The Unbelievable Truth - 29x04 French, Bans, Hippos, Superstition

Episode Date: June 19, 2023

29x04 19 June 2023 Lucy Porter, Marcus Brigstocke, Richard Osman, Ria Lina French, Bans, Hippos, Superstition

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truth and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. I'm joined by four of the funniest people in Britain, not just my words, also their agents. Please welcome Marcus Brigstock, Ria Lena, Lucy Porter and Richard Osman.

The rules were as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Marcus Brigstock. Marcus is the master of satirical comedy and thanks to his tireless efforts of holding

this government to account, he has restricted the Conservatives' tenure of power to just 14 years and counting. Marcus your subject is bans, Prohibitions forbidding certain things that are imposed by law or official decree. Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. You literally can't say anything anymore. Try and say something. You can't.

It's all been banned because you can't say anything because of the ban on saying anything. I tried saying anything in 2019 and I was banned. You can't say Christmas in parts of Birmingham. You can't say manhole in parts of California. You can't say parts in parts of New Zealand. You can't say absolute tosser on Radio 4. We'll see if that stays in.

Ria. Can you not say manhole in parts of California because it would be people hole? You're absolutely right. Yes, yes. Listen, in 2019, the city of Berkeley, California, banned the use of the word manhole as sexist and patriarchal and now refers to it as a maintenance hole.

Oh, that's worse. We're all thinking now about our various maintenance holes. By the time I get to the end of this lecture, this will have been banned because you literally can't say anything anymore. To be fair, the final two minutes of this lecture really is very, very racist. Richard?

I'm just guessing. Knowing Marcus, it probably will be. Well, we'll have to wait and find out. In North Korea, the following things are all banned by state decree. Ennui, banned. Shuffling in gregariousness, banned. The movie Footloose, banned. Sarcasm, banned. Public references to Kevin Bacon, banned.

EE adverts by Kevin Bacon, banned. And Streaky Bacon, banned. Richard? I mean, it's And streaky bacon, banned. Richard? I mean, it's got to be one of them. Footloose being banned in North Korea. No. Lucy? Shuffling and gregariousness.

Shuffling and gregariousness. No, that's not banned. If anything, it's encouraged. I don't know if you've seen any of the state march-pasts in North Korea, but they are both gregarious and, from my point of view, pretty shuffly. Oh, it is racist. Another point for Richard. The Bangles are banned from Banbury.

The Bangles ban Banner Wrangler, Stan the Man Bangle. Bang Banbury's ban Stan Badler, Stan the Man Bangle, banged Banbury's bandstand badly, backing the band's van. David Cameron is banned from the Shepherd's Hut Society for allegedly bringing it into disrepute. Donald Trump accidentally banned himself from his own social media

platform, Truth Social. He's also banned from entering Miss World. She's made that very clear. Richard. Did he accidentally ban himself from his own social media site? No. Sounded so plausible, didn't it? Listen, I know up to now he's been pretty faultless,

but that, I just felt lazy. Trump has also been banned from Kenny's Wee Crazy Golf Shack in Aberdeen, Melania's Bedroom, France, Chuck E. Cheese and Sheffield. Ria. The mini golf place in Scotland. Doesn't he have his own golf course anyway? So I bet they just did it out of spite. They might have done, but no.

I don't know if it even exists, Kenny's Wee Crazy Golf Shack. I would have put money on that being right. Lucy. Can I go for Sheffield? Because I love Sheffield. You're right. It's Sheffield. Yes, Sheffield's Lord Mayor, Majid Majid,

banned Donald Trump from Sheffield during a city council meeting in 2018. And he declared in a subsequent tweet, I, Majid Majid, Lord Mayor and first citizen of this city, hereby declare that not only is Donald J Trump a waste man... LAUGHTER ..but he is also henceforth banned from the great city of Sheffield. Oh, that's...

APPLAUSE Quite the proclamation, isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah. Your move, Kenny's golf shack. Two French boxers once kissed for so long at the end of their match that the French Boxing Federation banned kissing in the ring. My wife operates the same system. In China, funerals were banned for three months in 2021

as it was felt they sent out a bad message. Ria. That one. Funerals banned? Yes. No. If you are lucky enough to die in China, you're not allowed to swell the numbers of mourners

attending your funeral by booking strippers or laying on an all-you-can-eat noodle bar. Unbelievable truth host David Mitchell is banned from Gibraltar Literature Festival after telling the audience at a book signing they were no better than the stupid little apes on their stupid little rock. A statement he stands by to this day.

Thank you, Marcus. So, Marcus, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that North Korea has banned sarcasm. Oh, well done. In an attempt to crack down on dissent, North Korea has banned people from making sarcastic comments Yn ymdrech i ddod i lawr ar ymdrech, mae Cymru wedi llaw pobl o wneud sylwadau sarcastig am Kim Jong-un neu'i rheolau yn eu sgwrsiau bob dydd.

Y llaw ddwy, yw bod y Foddfa Frenin yn llaw i gosod yn y ryn, yn benodol ar ddiwedd gwrtaith. A'r llaw tair, yw nad ydych yn cael i chi ddynnu'r nifer o mornau yn ymweld â'ch ffyniad dros ystriperiaid. China, you're not allowed to swell the numbers of mourners attending your funeral by booking strippers. China has a bizarre tradition whereby strippers are hired to perform at funerals, supposedly to give the deceased a good send-off and to attract a large crowd of mourners. However, in 2015, after reports of some obscene performances at funerals in the east of the country, as well as incidents involving performers inviting grieving men on stage to remove their clothes, the Chinese Ministry of Culture issued a formal ban. And that means, Marcus, you've scored three points.

In 2010, Ghana outlawed the sale of second-hand underpants as being unhygienic and unclean. An outrageous smear was what provoked the ban. In 2019, the city of Berkeley in California announced a ban on the use of the word manholes due to its associations with the patriarchy. They are now known as street vaginas. due to its associations with the patriarchy. They are now known as street vaginas. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is the French,

natives, citizens or inhabitants of France. Off you go, Lucy. The French are renowned for their terrible food. Anything good there was in fact nicked from somewhere else. Toulouse sausages were originally German, the croissant was invented in Austria, and the idea of eating snails in garlic butter was first hit upon by an English gardener who was having a nervous breakdown. French fries are actually just good old English chips, but they look thinner because they're further further away. France has no national football team to speak of,

but other sports such as competitive eye-rolling, drug-assisted cycling and baguette javelin are quite popular. Marcus? I've seen drug-assisted cycling. They call it the Tour de France. Interesting. I mean, that's not the title at the Tour de France. Well, interesting. I mean, that's not the title of the sport.

I think it's called cycling, and I don't think that's for short. But I think... I'll go for it as a truth. Do they have a separate drug-assisted cycling event? No, obviously not, because in the real cycling, they all are. Yes. But it would be a very good way of convincing people they're not. If you went, oh, no, this is a separate event for people taking drugs. No, it would be interesting to have a special drug-assisted cycling, but in which practising cycling is cheating.

People's first go on a bike, absolutely ripped to the tits on steroids. Absolutely ripped to the tits on sterile. Fast balls of muscle. They don't even know how to ring the bell. There have been allegations of doping in the Tour de France since the race began in 1903, it says here. Early tour riders consumed alcohol and used ether, as well as strychnine, cocaine and chloroform as a means of dulling the pain of competing in endurance cycling. So I would say there has been

drug-assisted cycling at the highest level in France, and I'm willing to give you a bonus point for that. Ria? I can't do a lot of sports, but I could do baguette javelin. So I want that to be a sport. Are you saying you think it's true or are you just asking people to start it up? Well, actually, if people started it up, then it would be true. So then I would get a point either way. I can't give points for things that will become true in the future. We have to take the world as it is now.

And as it is now, there is no such sport as baguette javelin. But if I start throwing them between now and when it airs, you're going to look really silly. I certainly... And for that commitment, you would deserve the point. Although there has never been a single prosecution in France for football-related violence, some of their sports have developed

a toxic culture. Players of French cricket can be so poorly behaved that they have to be sent stern French letters or given a French dressing down. While the world of boule has been rocked by so-called bouliganism, this hasn't diminished the sports appeal and the 2016 national final remains the most popular broadcast in French TV history.

Marcus. I do think, because it's so delightful, bouliganism exists. It does exist. Yes! In 2007, the French press coined the term bouliganisme to describe a spate of drunken violence during boule or petanque matches in rural France. One local petanque federation suspended all competitive matches following a series of brawls and acts of vandalism on the pitch. Unlike football, it's the players, not

the spectators who are involved. Because, of course, there are no spectators. The Channel Tunnel was entirely an English idea. France was initially opposed to its construction because they were worried that the British railway network might be contagious. Naturally shabby dresses,

the French have had to enact strict laws forcing them to smarten up. In Paris, nylon slacks for men have been prohibited by law since 1973, the wearing of trousers by women was only legalised in 2013, and wearing socks with sandals remains punishable by guillotine to this day. Marcus.

I'm going to have a punt at women wearing trousers, even though it wasn't observed that officially it was on the statute book until 2013. You're absolutely right. There it is. Although not enforced, it was against the law for women to wear trousers in Paris until 2013 when the French government overturned a law introduced in 1800 which stated that women needed to have the permission of the local police if they wanted to, quote, dress like a man and wear trousers. By 1909, women were allowed to wear trousers but only if they were holding bicycle handlebars

or the reins of a horse. but only if they were holding bicycle handlebars or the reins of a horse. Paris has only one art gallery, the Louvre, and its most famous painting is that one of the dogs playing poker, which was done by an Englishman. France had no native artists at all until the 1950s when they invented the Etch-a-Sketch and could finally express themselves,

leading to the famous movie line, Etch-a-Sketch me like one of your French girls. Marcus. Did the French invent Le Etch-a-Sketch? They certainly did, yes. APPLAUSE The Etch-a-Sketch was invented by French electrical engineer André Cassagne in the 1950s.

The early model was operated with a joystick, but it was redesigned to have turning knobs to mimic a television set. Mm. This obscure knowledge of France that I have is not going to help with the misleading false claim on Wikipedia that I am, in fact, a French citizen. Which I think is based on I can speak a bit of French, and that was enough for Wikipedia to go,

yeah, he's probably French. Well, you do like both jazz and cheese, which is very un-British. Mais c'est vrai. Oh! As anyone who's ever driven in Paris will know, 85% of French drivers have never passed a driving test. In Paris, there is no legal requirement for cars to have indicators, there are no stop signs anywhere in the city and stopping at traffic lights is optional.

The logic being that most major junctions are usually blocked by a lorry load of burning sheep anyway. Marcus. I think there's no legal requirement to have indicators. I have driven in Paris and if they have got them, they certainly don't use them. There is a legal requirement for cars to have indicators in France. Well, someone should tell the French.

Well, you're one of them. Why don't you have the word for it? Ria. Are there no stop signs in Paris? There are no stop signs in Paris. They only have traffic lights. The city did have one stop sign at the exit of a construction facility, but because of its fame, it was stolen so often Mae'r ardal yn cael lliwiau traffig. Roedd y ddinas un ardal ar y gwaith ar y gweithgaredd o sefydliad adeiladu, ond oherwydd ei ffyn, roedd yn cael ei ddynu'n aml. Yn 2016, fe wnaethon nhw ddim ei roi yn ei lle.

Diolch, Lucy. Lucy, ar ddiwedd y rhan hon, rydych chi wedi llwyddo un gwirionedd yn ystod yr olaf o'r panel, a dyna'r gwasanaeth a d croissant wedi'i ddynnu yn Austriw. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Lucy, bod chi wedi cyrraedd un pwynt. Yn ystod y lefel o weithgaredd, mae'r Ffrens yn arwain y ffordd gan gael sex am gyfnod o 137 o gyfnod o flwyddyn. Ac mae'r ffigwr yn uchel iawn os ydych chi'n cynnwys sex â'u partneriaid.

Yn ddiweddar yw Rhiolina. Rhi, mae'ch bwnc yn ystod ystod. Gwybod yn aml, ond yn credu'n anhygoel yn ymddangosol, sydd wedi'i ddychmygu i gael effaith, naill ai yn ddigon, ar ddiweddarau y dyfodol. Yn ddiweddar, Rhi. The superstition of touching wood for good luck is uniquely English. In Indonesia, they touch rubber for luck, and in France, they touch cloth.

Marcus. Do they touch rubber for luck in Indonesia? No. Good to check. In Brazil, they traditionally touch hair for good luck. The luckiest places in Rio are thought to be waxing salons. And according to medieval superstition, a woman could recover her virginity

by giving birth to seven illegitimate children. However, if she had been lucky enough to recover her virginity and found herself in the company of two pregnant women. The only way to avoid getting pregnant again was to slap her backside three times. Richard. Time out. Time out. There is a lot to unpack there.

If I might just confer with my colleagues for a moment, I might go a long way back and then leave the two of you with the virgins and say that in Brazil they touch hair for luck. They do not. I think perhaps slapping yourself

on the butt three times is thought to be a lucky way of avoiding becoming pregnant, although as I say it now out loud it does seem far-fetched, I must say. No, you're absolutely right. Alright. I shall tell my wife as soon as I get

home. According to Irish superstition, if you're in the company of two pregnant women and you don't want to become pregnant, you should slap your backside three times. It's crazy, because scientifically speaking, they've proven that if you slap a bum while having sex, it excites the nerves in the area.

Sorry. What kind of a scientist gets funding for that sort of research? Marcus, that was an odd... Was that part of the lecture? No, that was of research. Marcus. Was that part of the lecture? No, that was just... But it is true, right? I'm not after the point here. I'm after things I can take home. Yes.

Please, Marcus, definitely take that all the way home. All right. You can play a little bit of Baguette Javelin tonight. In Zimbabwe if you are kidnapped by a mermaid but your family sheds even a single tear for you the mermaid will never return you to your family. Richard. I, is that true? The mermaid in Zimbabwe thing. Yeah, listen, I'm not... LAUGHTER

I'm just... I'm just asking for clarity. LAUGHTER Don't you take that tone with me. LAUGHTER That could be a Zimbabwean myth. It's true. It's true, you see? APPLAUSE You read these things into my tone, That could be a Zimbabwean myth. It's true. It's true, you see?

You read these things into my tone, it's about your lack of self-esteem. British Olympic diver Tom Daley won't compete without his lucky swimming trunks. He says the only time he competed without them, he was disqualified. In Greece, Tuesday the 13th is unlucky because it means they have to work three more days before the weekend. All actors are very superstitious. Colin Farrell always wears the same shamrock boxer shorts on the first day of shooting a new movie, even for the sex scenes.

Helen Mirren does all her dress rehearsals with her bra on inside out. Ralph Fiennes never did an audition unless he had a picture of a dog in his wallet. And not even his dog, just a random one he downloaded from the internet. Marcus. Yeah, Fiennes is bonkers. I reckon he had a picture of a dog in his wallet. A random dog. For luck.

No. No? Lucy. I just was going to go, Helen Mirren wears a bra inside out just because I want to allow Radio 4 listeners to think about Helen Mirren's breasts for a bit longer. I really was. Yes, it's all they're thinking about.

Yeah. No, it's not true. And that's the end of Ria's lecture. And, Ria, at the end of that round, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that, according to medieval superstition, a woman could recover her virginity by giving birth to seven illegitimate children.

Second truth is that Tuesday the 13th is traditionally seen as unlucky in Greece. The main reason given is the fact that Constantinople fell into the hands of Western crusaders on Tuesday the 13th of April 1204. And the third truth is that Colin Farrell always wears the same shamrock boxer shorts on the first day of shooting a new movie. He says, they're my lucky charm, and if I don't have them with me, I won't come out of the trailer. I'd shoot myself. And that means, Ria, you've scored three points. The Blarney Stone in Ireland is kissed by over 400,000 people each year.

According to superstition, it brings the kisser good luck. According to doctors, herpes. It's now the turn of Richard Osman. Richard is the author of a series of best-selling crime novels, which finally explains what he was doing on his laptop while co-hosting Pointless. Your subject, Richard, is hippopotamuses or hippos, large semi-aquatic mammals native to sub-Saharan Africa. Off you go, Richard.

The hippopotamus has a close relation named the unhippopotamus. The unhippopotamus is exactly the same as the hippopotamus, but it listens to Simply Red and wears Crocs. If you are ever charged by a hippopotamus, the best advice is to contact your credit card issuer immediately. Hippos are fairly harmless, however. They never kill humans, they can't run, they can't swim, and their only real chance in the triathlon is the cycling.

Marcus. I think they can't swim. You're right. They can't. Yes, their bodies are too dense to float, so they almost always maintain some contact with the bottom, either running along the bottom or pushing up off it to propel themselves through the water.

It is a little-known fact that a sleeping hippopotamus is called a kippopotamus. There was briefly a very rare ewe kippopotamus at Glasgow Zoo, but it is now in Rwanda. The minor bird in Africa often impersonates the mating call of a male hippo to attract the attention of female hippos, a trick also occasionally attempted by Rory Bremner. Hippos have four stomachs, three testicles, eight spleens, the largest brain of any land mammal and a little pouch to carry their groceries.

Lucy. Three testicles for more mating. For more mating. You've made it sound so seductive. A third ball for more mating. You've made it sound so seductive. A third ball for more mating. The name's Bond. I, of course, have my third ball for more mating. No, they've only got two testicles.

For a normal amount of mating. Really. Do they have four stomachs? For more eating. No, they have a single three-chambered stomach, which I think you could argue is three stomachs, but you couldn't argue with four. So don't try!

They've told me to show more authority. It is a little-known fact that the offspring of a hippo and a dolphin is called a flippopotamus. Now, I'm not here to hippo shame, but it is true that hippopotamuses have put on a bit of weight. The largest hippo ever weighed topped the scales at over 17 tonnes, though this was just after Christmas and hippos always weigh a bit more in January.

Marcus. I'm not sure that the biggest hippo was 17 tonnes, but I think maybe generally hippos are getting heavier. That's certainly what I've observed. You're absolutely right. They are. Hippopotamuses are a lot heavier than they once were. Fossil records show that the first hippos were considerably more slender than their modern descendants.

They were about the size of an overgrown sheep and weighed just a few hundred pounds. The skin alone of a hippo today can weigh as much as a tonne. A tonne of skin. Hippo milk is now available in many UK health food stores. It tastes a little like soy milk, but please don't let that put you off. Hippo milk looks bright pink, smells like chocolate... Marcus. Hippo milk is pink it is you've

had it of course it's bright pink it says here the milk itself is creamy white but hippos secrete an oily liquid known as blood sweat which which mixes with the milk and turns it pink. It's why it makes such extraordinarily good cheese. The word hipporama means racecourse, the word hippotransience means sleepwalking, and the word hippopotamonstroserquesadilia means a love of long words. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel,

which are that Rory Bremner did once impersonate the mating call of a male hippo. Bremner's wife, the sculptor Tessa Campbell Fraser, was in Kenya sketching hippos in preparation for a hippo sculpture and needed an image of a male hippo exposing its teeth angen un ffilm o hippo dynol yn ei ddysgu. Ro'i dweud, roedd Rory yn helpu gan ddysgu eu cwrdd, a wnaeth y dynion meddwl bod ganddyn nhw beist arall yn gofyn am eu gwbl. Felly pan oeddant wedi clywed gysgu Rory, rhyw fath o n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n It made them open their mouths and show their teeth in a threatening manner. It was just what I needed.

The second truth is that hippopotamonstrosesquipedaliophilia is a real word meaning a love of long words. It's also the title of a book all about long words. And that means, Richard, you've scored two points. A male hippo's testicles can be retracted inside the body to a depth of one foot, an act only achievable in humans by watching that video of Matt Hancock snogging his girlfriend.

Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Lucy Porter. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Lucy Porter. In third place, with minus four points, it's Richard Osman. In second place, with minus two points, it's Rialina. And in first place, with an unassailable seven points, yes, it's the Frenchman and the hippo milk drinker, Marcus Brigstocke.

That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Ria Lena and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesmith. Thank you.