The Unbelievable Truth - 26x05 Mushrooms, Milk, Monkeys, Children

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

26x05 23 August 2021 Rufus Hound, Fern Brady, Ria Lina, Tony Hawks Mushrooms, Milk, Monkeys, Children

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And some exciting news. The programme has recently won a top radio award for best sound editing.

So let's hope the editor doesn't get too complacent, doesn't get too complacent, complacent get. Please welcome Tony Hawks, Ria Lena, Fern Brady and Rufus Hound. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth, or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Tony Hawks. Tony has taken a fridge round Ireland, he's taken a piano up the Pyrenees, but met his toughest challenge yet when he moved to Devon and was told to shove his fancy London ways up his arse. Tony, your subject is children,

young people who are not yet adults. Off you go, Tony. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. During lockdown, when a couple from central India had twins, they named the girl Corona and the boy Covid. They said the twins would be welcome playmates for their older daughter, Cholera. Ria?

I think the girl's called Corona. You're absolutely right. And the boy is called Covid. Yes. Preeti and Vine Verma, a couple from India, welcomed twins on 27th March 2020 and named them Corona and Covid. Mrs Verma said,

when the hospital staff started calling the babies Corona and kovat we decided to name them after the pandemic I would call that a tremendously bad decision be like being called heart disease I'm glad I'm not called heart disease it's only a bigger version of what already happens anyway isn't it because the small normal version is that I look at my children and I think, you ruined my life. They always get away with the star sign cancer, I think. I mean, it's like, how come it's OK to have a star sign called cancer? My star sign's cancer.

I wish it wasn't. It makes me think about cancer. Well, it does, doesn't it? I say, what's your star sign? Cancer. I'm thinking about cancer. I might die of cancer. It's quite likely that I'll die of cancer, isn't it? That's one of the main things people die of.

And your symbol is crabs, so you're really losing on both fronts. You might think a parent could name their child whatever they want, but, for example, it's illegal in Saudi Arabia to name a child Sandy. In Pinchbeck, Nebraska, it is illegal for a child under five to be photographed in military uniform, while in Ruxton, Texas, children under the age of 10 are only allowed to carry

two clips of ammunition for their assault rifle. I want to go with the kid being only allowed to carry a certain amount of ammo because they do make assault rifles for children and they're little blue ones and little pink ones and it's quite abhorrent. So I think they've gone, you can have the gun but you can't have too much fun with it.

Just the two clips of ammunition. So you could they've gone, you can have the gun, but you can't have too much fun with it. Just the two clips of ammunition. So, you know, you could have a small spree killing, but, you know. No, that's not true, but it sounds horribly plausible. Rufus? Just because of the speed at which Tony picked up that bit of paper to carry on, I'm going to chance my arm

at the, you're not allowed to have a child wearing a military garb. That's not true either Always tricked you there Quick picking up a piece of paper Oh Jimmy quick sheets over there The reason he's called that has nothing to do with this game In early 20th century America, parents who were worried about their children

travelling unaccompanied on long-distance trains could send them by parcel post instead. Ria. I think Americans did send their kids by post. You're absolutely right, they did. Yes, in 1913, the United States Postal Service increased the weight limit for parcels from £4 to £11, with very little regulation as to what could or couldn't be sent. This prompted some parents to post their children to relations or grandparents, the first being Jesse and Matilda Beagle of Ohio, who mailed their eight-month-old baby to his grandmother for a price of 15 cents. a chyflodd eu plant o 8 mis i'w mab i'w mab am rai cyfrif o 15 cwnt.

Roedd ychydig o ddilyniadau arall yn dilyn. Yr un fwyaf yn enwog oedd Charlotte Mae Pearsdorff, a gafodd ei ddilyn o Grangeville, Idaho i'w tŷ o'i mab am 73 oed, am cyfnod o 53 cwnt. Roedd clywedu pobl, yn unig o'r gwaith, yn cael ei wneud was made a federal crime in 1920. Seven glorious years of posting children. It was the Jesuit monks who coined the phrase, give me the child aged seven and I'll give you ten quid.

Everyone thinks of Queen Victoria as a strict but loving mother. She had jewellery made out of her children's teeth and her silver Vesta case was decorated with their fingernails. Rufus. I think teeth jewellery. Do you? You're right to think teeth jewellery. Queen Victoria incorporated her children's baby teeth into jewellery.

She had the first milk tooth of her firstborn daughter, Princess Victoria, set in a brooch, and the milk teeth of her youngest child, Princess Beatrice, turned into a pair of earrings. She would see the children every day for 15 minutes, without fail, to watch them play. Although when Prince Albert was around, the children were forbidden to play with strong magnets. When Prince Albert was around, the children were forbidden to play with strong magnets.

The author Roald Dahl once claimed that the two things he couldn't abide were children and cucumbers. Ria. I'm going to hazard a guess at Roald Dahl with children and cucumbers, because of all the snozzcumbers he put into BFG. Oh, yeah. And stuff. Yeah, and all the cruelty that he put in for children. Because of the cruelty. It's not true, unfortunately. Roald Dahl said he couldn't abide nasty teachers and gluttonous

children. And he also had a fierce antipathy against beards. Because I remember Mr. Twit has a horrible beard. He had lots of food stuck in his beard. Lots of little snacks, which actually can be nice if it's your beard. You can't eat from someone else's beard, it's rude. You're right, it's too intimate.

All parents like to keep their children in order by threatening them with monsters if they misbehave. In Hungary, for example, loving mothers and fathers threaten naughty boys and girls with a visit from the slimy fingered worm lady, the buttock snatcher and the copper penis owl. There is some debate as to whether the owl has a copper penis or the copper has an owl shaped penis. Either way the kids are terrified of it. Thank you, Tony.

And at the end of that round, Tony, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that it is illegal in Saudi Arabia to name a child Sandy. Saudi Arabia has a list of 50 banned children's names, which include Sandy,

Linda, Elaine, Alice and Lauren. It's thought Sandy might have been banned as it's short for Alexander, as in Alexander the Great, conqueror of the Persian Empire. And the second truth is that in Hungary, mothers and fathers threaten naughty boys and girls with a visit from the copper penis owl. I don't know what they say the Copper Penis Owl will do. I've never been particularly aware of owls' penises at all.

You've lived a very sheltered life, haven't you? I suppose I have, yeah. And that means, Tony, you've scored two points. The record for the most children ever to get into one single bed was set by 76 scouts in 1975. It was such a squeeze that the only way the scoutmaster could get in as well was by taking his clothes off. OK, we turn now to Fern Brady. To finance her university studies, Fern worked as a stripper.

And there's me thinking I was the only one. Fern, your subject is milk, an opaque white fluid rich in fat and protein which is secreted by female mammals for the nourishment of their young. Off you go, Fern. Just you saying that reminded me of my stripper days. I was like, pay me if you're going to say this to me. Anyway... Despite living off a diet of dead skin cells,

rotting rubbish and poo, cockroaches produce milk that's one of the most nutritious substances on the planet. A tragedy, given their boobs are so small and dirty, no-one ever wants to suckle on them. However, cockroach milk has been made into one of the world's most popular cheeses, Roachfart. Rufus.

I think cockroaches do make milk. They do indeed. Yes, that's absolutely right. Not all cockroaches. This is the female Pacific beetle cockroach, which are native to Hawaii, give birth to live young, which they feed with a pale yellow liquid milk. This milk was discovered to be three times richer in calories

than buffalo milk, and it's also packed with essential amino acids. Oh, delicious. The thickest, creamiest milk is whale milk, but as it has the consistency of toothpaste, baby whales have to squeeze the mummy whale from the bottom upwards to get out the last bit of the milk. When Byron wrote of the milk-white walls of the Vatican,

he spoke the truth, because milk from the Pope's cows is used to paint the Vatican buildings. They had initially opted to use Farrow & Ball's Wimborne White, but the church blew the decor budget, defending some lawsuits. Tony? I think for some bizarre religious reason they painted cow's milk onto the Vatican. You're absolutely right.

They did, yes. The Vatican uses milk from the Pope's cows to paint its buildings. The milk is mixed with slaked lime and natural pigments using an ancient recipe dating back more than 500 years which the Vatican believes produces a paint that's more durable than modern synthetic paints it's then hand patted onto the walls that sounds the weirdest thing about it yeah hand patted yeah they don't use a brush just get a bit on your hand

and pat it what's the justification for that it's not one of those things like what would Jesus have done because if he'd have done it there'd have been holes in the middle of where we put his head you missed a bit Jesus his holiness stipulates that the only other use for the milk paint shall be in paintings depicting the lactation of st. Rufus a scene in which the Virgin Mary relieved a Franciscan monk's distress by squirting her breast milk onto his cornflakes. Rufus. I don't believe any of that to be true,

but just for the image in my head, I'd like Fern to have that point from me. I tripped over my words because I'm a Catholic and I was correcting the facts. It was the lactation of St Bernard and she weren't squirting her breast milk onto his cornflakes, I was going to go over my words because I'm a Catholic and I was correcting the facts. It was the lactation of St Bernard. And she weren't squirting her breast milk onto his cornflakes, but she was squirting it right into his mouth.

This is a famous painting of a saint and the Virgin Mary, and my mate Alison is obsessed with it. She has earrings that show the lactation of St Bernard. Well, Rufus, you don't get the point because it wasn't the lactation of St Bernard. But, Rufus, you don't get the point, because it wasn't the lactation of St Rufus. The Virgin Mary didn't squirt milk at St Rufus. No. He squirted milk at St Bernard right into his mouth. Yeah.

What a moving and normal religious thing that is. Yeah. When St Bernard got back to the monastery, covered in a white liquid, he said, well, it's quite simple what's happened. I was praying at St Mary's statue and she lactated right at me because I'm so holy and she's so keen on me,

said St Bernard modestly. There we go. Which is weird, isn't it? Because up until then, Bernard had a real reputation for lying. Before fridges were invented, Russians kept their milk fresh by putting live frogs in it. Human breast milk is a laxative, which is why you never hear

of babies or perverts complaining of being constipated. Tony? I think it might be a laxative, in a way. Well, we know who the pervert is in this. Oh, I think. I don't know how I know. You're absolutely right, Tony.

Or should I say St Bernard? Yes, breast milk is easy for babies to digest and is considered a natural laxative. Camel's milk tastes disturbingly like marmite, which is why milk has never been a popular commodity in Saudi Arabia. That is, until Abdullah Al-Aziz converted an oil tanker to carry fresh cow's milk and started a regular run from Denmark. Today, multimillionaire Abdullah is known as the milkshake. a chyflenwiol o'r llwyth o fwyl a chyflenwiol o'r llwyth o fwyl. Yn ddiweddar, mae Abdulah yn enwol fel y ffwrdd o fwyl.

Diolch, Fern. A, ar ddiwedd y rhan honno, rhaid i chi ddysgu dau gwirionedd yn ystod yr adran. Mae llawer o fwyl yn cael ei gyflawni fel llwyth. Mae'r llwyth yn cael ei gyflawni fel cyfrif ffwrdd, ac mae'n galluogi'r llawer o fwyl i fynd drwyddo o'r ddwydy, heb ei brechgu. consistency of toothpaste the thickness is attributed to the high fat concentration and it allows the whales milk to travel through the water without Breaking up and the second truth is that before fridges were invented Russians kept their milk fresh by putting live frogs in it The amphibian skin secretions are loaded with peptides

antibacterial compounds that are as potent against salmonella and staphylococcus bacteria as Prescription antibiotics and that means Fern you've scored two points Next up is realina Rhea has a degree in experimental pathology and MSc in forensic science and a PhD in viral Bioinformatics her student loans should be paid off just before the end of civilisation. Ria, your subject is monkeys, small to medium-sized primates with long tails that typically live in trees in tropical countries.

Off you go, Ria. Everybody wants a pet monkey. The most popular variety is the mandrill, the perfect gift for Father's Day. The most popular variety is the mandrill, the perfect gift for Father's Day. Monkeys have been known to cruelly parody apes and humans behind their backs, to avoid selfish people, and to absolutely abhor those who dance like nobody's watching.

Rufus. I think monkeys avoid selfish people. You're absolutely right. How do you know? Well, to be honest... Maybe you're selfish. Well, truth be told, I'm actually the king of the swingers, the jungle VIP. What happened was, I

reached the top. Now, do you just end it there? No. Is that what's bothering you? Oh, is it? It is true. Capuchin monkeys have been found to avoid people who are selfish. Does hynny ddiffygwyrch chi? Ydy. Mae'n wir. Mae monciau caperchin wedi cael eu canu i ddewis pobl sy'n ddifrifol. Mae gwydnwyr wedi rhoi'r monciau yn ymwybodol o weithwyr a gofyn i'r dynion i weithredu mewn ffordd ddiddorol neu ddiddorol at ei gilydd. Roedd y sefyllfaoedd y gwnaethant eu gweithio allan ddim yn gyffredinol i'r monciau.

Ond mae'r anifeiliaid yn glir yn ddiolch i'r interaccion y dynion, gan fod gwaith wedi'i gwasgaru i'r dynion ar ôl. Yet the animals clearly judged the interactions of the humans as when food was offered to them by the actors afterwards, the Capuchin were more likely to take food from those who behaved in a helpful way and to avoid those who appeared selfish. But isn't it we share 99.7% of our DNA with monkeys? So it's only a tiny fractional shift that is the difference between us. The whole DNA percentage thing is a bit skewed,

because I think we share something like 60% of our DNA with a banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's, you know... Also, the universality of DNA. So if you can lock down a particular trait to particular DNA and introduce that trait in any living organism, that trait will then be true of that organism. So jellyfish glow in the dark,

but you can find that trait genetically and introduce that trait will then be true of that organism. So jellyfish glow in the dark, but you can find that trait genetically and introduce that trait into rabbits, then you have rabbits that glow in the dark. Hooray! Yeah, we've had them for... Why not? We can get rid of cat's eyes then, can't we? We just have the roads...

We should just put rabbits in the middle of the road. Or just lay down a really specific trail of carrots and have one rabbit. Monkeys were considered for some of the most iconic roles in Hollywood history, including the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, Yoda, Miss Piggy and Kevin in Home Alone 2. Rufus. I'm going to guess...

It's a classic list. Yeah, was there a Miss Piggy in there? There was. I'm going to say that maybe they thought they could put a monkey in a Miss Piggy costume for a long shot so they didn't have to puppeteer it. No, they didn't. Ah!

But, you know, it's a good go. Any more for any more on that list. You could make loads of points out of this. If they really go for the list, they can get obsessive. I've seen it happen. It's like a feeding frenzy. Like sharks around a human head Or like glow-in-the-dark rabbits

around carrots on them Yes, exactly Or glow-in-the-dark foxes around a glow-in-the-dark rabbit in our nightmarish glow-in-the-dark countryside that we're now doomed to thanks to Rufus Could we have glow-in-the-dark Tories

after the glow-in-the-dark foxes after the glow-in-the-dark rabbits so we can see them? Glow-in-the-dark Tories in their hunting pinks also made glow-in-the-dark on glow-in-the-dark Tories after the glow-in-the-dark foxes, after the glow-in-the-dark rabbits, so we can see them? Glow-in-the-dark Tories? In their hunting pinks, also made glow-in-the-dark, on glow-in-the-dark horses with their glow-in-the-dark dogs? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, brilliant.

Could just do it in the daytime. Ria. In 2003, six monkeys were funded by the Arts Council to see how long it would take them to type the works of Shakespeare. After four weeks, they admitted defeat, having broken the computer and shat on the keyboard. Although what they produced still went on to win the 2004 Turner Prize, before being bought by Charles Satchie, who, to be fair, thought it was by Tracey Emin.

At one point, it was even discussed with the bosses at Sony whether actual monkeys should replace the members of the newly formed band Arctic Monkeys, since none of them could play musical instruments, but in the end it was decided they would instead form a tribute band to the 60s band The Monkeys, which required fewer chords and thus less rehearsal. The first monkey to appear on television was a spider monkey caught by David Attenborough using an upturned glass and a sheet of paper. Another TV favorite was Marcel the monkey, who had to leave the sitcom Friends due to an addiction to pornographic images.

He and some rhesus macaques were paying to see compromising pictures of female monkeys' bottoms. Fortunately for the victims involved, they never came into contact with Marcel and his matey macaques, and he willingly entered rehab before retraining as a teacher. Thank you, Ria. And at the end of that round, Ria, you have managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the film role for which monkeys were considered was Yoda. George Lucas originally intended a monkey in a mask

to play the role of Yoda in Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back, as it was then known. The monkey was screen-tested for the role, but the plan was abandoned when the monkey kept pulling his mask off and waving it around. And the second truth is that in 2003, six monkeys were funded by the Arts Council to see how long it would take them to type the works of Shakespeare.

According to researcher Mike Phillips, they pressed a lot of S's, but obviously English isn't their first language. Another thing they were interested in was in defecating and urinating all over the keyboard while the lead male got a stone and started bashing the hell out of the computer. The third truth is when the four original members yn cyflawni'r cyfrifiad, yn hytrach na'r ffeind ar gyfer y ddyn arall, a dechreuodd ysgrifennu'r gwaith o'r cyfrifiad. Yn ystod y ddwy, pan ddewisodd y ddwy aelodau o'r Arctig

creu band, nad oedd yn gallu chwarae ddynion cerddorol. A'r ddwy gwynt yw bod rhai o'r mwysiau macacus rhysus yn gwneud cyflwyniadau i weld lluniau o'r lluniau mangylch. Mae'r astudiaeth yn dweud bod rysusai ffermig mechak rhysus yn rhoi'r ffrwythu'r ffrwythu'r ffermig er mwyn edrych ar ffotograff o ddwychiau ffermig gwneud.

Ond, mae'r gwyddonwyr wedi dod i ddysgu y byddai'n rhaid iddynt ddod i'r ffermig, eto, mewn ffrwythu'r ffrwythu, i'w gael i edrych ar ddwychiau ffermig lleser. Ac mae hynny'n ymwneud â llythu cancer. Felly mae hynny'n golygu, you know, instead of curing cancer. So that means, Ria, you've scored four points.

It's now the turn of Rufus Hound. Before becoming a comedian, Rufus worked at Claire's Accessories. He was responsible for the sale of hundreds of thousands of items, with a total value of £3.20. Your subject, Rufus, is the mushroom, a sometimes edible fungus that typically takes the form of a domed cap on a stalk with gills on the underside of the cap. Off you go, Rufus. Small button mushrooms, medium-sized white mushrooms

and large portobello mushrooms are all the same mushroom at different levels of maturity, a bit like a fungi version of Martin Fowler off of EastEnders but with less emotional baggage. The chicken mushroom is so-called because it grows under the soil and refuses to come out until the big boys have all gone home. Tony. Well, I think there are some mushrooms that grow under the ground,

so I think I'll go for that. It's not true. The chicken mushroom is called that because it tastes of chicken. I mean, I bet it doesn't. That's gonna be... But it does a bit. You know, stick with chicken if you want chicken. It's a default thing, isn't it? They always say, well, what does that taste like? A bit like chicken. What does a rat taste like? A bit like chicken.

What does a human taste like? A bit like chicken. No, it's a bit more like pork. Yeah, I've heard humans taste like? A bit like chicken. What does a human taste like? A bit like chicken. No, it's a bit more like pork. Yeah, I've heard humans taste like pork. Well, pork tastes a bit like chicken, doesn't it? Good point. Scientists in Japan who've been hitting mushrooms with lightning have discovered that not only does it make them grow physically, it also helps them grow emotionally.

Ria. Yeah. Yes, lightning, Japanese scientists, and it changes the mushroom somehow. I've watched a lot of Star Trek, the mycelial network. It's alive, and I believe. Yeah. I don't know what you're saying now,

but it is true about the lightning and the mushrooms. According to research in Japan, lightning does indeed make mushrooms grow, and it makes them more plentiful too. It's a discovery that confirms Japanese farming law which for centuries has held that lightning strikes produce plentiful harvests of mushrooms. Debussy was buried in a suit made of mushrooms. A renowned fan of edible fungus he said at the time meals made of mushrooms powered my composition now they'll help me to

decompose. Except he said it in French, so it had a little extra... I don't know what. Alan Titchmarsh discovered magic mushrooms growing in the Queen's Garden at Buckingham Palace, but told no-one. Sadly, the jig was up three hours later when him, Tommy Walsh and Charlie Dimmock were found naked on the Mall, screaming the theme from Thundercat, a visiting Ugandan dignitary

Fern I think that that's true that Titchmarsh discovered the mushrooms and told no one about it because it's that well he discovered the mushrooms He didn't tell no one about it. Oh really or we wouldn't know about it. Well, no one keeps a secret like Titchmarsh No-one keeps a secret like Titchmarsh. I thought you would have told no-one, because there's that mad reverence for the royal, like, we must not disturb Her Majesty with this news. I thought it would be like that.

Yes, Her Majesty would be very upset to hear how easily she could get off her face in her own garden. Yes, Alan Titchmarsh discovered the hallucinogenic red-and-white fly agaric mushroom when filming a show about the Buckingham Palace gardens for ITV. It's believed the mushroom grew naturally in the palace grounds rather than having been planted there. Everyone, that is what is believed, and it was a straightforward shooting weekend.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said, for the avoidance of doubt, fungi from the garden are not used in the palace kitchens. Mushrooms can make it rain, especially at the strip club that's hosting their hip-hop album launch. According to published research, there's a bright orange mushroom in Hawaii that, when smelled, causes an instant orgasm in women.

A spokeswoman for the International Journal of Medicinal Mushrooms said... I thought I told you to go back in ten minutes! Thank you, Rufus. And at the end of that round, Rufus, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that small button mushrooms, medium-sized white mushrooms and large portobello mushrooms are all the same mushroom Mae'n dda i ni ddysgu tri gwirionedd ar ôl yr olaf o'r panel, sy'n bodoli bod oedran mawr, oedran bach, a oedran bach, yn yr un oedran ar lefelau gwahodd gwahanol. Mae oedran mawr yn y tyfnogion,

mae oedran bach yn y tyfnogion, ac mae oedran bach yn y dynion, i'r rhai sy'n gallu meddwl amdano. Mae'r gwirionedd ail yn y gall oedran ei wneud yn fyrdd. Mae miliwn o ton o sbwr oedran yn cael eu llysgu like cannibalism. The second truth is that mushrooms can make it rain. Millions of tonnes of mushroom spores are dispersed up to 50 miles into the atmosphere each year, and recent evidence suggests these spores act as nuclei for the formation of raindrops in clouds.

Scientists believe this may promote rainfall in certain ecosystems, like those in the tropics, that are heavily populated by mushrooms and other fungi. And the third truth is that, according to published research, there's a bright orange mushroom in Hawaii that, when smelled, causes an instant orgasm in women. And that means, Rufus, you've scored three points. Abraham Lincoln's mother died after drinking milk

from the family cow which had eaten poisonous mushrooms. Luckily, Lincoln himself had left home early to go to the theatre. Too soon. According to a recent study, there's a bright orange mushroom in Hawaii that causes instant orgasms in women. And a bright orange man in Florida, who doesn't? Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with one point, we have Tony Hawkes.

APPLAUSE In joint second place with two points each, it's Fern Brady and Rufus Hound. APPLAUSE And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Rialina! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

MUSIC PLAYS The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Fern Brady, Tony Hawkes, Rialina and Rufus Hammond. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Neskow. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.