The Unbelievable Truth - 26x02 Snails, Wives, Germs, Biscuits

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

26x02 2 August 2021 Tony Hawks, Fern Brady, Ria Lina, Rufus Hound Snails, Wives, Germs, Biscuits

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Time to introduce today's panellists. I can tell you everyone's very positive, though hopefully not in a Covid-y way.

Please welcome Rufus Hound, Fern Brady, Ria Lena and Tony Hawks. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony is a brilliant writer, comedian, musician and raconteur. Not my words,

they're Tony's. Tony, your subject is snails. Small, slow-moving mollusks with single spiral shells into which their whole bodies can be withdrawn. Off you go Tony, fingers on buzzers the rest of you. The Himalayan snail lives in the high mountains emerging from its rocky nest. It flips onto its back and toboggans down the slope on its shell. Rufus. That is too stupid to be completely made up, so I think that must be true. How would it flip because it don't have any legs. Well, unfortunately we're on the radio. Right.

That doesn't mean that people listening have no spatial reasoning. But I could lie on the floor now and flip onto my other side without using my arms or legs. Oh, what a great shame that we are on the radio. Hey everyone, watch this.

He's done it. He's only gone and done it. Oh, that is... You charlatans. He didn't even get off his chair. No, you're absolutely right, Fern. This isn't a cause for speculation. It's just not true. But there isn't a snail that slides downhill.

There isn't, and there's no such thing as a Himalayan snail anyway. So maybe when there is one, it will do that, but there isn't one yet. And in an infinite universe, I suppose there must be one somewhere. If we take a universal perspective, all of these things are true. If there's an infinite universe, then everything's happening somewhere. So in general, there is no such thing as a lie anymore. Well, there's another version of this show that's slightly better. LAUGHTER

An infinite number. Yeah. There's a universe in which everything is identical to this, except tomorrow, Boris Johnson suddenly reveals himself to be a giant moth. LAUGHTER That's why he sheds so many skin flakes and dust like a moth. He does that. I had a taxi driver once that said Boris had been in his car

and he was filthy. He just sheds flakes and dandruff everywhere. He just sort of fills up the cab with, like, shavings of himself. He said he had to go and get his car cleaned after. Well, you know, that's even more places he's leaving his DNA. Tony. If you're a lady sea snail, you'd be well advised not to nibble the paint off the bottom of ships

because of a chemical it may contain. On the plus side, it'll make you grow a penis, and on the minus side you'll explode. Rufus. I can believe that eating paint makes them change sex. You're absolutely right. The paint on some ships contains the now banned chemical tributyltin, which was added to prevent marine life, including sea snails, from attaching itself to the a'r tŵn tributil, a gafodd ei ddod i ddiogelu bywyd maraidd, gan gynnwys gwnaith mêl,

gan ei gysylltu â'r llyfrau'r sip. Mae'r chemigol yn achosi gwnaith maraidd femal i ffynu penusau, sy'n gwneud yn amlwg i'r gwnaith ddod o'i llwyddo, ac yn eu chynyddu. Mae'n stori bach. Mae'r gwnaith sigaret yn ei enw oherwydd os yw'n eich cymryd chi gyda'i ffang, rhaid i chi ddim yn ystod amser i ffynu un gwnaith cyn i chi droi'n ddwy. gets its name because if it jabs you with its poison fang, you only have time to smoke one cigarette before you drop dead.

People who suffer from lumosophobia, or fear of snails, include Michael Gove, Danny Dyer, Jermaine Greer and TV heartthrob Adrian Childs. Rufus. Well, I mean, it's either one or none of them, isn't it? Yes. So, drumroll, please. Oh.

Just so you know, you're using this audience like a sort of cassia-tone piano. It's crowd work. It's a skill. Those of us who've done a lot of live, David, you know. Yeah, that was a good choice economically in the last 18 months. Adrian Childs. Adrian Childs, fear of snails.

No. In the 19th century, most dairy farms would have a snail paddock where they farmed snails. Rufus. I think they did farm snails. No, they didn't. Now, dairy farms farm cattle. You've got me again on a technicality

Mitchell, you cat. I'm glad that's happening to you. You usually treat me in that manner. Victorian dairymen would whisk snails into the milk to make it nice and creamy, and then chop them up to make those dark bits in Stilton cheese. Jacob Rees-Mogg has a pet snail called Fitzroy,

and he takes him everywhere, including the debating chamber of the House of Commons. When the sergeant-at-arms complained about the trail of slime he left on the benches, Rhys Mogg blamed the snail. Scientists at Nottingham University studied a rare snail whose shell coiled to the left rather than to the right. This one-in-a-million lefty snail was christened Jeremy after Jeremy Corbyn. In France, 200,000 tonnes of snails are eaten each year, almost all by gullible foreigners.

Ria. Yes. No, it's only 25,000. Oh, so it's down to the number. Well, yes, I mean, it's not the most sort of scintillating bits of radio that Tony's constructed there. He says one large number, it turns out to be a smaller large number, but, you know, I'm afraid we're in his hands at this point.

It can only help that some sort of editing process will render this more entertaining for the nation. And I take full responsibility for all the people that are turning off now. The French themselves can't stand them, and if they find one in their Deux Provençal, they'll spit it out.

In fact, their snail-spitting champion, Alain Jourdain, can spit a snail a distance of 34 feet. Ria. Is it 35 feet? LAUGHTER No, it is, in fact. Yeah, is it true? 34 feet is true.

Well done. Oh. Yes. And that's the end of Tony's lecture. At the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that if the cigarette snail

jabs you with its poison fang, you only have time to smoke one cigarette before you drop dead. y panel, sy'n dweud, os yw'r snail cyffredin yn eich llwyddo â'i ffang o ddysg, rhaid i chi ddim yn ystod eich amser i ffog un cyffredin cyn i chi droi'n ddiwedd. Yn y ddwy, byddai ddynion dair ymlaen yn gwisgo'r snail i mewn i'r llwyddo i'w gwneud yn dda a'i llwyddo. Byddai cynhyrchwyr ddynion dair ymlaen yn ddysg yn llwyddo llwyddo gyda'r ddynion a'i ddod yn ymlaen and dairymen would dilute milk with water and then add snail slime to give it a thicker, creamier texture. And the third truth is that scientists at Nottingham University studied a rare snail whose shell coiled to the left rather than to the right. This one-in-a-million lefty snail was christened Jeremy after Jeremy Corbyn. Anyway, that means, Tony, that you've scored three points.

OK, we turn now to Fern Brady. Fern is from West Lothian in Scotland, also the home of Alex Salmond. Very handy. He's one of many accusations made against him. Fern, your subject is wives, women who are joined in marriage to another person. Off you go, Fern. The word hussy comes from the Middle English word housewife. The word wife comes from the Middle German word wiffle, meaning nag. And the word husband comes from the term hosebound, or he who wears the trousers.

Ria. I quite like that. I do. I like the... Like, hose are trousers in German and Dutch, and band is not... What was it? Hoes bound, or he who wears the trousers.

Oh, no, that's total rubbish. I take it back. But you buzzed. Oh, I did? Oh, is that it? That's it, I'm committed? That's it. Oh, well, take the point.

I have. It's gone. Sometimes I thrill to the power. Fern. In 1832, Joseph Thompson, a Carlisle farmer, sold his wife for 20 shillings and a Newfoundland dog. He then used the 20 shillings to buy the dog a wig, some red lipstick and a wonder bra,

reasoning it could double up as both obedient, faithful companion and a pet. After the death... Tony. I think that there was a sale that took place for 20 shillings of this woman. and the pet after the death. Tony. I think that there was a sale that took place for 20 shillings of this woman. You're absolutely right. Yes, according to a contemporary report,

Thompson, this is Joseph Thompson, quote, placed his wife on a large oak chair with a rope or halter of straw around her neck. He then spoke. I have to offer you to your notice my wife mary ann thompson i took her for my comfort and the good of my home but she has become my tormentor a domestic curse a night invasion and a daily devil he then outlined her good points she can read novels and milk cows she can make butter and scold the maid she cannot make rum gin or whiskey

but she is a good judge of the quality from long experience in testing them I have actually tried to bring back wife-selling but modernize it you know for the 21st century so if you're interested please check out my website sheba thank you very much I'm glad you had a pun in mind. After the death of Philip the Handsome in 1506, his wife, Joanna the Mad, continued to sleep with his corpse beside her in bed for three years and was disappointed to find out that, if anything,

his night-time farting got even worse. George III's wife, Queen Charlotte, was so ugly, it was suggested that the king's bouts of madness were brought on by the trauma of having sex with her. Rufus. I, in reading about feminism, now understand that if the king was going mad, somebody somewhere would have found a way to blame his wife for it.

So, probably true. You're absolutely right. Yes, yes. It says here that Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz does not appear to have been attractive, but despite this unkind speculation about George's madness being brought on by the ordeal of having sex with her, they still managed to have 14 children together. More like the ladness of King George.

No. to have 14 children together more like the ladness of King George the wife of North Korea's leader Kim jong-un caught the eye of our country's leader when she was a member of North Korea's national cheerleading squad she captured his heart with the cheer one two three four that's the hairstyle we adore five six seven. Human rights are what we hate. Tony. I don't think that was the chant, but I think... I don't know why I'm losing confidence in this as I speak, but I think she was a cheerleader in her university days. She was indeed, yes.

I'm not sure if it was in her university days, but Kim Jong-un's wife, Ri Sol-yu, was among 90 cheerleaders who represented their country at an athletics championship in South Korea in 2005. Thank you, Fern. So, Fern, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the word hussy

comes from the Middle English word housewife. And the second truth is that after the death of Philip the Handsome in 1506, his wife, Joanna the Mad, continued to sleep with his corpse beside her in bed for three years. And that means, Fern, you've scored two points. A man's walking pace slows by 7%

if he's walking with a wife or girlfriend, unless he's walking with a girlfriend and sees his wife, in which case it speeds up by 700%. Next up is Ria Lina. Ria gained a PhD in viral bioinformatics before becoming a comedian, a combination of viral expertise and comedy not seen since Chris Whitty and Matt Hancock

hosted a COVID press conference. Appropriately, Ria, your subject is germs or microbes, microorganisms such as bacteria and viruses that can cause disease. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Ria. Microbes, or germs, are responsible for the devastating diseases yellow submarine fever, lemon and lime disease and sonorrhea, whose main symptom is the mispronunciation of the letter G. Scientists often nickname the germs they discover.

For example, there's mini-microbe Mike, the world's perkiest germ, Conan the bacterium, which is resistant to radiation, and Nemo the emo, which is sensitive to everything. Rufus? I'm going to have a stab at Conan the bacterium. Well stabbed. That's absolutely right. Scientists nicknamed a bacterium Conan the bacterium after finding it could withstand acid baths,

extremely high and low temperatures, and even radiation doses thousands of times greater than those needed to kill a human. Germs love to play games. Some germs, like salmonella, are great at playing sardines. Parasites are partial to a little peekaboo. And herpes love to play hide-and-seek, but it's really bad at it. Every time scientists have looked for it inside any kind of animal, they've found it.

I think the herpes thing is true, that it's always found in different animals' bodies. That part's true. You're absolutely right. Herpes viruses are part of a large family. Over 200 different herpes viruses have been discovered and at least one has been found in every animal species ever investigated by science,

whether it's mammals, birds, fish, reptiles, amphibians or mollusks. So if you catch herpes, you cannot narrow down what organism that was found. That's my favourite fact. I know, I'm such a dweeb. I've got dormant herpes in my spine. Oh, that sucks. Yeah, that's from chickenpox. If you've had chickenpox, you've got dormant herpes in your spine.

And if you get tired, you might get shingles. That's a ball ache. If it's in your balls. Mine wasn't in my balls. Or was it? Is this how you approach all medical problems that you have. No, this is just how I flirt. Transmission of disease is determined

by how many victims germs can actually see. Viruses have loads of tiny little eyes, so they're able to see loads and loads of potential victims in all directions, whereas bacteria are just tiny eyeballs, and fungi are extremely short-sighted poor things, which is why they are only able to infect places like feet. One of Tokyo's top tourist attractions is the Microbe Museum, where over 200 species of microbe are kept on display. Visitors can feed the germs, have their pictures taken with them, and buy a range of diseases and symptoms in the gift shop.

Although it's currently not open to visitors due to COVID. That's not the only way germs have been exploited by humans. There's a real problem in the industry of germ porn. Videos are taken of various microbes, often without their consent, and contain quite disturbing images. In fact, a video of active Stilton microbes was so salacious it was banned by the British censor, along with a video of a moldy microbes was so salacious it was banned by the British censor, along with a video of a mouldy bread orgy,

while an explicit movie featuring a rusting pipe was banned worldwide because of the chemistry. Rufus. Rusty pipe banned video, please. No, that's not true. Worldwide banning of a rusting pipe movie. No, I'm just saying the words in a different order now. Germs have become really popular with celebrities who like to sell their own branded products

made from their own body bugs. For example, Sugs from Madness had his resident microbes made into a cheddar cheese. Gwyneth Paltrow... Fern. Oh, no, keep going. Gwyneth Paltrow created a yogurt made from her vagina germs. Fern. I do believe Gwyneth Paltrow created a yoghurt made from her vagina germs. Fern. I do believe Gwyneth Paltrow has done that,

because also there was a woman made sourdough from, like, her vag. She didn't make it rise there. That's not the question. No, man, if you ever made sourdough, that'd be days. I know Gwyneth Paltrow, her company sells a scented candle called Smells Like My Vagina. People are very judgy about Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina candles, but I've had a couple of them now and they were delicious.

Well, it's unfortunately not true that Gwyneth Paltrow created a yoghurt from her vagina germs. Right. If you take only one thing away with you from this lecture, please remember that every time you wash your hands with soap and water for 20 seconds, a germ dies. But a fairy lives, although that fairy is liquid, and the germ is just a government hoax to keep us from the pub. Rufus.

If you wash your hands for 20 seconds, does a germ not die? No. Ah. No. Washing your hands with soap and water doesn't kill germs. It merely washes them away. Ah. I didn't know that either.

I mean, it's fine to just wash them away. There's no problem with having germs in the U-bend. That's what the U-bend's for. And that's the end of Ria's lecture. And at the end of that round, Ria, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that bacteria are just tiny eyeballs. Although, to me, that sounds a bit like things being put into language

that people understand, because they're not like tiny eyeballs, really. Well, the light goes in and it reflects off the back surface which acts like a rudimentary retina right and also you got to remember that like the eye has evolved multiple times in multiple ways so the squid eye and the human eye even though they both work the same way didn't come from the same universal ancestor so bacteria eye is basically what we're seeing now is the beginning of david now looks terrified so basically what you're saying i'm such a geek i'm so sorry there are millions of microscopic For those of you that don't know, David now looks terrified. I'm such a geek. I'm so sorry. There are millions of microscopic eyes everywhere.

The conspiracy theorists were right. But next time you see the Prime Minister, you'll know he's covered in eyeballs. That he has to shed them in taxis. The second truth is that a video of active Stilton ymwneud â'r sensor Brifysgol. Dyma'r ffilm cyntaf i'w sensori yn Brifysgol ar y ffyrdd o ddwynion yn 1898 ac roedd yn ffilm 92 gan ffynion ffilm Pionier Charles Urban yn dangos bacteriwyr trwy amgylch, yn llwyddo llwyth o gwrtau Stilton. A'r llwyth yw y byddai Suggs, and you nearly buzzed in on this, Fern,

Suggs from madness had his resident microbes made into a cheddar cheese. It sounds less likely than the paltrow vagina thing, but that was what was so fiendish about it. And that means, Ria, you've scored three points. It's now the turn of Rufus Hound. Rufus recently appeared on ITV's Dancing On Ice. He twisted, he turned, he spun,

but in the end he could only get out of it by saying he'd caught coronavirus. Your subject, Rufus, is biscuits or cookies, small flour-based baked food products that are typically hard, flat, sweet and unleavened. Off you go, Rufus. Biscuits are the oldest known human food. 6,000-year-old biscuits have been found in Switzerland.

They were eaten by ancient Egyptians. Though how the Egyptians got over the Alps is a mystery. Ria. Let's go with the Egyptians. That is absolutely right. It's also true... APPLAUSE It's also true that 6,000-year-old biscuits

have been found in Switzerland, and biscuits, not the Swiss ones, were eaten by the ancient Egyptians. Prince Charles's former private secretary, Sir Michael Pete, earned the nickname round the palace of Master of the Royal Biscuits, as he insisted that rich tea biscuits should be available at all times for Prince Charles Bourbons for Prince Harry and that there were always a couple of Viscounts on hand in case Prince Edward dropped I think the rich tea biscuits for Charles is true because even though

Charles has like his own line of biscuits at waitress Dutchie original yeah I mean exactly exactly, because his biscuits, he couldn't afford them. It's not true, though. He may eat rich tea biscuits, and rich tea biscuits are surprisingly old. They're like 18th century rich tea biscuits. I mean, not like

6,000-year-old Swiss biscuits, but they're an old recipe, whereas Hobnobs, early 80s. Did you know that really recent biscuit trying to pretend it's an old biscuit sneaking its way into the idiomatic references oh I'll have a little Hobnob no you've become a victim of 80s advertising rich tea that's an old biscuit don't get upset, though, your herpes will... No, absolutely not. Any stress and it will go right back in both balls again. I'll be flaking like the Prime Minister.

China's tradition of serving fortune cookies after a meal can be traced back right to 1993, when they were introduced as genuine American fortune cookies. Ria. I'm willing to believe that the fortune cookie is an American invention. You're absolutely right, it is. According to research at Bristol University in 1998, the best way to dunk a biscuit is with your eyes closed,

as the dunker then feels the wobble when the biscuit is reaching full saturation and is able to retract the tasty treat pre-collapse. Ria. That's a genius idea. Please be it true. I'm afraid it's not true. I'm going to do that, though. It is true that Bristol University research into biscuit dunking did occur in 1998. According to their research, then, the best way to dunk a biscuit is horizontally.

Not sure what that means. Does that mean that you're supposed to sort of insert the whole flat surface of the biscuit? I think you lie down. You lie down when you're doing it. LAUGHTER It was a biscuit that split up the Beatles. When Yoko Ono stole a bicky from George Harrison's personal stash, the renowned pacifist snapped like shortbread

and the band were through, because, in the end... The band you take Is equal to the snack You take In 2018, when a shop in San Diego started selling marijuana, a Girl Scout set up her stall outside that managed to sell 300 boxes of cookies. Ria.

She set up the stall, but she must have sold way more than 300 boxes of cookies. She set up the stall and she sold 300 boxes. According to the New York Times, she raised more than $1,500. Digestive biscuits have no particular digestive qualities, but then neither does the Reader's Digest, and no-one bangs on about that now, do they? Tony?

I don't think digestive biscuits do have any digestive qualities. You're absolutely right, they don't. Yeah. Oreo recently unveiled the world's first crash test donkey, a robot designed to test how long a random cookie can withstand being submerged in hot milk, thus automating a job that for a long time had been held by a human being.

Fern. I think it's true because Oreos are an ultra-processed food and they're obsessed with testing them to make them hyper-palatable. That's a very good point. But, no, they don't have a crash test donkey. And they should do. So you don't get a point, I'm afraid. And you do lose a point. So it's double bad

news. Do I actually? Yeah. That's the thing. If you were right, you'd get a point. But for guessing and being wrong, you lose a point. Oh my god! I know. It's a vicious game. I'm going to play it a lot more carefully in the next episode. The best way of playing, as Henning Vein once discovered,

was not to contribute at all. But it's a worrying discovery for the format. And, frankly, I regret mentioning it again. But that's the end of Rufus's lecture. And at the end of that round, Rufus, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that it was a biscuit that split up the Beatles. According to Abbey Road sound engineer Jeff Emmerich, things had already become tense after Yoko had a bed delivered to the recording studio, which she proceeded to live in, giving unwanted feedback on the music and referring to the band as Beatles rather than The Beatles, something that particularly annoyed Paul. But things turned irrevocably sour when

George Harrison furiously branded Yoko a bitch after he saw her stealing one of the digestive biscuits he kept on his amp. It caused a furious shouting match with John and an ultimate parting of ways. And that means, Rufus, you've scored one point. In 1892, British Prime Minister William Gladstone was hit on the head by a ginger biscuit, which was launched at him while he was riding in an open carriage, which, I hope our American listeners agree,

puts all that fuss about JFK into perspective. David Cameron says his favourite biscuits are oat cakes with butter and cheese. Tosser. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Rufus Hound. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place, with minus three points, it's Fern Brady.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In second place, with minus one point, it's Rialina. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, Tony Hawkes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by Jon Nesmith and Graham Garden

and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Fern Brady, Tony Hawkes, Ria Lina and Rufus Hammond. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was Jon Nesmith. Thank you.