The Unbelievable Truth - 29x06 Popes, Insurance, Norway, Surgery

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

29x06 3 July 2023 Lucy Porter, Marcus Brigstocke, Richard Osman, Ria Lina Popes, Insurance, Norway, Surgery

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Please welcome Marcus Brigstock, Ria Lena, Lucy Porter and Richard Osman. The rules are as follows. Each panelist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false,

save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Marcus Brigstock. Marcus, your subject is insurance, an arrangement where, in exchange for a fee, one party agrees to compensate another

in the event of a certain loss, damage, injury or other misfortune. Off you go, Marcus. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. About a week before his wife gave birth to Jesus, Joseph of Nazareth failed to renew their travel insurance. So when they found their booking had fallen through, Mary was absolutely steaming. Joseph got the last laugh, though, when Mary pranged the family donkey outside Galilee Leisure Centre and found she'd only got third-party fire and theft cover. She blamed Jesus, who she claimed was late coming out of his swimming lesson after refusing to get in.

To this day, religious insurance policies make up around 23% of all business written by Lloyds of London. Gluten intolerance to the body of Christ has been successfully claimed on over 60 times since 1987, and there's been cover available in Scotland against an unexpected immaculate conception. Ria. Yes. Yes. Yes. A woman immaculately conceived and wanted to be paid for it. I would. Well, you've spotted the truth,

although a woman didn't immaculately conceive and then want to be paid for it. In the year 2000, three women from a Christian group in Inverness took out an immaculate conception insurance policy to pay for the cost of bringing up Christ if one of them had a virgin birth. They paid £100 annually and stood to receive £1 million

if their claim was accepted. A spokesman for Britishinsurance.com said, we sometimes get weird requests and this is the weirdest we have had. I mean, surely you would believe that God would provide, wouldn't you? You'd make a fortune if you could prove that you were the mother of Christ. I mean, imagine. You'd be on Strictly. One born every couple of thousand years, the Channel 4 show.

The insurance claim for the Titanic was only fully settled in the 1980s when a subnautical camera could establish it had in fact hit an iceberg rather than the initial suggestion that the gaiety of the Irish settled in the 1980s, when a subnautical camera could establish it had in fact hit an iceberg rather than the initial suggestion that the gaiety of the Irish dancing in the lower decks had tipped it over. Lucy.

Insurance was only finally settled in the 1980s. No. No. In fact, impressively, insurance for the Titanic was paid in full within 30 days of its sinking. They knew how to do things back then, didn't they? To be fair, the ship was insured for less than half the price of a Nissan Qashqai,

a third of the price of Dolly Parton's left breast, and a quarter of the price of Ken Dodd's teeth. Richard. It's Parton or Dodd, isn't it? But which? Parton or Dodd. Parton or Dodd. Parton or Dodd.

I'm going to say Ken Dodd. You're absolutely right. Yes. The Titanic was insured by Lloyds of London for a quarter of the price of Ken Dodd's teeth. The Titanic for £1 million. Ken Dodd's teeth for £4 million.

That said, according to the Bank of England inflation calculator, £1 million in 1912 would be worth nearly £4 million. That said, according to the Bank of England Inflation Calculator, £1 million in 1912 would be worth nearly £91 million today. Ken Dodd's teeth once hit an iceberg and sunk it. Actor Tom Cruise has one large central tooth in the middle of his mouth. It's considered the foundation for his trademark smile and is insured at just over 200 million euros. Aviva insurance no longer cover anything to do with horses. Aviva have had a claim for a randy horse mounting a car it mistook for a mare.

Richard. Horse mounting a car. Correct! Yes. In 2018, Aviva received a claim for damage to a car after a horse mistook the vehicle for a female horse and put its legs up onto the bodywork in an attempt to mount it. It's the last time I put a swishy tail on a Volvo.

The Sea Life Centre in Birmingham successfully insured its visitors from death and permanent disability occasioned by their giant crab. Thorpe Park covers its staff with vomit insurance. The Blackpool Pleasure Beach haunted house is insured against paranormal activity. The policy, called Spook Safe, insures against death from ghosts or in case a person becomes a werewolf or vampire. And the London Eye is insured against cataracts. Thank you Marcus. And at the end of that round Marcus you've managed to smuggle two

truths past the rest of the panel which are that the Sea Life Centre in Birmingham successfully insured its visitors against the risk of death and permanent disability occasioned by their giant ac wedi sicrhau ei fod yn llywodraethol o ran risg ymddygiadau a chyflawniadau parhaol sydd wedi'u cymryd gan eu crab fawr. Fodd bynnag, mae'n anodd i'r crab hyn fod yn agresif i dynion. Gallan nhw fod, os ydyn nhw'n teimlo'n ddifrifol. Os ydych yn dangos ychydig o fwyd lemon, bydd hynny'n eu troi. A'r gwirionedd ail yw bod polisi'n enw Spooksafe, sy'n sicrhau i ddod yn ymddygiad o ddyfrau, neu i gael i unrhyw berson un yn dod yn wyfyr neu fanpair.

Gallwch hefyd sicrhau eich hun yn ymdrin â chyflawniwyr. Ac yn ymddangos bod Shirley Maclaine wedi sicrhau ei hun am 25 miliwn o dollars os yw hi wedi cael ei fynnu gan gyflawniwyr. Yn ystod hynny, yn Inverness, mae'r gwblhau yn cael ei chwe miliwn o quid. Felly mae'r byd wedi mynd yn ddwy. one million quid. So it's a world gone mad. Anyway, that means, Marcus, you've scored two points. OK, we turn now to Lucy Porter. Lucy, your subject is popes,

bishops of Rome and leaders of the Roman Catholic Church. Off you go, Lucy. Popes are elected at random as part of the postcode lottery. The current pope is Richard Dawkins, who is furious about it. Pope Pius XII won a bronze medal at the 1924 Winter Olympics,

Pope Francis was a surfing instructor, and Pope John Paul II was a member of the Harlem Globetrotters. Richard? I know Pope Francis did all sorts of physical things. He was a bouncer, but was he a surfing instructor? No. No. It says here he was a bouncer. Only one pope has ever done a bungee jump,

John Paul I, a.k.a. the pope on a rope. Some of the less healthy popes include Pope Alexander VI, who reportedly consumed the last dodo, Pope Julius II, who drank so much wine that his face turned permanently purple, and Pope Benedict XVI, who drank more than five times his own body weight in Fanta every year. Richard.

What was the first one? Pope Alexander VI, who reportedly consumed the last dodo. Oh, I don't like the fact that you read it out for me. Did I seem too keen? Yeah, a little bit. Well, listen, I've buzzed in now, so that's what I'm going for. You're going for that. He ate the last dodo.

He did not, I'm afraid. There's talk of regenerating dodos. They've got the DNA to do it. And I must say, I'd love to eat one. Do you know what I mean though? I mean you can't, humans don't just eat something into extinction because it's quite nice. I bet they're absolutely delicious. Yeah, we could extinct it all over again and bring it back to life extinct it. Ria. I'm gonna go with the-drinking Pope. You're absolutely right.

Aides to Pope Benedict, formerly Joseph Ratzinger, have said that he drank four cans of Fanta a day, or 1,460 per year, which calculates at more than five times his own body weight. It's thought that the German Pope Benedict may have acquired his taste for Fanta, a drink invented in Nazi Germany when they could no longer get Coca-Cola from America, during his time in the Hitler Youth.

I mean, we don't know. But it is the most Nazi of all the fizzy drinks. Just before they buried him, they took the lid off the coffin and it went... The Vatican was built in 1992 for an episode of Challenge Annika. The Vatican's Hall of Maps is officially the longest corridor in the world at 800...

Yeah, I reckon it is. I've been through it and it's really lengthy. It's so long. It's really originally built to facilitate the queue for the Sistine Chapel. The Hall of Maps longest corridor in the world? Yeah. Not true. And Lucy was going to say it was 820 metres long. That would be a lie as well. It's only 120 metres long. It's still pretty long. Yes, OK, but lie as well. It's only 120 metres long. So, you know...

It's still pretty long. Yes, OK, but she didn't say it's quite a long corridor. Lucy. It's also very wide to accommodate all the bishops who have to move diagonally. Pope Francis has more followers than anyone else on Snapchat and has co-hosted a podcast with Frank Skinner, but he hasn't watched TV since 1990

in protest at the cancellation of El Dorado. Ria. Has he just not watched telly? You're right, he hasn't watched TV since 1990. In Northern Europe, the Pope features in many national phrases meaning to have a poo. In Sweden, they say, I'm filling up the Pope's hat. In Iceland, they claim they're playing chess with the Pope.

And the Finns talk about splitting the Pope's ring. Marcus? Yeah, I think playing chess with the Pope. You're absolutely right. That's, yeah. The Icelandic idi think playing chess with the Pope. You're absolutely right. That's, yeah. The Icelandic idiom playing chess with the Pope means doing a poo. The expression originated in the 18th century and is probably part of a Lutheran tradition of disrespect for the Pope,

though nobody really knows. But if you come out and say, oh, I lost my rook early, people know. Done a Spanish opening once or twice. When a pope dies, the cardinals all give his big hat a kicking so it can't be used again. Then they chop his crozier into pieces and feed it to a buffalo, which is what gives burrata its distinctive flavour.

And finally, they split the Pope's ring. In this case, not a euphemism. Marcus. I think they chop his crozier up. They don't. Oh, no. Richard. I think they split the Pope's ring. They split his ring. When a Pope

dies, his seals are defaced and his ring, known as the fisherman's ring, is split. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that Pope John Paul II was a member of the Harlem Globetrotters. What?

He was made an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters. What? He was made an honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters, a US basketball team, in 2000, as a mark of gratitude for his work and possibly to promote the Globetrotters' 75th anniversary. And that means, Lucy, you've scored one point. Next up is Ria Lina. Ria, your subject is surgery, a branch of medical practice that treats injuries, diseases and other conditions

by the physical removal, repair or readjustment of organs and tissues. Off you go, Ria. Before sutures, ants' heads were used to hold the edges of a wound together by biting through it and making a stitch. Their bodies were then covered in chocolate and fed to the patient for nutrition. Surgeons are all known to be the most modest and self-effacing of medical practitioners. One notable exception was the infamous surgeon David Arndt, who left the theatre in the middle of an operation

just to cash his paycheck. Female surgeons have outnumbered male surgeons ever since they were first allowed to perform surgery after they'd been allowed to vote to be allowed to vote to allow themselves to perform surgery after they'd been allowed to vote to be allowed to vote to allow themselves to perform surgery. Marcus. I think female surgeons weirdly might outnumber male surgeons around the globe. They do not.

Richard. Did they have to vote to be able to vote to be able to vote themselves to be able to perform surgery? I no longer understand what's going on. No, I don't think... I think that was just Ria referring to the fact of women not being allowed to vote in elections until a certain point.

And since the women had the franchise, egalitarianism has been ushered in completely and there is no longer any division between the sexes in any of the major professions. Phew, feminism happened and now everything's fine. Appendectomies carried out by women outnumber those by men seven to one because if a male surgeon couldn't locate the appendix, they would refuse to ask for directions.

One woman delivered her own baby by C-section using a kitchen knife because her husband wasn't listening when she told him she was in labour. They named the baby Pro-Cook Professional X-50 Micarta, which, to be fair, is a very good knife. Lucy. Can we deliver our own babies by C-section? Yes, we can. Well, yes, a woman delivered her own baby by C-section using a kitchen knife.

Yes. Correct. delivered her own baby by c-section using a kitchen knife. Correct. In 2004 a pregnant 40 year old Mexican woman successfully performed a cesarean on herself. According to a local doctor she took three small glasses of hard liquor and using a kitchen knife sliced her abdomen in three attempts and delivered a male infant who breathed immediately and cried. So that, I would say, was pretty impressive. Science fiction and fantasy have had a profound effect on the development of surgery.

They have inspired, among other things, the infamous bagel head procedure, where recipients can have saline-injected flesh bagels on their foreheads for special occasions, and the downright dubious Mr Tumnus procedure, where your legs are detached at the knees and sewn on again backwards to make you look like a fawn. Marcus. Yeah it's not the fawn stuff but I do think that science fiction has inspired ideas where surgery is concerned. Has it? I don't know Is it written down? What is written down is that warfare has probably had the most profound effect on the development of surgery.

And yet people still talk it down, don't they? Absolutely. In Buffalo, New York, if you're a teacher, plastic surgery is free. In 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow became the most prominent celebrity to undergo an aura transplant. She received it from a donor who was happy to have the weight off her shoulders, and Gwyneth was thrilled to effervesce all over, and not just out of her ass.

Marcus? I mean, I've reached a point in my life where anyone suggesting any floaty nonsense about Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm inclined to think it's probably true, so I'm going for an aura transplant on Gwyneth Paltrow, I'm inclined to think it's probably true. So I'm going for an aura transplant on Gwyneth. No, I'm sorry. It was a decent bet. Yeah, yeah. But no, this particular bonkers thing she has not as yet asserted. I'll give it time. She was a pioneer of vaginal steaming.

She recommends it, and my assumption has always been that she uses a freshly toasted pita bread. There's no steam hotter or purer than that. And it's roughly the right shape, so... And it's roughly the right shape, so... I mean, you do get banned from the kebab shop, I will say. I don't know how Gwyneth Paltrow steams her vagina. She won't answer my letters. Thank you, Ria.

And at the end of that round, Ria, you ar ddiwedd y rhan hon, Ria, rydych chi wedi llwyddo 4 gwirioneddau. Yn gyntaf, yn ystod y suturion, roedd gwylltau ants i'w ddefnyddio i ddal ar y llwyth o'r llwyth gan ysgogi trwy'r llwyth a gwneud stich. Gallai gwyllt gael ambell gwyllt gael ei ddynu, fel llwyth o dynion ar sweter. Yn ystod dynion ar llwyth. Yn ystod y dydd, roedd gweithiwr David Arndt yn gadael y theatr yn y cyfnod o gweithredu

i ffwrdd ei ffwrdd. Roedd ei cleifion yn anesthetig gyda chynnydd agored ar ei chyfrif. Roedd ei llisens meddwl wedi'i ddynu gan y Gwlad Masysg. Yn ystod y dydd, incision on his back. His medical license was later revoked by the state of Massachusetts. The third truth is that there is a form of cosmetic surgery which involves molding your forehead into the shape of a bagel. What? Hang on.

Yeah. Does it say why? It's a fashion that emerged in Japan, and I suppose it's to look a bit different for a party With a nice new cardigan I mean you preach into the And the fourth truth is that in Buffalo New York if you're a teacher Plastic surgery is free and that means Rhea you've scored four points And that means, Ria, you've scored four points. In 2007, a Jack Russell called Desmond needed surgery after swallowing his owner's false teeth.

A terrible shock for the owner, and an even bigger one for a dog in the park who sniffed Desmond's bottom and was greeted with a broad smile. The first successful penis transplant was performed in 2016. It took several hours, but eventually the donor penis was successfully grafted onto Jeremy Clarkson's forehead. It's now the turn of Richard Osman. Your subject, Richard, is Norway, a northern European country

which occupies the western half of the Scandinavian peninsula. Off you go, Richard. Norway is both the oldest country in the world and the coldest country in the world. It is, of course, known around the world as the land of elephants. The capital, Oslo, a dense jungle paradise, is the city of tigers. Ria. Is it the coldest country in the world? No.

Oh, OK. Russia is, if you don't count Antarctica. I don't. You don't. No. Anyway, it's not Norway. They once had a prime minister whose name translated as Innocent Giraffe. Marcus.

Yes, I think his name translated to Innocent Giraffe, although now that I say that out loud, it does seem far-fetched. But I've said it now. They didn't have a Prime Minister whose name translated as innocent giraffe. Yeah, just recently, that's what I thought too. By the way, there is a term for celebrations held on Norway's coastline. That term is Fjord Fiesta. held on Norway's coastline.

That term is Fjord Fiesta. World records held by Norwegians include fastest underwater Rubik's Cube, fastest eating of a Ferrero Rocher with no hands, and fastest wedding ceremony. By the way, there is a term for gigolos who operate on Norway's coastline. That term is Fjord Escort. Rianne. a term for gigolos who operate on Norway's coastline. That term is fjord escort. Ria.

It's going to be one of the world records. My instinct was the fastest wedding ceremony because, and I reiterate, it's cold. I'm afraid that's not true. Marcus. On the basis of Ria's insistence it is cold in Norway, I think whoever had a go at solving the Rubik's Cube underwater would have done it as quickly as they can.

So I think that world record might be held by the Norwegians. It isn't. It's held by Yuxiang Du of China, and it's 3.47 seconds. Whoa. I mean, 3.47 seconds. Ria. Well, that leaves the middle. Wasn't it Ferrero Rocher?

Fastest eating of a Ferrero Rocher. Without using your hands. With no hands. You going for it? You know what? I've never gotten four points in my thing before, so I'm going to spend all my points. Well, you haven't spent that one.

Really? Because you're right. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the fastest time to eat a Ferrero Rocher chocolate with no hands is... 8.04 seconds. Norway have won the Eurovision Song Contest seven times. Norway once entered the contest with a song named It Always Rains in Sweden and caused a diplomatic incident.

ABBA refused to tour Norway for several years, Volvo halted car sales, and even to this day, IKEA refuses to name any of its wardrobes after Norwegian towns. Lucy? That's the kind of petty thing IKEA would do. Well, it isn't specifically a petty thing they have done, I'm afraid. IKEA's wardrobes and hall furniture are all named after places in Norway.

Their sofas, coffee tables and bookshelves are named after places in Sweden. Their dining tables and chairs are named after places in Norway. Their sofas, coffee tables and bookshelves are named after places in Sweden. Their dining tables and chairs are named after places in Finland. There have been complaints in Denmark that IKEA's lesser products, such as doormats and draft excluders, are named after Danish places. So that specifically is the petty thing that IKEA has done. But, yeah.

Lots of British celebrities have second jobs in Norway. Les Dennis is Minister for Transport. Amanda Holden is the Chancellor of Bergen University. Anna Ford is a famous pop star. Harry Hill is a much loved detective. And Terry Christian reads the evening news.

Marcus? Yes, I think Terry Christian reads the evening news. Sounds like a bit of a Norwegian name, doesn't it? Exactly. Yeah, no. Lucy. Anna Ford is such a generic name, but is that Ford, Fjord? Yeah, Anna Ford.

No. You were lured into that with all the Fjord Ford talk. I was, wasn't I? Absolutely. I'm a long way into this now. Is Les Dennis the Minister of Transport? No.

No, he isn't. Ria? The one we haven't said yet. There's two. One of them's Amanda Holden is in charge of something. Chancellor of Bergen University. Harry Hill is a much-loved detective. I'm going to go with Amanda Holden.

No. Ria, no. Harry Hill. Magnus. Harry Hill. Is a detective. You're right. Yes, Harry Hill is probably Norway's most popular

fictional detective and the main character in crime author Joe Nesbo's best-selling book series. His surname translates as Hill in English, but in Norwegian it's pronounced Ulle. Harry Hill is played by Michael Fassbender in the 2017 psychological thriller The Snowman. Is that the one where the boy comes down and he's all melted in the morning? Because I've read that.

It's not much of a mystery, to be honest. It is in Norway. It's really cold there. It's a Norwegian version of the snowman. Snowman's there all year. Gradually going yellow around the ankles because the family have a dog. Richard. Oslo has consistently been voted both the most exciting

and most boring city in Europe. Highlights of a trip to Oslo include the Museum of Paper, the National Gallery of Reindeer Art, the world's smallest iceberg, and the Arne Norsgaard Institute, home to the largest collection of frozen animal droppings in the world. Ria. Frozen animal droppings, cos it's cold.

No. Lucy. Let's do reindeer art, go for it. No. No. Marcus, you don't need to join in with this. The previous paragraph absolutely destroyed you lot. Yeah.

What is it? The world's smallest iceberg. No! Ria. Museum of paper. No! They have so many trees. It is also home to Europe's first underwater restaurant

and the first oxygen restaurant, where each dish is flavoured air. Included on TripAdvisor's list of reasons to visit Oslo are proximity to airport and at least you can tick it off the list. There is a term for people who dry their clothes using the maritime breezes on Norway's coastline. That term is fjord Sierra. It is illegal in Norway to visit a neighbour without asking permission, to change your surname without permission from everyone else with that surname,

or to use a lawnmower without permission from a local priest. By the way, there is a term for people who live on Norway's coastline and have a crush on the singer of Simply The Best. That term is Fjord Kortina. Thank you, Richard. And at the end of that round, Richard, you have managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that Oslo is nicknamed the City of Tigers, or Tiger City.

The second truth is that Norway is home to Europe's first underwater restaurant. It accommodates 40 diners and sinks five metres beneath the North Sea, resembling a sunken periscope. And the third truth is that in Norway, it is illegal to change your surname without permission from everyone else with that surname. A surname is considered to be protected in Norway if it's used by fewer than 200 people. And that means, Richard, you've scored three points, which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus ten points, we have Marcus Brickstock. In third place, with minus four points, it's Lucy Porter.

In second place, with one point, it's Rialina. And in first place, with an unassailable two points, is this week's winner, Richard Osman. Back to America this week. Goodbye. The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Nesmith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Marcus Brigstocke, Lucy Porter, Rialina and Richard Osman. The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was in the current series.