The Unbelievable Truth - 26x04 Insects, Words, Parties, Supermarkets

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

26x04 16 August 2021 Holly Walsh, Henning Wehn, Zoe Lyons, Richard Osman Insects, Words, Parties, Supermarkets

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. It's a show packed with lies and deception based on an original BBC format devised by Martin Bashir. Please welcome Richard Osman, Zoe Lyons, Holly Walsh and Henning Vein.

APPLAUSE The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths, which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth.

First up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is insects. Small, air-breathing arthropods with six legs and typically one or two pairs of wings. Off you go, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Everyone loves insects. Literally everyone. Name a person and I'll tell you how much they love insects. What's that? Queen Victoria?

She was so obsessed with insects that she even commissioned the master of the Queen's music to write a concerto in honour of the insects in the Buckingham Palace garden, which was a waste of time as most insects are deaf and the ones that aren't are much more into dubstep. Bridget? Are most insects deaf? They are. Well done.

Yes. Of the 30 major insect orders, only nine contain species that are capable of hearing. Of the 350,000 species of beetle, almost all are deaf. Another name, Olympian Greg Rutherford. In the 2012 Olympic Village, his nickname was The Cockroach, mainly because he survived two nuclear explosions

and scurries under the bed when you turn the lights on. Henny. Greg Rutherford is a fact. That's not true. Oh. His nickname is The Ginger Wizard, which is... It's amazing to be called that when there's already Ron Weasley. It'd be difficult for it to be a nickname

if what you are is a ginger wizard. What do you call that ginger wizard? We call him the Ginger Wizard. How about Holly Walsh? Well, put it this way, I never leave home without at least 40 head lice and my pet millipede that I've named David Mitchell after my favourite author. You can use a type of cricket to calculate the temperature and

sometimes the weather. For example, entomologists have noticed that if it's going to rain, the cricket is called off. Henning. Yeah, I'm sure you can tell from certain crickets what the weather will be like. If they're going to wear their wellingtons, it's going to rain. I think you get the point. Yes, you can calculate the temperature using a type of cricket, a snowy tree cricket, commonly referred to as a temperature cricket.

You count the number of chirps in 14 seconds, then add 40 to get the temperature. The praying mantis is the only creature on Earth with just one ear. It used to have two, but it lost a fight to Mike Tyson. Zoe. The praying mantis. Well, they're evil, aren't they, praying mantises?

They're just a weird-looking thing, so I imagine maybe it only has one giant ear. You're absolutely right. Yeah, the praying mantis does... APPLAUSE It has one ear located deep in the centre of its thorax. Yeah. Oh, wow.

It's the only animal known to have just one ear. The name for someone who studies insects is Brian. LAUGHTER Over the last 50 years, insect footsteps have got quieter, The only person who studies insects is Brian. LAUGHTER Over the last 50 years, insect footsteps have got quieter while their mating sounds have got louder. And much, much sexier. Or is it just me? HE BELLS

Henrik. With the amount of ambient noise in the world, I can imagine that animals are being louder. The mating sounds of insects have got louder? Yes. That's not true. Oh. They haven't. Zoe. I've got to go for the other bit, but the footsteps have got quieter. That's the one that's true, yes. According to Bernie Krauser, an expert in bioacoustics who's been recording the natural world since 1968, human interference is muffling nature's voices,

from bird songs to wolf howls to insect footsteps. And he says many of an ecosystem's sounds have ceased playing forever. Yeah, but he's getting older, Bernie, so... Yes, is he failing to factor in his own deafness? Yeah, exactly. Also, I can't hear what they're saying on television. LAUGHTER Yes, why won't they teach actors diction anymore?

Everyone thinks spiders are insects, but they're technically a herb. And everyone thinks bugs are insects, but if you think that, you'd be wrong and an idiot. Basically, most insects are awesome, but bugs suck. They're the worst. Henning?

Are bugs not classified as insects? They are classified as insects. Yeah, I would have thought so. Just checking. Well, it was very good of you to sacrifice the point to check that. And that's everything you need to know about insects. You may now stop scratching yourselves. Thank you, Holly.

And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that true bugs do suck. Aw! The word bug is not simply a North American colloquial term for an insect or invertebrate. It actually has a real scientific definition. In fact, the word bug refers to insects in one particular order, yn ystod y ddynion. Mae'n dechrau â ddefinidiaeth gwydnwch. Yn y ffaith, mae'r gair bug yn ymwneud â

dynion mewn un ordd arbennig, hemyptera, neu bugau gwirioneddol, sydd ganddynt rhanau ymdrinol fel sdraws sy'n eu gallu eu gallu tapio i ffwrdd bwyd a chynnyddio ffluid. Felly, er bod pob bug yn dynion, nid yw pob dynion yn bugau,

ac mae pob bug yn chynnyddio. Ac mae hynny'n golygu eich bod wedi cyrraedd un pwynt. not all insects are bugs, and all bugs suck. And that means you've scored one point. OK, we turn now to Henning Weyn. Henning is the self-proclaimed German comedy ambassador to Great Britain, and thanks to his tireless efforts over 17 years, he's managed to raise British interest in German comedy to almost negligible. Henning, your subject is words,

single units of language that have meaning and can be spoken or written. Off you go, Henning. In the beginning was the word, which means that words were invented by Jesus. Before Jesus, there was only sign language and smells. In most places people wrote using pictures which were worth a thousand words unless it was an Ikea Billy bookcase flat pack instruction in which case words were definitely more concise. in which case words were definitely more concise.

The irony was that before words, nobody actually needed an Ikea Billy bookcase. In fact, the Romans never bothered with bookcases because they never had any interesting books. That was because Latin does not contain the word interesting. So as a result, everything to the Romans was either sexy or boring. Today, all Romans live in Italy. Words had a very slow start in Italy, however. And today, most of them still talk with their hands or by leaving objects in your bed. The mafia are especially keen on keeping quiet,

and the word Mafia was never used in the Godfather movie. Holly. True. That is true. Yes, the producer of The Godfather, Al Ruddy, removed all mentions of the words Mafia and Cosa Nostra from the screenplay of The Godfather, despite the constant repetition of these words in the original novel. Ruddy was pressured to remove the wordsdysgu i'w llwyddo gan y Llyfr Ddeddf Cyhoeddus yr Amerigain, grŵp o ddysgu a'i gynnwys gan Joseph Colombo,

y Prifysgol Cymru, i wella'r imej o mobstri a chynnal ymwneud â'r maffiaeth. Mae hynny yma. Gwell ein imej neu'ch gwaith. Henny. Does yng Nghaerfod wedi cael ei ddweud am brwchbwder, ynglyn â cyfnod cyfnodol, oherwydd mae hyn yn cael ei ddweud am 99% o gyfnodau y DU. Does yng Nghaerfod wedi cael ei ddweud am shrug,

pan aeth y Prif Weinidog y Academi Franses, Jean-Jacques Beaumont, was asked why he replied in writing, I'm lifting my shoulders in a dismissive manner. Today, the English language has more than two million words, with 4,000 being added to the Oxford English Dictionary last year. These included geyser bird, rofflecopter, me3 and desivilisation. Richard? Rofflecopter. No. No, not at all. I reckon me3. No. No. Lucky you didn't buzz. Oh yeah. Good point. I just should have requested a schoolboy era Richard geez a bird no This leaves us with just the civilization yeah gone not true

Well if this example isn't included in this program it's because of the de-civilization of the BBC Words are now more important than ever because most of them are not allowed. So now that you can't say anything anymore, everything has gone full circle and we're back to pointing and making noises like English people on holiday.

As well as banning a lot of words in English, the Scots have no word for yes or no in their original Gaelic language. This means that they had to learn English before they could even have a referendum on independence. Zoe. Well, the Gaelic language does... Well, no, it does seem a bit... That is quite basic, isn't it, yes or no? I've buzzed, I'm going for it, there's no yes or no in Scottish Gaelic.

You're absolutely right. Oh. Scottish Gaelic. You're absolutely right. When the Russian confectionery industry launched a groundbreaking new chocolate bar, they named it Novichok. Unfortunately some crossed wires at the branding and trade name secretariat resulted in the death of several sweet shop owners. Thank you Henning. A, ar ddiwedd y rhan honno, Henning, rydych chi wedi llwyddo tri gwirionedd dros y rhan o'r panel, sy'n ymwneud â'r hyn nad yw'r Laeth

yn cynnwys gair ar gyfer ddiddorol. Y gwirionedd ail yw, nad yw'r Ffrens yn gain ar gyfer sgrwg. A'r gwirionedd tair yw, nad yw'r Saesneg yn gain ar gyfer brwchbwder, ynglyn â chyfres arall. Y cwrdd gorau yw, have no word for shrug. And the third truth is that English has no word for bruchbude, meaning substandard accommodation. The closest word in English would probably be hovel.

And that means, Henning, you've scored three points. Next up is Zoe Lyons. Zoe recently became the host of the quiz show Lightning on BBC Two. The aim of the game is to stay out of the spotlight. Well, hosting a quiz show on daytime television should achieve that. Zoe, your subject is parties, social gatherings held for pleasure, often as a celebration. Off you go, Zoe.

The well-known line, there is a party in my pants and you're all invited, originates from a centuries-old tradition. A party was thrown to celebrate a boy getting his first pair of trousers. Holly. A boy getting his long trousers. Correct. Yes. Well done. Yes, so you're right. There were parties for boys getting their first pair of trousers.

They were known as breaching parties and were common in Britain from the 16th to the early 20th centuries among better-off families. Yn ystod y bwydau'r cyfnodau, roedd yn enwadol yn ystod ystod y 16 oed i'r 20 oed yn ystod y 20 oed, o feithrechion yn yng Nghymru. Yn ystod y cyfnodau cyntaf oedden nhw, roedd yn ystod ystod ystod y cyfnodau, roedd yn ystod y cyfnodau, roedd yn ystod y cyfnodau, while girls continued to wear dresses. In Regency times, the newly trousered boy would generally receive his first short haircut, after which his shorn locks were gathered up and given to the party guests as mementos. Shorn lock? Do you think maybe he was named after that practice?

Yeah, nothing but a going-home present from an 18th-century party. The shorn locks and Jimmy Carrs were handed out at the end of the evening. practice. Yeah, nothing but a going home present from an 18th century party. Sean Locks and Jimmy Carrs were handed out at the end of the evening. In ancient Rome, toga parties were called come-dressed-as-you-are parties. Never one to be perturbed by a party dress code on an invitation. When attending an event at New York Studio

54, Grace Jones once arrived on the back of a camel wearing two stuffed puffins as earmuffs. When asked why she was wearing them, she said, What? A party punchbowl is so called because a fight will break out amongst partygoers the moment it is drained.

One British admiral avoided the social skirmish by using a punchbowl so large it had to be manned by bartenders paddling around inside it in canoes. Richard. Canoes in a punchbowl. Correct. That's so good. Yes, in 1694, Royal Navy Admiral Edward Russell

hosted a week-long party in Alicante for 6,000 sailors for which he turned a local fountain into a giant punch bowl. It was manned by bartenders who paddled around in a small wooden canoe, filling up the guests' cups and working in 15-minute shifts to avoid passing out from the fuse. That was essentially the first series of Love Island. Andy Warhol employed security at his warehouse parties to frisk people as they left.

It followed an incident where an audacious gatecrasher at a plastic people gathering tripped and a can of stolen Campbell's soup dropped out from their skirt. Holly. I bet people did nick stuff, so I bet he did have people frisking them on the way out. No, he didn't. That's a good lie, though.

That is a really good lie. I think she should get an extra point for that quality. I think that if the points are given out like that, they will lose all value, and it'll be like this is just a pointless way of wasting money. I'll value it. And that's the last thing I want, so I'm afraid I can't allow that. David Mitchell's a party pooper. I am a party pooper

guests attending King Edward the seventh weekend house parties on the other hand were weighed on arrival and departure to make sure his generous hospitality had caused them to put on weight Henny I'm by dad You're right to buy that. That's absolutely right. Yes, to ensure they'd been fully indulged during weekend house parties at Sandringham, Edward VII subjected all his guests to being weighed on arrival and departure using a pair of scales. It's rumoured the royal family continue this tradition today, with each member weighing themselves before and after Christmas dinner.

Before and after an interview with Emily Maitlis, I think. LAUGHTER Modes of transport that are available for party hire include Bodicea's War Chariot, John Paul II's Popemobile, a boat pulled by harnessed black swans, and a stretch-hummer limousine owned and driven by 1980s rapping legend M.C. Hammer. Richard. M.C. Hammer's Hummer. As far as we know, it isn't, I'm afraid. a limousine owned and driven by 1980s rapping legend MC Hammer. Richard.

MC Hammer's Hummer. As far as we know, it isn't, I'm afraid. Maybe no longer roadworthy. That has ruined my weekend. Yeah. Henning. The Pope. John Paul II's Popemobile. Yeah.

Yes, you're right. That is available. You can hire the Popemobile to turn up to a party. Yep. This is the Popemobile used by John Paul II on his visit to Ireland in 1979, and it can be hired for stag and hen parties. The 15-seater vehicle can be hired from the Dublin Wax Museum for a cost of €300 an hour plus VAT.

Plus Vatican. Mae Joan Collins yn poeni ffermion bwyd-dwrthu. Yn dilyn ymwneud â chyfnod lle roedd hi wedi mynd allan wrth ymdrech i ddod o'r holl ganddynion ar ei gadeg. Mae Bear Grylls yn ffroedig o ffermion cocteil, ar ôl ei fod wedi cael ei adael i ffermio, oherwydd aeth i'r ffermion drwy ddynnu dau sgwydon martini sticks together. He was later caught at the same event in the kitchen drinking his own wee after straining it through a sock.

Annually, more people are killed by pop champagne corks at birthday parties than sharks, but then sharks are very rarely invited to birthday parties. Richard? Yeah, I think champagne corks kill more people than sharks. There are no figures that we could find, but you don't lose a point, but you don't gain a point. We might do a rescoring

when the full evidence of the champagne cork deaths comes in. Have you ever thought about doing sort of follow-up shows? Just, you know, where are they now, those facts? We go back to see... Well, yes. In fact, there was a show a few years ago where John Finnemore jokingly said that Boris Johnson would become Prime Minister.

It's not such a funny listen now. Anyway, that's the end of Zoe's lecture. And at the end of that round, Zoe, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the panel, which is that Bear Grylls is frightened of cocktail parties. Speaking at a conference in 2017, he said, we all have fears, I'm scared of cocktail parties with lots of people I don't know.

I really genuinely am. Honestly, I'd go swimming with sharks before I was anywhere near those champagne bottles. It's just... They make me very nervous when somebody's taken the wire guard off the champagne and then just continues chatting and waves the thing around. It's like, you know, at school, trying to concentrate on a lesson

when there's a wasp in the room. You know, just get rid of the wasp and then go back to fractions. Sorry, I'm having a flashback. Anyway, that means, Zoe, you've scored one point. It's now the turn of Richard Osman. Richard's book, The Thursday Murder Club, is one of the highest-selling hardback novels ever. Take it from me, it's non-stop action

from the start of page one to however far you get. Your subject, Richard, is supermarkets. Large self-service shops selling foods and household goods. Off you go, Richard. The first supermarket was opened in Willy Wally, was called Piggly Wigglies and only sold Curly Whirlies. Holly. Willy Wally.

No, there's no such place. Supermarkets have been the cause of countless wars over the century. The Peruvian Marmite conflict of 1967 was absolutely horrific, or absolutely delicious, depending on which historian you listen to. Zoe. Supermarkets have been the centre of wars over the years. Price wars. Ah, yes. Interesting.

Yes. Yes, but that's not... Yes. It's... Well... The thing about... Yes. Yes. Yes, indeedy. The reason I I know well the thing about us. Yes. Yes indeedy The reason I'm not going to give you a point. It's because a price war Isn't a war In the phrase price war the word war is used metaphorically Well, not a real I mean I'll kill for a bargain Again, you're using I I very much hope, the verb kill metaphorically.

No, I mean, I'll really go for it. Even if you did kill for a bargain, that wouldn't be a war, it would be a murder. The 1950s saw the margarine wars in Japan. This was fought between one side who couldn't believe it was not between one side, who couldn't believe it was not butter, and another side who couldn't believe it wasn't not butter. The margarine war spread very quickly until somebody decided to put them in the fridge.

Further breakfast skirmishes followed, including the Marmalade Uprising in Armenia, the coffee battles in Fiji, and the Nutella riots which took place in France. the Coffee Battles in Fiji, and the Nutella Riots, which took place in France. Zoe. Coffee Battles, Fiji. No. Oh, gosh.

But there were the Jam Wars in Armenia. I remember that clearly. The Marmalade Uprising in Armenia. That's not true. Holly. I reckon the Margarine Wars might have been a real thing. No, that's not true. No.

In 1998, grammar activist Jonathan Elliott was prosecuted for vandalism by Sainsbury's after defacing every sign stating eight items or less, so they read eight items or fewer. We seem to have a Radio 4 audience. Holly. Yes, bruv. No, that didn't happen. There's no such grammar activist. Things went from bad to worse for grammar activist Mr Elliot

when the judge gave him a sentence which ended in a preposition. Peter Foster of Banbury was arrested at his local M&S for resting his testicles on a self-service check-up machine. He was... Zoe. This is no ordinary self-check-up machine. I reckon if I had testicles, I'd pop them out in M&S. Just gently weigh them.

How many? Two of those, hopefully. Let's see how much they'd cost if they were sprouts. Yeah. Well, I'm afraid it's not true about Peter Foster. He was caught when the machine said, very unexpected item in Bagby. While Iceland has no stores in Iceland, it once tried to stop the country Iceland

from using the name Iceland in an advert. Holly. Yes, that last one. That's absolutely right. In 2014, the UK-based supermarket Iceland secured a trademark for the word Iceland, which began a five-year dispute with the nation of Iceland. In 2019, after the supermarket tried to block the country

from using the slogan inspired by Iceland in a tourism advert, the Icelandic government took action and the intellectual property office invalidated the supermarket's trademark in Europe. The chief executive of Tesco is actually called Deborah Morrison. I'm kidding, she's actually called Elaine Waitrose. Zoe. Going for the Morrison. Chief Executive of Tesco, Deborah Morrison? Yeah. Not true. OK. More likely than Elaine Waitrose, though, you were right.

Not saying that's not true, Henning, if you want to buzz. No, I'm not... Oh, there could be a double buzz. Henning, are you buzzing for that? Elaine Waitrose it is. No, no, that's not true. Waitrose has a unique place in British culture. The first ever winning lottery ticket in the UK was bought at the Waitrose in Winchester and the 2.1 million jackpot was spent on two bottles of sparkling water and some falafel.

Henning. First ever winning lottery ticket at Waitrose. No, that's not true. Certainly not Waitrose in Winchester. The first national lottery win of £5,874,778 happened in 1994 and Winchester didn't get a Waitrose till 2009. That is insanity. That is the weirdest fact I've ever learnt on this show.

Do you know what? In the Thursday Murder Club, there's a Waitrose in Tunbridge Wells, and apparently there isn't one. And the people of Tunbridge Wells are fuming. I heard that the people of Tunbridge Wells were already fuming about the absence of a Waitrose, and I think it was there. There was certainly a place where they didn't have a Waitrose and they felt they ought to have one,

and they tried to sue Waitrose for not opening one. As if they, you know, because of the way that was affecting their house prices and general self-esteem. And Waitrose had to explain, we don't have to open one. Well, I've been caught at the tail end of that comment. That's throwing salt in that wound. Isn't it just? You know what, though?

There's a mark of suspensors. In Tunbridge Wells? Tunbridge Wells, attached to the petrol station as you drive in. That's not the same. An M&S food in a petrol station. Oh, that scant comfort. They want a proper Waitrose with a fish counter. That is adding insult to injury.

Waitrose has laid on opera recitals, yoga classes, wild water swimming evenings and bingo for its customers. Just time to let you know that Asda sells a pack of 13 chicken nuggets called Unlucky Cluckers and Asda milk bottles have contained milk written on them. Holly. Contained milk. Asda milk bottles, yes, they have contains milk written on them. In 2009, the same year that Winchester finally got a waitress,

Asda added contains milk under the allergy advice heading on their milk bottle labels. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. At the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the first supermarket was called Piggly Wiggly. Today there are more than 530 Piggly Wigglies across 17 US states. The second truth is that in January 2018 Nutella riots took place in France.

This followed the French supermarket Intermarché offering a 70% discount on Nutella. Kilo jars were going for just €1.40. Customers started fighting and pushing one another to get hold of them. They were going for each other like animals. A woman had her hair pulled, an elderly lady took a box on her head, another had a bloody hand. It was horrible, said one customer. And the third truth is that Waitrose has laid on yoga classes.

In 2018, same year as the Nutella riots, nine years after Winchester got a Waitrose... LAUGHTER ..in 2018, Waitrose trialled a programme of evening yoga classes in their Newbury, Basingstoke and Banbury stores in an attempt to bring in new customers, although not of the kind who might put his sack in the bagging area. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points.

In 2015, Asda had two of the oldest supermarket workers in the UK, both 90 years old. They later left to join B&Q, where they're known as the youngsters. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus five points, we have Henning Vein. In joint second place, with a total of no points between them, it's Holly Walsh and Zoe Lyons. And in first place, with an unassailable one point,

it's this week's winner, Richard Osman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Holly Walsh, Richard Osman, Zoe Lyons and Penny Vane. Thank you.