The Unbelievable Truth - 29x05 Horror, Chefs, the Greeks, Pipes

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

29x05 26 June 2023 Lou Sanders, Phil Wang, Neil Delamere, Kerry Godliman Horror, Chefs, the Greeks, Pipes

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. I'm joined tonight by four brilliant comedians. They couldn't be more excited if they were Joe Biden in the White House canteen on sponge pudding night.

Please welcome Phil Wang, Lou Sanders, Neil Delamere and Kerry Godliman. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths, which their opponent should try to identify.

Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Phil Wang. Phil, your subject is chefs, professional cooks, typically the chief cook in a restaurant or hotel. Off you go, Phil. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. All chefs are well known for being calm, supportive and patient people.

The only reason Heston Blumenthal is thought of as a kitchen tyrant is because an anagram of his name is hateful shouting lab. And an anagram of Gordon Ramsay is so angry or mad. The high pressure environment of a restaurant kitchen drives chefs to employ all kinds of time-saving techniques. Jamie Oliver has customised his Land Rover to slow roast lamb legs under the bonnet and make butter and vanilla ice cream in the wheel drums.

So by the time he's driven to his restaurant, most of the cooking is already done. Kerry. I feel like Jamie Oliver's cooked meat in his Jeep. You're absolutely right, he has. Yes, in 2016, Jamie Oliver took delivery of a customised Land Rover Discovery, which slow cooks under the bonnet and makes

butter and ice cream in the wheel drums. It can also slow turn a rotisserie chicken and make toast in the centre console. Jamie said, I didn't think they'd actually be able to put a slow cooker next to the engine and an olive oil dispenser in the boot, but they did.

For the past three years, aspiring Greek chef Jerry Papadopoulos has won a prestigious truck stop award for best roadside eatery. Situated in a lay-by on the A19 just outside Sunderland, Jerry's kebab van now has an impressive four Michelin tyres. In China, you can order from British takeaways that serve authentic British delicacies, like warm lager, overcooked yet somehow cold vegetables... ..and plain beef.

All delivered to your home by rail replacement bus. These British takeaways even have takeaway-style names, like Golden Bulldog, Caucasian Delight, and.....and Taste of Yeovil. Lou? You probably can order British takeaways in China. You must be able to. Technically, Hong Kong was a British takeaway from China.

But they aren't dedicated takeaways. They might be a sort of... You're telling me in China you cannot get a dedicated takeaway that's English. Of course you can check your facts. I Think you're relying a lot on just how big China is and how impossible this will be to verify If it's a new fine dining experience you're after, look no further than Japan, where a chef cooked and served

his own penis and testicles. He charged $250 a plate, which left a number of diners feeling shafted. LAUGHTER Kerry. I think that happened. It happened. Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In 2012, a Japanese man cooked and served his own genitals to paying diners.

Mayo Sugiyama, who identifies as asexual and whose genitalia had already been surgically removed, posted the following tweet. full penis testes scrotum as a meal for 100,000 yen. We'll prepare and cook as the buyer requests at their chosen location. Five people accepted his offer, consuming the ingredients garnished with button mushrooms and Italian parsley for $250 per plate. Guests said that the genitalia were very rubbery... ..and tasted of very little. He said that the genitalia were very rubbery... HE GRUNTS

..and tasted of very little. Now, I don't think, if I... I mean, I'm a long way from saying I'd be up for having someone else's penis cooked and served to me, but had I eaten it, I would say, that was delicious, thank you very much. Wouldn't you? Would you give a genuine review? Do you know why it wasn't all that?

Next time you cook your own cock, maybe season it a bit more. I mean, how could they? You've just got to say, delicious, thank you, and on some level, I'm sure that was worth it. I mean, it's cost you $250, but it's cost him a damn sight more. Do you know, when you started that sentence, I'm a long way from, I thought half the audience thought you were going to go with cooking my own cocktail.

Yes. Well, certainly, if I was ever going to cook my own penis, I'm not going to now when I realise how rude people can be. Also, David, you might just get the one portion out of yours, might you? LAUGHTER Also, you wouldn't serve it with button mushrooms, either. LAUGHTER I would serve it with a flattering garnish.

You know, poppy seeds. LAUGHTER But, yes, I mean, it's completely put me off the idea. Phil. In Japan, women have warmer hands than men. However, because of this, it is believed women can't be sushi chefs, as their hot, hot hands will cook the fish, turning what is meant to be a delicate nigiri into essentially kippers on rice. In a turning of the tables, pigs in Sweden became unionised in 2017,

making it illegal to slaughter them on weekends. And chickens in California now have their own personal chefs who plate up for them their favourite meals, like corn and random bits of the ground. Kerry. I want to believe in a unionised pig. It's... Well, you can't. It hasn't happened yet. You should read Animal Farm, I think you'd like that a lot.

This lecture about chefs is now done. Ding-ding, service! Thank you, Phil. And at the end of that round, Phil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that an anagram of Gordon Ramsay is so angry or mad, as is sad Roman orgy. Anagrams of Heston Blumenthal include the non-lethal bums and hell-bent moth anus.

non-lethal bums and hell-bent moth anus. The second truth you managed to smuggle is that it is believed in Japan that women can't be sushi chefs on the grounds that their hands are too warm. And the third truth is that chickens in California now have their own personal chefs. Not all of them. In 2018, the Washington Post revealed how wealthy chicken owners in Silicon Valley have hired personal chefs for their birds. And that means, Phil, you've scored three points. APPLAUSE OK, we turn now to Kerry Godlyman. Kerry, your subject is pipes, hollow cylinders typically used

for conveying liquid or gas, for smoking tobacco or for making music. Off you go, Kerry. There is an endless number of fascinating pipes, from bagpipes, national instrument of England, to blowpipes, still used today by indigenous hunters in the Amazon jungle for smoking blow. Neil. I think, counterintuitively,

bagpipes are the national instrument of England. You're right. You're right. Wow! Yes, these are bellows-blown bagpipes from north-east England. Yeah, that's the one, yeah. Yeah. Known, as you'll be familiar, Neil, as the Northumbrian...

Northumbrian pipes. The Northumbrian small pipes, yes, that's right. They're blown by bellows, and they're one of the two national instruments of England, the other being the English concertina. I think it needs updating, really, doesn't it? Though the bagpipes are now central to Scottish identity, the English were actually playing the bagpipes

hundreds of years before they were adopted by the Scots. Oh, yeah. Blue Peter once featured an item showing children how to make a smoking pipe. It was the same edition where Valerie Singleton showed you how to make artificial snow by grating asbestos. Different countries have their own intriguing words for pipes. In Hungary, they're called pipos.

In Belgium, they're called couloirs Belgium they're called cool wallet space or corridors of space while in Sweden they're called tube track Lou pipos hungry they're called pip. It's obviously, they're actually called Chevec, so... LAUGHTER Phil. I'm going to say that Corridors of Erewhon is true. Belgium, they're called Couloir de l'Espace, or Corridors of Space. Yeah. No.

Lou. I think Blue Peter showed them how to make a pipe. Do you? Yeah. Well, you've lost another point. Her face just lit up, do you? Yeah. Well, you'd lost another point. Santa, dead.

Possibly my favourite musical instrument is the nostril pipe of Burundi, although I advise you to pick up a new one rather than pre-loved or second-hand. And the same goes for that speciality of the British Virgin Islands, the arse pipe. Currently on strike in Britain are the many hedgehogs and ferrets that have been trained to carry cables through pipes.

No end to that dispute in sight. Oh, yeah, we'll clap for them, but when it comes to keeping their supplies of baby shrews in line with inflation, that's a different story. Neil. I just want that to be true. I think a ferret you could train to carry something through a pipe. It is true.

Oh! Ferrets have been trained to carry utility cables through underground pipes, particularly pipes that are too small or complex for humans to navigate. I would have thought exclusively those pipes. Surely, if it's big enough for a human, you're not going to, oh, screw it, let the ferret do it.

The ferrets wear harnesses with cables attached and are encouraged along the pipes with treats. The most famous example of ferret cabling was in the run-up to Charles and Diana's wedding in 1981, when ferrets ran TV cables through a narrow underground duct at Buckingham Palace to allow the event to be televised around the world. Wow! I didn't realise it was touch and go whether it would be televised,

but it turns out if it wasn't for ferret heroics, we would have been unaware of it all, which would, in retrospect, have been a good thing. The phrase piping hot originally referred to the optimum temperature to serve a haggis to a band of bagpipers. A scene described in the classic Robert Burns poem, "'Thank God they can't make that racket

"'while they're eating.'" Before the invention of the smartphone, people would carry around pocket pipe organs, giving rise to the famous pick-up line, is that a pipe organ in your pocket or are you just desperate for someone to invent a Samsung Android? The third largest residential pipe organ in the United States belongs to actress Jodie Foster,

while the second largest residential organ is in the Playboy Mansion. And finally, a royal bagpiper once startled King George VI by beginning to play only for a mouse to shoot out of one of the pipes. Lou. I think that's true. It's not true. It would have been quite the moment. It would have been brilliant. Four old kings, you're first Hitler and now this. LAUGHTER

It had been nesting inside the instrument in a classic case of unexpected item in the bagging area. LAUGHTER Thank you, Kerry. APPLAUSE At the end of that round, Kerry, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel. Which are... That the ass pipe, or arse pipe,

is a musical instrument from the British Virgin Islands, which is made from a car exhaust pipe and played like a tuba. The second truth is that people used to carry around pocket pipe organs. A tiny pocket pipe organ, known as a portative organ or organetto, was one of the most popular instruments of the 13th and 14th centuries. And the third truth is that the second largest residential pipe organ is in the screening room of the Playboy Mansion. Oh, that's great.

And that means, Kerry, you've scored three points. APPLAUSE Next up is Lou Sanders. Oh, that's good. And that means, Kerry, you've scored three points. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Next up is Lou Sanders. One of Lou's earliest jobs was working in a pet shop. Mice, gerbils, hamsters and guinea pigs were just some of the little creatures she fed to the snakes. LAUGHTER Lou, your subject is accidents, unfortunate and unforeseen events

which typically result in damage or injury. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Off you go, Lou. There are more than 300 banana-related accidents a year in Britain. What a clumsy fruit. They're costing the NHS so much that the Daily Mail is trying to ban them.

Kerry. I think there are loads of banana... People stick them into things, don't they? Do they? Yeah. I spoke to an A&E nurse about it and she said that. They're just out of curiosity. Bananas are constantly being shoved into things. That's the human nature, isn't it? Let's put that in there. You're right, there are more than...

Oh! They stick them in. According to The Guardian, more than 300 banana-related accidents annually in Britain. Annually? Annually. Most involving not insertions, but people slipping on banana skins. According to the National Accident Helpline, the kitchen is the most dangerous room in the house,

with, it says here, a 60% chance of injury. Every time you go in. I don't know. Over your whole lifetime, that feels quite low. And Sheffield is the most accident-prone UK city. It's all the steel. Well, no, they don't make steel anymore in Britain. Haven't you seen the Formanti?

Don't make... Is that an offer? We don't make steel, we make some cappuccinos. Lou. Camels are the most clumsiest animals. Usually harmless stuff like just saying the wrong thing or mentioning your ex when you're with

your new partner. Anyway, they say that one camel, called Harry, went as far as accidentally shooting his owner. Neil. A camel accidentally shot his owner. Correct. Yeah. The camel was called Harry and was the first camel in Australia.

It accidentally shot its own owner, the English explorer John Horrocks. During one expedition in 1846, just as John Horrocks was standing next to Harry, adjusting his gun in order to shoot what he described as a beautiful bird, Harry nudged him hard, causing the gun to discharge into his face. John Horrocks died a few days later after issuing specific instructions for Harry to be executed. And an elephant called Bimbo received compensation

after she was involved in a car accident and completely forgot how to water ski. In LA, 33% of people have car accidents because they're trying to take selfies or videos of themselves while driving, which is very silly because no-one looks good in a car crash. of themselves while driving, which is very silly because no one looks good in a car crash. And 2% of accidents in Scotland are said to involve the Loch Ness Monster. Meanwhile, 20% of road accidents in Sweden involve an elk.

Neil? I really want the 20% of Swedish accidents to involve elk. Oh my God, it's so annoying. It's not true. Oh. OK. Oh, my God, he's so annoying. It's not true. Oh. It has been reported as true in a QI book following a newspaper report in 2006, but they misread the statistics, which revealed that traffic accidents in Sweden involving an elk

had gone up by 20%, not that 20% of all road accidents involved an elk. You don't want one fifth of the accidents in Sweden, people to believe that. Because then you think, like, was there one other person in Abba? And it was just killed by an elk. LAUGHTER Whenever you meet any group of Swedish people, you sort of think, I'm so sorry about your...

You know, those who would have been here were it not for the elk. Kerry. I think it was about percentages. That list of... One of them's true. It's 33% selfies in LA or 2% Scottish accent caused by the Loch Ness Monster. I'm going to go with LA. It's not true. Oh, it's the Loch Ness Monster!

No. Do you want a buzz? No, that's not true. Oh! What a deceptive list of stats. This monster. Do you want a buzz? No, that's not true. What a deceptive list of stats. Lou. A Texan funeral home has an accident where six different caskets on six different occasions flew out the back of the car before they got the door fixed. Lou. Lou? Lou?

I just thought someone would buzz in after that, so I did it to encourage them. Kerry. I'm going to say that's... That's crazy, Kerry. I fell for your trap. I can't believe you fell for that. I felt compelled to go along with it. I feel so bad. Kindness doesn't pay sometimes.

No, no, well, you've lost a point, Kerry. Oh, sorry. Though in 1980, a Texas funeral home sued the publishers of the Yellow Pages for accidentally listing them under frozen foods. A 70-year-old man called Terry received £20,000 after his local hospital circumcised him by accident. He said, if I'd known I got that much, I would have done it years ago. Phil. I think a man was compensated for being circumcised.

Was he called Terry? He was called Terry, Phil. OK. You're quite right. OK. It says, yes, grandfather, Terry Brazier, was awarded an NHS payout of £20,000 after he was circumcised by accident following a mix-up with his medical notes.

The 70-year-old, captive of his local bowls club, had gone into Leicester Royal Infirmary for routine bladder treatment and partly due to an absence of feeling caused by the local anaesthetic and partly because he was chatting to the nurses during the operation, he failed to notice where the knife ended up. He later said of the accidental removal of his foreskin, it came as a real surprise. A man in North Carolina had his TV cut off when he refused to pay for pay-per-view porn. He claimed his dog had ordered it accidentally

by sitting on the remote control. He was shouting, down, boy, down, when the police came round. Sounds like my love life. And that's the end of Lou's lecture. And at the end of that round, Lou, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that an elephant called Bimbo received compensation after she was involved in a car accident

and completely forgot how to water ski. What? Surprised you didn't get that. I need way more information. In 1972, a five-year-old elephant named Bimbo, famous in the 1960s as the youngest water-skiing elephant, was awarded $4,500 compensation by the California Supreme Court after it was successfully claimed that a road accident caused her

to forget how to water ski. Photographs of the time reveal Bimbo being dragged over the sea by a speedboat with her legs strapped to a large single block of wood made to resemble water skis. Why has this never been made into a film? There's no third act. I mean, Dumbo's quite boring. This is... No, you're absolutely right.

Yes, I wasn't thinking it could being made into one of those bad films. Elephants are very good at water sports because they've always got their own trunks. Nice to have a joke about water sports that wasn't remotely sexual. The second truth is that a man in North Carolina had his television service cut off when he refused to pay for pay-per-view porn. He claimed his dog had ordered it by accidentally sitting on the...

This would make a great film as well. I want to see this animated. His dog had ordered it by accidentally sitting on the remote. The TV service pointed out that the Hustler channel had remained switched on even after Mr Barnes had called to report the accident. Maybe they'd both go together. You could play the guy. What?

In the film. The guy in the film whose dog turns on the porn, but then he leaves the porn on. Yes. Because he likes the porn. Anyway, that means, Lou, that you've scored two points. It's now the turn of Neil Delamere. Your subject, Neil, is the Greeks.

Natives, citizens or inhabitants of Greece. Off you go, Neil. Let's talk about the Elgin Marbles. I don't know if you've ever been to the British Museum, but as a non-Brit, it's like walking around a police auction. BBC's Antiques Roadshow is shown in Athens, but they call it Crimewatch. One of the most haunting sculptures in the famous frieze

depicts Sisyphus getting a kidney stone removed. In it, the doctor manages to get the stone all the way to the end of the urethra, only for it to roll back down the tube again. Ancient Olympic events such as snooker, snowboarding and competitive frisbee are also hewn into the marble. Kerry. I think that list of sports is in the marble.

It isn't. Oh. I mean, did you hear the list of sports? Snooker. I mean, I know it's easy for me, but... Snooker. Why not, though? Why not? They didn't even have spirit levels.

The ancient Greeks also liked to play with yo-yos, which are now making a comeback. Lou. I think they did yo-yos. They did? They had yo-yos. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The ancient Greeks played with yo-yos. In fact, the very first depiction of a yo-yo anywhere in the world is found on an ancient Greek vase from the 5th century BC,

which shows a Greek youth playing with it. When a boy entered manhood, his yo-yo was placed on the family altar as a ritual offering to the gods. When the Olympics were revived in 1896, it was actually intended that they'd run every two years, but the Greek national anthem is 158 verses long, and by the time it was played at the opening ceremony,

the year was 1900. Kerry. I think the Olympics were originally intended to be every two years. No, they weren't. Oh! No. A victorious ancient Olympic athlete would receive three coins, equivalent of one or two P today.

The poorer people would carry coins around in their mouths as they had no pockets in their clothes. Not that unusual. My friend Jenny frequently has coppers in her mouth, but that is mainly to get off speeding fines. Kerry. People did put coins in their mouth. You are right.

Yes! Yes, due to the fact that their clothing lacked pockets, poor people in ancient Greece carried coins in their mouths, and when someone died in ancient Greece, they were buried with a couple of coins in their mouth to pay the ferryman car on their passage across the River Styx to the underworld. To solve the pensions crisis,

they could always adapt the policy of their ancestors. In Chios, Greece, it was obligatory for people over the age of 60 to commit suicide, which is the best exotic Marigold Hotel sequel we all want to see. They built the world's first canal in 650 BC, the first pedestrian crossing in 600 BC, and the first railway in 550 BC,

though there were some issues when a man named Miccius Lincius led strike action on several occasions. Thank you, Neil. At the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the Greek national anthem is 158 verses long, known as the Hymn to Liberty.

It's the longest in the world, and many Greeks know it off by heart. However, because only the first two verses are generally sung, Uruguay claimed their national anthem, which takes a full six minutes to sing, is longer. But it isn't! Ridiculous! The second truth is that on the Greek island of Chios in the Aegean Sea, it was once obligatory for the over-sixties to commit suicide by drinking hemlock. Do you think Saga cruises still go to that island?

Do you think Saga cruises still go to that island? The third truth is that the world's first railway was built in Greece in 550 BC. Known as the Diolchos, it comprised a six kilometre long hard limestone road with grooved tracks along which large wooden flatbed chariots carrying boats and cargo were pulled by slaves or animals. And that means, Neil, you've scored three points. The Greek national motto is freedom or

death. Coincidentally, also the motto of Vodafone customers trying to terminate their contract. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus six points, we have Lou Sanders. In third place, with minus one point, it's Kerry Godleman.

And in joint first place, with one point each, it's this week's winners, Neil Delamere and Phil Wang. And in joint first place, with one point each, it's this week's winners, Neil Delamere and Phil Wang. That's about it for this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naisworth and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Neil Delamere, Phil Wang, Kerry Godleman and Lou Sanders. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash

and the producer was John Naismith. It was a random production for BBC Radio 4.