The Unbelievable Truth - 27x02 Shoes, Beer, Diets, Metal

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

27x02 17 January 2022 Pippa Evans, Geoff Norcott, Fern Brady, Simon Evans Shoes, Beer, Diets, Metal

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Please welcome David Mitchell Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth The panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies I'm David Mitchell Tonight finds us back in front of a live audience Here in the back streets of North London And how lovely it was to see such a long queue outside the theatre when I arrived

Until I realised it was for the local dealer. Please welcome Pippa Evans, Simon Evans, Geoff Norcott and Fern Brady. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Pippa Evans.

Pippa is part of the team behind the stage show Showstopper The Improvised Musical, in which a talented cast create a musical in just a matter of minutes, a technique they borrowed from Andrew Lloyd Webber. Pippa, your subject is shoes, items of footwear intended to protect and comfort the feet. Off you go, Pippa. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. According to the Arkansas League of Christian Cobblers,

Jesus wore a size 10.5 sandal in a wide fitting. The Vikings had a god of shoes called Clarks. LAUGHTER In his writings, Sigmund Freud theorised that slippers were a symbol for the female genitalia. SILENT WHISTLE Simon. I have a feeling that's correct. To be honest, everything from a cucumber to a...

..to a samquatch was someedd rhyw fath o ddiddordeb ar gyfer pwdendau femal. Ond rwy'n credu bod ganddo fficiasiwn ar slipperau. Rwy'n mynd â hynny. Rydych chi'n iawn. Ydych chi'n iawn. Iawn. Yn y cyflwyniad cyffredinol i'r sychoanalisi o 1920, y sgwrn neu'r slipper yw genitl femal. Mae'r llyfrau'n cael eu cyflwyno gan ap apples, peaches and fruits in general. Surely not bananas. He was a messed up geezer. If anyone needed to have a chat with someone. Freud's theory may also have been inspired by the medieval King Charles V of France, who explicitly banned the wearing of shoes shaped like a penis.

I mean, that is classic monarch stuff, isn't it? Where none of the courtier, they're too scared to actually call him out. You know when Zuckerberg came up with the metaverse and they went, great idea, Mark. I feel like that's what happened in the court of King Thingy the Thingy. Charles V? What, that he...

Yeah, he banned the the wearing of shoes that look like penises yeah it doesn't sound quite like the Mark Zuckerberg he said everyone in the court is wearing shoes they look like penises can you stop how did they look like penises though that's the real question well I think before we carry I should say this is true you have spotted the Mae'n debyg, mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg.

Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg.

Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg.

Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg. Mae'n debyg.iau'n ddwy o amser, a'u bod yn rhaid iddynt gael eu cymryd gan y llyfr o'r benod i'w leihau i'w llyfru. O, mab. Roedd ymddiriedaeth pobl ffoc yn y pryd yn ymwneud â'r ffot o'r pênus o'r pwyn, ac fe ddatblygwyd ffasiynau i'w ddweud y bynnw'r pwyn, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr, a'u llyfr Right. And in 1367... That does work, I can tell you, actually. In 1367, Charles V of France prohibited the wearing of poulain that were shaped like penises. Nike, or Nike, depending on your preference, recently designed shoes with inbuilt treadmills inside them. The shoe owner steps onto the little tiny conveyor belt

and their foot is fed comfortably into the shoe. Geoff? I think it's mad but plausible. You're absolutely right. Yes, in 2018, Nike applied for a patent for a shoe with a rotatable conveyor element, which is essentially a mini built-in motorised treadmill intended to help the wearer to put their shoe on more easily

by drawing the foot into the shoe. I don't find that difficult. That forward movement into the shoe. What I would like is a type of shoe where the heel bit has little doors. That's the difficult bit. Like those baths

for old people, you know, where they just open out. Exactly like that, but a shoe. Just around the back of the shoe. Just go forward into the shoe and then slam the door round the heel. Why has it not been done? I know. Just do it. Hey!

Hey! In Denver, Colorado, it is against the law to wear Ugg boots without a note from your psychiatrist. Prince Charles's valet ir llenu'i llesau, er bod ei Gwladdol yn hoffi gwneud y llenu ei hun. Yn y ffaith, nid yw'n hapus na phan mae'n bwydo'r sgwrs. Fern. Rwy'n credu ei bod yn wir bod yn llenu'i llesau ei hun. Ac mae'r llesau ei lles, that his shoelaces are ironed.

Oh, now, this is a difficult ruling for me. Oh, God! I'm going to give you the point, because it is true that his valet irons his shoelaces. Yeah. It is not true that he polishes his shoes. This is according to Diana's former butler, Paul Burrell, in the Amazon Prime documentary, Serving the Royals Inside the Firm. He says of Prince Charles, his pyjamas are pressed every morning, his shoelaces are pressed flat with an iron,

the bath plug has to be in a certain position, and the water temperature has to be just tepid. Which sounds weird. Burrell adds that Charles even has his valet squeeze one inch of toothpaste onto his toothbrush every morning. One inch? That's a lot. That is a lot. It should be a pea-shaped ball and no more.

Yeah, absolutely. A whole inch. He's got a lot of money, I reckon. Yeah, absolutely. A whole inch. He's got a lot of money, I reckon. Paris Hilton's feet are so big that shoes have to be custom-made for her. They are constructed exclusively by the Canadian company Beaver Trail, who mainly manufacture canoes.

Thank you, Pippa. And at the end of that round, Pippa, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Paris Hilton's feet are so big that shoes have to be custom-made for her. She revealed in her 2006 autobiography, Confessions of an Heiress. She says, I desperately hate one thing about my body. I have size 11 feet. Mae'n dweud, Rwy'n desbarthu un peth am fy ngad. Rwy'n gael lles 11 ffyt.

Rwy'n ddim yn... Mwy na'r Iesus. Mae'n ymwybodol bod llawer o'i dylunwyr ffynhau ddim yn gael siws yn ei lles, ac mae'n rhaid i'r cwstwm eu gwneud iddyn nhw. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Pippa, rydych chi wedi cyrraedd un pwynt. and have to custom make them for her.

And that means, Peppa, you've scored one point. King Charles II wore stilettos to his coronation, something that King Charles III would be more than happy to do if it meant he had one. David Beckham owns over 1,000 pairs of football boots, each pair personally customised with the names Left and Right. In 2014, teenager Julia Pletcher broke a Guinness World Record by running 100 metres in just 14.5 seconds

while wearing high heels, much to the frustration of the pursuing Prince Andrew. OK. We turn now to Simon Evans. You may recognise Simon as the fox from the television advertisements for Old Speckled Hen. He's the one eating a nappy out of a bin. Simon, your subject is metal, a material that is typically hard, shiny and malleable with

good electrical and thermal conductivity. Fingers on buzzers, everyone else. Off you go, Simon. Raw metal is transparent and only becomes visible in the wild due to the moisture it absorbs from the atmosphere. Iron today remains the rarest metal. It can be cultivated from seeds, secured by baited hooks flown from dirigibles at about 20,000 feet, or more commonly found in the stomachs of ruminant herbivores across the Pacific Northwest.

BELL RINGS Sorry, I just needed him to stop speaking and try and take some stuff in. LAUGHTER Seeds. Seeds? Is that what you're going with? Yeah. That iron can be cultivated from seeds?

LAUGHTER Look, it was the one word that I remembered from, like, Is that what you're going with? Yeah. That iron can be cultivated from seeds. Look, it was the one word that I remembered from, like, a tsunami of words. I'm afraid that's not true. No. But I hope it's cost you a point, but it's given you a bit of a breather. Fern. I think that it can be found in the stomachs of herbivores

because spinach and lots of green vegetables have iron in them. You're absolutely right. Although your reasoning isn't, because Simon was going to finish the sentence. They're fished out by a magnet, inserted for the purpose by bored cowboys who no longer have coffee, grits and genocide to amuse them. The truth here is that many farmers have their calves swallow a strong magnet within

the first year of life the magnet then settles in their stomach and attracts any nails staples or wire that they might ingest while grazing when the animal is slaughtered the slaughterhouse will remove the magnet along with the metallic debris and sell the massive iron and steel for scrap. This programme is really disturbing, isn't it? It's the world that's disturbing. We can only reflect it. Many older homing pigeons still rely on an iron compass needle in their beaks until they can afford to upgrade to a decent sat-nav.

Let us consider what special properties different metals have that make them well-suited to particular tasks. Plutonium's malleability and lack of aftertaste make it perfect for teething rings. Mercury's high melting point recommends it for incandescent lighting filaments. And gallium is the metal you want for a murder weapon as it will melt in your hand while you await the arrival of the old bill. Pippa. Was the mercury one a truth? I feel like that's why we're not allowed lights anymore. No, that wasn't true. What Simon said is that mercury's high melting point

recommends it for incandescent lighting filaments. Mercury, of course, has a very low melting point of minus 38.83 degrees Celsius. What will Mr Davidson think when he hears this? Perhaps the least useful of metals is steel, due to its lack of durability. A variant of brass made by adding more icing sugar to the original recipe,

steel has been virtually abandoned since the advent of cheap plant-based alternatives and is officially on the UN Endangered Metals list. Steely Dan, however, were, ironically, the world's most durable metal band, lasting up to ten times longer in festival settings and other outdoor environments than Iron Maiden, Tin Machine or the suspiciously vague Metallica.

Though not technically a metal, gold is considered metallic due to a category error made by Aristotle in the 5th century BC. HE SIGHS I just had... Just something. Gold is considered a metal? Well... LAUGHTER Yeah? I mean, it is.

Sometimes, when you don't overthink things, lovely things happen. What Simon said was, though not technically a metal, gold is considered metallic. So I wasn't wrong, I just heard a different thing. Yes. Gold is considered a metal

and rightly so. The Bank of England's gold deposits remain protected behind thick wooden doors kept locked by keys fully a yard in length and designed to look so comically like big, important keys that no-one would suspect they really are. Pippa. I think the long keys and the wooden doors, that feels like that would be true,

because that is how we see keys in our heads, but we've been taught those aren't what keys look like. But actually, that is what keys look like. So it is... It's a double bluff. It feels like a double Simon bluff. Yeah. No, you're absolutely right, that's true. Yeah. Absolutely right.

Yeah. Metal work is so absurdly easy to master and is mostly performed by bored adolescents. Consequently, routine procedures are bedevilled by a litany of suggestive jargon. This includes such terms as slippery tin oyster, full penetration butt weld and hot split iron helmet.

Geoff? Well, I could just see it was his last paragraph and I felt like we hadn't challenged him enough. So it did feel like, for me, given what I know about metal, the last one felt kind of true. Hot split iron helmet. That one is not true, I'm afraid. Sorry.

And that's the end of Simon's lecture. And at the end of that round, Simon, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that homing pigeons rely on an iron compass needle in their beaks. What? They're able to sense the Earth's magnetic field using their beaks. Their upper beak contains tiny particles ofr enw Magnetite, sy'n ffynnu fel cympas ac yn eu gallu eu gynnal trwy ddefnyddio cwmni.

Yr ydym yn ddweud yw bod gallu yn llwyddo yn eich dyn. Gallu yw metl sy'n sylweddol, sydd â pwynt llwyddo o 29.76 o gwmpas, sy'n llwyddo'n llwyddo'n llwyddo'n llwyddo, os ydych yn ei ddynio. A'r ydym yn dodd yw, o'r cyfrifon sy'n ymwneud â'r cyfrifon, y cyfrifon gwirioneddol yw penedradd llawn, ond wedi'i ddynnu. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Simon, eich bod chi wedi ganu

tri pwynt. Yn 1850, cymysgedd Prins Albert ystafell bwrdd o'r oer, i'r castell Balmoral, sydd, gan bob amgylch, wedi rhoi'rated iron ballroom for Balmoral Castle, which by all accounts gave the sound of dancing a pleasing metal ring, something Prince Albert himself was no stranger to. Next up is Fern Brady. Fern, your subject is diets, regimented eating plans

designed to improve a person's physical condition or to help them lose weight. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Fern. Dieting is a brand-new fad that could be the next big craze. I'm currently on the Radio 4 diet, which involves no-one seeing me while I try to sound thin using only my voice. Oh, I nearly floated off my seat there. I'm so slight. Scottish voice isn't femme, is it?

After observing that the fattest people lived near swamps, the 18th-century dietician Thomas Short introduced the swamp diet, whose one-step weight-loss plan simply involved moving away from swamps. Jeff. I've seen Shrek. Fat people do live near swamps. You're absolutely right. It's true. In 1727, English physician Thomas Short published a treatise

entitled Concerning the Causes and Effects of Corpulence, in which he observed that overweight people lived near swamps and to lose weight, they should move away from the swamp. Despite there being no recognised connection between weight gain and swamps, there is some evidence that living in rural areas increases your risk of obesity. You're maybe fatter if you live in a rural area,

because no-one's there to judge you. It's just the magnetic calves. They've got their own problems. At her peak, Queen Victoria was an absolute unit at over 25 stone. Although she would insist on wearing her crown when being weighed, claiming it must be at least five stone. And she would faithfully eat exactly what her doctors

advised she should eat, but on top of her normal meals. faithfully eat exactly what her doctors advised she should eat, but on top of her normal meals. The 1980s was the peak time for dieters. To reduce your calorific intake, you could buy a fork with only one prong, or you could purchase a full dinner service with plates the size of a ten-pence piece to make your tiny meals look bigger.

Simon. I think the single pronged fork sounds like a plausible piece of nonsense from the diet industry. I'm going to go with that. No, it's not been used as a diet fad. No, OK. Well, I should be launching that before Christmas. Or you could buy a pair of dieting glasses specially designed to make food look unappetising.

Simon. I think one of those devices must be true. I'm going to now go with the glasses which are designed to make food probably look blue or something. You're absolutely right. Yes. You've broken even on the paragraph. Yes,

in the early 80s, American optometrist John D. Miller launched his Vision Dieter glasses for $19.95. They had one brown lens and one blue lens, which Miller claimed caused a low-level confusion in a person's subconscious that led to a loss of appetite and thus weight loss.

In 1982, the US Food and Drug Administration seized Miller's entire stock. They destroyed all but 75 pairs, which they kept back for, quote, education concerning quackery. which they kept back for, quote, education concerning quackery. In 2015, the Slimming Club at Spring Grove Retirement Home in Kingsland lost a total of 65 stone in a year,

or, put another way, roughly half its members. Practitioners of the square food diet only eat food that is square in shape, living mostly on a diet of ravioli and after-eats. I tried it last week and I'm now eating three square meals a day. I just think the square meal thing sounds like exactly the sort of mad shit that you'd have in Crouch End in 2021. I think that's possible.

It's possible, but it's not true. No. No. That almost sounded genuinely disappointed there. At the age of 12, Donnelly McPartland was a staggering 21 stone. His worried parents put him on the 50-50 diet and now he's Ant and Dick. Which is only slightly more sensible than Dolce & Gabbana's speciality, the air diet,

where you're allowed to cook whatever food you like, but you just have to pretend to eat it. Or you could save yourself all the trouble and just pretend you're skinny. Simon. I think Dolce & Gabbana are easily fruitcake enough to do that. You're absolutely right, yes. That, on the other hand, sounded rather begrudging.

That approach. In 2010, French Grazia named the air diet, or l'air fooding, as the it way to lose weight. The basics of the 80-20 diet is the 80% of the time you make very healthy choices and the other 20% of the time you spend crying Hollywood has produced over 80% of the fad diets of recent years each driven by the peculiar eating habits of a certain film star so Ryan Reynolds Simon. I'm going with the Andy McDowell won't eat anything that has sex.

That's not true. Oh, OK. It would be particularly worrying considering most plants reproduce sexually as well. Oh, actually? Gosh. Geoff. Ryan Reynolds and anything with a face. I think a friend of mine once mentioned that.

So, yeah, that seems plausible. It's not true. Apparently it was once meatloaf's mantra, it says here. When you say recognisable face, do you mean that I know that cow? I think they mean celebrity animals, like the dog that was in Neighbours. Yes, I don't think I'd eat a celebrity animal. I mean, you know...

Yeah, not Lassie. And that's the end of Fern's lecture. And at the end of that round, Fern, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Queen Victoria would eat exactly what her doctors advised she should eat, but on top of her normal meals. Later in life, one doctor observed that the Queen

was more like a barrel than anything else. And the second truth is that Nicolas Cage only eats animals that he thinks have sex in a dignified way. I quote, I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex. I think fish are very dignified with sex, so are birds. But pigs, not so much. So I don't eat pig meat or things like that.

I eat fish and fowl. That's his system. And that means, Fern, you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Geoff Norcott. Your subject, Geoff, is beer. Beer. An alcoholic drink made from yeast-fermented malt flavoured with hops. Off you go, Geoff.

Vagina. It's the name of Greece's oldest craft lager. It was very popular, but no man ever found the elusive widget. Same. I think he's right about vagina, the beer. It was very popular, but no man ever found the elusive widget. So? I think he's right about Vagina the beer. I was trying to remember. I saw a boat once that was called the Vagina. I was trying to remember where it was, and I think it was Greece.

So I think they have that word, and they use it rather differently. You're absolutely right. Yes! Thank you. Yes, Vagina Premium Lager, spelt V-E-R-G-I-N-A, a product of the Macedonian Thrace Brewery, was first sold in 1998, but still claims to be the oldest craft beer in Greece.

The brewery also produces Vergina Red, Vergina Vice, Vergina XXX and Vergina Alcohol-Free Beer. Side note, to simulate the taste of craft beer, you can simply pour washing-up liquid into normal beer. Huffcup, Whorefather, Blunderquaff, Angel's Blood and Dragon Spittle were all common names for beer in Elizabethan England. By the Jacobean period, trends had changed and common slang for beer included

yuppity clank, truth serum and merry piss. A supermarket in Wales once mistranslated its Welsh signage for alcohol-free beer so that it appeared to offer free alcohol. Pippa. That does sound like, because there's been translation issues before, isn't there, with Welsh and English,

so I can imagine that they might have mistranslated alcohol-free for free alcohol. Mae yna brofiadau trawsleisio yn ôl, mae'n dda, gyda Gymraeg a'r Saesneg. Felly gallaf ddychmygu y gallai gael eu trawsleisio yn anghywir ar alcohol, ar alcohol ar gyfer argyfwng. Rydych yn gwbl yn iawn, maen nhw wedi'i wneud. Os ydych yn dod i'ch pyn 17 o lagr yn 24 awr, nid ydych chi'n gallu cael unrhyw fwy o drws, oherwydd mae eich cofnod yn cymryd stasis, ac rydych yn dod yn sylweddol yn ymwneud â'r hyn sy'n ei alw'n ddewr. what scientists call dead. Beer and dry roasted peanuts combine to make a... Sorry, I'll say that again. Beer and dry roasted peanuts...

I started salivating as I said it. That was part of the reason. Beer and dry roasted peanuts combine to make a compound called sodium hopcide, which is more addictive than heroin. Simon. Yes, that must be correct. No, no, I can't believe heroin is more addictive. It's certainly more addictive.

In horror films, all vampires appear slim and svelte, though in real life they all have quite a belly on them, as there are more than twice as many calories in human blood as in beer. Simon. I'm going to try and claw back that previous foolish intervention with that one. That feels right. You're absolutely right. A pint of blood contains 388 calories,

whereas a pint of bitter contains 180 calories. I don't know why they don't use more of that in their markets. Some beer trivia. In 1907, a riot broke out in San Francisco over a play in which a woman drank a glass of beer. Fern. I think that people kicked off because people have been funny about women drinking for years.

But thankfully, British people are very egalitarian. You're absolutely right. Yes. Yes, in 1907, a West Coast newspaper reported that a riot had broken out in response to a play called The Bell Of Avenue A. It read, Indignant because the woman's part in the first act called for the drinking of a glass of beer, about 40 people charged the stage

and for half an hour refused to allow the play to go on. I bet they were all hammered as well. I mean, that's the irony. You'd have to be really pissed to think that that was a fair course of action, wouldn't you? Or just moved by theatre. Can you not believe that? Men going for a pub wee often talk more words per minute than they do to their own wives. Although those words are mostly, I wasn't looking at it, honest. Thank you, Geoff.

And at the end of that round, Geoff, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Huff Cup was a common name for beer in Elizabethan England. And that means, Jeff, you've scored one point. In Mexico, Corona beer is never drunk with a slice

of lime. In fact, since about March 2020, Corona isn't drunk anywhere. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus three points, we have Geoff Norcott. In third place,

with no points, it's Pippa Evans. In second place, with one point, it's Simon Evans. And in first place, with an unassailable four points, it's this week's winner, Fern Brady! CHEERING That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

CHEERING The Unbelievable Truth is provided by Jon A. Smith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Simon Evans, Pippa Evans, Jeff Norcott and Hearn Brady. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.