The Unbelievable Truth - 25x06 Horses, Valentine's Day, Nudity

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

25x06 15 February 2021 Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstocke, Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney, Lucy Porter and Justin Edwards Horses, Valentine's Day, Nudity

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight it's a smug married couple special as I'm joined by three couples, all of whom are comedians. Nowhere is truth more important than in a relationship,

unless it's the answer to the question, whose bra is this? Please welcome Lucy Porter and Justin Edwards, Marcus Brigstock and Rachel Parris, and Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney. The rules are as follows. Each couple will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up are Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstock. Marcus and Rachel kept their spirits up during the first lockdown by posting upbeat videos of themselves lip-syncing to famous pop songs. That was the first lockdown. Second time round, it was more of a vibe of not getting dressed

and eating corn briefs straight from the tin with an ice cream scoop. That's sadly true. Last Christmas, Marcus Brigstock and Rachel Parris co-hosted a show on Jazz FM. Though, of course, we only have their word for that. Rachel and Marcus, your subject is horses, herbivorous quadrupeds with flowing manes and tails used for riding, racing and transporting heavy loads. Before Rachel and Marcus begin, can we hear each of your buzzers, please?

Rachel and Marcus, go. Lucy and Justin. And Sarah and Gary. That was just me honking my boobs. Why was the second honk smaller? Because the second boob is smaller, Marcus. What a terrible day to find that out. Makes perfect sense.

I honk my testicles but it's too high-pitched. OK, please start your lecture, Rachel and Marcus. Buzzers at the ready, the rest of you. The heaviest jockey ever to complete the course at the Grand National weighed in at a whopping 15 stone and two pounds. His name was Lester Pigout. The smallest jockey ever was just 26 pounds and his name is Frankie de Tiny.

The screens they erect around fallen horses at some race meetings are put in place in case the horse wants a wee and feels shy with all those people there watching. Yes, Sarah or Gary? Is that true? I don't know anything about horses. And I like the idea that they're quite coquettish. The heartbreaking truth for Sarah now

is we have to explain why there's a screen put round the place. Yes, I don't think horses are shy about weeing. The screen is put there so that, and this is a funny story, it's so that the public don't see the injured horse being shot. But doesn't it wee at the same time as, I mean, I think I would wee at the same time as being shot. I think if I had anything in common with a racehorse, I would not be shy about weeing in public. So, yes, no, I'm afraid they're put there for a more macabre reason.

Does that mean every year the real winners of the Grand National are glue makers and kebab shops? He's a dark horse is just one of the phrases that Piers Morgan believes we're not allowed to say anymore. Horses are allergic to some humans. They're also dangerously allergic to bananas. They come out in hives and their big nostrils run. A train whistle.

I do believe that horses are allergic to some humans. Yeah, they don't come out of hives, though. That's bees. Massive hives. Huge horse hives. I've got here, it is not known that horses are allergic to some humans, though some humans are

allergic to horses. I can't believe that you're naysaying all these horse facts. Hey there. Let's bail. Because they can't vomit, it's estimated that around 700 horses a year die from bananas. Was that Lucy? I'm going to say that horses can't vomit. Yes, you see, Justin, that's the sort of thing.

That's the sort of thing that's going to hold my marriage together. What, horse vomit? Well, if your marriage is held together by horse vomit, it is not held together because, as Lucy correctly points out, horses can't vomit. They make tremendous drinking buddies. Author Jilly Cooper claims she has never seen a real horse. For her books, she's simply pieced together ideas about them from articles she's read.

The term horsepower was coined when an early version of the automobile was tied to a horse and tried to drive off in the opposite direction. The average family saloon has about 2,000 horsepower, a man has about 0.3, and most horses operated around 15 horsepower, which is very confusing for the other 14. Lucy or Justin? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most humans have 0.3 horsepower. I'm afraid that's not true. A healthy human can produce about 1.2 horsepower, and trained athletes can manage up to about 2.5 horsepower.

I mean, Justin is very weak with that in any way mitigated. I may have the build and bearing of a Shire horse, but I have the power of a little Shetland pony. Dido Harding owns a racehorse called Test and Trace and hopes to run it at Cheltenham next year. It isn't

very good. Other registered racehorse names include Flaphampton, Pony Hancock, the Deborah Meaden Project, Why Kick a Moo Cow, and That's a No from Bruno Brooks. OK, Train Whistle was first. OK, so they're all marvellous, by the way.

Why Kick a Moo Cow? Correct. Well done. There's an absolute feast of real horses' names. One of them includes a horse called Big Tits. Yes, other unlikely but genuine racehorse names include Racehorse, The Wife Doesn't Know,

What Am I, Chopped Liver, May the Horse be with you. I like that. Fifty shades of hay. Sofa can fast. And, of course, Horsey McHaw's face. It does seem a waste that no-one's seized upon Pony Hancock. Yeah.

Inspector Horse. Horses love alcohol. Favourite tipples for horses are brandy, rum and Kahlua. In Romania, police arrested a horse for being drunk. He'd have gotten away with it too, but the car was swerving all over the road. The joke about the sad horse with a long face is not considered funny by vets,

who know all too well the mental health issues faced by far too many horses. After the First World War, many horses caught up in the conflict were treated for PTSD. Sarah or Gary? I feel like the horses were sad after the war and those that weren't allowed to wee in private, as we're calling a euphemism for being shot, were maybe given some treatment. Now, the more I say it, the more I think this is rubbish. Sarah, they didn't treat the people after the First World War.

Because they were too busy treating the horses. That's exactly it. That's what I'm saying. No, I don't think they treated the horses either, unfortunately. They encouraged them to keep a stiff up a bit. LAUGHTER No, I don't think they treated the horses either, unfortunately. They encouraged them to keep a stiff up a bit. Depressed or anxious humans are allowed to take a horse with them on a plane if they can prove it's a support animal. Lucy or Justin? It was Lucy. I'm not blowing in now, I've just lost my head.

I think your anything can be a support animal. So I think if you had a tiny horse, you could take it on a plane. You're absolutely right. Yes. Well done. How would you get it into the little locker? Miniature horses working as support animals are allowed to be taken on commercial flights in the United States. Indeed, some US airports have employed miniature horses

to, quote, help ease the stress of anxious flyers. Sorry. Americans are so weird! The nightmare scenario, of course, is that you have to jump out down the rescue slide and you get trapped behind the horse while it takes its shoes off. You'll be there for ages.

I think the nightmare scenario is using the toilet after them. Anyway, well done, Lucy. You get a point and that's the end of Rachel and Marcus's lecture. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that most horses operate at around 15 horsepower. It's a common misconception that one horsepower

is equal to the power of one horse. I don't know where people get that idea from. A horse is capable apparently of a maximum of 14.9 horsepower. The second truth is that in Romania police arrested a horse for being

drunk. In 2008 Romanian police were alerted to the horse when the cart it was pulling looked out of control and hit a man sitting on a nearby bench. That means Rachel and Marcus, you've scored two points. Horses can sleep

standing up, making them very much the Joe Biden of the animal world. In 1894, the Times estimated that if current trends continued, London would be nine feet deep in horse manure. Of course, it's turned out a lot worse than that. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter and Justin Edwards.

Lucy and Justin have been married for 11 years, which is traditionally celebrated with steel. After six months together in lockdown, exchanging sharp knives feels like the wrong move. Lucy and Justin, your subject is Valentine's Day, the 14th of February, when it's traditional to send a card, often anonymously, to a person one is romantically involved with or attracted to. Off you go, Lucy and Justin.

As one of life's great romantics, February the 14th is Justin's favourite day of the year and he even decided to be born on Valentine's Day, as were other passionate souls such as Jennifer Love Hewitt, Dickie Valentine, Romeo Beckham and Dean Gaffney. The original St Valentine was a priest from 12th century Bulgaria who would marry young couples who were in love, even if their parents disapproved. Yes, Marcus or Rachel?

Yes, I like that so much, I want it to be true, so I'll say that it is. He'd marry young couples who were in love. No, that's not true, I'm afraid. How very disappointing. Don't be silly, Marcus. Sorry, Rachel, sorry. Weird that a priest doesn't check their age first. St Valentine was described as an incurable romantic.

Of course, thanks to modern investigations of his remains, we now know that meant he was riddled with syphilis. Sarah or Gary? I really want that to be true. Just to prove a point that Valentine's Day is rubbish. You want it linked to syphilis. I really want it linked to syphilis. It's only a cover for the spreading of venereal disease.

That's all it's there for. And all the girls at school who got cards when I didn't have all got syphilis now. That's what I think this means. It's just... It's advance warning of syphilis. That's what a Valentine's card is. No, he wasn't syphilitic. Before becoming a priest, St Valentine was a drifter,

working at a number of casual jobs, which is why, as well as lovers, St Valentine is also the patron saint of dental hygienists, beekeepers and jockeys. Yes, Marcus or Rachel? Oh, what's he going to say now? I think St Valentine... I think St Valentine is the patron saint of beekeepers.

You're right. Very good. I shake it back. Well done. Well done, darling. I sent actual knowledge there, which I consider to be cheating in this game. Sorry. But yes, he is the patron saint of beekeepers.

He's also the patron saint of lovers, as you might guess, plus travellers, as you wouldn't guess, fainting and plagues. And syphilis. In Roman times, young men dressed in wolf masks and loincloths ran through the city hitting people with strips of goat skin. This is a tradition we observe here in Pinner, when Lucy chases me around the house and gently cuffs me with the cord of her dressing gown until I put the recycling out.

In the UK, Valentine's Day was banned for three years between 1850 and 1853 by Queen Victoria. To circumvent the ban, young ladies would sew hearts and flowers into a needlework sampler and discreetly leave it on the headrest of their loved one's chair, a gift known as the St Valentine's Day Antimacasa. Sarah and Gary, Clownhorned. Did Queen Victoria ban it for three years?

She didn't. Seems like the sort of joyless thing she might do. Yeah, that's what I thought. I was once given an embroidered headrest on a train saying that I was first class. Last year, Valentine's diners at the Chorloman Chippy in Wigan were offered a romantic treat, pink-dyed pickled eggs. Not to be outdone, a Bolton takeaway offered up red rose petals

in a tempura batter, while a fish and chip shop in Preston really went to town and produced a deep-fried sausage candelabra. I suppose you could say it was a case of one-up-man chips. LAUGHTER I suppose you could say it was a case of one-upmanships. I've got written here, just pause up to three minutes for... But I'll crack on. A trip to the zoo is such a popular Valentine's Day out that it's London Zoo's busiest day of the year. Watching animals trapped inescapably together in cages

is a good foretaste of married life. Marcus or Rachel? I think that that's true. I think London Zoo are very busy on Valentine's Day. It's not true. I'm willing to bet that the busiest day of London Zoo is a weekend day in the summer. It's a nice idea though, isn't it?

The idea that you would watch all the animals humping and then go home and do it yourself. I don't know if I'd want to see the animals copulating, but I wouldn't mind seeing them doing heavy petting. That would be romantic. If only they could be choreographed so that you could sort of turn up at the stage of their courtship that you would be most interested to see. So the initial shy glances, moving through to the early dates,

moving through to the heavy petting, moving through to the hard humping and then, you know, sleeping afterward. I'd just sneak into the butterfly enclosure when it was all over and they're all just having a cigarette. Could you take David Attenborough to describe it? Because he does all that sort of dirty talk when the animals are doing it, doesn't he? What's he describe what's going on? That's dirty talk, isn't he? Dirty talk? He describes what's going on. That's dirty talk, isn't it?

What a run-in commentary. Yeah, basically. Or Johnny Morris to simply voice it over. Do the voices. Oh, you like that, don't you? There you go. Putting the blue into Blue Planet. Lovely. Over past Valentine's

Days, Seattle Aquarium has held regular events where you can watch octopuses mating. If that's your thing... Oh, clown horn there. Yeah, I think the octopuses thing might be true. Yeah, I was going to ring on on that. Yeah, I think so. And I think they're a bit handsy.

So I think it's quite... It is true. Yes. Oh, well done. Seattle Aquarium used to hold, strangely, a special Valentine's Day event inviting the public to watch their octopus's mate. Even if you think it's all commercial nonsense,

the one thing you are required by law to do on Valentine's Day is send an anonymous card expressing the things you're too shy to say in person. What can provide a greater thrill than opening up that pink envelope and reading the words your partner's too shy to say in person? What can provide a greater thrill than opening up that pink envelope and reading the words your partner's been longing to say? You're putting the cutlery in the dishwasher the wrong way up. Or I wish you were Dean Gaffney.

Thank you, Lucy and Justin. And at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Dean Gaffney was born on Valentine's Day. The governor. In 1978 was the year.

The second truth is that in Roman times, young men dressed in wolf masks and loincloths ran through the city, hitting people with strips of goat skin. Those struck by the hide were said to be rendered fertile. Lupercalia was an ancient fertility festival which historians believe was the precursor to our current Valentine's Day. It was held each year in Rome on the 15th of February and was a bloody, violent and lust-filled celebration.

And the third truth is that a fish and chip shop in Preston went to town and produced a special Valentine's Day meal for two, including a deep-fried sausage candelabra. What? It's Mr Eater's Eating Emporium. The shop's owner, John Clarkson, said he came up with the idea after making the world's longest battered sausage and raising money for charity by encouraging women

to bring their bras to his shop to be filled with chips. He's just a pervert trying to raise money for charity. Charity doesn't exist. So worrying. Anyway, that means Lucy and Justin, you've scored three points. Well done. Queen Victoria sent over

2,500 Valentine cards during her reign. Slag. It's now the turn of Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney. Sarah and Gary have been married since 2014 and this year celebrate their seventh anniversary. So look out for the famous seven-year itch, although at their age it's more likely to be psoriasis. Your subject, Sarah and Gary, is nudity,

the state of wearing no clothes. Off you go, Sarah and Gary. The first example of televised full-frontal nudity occurred in 1959 when German TV station ZDF broadcast a nude underwater ballet performed by a naturist association from Hanover. Some of the swimmers were a little overweight, which inspired the invention of the lava lamp, designed by Edward Walker,

an accountant and nude underwater filmmaker Yes Lucy or Justin It's Justin and I do think that the first full frontal nudity was on television in 1959. No it wasn't Oh. It was in the Netherlands in 1967 Well that was only 8 years out

It's a long wait A long wait to see that So the Netherlands were first with the Nether regions Well, I was only eight years out. Yeah. It's a long wait. A long wait to see that. So the Netherlands were first with the Nether-regions. The first erect penis wasn't seen on British television until 1989, when Jeremy Clarkson started hosting Top Gear. Yes, Marcus or Rachel? Well, I've been weighing up the erect penis.

I'd like to come in on that, if I may. I think it was 1989 before an erect penis was seen on British television. I don't think an erect penis has yet been seen on British broadcast television. Well, give me time. There has been one. There has been one. The first erect penis on British television television. Well, give me time. There has been one. There has been one. The first erect penis on British television was in 2020. I can't remember what show it was, but I do remember making a joke on Twitter about Piers Morgan.

So it was last year. Yes, very much the worst thing to have happened in 2020. So, well, yes. Well, 1989, far too early. We hadn't culturally got it up by then. Another television nudity first occurred in 1998 when Czech television introduced the naked weather forecast, a reverse strip tease where the forecasters first appeared nude

and then proceeded to dress in the type of clothes their forecast required. Yes, Marcus and Rachel. This might be crazy, but I feel like that might be true, that there was a nude Czech weather forecast. It is true, yes. Ah, well spotted, wife. Yes, in 1998, a Czech commercial television station called TV Nova started broadcasting nude late-night weather forecasts

in which a buxom female forecaster and later a muscular male would present a kind of reverse striptease, putting on clothes appropriate to the weather. The show was a ratings hit, and though it came to a stop a few years later, it was revived as an online feature in 2007. I would love it. You can get nudity online. What?

Amazing. I'd love that for a weather forecast, though, because that's what I want to know, is do I need a cardigan? You just fast-forward to the end image. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got no interest in the nudity, of course, but yeah. Will they just say I've got a very warm front? I think if I was doing the forecasting naked,

whatever the weather was, I'd tell people it was very cold. Yeah. I think if I was doing the forecasting naked, whatever the weather was, I'd tell people it was very cold. The first nude protest occurred at Oxford University during a visit by Sir Oswald Moseley. When the notorious fascist leader stood up to speak at the Oxford Union in 1932, he was greeted by the sight of a room full of naked undergraduate protesters. Moseley thought he was being welcomed with a warm round of applause, but it was in fact just the sound of the audience sitting down again. Back in the 90s, passengers in a first-class train carriage were shocked when they looked

up from their newspapers to be confronted by a prolific Bush. It turned out it was none other than George Bush, completely naked. Famous naturists include Fanny Craddock, Muff Winwood, General Johnson and Tuppence Middleton. She's hard to find. The Channel 4 nude dating show Naked Attraction was originally called Anna Richardson's Gradually Revealing Pupilints of Elimination.

The area of darker skin around the nipple is known as the Ariana. Many women have been blessed with an Ariana Grande. I've nearly pinged in on Naked Attraction, which I watch backwards. It's great fun. You get to watch her putting nude people in a box and sealing them in. It's great fun. You get to watch her putting nude people in a box and sealing them in.

It's tremendous. But at the end, you still don't know what the weather's going to be like. Not a clue. In his 70s, Mahatma Gandhi used to sleep with young naked women in order to test the solidity and durability of his headboard. Lucy and Justin. I think he did sleep with naked women to test not his headboard. His resolve, probably.

But his resolve. Yes, exactly, he did. You see, Lucy, that's what I've been telling you all this time. It's a test to prove how good I am. You've always got the wrong end of the stick. All those men I bring round, we are just testing the headboard. Yes, it was a way for him to test his celibacy. He believed that if he was not aroused by their presence,

he would know he'd achieved Brahma Charya, a Hindu concept of celibate self-control, and at the same time be incapable of lying or harming anyone. The behaviour shocked many of his followers and at least two of his personal helpers resigned in protest. In 1992, a female streaker named Catherine McCowan was arrested for kissing Ian Woosnam on the 17th hole at Carnoustie. I think you'll have to probably finish that one off yourself,

is what Ian's caddy said to him afterwards. The Louvre has a naked version of the Mona Lisa, which features on a coffee mug in the gift shop. When you pour in hot water, she magically becomes clothed again. Yes, Marks and Rachel. Oh, Rachel. Sorry. I think that might be true.

The novelty mug where she's naked. They're famous, the French, for taking art and trivialising it. No, I'm afraid the naked Mona Lisa mug is not available. It's just wishful thinking on my part. I had merch on one of my tours

that was one of those pens that when you tip it up, it becomes clothed and unclothed and it was just cardi on and cardi off. So nice. The nude movie Reenactment Society is based in Keighley.

Each year they stage a classic film with a cast of local naturist actors. Past hits have included Who Bears Winds, The Devil Wears Nada, Desperately Streaking Susan,

Meet the Knockers and Picnic at Hanging Cock. I'm being in that because I just think it's such a delightful idea. The nude movie reenactment society. Yeah.

I'm afraid it's not true but it's a great idea and I must say for me, my favourites are Meet the Knockers and Picnic at Hanging Cock. Sure.

Meet the Knockers. I mean... When they did a passage to India, they didn't even have to change it. And that's the end of Sarah and Gary's lecture. So, at the end of that round, Sarah and Gary,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the lava lamp was designed by Edward Walker, an accountant and nude underwater filmmaker. Though the inspiration for the lamp wasn't the sight of naked bodies underwater, but an oil-based egg timer in a Hampshire pub. The second truth is that back in the 90s, passengers in a first-class train carriage were confronted by a prolific bush. Turned out it was George Bush completely naked.

This was the 1890s. A man named George Bush was sentenced to a month in prison for appearing naked in a first-class railway carriage. A magistrate later condemned him for his mania for nudity and ordered him to pay £20 or spend another month in prison. And the third truth that you smuggled was that the Louvre has a naked version of the Mona Lisa, not the mugs

that make her naked when you fill them with hot water or make her clothed then, but an actual naked version. That explains the wry smile. It's called the Mona Vanna and it's a charcoal preparatory sketch attributed to the school of Leonardo da Vinci.

Experts at the Louvre believe the sketch may even have been made by da Vinci himself. And that means you've scored three points. In 1853, the Venus de Milo was put on trial for nudity in Germany. Of course, the main difficulty for the arresting officers was knowing where to put the handcuffs. As an old man, Mahatma Gandhi insisted on sleeping with naked young women in his bed at night

in order to prove he could remain celibate. After four years, he finally managed it. Which brings us to the final scores. In third place, with minus three points, it's Rachel and Marcus. In second place, with minus two points, it's Sarah and Gary. And in first place, with an unassailable one point, it's this week's winners, Lucy and Justin. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Justin Edwards, Sarah Millican, Gary Delaney, Rachel Parris and Marcus Brigstop. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.