The Unbelievable Truth - 27x01 Pigs, Underwear, Camels, Sausages

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

27x01 10 January 2022 Alan Davies, Lucy Porter, Lou Sanders, Justin Edwards Pigs, Underwear, Camels, Sausages

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Please welcome David Mitchell Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth The panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies I'm David Mitchell Today we've got four guests who are all champing at the bit So let's remove their restraints and introduce Justin Edwards, Lou Sanders, Lucy Porter and Alan Davis The rules are as follows.

Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Justin Edwards. Justin is married to Lucy Porter and is nearly a foot for a truth. First up is Justin Edwards. Justin is married to Lucy Porter

and is nearly a foot and a half taller. He still remembers the day he proposed, going down on one knee and towering over her. Justin, your subject is the sausage, a food item consisting of minced meat, usually pork, stuffed within a cylindrical casing. Off you go, Justin. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. The first mention of sausage in English literature

is by Geoffrey Chaucer in The Monk's Tale. She bringeth forth the greatest sausage skin, with guts and brain and sawdust boned within. Lucy? Chaucer mentioned sausages. He doesn't. Oh, OK. No.

The first instance of the word sausage in English is from the mid-15th century, Mae Chaucer wedi sôn am sosege. Nid yw'n ei wneud. Y cyntaf o'r gair sosege yng Nghymru oedd o'r cyfnod 15 oed ac roedd y sôn o'r dynion Chaucer wedi cael ei ysgrifennu rhwng 1387 a 1400. Nid oedd gair sosege. Wel, efallai eu bod nhw'n ddiddorol. Yn ymddangos nad oedd y Grec yn cael gair ar gyfer blw. Roedd popeth yn blw.

Y sgai, y dŷ. Roedden nhw'n meddwl nad oedd yn dweud. Efallai roedd y cair sosege fel hyn yn y cyfnod cymdeithasol. Mae'r pethau hynny yma. The sea they thought it went without saying maybe it was like that with sausages in the Middle Ages It's those things they're everywhere The first appearance of sausage as a foodstuff was in Egypt over 3,000 years ago when the tomb of rameses the second was found to include a plate of what was believed to be dainty mummified lamb sausages Lou I wouldn't put it past him Those crazy Pharaohs yeah, They put anything in their tubes

No In a sense you didn't say it was true You just said you wouldn't put it past them So no points deducted thank you No there is a point deducted I'm just trying to be supportive The light and nutritious dish bangers and mash

is recognised as the very pinnacle of British oat cuisine I'm just trying to be supportive. The light and nutritious dish, bangers and mash, is recognised as the very pinnacle of British oat cuisine and was the wedding breakfast of Margaret Thatcher. Lucy. Yeah, Margaret Thatcher had sausage and mash at her wedding breakfast. We don't know, but I don't think so, because I think she would have considered that too down-market. a gawson a mash ar ei gyfnod o gyfnod o gyfnod? Dydyn ni ddim yn gwybod, ond dydw i ddim yn credu bod hi'n credu y byddai hi'n ystyried hynny fel y byddai hi'n ymwybodol iawn.

Rwy'n disgwyl bod hi'n cael rhywbeth ychydig yn bryderus. Fel beth? What's it? What's it? What's it in that sauce? Lucy, mae'n rhywbeth o ddifrydol nad ydych chi'n gwybod pan fydd eich ffyn yn llai, nid yw'n dda? Lucy, it's sort of embarrassing that you don't know when your husband's lying, isn't it?

The wife is always the last to know, Lou. Yes, bangers and mash. You'll be familiar with its many other names around the world. In the United States, it is called zeppelins in fog. In Germany, schlange und baumwolle, meaning vipers in cotton wool. And the prosaosaic Danish version, Kotschstammer Pargile, or meat logs on slurry. Lucy?

I'm just challenging my husband on every single thing he says. So what's new? You don't have to come on the radio to do that. I just don't trust you. I don't like it when he talks for too long without interruption. I've just founde. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie.

Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie.

Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie.

Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Ie. Mae slang am soseg a bwyd masho yn ddynion yn ffog, ond mae slang am soseg a bwyd a chwnau ac acon yn slang am dynion ac bwyd. Mae cluck a grunt yn yr hyn rydyn ni'n ei wneud yn y llyfr. Cluck and grunt. Now, that's rhyming slang for what you're doing. That joke's spreading slowly around the room. Yes. It's got an R rate of 1.3. In Germany today, the car company Volkswagen has a neat sideline in sausages, selling more of them than cars. Alan. That's true. It's absolutely true, yes.

Yeah, it's true. Volkswagen own Volkswagen Curry gynnal Cwriwurst Volkswagen, cwmni soseidio a'i chyflawni yn 1973. Yn 2017, mae Volkswagen wedi cynnal 6.8 miliwn Cwriwurst a 6.3 miliwn carau. Ydyn nhw'n gyfrifol am llawer o fuddoedd? Wel, yn amlwg, ond rwy'n disgwyl eu bod nhw'n credu nad ydyn nhw. Ychyd bit like Justin. If I'd known it was going to be like this.

Simon Rattle once conducted the Berlin Philharmonic using a giant knock first. And the more adventurous would-be rocker can even play sausage guitar, whereby you stretch your penis out as long as possible and strum it like an air guitar. Lucy. We've all seen you do that. Well, that is true.

It says here on this sheet that sausage guitar is a slang term referring to stretching out the penis so it's as long as possible, holding it at the same angle that you would a guitar and then strumming it like an air guitar. I can do ukulele. Yeah. Performance artist Mark McGowan strapped 48 sausages to his head, sat at a bath of baked beans and put chips up his nose,

claiming to have turned himself into a full English breakfast. The Turner Prize jury disqualified him as there was no bacon or egg. If it's sausage-based fun for all the family you're after, North Yorkshire has just approved its latest visitor attraction, Sausage World, overseen by the lovable, top-hatted mascot, Sir Bertie Bangers, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jacob Rees-Mogg. Although, as Sir Bertie is made entirely of raw sausage meat, he is much more likeable and indeed useful. Thank you, Justin. Thank you, Justin.

At the end of that round, Justin, you've smuggled two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that performance artist Mark McGowan strapped 48 sausages to his head, sat in a bath of baked beans and put chips up his nose, claiming to have turned himself into a full English breakfast. Despite the fact that I would say chips should not be included in a full English breakfast. No. i gyd-Inglis iawn. Yn erioed y ffaith bod, byddwn i'n dweud, y byddai'r sgwpion ddim yn cael eu cynnwys mewn gyd-Inglis iawn. Na.

A'r tebyg ail yw, mae Cymru'n ddiolch yn ddiolch yn ddiolch am ei ddyfyniad ar gyfer ymweld â'i ffwrdd ffosig. Co-Founder Andrew Keeble dweud, os nad ydych chi wedi gweld gwaith sy'n gweithio mewn ffosig, yna mae'n werth. Mae gennym ffosig sy'n gallu cynhyrchu 1300 o gwasanaethau yn un munud.

Mae'n fel gwrtaith gwrtaith. Felly, os nad ydych chi wedi gweld hynny, mae'n werth. Os ydych chi wedi gweld hynny, nid yw'n werth. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Justin, bod chi wedi cymryd ddau pwynt. Iawn, rydyn ni'n troi naw now to Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is camels.

Large, humped quadrupeds that live in deserts and are used for carrying goods or people. Off you go, Lou. Camels come from Surrey. They're milked through their eyes and they love the rhythm of Irish dance. They can see with their eyes closed and they know some basic sign language. Justin. I think camels can see with their eyes closed. they know some basic sign language. Justin.

I think camels can see with their eyes closed. You're right. Flipping out. How? Camels have special inner eyelids which close to stop sand getting into their eyes but which are thin enough for the camel to see through. But they also have outer eyelids. They've got like two layers of eyelids.

Oh, i just thought they were magic and they often whisper to each other before mating hey i can see your camel's toe and i like it camels love to socialize and get rambunctious they exchange camel bants and laugh around with each other. It's called camel-radery. They sometimes have a devil-may-care attitude and put themselves in harm's way. It's called camel-garzy. Their favourite popular music is by the artist Boy George.

And their favourite song is... No further questions. A camel spit was once used as an aphrodisiac. I say once, I'm still using it. Justin. I am. I am. That sounds, of all the things you've said,

the most plausible that camel spit could be an aphrodisiac. It does sound more plausible than the camel, camel, camel. It's not true, unfortunately. And the froth from a camel's mouth was once used as a contraceptive. I say once. I'm still using it and I've only been pregnant 16 times. 15 if we're counting the camel. Lucy.

Camel spit has been used as a contraceptive. Was that what it was? Camel froth? Froth from a camel's mouth as opposed to camel spit. Camel froth. The froth from a camel's mouth has indeed been used as a contraceptive. In North Africa, froth from a camel's mouth was once swallowed by women in the belief that it would act as a contraceptive.

But it did not. Self-produced cellar cardigan made of camel fur for over £2,000. And if you fancy it, finally, ASDA have started stocking long-life camel milk. According to ancient Chinese superstition, two camels is a blessing and four is a curse. China also installed the world's first camel traffic lights in the desert, and they've set up a congestion charging zone

for camels crossing the desert at certain times. The Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla Parker Bowles, was named after a camel called Camel... LAUGHTER No-one buzzing for that? Over ten camels were recently disqualified from a beauty contest for using Botox and foul language. Lucy.

I can imagine there is a camel beauty contest and I can imagine that camels would be disqualified for using Botox. Well, that's good imagining. Because that's absolutely right. Yeah, yeah. In 2018, 12 camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia's annual camel beauty contest after it was discovered they had received Botox injections 12 camels were disqualified from Saudi Arabia's annual camel beauty contest

After it was discovered they had received Botox injections to make their pouts look more alluring If you're wondering why on earth their owners thought it was a good idea to cheat in this way the contest offers a prize of 3.7 million pounds for each category So it is worth this is what we should all be doing. LAUGHTER Thank you, Lou. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel.

Which are that Asda have started stocking long-life camel milk. And the second truth is that China installed the world's first camel traffic lights in the desert. It's at a popular tourist spot on the edge of the Gobi Desert where camel-riding tours are a big draw. And that means, Lou, you've scored two points. Next up is Lucy Porter. In February 2020, Lucy announced her new theatre tour,

entitled Be Prepared, about the importance of being ready for anything. And indeed, Lucy was prepared for anything, except, as it turned out, a global pandemic that shut off the theatres. Lucy, your subject is underwear, clothes worn beneath a person's outer clothing, often directly next to the skin. Off you go, Lucy.

Franz Liszt was the first musician to have women's underwear thrown at him, which came as a surprise since he'd only popped out for some Chopin. Justin. I was hesitantly buzzing him, but I think Franz Liszt could have had knickers thrown at him. I mean, he was the Tom Jones of his day, wasn't he? He certainly was, and he did. Well done. Yes, Hungarian pianist Franz Liszt

was regarded as perhaps the finest pianist of the 19th century and was hugely popular with audiences. Female fans would throw their underwear onto the stage while he was performing. During a concert in Berlin in 1842, several women burst into uncontrollable hysterical laughter at the sheer sight of him, while others simply passed out. It must have taken forever in France this time just to get them off. What were the girdles and the corsetry or something? It would be serious quantities of cloth. Yeah.

Don't you have throwing knickers? cloth yeah don't you have throwing knickers I mean if you thought I might throw the knickers at that singer you'd take a pair of throwing knickers that's actually a good way of using underwear that you sort of think well it's still serviceable I don't want to throw it out be a waste but I tell you what I can use Mae'n dda i ddefnyddio ddwyloedd, ond mae'n dal i fod yn ddewis. Dwi ddim am ei roi allan, ond gallaf ei ddefnyddio mewn ffordd da i ddangos cyfrifol ar ryw fferm. Ie, yn y gwirionedd. Mae'n ymlaen i'r ffordd o ddiflasu, o ran beth mae'n golygu rhoi dwyloedd. Os ydych chi'n dod â'r dwyloedd, nid yw'n dangos yr un lefel o ddiffygol fel os ydych chi'n ei gadael yn ystod. the same level of arousal as if you remove it in situ. So having thrown the underwear you brought, you might think, do you know what?

I'm actually going to throw my today's underwear as well because this gig was so great. But then you might then hold back a pair of throwing knickers for the night bus. Following his 2001 sex bomb tour, Tom Jones donated some of the underwear that had been thrown at him to UNICEF, who used it to build a school in Mozambique.

In order to hit the high note in Goldfinger, Shirley Bassey had to remove her bra between takes. Lou. I think the Shirley Bassey thing is maybe true. It is true. Yes. Yeah. APPLAUSE I'm going Bassey thing is maybe true. It is true. Yeah. I'm going to have to take it off. That's my Tom Jones, but it doubles as Shirley Bassey.

In order to give herself more breathing room while holding the final long note in Goldfinger, Shirley Bassey removed her bra between takes. Stand back, I'm unclipping. Shirley Bassey removed her bra between takes. Stand back, I'm unclipping! LAUGHTER People running for the fire, actually. LAUGHTER

Vic Flick, the session guitarist on the track, recalled, John Barry wanted this long note held. He said to do it again and she said she couldn't. But then there was a rustling noise and suddenly this bra comes over the top of the vocal booth and then Shirley really let it go Do you think it was her actual bra or was it a throwing? In 1997 C&A were forced to withdraw six thousand pairs of men's underpants from sale because they'd put the hole in the wrong place

or 6,000 pairs of men's underpants from sale because they'd put the hole in the wrong place. Missing the point that it doesn't matter where you put the hole, certain husbands will still manage to spray it all over the floor anyway. Justin. Is there a truth in there, Justin? Well... We'll speak about this later, but the... LAUGHTER

I think C&A could well have recalled underpants were being a hole in the wrong place. Well, you're right, they did. Well done. APPLAUSE In 1997, retailer C&A had to withdraw 6,000 pairs of Y-fronts because a manufacturing error had placed the hole in the wrong spot. It's been reported that in 1980, roedd CNA'n rhaid ysgrifennu 6000 o ffermau ysgol ymlaen oherwydd oedd ychydig o ddiffyg y gweithrediad wedi'i lleoli'r llwyth yn y lle iawn. Mae wedi cael ei adroddiad yn 1980, roedd CNA wedi dod â rhaglen o ffermau i'w ddynion, gyda'r llythyr C wedi'i ddynu ar y fferm o'r ffermau ac y llythyr A ar y llawr,

i ddangos pa ffordd y byddant yn ei leoli. Ond mae hyn yn fyddiadwriaeth. they should be worn. However, this is an urban myth. I didn't think men's pants had a hole in. They have a hole, two holes for the legs, a hole for the torso, and one hole for the penis. But you... So you don't sort of just get it out? You put it through a hole?

Yeah. Are you kidding me? Wow, this is... You don't need to worry about it, Lou. Is that right? Yeah. I've lived with men and I didn't know that. It's always very informative, this show. Lucy. An average of 4,000 people a year are injured by their bras in the UK,

although this number did go down once Barbara Windsor retired. Justin. It just sounds very likely to me. I've never put on a bra or taken one... Well, I mean... I have had to wear a bra for work purposes. A sex worker. OK.

It's Shirley's own... I'm afraid that's not true. On average, there are 400 underwear-related injuries in Britain every year. The bra market really took off in 1917 when the US War Industries Board called on women to make the switch from corsets in order to save materials. This freed up some 28,000 tonnes of metal,

enough to build a battleship. This became three battleships once opera singer Dame Nellie Melba donated her girdle to the cause. Lou. Um, yes. No, I think the beginning bit of that is true. They were encouraged to wear bras and not corsets. Yes, that.

That. Yeah, that. Absolutely. Yes, Alan helped you there. As a result of the World War I metal shortages, in 1917, the US War Industries Board asked women to stop buying corsets in order to free up metal for the war effort.is corsets er mwyn llwyddo metol ar gyfer y pwrpas.

Roedd yna'r rhan fwyaf o corsets yn gweithio â ffram stil metol. Ac wrth ysgwyd corsets i'r bra newydd, roedd y dynion wedi achub 28,000 ton o stil, sydd wedi bod yn ddigon i adeiladu cwrs. Mae hynny'n llawer o stil. Gwell gwaith i'r dynion. Mae'r Blwmers yn cael eu enw ar ddynion Amur, Amelia Blwmer, Well done, Jimmy. Bloomers are named after American activist Amelia Bloomer, who hoped that some big frilly pants might destroy the patriarchy,

and Y-fronts were developed for the masses by Karl Marx's son, Skid. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Bloomers... Bloomers, I knew it was Bloomers. It's Bloomers, named after American activist Amelia Bloomer, who hoped that it would destroy the patriarchy.

And that means, Lucy, you've scored one point. During the 1984 Memphis Classic, Un pwynt. Yn ystod 1984, roedd golffwr broffesiynol clasig yng Nghymru, Gary McCord, wedi cymryd swyn a chyflawni ei drosodd, yn dangos nad oedd ganddo dynion arno. Roedd y cyffredin yn gweld 19 llwythoedd y dydd hwnnw. Mae'n bryd i Alan Davies. Mae'ch bwnc, Alan, yn ffugiau.

Mae dynion fferm wedi cwrdd â'r bwll byw, a'u gwaelod yn cael ei ddynion fel porc, ham a bacon. So, Alan Davis, your subject, Alan, is pigs, farm animals descended from the wild boar whose meat is eaten as pork, ham and bacon. Off you go, Alan. Pigs. Pigs can't see what's in front of them. Their eyes are set so they can only look directly up. All they ever see are the sun and the stars and Richard Osman. As a result, they're fearless,

so they have been used in conflicts, in the mud of the Great War, to root out wounded men as target practice for archers at Agincourt, and by the Romans as war pigs to defeat elephants by squealing loudly, causing the elephants to panic and crush all the Romans. Just it.

I would readily believe that pigs could dig out wounded people in the First World War. No, they didn't. No. They refused. No. Fair enough. No. Pork scratchings were once a coveted aphrodisiac.

Lord Byron himself swaggered around social functions with a bag of scratchings. If a young lady seemed wary of his reputation, he would reassure his possible conquest that she would be safe with him by approaching her with a twinkle in his eye and a pig's bladder condom hanging out of his pocket. In Australia,

the expression babe magnet is used to describe someone who is attractive to pigs. is used to describe someone who is attractive to pigs. Everyone thinks a pig toilet is a sanitary convenience for the more fastidious porker, but in fact it's a human toilet mounted over a pigsty to enrich the diets of the pigs beneath. Lou.

I'm just getting nervous because I can see he's getting to the end of his lecture. And we haven't got any truths from him yet. And then I zoned out of what he was saying, so I'd quite like him to repeat the last bit. I think it's a good one. I'll say that one. You say that one, OK. Will you reread that, please, Alan?

Everyone thinks a pig toilet is a... I'm still doing it in my radio form. ..is a sanitary convenience for the more fastidious pork, and, in fact, it's a human toilet mounted over a pig's thigh to enrich the diets of the pigs beneath. Oh! That's what you buzzed. Well, I'm happy to tell you, Lou, that it's true.

Yes! APPLAUSE I thought you buzzed. Yeah. Well, I'm happy to tell you, Lou, that it's true. Yeah! Yes, the pig toilet, once common in rural China and India, was basically a human toilet mounted over a pigsty providing human faeces for the pigs to eat as well as other food. When the pig's birthday comes around, as a special treat, thoughtful owners will eat a birthday cake the night before. LAUGHTER The reason the police are sometimes known as pigs thoughtful owners will eat her birthday cake the night before. LAUGHTER

The reason the police are sometimes known as pigs is because the old slang term for a truncheon was a pig. This comes from the French, where a short club is known as a cochon. Lou? Yeah, all of that is true. Er, actually, none of it. LAUGHTER Yeah, OK. Sorry, I think it works Yes. Yes, OK. Sorry, I think it works better for you not to listen.

LAUGHTER And many American parents are worried that exposure to Peppa Pig is turning their children British. BELL RINGS Justin. I think that's true. There's something about American children developing British accents. That's absolutely right. Yes, Justin. I think that's true. There's something about American children developing British accents. That's absolutely right. Yes, yeah.

One Wall Street Journal reporter recently tweeted, my five-year-old niece in New York City had an American accent before the pandemic. Now she has a posh English accent after spending a year at home watching Peppa Pig. So it's, yeah, a little return fire in the old culturally pig... To China, where there was the crossing of a pig with a jellyfish to produce fluorescent piglets. The mating in a bath went well,

as your male jellyfish is a master of foreplay, though he was visibly upset to find that a sow's orgasm lasts less than two seconds. Lucy. I mean, I know little of pig orgasms. I defer to my husband. I just... It would be quite interesting to know how long a sow's orgasm does last.

Well, it isn't less than two seconds. It can last for up to 90 minutes. With the right person at the helm. I mean, I think probably, ideally, it would be another pig. The miracle offspring were gifted to visiting world leaders,

which David Cameron declared was the right thing to do, even though he ended up with rather a nasty sting. Thank you, Alan. And at the end of that round, Alan, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are... ..which are that Romans used war pigs to defeat elephants

by squealing loudly, causing the elephants to panic. As a countermeasure to war pigs, enemies of Rome began raising their young elephants alongside pigs. Oh! Very clever. And then, one day, nuclear weapons. LAUGHTER The second truth is Lord Byron swaggered around social functions and would reassure his possible conquests that she would be safe with him

by approaching her with a pig's bladder condom hanging out of his pocket. Before latex, condoms were made from pigs' intestines and were often reusable, soaked in milk before use to kill any microbes. And the third truth is that in 2013, there was the crossing of a pig with a jellyfish to produce fluorescent piglets. And that means, Alan, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores.

In fourth place, with no points, we have Lou Sanders. final scores. In fourth place with no points, we have Lou Sanders. And, not to make you feel bad, Lou, but in joint first place... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

In joint first place with an unassailable two points each, it's this week's joint winners, Lucy Porter, Justin Edwards and Alan Davis. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by Jon Naismith and Graham Gardner

and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Alan Davis, Lou Sanders and Justin Edwards. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production of BBC Radio 4.