The Unbelievable Truth - 25x05 Ghosts, Goats, Fighting, Sound

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x05 8 February 2021 Henning Wehn, Sindhu Vee, Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford Ghosts, Goats, Fighting, Sound

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Henning Vane, Lloyd Langford, Sindhu V and Zoe Lyons. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth and lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vane. Henning has made his career in Britain as a stand-up comedian debunking stereotypes about his home country. Although, thanks to coronavirus, he spent most of the last few months railing angrily against the world while trapped in a bunker. Henning, your subject... You're not wrong, actually. Henning, your subject is ghosts, the disembodied spirits of dead people

which supposedly haunt the living as pale or shadowy visions. Before you start, though, Henning, let's test our special lockdown buzzers. Henning, yours goes... Lovely special lockdown buzzers. Henning, yours goes lovely, clown horn. Sindhu, perfect. Zoe, excellent. And Lloyd, beautiful. You don't want to know what I'm doing to the duck to get it to make that noise. Okay, please start your lecture Henning, buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. Ghosts have been around for donkey's years. In fact, according to German folklore, the first ghost was a donkey.

It was the one that carried Mary to Bethlehem and his name was Günter Schmidt. Sindhu. Is it true that according to German folklore, the first ghost was a donkey? No, it isn't. It does sound like a German folklore, though, doesn't it? Yeah, that's the thing about folklores. They're good for this game because... Anything's plausible.

Anything's possible. They haven't benefited from a really tight writer's room. There's a lot of stuff in there that doesn't really work. I suppose having a virgin and a ghost donkey would have just been too far-fetched. Yeah, no, a virgin with a baby. Yeah. I think you lose the ghost donkey on draft three, don't you? Yeah.

Because we're saying, I like the virgin birth stuff. It's just crazy enough. I don't think the ghost donkey's going anywhere. I don't think it's adding. What's the ghost donkey going to do? Well, the ghost donkey is going to scare Herod and then he's going to drop the baby in the river. No, no, no. I don't think Herod's scared of a ghost donkey is going to scare Herod and then he's going to drop the baby in the river. No, no, no. I don't think Herod's scared of a ghost donkey.

No. In 2012, two members of staff at the Aberdeen branch of Waterstones suspected the shop was haunted by a poltergeist when they noticed books in the paranormal section were flying off the shelves. Cindy. I think in Aberdeen that did

happen. It didn't. Okay, I'm going to stop talking now. It's plausible. Why wouldn't it have happened? I know, especially because I believe in ghosts. So, you know. Does anyone else believe in ghosts? I don't. I've witnessed a poltergeist. There you go. When you say that, Zoe, you sure that wasn't just like a bit of a leafy squall in the corner between two buildings? No, it was a definite thing. Myself and two other friends witnessed it. Even to this day, it was 20-odd years ago, and even to this day, wherever we're together, we go,

do you remember that? Do you remember that day we witnessed a poltergeist? Yeah, I remember that. Yeah. And it wasn't university, we weren't even drunk. Well, it was a girl that we knew who was slightly possessed by a poltergeist, um we were in her room at university and a box shot off the top of her wardrobe and then slid back and forth across

the floor and we sort of cowered in the corner and she just looked at it went oh god not again that's a really british attitude to be in response to anything like that I've ever seen. It was actually thundering and lightning outside as well to give it that sort of extra dramatic edge. I don't know whether it was her energy giving it off or what it was, but, I mean, anyway, we all saw it. Could it have been a remote-controlled car in a shoebox that had turned itself on?

No, David, it was a ghost. It could have been. But you think the most likely is... I'm sticking to this most likely. Say what you see, it's have been. It could have been. But you think the most likely is just a straightforward, say what you see, it's a poltergeist. It's a poltergeist. I don't think they have to be unfriendly. I think they're trying to get somewhere or do something. They're just sort of trying to mind their own business and move on.

I think I believe everything that you said there, but I think you're talking about commuters. No. Oh, boy. They're both dead behind the eyes anyway. Historically, many American theatres do not open on Mondays so that the ghosts that haunt them can put on their own plays. Zoe?

I think there might be an element of truth in that because theatres are classically haunted, aren't they? And perhaps they've used the excuse of being dark on a Monday so that the ghosts of productions past can show off. You're absolutely right. At least according to American theatrical superstition, which holds that a theatre should always be closed one night a week to give the ghosts a chance to perform their own plays.

This is traditionally on Monday night, conveniently giving actors a day off after their weekend performances. Ghosts like to put on Macbeth, which they don't mind saying because nothing could possibly happen to them that hasn't already. Some ghosts still have full-time jobs. Kamikiri is a Japanese ghost that appears out of nowhere and cuts people's hair without them noticing. Zoe.

That sounds like a sort of Japanese ghost. It would do something practical, like the hoovering and dusting or haircutting. It wouldn't just pop up and just be a spectre-like thing. It would actually use the time properly. Yeah. None of your woo-woo-woo time-wasting. No. Yes, you're absolutely right.

The Kamikiri is one of several supernatural ghosts and monsters from Japanese folklore, known as the hair-cutting demon. It has a scissor-like beak and hands like razors and sneaks around at night, creeping up to cut a person's hair without them noticing. Germany, of course, had the most productive ghosts. The Heinzelmännchen were little goblins who used to do all the work in the city of Cologne, but they went on strike after a tailor's wife tried to catch them by sprinkling peas on the floor.

Cindy. The Heinzelmenschen. Are they little elves that did all the thing or whatever that thing was? That's absolutely right. Yes. Ha! According to legend, little goblins known as Heinzelmenschen did all the work and chores for the people of Cologne during the night,

allowing them to live a life of ease during the day. It's thought the origin of the story lies in a perception amongst other Germans that the people of Cologne were bone idle. Is that true, Henning? Yeah, very true. Well, they're Catholics, aren't they? If they don't do anything all week, on Sunday they can say, oh, I didn't do anything all week. Oh, yeah, you're very true. Well, they're Catholics, aren't they? If they don't do anything all week, on Sunday they can say, oh, I didn't do anything all week.

Oh, yeah, you're right. What? Is that how Catholicism works? Yeah, that's the absolution you can get every Sunday, isn't it? Oh, I see, I see, I see. This is from Henning's book, Why Catholicism Damages GDP. So, yeah, and then colonists had to work like the rest of us starting with inventing a middle market aftershave and rebuilding their entire city in 1945

as a result of unprovoked foreign aggression In October 1995 Southern Electricity rejected the claim of a woman on the Isle of Wight who tried to get out of paying a £900 electricity bill because she said ghosts were turning all her lights and televisions on. Oh, duck call came first. Yes, Lloyd? I've been to the Isle of Wight and it is a godless place. That's absolutely true.

In 1995, Sharon McGrath of the Isle of Wight claimed that ghosts were responsible for her £900 electricity bill. She maintained that the ghosts had been turning lights on and off in the house, as well as shredding her telephone directories and bills. A spokesman for Southern Electricity said, this is the first time we've had a high bill blamed on a ghost. Ghosts can also take the equity out of your house. The South Wing at Clifton Hall in Nottinghamshire was bought for 3.6 million but sold for 900,000 less after eight months because it was too haunted for the owner to live there. Sindhu?

I think the house was sold for less because it was haunted and he couldn't live there or she couldn't live there. Correct. Yes, millionaire businessman Anwar Rashid and his family lived in the 52-room Clifton Hall in Nottinghamshire, which he'd bought for £3.6 million in January 2007, moving out in August, claiming the property was full of ghosts. Rashid said that on their first day in the house,

they heard a voice repeatedly asking, Hello, is anyone there? The house was sold for £2.7 million. Are you obligated to tell the new prospective owners or do you think you keep that under your hat? I think you are not obligated because if you think there are ghosts, you've imagined it. And you are not obligated to tell any future buyer things that have come from the inside of your own head. The most haunted house in the world is Hampton Court Palace,

where Thomas Cromwell was hung, drawn and quartered and as such is said to be able to haunt four rooms at once. Well, on this jolly note, back to David. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle no truths about ghosts

past the panel because there's nothing true about ghosts. They could see it all. They could see through you. And that means you've scored no points. OK, we turn now

to Sindhu V. Sindhu received degrees from universities in Delhi, Chicago, Oxford and Montreal, making her one of a very select group to have more degrees than the three degrees. Sindhu, your subject is not ghosts, but goats. Ruminant mammals typically found in mountainous areas and characterised by their agility, backward-curving horns and beards. Off you go, Sindhu. Worldwide, goats consume more grass than cows, sheep and Snoop Dogg combined.

Throughout history, billy goat's blood has been a desirable commodity. People valued it highly for its abilities to desalinate seawater, dissolve diamonds, thicken paint and create lighter, easier to transport hollow billy goats. Yes Zoe? Is there something in the paint, thickening of paint with goat blood? No, that's not true. Lloyd? Is it something to do, as preposterous as it sounds, with helping the desalination of seawater. It is not. No. What was the third option? It is dissolve diamonds and create lighter,

easier to transport hollow billy goods. No. Why would you dissolve a diamond? That does seem a bit silly. It'd be like, yes, the most unimpressive alchemist. Not base metal into gold. I can turn diamonds into no diamond. The best way to make a goat giddy is to get down on one knee, look it in the eye and tell it that you love him.

Mountain goats are famously sure-footed and never trip, but a group of goats is a trip, especially the group lying motionless at the bottom of the cliff. Oh boy. Lloyd. I'm probably going to get into trouble for this, but I reckon you make a goat giddy by getting down on one knee and looking it in the eye. Or I do anyway, because I have a very powerful sexual magnetism. Well, who knows what would happen if it was you, Lloyd, but in general that is not a known technique for inducing giddiness in a goat. The fainting goat of Tennessee falls over at the sight of blood when startled

or when it's proposed to unexpectedly. Lloyd. I've seen them fainting goats and they fall over when they're startled. You're absolutely right. Lloyd, you have a secret goat stalking life I was unaware of. Yes, the Tennessee fainting goat is characterized by a hereditary condition which causes the goat to stiffen or fall over when startled. Wow.

The Turkmenistan Goat Milk Marketing Board advertises with the slogan not as filthy as you might imagine. advertises with the slogan, not as filthy as you might imagine. The Turkmenistan goat milk marketing board has been successfully sued 400 times. Zoe. I reckon the Turkmenistan goat milk marketing board has had some form of litigation against it. It's been sued 400 times. It doesn't exist. Ah, OK. It should. Well, the thing is, when did you last buy some goat milk from Turkmenistan?

Look, I tend to shop locally. Certainly their goat milk exports are risible at this point. Well, I'm sure there is a post-Brexit trade deal on goat milk. Yes, there is. We've got an excellent deal with them, stock up for goat's milk. Dominic Raab will be heading in there any day now. They'll be providing us with goat milk and insulin. Which you make by leaving goat milk in the sun.

In Kenya, goats are banned from smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol and appearing on live television, earning the country the title the nanny state. But you'll never see a goat cry about that, as in Kenya, goats are allowed to smoke a pipe, wear condoms and hold offices of state in the government. Yes, Henning. Lots of believable stuff there.

It's easy to believe that they're not allowed on telly and it's equally easy to believe that they're allowed to sit in government. OK. I'm putting both out there. So it's both true. They're both not true, those things. But you believe it.

Yeah. Goats and humans are surprisingly similar. They have exactly the same number of bones as humans, although they have four toes, seven nipples and two belly buttons. Lloyd. I reckon, from my vast experience that we've already established, goats have the same number of bones as humans. How do you know that?

It's not actually true, Lloyd. Goats have 189 bones and humans have 206. Isn't much in it. No6. Isn't much in it. No, there isn't much in it. I would say what we need there is a recount. The goat would say it won that big time. Yes, Trump would say goats have got thousands more bones than humans. And that's the end of Sindhu's lecture.

And at the end of that round, Sindhu, you have managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Oh, wow. Yes. Which are that billy goat's blood has been a desirable commodity for its abilities to dissolve diamonds. No! Can you believe that?

Weird. In medieval times, it was believed that only the hot blood of the he-goat can dissolve diamond. The Roman author Pliny the Elder wrote that the diamond, unbreakable by any other force, is broken by goat's blood. But I suppose because no one ever wanted to dissolve or damage a diamond at all, they never bothered to try. Just assumed. Yeah. The second truth is that a group of goats is a trip. Ah. Oh.

The third truth is that you'll never see a goat cry. Not even Lloyd can make a goat cry. They've got no tear ducts. Yes, they've got no tear ducts. Breaking his heart. And the fourth truth is that in Kenya, goats wear condoms. Masai herdsmen in Kenya fit their male goats with a contraceptive device called an olor, which works like a condom. It enables the tribesmen to control the population of their herds and avoid overgrazing during periods of drought.

And that means, Sindhu, you've scored four points. Wow. Yes. Thank you. Gatwick is Anglo-Saxon for goat farm and since lockdown that's more or less what it's become. In 2006,

a Sudanese man caught having sex with his neighbour's goat was forced to marry it. It was a lovely ceremony ending with the words you may now eat the bouquet. The pair have now split up.

Happily, no kids were involved. Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe's first employment was in a jam factory in Glasgow. It was her job to take the fresh fruit, throw it away and replace it with extra sugar. Zoe, your subject is fighting, engaging in physical combat or battle, usually with a view to overcoming an opponent by blows or with weapons.

Off you go, Zoe. To succeed in battle requires great ingenuity. During the Spanish conquest of the Inca Empire, Spanish soldiers would cough and sneeze in the faces of giant sloths that were then let loose into the rainforest in the hope of spreading disease to the native Incas. Henning? Would you sneeze on something and then chuck it to the enemy in the hope that they might catch something off them? Well, that is the question. Well, I mean, it's what I'm doing at the moment down the Veg Island supermarket, so yeah, no, entirely possible. I'm afraid it's not true.

No. And during the Second World War, the Allies decided to drop glue onto the Nazi troops in order to make them stick to the ground in a plan codenamed the Jerry Fly Trap. Oh, yes, Lloyd. I'm guessing one of the schemes of World War II was dropping some kind of sticky, viscous material onto the enemy. You're right. It was, as you say, one of the schemes. During World War II, the Allies considered dropping glue onto Nazi troops to make them stick to the ground. Other outlandish plans included dropping boxes of poisonous snakes

on the enemy, disguising bombs in tins of fruit and boxes of chocolates, and smuggling female sex hormones into Hitler's food to curb his aggression. None of these clans ever went ahead, though. In a competition to find out who was the best at camouflage, the US 3rd Armoured Division concealed their tanks so successfully they haven't been seen since. The term guerrilla warfare was first used in the Gombe War of 1974 in Tanzania, although it was in fact a war between two armies of chimpanzees.

Sindhu. Is that where guerrilla warfare comes from? Tanzania, that whole thing? It is not where guerrilla warfare comes from. It's a different spelling of guerrilla. OK. In Operation Angry Birds, the NYPD cracked down on so-called cockfighting, an illegal backstreet pursuit which involves players throwing a variety of birds at pigs which are balanced precariously on wood and glass towers. Lloyd.

I want to guess that there was a crackdown on cockfighting in New York. You're absolutely right. In 2014, this was. New York police seized about 3,000 birds and took 70 people into custody in a large, stale crackdown against cockfighting, codenamed Operation Angry Birds. French soldiers at the Battle of Crecy in 1346 nicknamed the English the Bare-Bottomed Army following an outbreak of the squids brought on by too much foreign food.

Lloyd. I'll say that the French did nickname the English the bare-bottomed army, maybe not for the reasons stated. They did nickname them the bare-bottomed army at the Battle of Crecy and it was because the English army was riddled with dysentery, which necessitated the frequent dropping of their trousers to do a poo. So yes, they constantly had the squits during that battle. But, you know, they still won.

Or maybe it helped. Who knows? Maybe that urgency is what, I've got to get this over because I just want to go home, be near a loo, just let go. Maybe dysentery is the key to military success. Well, you're less likely to want to grapple with something that's covered in its own excrement, aren't you? Well, that's exactly it.

And that's what I found in your experience anyway. Absolutely. It doesn't matter how entrancing and witty the conversation is. No, if it's covered in poo, leave it. That's my motto. The deadliest weapon in a fight is, of course, the terrifying battle cry. The traditional Mongolian warrior cry roughly translates as pull their legs off and hit them with the soggy end. In World War I a brigade from the Royal Sussex Regiment would go over the top yelling the name of their home village

the scenic hamlet of Upper Natham and in World War II the Finns could be famously heard to scream shoot them in the testicles. Lloyd. I was in university with two Finnish guys and that just about sort of sums up their worldview, I think. So maybe they did have a cry of shoot them in the testicles. They did indeed.

Finnish soldiers were instructed to fire low in World War II as their rifles would often jerk upwards when fired. Hence the Finnish battle cry of tul-tu-mu-ni-il meaning shoot at their balls. And that's the end of Zoe's lecture. Yay!

Zoe, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the Gombe War of 1974 in Tanzania was a war between two armies of chimpanzees and was documented by primatologist Jane Goodall. It came about after a chimpanzee community split in two,

resulting in a violent and brutal power struggle between the separatists, led by chimp brothers Charlie and Hugh, and the original group, led by Humphrey and Satan. I don't know. and the original group led by Humphrey and Satan. I don't know what group the primatologists were rooting for from that. It only ended after all the males from the separatist group were killed. And that means, Zoe, you've scored one point.

It's now the turn of Lloyd Langford. Your subject, Lloyd, is sound. Something that you can hear or that can be heard. Off you go, Lloyd. To get the sound of coconuts for the 1957 film South Pacific, foley artist Ken Lovely smashed two horses together.

They used pre-recorded samples for the sound of rowing in the Olympics since the real sound is drowned out by the chase boat and helicopter. Cindy? The Olympics pre-recorded. Correct, yes. The live audio is replaced with pre-recorded clean-oar sounds taken from practice rowing events.

That's interesting. Yes, apparently also true, certainly on American television, in the Gulf, they'll sort of play the sound of nice countryside noises to go over the Gulf. And in fact, someone rang in and said they'd heard a bird song that was not native to where that golf course was. And they were terribly excited by this bird that was somewhere unexpected. But the TV station had to say, well, no, that was just general recorded bird noise, so it was from somewhere else.

Wow, how dull are some people's lives? It really makes you value your own existence. They'll play golf. The universally accepted definition of white noise is Lawrence Fox's Twitter feed. The Japanese have invented a noise-cancelling fork to counteract the sound of people slurping on their noodles. You simply take the fork and stab it through their heart.

Henning? Yeah, I wanted to say that's true with the noise-cancelling fork, but I've got no idea how that could possibly work. Well, you're absolutely right. It is true. Is it? Yeah. This is in 2017, a Japanese firm released the world's first noise-cancelling fork, specifically to mask the sound made by diners slurping down their noodles. The sound of slurping noodles has become an issue in Japan, commonly referred to on social media as noodle harassment. The fork was inspired by Japanese toilets,

which can be programmed to play an artificial flushing noise to cover embarrassing sounds. A cloop is the sound of a cork being drawn from the bottle. With just its penis, the water boatman, a flea-sized aquatic insect, can chirp as loud as a lawnmower. Zoe? I reckon with a taut enough mamiscus on the surface of the water and a big enough insect penis you could really emulate the sound of a

probably a sit-on mower. You're absolutely right. I don't think it sounds like a lawnmower but it is incredibly loud. It's just the lesser waterboatman, a tiny aquatic insect. It uses its minuscule penis to produce chirping sounds that register 99.2 decibels, as loud as a lawnmower or a full orchestra playing at its loudest. Unbelievable. The insect's extraordinary singing penis makes the loudest sound of any animal relative to its size.

Which just begs the question, why? Exactly. I mean, yeah. What's the system here? What's the system here? The reason the female waterboatman, the waterboatwoman, produces no sounds from its genitals is because its vagina comes fitted as standard with a muffler. The absolute best conductor of sound is Sir Simon Rattle.

Small icebergs are called growlers because of the sound they make as they melt. It is believed that the sinking of the Titanic was in large part due to the lookout shouting, come and get a look at this stunning growler on starboard, causing every other sailor on duty to rush to that side of the boat, inadvertently steering the vessel towards impact.

Zoe. I'm sorry, Lloyd. I jumped in on your growler there. No, that's OK. I'm going to say that in some parts of the world, a melting iceberg is called a growler. You're right. Yes, small icebergs that rise less than three feet from the water are known as growlers because when trapped air escapes as the iceberg melts,

it makes a sound like the growl of an animal. Trapped air in the growler is why I had to stop doing yoga classes. And that's the end of Lloyd's lecture. And at the end of that round, Lloyd, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that a cloop is the sound of a cork being drawn from the bottle. It's valid in Scrabble, scoring nine points. And that means, Lloyd, you've scored one point.

Yay! Scientists in Minneapolis have developed a room so quiet that people can hear their own internal organs. No other room has come close to it, apart from the Buckingham Palace drawing room, after Prince Andrew asked, So what did you think of my interview? Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with one point, it's Zoe Lyons. In second place, with two points, it's Lloyd Langford. And in first place with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, Sindhu V. Yay! Well done. That's about it for this week.

Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Zoe Lyons, Lloyd Langford, Sindhu V and Henning Veen. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith.

It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.