The Unbelievable Truth - 27x04 Mistakes, Bicycles, Dogs, Death

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

27x04 31 January 2022 Richard Osman, Henning Wehn, Holly Walsh, Ria Lina Mistakes, Bicycles, Dogs, Death

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And welcome to listeners on BBC Sound, or as it used to be called back in Series 1, the radio.

Please welcome Richard Osman, Holly Walsh, Ria Lena and Henning Vein. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Holly Walsh.

Holly, your subject is dogs, domesticated carnivorous mammals that are commonly kept as pets or to guard or hunt. Off you go, Holly. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Dogs have been at the heart of every war that's ever taken place, from Benji the Dachshund, who led the charge of the Light Brigade, to Fufu the Miniature Poodle, who was the Air led the charge of the light Brigade to foo-foo the miniature poodle Who was the air chief marshal of the Royal Thai Air Force to Millie the Beagle who bit a visiting ambassador? Accidentally starting a 17-day war between France and Fiji

Richard Millie the Beagle was that true France Fiji warcourser. Yeah. No It was good though that wouldn't take 17 days, would it? The French would surrender well before then. Everyone knows how judgmental dogs are. Plato thought they were so good at telling when you're lying, they should sit on legal cases, hence sheepdog trials. And George RR Martin delayed publishing his final Game of Thrones book when his dog chewed up the manuscript

and he took that as a sign. Presumably a sign that the dog had seen series seven. Richard. Did the dog chew up some of the manuscript? No. I'm having a shocker. No, there's no manuscript chewing. Dogs are also incredible snobs.

They only watch black and white films because they think that makes them look intellectual and didn't really start watching TV until the invention of HD because they wanted to see the fear in the eyes of the sheep on one man and his dog. Richard. I mean, they do only watch black and white films, don't they, because they only see them black and white.

Oh, interesting. That's not true, because the films are still in colour, even if they can only see them black and white. Oh, interesting. That's not true, because the films are still in colour, even if they can only see... Yeah, but we've seen black and white films, but what happened was in colour. Listen, come on. Dogs watch black and white films. I couldn't have lost more points already. Henning has just buzzed in.

I'm with Richard on that one. Hey, there you go. The producer was saying something to me there. The producer's just done some Googling. Apparently, it's a myth that dogs only see in Black and White films. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Which makes it so much weirder that they only watch black and white films.

Stevie Wonder refuses to let his dogs into the studio as guide dogs can poo on command. So all it takes is one frustrated session musician and it's disinfectant time. Henny. Does he not have any of his guide dogs in the studio? We can find no evidence that Stevie Wonder owns any sort of dog. Although dogs do only see an ebony and ivory, I know that.

But the main problem with dogs is that they're just weird. Nobody knows why they only bark in the key of B, they poo in alignment with the Earth's magnetic field and always sleep facing either due west or due east, depending on the time of year, all three of which they have in common with Björk. Richard. Listen, at some point we're going to get one of them.

Do they bark in the key of B? No. Ria. That was the most obvious one. I was thinking that one. Yeah. Ria. Thanks, Henning. I can't remember what the third one was, so I one. I was thinking that one. Yeah. Rear. Thanks, Henning.

I can't remember what the third one was, so I'm going to go for the poo. They poo in alignment with the Earth's magnetic field? That was absolutely ridiculous. But what was the third one? They only bark in the key of B. They poo in alignment with the Earth's magnetic field and always sleep facing either due west or due east.

If you then read it out again, because you give them another chance to think. Oh, I think it's cheating if you then read it out again, because you give them another chance to think. Oh, you think it's cheating if that happens? I'm interested in your views about what's cheating. As the person who entirely decides what's cheating, I don't think that's cheating. This is the trouble.

So when you're next in court, would you say to the judge, I think it's cheating that you decide what the sentence is, and the judge will go, that's contempt of court. No, all I'll say is, this is like what a line of duty should be about, because this is when the upper echelons start to turn and make their own rules, and then what? So someone like me can't question how these things work. Higher up... Well, you've just ruined the next series of line of duty for everyone.

Although I do notice your name begins with H. That's all I'm saying. OK, I've made a decision, yes. I'm going to go poo with magnetics because I'm picturing the Earth and I'm picturing what the magnetic field looks like on the Earth and it does kind of look like a doggy poo once it's curled it out, so that's my answer.

Well, I'm not sure if that's the reason, but it is true. Oh! Dwi ddim yn siŵr os yw hynny'r rheswm, ond mae'n wir. Ar ôl gweld 70 o ddogiau o 37 arbenigedd am ddwy flwyddyn, ysgrifennwyd ymchwilwyr ei fod wedi mynd allan o'r llythyr mewn ffermydd agored yn ffwrdd â strydau gwerthfawr, fe wnaeth y ddogiau ddefnyddio'r fferm ymagnetic y Ddull i'w gydlygu eu symudau bwll a'u bladr. Dwi'n credu bod ymchwilio yna yn swydd ddwg.

Ac mae hynny'n bwysig i mi ddweud am ddogiau. their bowel and bladder movements. I mean, researching that is a shit job. And that's everything I have to say about dogs. Good boy, David. Here's a biscuit. Thank you, Holly. And at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Would have been five, but for the late entry of the poo fact. And they are that Foo Foo, the miniature poodle, Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda.

Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda.

Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda.

Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Byddai'n dda. Bydd chi'n gwybod, mae'r dyn wedi'i ddynnu fel arweinydd arweinydd, mae'n rhaid i ni gael Prins Andrew sy'n arweinydd. Y llwyth yw bod Plato'n meddwl bod y ddogs fel set o ffigurau fflicro. Does hynny ddim yn ymwneud â'r ffordd, Richard, bod yn un o'r set o ffigurau fflicro. A'r gwirionedd ydw, gallai ddogs arweinwyr argyfwngu. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Holly,

bod chi wedi cymryd 4 pwynt. Iawn, rydyn ni'n troi nawr i Henning Vane. Henning, e subject is bicycles, two wheeled vehicles that are propelled by pedals and steered using handlebars attached to the front wheel. Off you go, Henning. Contrary to what every Londoner will be telling you, bicycles weren't invented by Boris, but by his predecessor, Jesus.

LAUGHTER Sadly, a sectarian divide still remains between Catholics, LAUGHTER The sectarian divide still remains between Catholics, who believe Jesus always wore a cycling helmet, and Protestants, who say he didn't. Richard. I think Protestants probably do suspect that Jesus never wore a cycling helmet. LAUGHTER

I mean... I don't think there's a Protestant in the world who wouldn't assert that Jesus didn't wear a cycle helmet. So, yeah, I think you can have a point there, Richard. Henning. No sooner had bicycles first appeared than they had to put in a cycle lane on the road to romance. Before they were invented, the average distance between your birthplace and that of your spouse-to-be was one mile. I bet that's true. People only dated people in the vicinity. That is absolutely true.

In fact, if you read the next little bit, Henning, that's... After bikes came along, this increased to 30 miles, meaning that for the first time, people were marrying people they weren't even related to. Yes, before the invention of the bicycle, the average distance between birthplaces of spouses in England was one mile. But following the mass production of the bicycle, the distance grew to an average of 30 miles.

Cyclists also made more sensitive lovers, because male cyclists have greater erectile dysfunction and runners Rear I'm willing to believe that it's absolutely true Long distance like we stand at one in five suffer from numbness to the penis that lasted up to a week after a ride I think that means a bicycle o'r penus sydd wedi parhau i wythnos ar ôl rydyn. Rwy'n credu bod hynny'n golygu rydyn yn rhedeg. Ond mae'n nodi bod gwylioeddwyr gwlif yn gallu ceisio ddewis seit arall neu ddewis rhan o'u rydyn yn seilio.

Felly mae gennym ddiwedd go iawn. Allaf i wneud cyngor? Ydych chi'n ei ddod yn y tu allan wrth i chi'w rhoi ar eich trwsiau yn hytrach na'i gadael i fynd i lawr? Mae'n debyg bod chi'n siarad yn fawr â fi. that you just push it upwards when you put on your trousers rather than letting it go downwards? You sound like you're talking very directly to me. Why not let it lie upwards as you put on your trousers? One puts on one's shorts. Yes.

Why let it, you know, just... Holly, it does what it wants. Is that your chat-up line? There's no question. It does what it wants. Is that your chat up line? There's no division. Women and bicycles don't mix. In Britain, women cyclists are breaking a law,

passed in 1890 and still not repealed. A lot of them, when arrested, pleaded insanity to get a lighter sentence. Tapping into this market, the first must first must produce bicycle for women was called the lady psycho and was made in bedlam Richard the last bit about the lady psycho that is absolutely true the ladies psycho bicycle Featured a step through frame which meant that women didn't need to hitch their skirts up to ride it and it was the first mass-produced Bicycle for women. Well, the only female to have appeared in a Tour de France is Pamela Anderson,

stuck to the Italian cyclist Mario Cipollini's handlebars. Holly. Did Mario Cipollini have a picture of Pamela Anderson on the front of his bike? He did indeed, yes. Oh! Yes, in the hope that it would increase his testosterone levels during the race. The RAF's nuclear missiles were launched using a bicycle lock here as recently as the 1990s,

something they abandoned as Boris Johnson became more powerful. Of course, the PM is most famous for the invention of the Boris bike, which not only allowed London traffic to flow fast and freely, but thousands of them have made London's canals completely unnavigable. And that's the end of Henning's lecture. At the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel. That's not good enough.

Which is that the RAF's nuclear missiles were launched using a bicycle lock key Mae'r RAAF wedi cyflawni un gwirionedd yn ystod yr olaf o'r panel. Nid yw hynny'n ddigon dda. Yn ystod y 90au, roedd rhaid i'r RAAF ddysgu'r misailion nuclear yn defnyddio lloc cyffredinol. Nid oedd unrhyw gwerth ar y bomb ei hun. Felly, nid ydym ni'n ffodus iawn i fod yn fyw. Mae hynny'n golygu, Henning, bod chi wedi cymryd un pwynt. Yn nesaf is Ria Lina. Ria has a PhD in viral biology,

but gave it all up to become a comedian. Quite right. When would being an expert in viruses ever come in use? Ria, your subject is death, the irreversible cessation of all the vital functions that sustain a living organism. Off you go, Ria. Prisoners waiting to be executed on death row

can request manicures, hot stone massages, hair transplants or personal trainer and are given a physical exam beforehand to ensure they're healthy enough to die. Holly. I bet that's true, that you have a physical exam to see if you're well enough to die. You're absolutely right, yes.

There are over 600 official causes of death that can be written on a British death certificate. Recent entries include unexpected bananas, said he could handle fresh chillies, boredom, naughty hamster... LAUGHTER chiles, boredom, naughty hamster, and a mansplaining incident. Henny. Can you die of boredom?

That's a rather insulting question. No, I don't think so. It's not a cause of death that's been used on a death certificate. Chopin was buried with his grand piano, Steve McQueen was buried with his car,

and Kim Jong-il's coffin was filled to the brim with live lobsters. Richard. I mean, one of them, right? Yeah. Was Steve McQueen buried with his car? He isn't, no. What was the other one?

Chopin. Beginning to look a lot like Chopin. Two others, if you don't think it's cheating, I'll make that easy. The other two are Chopin with his grand piano and Kim Jong-il's coffin filled to the brim with live lobsters? Henning.

I'll have Chopin. Nope. He wasn't buried with his grand piano. He was buried, in fact, minus his heart in Paris' famous Père Lachaise Cemetery with Marcel Proust, Oscar Wilde and Jim Morrison. He decided to be buried in Paris, but his heart wasn't in it. He decided to be buried in Paris, but his heart wasn't in it.

And Kim Jong-il's coffin was filled to the brim with live lobsters. Of course, according to North Korean officials, Kim Jong-il isn't actually dead. Holly? I bet there's a rule in Korea that these people aren't dead, that they're... Just resting. Yeah. No, there isn't.

I mean, I guess he was ill for a long time. Thank God the puns are coming out of me now. I feel he should be called Kim Jong Dead now. In the US, a company sells deathbeds, which are specially designed

for those about to die. However, they no longer offer credit to purchasers as they lost over $2 million when customers died before paying in full. The company was only saved from bankruptcy when the CEO's mother-in-law died and profits shot up by 7% over the next two years, a national average according to the Wall Street Journal. In 1985, tragedy struck in North Germany when a light aircraft crashed into a graveyard. Rescuers went on to recover over 4,000 bodies. A village mayor in southwest France got around the issue of overcrowding in his local cemetery

by forbidding any resident who'd not reserved a plot from dying in the parish. Holly. Yeah. The mayor forbidding death. Yeah. You're absolutely right. Yes. The ordinance read,

all persons not having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpuronks are forbidden from dying in the parish. Adding, offenders will be severely punished. Up to 30 minutes after death, a body can exhibit signs of still enjoying the sound of a radio or television programme, which goes a long way to explain the viewing figures for GB News.

Nigel Farage banging on endlessly is enough to give anyone the shivers. There are even reports of dead people getting goosebumps. According... Richard. Yes, dead people getting goosebumps. That's absolutely right. Yes. Goose pimples are caused by a stiffening of the tiny muscles

attached to the base of our hair follicles called erector pili muscles. These muscles not only stiffen when we experience fear, but also when rigor mortis sets in after death. And they disappear if you go cycling. According to the Cremation Society of Great Britain, the most popular songs played as the coffin disappears from view include Return to Sender,

Knock on Wood, and the Caribbean party classic Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot. Henny. I was at a funeral where they played Return to Sender so that probably is one of the more popular ones. No, it's not. Well, I have been to many funerals and probably to five.

One of them that was played, so 20% of all funerals. That's quite a lot. The Cremation Society of Great Britain doesn't provide a list of favourite cremation songs. The 2019 Co-op Funeral Music Chart did not include those songs. It says that My Way by Frank Sinatra is at the top, followed by Time To Say Goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman. So you only list the top two?

If by you, you mean whoever typed out this sheet, then you're absolutely right. You know number three, don't you? Return to Sender. Well, it may be. It may be. In Massachusetts, stubborn children who failed to obey their parents could be sentenced to death, unless, of course, they apologised. This eventually led to the infamous Husband Famine of 1652,

where the fathers of young women of a marriageable age were forced to travel as far as Rhode Island just to find their daughters a match. That is, of course, only if they were willing to ask for directions. Thank you, Ria. And at the end of that round, Ria, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are, and this was very cunningly smuggled in,

according to a report in the Wall Street Journal, if a CEO suffers the loss of a spouse, company profits will fall by an average of 15%. If the death is a family member, os yw'r CEO yn golygu'r colli o'i ffermwr, bydd y cyfrifion y cwmpani yn cwmpio ar gyfer 15% os yw'r diwethaf yn aelod teulu, bydd y cwmpio yn cyflawni ar 9% ond yn ystod y diwethaf o'r mab, bydd y cyfrifion y cwmpani ar gyfer ar gyfer yn gyflym ar 7% Dydw i ddim yn gwybod a oedd y astudiaeth hwnnw wedi'i wneud gan y bobl sy'n symud o gwylio pwyd o ddogs that study was done by the people moving on from watching dogs poo. The second truth is that in 1646 the General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony passed a law where stubborn children who failed to obey their parents could be

sentenced to death, though the legislature eventually dropped the death penalty and broadened the law to include daughters. And that means, Ria, you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Richard Osman. Richard is a best-selling author. In fact, if you stacked all of the copies of his book, one on top of the other, it would look almost exactly like the window of my local charity shop. Your subject, Richard, is mistakes.

Acts or judgements that are misguided or wrong. Off you go, Richard. They say that countries, of course, never make mistakes, but here are a few country mix-ups for you. But here are a few... Holly. He definitely made a mistake in that sentence. Here are a few country mix-ups for you. A Chinese tourist hoping to visit the pyramids and Tutankhamun's tomb

was very disappointed when, after disembarking from a long sea voyage, he was told the Faroe Islands weren't what he thought they were. Ria. The Faroe Islands story. The number of times you hear about a Chinese tourist misunderstanding something. Not true. Really? of times you hear about a Chinese tourist misunderstanding something. Not true. Really? So they've checked every single Chinese tourist

that went to the Faroe Islands and they definitely all wanted to be there. Yes, I did. You did. Firstly, I went to the Faroe Islands. That wasn't too long. Then I had to go to China to do the whole of China. It was interviewing all of the Chinese holidaymakers

about their specific experiences that really took the time. Yeah, oh, man, it really did. But there's a BBC Four documentary about it. Win-win. Win-win. Was the first guy I talked to. Long pause while everyone considered it. I was really judging whether that would be racist or not.

I thought, yeah, I'll just have a sign of not saying it. Ria. That joke was a mistake. The government of Swaziland once accidentally opened a consulate in Iceland, thinking they were opening one in Ireland. In fact, they ended up changing the name of their entire country because people kept getting Swaziland mixed up with Switzerland. Harley.

I bet you there is some mix-up between Switzerland and Swaziland. You're correct. Yes. In 2018, King Muswati III of Swaziland changed the name of the country to a Swatini Saying whenever we go abroad people refer to us as Switzerland, but win-win when he got there was furious Talking of spelling the most mistakenly spelled word in the English language is necessarily Henny yeah, that's the most misspelled Word in the English language is necessarily... Hennie. Yeah, that's the most misspelled word in the English language. It isn't, I'm afraid.

The most commonly misspelled word in Britain, according to a 2020 poll of 2,000 people, is separate, followed by questionnaire, potato, diarrhoea and definitely. You can bet there's so many people at home doing a spelling test now and if anyone at home's got diarrhoea, congratulations. Isn't that spelled differently, though, if you're in the US or the UK? Or often in general, I think. There seem to me to be enough R's, H's, O's and general other

sprinkling of vowels in a way that is disgustingly reminiscent of the condition itself From sprinkling of vowels to sprinkling about You auditioning for the one show. Oh, no. The number two show, actually. The US Postal Service once had to pulp an entire stamp run because they had spelled America incorrectly. It's believable, isn't it?

And also they've been trying to spell US. It's believablevable but not true. Is it not true? Not true. And they also had to pay out $3.5 million because one of their stamps was just too sexy. Yes, sexy stamp. You're going for the sexy stamp? I'm going for sexy stamp. You'll break even on this whole stamp section,

lose a point for America being misspelt, gain a point if this is true, is it true, drumroll. I want it to be, just because too many people were licking them. Oh, they thought it's a doing a job It is true In 2010 the US Postal Service printed a special stamp featuring a close-up of the Statue of Liberty's face from a stock photo o'r ffosg o'r ffosg o'r Statu o Lywodraeth. Yn unig ar ôl bod 3.5 miliwn o ffosg wedi'u llynu, ddododd ei fod y llun yn ddewis yn lleol o'r Statu o Lywodraeth Newydd,

ond o'r replica sydd ar gael ar y llawr a'r casino yng Nghymru. Roedd sgwltwr replica, Robert S. Davidson, wedi cyflawni llawrdiant o ddifrifio cyfraith yn y Szerffaeth Postol Cymru, yn credu bod ei fersiwn ddim yn replica yn unig, filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the US Postal Service, arguing that his version was not an exact replica, but, quote, far sexier than the original. The judge agreed, and he was awarded more than $3.5 million in royalties. In stamps. Richard.

And finally, a German banker once accidentally transferred the sum of €222,222.22 into a customer's account after falling asleep with his finger on the two button. Carly. I mean, that's too good. It's true, yes. From twos to tattoos now. Robbie Williams wanted Endure tattooed on his wrist in a Chinese script, but due to a translation error, now has a tattoo which actually reads Donkey Bucket. Dennis LaRue, a US tattooist, was once asked to tattoo Satan's Slaves

on the breasts of three members of an all-girl chapter of the Hell's Angels, but accidentally tattooed them as Stan Slaves instead. Naval rating Leo Johnson recently visited a Portsmouth tattoo parlour to ask for a tattoo of a massive anchor, but, due to a mishearing... ..now has a huge picture of Piers Morgan on his chest. Ria. Robbie Williams.

Robbie Williams, wanted in duo, ended up with Donkey Bucket. No. Oh, it's the other one, isn't it? Was it the Hells Angels? Are you going to... Ria buzzed. Was it Hells Angels? It was.

Yes. Nobody makes more mistakes than inventors. In fact, everything in your kitchen was invented by accident. The whistle on a kettle, the mixer tap. for those of you listening in Chiswick, the hummus dryer, the microwave oven and the Omni bag. What's an Omni bag? The Omni bag is of course the one plastic bag in which all the other plastic bags are stuffed into. Ria. The microwave. Correct. It's a mistake. An accident.

Yes, the microwave was invented by accident in 1945 when American engineer Percy Spencer was standing next to an active magnetron and noticed it had melted the chocolate bar in his pocket. And that's the end of Richard's lecture. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus eight points... LAUGHTER ..it's Henning Weyne. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place, with minus four points, it's Henning Weyne. In third place, with minus four points, it's Richard Osman. In second place, with zero points, it's Rialina.

And in first place, with an unassailable seven points, it's this week's winner, Holly Walsh. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Hensworth and Graham Garvin and featured David Mitchell in the chair, three panellists, Holly Walsh, Richard Osman, Priya Leena and Henning Veig. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer will be back at the same time next week.