The Unbelievable Truth - 29x02 Beauty, Tea, Giraffes, Dancing

Episode Date: June 5, 2023

29x02 5 June 2023 Lou Sanders, Phil Wang, Neil Delamere, Kerry Godliman Beauty, Tea, Giraffes, Dancing

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Tonight, our panellists will be attempting to separate the stray pubic hairs of truth in the aggressive bikini wax of lies. Please welcome Phil Wang, Lou Sanders,

Neil Delamere and Kerry Godleman. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Phil Wang. Phil recently published a memoir reflecting on his unusual background which he called Sidesplitter, a title which he copyrighted just in time as it forced a rival author to change the title of his book to Spare.

Phil, your subject is tea, an aromatic beverage prepared from tea leaves by soaking them in boiling water. Off you go, Phil. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Yorkshire tea is in fact grown in Yorkshire. The Chinese first discovered tea when they invaded Yorkshire in 1839. The word tea is from Yorkshire too,, tar, which is why people there say tar when you hand them a cup of tea.

They aren't thanking you, they're merely identifying the drink in your hand. Neil. I reckon Yorkshire tea is grown in Yorkshire. LAUGHTER I'm afraid to say it is not. But you're not the only one who's thought this. A prominent Brexiteer on the internet called Terry Robinson

tweeted in 2018, good to see at Yorkshire Tea a fellow Patriots. Yorkshire soil makes the best tea. When another Twitter user repeated his words, adding, send help, I am dying, Terry asked Yorkshire Tea where their tea is grown. When they replied, Yorkshire Tea is grown in more than 20 different places across Africa and India, Terry tweeted furiously,

effing disgraceful. Why call it Yorkshire Tea if it's not grown in Yorkshire? Won't be buying from you again. So... Sorry about the confusion, Neil. Wait till you hear where Mars bars are from. LAUGHTER Ah! The tea bag was invented by mistake when a young Isambard kingdom Brunel

put tea in his snuff pouch by accident. Lou. I do think it was made by mistake. It was made by mistake. Yes. Well done. Yes, the tea bag was invented by accident in 1908 after New York tea merchant Thomas Sullivan sent tea samples to his customers in small silk bags.

Unsure how to open the bags, they used them as tea bags. Who invented tea baggingging the actual technique of... That was his dad in the early 90s. No, I think it was Sir William Teabag, a renowned pervert. Why is tea backing again? I just want to hear David tell me. No, I'd be embarrassed in case I got it wrong. The action or the explanation?

I wasn't going to demonstrate. Well, anyway, if you've been affected by any of the issues... Phil, carry on. It turns out that most celebrities are superstitious about tea. Jules Holland has claimed he once saw a portent of his own death in some tea leaves, while Kylie Minogue starts each day by turning her teapot three times clockwise and once anticlockwise. It's what gave her the idea for her song Spinning Around, which, of course, includes the lyric,

I am spinning around, tea on my face. I know you like tea cos you're licking my face. Neil. Jules Holland. He's so important of his own death in tea leaves. No, he didn't. He didn't at all. But it says here that he and his rhythm and blues orchestra perform the tea bag shuffle.

So I don't know if that's a sex thing. But, yeah. Tea has such an earthy flavour that astronauts have a phobia of it. Neil Armstrong, Yuri Gagarin and David Bowie were all terrified of the stuff. Tea is therefore not allowed on NASA space shuttles and must be removed or subtracted before launch, which is why astronauts say T minus during the countdown. Neil. I'm going to say it's not allowed on space stations because if they spill it, it'll get into all of the instruments. And I am now playing this game to win. It's not true.

Have you spoken to all astronauts? I know for a fact that T is allowed on the space shuttles. In fact, astronauts often drink tea in space. It's freeze-dried on Earth and stored in vacuum-sealed pouches. Our language around tea is scary. In the 1700s, tea left brewing too long in the pot was known as witch's bile. When dried tea unfurls in hot water,

that's called the agony of the leaves, due to the subtle screaming sound you can hear if you put your ear close enough. Lou. Well, I could say both of those were true. But I'm going to go with the first one, the witch's bile. Witch's bile, not true. Oh, piss off.

Kerry. I'll go for the agony of the leaves, then. Yes, you've banged on with the agony of the leaves. Don't worry. The process by which a tea leaf begins to unfurl in hot water and release its flavour and colour is known as the agony of the leaf or leaves. Another phrase, an old-fashioned phrase for pouring out the tea,

is called bitching the pot. Anyone heard that? Never. To bitch the pot. Oh. Have you ever heard that? Never. To bitch the pot. Who says that? My grandmother used to say that, actually. Is that true, that your grandmother used to say that? No.

No. Bitching the pot is a nice phrase. I like it. Yeah. It's an acceptable outlet for my misogyny. Yes. Yeah. It's quite simple.

Bitching the pot is pouring out the tea. And potting the bitch is a particularly hard snooker shot. It might sound weird, but black and green tea are in fact made from the same plant. Neil. Oh, you bitch. I want to say that's true. Yeah, I think it's true. It is true, yeah, yeah.

Is it? It's true, yeah. Yes, both black and green tea are made from the leaves of the same plant, Camellia sinensis. To make black tea, the leaves are rolled and exposed to the air in order to trigger oxidation. In green tea, young leaves are harvested and left to wither. Yeah, we know. And then it's ready to bitch.

Phil. Where would we be without delicious salty tea? The drinking man's marmite. Thank you, Yorkshire. Or should I say, ta. Thank you, Phil. And at the end of that round, Phil, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Kylie Minogue starts each day by turning her teapot three times clockwise and once anticlockwise. She says, I know it's all a bit spooky. I do other things too. I don't walk under ladders and I throw salt over my shoulder. Second truth, David Bowie had a tea phobia. When he was five, Bowie's parents took him on a Thames boat trip

where he drank some bad tea. Tea that had been left stewing for seven years. So bad was it that it created in him a lifetime's aversion to British black tea. It's the end of the anecdote. I just say, if anyone who says catering hasn't improved in Britain, remember. Have you ever had a cup of tea that was brewed seven years ago? Older than the wine!

And anyway, that means, Phil, you've scored two points. OK, we turn now to Kerry Godleman. Kerry plays the crime-solving restaurant owner, Pearl Nolan, in the crime series Whitstable Pearl on Acorn TV. The first mystery she has to solve is finding out where on earth you can watch Acorn TV. Kerry, your subject is dancing. The movement of the body in a rhythmic way, usually to music and within a given space.

Off you go, Kerry. I am the perfect person to cover this topic because I myself am a former contestant of Strictly Come Dancing. Strictly is the largest single consumer of resources in the entertainment business. Every year, it uses up to 200 litres of fake tan, 14 industrial-sized buckets of body glitter,

a metric tonne of sequins and the entire self-respect of at least one daytime TV presenter. Lou. I do think the first bit of that is true. What bit is that? It's the biggest consumer of... It's the biggest consumer of resources It's the biggest consumer of resources in the entertainment business.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, strictly. Well, it's a big show. Yeah, it's a big show. What does that mean? What does that mean? Well, the consumer of resources. Well, it's not like how much...

I went on to do a list of what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, what else is there? Well, I mean, so there are huge Hollywood films. Oh, I thought you just meant in England. I know Strictly Come Dancing is a big deal. Yeah. Pfft! Phil.

I'm going to venture that the fact about the sequins is true. Oh. A metric tonne of sequins. Oh, I heard box. LAUGHTER You have to buy... LAUGHTER I think you probably have to have quite a lot of sequins. Oh, I heard box. Yeah. LAUGHTER I think you probably have to have quite a lot of sequins. Yeah. Because they're not... Individually, they're not heavy, are they?

No. Can I just say I feel better about my Yorkshire team? LAUGHTER All the celebrities on Strictly love taking part, except for Ed Balls, who allegedly hated it, and Will Young, who thought about breaking his own legs to get out of it. Neil. I think Will Young thought about injuring himself to get out of it

because he was so terrified about doing it. Correct. Ooh! I say this as someone who did Strictly in Ireland. Ooh! Clearly has a massive impact here. How did you do? Let's not talk about that.

I liked the outfits. There was a lot of glitter. There was one point I had this Paso Doble thing and it was shoulder pads out the hair and it was all these sequins on it. I looked like Liberace at an Orange Order parade. But I had the same feeling as Will Young, so that's how I knew. Kerry.

The BBC once attempted to stage an all-animal version of Strictly featuring elks, which are capable of moonwalking, stoats, who use their funky dance moves to impress rabbits, and a cicada that can do the lambada. Neil. Do stoats dance around in front of rabbits that kind of momentarily confuse them? They do. Oh, you bitch!

Oh, Neil! Stoats are known to dance in a bid to mesmerise rabbits. And when does the stoat strike? Is it when the rabbit tucks the money into their G-string? Now, we all love dance movies, like Footloose, whose female dancing star, Laurie Singer, these days suffers from a condition called dancer's ankle, an instability of the ankle joint caused by stretched or torn ligaments.

So, ironically, having been in Footloose, she now has a loose foot. Lou. Is that true? No. Yeah. Chubby Checker, who wrote the song The Twist, was unable to do the twist himself, but he was able to explain the moves, saying, it's like putting out a cigarette with both feet while wiping your bottom with a towel.

In the USA, the state dance of Wisconsin is the square dance. Neil. I know that Henry Ford went mad years ago in the 20s and made everybody square dance. So square dancing is quite common in the Midwest. That might be true. The state dance of Wisconsin is the square dance. Well, now that you say it like that...

People always say that. Yeah, I think that's true. I say it dispassionately. It could be... Yeah, it's not true, no. LAUGHTER The polka is the state dance of Wisconsin. Washington has the waltz, Texas has the lambada, South Carolina has the shag and Arkansas has the smooch. The foxtrot was created by the great-great-grandfather

of actor Laurence Fox. Laurence himself created a dance which consists of repeated lurches to the right in a downward spiral. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Women are always impressed by men dancing, and we're most impressed by men who move their upper bodies a lot and take up as much space on the dance floor as possible. It's much the same when we're swimming

and a confident young male comes by doing the high-speed butterfly stroke. Thank you, Kerry. And at the end of that round, Kerry, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Chubby Checker described the twist as like putting out a cigarette with both feet and wiping your bottom with a towel to the beat of the music. The second truth is that the shag is the state dance of South Carolina.

According to the state's official website, shagging originated at open-air beach parties on the North and South Carolina coasts. True. And the third truth is that most women are most impressed by men who move their upper bodies around a lot, making large, varied movements with the neck and trunk. It's like it's describing me. Which take up a lot of space on the dance floor.

Moving the left shoulder and right knee were also deemed particularly alluring. Researchers believe that these moves may be signals of a man's reproductive quality. At the other end of the scale, men who move their arms too much were marked down by researchers, as were men who didn't move enough and kept their arms and legs close to their body.

So it may feel like the safe option, but do like I do and just go for it. And that means, Kerry, you've scored three points. Next up is Lou Sanders. Lou, your subject is beauty, a combination of qualities such as shape, colour or form that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight. Off you go, Lou. To be a cutie and a beauty is why I'm your little patootie,

was the original slogan for Channel. Another Channel slogan was, a real lady knows you can smile with your whole body. Lou... Yeah? Is it not pronounced Chanel? What did I say? Channel. Did I say channel? You did say channel. When I wrote it, I thought...

It sounds less French and sophisticated. What is wrong with me, do you think? Do you think I got dropped? That's a longer conversation. I did get dropped on my head, but that was recently. It's funny, because Chanel No. 5 is very classy, but Channel 5... LAUGHTER It was interesting.

Do you know what? It's really good that BBC... Because BBC are all about diversity and giving opportunities, and it's really good that they give opportunity to me who didn't go to school. OK. In the noughties, they attempted a breast job on a squirrel called Darren. The squirrel died because the breasts were too large for his body

but before he sadly passed, he did get to fulfil his second dream to graze the cover of Nuts magazine. get to fulfil his second dream to grace the cover of Nuts magazine. Buzz in if you want. In the 19th century, Japanese women painted their teeth black to look more beautiful, and today women from the Wirral said they just wanted to look like a big bar of Toblerone. Kerry.

That is true, that Japanese women painted their teeth black. It is true, yes. Very, very true. Opoguro is a practice in which Japanese women dye their teeth black. Up until the end of the 19th century, having black teeth was commonly regarded as a sign of beauty in Japan, as was having a white face. The real reason a lot of actors can't move their faces

is because antifreeze is present in a lot of cosmetics. Neil. I'm going to say the tiny amounts of the same thing that's antifreeze is present in some cosmetics. Oh, peace on. Yes, as you may have inferred. I'm feeling confident about this. That is correct, yes.

Propylene glycol, an antifreeze derived from petroleum, is present in many cosmetics, including lotions, shampoos and serums. It's also used in coolants, detergents, deodorants, hydraulic fluid and salad dressings. In the early 1950s, the West End hairdressing salon, Chop and Change, created a style for older ladies, achieving tight curls by conditioning the hair with a secret ingredient. At first, would-be clients were put off by the name of this wonder treatment,

but after they dropped the initial S, the perm was born. L'Oreal grows around five square metres of human skin per year to be used for pharmaceutical and cosmetic testing. China harvests collagen from the skin of executed prisoners and sells it to the West for cosmetics and beauty products. Boots number seven and Chanel number 19 are just referring to the inmates' cell numbers. Kerry.

L'Oreal growing skin. I feel like that's got truth in it. That has got truth in it. Yeah, that's true. In a process known as derma-farming, L'Oreal grows approximately five square metres of human skin per year in a large factory in Lyon. Oh, I thought you were going to say Leeds.

LAUGHTER In 2015, L'Oréal announced that it would be partnering with bioengineering start-up Organovo to 3D print human skin. Pfft! This all sounds fine. LAUGHTER When they say Laboratoire Garnier Paris that isn't what I'm thinking of

You're not imagining the great, you know absolutely the huge sheet of skin and one day they're worried because it's grown an arsehole Yeah, so worried In one corner a sphincter the other corner an eye Oh God What are we going to do? In one corner, a sphincter, the other corner, an eye. Oh, God. What are we going to do?

Give it a show on GB News. Lou. In the US, there are no legal definitions to the terms cruelty-free and not tested on animals on the make-up products because, at the end of the day, the real cruelty is the rabbits not tested on animals on the make-up products, because at the end of the day, the real cruelty is the rabbits not caring if we end up single or not. Neil? I'd say there's no agreed-upon definition

so they can test make-up on rabbits. You're absolutely right. America's Food and Drug Administration, or FDA, admits on its website that the terms cruelty-free and not tested on animals have no legal definitions The United States Drug Administration, or FDA, admits on its website that the terms cruelty-free and not tested on animals have no legal definitions and therefore can be used by cosmetic companies without restriction. Now, that, to me, seems wrong.

LAUGHTER And that's the end of Lou's lecture. APPLAUSE And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that China harvests collagen from the skin of executed prisoners and sells it to the West for cosmetics and beauty products. What are they like?

Most of the collagen harvested for cosmetics comes from cows, fish, pigs and the foreskins of babies. It's a lovely world, isn't it, cosmetics? And that means, still, everyone's looking splendid, and that's the main thing. And that means, Lou, you've scored one point. Thank you. It's now the turn of Neil Delamere.

Neil is from Ireland and was once described in one newspaper as being a banter bomb. Since then, Neil has agreed to put his banter beyond use as part of the peace process. Your subject, Neil, is giraffes. Ruminant quadrupeds, remarkable for their long necks and legs. Off you go, Neil. To the Greeks, giraffes were knownuminant quadrupeds, remarkable for their long necks and legs. Off you go, Neil. To the Greeks, giraffes were known as camel leopards.

To the Romans, they were stretched goats. And to Peter Crouch's family, Shetland ponies. But Britain's first ever giraffe was born in a zoo in 1958 when a keeper forced a horse to hump a lighthouse. Sadly, it didn't live long, but in the the wild giraffes can live up to 80 years of age unless they encounter either of their two natural predators lions or the guillotine. Lou. 80 years. Lifespan of a giraffe? No. In the wild their life expectancy is around 25 years. Kerry. What about the leopard with a long

neck? What the Greeks called giraffes. Kerry. What about the leopard with a long neck? What the Greeks called giraffes. Yeah. The Greeks called them camel leopards. Yes. And you see, I think, Kerry, that it's too late to buzz in on that. Oh, but I didn't... I think, because I have to say that you buzzed in a bit late

in the last lecture, and I thought... But that was then. Oh, this is... You've already admitted to being a misogynist, and we can see it coming to the fore here. Yes, because then it was just Lou's lecture, and I don't really care what happened. LAUGHTER

Fair enough. Neil's worked really hard on this piece about giraffes. OK. Anyway, you are right. The Greeks called giraffes camel leopards because with their long necks and spots, it was thought they resembled a cross between a camel and a leopard. The two giraffes sent as a gift to Queen Victoria in 1875

were specifically intended for the burgeoning giraffe racing circuit, which had become popular during Victoria's record-breaking innings as monarch. She had a very, very long reign, as did the jockeys in the sport. Giraffe? Phil. Queen Victoria did have a very long reign. Yes, she did. She did have a long reign. She did have a long reign. I know this isn't in the spirit of the game,

but I am in desperate need of a point. I think, yeah, you could get a bonus point for that. Oh, thank you. Neil. Giraffes sleep for about 30 minutes a day. Imagine how bored you'd be if you were awake for 23.5 hours a day. That's why they're so tall. They're all like, is there something going on over there?

Many scientists think that the reason that a giraffe's tongue is actually blue is to stop it getting sunburnt when the animal is eating. And the average giraffe heart is the exact same shape, size and weight as a poodle that has no legs or head. Before they mate, the male giraffe will taste the urine of the female. We've all done it. Lou. I think you've tasted the urine.

But I do think giraffes are at it as well. Giraffes are at it as well. Before mating, the male giraffe brushes the rear of a female, which prompts her to urinate. He will then take a mouthful of her urine to detect whether she's ovulating. Bizarrely, the males will often caress one another with their necks and then have sex with each other, including reaching climax.

It's estimated that 75% to 94% of the time male giraffes have sex, it's with another male giraffe. Giraffes have the unique distinction of not only being the only animals born with horns But those horns can move independently of one another like eyes on a lizard or tatters on a nipple Phil I think the horns can move independently of one another Think about it Phil Like joysticks, separately. On a giraffe.

Well, why not? Tell me why not. Well, I can't imagine it, can you? Well, clearly I can. You can imagine it. You want to go and have a look at more giraffes. It just doesn't happen. No, I'm afraid that's not true. Don't... Phil, anything's possible.

Dare to dream. Nature's beautiful. You never know. Kerry. What about the baby born with the horns? Is that true? Yes. Oh! That's true. Anything's possible! APPLAUSE

Yes. Giraffes are the only animals born with horns. In 2004, staff at a Peruvian zoo painted llamas the same pattern as giraffes, telling children that they were slightly further away than they thought. That giraffe-llama family was known as giramas and were called Girama Queen, Girama Class, Kitchen Sink Girama, Speech and Girama,

and Outstanding Lead Actor in a Girama Series. And that's the end of Neil's lecture. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. The first one got through on a technicality. That's the camel leopards being the Greek word for giraffes. The second is that giraffes sleep for about 30 minutes a day. They often sleep standing up, because from a lying position,

standing up is an awkward and lengthy process for a giraffe. I know the feeling. And the third truth is that many scientists think that the reason a giraffe's tongue is actually blue is to stop it getting sunburnt when the animal is eating. And that means, Neil, you've scored three points. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus four points, we have Lou Sanders.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In third place, with minus two points, it's Phil Wang. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In second place, with three points, it's Neil Delamere. APPLAUSE And in first place, with an unassailable four points is this week's winner, Kerry Godleman. That's about it for this week. Goodbye.

The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Laceworth and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair with panellists Neil Delamere, Phil Wang, Kerry Godleman and Lou Sanders. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Corinne Swash, and the producer was John Nason. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.