The Unmade Podcast - 98: A Spray Tan and Wrinkly Fingers

Episode Date: November 19, 2021

Hover - register your domain now and get 10% off by going to hover.com/unmade - https://www.hover.com/Unmade Support us on Patreon - https://www.patreon.com/unmadeFM Join the discussion of this episode on our subreddit - https://redd.it/qxldo0 Catch the podcast on YouTube where we often include accompanying videos and pictures - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCkIRMZDOKKKs-d14YPmLMxg USEFUL LINKS Watch this episode on YouTube - lots of great clips throughout and a few surprises - https://youtu.be/1qsxF4_nhhs The previous water episode - https://www.unmade.fm/episodes/episode67 The Maldives - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maldives Pictures of Spoon of the Week - https://www.unmade.fm/spoon-of-the-week

Oh, there's a giant crab on the steps. It was massive. Can you hear the water lapping? I just have to go to the toilet, man. That water lapping's very evocative. Well, the water is way deeper than when we did our trial run. It's like up to my chest. Can you see me on the computer?

Yeah. All right. We're all? Yeah. All right. We're all good then. All right. So, this is a very special episode of the Unmade Podcast, Tim. We've talked before. We've even recorded an episode in the sea. And if you remember, I really liked the idea of doing entire episodes at sea.

Well, in the water, my body of water idea it's coming true today are you going to last the whole episode out there uh i don't know let's see let's see how long we go let me paint a picture for people listening i'm currently on holiday in the moldaves and i'm we're staying in one of those overwater villas and i've set up my laptop right on the edge of this little platform we have over the sea where Tim and I are zooming. But I'm pretty far from the computer. But because I've got my Bluetooth headphones in in the sea, Tim and I can still hear each other. I've got two GoPros set up. And then I've just sort of walked down the steps from the villa into the sea.

And I'm standing in the sea up to my chest in water holding a Zoom recorder so I can get a decent quality recording. And Tim and I are about to do some quality podcasting. Tim, what does it look like from where you are? Where are you? Well, I'm in Adelaide and I'm in an office. Is that what you mean? Or do you mean the view of you? Well, I start with you.

All right. I'm in my regular office at Malvern Uniting Church next to a big window, which have a beautiful view normally, but it's dark now because it's the evening. One of the parents of one of the young people that's in another part of the building just, you know, did the whole slowly show your face coming in from the side of the window sill to scare the absolute living daylights out of me trick he was very successful my lights on i've got the microphone here i have an iced coffee and i'm staring at one of my best friends on the other side of the world at a resort i mean

it doesn't get any more sad depressing than that at a resort. I mean, it doesn't get any more sad and depressing than that. Can you actually see me or do you just see the sea or can you actually see me like as I'm waving to you? No, you're really prominent. It'll be funny when you watch this later. You're very clearly the main thing in the screen. So, yeah.

Okay. All right. If you get further away and I start calling out, Wilson, Wilson! Send for help. And my wife is currently taking some pictures for us as well. She's behind the cameras taking some stills. All this stuff will be on the video in all the usual places.

The shot sort of has a banister there, which is like, you know, I know it's the edge of the balcony and then there's a little net thing, which you've been telling me is where you lay out on. So it's sort of because of where the laptop needs to be, it's a bit askew, but very clear shot of you and some crystal clear water. Just beautiful. It is.

Normally you can see all the fish and sharks and stingrays and all sorts of stuff. There's not much around me at the moment. It's a little lull in sea life proceedings. So I should be safe from attack. Well, I'll let you know if something appears in the background or if I start hearing some... Dernan.

Dernan. Dernan, dernan, dernan. It'd be the most amazing podcast episode ever if I got attacked by a shark like live while we're recording. That would be gold. Yes. Don't make me want it to happen. Let's be honest.

I know there's only one thing you really want to talk about. So, should we get that out the way first? Absolutely. I mean, this is massive news. Massive news. All right. All right. So, prior to this episode, prior to this holiday, in fact, it must have been a month or two ago now, my wife said to me, one of the things my wife does before a holiday is she'll sometimes have a spray tan because she thinks it's nice to look really bronzed and lovely right from day one. spray tan because she thinks it's nice to look really bronzed and lovely right from day one and she said to me offhand you should have one too why don't i book one for you at the same time and i kind of very offhandedly said yeah okay you know try anything once so i agreed to it so we're

both booked in and then the day before the holiday i actually had to go and have the spray tan and that's when like reality set in this was a new experience for me and then yeah if if agreeing to that was foolish enough the other really foolish thing i did was i told tim i'm going for a spray tan and uh i regret that this is the highs and lows of your life a week ago you're having a metal pinned to you by Prince Charles, a week later you're getting a spray tan. And I think that's modern life right there, the high and low. That is unbelievable. I think this is slightly closed-minded of you. You know, I always think of you as quite a liberal guy, quite up for anything,

and you just can't come to terms with the spray tan. No, no. and you just can't come to terms with the spray tan. No. No. I have pride. It's not closed-minded to hold on to your dignity. I mean, come on.

I have to say, it was not the most dignified. One second. Yeah. You need to say that the other reason why I have a spray tan is because I don't like to go in the sun because the sun's bad for you. Okay. So that's why. I don't know if you heard any of that, Tim. My wife's shouting out footnotes from the balcony.

There was a few things she wanted to point out, only a few of which I will point out. Right. One is she wanted it to be known that one of the reasons she likes the spray tan Is she gets to look tanned without spending too much time in the sun Because the sun is very dangerous She's the patron of a skin cancer charity Do not spend too much time in the sun Yeah, so Wow, okay, so I can't disagree with that, but

No, but the other thing she wanted me to point out to you was She does have photographic evidence of the spray tan Which is where it comes to the complete lack of dignity yes because yes we went into we went into this room together and then this woman came and sprayed us both down and so i was just there in my undies with my eyes closed having the spray tan applied unbeknownst to me my wife was snapping away photos on her phone this wasn't like at Windsor Castle where you buy the photos afterwards. Is there anything you'd like to know about the process or are you just going to continue with your solemn condemnation and nothing else? Well, I think there are three stages of the loss of dignity.

I mean, sitting out in the sun all day long to go bronze is also pretty stupid, isn't it? But at least it's the traditional way. But it's terribly stupid. And then I think, okay, well, then you can go into those solar beds, right, where you can actually, you know, you lay in the bed. I think they're also not very good for you either, are they? No, they're bad. They look a bit dodgy, like you may as well sit in a microwave

for the afternoon. Yep. And then what you're talking about is is you go somewhere you stand there and someone sprays you now so i want to know there was an episode on friends right when ross accidentally had uh one side of him sprayed like four times and not the the other side of him and that's because yeah it all came out as one giant explosion but like is that what happened to you or was it more like slowly walking around you with a spray can like how did it work it was like it was slowly just going down you in like one leg and then down the other leg

i have to say it didn't feel like you were going really brown. Like it felt, when I was watching them do it to my wife, it did feel a little bit like she was being photoshopped and you were just clicking like the fill tool and suddenly it went a little bit browner. But when I was watching it happen to me, I was thinking, oh, I don't look that different. Like I don't think I'm much browner because, you know, I'm a pretty pasty white guy. And I still thought that's what I look like. pasty white guy and i still thought that's what i look like it was only when you saw the borderline where your pants were and you saw the difference between before and after that you realized oh no i'd say i am a bit browner they have done you know it has worked all right but i didn't feel i didn't feel really really deeply brown like a really tanned dude and also it comes off pretty easily and by the time you've had a shower and then you get to the Maldives and jump straight in the sea and all that sort of stuff you've kind of I feel like

you've lost it a bit but apparently apparently it works apparently it makes me look a bit healthier and nicer I don't know I don't know do you realize you're not actually healthier though like it's not no I know I know but if you're coming on a trip to the Maldives, it's all about being a bit posy and looking fancy, isn't it? Is it? So this was a man or a woman with a spray can? It was a woman with a spray can. It was a woman.

And she was holding sort of like a gun with a long hose. Is that how it is? Yeah, a hose and a little gun and a little bottle of the liquid underneath the gun. So it's like when people do that with paint, like when people are spraying cars. It reminded me a lot of when you're seeing cars getting sprayed. And this was done in, it's like a room or a shower area

or just out the back in the alley? It was in a room, but then they set up this little tent, like a little teepee-type tent that you stand in as well so that, you know, yeah, it catches all the spray so it doesn't, like, you know, go all over the place and all over the wall. So you're in this kind of, yeah, this sort of cloth tent that's tall enough for you to stand up.

It's like a one-person stand-up tent. And she's in it with you or you're in it there must be a no you're in it and she's out she's she's just outside the door and she's putting you in different poses like so if you can see me now man she'll say okay stand like this side on okay now turn around and do it the other way now let me do your front of your legs now the back of your legs and you just stand in all the positions she says so that she can get all the angles it's a bit like when you're getting the metal detector treatment at the airport now the back of your legs, and you just stand in all the positions, she says, so that she can get all the angles. It's a bit like when you're getting the metal detector treatment at the airport, by the looks of it, the way you're standing.

Yes, yes. It is just like that, yep. Imagine if that's what you had to do every time you caught a flight. Like, take off your shoes and socks, sir, step over here. Now, take everything else off. We're just going to spray you brown before you get on the plane just make sure is this what you were joking to prince charles about last week yeah he's like oh you look very pale i hope you aren't going to the mold leaves anytime soon anyway it was done i say try anything once. You should try it sometime, man. You might like it. I would not be trying it.

No? No. Well, having the beautiful, I don't know if you know that my father's Dutch, so I have this wonderful European sort of, you know, complexion. So I just sort of go golden at will, really. Go, go, right. Are you next week then getting a toupee? Will you be trying toupees out?

That's a bit of a leap from a spray tan to a toupee. I don't think it's as long a leap as you think it is. I am having some Botox done around my eyes, but no one does that. You're going to come back from the Malt Eives looking like a puffer fish, I know. It's going to be... I filmed a puffer fish two days ago right where I'm standing, a big yellow one, right at this spot. Anyway, would you like to ask me anything about the Maldives

and seeing I'm standing in the water and, you know? Are there any puffer fish at the Maldives and saying I'm standing in the water and, you know. Are there any puffer fish at the Maldives? Funny you should ask. If people are watching the video right now, I'll include some footage for them. Well, okay, let me start with the basics, right, because you chuff off to the Maldives every now and then. I actually don't know where the Maldives are. I'm assuming they're somewhere Caribbean because it's somewhere to go

or south or the top of Africa. No, man. I literally don't know where they are. Where is the Maldives in the world? Okay, well, you're very far away at the moment, so let me help you out. You know where India is, right? I do.

And you know where Sri Lanka is at the bottom of India, the little teardrop at the bottom of India? I do. And you know where Sri Lanka is at the bottom of India, the little teardrop at the bottom of India? If you go left from Sri Lanka and then down a little bit, that's the Maldives. Oh, right.

Okay. Down there in the – I think that must be the Indian Ocean, but it's also – is it the Lactavian Sea? I'm not even sure how to say it. The sea's got its own name, but it's sort of that big Indian Ocean there, below India and to the west of it. I'm going to look it up on a map. Look it up on a map, if you don't believe me.

Well, I do believe you. I'm just... Oh, yeah, okay. Yep, okay. Oh, wow. So is this a small kingdom? Is it part of the British Empire still, or is it... Oh, no, it's its own country, and it's lots and lots and lots of tiny islands. There's like, and they're all tiny, tiny scattered because it's a series of atolls,

which are like these sort of rings of coral reefs that have become islands. And so it's a whole series of islands. I don't know how many. I would guess in the hundreds. whole series of islands i don't know how many i would guess in the hundreds most of them uh can't be inhabited because they're just like a bit of coral and sand and maybe a palm tree and some of them are just big enough to be inhabited and and most of them that can have people on them have been turned into luxurious resort accommodation so it's almost like everywhere... So, Maldives is known as a real, you know, tourism holiday destination. And every single place you go to stay is its own island.

So, every island has like just one place on it, you know, with some accommodation and some restaurants and a bar and stuff like that. And the way a lot of them work and sort of the cliched picture you've probably seen of Maldivian accommodation is the island itself will have like, you know, reception and a restaurant and stuff like that maybe. And maybe some villas and accommodation near the sea. But then they build these like sort of piers or jetties that come out into the sea

and they build accommodation on top of that over the water, on top of the pylons, over water villa accommodation, which is where I am just at the moment, staying in one of those villas above the water on top of the pylons, over water villa accommodation, which is where I am just at the moment, staying in one of those villas above the water. And the water is crystal clear. It's like unusually clear water. It's always very hot and it's very beautiful. It's a very beautiful looking place. Oh, yeah, okay.

So over on the right, that's down further is the Cocos Islands, and over the other side is the Seychelles Islands. Oh, and then down further is Mauritius, and you get over closer to Madagascar. So you're sort of halfway between, yeah, Africa and Asia, really, below Australia. Yeah, right, okay. You really are a long way. So what's the capital city you stop at before you fly in, or do pretty big planes come into the Maldives? Well, we flew direct in this case.

The capital of the Maldives is a city called Malé, and Malé is a tiny, tiny island that has, if you Google Malé, you'll see it's this tiny, tiny island that has lots and lots of buildings on it. So it looks like a city, like just completely surrounded by water, and there's a separate island next to Marley, joined to it by a bridge that is just the airport. So you land basically on this island in the middle of the sea. Oh, yeah, look at that.

And then once you've landed there at the airport, I've never actually been into Marley, even though I've landed there many times. What happens is you normally go and wait for half an hour, an hour, and then you get on a seaplane or a boat, usually a seaplane, and you fly out to the island you're staying at, which is what we did. So landed at the airport, sit around, in this case, sit around for a couple of hours, have something stuck up your nose

so they can make sure you haven't got COVID, and then get on a seaplane, and then you land in the water at your island, and that's where you are for a week or so. And then you land in the water at your island and that's where you are for a week or so. Do you know what the first sign, as I zoned in on Google Maps on Malé, the first symbol that came up was a fork and a knife and three little letters KFC. There's definitely a KFC on Malé. So I don't know why you haven't been there. And I don't know why the heck you've flown to another island.

But, yes. I did not know there was a KFC in Mali. I was even going to joke this is the one place in the world you won't find a KFC. But that's not true. There might be one at the airport. There's a Burger King at the airport. I know that. There we go.

Now, is there a king of the Maldives or a queen or? No, I think they have a president. I don't know if they have a prime minister or a president but they have a head of state that there's like you know they've been known for some political unrest actually over the years one of their one of their leaders uh found himself in a bit I don't know it was unpopular with other parts of the government and kind of got there was some I can't remember what the story was but he was a bit of a he was well known in the media because he was well known for doing lots of publicity stunts to help raise the Maldives profile around the environment. Because obviously if the sea levels rise, Maldives is basically first place to go.

There's no, there's not, everything is at sea level in the Maldives. So, they're a bit worried. So, he used to do all sorts of publicity stunts and stuff. So, he got a bit of an international reputation and was in documentaries and stuff. But he also was a bit unpopular with some of his fellow government members. I seem to recall he got ousted in some interesting way, but I'm going a bit off-piste here with my actual knowledge

of Maldivian politics. And with the Order of Australia, you are a representative of our nation in the Maldives. I was surprised you weren't met at the airport by the head of state and welcomed in. They mustn't have recognised you. It's like, no, this guy's too dark. That's not him. I walked straight past.

There was a welcoming party there. I looked for a really pasty ginger guy and I walked straight past. There was a welcoming party there. Look for a really pasty ginger guy. And I walked straight past. Is this the kind of holiday you think you'd go for? This kind of, you know, sunny, tropical, nice sea sort of stuff? No, I prefer sort of a dour, busy, frantic, stressful sort of a holiday, you know, with bad weather. No, but you might be more of an urban type guy. You know, you might be, you know, New York City all the way sort of stuff.

I don't want to sit, you know. I could imagine you'd get bored. To be honest, I have always preferred that kind of thing. I'd rather go to, you know, Melbourne is a regular one and go wander around the old city. I love going to New York or London. That feels like a holiday to me. Going off to, a lot of Australians go to Bali and it's never appealed to me to go to Bali, you know, to a resort and sit by the pool. But I have to say, as I get older, it is more and more feeling like a lovely idea. And looking at you there, oh, that looks extremely

isolated and quiet. And at least a week of that before you start to pot at you there, oh, that looks extremely isolated and quiet. And at least a week of that before you start to pot around and go, oh, hang on a sec, is there – well, I guess you've got a book. You've got internet connection, obviously, because we're doing this. And you've got 5G and all that, even though you look like you're in a very isolated part of the world. It is funny for me. I'm looking up at our lovely villa and the blue sky behind,

and I can just see my laptop sitting on a table and the top of your hat and your glasses bobbing around as you talk. That's a classic. Water. Why has the water idea been so compelling for you when it comes to podcast ideas? I've always loved, I always just love, I love everything about water. I feel, I feel at my most creative and happiest in water.

Like if I'm swimming or having a shower or anything like that, that's just always when I feel like, oh, I've got all these ideas and all these things I want to do and accomplish and be really creative. Invariably, I then jump out of the water I'm in and dry off and get dressed and get ready. And by the time I've done all that, I've kind of lost a bit of my mojo and the creativity has worn off a bit. But definitely in water, I feel at my most, I'm definitely in my happiest. There's those personality typing ideas, isn't there? That some people are water people and some people are earth people and fire people

and air people, the elements. I can't recall what that's about, but someone who was into that was talking about themselves being an earth person once and I switched off because that didn't... But it sounds like you're a water person. Does that mean there are people who are at their happiest and most creative when they're on fire? I guess it must be. I think it goes to sort of like, you know, like they're a fiery person

or they've got a strong anger issues probably or something like that. I can't remember. So I've got something in my pocket, man. Are you ready? I'm going to hold it up for you. Right. Can you see it? It's tiny.

Is it a spoon? It is. Spoon of the week. So, there is a little gift shop here on the island and they had a selection of spoons and this is the one I've gone for. It was by far my favourite. Right.

So, if people want to look at pictures in the notes or on screen and things like that, but I'll describe it. The bowl, the scoopy bit, has a sea turtle and various ornate things etched into it. So it's a very characterful bowl. And then a nice ribbed stem. And then at the top of the handle, there is a heart. And then a lovely kind of metallic blue glowing finish that says Maldives with a picture of a Maldivian island and one of those jetties I was telling you about

that comes off it with lots of accommodation. Very typical Maldivian scene. It's not that island I'm on, but it's just a sort of a generic Maldivian look. Nice. Maldives spoon of the week. Well, that's quite a find. You went around and around and around Scotland to get one, but you come to the Maldives, the first gift shop you walk into, they're selling your spoons. So I will send this to you, Tim, as a souvenir of my holiday. Nice. Yes. And it will have been in the water, so it may even be a little bit rusted from its time in the water here, but there you go.

Actually been in the sea, in the water. You can hear it splashing in the water now. Capturing some of the water in the scoopy bit. I will, for my holiday, sit in the city and hold and look at your spoon and imagine the Maldives. And that'll be my little holiday. We'll come here. Ten minutes.

We'll come here one day. Hopefully some Maldivian tourism operator will listen to this episode and think, that was good. Imagine how good it would be if Brady and Tim were in the Maldives together making an episode, and they might fly us over and put us up for a week of podcasting from our own unmade villa. Do any of the villas come with, like, separate single beds? I'm not sure they do.

You've been in the water long enough. What's your feelings on the wrinkly skin? The wrinkly skin setting in here. Oh, let me have a look at my fingers. Hang on. Yeah, I'm starting to get some wrinklage, definitely. It's not full-blown, like when you look at your fingers and think, oh, no, that's crazy, I've been in way too long.

But I am starting to get a little bit of the wrinkly fingers. Where do you stand on wrinkly fingers from being in the water? Well, I was always told that's a sign that your fingers have cleaned. You know, you've been in the water and they're clean, so I always see them as a sign of cleanliness and think, oh, that's good. It's obviously drawing out all the massive chunks of dirt that are sitting on the end of my fingertips,

somehow balancing there. Hang on. Do you mean you were told that it's a sign that you had clean fingers that they wrinkled or your fingers are not clean until they become wrinkled? I think, and again, this is one of those moments where you're now critically analysing something that was told to you as a child and realising there's not a lot of logic to it. I think it was a sign that it's time to get out of the bath. You know, you've been in the bath long enough.

Ah, okay. Yep. You're clean and look, your fingers are wrinkly. Ah, that means they're clean. You're clean. Time to get out. Even in the Maldives, we still have episode sponsors and I thought it would be really exciting to have what I think might be the first ever hover ad done from in the sea, in the Moldavian Sea here. Are you up for that?

Oh, I am, yes, for Hover. Yeah? Hover? Yes. Practising some Hovercraft in the water. Yes. So, I haven't got my notes here in the water with me, man. What's Hover?

I can't even remember what Hover is anymore. Do you want to tell people what Hover is? Oh, man, that's a flying fish oh did you see did oh you wouldn't have seen it there was a flying fish just jumping in and out of the water oh it was it was leaping out of the water towards me it did two leaps and i thought it was about to do another one it was hovering above the water man how appropriate i'm sorry for that moment of way too much excitement. Hover is a service where you can register domains. If you want to register any web domain, the place to go is Hover. Hover.com slash unmade.

And the reason you want to go to Hover over all the other less good domain registrars is Hover has a brilliant interface. It's clean. It's easy to use. It's got all the other less good domain registrars is hover has a brilliant interface it's clean it's easy to use it's got all the features you would want it hasn't got any of the features you wouldn't want it says here we think about domains and emails so you don't have to this is how we've come i've actually gone to the hover website to read what they say we have features that you'll love so that's good. Our focus is on making it easy to find and register the perfect domain and providing you with the tools you need to manage your domains, email and DNS with ease. It's what we do.

So you can focus on what you do. And how appropriate because Hover have also done the work for you. So you can focus on what you do by writing all those handy slogans about what they're about i use hover to register all my domain names i've got a real war chest of domain names registered with hover some of which are i consider to be in like action they're an active service and they're attached to websites or they divert to things other ones are just there for a rainy day little secret ideas i've got and i I've thought, when the time comes, I'm going to want this domain. I'm going to register it now.

And that's what you should do. If you've got a little idea just tickling the back of your brain, don't let the time come and find out someone else has registered that name. You grab it now. You've still got timhine.ninja, haven't you, for in case you ever become a ninja? Oh, yes. Yes.

Just in case. I didn't want it to go because I know there will be another Tim Hine out there with ninja skills. Yep. I think I've got spoonoftheweek.com, and I definitely have spoon.cards for our collector cards. Do you know what else we have? Hover.com slash unmade.

So there we go. Yes. We don't technically have it. Hover havecom slash unmade. So there we go. Yes. We don't technically have it. Hover have it for us. I believe you will get a 10% discount on your first purchase if you go to hover.com slash unmade. I'm pretty sure it's 10%. I haven't got my notes in front of me, but that's how I remember it. Do check them out.

They're a fantastic supporter of the show. And also, I quite often receive emails from people saying, oh, Brady, I just went and registered a domain with Hover. Thanks for letting me know about them. They were really good. So I know every time someone goes there, they're a happy customer. Hover is the Maldives of domain registrars. I don't know what that even means. Just seems appropriate. I'm typing in spray tan to hover to see what's available. Yeah. What can you get? Spraytan.org.au is available.

Spraytan.art. So there you go. Would you say it was art what you had done? I consider myself to be a walking piece of spray tan art. You're like a Banksy work, aren't you? Someone's sprayed all over you, but you're a living piece. I'm a human Banksy. Spray tan dot host.

There you go. That's what you are. You're a podcast. That's me. Spray tan dot host. Register it while you can, people. Get in first. And make sure you get that 10% off.

And that's on sale too. They actually have sales at Hover too, so that's cool. Tim, do you have a podcast idea you wanted to share today while I stand here in the water? I've got an idea that we can workshop a little bit, which is another way of saying I've got half an idea. Right. I've been thinking about time right yeah and yep the mystery of time and i know you know a lot more about this because you have a better understanding of physics and its relationship to

time to space and why time slows down at fast speeds and all sorts of strange ways in which time works. But I also have recently learned that time, like our bodies remember time, and now there's something in our bodies that resets every 24 hours, but then there's another part of our brain, and they don't even know what part of the brain it is, that sort of feels time, that experiences time. Time sometimes feels like it's slow and sometimes it feels like it's zooming fast. When we're stressed, it's slower.

When we're having a great time, it's fast and all sorts of things like that. And you're on a holiday and I was thinking about, you know, particularly a holiday where you're staying in one spot, does it feel like it's zipping by because it's fun or does it feel like it's really slow because it's you're not doing anything you're relaxing and resting yeah i mean this is a this is a fun talking point and you're right on holidays you know the first few days time feels like it's going really slowly and you're like oh this holidays is going to last forever oh it's only day two. Wonderful. It feels like we've

been here forever. And then towards the end, it's like, it feels like it's running away from you. And oh no, it's ending. It's ending. It's ending really quickly. So, and you're right. There are lots of different ways people experience time and the brain processes time. It's a very interesting topic. There's lots have been written about it and lots have been I've got friends who've made videos about it as well. There's a lot there. As a podcast idea. Oh no, I'm coming to that. I'm coming to that. Oh okay. Go on. My idea was

based on, there was this, apparently this French scientist who was one of the first people to figure this out about the body in time because he actually went, he went in a very, very isolated cave for a long period of time in total darkness and he just let him basically just dwelt there and then just only like contacted his team when he woke up

and like when he felt like eating and, you know, when he knew he was about to fall asleep or these kinds of things. And they just measured where that was. And that was one of the things whereby they discovered that there's something like a body clock. But he realised as well he'd lost track of time. Like he thought he was in there for a month, but actually he was in there for like two months or something like that.

And many years later he went down. So he went there for like the Millennium Eve. You know, we were talking about the Millennium Eve last time and the year 2000, and he wanted to be there for midnight, but he went in early and tried to guess when it was, and so he called them when he thought it was Millennium Eve right on midnight, and it turns out it was the 4th of January, like he'd lost all sense of time. So I like the idea of a podcast that's where you don't measure how long

it's been since your last podcast. Like you basically, some sort of context where you lose track of time and you talk about what you're thinking and where you're feeling and, but somehow outside of measuring, oh, it's been two weeks since our last episode or it's been 10 days or it's been a week, something where you describe your experience of life free of time. So that's as far as I've got. Or like do it in episode, man. Shut your eyes right now, man.

Shut your eyes right now. Shut them. Are they shut? Yep, yep. How long do you think you've been recording on your audacity there? Oh, well. How long do you think you've been recording on your Audacity there? Oh, well. How long have we been recording? I would say 35 minutes.

Okay. Now have a look. Yep. Where are we? 39 minutes it is here. Oh, not bad. Oh, just on 40. That's not bad, is it?

Although with editing and stuff, I'm probably right on smack, especially if you edit it down to 35 minutes exactly for me. And that was when we started recording too, before I got in the water. So you're about right. Also, that's a real theme in the film Blue Thunder, isn't it? The helicopter pilot and he like occasionally shuts his eyes and lets his stopwatch count down for 60 seconds and tries to stop it, I think, as close to one as possible

because they say it's a sign of madness when you start losing track of time or something. And I remember that was a real motif in that film. And, of course, Castaway told us we must not allow us, we must not commit the sin of turning our back on time. But time is also quite arbitrary, though, isn't it? Like the length of a life and what's a good time and, you know what I mean? What's been, I've heard it said before, we often underestimate,

we overestimate what we're going to get done in one year, but we underestimate what we're going to get done in 10 years because you just have no concept of time. I like your idea, Tim, but I lean more towards trying to implement it in like a, in a smaller way rather than between episodes, like making it more like an in-episode thing. How well can people judge time, talk to people? I quite like the idea of talking to people and then saying,

how long have we been talking for? That's always really interesting. That's something I found really interesting to bring up the Prince Charles meeting again from the last episode i ran a stopwatch on how long we were actually talking for and compared it with what i thought oh yeah and i think i think i think it was a minute and a half you know something like that which is probably a bit shorter than i would have thought it felt a bit longer oh i would have imagined it was much shorter i pictured it sort of like you stood forward and, you know,

it's like 20 seconds and then move on. But he actually took a bit of time with you. Well, you've seen a video of it now, haven't you? I haven't, no. I've been waiting to show the girls and I haven't. The objectivity video. Yeah, yeah. There you go.

You can see it in that. Oh, okay. You play it through. How good are you at judging time when you do your sermons on Sunday? Like, do you always nail the exact same duration? Do you have to look at a clock? Is it like a natural feel for you now that they always just come out at the right time? How does that go for you?

Oh, this is a matter of some discussion on occasion amongst the team. Look, I'm pretty good. For people that aren't aware, in many churches, you know, if you do a talk, it's about sort of 25 minutes. Some are much longer and in some churches it's much shorter as well. But generally it's like, you know, like a TED Talk or a bit longer than a TED Talk sort of talk. A Tim Talk.

A Tim Talk, that's right. Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty good at it because you do sort of, you naturally sort of bend things around three points. So there's sort of an introduction, you make a first point, second point, you link it in. I'm not quite as linear as that sometimes. I'll be making one big point that you build up to.

But you do get a sense of, oh, hello, here we're going. I do, because one of my staff members put this here ages ago, have a little clock on, like, the pulpit, 2000, you know, the famous pulpit we have. I have never, ever glanced at it once during a sermon. It's been there for a year. And I should have it and look at it, but I don't.

And even if I want to know the time, I don't look at it, and it's even in my eyeline. I look at my watch and go, oh, hello, there we go. You get a feel for things. I have a pretty good internal clock. Yeah. My wife would say it's off by about five or six minutes. And I take it from the tone in your voice, you have a reputation for going overtime, do you?

Well, no one ever complains when it's a bit shorter than it normally is. That's true. No. And, yeah, whereas I'm sort of bursting with lots of things to say. So you sort of, oh, this is, I don't want to deal with this in a superficial way, so I want to tell you this and I want to tell you this and I want to make sure I get this bit in. But, of course, that's because I sort of know how much I'm leaving out and whereas other folks are sort of going, okay, well,

I'm chewing on all that, what you've said so far. That's enough. That's, you know, a meal and now I want to get out and get a cup of tea and a biscuit and catch up with my mate or something like that. Yeah, because when you hand over the reins to someone else to do the sermon one Sunday, I bet you don't like it when they go over time. Well, no, no, of course not. No, no, no.

You are, no, and that's a really good question. Listening to someone talk feels longer than doing the talking. There's no question about that. Oh, definitely. Definitely. Yeah. As our podcast lengths will attest to as well. That's right.

All civilians can agree. That's right. It does feel like it's gone in a minute, a sermon. You stand up and then it's over and you go, oh, wow, okay. Yeah, gosh. Definitely. Definitely when you give a talk, you never feel like you have enough time, especially if you're talking about yourself, which you could just do forever.

I found it was much easier after doing 10 years of lecturing, that was easier as well because a lecture you have like an hour or a couple of hours and a wipe. You know what what i mean you can really just sort of flow things out so coming in and doing something that's much more tight and pithy is um a discipline yeah would you like to do a ted talk yeah yeah i think i would you'd do a good one man someone someone signed tim up for a ted talk i I'd watch that. Oh, thanks, man. How long are TED Talks? They're about 10 minutes, aren't they? They're 20, aren't they?

Or 16 or something? Something like that. I think there's some straight... How long is a TED Talk? Into the Google monster. While you do that, there's someone three villas down from me who's just started snorkelling. 18 minutes.

There you go. 18 minutes. A TED Talk is 18 minutes, a length chosen by the TED organizers based on neuroscience and strategy. They understood that 18 minutes was long enough for a speaker to flesh out an idea but short enough that a listener could take it in, digest it, and understand all of the important information. And how long do you budget for a sermon?

I usually go for 25. Yeah, so just slightly longer. So I am overstaying my welcome pass neuroscience. Maybe I would be a better speaker if I put it into 18 minutes. Yeah. Maybe I would be. Maybe I'll take that as a challenge this week. I'm going to do an 18-minute sermon.

18 minutes. Nail 18 minutes to see if that, see if it works. And how do you know if your sermon's been successful afterwards? Oh, generally the response of people. I can tell if it's been a good sermon or not, but of course it doesn't matter whether I feel, like if I've rambled or I didn't quite nail it, you have a sense of clarity. And a lot of the time I I'm talking to you in a sense, like I'm thinking how would Brady respond to this

or how would I explain this to Brady or, you know what I mean, like a thinking person with a sceptical mind. I'm thinking because you don't like to just say platitudes. You want to go, now let me make the case for this. You know what I mean? Let me explain this in a way that it's new and fresh and any normal scept skeptical person would say that why do you feel like you have to conquer a skeptical mind when you're delivering a sermon in your church which by and large must surely be

to christians believers because i want to do two things i want to help thinkers to believe but i also want to help believers to think like i want them to not just go oh yeah that's because i think when you hear something the same way you can lose its power so i like to do it tell it slant you know what i mean like tell it in a way that makes them go oh hello that's a different way of looking at it i'm going to you know allow that to penetrate my thinking and my behavior and my living and the way i care about people a bit differently i despise cliche so you're trying to you know trying to make a case on its own terms as well rather than just i believe because i've always believed i'm always trying to say well hang on a second let's let this you know what i mean come

at it in a different way how can you tell when you've given a not so good sermon? Because obviously people aren't going to come up to you and say, that was a real turkey, Tim. Is it just because you're getting less compliments, a bit less enthusiasm, and that's the marker? Yeah, it's not compliments. It's more people's response there. You can tell that there's a feeling in the room, or there's a feeling with people afterwards or they're sitting reflectively or they're asking for a moment of prayer or something like that. It's not quite compliments. Sometimes it's a thank you or something like that. It's complimentary, but it's not quite a compliment.

We do have like a meeting every Monday morning with the team and we actually go over. Okay, yesterday was Sunday and we go through the different parts. What happened with the kids ministry and the youth? What happened with, you know, was there any logistical stuff and the service itself? And we debrief it and including the sermon, I ask them, okay, what's one, two things that were, could be improved with the sermon and all that. And we, so we analyze it and they have permission to say it was too long or that bit didn't quite work. And my wife is very good on that. So, you know, knows that I don't want to be given platitudes.

She wants to say, no, I thought that was really, really good. But you, you know, when on a bit here or that example didn't quite work or something like that, you know. Yeah, wives are very good at that. That's right. Look, I feel like I haven't done justice to your time idea and i feel like there's a lot more there but this is probably not the time for it because i'm in the water and highly distracted and i feel like that's an idea you've thrown at me that would require me to be

like 110 focused and and that so i feel like maybe that's one we should come back to i think maybe you've gone a bit too clever for me there. I can't quite do it justice today. Do you find your thinking slows down on holiday? Like, are you finding it harder to make decisions? No, I don't actually. I find I'm probably more creative. Like, I'll have really good ideas. Like, do you look at a menu and go, oh, I don't know, before you come around to the prawns yet again? It's just, it is funny how much when you're on holiday, everything just revolves around those three meals a day.

Like, it's just like in normal life. I don't even know if I have three meals a day and it's just like, but like they're just these huge events in the day, like, and nothing can like, you know, all that matters are the meals. Everything else just somehow has to slot in around meals. And if you want to, you can nap after each and every one of those meals. Like it's. Oh, can and do.

There's been some very impressive napping done on this trip, I can tell you. Very impressive. Because we're recording a little bit later tonight, I was sitting watching the news and stuff at home and I fell asleep. And, like, just on the couch, you know, just napped off and woke up half an hour later and the family were already having dinner.

I was like, oh, right, okay. So I went over and had dinner and they'd let me snooze. Later on I come to my phone and sure enough, there's like some video footage of me on a funny angle looking just ridiculous like Homer Simpson snoring. Excellent, excellent. So can they get into your phone or are they just able to open the camera? No, they can get into the phone.

We all have, you know, we all know each other's passwords. Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, gosh. That's a lot of power you're giving your daughters. Yes, well, obviously, don't suggest anything to us. No. Can I just say, girls, hats off to you for making that video of your dad while he was asleep.

But how dare you not have sent that to me straight away? I'll swap you for a spray tan photo. Got to go the spray tan before a big sermon. Next time you do a really big sermon, go the spray tan so you've got that healthy glow. you do a really big sermon. Go to the boat town so you've got that healthy glow. Look, I'm not saying that I got this message

from a burning bush, but hey, look at me. He's like, ooh, he's a fireman. Just like Brady's a waterman. Well, is there anything else you want to know or want me to do while you've got me here in the water?

I'm looking out. The sun's setting in about 20 minutes, I reckon, half an hour. Out that way is the sunset. Yeah, it does look like it's going down. It's nice. Were you given any secret words that you had to get into this episode? Yes, I was. Yes, yes, I was.

So, no, let's not wrap it up just yet. Okay. No, very good. Yeah, go on then. Let's drop those bombs. Well, hang on. We've got to talk about this. Okay. I was so no let's not wrap it up just alright okay no go on then let's let's drop those we've got to talk about this okay um so okay um so it's not long till Christmas right um why don't you get me

to say the words you get me to say the words go on as you know try and provoke you to say them like a game well Well, you can give me some pretty big clues. Okay. All right. What's something you love to eat at Christmas? Oh, I like some pudding. I like eating mince pies. They're nice. Custard is always nice to have at Christmas.

No, you're cooler now. Stay on the mince pie bit for a bit. Not like turkey and stuff. You mean like... Are you asking me about sweet things? Do you like sweet things I like to eat or...? Okay, but this food is unique in that it can be a little man. Oh, gingerbread man. Gingerbread.

Very good. Very good. That would have been hard to draw. It wasn't very good. You said this can be a little man. You basically told me what it was. I'm just talking to you now like you are a child. Well done there.

Yeah. And what else? Was that the only word? No, there's another word. This one, let me take you in a different direction. So, you're staying in these little holiday homes, right? Hmm. And they've got some nice things to create a lovely ambiance, you know, inside, nighttime.

They do. Yeah. They have nice furniture. They have lights and lighting. They have- Just lights? Lamps. They don't have lamps, actually.

Oh, they do have lamps. Are we thinking about things that only create a nice ambience at nighttime? Yes. Are you asking if they have candles? Very good. That's well done. That's good. You got that.

That's the one, mate. One. I don't think you'd be allowed to have candles on these thatched roof wooden huts on a wooden pier. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. I don't think they do have candles, but nevertheless. Are you allowed to have gingerbread, man, then?

I think gingerbread is allowed. Well, I'm going to head off, man. You've done well to be standing in the water in paradise for an hour. Well done. And just a reminder to people, if they want to watch the video version of this episode, we'll include pictures and stuff like that for people to look at. And this is the moment where I think, God, if this recording hasn't worked, I'm going to be really upset. Well, this is the moth signing off.

The moth, fucking moth. All right, I'm going to get really upset. Well, this is the moth signing off. The moth, fucking moth. All right, I'm going to get out of the water now. Here I go. Going up the steps. Turning off GoPro one.