The Unbelievable Truth - 29x01 Horses, Cleaning, Airports, New Zealand

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

29x01 29 May 2023[37] Alan Davies, Holly Walsh, Angela Barnes, Henning Wehn Horses, Cleaning, Airports, New Zealand

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. And today we're back after a gap of almost a year, or to use a more up-to-date form of measurement, three prime ministers and a moniker girl.

Please welcome Henning Vein, Angela Barnes, Holly Walsh and Alan Davis. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponents should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed,

while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Henning Vein. Henning is from Germany, but he's lived here so long he's now as British as apple strudel. Henning is a regular on the show and rarely misses a series. In fact, it's a measure of just how keen he is to take part that when we came into the studio this morning,

we found a towel on his chair Henning your subject is cleaning the activity of removing unwanted substances such as dirt or other impurities from an object or Environment off you go Henning fingers on buzzers the rest of you Jesus tried to make his disciples clean up after themselves But it didn't work because all of them were married men. They had wives, but that's the Iron Age Middle East for you. There's no point having a locust and chirping yourself, as they used to say. Women carried on doing all the housework until Roman times,

which first involved a visit to the supermarket for a bottle of urine for cleaning. Angela. Did they use urine for cleaning in Roman times? Do you know? They did. Well done. APPLAUSE This fact of Henning's, he hadn't actually quite finished.

Can you read the next bit? Yeah, you want to look out for Portuguese urine because Portuguese urine was considered the best, particularly for cleaning your teeth. Yes, you're right, Angela. Urine was used for cleaning in Roman times, including brushing people's teeth. And the most expensive to buy was Portuguese urine,

as it was believed to be the strongest. And obviously it did actually work because urine contains ammonia, which is used in many household cleaners today. It was used as an active component in toothpastes and mouthwashes into the 18th century. They have toothpaste in the 18th century? Well, it was piss. LAUGHTER

Well, after thousands of years cleaning things, women started to get a bit miffed. So as a special birthday treat, a man invented a vacuum cleaner for all womenfolk. The first vacuum cleaner was so large that it had to be pulled along by a horse. That's true. I've seen a picture of it. It was an enormous thing that had pulled up outside your house

and then they took a tube through and sucked it out into a big tank on a cart. Everyone knew you were clean. You're absolutely right. Yes. Yeah, it had to be pulled along by a horse and six people were needed to operate it. Yeah, and that device was called the hoofer.

LAUGHTER Six people were needed to operate it. Yeah, and that device was called the hoofer. LAUGHTER Which later was mispronounced. Even today, most energy A-rated vacuum cleaners produce manure. One that doesn't is called the variable shofer. Which vacuums as you walk. Holly. Is the shofer a real thing? Because if not, I'm trademarking it now.

It already exists, I'm afraid, Holly. No, it's true. It is true, Holly. Basically, the truth is that in 2006, Electrolux created the Dustmate, nicknamed the shoever, a pair of vacuum shoes designed to suck up dust as you walk. Electrolux said... It sounds like Electrolux is a person. Electrolux said, as you walk, the base of the shoes collect dust on the floor without requiring any effort.

Really, you want your hooves to be able to go flat to get under the bed or the sofa. So you'd have to dislocate your ankle. And then someone would have to move you back and forth. Like you screamed in agony. Why not hoover gloves, David, or a hoover hat? And then you could get right up around the lampshade. You could get your head right in the lampshade there, couldn't you? What is it, a hoover suit?

A hoover suit! You sucked in everything around you. You created a vacuum. I know what you're going to call it, a sucksie-do. Oh! There's always been a fine line between cleaning and wanton destruction. Even the French have been known to clean too much. In 1992, six members of a Christian youth group cleaned graffiti from the walls of a tourist attraction in southern

France only to be told that they had erased a 15,000 year old cave painting of a bison. Angela. Did a youth group clean a cave painting? They did! Yes. Yes, in 1992, six members of Éclaireurs de France, a Christian youth group, laboured for two hours with steel scrubbing brushes cleaning graffiti off the walls of the Grotte de

Mayfriere, a tourist attraction in southern France. God, your accent's amazing, David. Thank you. They were later told that they'd erased a 15,000-year-old cave painting. And the children, they were naturally horrified, one going as far as to shrug his shoulders... LAUGHTER

..and say, Another cleaning catastrophe occurred at Oxford University when someone scrawled, Happy International Women's Day on the staircase and the university sent a female cleaner to scrub it off. Angela. On the International Women's Day, did they send a female cleaner to clean the graffiti?

I vaguely remember that happening, yeah. They did, yes. Yeah, yeah. You're Oxford Uni, aren't you, David? No. No, I'm not. I'm not Electrolux either. Imagine if that laugh was the last thing you ever heard.

You know, I've long suspected it will be. Thank you, Henning. So, Henning, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel, which means you've scored no points. I'm sorry. OK, we turn now to Angela Barnes. Angela, your subject is airports,

places where aircraft can take off and land. Off you go, Angela. I find the best way of getting to, say, Birmingham or Manchester airports is in a Cessna, because it's cheaper to park a light aircraft there than your car. Henning, now, I don't quite believe it, but is it true that it's cheaper to park a Cessna there? Yes, it is.

At Gloucestershire Airport, bosses concerned about birds found the best way to get rid of the birds was to blast Tina Turner songs at them, specifically, What's Dove Got To Do With it and we don't need another heron. Holly. I believe the Tina Turner thing. You're right. To scare away birds, Gloucestershire Airport in Staverton played Tina Turner songs from

a loudspeaker mounted on a van driven up and down the runway. Tina Turner songs from a loudspeaker mounted on a van driven up and down the runway. It's something vaguely comic about a van going up and down. I'm the guy that drives the Tina Turner machine. Do you know what I think they need to try? More aeroplanes. I think that the birds who have short memories forget that it's an airport because of the huge gaps between any arriving aircraft. Maybe there doesn't need to be an airport in Staverton at all.

It's all wrong, Gloucestershire. Airports... Shires don't have airports. It's like Gloucestershire football team. Shires have cricket teams, cities have football teams and airports. That's the system. Angela. There have been recent reports of invisible aircraft being tested at airports in the UK.

Personally, I can't see them taking off. However, BA did release a statement. It said, I ain't getting on no plane. Almost 50% of UK flights taken by women aged 20 to 45 are booked as a direct result of reading Eat Pray Love while almost 50% of flights taken by men of the same age are for stag dues. Airports only charge operators a runway fee for taking off. They charge nothing for a landing, as on balance, there are slightly more take-offs than landings. Alan.

I can imagine it's true that you can't really charge for landing, because what if someone really needed to land, and then you said that would be 90 quid, and they just didn't have it? I'm sorry to say you're wrong. Airports don't charge for taking off and they do charge for landing. Because that's when people will pay up.

LAUGHTER Absolutely. Yeah, you can land. Once you're in the air, they've got you. How much fuel have you got? How much is it worth to you? A little space to land. All right, Gloucestershire, we'll move the Tina Turner van. Henning. For a split second, I thought it might be true

that 50% of flights taken by men between 20 and 45 are stag do's, but then I decided against buzzing for that. OK. So what did you buzz for? Nothing. You sure? I'm divided against buzzing for that. So what did you buzz for? Nothing. You sure? Soundly plausible. I mean, what does the audience reckon?

No, no, no. We can't... OK, then, yeah, it's true. That is as annoying as people who do not know. Yeah, no, it is a little known fact, but 50% of all male passengers between 20 and 45, they're actually on a stag, do they? So you're saying that's true? Oh, undoubtedly. I don't like the way you've done it, and I'm sorry to say

that it on this occasion will be rewarded with success, because it is true. See, democracy works. Ask the people, you always get the right answer. See, democracy works. Ask the people, you always get the right answer. Security measures in airports include rats that can sniff out explosives to detect bombs, gerbils that can sniff out adrenaline to detect terrorists,

and ferrets that can sniff out Lynx Africa to detect Club 1830 holidaymakers. When it's time to leave the airport, to make sure your children continue to enjoy the thrill of it all, you can purchase a Playmobil airport security playset, complete with Playmobil body scanner. The deluxe version comes with a diverse set of figurines, so your child can learn to racially profile, just like the professional. Thank you, Angela.

So, Angela, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that gerbils can sniff out adrenaline to detect terrorists. Apparently, gerbils can sniff out heightened levels of adrenaline in sweat and were once deployed at Tel Aviv airport to identify terrorists and hijackers. The scheme ended after it was observed that the gerbils mainly caught innocent victims with a fear of flying. And the second truth is that you can purchase a Playmobil airport security playset

complete with Playmobil body scanner. And that means, Angela, you've scored two points. And that means, Angela, you've scored two points. Next up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is New Zealand, a country in the southern Pacific Ocean consisting of North Island, South Island and adjacent small islands. Off you go, Holly. New Zealand is known by many names. The land of the rising sun, the Emerald Isle,

the land of no dragons or just plain old Roger. But to me, it will always be known as home. As a proud New Zealander, or as we call ourselves, Hobbit Knobbers, it's my honour to tell you some amazing facts about New Zealand, James Herriot country. The national dish of New Zealand is, of course, roast kiwi bird, stuffed with kiwi fruit and then rubbed all over with kiwi shoe polish. The one thing that us New Zealanders are really proud of is that none of us can count. We have the lowest numeracy in the world.

Seriously, here are four facts about our numeracy. First, nobody knows when Wellington became the capital city because they forgot to write down the year on the document. We reckon it was around 1983, though. Third, we've got the 90-mile beach, which is 55 miles long. A beach I can guarantee was named by a man. Alan, that's true about the beach, the length of the beach. It is true. Yes, yes.

The story goes that European settlers named it 90 Mile Beach because they knew their horses could travel 30 miles a day and it took three days to travel along the beach, but they failed to account for the slower pace of travelling along sand. Idiots. And 17th, there is no Highway 4. It goes from 3 to 5, although that's because we think 4 is unlucky. Angela.

Do they think 4 is unlucky? No. No. No. I think 4 is supposedly an unlucky number in China because it sounds similar to the Chinese word for death. There's a good reason. One, two, three, death. We don't have a number that sounds like death, do we? 13 sounds a bit like dirty.

Does it? 13, dirty. 10, 11, 12, dirty, 14, 15. But isn't 13 an unlucky number rather than it sounded like dirty? Yeah, I've just made that up. I was speculating as to why 13 is an unlucky number. Isn't it because women menstruate on average 13 times a year? I thought it was unlucky because it was the number of people at the Last Supper.

I think women have been menstruating long before Jesus had his dinner. All right, Jermaine Griff. Go on, bring this... What is this, Woman's Hour? Go on. You lay claim to it. That's what happens when they invite two women on the panel chair. But it never used to happen. I told you it wouldn't work.

Strictly speaking, for your point to be valid, 13 would have to have been an unlucky number before the crucifixion. Also, you know, it's really unlucky if she doesn't have 13 periods. That's when the trouble really starts. We've got loads of activities for you, as long as you're really into death, or four, as we put it. And who isn't?

If you're old, like David, you can join a coffin club, where you meet up to decorate your own coffin in fun and occasionally offensive ways. But, of course, the main thing that New Zealand is known for these days is that it's where they made all of the Lord of the Dance shows. Because New Zealand has more Irish dancers than Ireland does and more Scottish piping bands than Scotland. Angela.

I think I'm going to go for the Scottish piping bands, because of Dunedin. So do they have more Scottish piping bands than in Scotland? Day two. Well done. Yes, per capita, New Zealand has more pipe bands than Scotland. That said, the standard of piping in Scotland is higher, with twice as many grade one bands per capita compared with New Zealand.

So I wasn't previously familiar with the grading system of piping bands. Are the bands graded by the Scots? I mean, I imagine so. Our synchronised diving team are nicknamed the Full Blacks. Our national basketball team are the Tall Blacks.

The swimming pool team are the Cruel Blacks. And our squash team are the Off The Wall Blacks. Alan. The Tall Blacks. Yeah, they are. Yes, you're right, they are. Yeah, the New Zealand men's national basketball team are nicknamed the Tall Blacks.

The national badminton team tried to call themselves the Black Cocks, but unfortunately weren't allowed to because they didn't bribe the Olympic Committee enough. You can read all about it yourselves just by googling those words. Thank you, Holly. So, Holly, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that in New Zealand there are coffin clubs

where you meet up to decorate your own coffin. The idea, which started in 2010, was to help the elderly celebrate their lives and to challenge people's fears about death. I don't know how it will succeed in any of that. And, Holly, the second truth is that the national badminton team tried to call themselves the Black Cock. Yes, they briefly did call themselves that,

referencing both the All Blacks rugby team and the badminton shuttlecock. However, after some discussion, the International Badminton Federation deemed the name inappropriate. Though the team was flooded with sponsorship offers by condom companies. And that means, Holly, you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Alan Davis. Your subject, Alan, is horses.

Large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous quadrupeds which have been used for riding as well as pulling vehicles and heavy loads. Off you go, Alan. At the Athens Olympic Games in 1892, athletes were allowed to compete on horseback. However, the horses gave no great advantage in the discus or water polo events. Angela.

Were they allowed to ride horses in races in...? In the athletics races? Yeah. No, no, no? No, of course not. No, that would be... It would be very unfair on the people without horses. And to this day, the world record for the horse long jump is shorter than the world record for the human long jump. Holly.

I think horses can jump shorter distances than people. If you, like, were to scale it all up... It's more the question, can they jump longer distances? Yeah, I mean, Henning is right there. The world record for the human long jump is currently 29 feet 4 1⁄4 inches and was set by American Mike Powell in 1991. The world equestrian long jump record

is only 27 feet 6.7 inches held by a horse called Something that's the name of the horse. No, I can't remember it I can tell you before why that is if you're interested because they've got four feet and you take off and one set of feet will hit the ground will hit the ground earlier than what you would think. But... Yeah, Henning, but it's a horse. They're massive. I still think it's impressive that the human long jump record is longer than the horse long jump record.

But there's less human to move. Exactly. So now I mention... Oh! Well, why then, in the Grand National, do people bother to bring horses? Why don't they say, I don't want to be held back by this Daltish creature, I'm just going to scramble around on my own? It would only be a fair comparison if Mike Powell,

if he had run up to the line on his hands and And also I should mention at this point that the horse long jump was done by a horse who had someone riding it Well, and I don't think Mike Powell Anyway Apparently as you all would expect Horses haven't jumped as far as humans. In the USA, horse-drawn fire engines had one problem, a horse's notorious fear of fire. To overcome this, the horses were blindfolded

and guide dogs employed to lead the way. Instead of a siren, the horse-drawn fire engine also employed alarm dogs that scamped along beside it, barking to warn people to get out of the way. The dogs were also able to climb the ladders when the firemen on horseback found their mounts refused to go up them. HE BELLS Henning. There was a lot of nonsense in that now, but...

But if you think about it, it's unnatural for a horse to go to a fire, so I'm sure they had to do something about that. Angela. Is it the alarm dogs that's the true bit? It is the alarm dogs bit that's true. Right. Dalmatians, also known as carriage dogs, were known for their affinity with horses

and were given the task of running alongside the horse-drawn fire engines, acting as a barking siren to clear crowds. Well, Dalmatians are obvious, aren't they, as alarm dogs, because they're easily spotted. I hate myself, you're right. I don't know what they want, if not that. I might like that. In World War I, to avoid officers on white horses

being picked out and shot by snipers, they were painted dark brown. And when that didn't work, they painted the horses brown as well. Angela. I think they painted horses brown in World War I. They did. Yes. When Dame Laura Knight wanted to paint a horse, she had it suspended by straps from her studio ceiling

so it couldn't move about and she could capture an accurate image when she was commissioned to paint a nude study of the ballet star nijinsky she had him suspended in the same way henny i don't know who that lady is but i guess best way of painting a horse is every dangling from the ceiling is every dangling from the ceiling. Well, Dame Laura Knight did not do that, but Stubbs... And he peeled off skin and then muscle and then everything like that. Did he? Yeah.

Well, he apparently suspended horses. I didn't know he butchered them. Yeah, no, he suspended them and then he peeled... I mean, this is the only time my art history degree has ever paid off. This smacks a little bit of a man who's been discovered in his studio with a horse strapped up and he's gone, I was painting it. But not Dame Laura Knight, sir, it's a trap. Did you buzz, Henny? I don't think so.

I'm not keeping the score, so I was just asking for my interest. If you buzzed, you would have lost a point. No, no, must have been someone else, if anyone buzzed at all. Anyway, when she was commissioned to paint a nude study of the ballet star Nijinsky, she had him suspended in the same way and visitors to the Tate Gallery can still see her painting of Nijinsky hung like a horse. John Wayne was allergic to horses.

Contact with the animal's coat bringing him out in a painful rash that made him walk funny. Kenny. That is true. No, it isn't. Luckily, I didn't bust. Others who were famously horse intolerant include Gwyneth Paltrow, Romesh Ranganathan, Matt Hancock and TV heartthrob James Corden. Angela.

Well, one of them is, and I'm allergic to horses, so I'm trying to decide which of those is most like me. Is Romesh allergic to horses? No. I mean, I've known him... You'd think it might have come up in conversation at some point. I would be quite surprised if it came up. I don't know if my wife is allergic to horses.

Tell you who's allergic to horses. Clint Eastwood. Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, Henny, you didn't confuse John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. I did. Horses can be remarkably dexterous and have even been known to master the use of a mobile phone or tablet.

Claire Balding's horse, Gulliver, was so addicted to its iPad that it barely left its stable. When it eventually went lame with a painful hoof, Claire was appalled to learn that the cause could be Twitter. Californian rapper Dr Dre owns seven thoroughbred racehorses, three of which are trained by Nicky Henderson at his Newmarket stables. Dr Dre's most successful horse to date is a four-year-old filly named Straight Outta Kempton.

Angela. Does Dr Dre own racehorses? No. The jockey Lester Piggott had a short-lived sideline with a microbrewery producing a craft ale he called Dumentus. Sales were disappointing, probably because the word Dumentus means smells like horse piss. If a horse statue has three legs on the ground, its rider died in battle. Angela.

I think that's true. It's not true. It's an urban myth. Oh! Yeah. If a horse statue has two legs on the ground, its rider died of natural causes. And if a horse statue has no legs on the ground,

its rider has been toppled by angry students. LAUGHTER Thank you, Alan. APPLAUSE So, Alan, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel. Everyone's managed two apart from you, Henning. And the first is that a painful horse's hoof could be caused by Twitter,

as Twitter is a 19th-century word for an abscess on a horse's foot. And the second truth is that the word gementous means smells like horse piss. So, two 19th century words you've learnt there on Radio 4. It's a bit incongruous, isn't it? And that means, Alan, you've scored two points. You can tell the sex of a horse by its teeth. Most females have 36,

males have 40. Though I think there are quicker ways of telling. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with no points, we have Henning Vein. In third place, with two points, it's Angela Barnes. And in joint first place,

with an unassailable three points each, it's this week's joint winners, Holly Walsh and Alan Davis. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naysmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Alan Davis, Holly Walsh, Angela Barnes and Henning Vane. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Squash and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.