The Unbelievable Truth - 29x03 Pubs, The postal service, Maps, Languages

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

29x03 12 June 2023 Alan Davies, Holly Walsh, Angela Barnes, Henning Wehn Pubs, The postal service, Maps, Languages

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. For our younger listeners, this show is basically like a podcast, the only difference being that we use an innovation yet to hit the podcasting world, editing.

Please welcome Alan Davis, Holly Walsalsh Angela Barnes and Henning Vein Will present a lecture that should be entirely false say for five hidden truths Which their opponents should try to identify? Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed While other panelists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Angela Barnes. Angela spent her hen night inside a nuclear bunker in Dundee. No surprise, it was bleak, damp and cold,

so they were very relieved to get inside the bunker. Angela, your subject is language, a system of communication used by a particular country or community. Off you go, Angela. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Spanish as a language doesn't actually exist. It is, in fact, the result of a worldwide collective auditory hallucination. And Italian isn't technically a language, it's merely a mood.

LAUGHTER Alan. Is it true that Spanish as a language doesn't really exist? C. No, I think it does exist. I do remember they got quite criticised in some quarters, the Spanish football team, for not singing the national anthem before a game, and then it turned out that the national anthem before a game and then

it turned out that their national anthem is instrumental. The concise Oxford English dictionary is the paramilitary wing of the language police and its powers include the means to indefinitely detain perpetrators that use words it considers obsolete. Words it considers obsolete include pencil case, bedspread, overhead projector, cassette player and Liz Truss. Holly. A word that's obsolete. I don't understand what that means. What they've done is, in the next edition of the Concise Dictionary, they've not included it. But some of those are two words.

But the fact is that we know all the words indicates to me they're all still very much in the running. Yeah, but it's the concise dictionary. Do you see? Yeah. LAUGHTER OK, I'm going to go with bedspread. Be careful now, be careful. Sorry.

Be careful. Somehow, you're saying bedspread has got glued to Henning saying be careful. It's going to be very difficult to separate. Is there any way that you could say bedspread without Henning saying be careful? To be fair, I'm not the person you have to... You'll only regret it.

You'll only regret it. They're all words, I know. I've heard them all. I've heard them all. I've heard them all. Try it quickly now. Just try bedspread. Don't rush in. Bedspread. Bedspread. No, it's not bedspread.

Yeah, yeah. I bet it was overhead projector, wasn't it? I bet it was overhead projector. There is a psychological condition called grammaphasia, whereby sufferers believe they are grammatical devices. For example, my ex-boyfriend thought he was an apostrophe, so I left him for being too possessive. The word boredom only came about in 1864

to coincide with the first broadcast of Quote Unquote. The word emoji was coined in 1720 when the finders of the Rosetta Stone turned it over to discover an etching of a turd with a face. Henning. Well, seeing until the 1860s, people all did proper work, so I guess boredom only got invented then. So you're saying boredom only came about in 1864?

Yeah. Is that what you're saying is true? You're absolutely right. The word twerk has been in use since 1820, primarily by people from Yorkshire telling their other half where they're going in the morning. English doesn't have a word for rain, and in German there is no word for crisps. Henning.

Well, there isn't really a word for crisps. Kartoffel chips, no? Yeah, but that's essentially the same thing, isn't it? No, yeah, OK, yeah, you can have that. Well, the thing is, there's a social stigma in Germany to eating them. You're like some Aspo if you eat them, so we never had any. Are you really German? The following words all owe their origin to the Greek god Pan.

Pansy, because he's the god of garden flowers, Panic, because he liked to jump out and frighten people, and Panda, because he could only make love with the intervention of a zoologist. Holly. I believe the panic. You're right. Yes. Yes. Panic comes from the Greek word panikon, or pertaining to Pan,

the god of woodlands and meadows, who it was believed was the source of mysterious sounds that caused contagious, groundless fear in crowds or in people in lonely spots Donald Trump In the Japanese dubbed version of the film the Terminator instead of saying hasta la vista baby Arnold Schwarzenegger says cheerio then love In Chile they have a word a chaplain ar meaning to arse about like Charlie Chaplin. And in Finland, a mist that is unusually cold with restricted vision

is known as a re-smog. Every Victorian lady made daily use of the language of flowers. Meanings attributed to the various flowers include buttercup, I'm lying face down, Juniper, did you bite that woman? And Morning Glory, hello, big boy. Thank you, Angela. So, Angela, at the end of that round,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Oxford English Dictionary considers the word cassette player to be obsolete. It was dropped from the 12th edition of the Concise Oxford English Dictionary in 2011, when I'm pretty sure I was still using a cassette player, making way for such newfangled words as sexting, upcycle, noob, nurdle, mankini and jeggings. Past words dropped by the concise

OED include video jockey, a person who introduces and plays music videos on television. Obsolete barely ten years after you started. The second truth is that the word twerk has been in use since 1820. Referred to a twisting, jerking movement or twitch, the verb twerking is believed to have emerged in 1848. The word was first spelled T-W-I-R-K, becoming T-W-E-R-K in 1901, just when Queen Victoria died. And the third truth is that in Chile they have a word, a chaplainarse, meaning to arse about, turn back,

change direction in the manner of Charlie Chaplin And that means Angela you scored three points Penning your subject is maps diagrammatic representations of an area such as a city a country or a continent Showing its main features as they would appear if you looked at them from above. Off you go, Henning. The first physical map was a rudimentary sat-nav made by Jesus' stepdad, Joseph.

He made it because maybe Jesus would continually ask on long family trips if they were nearly there yet. It was a trick question anyway. Being omnipresent, Jesus was already everywhere. LAUGHTER The first jigsaw puzzles were only of maps. Holly. Were maps made into jigsaws?

Yes, they were. Yes, they were. APPLAUSE Yes, the first jigsaw puzzles were only of maps and invented in the late 18th century to teach children geography. They were invented by John Spilsbury, a London-based cartographer and engraver, in 1767. He called his puzzles dissected maps. I'm going to call them dissected maps again. I want that back in the concise OED. An early map from Flanders had scripted the edges, advising users not to go any further, lest they tumble from the face of God's green earthy,

adding, removing this warning will invalidate your mappy. It was due to a medieval belief that every land animal had an equivalent in the sea. The mapmakers covered their drawings with sea serpents, sea dogs and sea pigs. It turns out they were only right about sea lions and sea horses, while sea monkeys turned out to be an expensive sachet of dirt that couldn't actually drive cars or play tennis. Angela.

Did they think that there was an equivalent in the sea for every animal on the land? They did. Oh! Yeah. APPLAUSE Well done. Yes. Medieval beliefs, in fact, going back as far as the first century,

held that every land animal had an equivalent or counterpart in the sea. What's a starfish on the land, then? Well, they weren't right. Because of this, ancient mapmakers would draw sea monsters on their maps to look like aquatic versions of familiar land

animals such as sea serpents sea pigs and marine pig dogs to you know as a counterpart of the land pig dog maps have always been a source of deception in 1875 the royal navy erased 123 islands from their charts because they didn't exist. All of them had been imagined by sex-starved men and included Fantasy Island, Love Island, Love Island After Sun... LAUGHTER ..Love Island Australia, Love Island Reunion and Dolly Parton's Islands In The Stream.

Holly. I think that they deleted a few islands that didn't exist. They did. Well done. In 1875, the great ocean surveyor, Captain Sir Frederick Evans, applying a previously unseen rigour and new global positioning techniques, erased 123 non-existent islands from the Royal Navy's chart of the North Pacific. Today, these islands are still part of the British Empire and are the only ones

Prince Andrew is allowed to visit as Goodwill ambassador. The invention of maps made men better than women for the first time ever. Women tend to navigate by landmarks and visual memories while men navigate by direction and distance and so are better at reading maps. For this reason, the journeys of the Mayflower got hopelessly lost, so they didn't have any maps, wouldn't stop to ask for directions, and all the women shouting,

we passed that bit off seaweed six days ago... LAUGHTER ..were ignored or thrown overboard as troublemakers. Angela. Do women use landmarks more than men do? Because I always go by pubs, but that might just be me. Yes,

that is true. According to a scientific report in 2003, in general, men tend to be better at reading maps. After studying routes on a map, women tend to navigate by landmarks and visual memories, while men navigate by direction and distance. Is it not just because men understand the concept

of an inch equaling a mile a bit more than women do? Mapping hasn't got any better at all since the 1500s. For example, the maps used by self-driving cars cannot be read by humans. Angela. Do self-drive cars use maps that humans can't read? They do, yes. I can't wait for self-driving, because I can't drive.

And I figure the self-driving car might take over quite soon, and then it's like, good, I didn't learn to drive. But then, what if the technology doesn't break through as quickly as I hope, and actually there are no self-driving cars and I should learn to drive, but then if I learn to drive now, which would be very difficult because I find learning things harder and harder and harder, I can only do the things I've done before, then you can bet, by sod's law,

the self-driving car will take over in about four months. You'll be in a self-driven hearse, David. LAUGHTER Thank you, Henning. You'll be in a self-driven hearse, David. Thank you, Henning. And at the end of that round, Henning, you've managed to smuggle no truths past the rest of the panel. Which means you've scored no points! The world's first weather map was published in the Times newspaper in 1875. No points!

The world's first weather map was published in the Times newspaper in 1875, but gave the weather for the previous day, with an impressive 50% accuracy. Next up is Holly Walsh. Holly, your subject is the Postal Service, a system used to physically transport letters and parcels from one place to another. Off you go, Holly. The Postal Service was created in 1067, when William the Conqueror decided we needed a more efficient way of sending information than tapestries.

Back then, there was only one delivery a week, which still makes it twice as efficient as the current post office. And by the late 1800s, people were getting posts delivered 12 times a day. By 1902, there were 15 daily deliveries to some parts of London until half the post office staff died in what's known as the Great Exhaustion. Helen. Were there up to 15 deliveries in central London?

There were not 15 deliveries. No, then I just think whatever is true. LAUGHTER It's tricky because Holly mentioned 15 daily deliveries for some parts of London by 1902, which is not true. What is true is that by the late 1800s, people were getting post-delivered 12 times a day, with the first delivery typically at 7.30am

and the last one about 7.30pm. Yeah, just like I said, one an hour. So there were lots of deliveries, but there weren't 15, as Henning remembered you saying, which you did say and that wasn't true, there were just 12. But I felt I couldn't have that 12 truth hanging around when he said the 15, and I thought,

if I keep talking, I'll know whether or not to give him the point. All I need to do is keep the words coming out of my mouth in the hope that my brain will come to some sort of decision, which hopefully won't be too controversial, and people will understand why I've given it, and I just can't come to any kind of decision. So I think, let's move on. OK, Henny, you can have a point.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The main office of the UK Postal Service is the Post Office Tower, which was originally a very tall, thin restaurant. I could tell you where it is, but until recently, its location was classified, meaning that in London it was illegal to look up, just in case you saw it. Alan. That's true.

It's an official secret, the existence of the Post Office Tower. You're absolutely right, yes. It was until 1993 the location of the post office tower, now referred to as the BT Tower, was covered by the Official Secrets Act, in spite of the fact... Well, in spite of the fact that it's right there. And it was, for 15 years, the tallest building in London.

And it literally has, like, happy children in need on the side of it every, like, year. Presumably, until 1993, it just had, you know, shh! What are you looking at? I would love to have gone to it. It had a restaurant, though, a revolving restaurant. Can you imagine, In a secret building? You'd feel so sick, though.

Well, it depends how quickly it rotates. Bhutan had a set of stamps that were tiny little vinyl records you stuck on your letter. It may sound fun, but every third stamp contained Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. Belgium once issued the world's first chocolate stamps, which were quickly recalled when people complained their postman were licking their letters.

Henny. I remember very vividly when the Belgians released chocolate stamps. Do you remember it? Yeah, vividly. Oh, right. I'm afraid you must have time travelled from the future because it hasn't happened yet. No, they didn't have chocolate stamps.

They did issue stamps that smelled of chocolate and tasted of chocolate, but they weren't chocolate. Well, if it smells of chocolate and tastes like chocolate, looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate... It didn't look like chocolate, it looked like a stamp. But, no, they weren't made like chocolate. Looks like chocolate, smells like chocolate. It didn't look like chocolate, it looked like a stamp. But, no, they weren't made of chocolate, but they were a bit chocolatey. But I gave you the thing about the 15 posts.

Yeah, OK, that's fair enough. Fair dues, yeah. I'm going to tell you a little anecdote now, David, that combines two of our recent answers. Are you ready? Yes, please. I went to a charity event at the top of the secret BT Tower and one of the guest artists entertaining everybody was Rick Hasley. I went to the loo and while I was in the loo,

it revolved and when I came out of the loo, I was on stage with him. So the stage revolved to outside the door of the gents. The loser in the central column. But the stage came around. Nowadays, you're never more than three feet away from a post office. You could find one on the mere space station, where the lack of gravity means all parcels are technically weightless,

so free to post. Angela. I instantly regret it, but is there one on the space station? There is one on the space station. Yes. The Mir post office had a stamp to verify that the letter or package had been on the Russian space station. For around $20,000, you could send a letter up to the station

where it would receive a cancellation mark before being sent back down to Earth. Wow. What a pointless way of spending money. I don't know how to say this. Vanuatu. Yeah. Vanuatu. It's a Pacific island. Vanuatu has a fully working underwater post

office, which has the added benefit that every half hour, the queue gets caught in a riptide, which keeps waiting times down. And, of course, Tokyo has the world-famous Hello Kitty post office where mail is sorted by cats, though they tend to sort things into things I sleep on and things I piss on.

Henning. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but if Holly doesn't even know how to pronounce Vanuatu, she surely wouldn't have picked it for a lie so they've got an underwater post office you're absolutely right that is good deduction Vanuatu has the world's only underwater post office in a marine sanctuary 50 meters off the coast. Because ink would run underwater, scuba divers and any snorkelers

able to hold their breath long enough are able to send waterproof plastic postcards which are embossed with a special cancellation stamp. So that's pointless as well. Thank you, Holly. Now, at the end of that round, Holly, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel. Bhutan had miniature vinyl talking stamps, playable on a standard turntable, and they played, instead of Rick Astley,

Bhutanese folk songs and a spoken history of the country in English and the local language. Anyway, that means you've scored one point. APPLAUSE A prisoner serving a jail term for robbery language. Anyway, that means you've scored one point. A prisoner serving a jail term for robbery managed to wrap himself in a parcel and post himself to freedom. He escaped okay, despite suffering quite serious injuries, when his every delivery driver kicked him into a hedge. It's now the turn of Alan Davis. Alan is best known for appearing on QI alongside Stephen Fry. But, of course, he's done so much more than that.

For example, he's appeared on QI alongside Sandy Toxford. Your subject, Alan, is pubs. Drinking establishments licensed to serve alcoholic drinks for consumption on the premises. Off you go, Alan. Some of the strangest genuine pub names include Oily Johnny's, The Welcome Turd, The Cock and Bull Cock, The Generous Bush, The Dogging Duck, The Jolly Ayatollah and The Knobwell Inn.

LAUGHTER One of them, innit? It's... Oh, what was the second one? The Welcome Turd. No, not that one. LAUGHTER Go to the third one. The Cock and Bull Cock. The Cock and Bull Cock. The welcome turd The cock and bull cock cock and bull cock no, no, that's not true anymore for anymore It's an inviting list. Oh, come on. Oh, I'm running into a machine gun at the Somme

I love it when there's a list and everyone runs at it. That's it, Henning. Off you charge. The Jolly Ayatollah. No, of course not. Holly. Slippery Johnnies or whatever it was. Oily Johnnies. Oily Johnnies.

You're right. Yes, Oily Johnnies was named after a former landlord who was known locally as Oily Johnny due to the fact that he sold paraffin oil from a shed next to the pub. And the establishment actually is now a restaurant pub called Oily's. So they're a bit less familiar. You're like a radio station giving a shout-out to a local eatery. Give me time. They're all just chilling tonight down

at Oily Johnny's. This is for them. This is Rick Astley. Alan. Pub names often indicate which customers will be particularly favoured. Locksmiths are always welcome at the cross keys. Builders

get their first drink free at the bricklayer's arms, and if you're not yet 18, you're advised to stay well away from the Duke of York. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE In a Canadian pub in Dawson City, Yukon, your whisky, instead of coming with ice, is delivered to you with a frost-bitten toe in the glass. Legend has it that a rum runner was caught in a blizzard

and on reaching the pub, he ordered a scotch, took off his sock and shook his toe out onto the counter. The landlord popped it into the glass and said it's free if you drink it. You can still get a free whisky there as long as you provide your own toe. Angela. I think that happened with the toe

because there were definitely rum runners in Canada, and that sounds like it's cold. You're absolutely right. The legend of the rum runner isn't true, but the frostbitten toe in the glass of a pub in Dawson City, Yukon, is true. And you must drink the whisky to prove you're a true Yukoner. The rules are, you can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but the lips must touch the toe.

And there is a fine of $500 if you swallow the toe. My mum's from Newfoundland and they have a similar thing without the toe but it's called screeching in and to become an honorary Newfoundlander when you go there as a come from

away, someone who's not from there, you have to drink it's called screech rum, you have to drink... It's called screech rum. You have to eat a piece of Newfie steak, which is spam, and you have to kiss a cod. And then someone says to you, is you a screecher? And you say, indeed I is, me old cock. Long may your big jib draw.

And then you're a Newfoundlander. I sound like I'm on drugs, but it's true. Then you're a Newfoundlander and are free to marry a sibling. but it's true. Then you're a Newfoundlander and are free to marry a sibling. The pub name The Dog and Duck derives from the practice of duck baiting. The best-known duck baiting pond was run by Mr John Ball and Ball's Pond became so famous it had a road named after it. Angela.

Is Ball's Pond Road named after John Ball? It is, yes. In fact, that whole bit is true. The pub name, The Dog and Duck, derives from the popular pub entertainment of duck baiting, which involved a duck with its wings clipped being thrown into a pond next to the pub and a dog or dogs being let loose to chase after it.

The most famous of these ducking ponds was that of Mr John Ball, whose pub, The Salutation, was located in the area of Islington that bears his name, The Ball's Pond Road. In Germany, Hitler's former mountain retreat, The Eagle's Nest, is now a pub. Everyone's welcome as long as they don't mention the war and it's best to avoid the Gestapo lounge on quiz nights.

I bet that's true. It is true. Yeah, The it's best to avoid the Gestapo lounge on quiz nights. Holly. I bet that's true. It is true. Here, the Eagle's Nest is now a pub, offering indoor dining and an outdoor beer garden. The pub doesn't mention much about its past, except in the photos showing its pre-construction condition. A Manchester pub called the Puffin Dart

closed down after it became a magnet for dealers selling cannabis. Puff and Dart was, of course, an early version of pub darts played using a blowpipe. Other popular pub games include Crabbage, a card game played with seafood, Ten Men's Morris, where you try to get as many people as you can into a Morris Minor, and Bra Billiards,

where players try to pop the balls into a sea cup. And that's the end of Alan's lecture. And at the end of that round, Alan, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which was that puff and dart was an early version of pub darts played using a blowpipe. In it, a blowpipe was used to fire darts at a target of concentric rings, much like an archery target. In the second half of the 19th century, several manufacturers produced domestic versions of the game. However, during a game of puff and dart at a London pub in 1844,

one player made the mistake of sucking rather than blowing and swallowed the dart. He died a few days later. And that means, Alan, you've scored one point. In Australia, if you put your glass upside down on the counter in a pub, it means you're up for a fistfight against everyone there and will win. Something I wish I'd known before I went to that pub in Sydney and trapped a spider.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Henning Veen. In third place, with no points, it's Alan Davis. In second place, with four points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place, with an unassailable five points, it's Holly Walsh. And in first place with an unassailable five points, it's this week's winner, Angela Barnes. That's about it

for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden, and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Alan Davis, Holly Walsh, Angela Barnes, and Hen Bain. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster

and Colin Squash and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.