The Unbelievable Truth - 27x05 Cars, Coca-Cola, Donkeys, Tomatoes

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

27x05 7 February 2022 Pippa Evans, Geoff Norcott, Fern Brady, Simon Evans Cars, Coca-Cola, Donkeys, Tomatoes

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth truth the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies I'm David Mitchell as the Reverend Sun Myung Moon once said if you tell a lie to make a person better Then that is not a sin and I'm delighted to say that I'm joined by literally the four funniest comedians in the world to say that I'm joined by literally the four funniest comedians in the world. Please welcome Pippa Evans, Simon Evans, Jeff Norcott and Fern Brady. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture

that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths, which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Pippa Evans. Pippa is part of the team behind the stage show Showstopper, the improvised musical. Just using audience suggestions, the talented cast can instantly create something every bit as tedious as a genuine musical. Pippa, your subject is cars. Motorized road vehicles, typically yn creu rhywbeth mor anoddach na ddyniaethol.

Pippa, dyma'ch pwnc. Cyfartiau. Cyfartiau ar y rydyn ni, yn aml gyda chyfartiau a chyfartiau ar gyfer nifer o ffyrdd. Dyma chi, Pippa. Ffingurau ar y buas. Roedd y gair yn dweud char o'r gair chariat.

Ond fe wnaeth yna broblemau pan ddechreuodd y motorwyr ddod â phhrases fel ,,Dwi'n dweud, does y new, doesn't the new char go like the clappers? Which led to a rapid turnover of cleaning ladies. Simon. I'm sorry to come in quite so early. It seems almost rude, but I think that's correct, isn't it? The car is short for chariot?

Well, interesting. It has the same derivation as a translation of the word chariot, but it doesn't come from the word char, which comes from the word chariot. So, you lose a point. In 1879, Gottlieb Mercedes approached Gustav Benz with a view to developing a petrol-driven dishwasher. The cumbersome result of their research never achieved popularity until Benz's wife, Daimler, suggested they stuck wheels on it,

and the rest is history. Uriah Smith, a Seventh-day Adventist preacher in Battle Creek, Michigan, devised the Horsey Horseless Carriage, which was a car with a wooden horse's head and neck attached. Sadly, on its maiden drive, the Horsey Horseless driver lost control when the accelerator lever snapped off and the car bolted. Geoff? Did they let British people vote on the name?

Because that does have a boat... A strong Boaty McBoatface vibe to it, doesn't it? Was it Horsey McCarbody or something? The Horsey Horseless Carriage. Yeah, absolutely true. It is true. Yes. The idea was to create a car that wouldn't scare horses off the road.

The horse head was hollow to hold fuel. It was on Time magazine's list of worst ever cars. In the 1990s, the best-selling car in the world was the Little Tikes Cosy Coupé. Outselling the Honda Accord and Ford Taurus, the Cosy was hugely popular with motorists for its low petrol consumption and the resulting exemption from VAT. Before leaving the production line,

all cars are specifically graded according to which ones are the most likely to have future mechanical problems. Cars that are most likely to break down are painted blue. Blue cars are even more likely to suffer failures if the driver is a Capricorn. Simon. Is there some sort of strange statistical quirk which does suggest that blue cars break down more often?

You're absolutely right. That is the hidden truth. Yes, this is according to data collected by the RAC. The most at-risk driver in the UK is born under a Libra star sign, lives in Croydon and drives a blue car. Least likely to break down are Pisceans. So that's a section of the RAC whose funding could be saved. Pippa.

In Spain, the exclusive Club del Asiento Tresero is only open to people who were conceived in the back seat of a car. The sophisticated robotic bottom used by the Ford Motor Company to test its car seats for wear and tear is called the robot and comes equipped with sweat glands in order to mimic the behaviour of a driver who is driving naked on a hot day. Simon.

Well, I think that's probably true. That sounds like engineer's humour to me. The robot. Well, you're right, the robot exists. CHEERING The device is heated to 36 degrees, soaked in 450ml of water and bounces and twists in the seat 7,500 times

to simulate 10 years of use over a three-day testing period. Presumably then the car is ready to be sold. In Moscow, carjacking is so rife that car owners are permitted to fit blades to the sides of their vehicles which sweep out if anyone tries to force open the doors. In Sweden, a similar device sprays the attackers with indelible red dye, while in South Africa, residents can legally attach small flamethrowers to the side of their cars to incinerate would-be carjackers.

Fern. Is the South African one true? Because they're well into violence. You're absolutely right. The South African is true. Which is cheekily well spotted, because to me that sounded like the comic exaggeration of the other more plausible ones.

This is a device called the Blaster. It squirts liquefied gas from a bottle in the boot through two nozzles located under the front doors. The gas is then ignited by an electric spark launching flames at face height a distance of five metres from both sides of the car. When asked about the concern

that the flamethrower might lead to deaths, its inventor, Charles Furey, said, My personal feeling is that it would never kill a person, but it would definitely blind them. is that it would never kill a person, but it would definitely blind them. The thing is, I remember the number of times when my wife is driving and I'm trying to get in the car,

but it's locked and she can't find what button unlocks all the doors. And you would not want one of those... Oh, I mean, maybe she would, I don't know. But you would not want one of those buttons to be a flamethrower, you know? Like, you know when you have your 12,000 miles service and they say, a couple of notes, mate, the brake pads need replacing and also your flamethrowers are really low, I don't... I know it's rough out there, but you probably want to get them topped up.

Thank you, Pippa. And at the end of that round, Pippa, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that in the 1990s, the best-selling car in the world was the Little Tikes Cosy Coupe. The familiar red and yellow toy Cosy Coupe for toddlers is one of the best-selling cars of all time. And as of 2009, it has sold over 10 million units.

But obviously, they are much cheaper than a car. And that means, Pippa, you've scored one point. In Nazi Germany, Adolf Hitler insisted his Mercedes-Benz cars were so heavily armoured that they could do only three miles to the gallon, one of the highest carbon footprints of any automobile. The more I hear about that man, the less I like him. One 1930s motoring innovation was the dog sack, a canvas sack that was attached to the outside of the car, which you could pop your dogs into. And when you reached the canal,

all you had to do was pop an extra brick in the sack. When you reached the canal, all you had to do was pop an extra brick in the sack. OK, we turn now to Simon Evans. Simon hosts a topical discussion show on GB News, where each night a large, politically balanced audience would be most welcome. Simon, your subject is tomatoes. Soft, usually red fruit that are eaten, cooked or or uncooked as vegetables, particularly in salads and sauces. Fingers on buzzers everyone else, off you go Simon. Forming as bubbles on the surface of the naturally occurring ketchup marshes

which emerge from deep underground reserves throughout Central America, tomatoes are, contrary to popular opinion, neither a fruit nor a vegetable. They are in fact a social construct. Like guinea pigs. And like guinea pigs were generally found in various shades of brown and beige until the meteor strike that wiped out the dinosaurs turned them red, presumably with the sheer cringe factor

of the whole thing. Geoff, I think once upon a time they might have been a very different colour to what they are now. Maybe they were shit brown once upon a time. They have come in other colours, but they don't come as brown or beige. So

no point there, I'm afraid. Known to the ancient Greeks as both the Grapes of Wrath and the Bollocks of Mars, to the Vikings as Thor's Hemorrhoids Mars, to the Vikings as Thor's haemorrhoids and to the Europeans as Wolf's Peach. The tomato was brought back to Spain by the largely peaceful fact-finding mission

conducted by Hernando Cortes and his merry band of men on behalf of the Spanish Tourist Board. I mean, there's got to be a truth somewhere in that. I mean, obviously I'm going to lose dramatically in this episode, so I'll take one for the team. I think, what was the wolf's one again? Wolf's peach, yeah, that felt like... Wolf's peach feels plausible.

You're absolutely right. That felt like a most improved student round of applause. Bless him, bless him. No, the scientific name for the tomato is Lycopersicon, Roedd hynny'n teimlo fel un o'r rhain o'r rhain o'r plwm mwyaf gweithredol. Gwerthfawrogi, gwirthfawrogi. Mae'r enw gwyddonol ar gyfer y tomatw yn Lycopersicon, sy'n ei hysgrifennu fel ysbyt y llwyf, ac fe wnaeth ei roi i'r tomatw yn 1753 gan Carl Linnaeus, efallai oherwydd ymwneud â'i ddiddordeb.

Roeddwn i'n meddwl ei fod yn ymwneud â'i fod yn edrych fel blwyd, fel yn llwyddo i lawr y llwyf ar ôl ei fod wedi'i ffeistio ar carcas. Mmm. was to do with it looking like blood dripping down the mouth of the wolf after it's feasted on a carcass. Well, no, it wasn't. Indeed, the first half dozen galleons to return to Spain with souvenirs from this trip were largely stocked with tomatoes, the gold bullion, which ended up grabbing all the headlines, only having been included initially as packaging to stop the squishy things going off.

Finding the scarlet spheroids, surrounded by golden jewellery and precious gems, the half-witted Spanish monarchy concluded that they too must be intended for ornamental purposes, and for hundreds of years they were grown purely for decorative use, like peacock feet and lettuce. FURN. The thing about the royals seems plausible

because they're often genetically not very intelligent. LAUGHTER I have to say, the Spanish royal family entirely died out due to interbreeding. I mean, the last Habsburg king of Spain was, let's say, a deeply troubled organism. He couldn't even bite a tomato. The attempts they made, he was supposed to try and father an heir,

and that was really not on. He just pointed and grunted at the tomatoes in the crate excitedly. Basically, yes, that's what he would do, and the courtiers would say, go on, give your sister a kiss. You know, anyway. Didn't work out but in this case the Spanish monarchy were not responsible for tomatoes not being used I'm afraid Jeff there was something right at the beginning of that about the mistaking what had the true value that they Sent home the tomatoes and just used the gold to pack the tomatoes

that they sent home the tomatoes and just used the gold to pack the tomatoes. I mean, you say it like that. Yeah. But I thought, look, I might have to... Something different from that bit? I think by the time of the Spanish conquest of the Americas, they were keen enough on gold already. Oh, you try having a cheese and gold sandwich, mate.

It's too yellowy. Today, tomatoes are chiefly enjoyed as a lubricant, an unreliable ranking system used to draw attention to the agenda-driven bologna published by professional theatre critics, and also an effective hair dye and conditioner. They are also, of course, the principal ingredient in that popular hangover cure, vodka. People who want to project the sophistication of drinking a cocktail,

meanwhile, but who only want a soft drink, such as a child might have, have a range of options, such as growing the hell up or ordering an innocent Mary, or, as the Australians call it a bloody shame In 1987 Donald McGregor of Dermot, Wisconsin tried to patent waterproof bread which would prevent tomato sandwiches from going soggy It would be convenient He's near the end. I would take an absolute punt on waterproof bread.

I'm afraid not. No, no, no. I feel like buttons. And that's the end of Simon's lecture. At the end of that round, Simon, you have managed to smuggle four truths past the rest of the panel. Oh, my God.

The first truth is that the meteor strike that wiped out the dinosaurs turned tomatoes red. No, it's weird, isn't it? Say that again. The meteor strike that wiped out the dinosaurs turned... It's quite simple. Before, when there were dinosaurs, the tomatoes weren't red. And then, bang, no dinosaurs, red tomatoes.

How can they possibly know that? I don't want to be anti-science, but that sounds like bollocks. That really... A tomato genome analysis published in the magazine Nature has linked the tomato's distinctive red colour to the very same meteor strike that wiped out the dinosaurs over 60 million years ago. Mae'r syniad genome tomato wedi'i gyflawni â'r ffordd ryd-gwlad sy'n gwneud y tomato wedi'i ddysgu i'r un strych meteol sy'n llwyddo'r dinosaureau dros 60 miliwn o flynyddoedd. Mae ymchwilwyr yn credu bod y digwyddiad ymdrinol wedi'i gwneud i'r plant i fyny i ffwrdd byw a, yn ymateb, wedi'i gynyddu mewn cyngor a chyflawni genomes arall, gan gynnwys set o genoedd a wnaeth yn ymwneud â'r ffrwyth bryd-gwyd. turned the fruit bright red. Sorry, you had some sort of conscious reaction. A tomato had a fight-or-flight response to an extinction-level event.

It went, oh, shit, we need to evolve or we die, people. Your scepticism is well placed, and I, too, don't believe that the leaves will grow back in the spring. The second truth is that for hundreds of years, tomatoes were grown purely for decorative use, Yn ystod y ddiwedd, roedd y tomatwyr wedi'u gwneud yn ystod y ddiweddau, ac roedd hynny ddim yn wneud yn dda i'r monachiaid Sbaenig. Yn ystod y ddiwedd 1700, gafodd y ffrwt y enw Poison Apple, gan ddilyn ambell unrhyw gyfnod o bobl sy'n syrnu a'u di-u, ar ôl eu bwydo. Ond roedd y canlyniad gwirioneddol o'r di-u yw poisoniwch. Roedd yw'r Eurwyr Gwerthfeydd wedi dynnu ar ddynion Pwta, sydd ganddynt cynnwys hwyd o hwyd, ac oherwydd y cynydd hwyd y tomatwyr, pan oeddent yn cael eu gwasgu ar Pwta, roedd yna gyfoetholwyr Ewropeaidd yn dynnu ar ddwylau pewter sydd â chynnydd led

uchel, ac oherwydd y cynydd o acid tomatwyr, pan fyddai'n cael eu gwasgu ar pewter, byddai'n leichled led o'r ddwylau, gan ddynnu poisio led. Y llwyth yw y byddai'r Australïwyr yn ei alw fel mary'n ddwylo, a'r llwyth yw y ffordd yw yw ketchup hefyd yn gyfnod effeithiol. Mae'n cael ei ddod i ymgymryd â llyth o'r llyth o'r llyth. And the fourth truth is that ketchup is also an effective conditioner. It's said to add a glossy sheen to tired, dry strands. That means, Simon, you've scored four points. In the late 18th century, tomato ketchup was used as a cure for diarrhoea, or as it was known then, brown sauce. Next up is Fern Brady.

Fern has a degree in Arabic and Islamic history. Not sure she'll be getting a gig at Yorkshire Cricket Club any time soon. LAUGHTER Fern, your subject is the donkey, or ass, a domesticated animal related to the horse, which has long ears and a loud braying call. Off you go, Fern. A donkey was originally called a donkey to rhyme with monkey,

whereas a monkey was called a monkey because it looks a bit like a monk. A donkey. Male donkeys are called Mr, Sir, Your Highness, Simon Evans or Big Chap. The donkey S is called Missy, Tinker, Polly and Jenny or Mrs Robinson. Geoff. I feel like the thing about how you address a donkey, The donkey S is called Missy, Tinker, Polly and Jenny or Mrs Robinson. Jeff.

I feel like the thing about how you address a donkey, now it sounds like bollocks, but you have to... What was the first one? Was it Mr or something like that? Yeah. Mr, yeah. Mr. You call a... No. Should I have a go at one?

Go on, Tony. I think Jenny. You're absolutely right. Yes! Jenny. A female donkey is known as either a Donkey S or a Jenny. Despite their legendary ability to climb, donkeys can't look up, making them completely useless at Googling stuff.

In 2006, a wildlife park near Bolton was fined following allegations that it was exhibiting donkeys disguised as zebras. Pippa. I believe that to be true. I believe I read that in a paper. Do you? It may have happened, but it didn't happen to a donkey in a wildlife park near Bolton in 2006.

I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry to disappoint so many of you. Despite all the crazy stories you might have heard at Christmastime, donkeys were actually banned from Bethlehem in the time of Christ, which is why, if you look in the Bible, you'll find a talking donkey telling Joseph, sorry, mate, can't take yourself off the Jordan.

Jeff. Sorry, mate, can't take you south of the Jordan. Geoff. Geoff's buzzing in to rate my terrible English accent. That was a good Cockney accent. I think that donkeys being banned from Bethlehem feels vaguely plausible. There was a lot of banning back then, you know, but no, they didn't ban that. Over the Christmas holidays in Bethlehem,

there's now a special Uber app for donkeys. They'll be careful when reviewing it. In 2019, the app completely crashed after a customer gave it one star and all the other donkeys started following it. Donkey Cheese is the least expensive cheese in the world, probably because of its marketing slogan, Donkey cheese, it's cheese, but from a donkey.

LAUGHTER Despite that, it's a particular favourite with the tennis player Novak Djokovic, who buys large amounts for his restaurants. Simon. It wouldn't surprise me that somebody... I mean, his hair sticks straight up as if he's eating something weird. So what you're saying is true is that...

Djokovic likes donkey cheese. He buys large amounts. Fresh from the rim. That's what I'm saying. Yes, he's a donkey cheese lover, if ever I've seen one. It's absolutely true. Yes! In 2012, Novak Djokovic was reported to have bought up

the entire annual global supply of... Amounting to one cheese. ..of something called Pjul, which is a rare and expensive Serbian cheese made from donkey milk, which sells for $500 a pound. Donkeys have provided the inspiration for some of our most popular songs, from Little Donkey by the Andrews Sisters to Groove Armadas, I See You Baby, Shakin' That Ass.

Top donkey movies at the box office include Donkey Hoti, Kick-Ass, Mule of Rock and Fifty Shades of Bray. There's the 1976 Disney film Gus about a Yugoslavian mule who moves to the US to become an American football player. But my absolute favourite is the 2017 Turkish rom-com Donkeys in Love, which is precisely as sexy as it sounds thank you fern

and at the end of that round fern you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel which are that a donkey was originally called a donkey to rhyme with monkey. The second truth is that if you look in the Bible, you'll find a talking donkey. It appears in the book of Numbers, chapter 2, verses 28 to 30. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee that thou hast smitten me these three times? Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast hast written ever since I was thine unto this day was I ever wont to do so unto thee and he said nay

and the third truth is that there is a 1976 Disney film called Gus about a Yugoslavian mule who moves to the US to become an American football player And that means Fern you scored three points It's now the turn of Jeff Norcott Jeff like Simon is a self-styled right-wing comedian Which means we've used up the entire BBC panel show quota for the next five years and used up the entire BBC panel show quota for the next five years. Your subject, Geoff, is Coca-Cola, a carbonated soft drink flavoured with coca leaves, cola nuts and caramel. Off you go, Geoff.

In 1987, 76% of Brits believed you could lose weight if a full English breakfast was consumed with a Diet Coke, which is ridiculous. Any idiot knows that for that to work, it needs to be a Coke Zero. Olympic swimming sensation Adam Peaty drinks two cans of Diet Coke, which is ridiculous. Any idiot knows that for that to work it needs to be a Coke Zero. Olympic swimming sensation Adam Peaty drinks two cans of Diet Coke before each race to improve his buoyancy, as he knows that a can of Coke will sink in water, whereas a can of Diet Coke will float. And additionally, if you put a mento into a Diet Coke, you're almost certainly a science teacher that's run out of ideas.

Simon. I can't think what would be the mechanism, but the different buoyances of the different Cokes. Sounds plausible. You're absolutely right. That's true. Though cans of regular and diet Coke are exactly the same volume, 12 fluid ounces,

regular Coke has a higher density because it has 32 grams of sugar dissolved in it, while diet Coke contains far fewer grams of the sweetener aspartame. Thus, a can of regular Coke will sink in water, while a can of Diet Coke will float. Everyone's looking forward to their next bath time now, aren't they? Coca-Cola launched a new bottled water in the UK to much ridicule as their advertisements referred to it as bottled spunk.

Though it did give them the idea for the now famous slogan, holidays are coming. Fern. I think the bottled spunk thing is true. You're right. Yes, in 1999, Coca-Cola launched a bottled water called Dasani with the advertising slogan, Bottled Spunk. The strap line worked in the US, where spunk means bravery and daring,

but flopped in the UK. For me, it's never Christmas till I see that Coca-Cola advert, which is why I stopped watching television from November to January. Pippa? I feel like that might be true, Geoff. You don't feel like it's Christmas until you see that advert. Mainly because the lady in the audience went, yeah.

No, no, that isn't true. I'm afraid you don't get a point. Holidays are coming. Holidays are coming. always Coca-Cola. It's always... All right, give her a point, it's true now. I should point out for balance that other liquids in which a tooth will dissolve overnight...

..are available. In the US, 12% of Coca-Cola is consumed with or for breakfast, although, to be honest, next to the maple syrup, bacon and pancakes, Coke is basically a kale smoothie. The phrase full fat Coke came into being not because of sugar content, but because we started to realise people who drank a lot of it got fully fat.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump would press a button on his desk when he wanted the White House butler to bring him a Diet Coke. Simon. Definitely true. It is true. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, Donald Trump had a special wooden box on his desk in the Oval Office which contained a single

red button which he would press to order a glass of Diet Coke brought to him by a white house butler it appears from new photos that joe biden has since had the button removed trump also had a blue button for when he wanted to bomb iran or have a pepsi he could never remember quite which men who have regular sex enjoy the smell of coke more than ones who don't probably the same way that men who have regular sex enjoy the smell of coke more than ones who don't. Probably the same way that men who have regular sex enjoy the smell of most things, because they're not permanently on edge.

Or to put it another way, I hate the smell of coke. Thank you. Thank you, Geoff. And at the end of that round, Geoff, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. And at the end of that round, Jeff, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. The first one is that in the US, 12% of Coca-Cola is consumed with or for breakfast. And the second truth is that men who have regular sex enjoy the smell of Coke more than men who don't. In 1995, Chicago neurologist Dr. Alan Hirsch conducted research to determine the effect of different smells on male arousal.

The research team found that men who had the most active sex lives responded most strongly to the smell of Coca-Cola, licorice, doughnuts and lavender. A combination of Coca-Cola and licorice produced a 13% increase in arousal. Anyway... LAUGHTER 13% increase in arousal. Anyway. And that means, Jeff, you've scored two points. Coca leaves are still used in Coca-Cola.

A company in New Jersey extracts the cocaine from the leaves before shipping the remainder to Coke. Then they party. shipping the remainder to Coke. Then they party. In 2015, it was revealed that British MPs drunk a staggering half a million cans and bottles of Coca-Cola. I just can't get enough Coke, said Michael Gove. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points,

we have Jeff Norcott in third place with minus one point it's Pippa Evans in second place with three points it's Fern Brady and in first place with an unassailable nine points... Ooh! ..it's this week's winner, Simon Evans! That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Simon Evans, Pippa Evans, Jeff Norquot and Fern Brady. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Squash Thank you.