The Unbelievable Truth - 26x03 Dolls, Laughter, Tennis, Philosophers

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

26x03 9 August 2021 Lucy Porter, Frankie Boyle, Sally Phillips, Neil Delamere Dolls, Laughter, Tennis, Philosophers

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Please welcome David Mitchell The panel show about incredible truth and fairly credible lies I'm David Mitchell and thanks to the listener who's written in to say when listening to your show while driving I was laughing so hard. I had to pull over till it had finished and that's's from Cyril Cox, formerly of the London Ambulance Service. Please welcome Neil Delamere, Sally Phillips, Lucy Porter and Frankie Boyle. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lucy Porter. Lucy is 4ft 11in tall, which means that during the pandemic she's been able to maintain social distancing from most people just by sitting down.

Lucy, your subject is dolls, small models of human figures, typically babies or girls, that are used as toys by children. Off you go, Lucy. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. All dolls are evil and terrifying. Sally. True. I'm afraid... I think that's a matter of opinion I mean, evil, they're inanimate objects

You say No, they're not all evil and terrifying My son was terrified of his dyslexia teacher because she had so many fillers She looked like a doll, he said She looks like baby Annabelle and he refused to go I know a woman like that Her face is now so tight He said she looks like baby anna fell and you refused to go I

Know a woman like that if she like her face is now so tight if she wants to open her mouth just to close her eyes Most fearsome of all are voodoo dolls while there is no tradition of sticking pins in dolls to harm people in voodoo They can cause psychological damage Sally voodoo ddiffyg seicoleg. Mmm... Wel, mae hynny'n... Iawn, gall unrhyw beth ddiffyg seicoleg. Gwbl. Nid unrhyw beth. Mae'n ddol voodoo.

Os byddai rhywun wedi dweud, "'I've bought you a solero," byddai'n dweud, "'I've made a voodoo doll of you." Ydych chi'n meddwl bod rhywun sy'n dweud, "'I've bought you a solero," ddim yn gallu ddiffyg seicoleg? I've made a voodoo doll of you. Do you think that someone saying, I've bought you a Solero, can't cause psychological damage? And under the right circumstances, that could destroy you. Under what specific circumstances would you be threatened by someone buying you a Solero?

OK. Oh, God, I should have... LAUGHTER You've just... You've just returned from a harrowing trip to the South Pole where you've lost many of your best friends and all of your fingers to frostbite. Right. Just as your recovery starts to kick in,

you are presented unable to hold it, as your fingerless hands are, with an ice lolly for fun. I would argue a penguin would be more insensitive. I would argue a penguin would be more insensitive. I would argue a voodoo doll would be worse. Alright, Sally, you can have a point for saying that voodoo

dolls can cause psychological damage. In 2016, Donald Trump sued US department store Macy's after they stocked a voodoo doll in his image. Neil. Yeah, I think that demented Lucashead bottle would sue Macy's. He had so many lawsuits out there, so I'm going to take a punt, but your face is changing as I say this, so I'm not sure.

I'm afraid it's not true. He did sue Solero for being the same colour. In related presidents suing truths, though, French President Nicolas Sarkozy tried to sue the makers of a Sarkozy voodoo doll, which turned it into a bestseller in France. The judge ruled that the doll, which came with a set of pins and a book explaining how to put the evil eye on President Sarkozy,

fell within the boundaries of free expression and the right to humour. So Sarkozy failed in that. Would a Sarkozy voodoo doll just be the same size as Nicolas Sarkozy? Dolls have always represented figures from folklore and mythology, like the horrific St Crispin's Day gargoyle, who would eat a child's shoes if they forgot to do up their laces. Sally. I think that sounds true, this St Crispin's Day gargoyle.

No, that's just invention. Evil invention of Lucy's, which I would say can cause psychological damage. A popular German doll was the Birthday Man, a bearded elf who brought well-behaved children bonus gifts on their birthdays. Frankie. That sounds like the Germans.

You're absolutely right. Yes, yeah. In later years, the Birthday Man was accompanied by the Receipts Unicorn, so parents could take everything back to the shop if their kids became unbearable. Mattel's dolls Ken and Barbie were launched in 1965 and are named after popular TV chef Ken Hom

and unpopular Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie. Some of Barbie's occupations over the years have included chimney sweep, accountant, Archbishop of Canterbury, presidential candidate... Neil. Presidential candidate. Bang on. Yes!

Police frogman, nail technician and the original Stig from Top Gear. Sally. Nail technician. No, not nail technician. I'm terrible at this game. All the famous inventors began their careers working on dolls. James Watt patented the first steam-powered doll as early as 1779,

although very young children had trouble shoveling in the coal required to power them. Thomas Edison sold talking dolls with miniature gramophones inside them, which are now highly sought after by hipsters, who insist that they provide superior sound quality to anything digital. And as a boy in Scotland, Alexander Graham Bell made a talking doll, just so that he'd have someone to call after he'd invented the telephone. Thank you, Lucy.

And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that there is no tradition of sticking pins in dolls to harm people in voodoo. Voodoo practitioners do make dolls, but instead of revenge, they are used for healing purposes and as a means of communicating with the dead. I mean, they don't work, doing any of those things. It's a nicer aim. yn hytrach na'r llaw, maen nhw'n cael eu defnyddio ar gyfer gofnodiadau ac fel ffordd o gyfathrebu â'r ddwyd. Dwi'n credu nad ydyn nhw'n gweithio yn gwneud unrhyw un o'r pethau hynny.

Mae'n ddwylo yn dda. Y llaw ail yw bod Thomas Edison wedi gwerthu doliwyr siarad gyda gramofonau minidur o fewn nhw. A'r llaw tair yw, fel bach yn Sgoliaid, fe wnaeth Alexander Graham Bell ddolio siarad, a dweud y gair Mama pan oedd yna ddwyloedd i ddynnu air drwy'r ddol. Sandra Gray and Belle made a talking doll, which spoke the word mama when a pair of bellows was used to blow air through the doll's windpipe. Sounds creepy but ingenious. And that means, Lucy, you've scored three points. The Barbie doll range includes Midge Hadley,

known as Barbie's pregnant friend. You can buy her as a set along with shifty-eyed Ken. OK, we turn now to Neil Delamere. Neil is from Ireland, and he'll be supplementing his paycheck tonight by smuggling a packet of sausages back home with him. Neil, your subject is laughter, the act or sound of laughing. Off you go, Neil. Every year in the UK,

there are at least 25 cases of cardiac arrest induced by laughter. In 2017, Andy Murdoch, a bricklayer from St Albans, was watching an episode of Miranda when he suddenly sat bolt upright in his chair, went bright red in the face and switched over to panorama. Laughing gas was used to sedate former president of Sinn Fein, Gerry Adams, during a dental operation in 2005.

It was decided using full anaesthetic, when you have to get the patient to count backwards, would be too terrifying. Nobody wants to be in a room with Gerry Adams going, five, four, three... Lucy. I mean, I wouldn't want to be in a room with Gerry Adams counting backwards. Since I've buzzed, I'll say that laughing gas

was used to sedate Gerry Adams at that point that you alleged. That's not true. There's no evidence that Gerry Adams had a dental operation in 2005. Of course, just because there isn't evidence that Gerry did something doesn't mean it didn't happen. LAUGHTER I can say that. You can't. there isn't evidence that Gerry did something, doesn't mean it didn't happen. I can say that. You can't.

According to the pressure group PETA, cows experience embarrassment when people laugh at them. Sally. That is true. It is true. In 2002, PETA, or People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, claimed that cows can suffer embarrassment if humans laugh at them. PETA have claimed that it's derogatory to refer to domestic animals as pets

and that calling people names such as chicken, pig and sloth is insulting to the animals referred to. I think the way you read that out was derogatory and insulting to a pet. But when you call someone a chicken because they're a coward, how likely is it, A, that there happens to be a chicken there overhearing, and B, that the chicken understands what you're saying and what it means? It would reinforce the linking of chicken with a negative personality trait. You know, we won't think of chickens as equals,

which would make us more likely to... To eat them would be their point. These animals need to toughen up a bit. They're going to be slaughtered. There's no point being a snowflake about someone laughing at you in a field. This is just a sorbet to clear the palate for what's coming up for you.

Are you thinking maybe a bit of sort of public ridicule of the animals will manage their expectations in a way that they use so... It might make them taste bitter. But it might make them taste delicious. It seems like it's like that type of beef. Guagra. Delicious, yeah, but on the other end of the spectrum, foie gras. Torture geese make geese delicious.

Which makes animals most delicious? Good or bad treatment? The research simply isn't being done. I've never seen anybody in a restaurant go, you can taste the shame off that. If you tickle a rat every day, it'll start laughing as soon as it sees you. Possibly because it knows it's infected you with Wiles' disease.

Until the discovery of giraffes, nobody in the east end of London ever laughed because Cockneys had no way to describe what was happening. In Korea, the ability to laugh and fart at the same time is considered worthy of high praise. Lucy. It bloody should be. No, it isn't. No. In Tanganyika, 1,000 people once fell victim to a laughter epidemic

leading to school closures and to complete banning... I believe that. You're absolutely right to believe it. Yes. Yes, in 1962, 14 schools in East Africa had to be shut down when 1,000 people were affected by an outbreak of mass hysteria known as the Tanganyika laughter epidemic. It began at a girls' boarding school

when three pupils couldn't stop laughing and crying and spread to 95 of the 159 students. Teachers were unaffected. LAUGHTER and spread to 95 of the 159 students. Teachers were unaffected. It says it took about two years for the epidemic to come to an end. Luckily, no danger of that happening tonight. In the culture of the Navajo, when a baby laughs for the first time, the person who made the baby laugh has to pay for a celebratory meal.

So if you're a clown and had loads of children, it would cost you a fortune, and you'd probably have to supplement your Prime Ministerial salary. In the famous words of the poet and philosopher Paddy McGuinness, brevity is the soul of wit. Yet, it has nevertheless been calculated that the optimum number of words in a joke is no fewer than

103. Perhaps the apex of 21st-century artistic achievement is the laughing, crying emoji. The emoji was, in fact, drawn from life. The sitter was 26-year-old Ai Kitamura from Tokyo, who ironically had a luxuriant head of hair and not, as you might expect, conjunctivitis. Sally.

I think the emoji fact was true. The fact that the emoji was drawn from life, not true. Not true. If you think about it, no-one actually looks like an impactor. I can't think. I'm going through the menopause. Fair enough, and thank you for sharing. And that's the end of Neil's lecture. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've also managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that if you tickle a rat every day, it'll start laughing as soon as it sees you. When tickled, a rat responds with ultrasonic chirps that not only sound like human laughter, but have also been shown to be expressions of pleasure. And studies have shown that not only will a rat return over and over again to a place where it was tickled

it will also start laughing as soon as it sees the person or hand that tickled it. The second truth is that in the culture of the Navajo when a baby laughs for the first time the person who made the baby laugh has to pay for a celebratory meal. And the third truth is that the optimum number of words in a joke is no fewer than 103. In 2001, psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman created Laugh Lab, a web-based international experiment to find the world's funniest joke. It invited people to rate jokes on a five-point scale, ranging from not very funny to very funny.

The survey revealed that the ideal joke contains 103 words. People from Ireland, the UK, Australia and New Zealand most enjoyed jokes involving wordplay. A favourite example being, Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse. Don't worry, I've got some cream for that. And that means, Neil, that you've scored three points. I've got a strawberry stuck up my arse. Don't worry, I've got some cream for that. And that means, Neil, that you've scored three points.

Next up is Sally Phillips. Sally's first ever TV role was that of Woman Covered in Vomit, a part she recreated recently after watching video footage of Matt Hancock snogging his adviser. Sally, your subject is tennis, a game in which two or four players strike a small ball with rackets over a net stretched across a rectangular court. Off you go, Sally. Tennis is mentioned 16 times in the works of Shakespeare and it's clear the bard was a keen player of the game,

purchasing his equipment from a local provision store on the South Bank entitled The Merchant of Tennis. The first proper tennis rackets were crafted from cow bone and strung with the guts of cats. Lucy. I really firmly believe that I've heard that catgut was used as a string, so can I pluck that string? You can, but you lose a point. Yeah. It's been

referred to as catgut. It was never apparently really catgut. No. It was usually sheep or cowgut. The greatest tennis player of all time was Edmond Barr, who was world tennis champion for an impressive 33 years in a row. Neil. I am going to say that's true, but it's like not the open era and it's a different sort of tennis. I mean, you couldn't be more right. Yeah. He was a Frenchman, J. Edmond Barr. He was considered to be the greatest 19th-century player

of real tennis or royal tennis as the previous form of tennis. He was the world tennis champion from 1829 until 1862, when at the age of 60 he was beaten by the English player Edmund Tompkins. US number one Art Larson relied on an invisible eagle to bring him luck, which he said was perched on his shoulder giving him tactical advice during play. Among the many prizes awarded to players, which he said was perched on his shoulder, giving him tactical advice during play. Among the many prizes awarded to players, Roger Federer was presented by a grateful Wimbledon with a bowl of Wedgwood strawberries. The German tennis authority gave him a Mercedes-Benz electric scooter.

The Swiss Open gave him a cow named Desiree. And the tennis club of Dubai rewarded him with a lifetime supply of oil. Neil. The cow is true, but then he laughed at it and the cow just skulked off and shamed. No, electric scooter. Not true. No.

Lucy. Oh, a lifetime supply of oil. It's not true. You lose a point. Neil. I'm going for the cow. You're going for the cow. I'm going to have the courage of my convictions.

Cow. Correct. Hey! Yes, the Swiss Open thanked Roger Federer for his late entry into the tournament in 2013 by presenting him with a cow named Desiree during the opening ceremony. Desiree was the second cow he'd received from the Swiss. They also gave him a prize cow named Juliet

after his first win at Wimbledon in 2003. It appears he kept neither cow. Desiree he sold at auction and Juliet he had slaughtered. Don't blame me. Roger Federer killed the cow. With a backhand slice. I would watch Roger Federer killed the cow. With a backhand slice. I would watch Roger Federer kill a cow. You would, though, wouldn't you?

It would be post-Watershed, it would be niche, but... Well, they could do it. You know in Wimbledon when it's rained off and it's normally Cliff Richard singing? Why not? It would be no more gruesome than that. I think what the world would want to see, though, is the three great players, Federer, Nadal and Djokovic,

each murder a cow. And I think we all know that Djokovic would just poison it. Several players have been forced to supplement their meagre earnings by selling merchandise. Andre Agassi put his name to an asparagus enzyme-based health drink called Agassi Sparagos. And Andy Murray has given his name to a tofu-based meat product called Murray Mints. Maria Sharapova doesn't care about health and has her own sweet company called Sugarpova. doesn't care about health and has her own sweet company called Sugar Pover. Andy Murray has no kneecaps. Surprisingly, this is an advantage as it allows him greater speed and agility on the court

as his legs can bend backwards like a camel's. Surprisingly, it has been revealed that women actually move faster than men in the professional game. Sports scientists analysing on-court activity at the US Open came to the conclusion that men's balls are fluffy. Which slows them down. Thank you, Sally. Thank you, Sally. And at the end of that round, Sally, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel as well,

which are that Art Larson, US national tennis champion in 1950, relied on an invisible eagle to bring him luck, which he said was perched on his shoulder, giving him tactical advice during play. The second truth is that Maria Sharapova has her own sweet company called Sugarpova. And the third truth is that at the US Open, men's balls are fluffy, which slows them down.

At Wimbledon, men and women compete using the same regular-duty balls. And that means, Sally, you've scored three points. APPLAUSE Five times winner of the tournament, regular duty balls and that means Sally you've scored three points five times winner of the tournament Bjorn Borg went without sex for the entire duration of Wimbledon fortnight yep been there done that it's now the turn of Frankie Boyle Frankie recently presented Frankie Boyle's tour of Scotland which was nominated for a Scottish BAFTA. It's like a normal BAFTA, but angrier.

LAUGHTER Your subject, Frankie, is philosophers, people who offer views or theories in an attempt to resolve various existential questions about the human condition. Off you go, Frankie. Philosophers. What is life? Why are we here? Am I getting travel expenses on top of what I'm getting for doing the show? My agent told me it's a flat fee, but is that true?

Or are they submitting taxi receipts to the BBC and claiming them back without telling me? It's questions like these that have plagued mankind since the beginning of arriving at this theatre. Lucy. Your agent is putting in taxi receipts on your behalf. But where are we? Is the world really a shield balanced on the back of a turtle?

Is the sky made of bronze? And inside every atom, does there live a miniature universe? The answer to these questions hit me one day when, almost without warning, I stopped taking acid. The first philosopher was Zeno of Citium, the founder of Stoicism, who, according to his biographer, was so mortified after falling and stubbing his toe in front of his students that he held his breath until he died.

Neil. I think that sounds like something ridiculous that a Greek philosopher, hope he's Greek, would do. You're absolutely right, yes. Let's look at what some philosophers actually think. Nearly a quarter of them believe in zombies, a figure that rises dramatically if you include Christians. John Paul Sartre believed everything can be explained

through scientific rigour and rational inquiry. Typical Leo. Sally. Yes to John Paul Sartre. That is not true. And what was the fact before then? Because I was tempted. I was window shopping the one before,

but I can't remember what it was now. Nearly a quarter of philosophers believe in zombies, a figure that rises if you include Christians. I feel like that might be... Are you going to go for that? Well... That's a neutral. Are you going to go for that?

I'm saying that as neutral as possible. No, I won't. I feel like that's going to be true, but I'm going to leave that in the shop window, yeah. Okey-dokey. You know, it just depends how you define zombie, doesn't it? And I can imagine philosophers would enjoy that, that 25% of them would find some way of saying, yes, reanimation of a dead corpse is possible.

You're heading back into the shop. OK, I'm going to buy it. I'm going to buy it. You're going to buy it. You're going double or quits on this section. Go on, 25%. This is for the speedboat. She was right about to jump on top. But let's see, in terms of do a quarter of, nearly a quarter of philosophers believe in zombies, yes, they do. Zombies in philosophy, as opposed to in horror films,

are imaginary humans designed to illuminate problems about consciousness and its relation to the physical world. So that's in this... I'm beginning to think that a proper discussion of philosophy, this isn't the right forum for. But Sartre did have an obsessive fear of crustaceans and other sea creatures. The metaphysical optimist Voltaire argued that the actual world we live in is the best of all possible worlds.

Sally. Was that Voltaire? No, it wasn't. He gave that belief to the character Condede in Condede. It's Professor Pangloss in Condede. Oh, Pangloss in Condede. Can I just say that Lucy correcting you on a Voltaire quote is the most Radio 4 thing I've ever seen.

The idea that we're living in the best of all possible worlds is a profoundly challenging one, because if true, it means that James Corden's carpool karaoke is somehow part of some bigger plan. that James Corden's carpool karaoke is somehow part of some bigger plan. Thomas Hobbes didn't see conflict as an inevitable part of human nature until he moved into a flat above Alondis. Nasty, brutish and short is how Hobbes famously described his lovemaking. Pythagoras discovered that you could determine the number of sides of any triangle

simply by counting up to three and then stopping. While the 18th century English philosopher Jeremy Bentham invented jogging, he also kept a cat which he named Reverend Sir John Langbourn and fed on macaroni. Sally? One of those two facts is true. The cat. Oh, the cat. Yeah.

You're absolutely right. Yes, philosopher Jeremy Bentham was an early advocate for animal rights and extremely affectionate towards animals, living with quite a menagerie. There was a pet pig he permitted to share his bed, which he described as a beautiful pig, which I used to rub with my stick. He said there was also

a young ass of great symmetry and beauty, to which I was much attached, plus a colony of mice which ran up his legs and a cat which he named the Reverend Sir John Langbourne and served macaroni noodles at the table. Isn't he stuffed? University

College London, I think. I've never been to see him. But that made me wonder if he's the inspiration for Dr Doolittle. Maybe he is. It would have been a great end to the movie if Rex Harrison had just been stuffed. Over the credits. By Roger Federer.

And that's the end of Frankie's lecture. And at the end of that round, Frankie, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that John Paul Sartre had an obsessive fear of crustaceans and other sea creatures, according to his biographer, Gary Cox. When Sartre was feeling down, he would get the recurrent feeling, the delusion that he was being pursued by a giant lobster,

always just out of sight, perpetually about to arrive. I love that. It's like Captain Hook and the crocodile with the clock in it, isn't it? Yeah. And the second truth is that English philosopher Jeremy Bentham, the one of the cats invented jogging which he called anti-prandial circumgyration and his friends described as a trotting step he would wake up at 6 00 a.m to circumgyrate for two hours a day

before beginning his work that means frankie you've scored two points. APPLAUSE Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Sally Phillips. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place, with minus one point, it's Lucy Porter. APPLAUSE And in joint first place, with an unassailable two points each, it's this week's winners, Neil Delamere and Frankie Boyle. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And in joint first place, with an unassailable two points each, it's this week's winners, Neil Delamere and Frankie Boyle.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Gardner and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Lucy Porter, Neil Delamere, Sally Phillips and Frankie Boyle. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash Thank you.