neurochemical that targets our brains and creates feelings of euphoria. The levels of dopamine found in squid ink have been known to get some fish high, which is thought to make them easier to catch. The expression a damp squid comes from a time in history when dried squid tentacles were used as ignition tapers on cannons.

Oh, Cindy. The stuff about the damp squid and the cannons. That's not true, I'm afraid, and the expression is not a damp squid but a damp squib. A squib being a small explosive device which wouldn't go off if damp. Well, I mean, I've said damp squid my whole life and English is my first language. But it's how it wants to be, isn't it? Yeah, you'd want your squid to be damp.

I see what you mean, yeah. So it's ideal for the squid. It should be like a dry squid that would not add up too much. Or a damp squirrel. The whole event was a bit of a damp squirrel? You wouldn't want that. The whole event was a bit of a damp squirrel. Zoe. Squid prefer contact lenses to glasses

because their naturally sticky digits make them easy to pick up. Plus, they have no noses to balance specs on. A very real problem for the cockeyed squid, whose left eye is twice as big as its right one. Henny. Now, yeah, I might picture the completely wrong animal here, but squid. They are sticky, aren't they? The tentacles. I think you'll find it's suction rather than stick. Oh, yeah, and that's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. It's not like a piece of cellotape. Yes, you're right. It's more a sort of muscular contraction that results in it being able to nimbly pick up items, I would have suggested.

That's incredibly well put. Thank you. During a live performance in Las Vegas in the 80s, high camp, big cat loving duo Siegfried and Roy attempted to stage a scene where Roy and a lion swam in a tank with a very large squid. attempted to stage a scene where Roy and a lion swam in a tank with a very large squid. Sadly, the squid proved too tempting for the lion and the show had an abrupt ending when the big cat ate its co-star in front of a horrified audience. Sindhu.

I think those two guys did do something like that with a squid and a lion in a water tank. Sounds very them, but they didn't. I think it would be a hell of a show, though. They worked with tigers, didn't they, Siegfried and Roy? Yeah, one of them got eaten by one, didn't they? Well, he got injured, I think. Yes, very, very severely injured.

The owner come out the background, just playing, just playing. He's friendly, honestly. Let him sniff the back of your hand Actually, it's up to your elbow now Where is the back of your hand? A more successful career was enjoyed by the squid who became part of the American Flying Karamazov Brothers Act

where they juggled a fish, a squid and two live kittens Sindhu I do think that there was a squid as part of that act. There was indeed. Yes, the Flying Karamazov Brothers are a juggling troupe that have been performing since the 1970s. Among the many items they've juggled are a squid, cats, fish, a potted plant, bowling balls,

meat cleavers and umbrellas. That's sushi waiting to happen, isn't it? The odd bobtail squid shoots out light-producing snot to blind attackers and the very cheeky dust squid digests sand and then anally fires out a cloud of debris to allow it to escape while flicking eight sets of Vs at its disgusted assailant.

Lloyd. I think there is a squid that fires sand out of his anus to form a cloud to escape. There isn't. What? Definitely a gap in the cephalopod market there, isn't there? Yeah, if anyone's thinking we need a new sort of squid,

then I think the one that fires sand out of its anus is a goer. But no, it doesn't yet exist. And that's the end of Zoe's lecture. Yay! Zoe, at the end of Zoe's lecture. Yay! Zoe, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the cockeyed squid's left eye

is twice as big as the right one. The squid uses its larger left eye to look upwards, spotting prey silhouetted against the sky, while the right eye points downwards, spotting bi silhouetted against the sky, while the right eye points downwards, spotting bioluminescent organisms in the darkness. And the second truth is that the odd bobtail squid shoots out light-producing snot to blind or confuse attackers. And that means, Zoe, you've scored two points. Yay!

Several of the world's most expensive designer perfumes contain a fatty deposit that's created when the indigestible parts of squid are processed into a cholesterol glob inside the intestines of a sperm whale that's then vomited out by the whale. Why? Because you're worth it.

It's now the turn of Lloyd Langford. Lloyd, your subject is bananas. Curved tropical fruit with thick yellow skin and soft sweet flesh. Off you go, Lloyd. The banana is a cheap table decoration that quickly changes from green to black and is then discarded. The annoying stringy bit that clings to the side is called Melania. There were 473 bananas in the world's largest bunch of bananas. stringy bit that clings to the side is called Melania.

There were 473 bananas in the world's largest bunch of bananas. Yes, Sindhu. I think there were 473 in the largest whatever. You're absolutely right. The largest ever bunch contained 473 individual bananas and weighed

130 kilograms. It holds the Guinness World Record for the largest bunch of bananas and it was grown in the Canary Islands. Alongside a stowaway chimp with a knife, engine fires and the actor Roy Scheider, bananas are considered unlucky on fishing boats. Having survived a barrel ride over Niagara Falls that broke nearly every bone in his body, in 1911 Bobby Leach slipped on a banana peel in New Zealand and died of complications from the fall. Oh, Sindhu. That's true that they survived Niagara Falls but then they fell on a banana peel. Correct, yes. Bobby Leach was the

second person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, spent six months in hospital recovering from the injuries he sustained. Years later, on a lecture tour of New Zealand to discuss his feat, he injured his leg after slipping on a discarded banana skin, developed gangrene and died. Yeah, you know, he did everything he could to stay safe. Bananas actually have more trade regulations than AK-47s and just like the AK-47, they're easy to split and also ultimately regretted by their inventor.

Cindy. They have more trade regulations. They do. Yes, the global trade in bananas is governed by at least three binding global agreements. There are no global regulations on the arms trade, meaning more international laws govern the trade of bananas than AK-47s. Bill Clinton nicknamed his own penis the banana because it bends to the left, is covered in bruises and is slightly radioactive.

Cindy. Does his penis bend to the left? Well, that is not one of the truths that Lloyd was given. Interesting. You sound like you've got some inside information on this. In a sexual harassment case, Paula Jones said of Bill Clinton's penis, it heads off at an angle rather like a finger bent at the joint. So we don't know if it bends to the left, to the right, up or down. But there is some evidence that there is something a bit...

A bit bananary about his manhood. It doesn't sound like it's bananary. It sounds like it's more of a definite sort of hinge point. It's beckoning. It's like, yes, a beckoning middle finger. Both come hither and an offensive rebuke at the same time. That's why he's so popular with the ladies. More than half the rubbish collected on the summit of Ben Nevis is banana peel.

This prompted the Highlands Mountain Rescue to launch a littering awareness campaign with the slogan, How would you feel if we left you up there? I think the train came in first, Zoe. I'm going to say it's bananas on Snowdon, or Ben Nevis, one of the four nations big mountains. Yes, in 2009, 1,000 banana skins were removed from the summit during a clean-up. Banana skins can take up to two years to decompose, so visitors are asked to take their skins home with them. Although I would say, cumulatively, it would be making that mountain taller.

And easier to get down. You could simply luge down on a discarded skin. Due to mountain pressure from mental health campaigners, in 2020, Netflix retitled the film Herbie Goes Bananas to Herbie Has a Sustained Episode of Acute Mania. Thank you, Lloyd. Yay! So, Lloyd, at the end of that round,

you've managed to smuggle one truth past the panel, which is that bananas are considered unlucky on fishing boats. One theory for the superstition is that in the 1700s, the banana transport boats had to sail very swiftly to deliver their perishable cargo, thus preventing the fishermen on board catching enough fish to feed the crew. Another is that bananas

secrete ethylene gas as they ripen, causing any other perishable food in their vicinity to spoil much more quickly. On a long journey, a storehouse full of prematurely rotten food could prove fatal. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored one point. Yay! Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Sindhu V. In third place, with minus one point, it's Henning Vein. In second place, with no points, it's Lloyd Langford. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, it's this week's winner, Zoe Lyons. That's about it for this week. Goodbye! The Unbelievable Truth was

devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford, Sindhu V and Henning Veen. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.