The Unmade Podcast - Special: I Am Writing To Complain

Episode Date: May 19, 2020

Following the previous episode, Tim and Brady write some letters of complaint. Support us on Patreon - we are doing extra stuff to make your patronage worthwhile - https://www.patreon.com/unmadeFM Join the discussion of this episode on our subreddit -https://redd.it/gmoks5) USEFUL LINKS You can listen a much longer version of Tim's letter to KFC if you are a Patron - see our Patreon page - https://www.patreon.com/posts/37289356 Episode 44: Professional Complainers - https://www.unmade.fm/episodes/episode44 These are the type of Nike shoes Chris had - but not his actual pair - https://bit.ly/2Xhv4iC Nikki Lawson moves to Taco Bell - https://www.thedrum.com/news/2020/02/10/taco-bell-names-kfc-s-nikki-lawson-global-chief-brand-officer Thorium - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmczVhGq8cU KFC Gold Card - https://bit.ly/2Xfjswg

Hang on, I'm just turning the air conditioner off, that's one thing. There we go. So in a very recent episode, we discussed an idea called professional complainers, which involved writing letters of complaint and sending them off. Tim and I were both a little bit enamored by the idea, so we've decided to give this one a real go and write some complaint letters, which we're going to share with you today, and then we're going to send them off and see what happens.

This is exciting. I like this. This is a good idea. Yeah. Well, we're about to see if it's a good idea. Yeah. Yes. So I've done a couple.

Tim's done one. I thought maybe I'd go first with the short one, just to sort of set the tone before we get into some of the meatier complaints. All right, all right, all right. Now, who's this to? This is to the editor of The Times newspaper in London. Oh. Okay. The London Times. And do you need to set the scene at all, or do you just launch in? I think it speaks for itself. So, just imagine yourself with your

posh letter opener somewhere in London opening a letter from me. Here's what we've got. This is the most respected establishment newspaper, is that right? Yeah, it's pretty sort of formal. It's, you know, paper of record sort of thing. Good stuff. Okay. Dear sir, I'm writing to complain about your daily times two crossword. I am not writing about the cryptic crossword, which is way too hard. Frankly, I have no idea why it gets the more prominent position on the back page every day. Yep.

The times two is definitely more accessible for the casual puzzler such as myself. And while I'm generally quite pleased with the clues, I wish to voice dissatisfaction. In my opinion, there are too many clues that involve cooking ingredients and garden plants. It is unreasonable to expect the average reader to know this much about obscure herbs and shrubs. Most days I have to Google these answers and it ruins the whole experience. Please, can we have fewer clues like this? On the other hand, I would be happy to see more clues involving elements on the periodic table. This week's one about thorium was particularly pleasing.

Kind regards and salutations, Brady Haran. P.S. If you publish this letter, could you please send me 10 copies of that day's paper so I can distribute it amongst my friends and neighbours? Can you also send one to my mate Tim in Adelaide, Australia? So, I will send that to the Times and watch this space. That's nice. Very classy.

Very sophisticated. Thank you. So, this is an actual letter. This is not a letter to the editor that they might publish. This is actual feedback you're hoping for a response from. That's right. I'll let them take it how they take it. I can't, you know, it would more be one you would expect to-

Well, I wouldn't expect- I don't expect anything, but it's more one you would expect to reply to rather than publishing it, like in the letters to the editor section. But, you know, you can always live in hope. Can I ask you, you were a journalist at a newspaper for a decade or so, weren't you? And did you ever work in the part of the newspaper that received the letters to the editor? Do they literally go to the editor or is there a team that reads them and decides which ones? How does it work? At the advertiser, it was actually, it was one guy who opened all the letters and then he picked a selection. And I think the selection was taken to the editor for 10 minutes each day for him just to cast an eye over. But it wasn't something the editor got massively involved in. He would, of course, read the letters to the editor page when he was reading all the proofs of the pages later that night.

So, he did read all the ones that were published in some form, but no, it was just one guy picking what he thought was a good cross-section, tossing the rest, I imagine. How much of the paper does the editor read? He's got hundreds of journalists and workers and sub-editors. Yeah, I mean, the editor at the advertiser, I mean, I had several editors, but the editor I worked most closely with when I was a bit more senior, so had a lot more to do with him. He worked very late each night. And I remember he would really thoroughly read the proofs of each

page when they would come up, you know, before the printing was done. he would really meticulously be reading the pages. So, I'm sure he didn't read everything, but editorially, he read a lot. He read a lot. Wow. I was always impressed by how thorough he was and how into it he was. And, you know, of course, anything that was problematic, he would get involved with. That was when I had more to do with him. I was involved in legaling all the stories that were in the paper. If anything was legally contentious and the lawyers came back and said, well, here's the score. This is risky.

This isn't risky. I would sometimes have to go to his office and say, this is what the lawyers say. What do you want to do? He had to make those sort of decisions every day. And that's where the buck stops with the editor, doesn't it? They're ultimately responsible for everything in the paper. Yep. Yeah.

Fascinating. Did you ever want to be an editor? Nah, it was never even into my mind. Never even thought about it until you just said it then. Despite working in a newspaper for a decade, working for an editor. To me, it wasn't like what I was there for. It was like I didn't really see him as a journalist. I liked, you know, reporting and writing.

And when I did go down the management route for a bit and became like a chief of staff and judge of bossing people around and not going out, I really didn't enjoy that. Going those extra levels up certainly was not something that appealed to me. You were just killing time till they invented YouTube. I was. It was a waiting game. I knew the Unmade podcast was coming. Yes, that's right.

Anyway, Tim. Fascinating. You've written a letter as well? Letter of complaint? I have. Fascinating. You've written a letter as well? Letter of complaint? I have. I have. I've followed up. Well, firstly, I have to do one little bit of catch up.

And that is that in the discussion that we had in our last episode about this idea, I talked about an Amazon order that seemed to have gone astray. And sure enough, the day after our episode came out, the book arrived. The book arrived. I didn't know whether to feel guilty about the fact that I'd, you know, sort of written sternly wondering where it was or vindicated that, oh, if I hadn't, you know, Muggs Law, if I hadn't written the letter, then it wouldn't have arrived. So anyway.

People can sleep easy. Tim's book arrived. And there's not another one on the way that I feel ethically worried about what to do. Do I need to send it back now or anything? It's just nice and clean cut. Well done. Well done.

My letter is also a little bit of catch up or follow on, really, because we talked about my indifferent experience with KFC. And so I've decided to compose a letter to the managing director of KFC. Right. South Pacific. Right. South Pacific. It's a whole South Pacific region, is it? I know.

I know. It's a very, well, my letter is addressed to Nikki Lawson, who is the managing director of KFC South Pacific. Is that a man or a woman, do you know? It's spelled in the manner I imagine it's a female. In fact, I know it is manner I imagine it's a female. In fact, I know it is because I looked it up and saw an article about her in, like, a CEO magazine. Okay.

Yes, I mean, what a role for the whole South Pacific. Very exciting. Yeah. And with it comes, like an editor, much responsibility. And so when she reads this, I think she's going to be reminded of her responsibility. Okay. And I'm sure rushing to appoint a task force to deal with it as well. Okay.

Shall I begin? Yes. Nikki Lawson, Managing Director, KFC South Pacific. Dear Ms. Lawson, a few weeks ago, my family and I had what I could only describe as a disappointing meal. It simply didn't provide for me what I have always relied on Kentucky to provide. It wasn't finger licking good. All I can say is that I felt a certain indifference. I wonder if you would be able to furnish me with any similar reports of this kind.

Is it an isolated issue or located in a specific area? Or is KFC indifference occurring in other places too? Is there a pattern? Has any mapping been done? If so, then I'd be most interested to see any correlation between my own experience and that of others. Of course, now having become indifferent, I am a little reluctant to try KFC again, and not trying it again robs you of the chance to break my indifference and redeem yourself. You can see the vicious cycle in which we are both caught. To that end, I wonder if I might endeavour to suggest a solution. An incentive. I've heard rumours of a KFC gold card.

I've heard rumours of a KFC gold card. Apparently these cards enable the bearer an unlimited amount of KFC chicken for the period of one year. For our purposes, a year is probably not necessary. Six months should do the trick. This, I'm sure, may be just enough to unshackle me from the indifference caused by this recent experience with your product and summon within me the will to drag myself back to the drive-through window and place an order. Yours truly, Tim Hine. The thing I like about yours, Tim, is that there's kind of this almost like

you're almost hinting that you're going to do this like freedom of information request, like you're trying to find out if there's like you've got this conspiracy theory that this is a bigger problem that you want to know about. I want the map. well it is a concern i want the data well that's it well you'd like to think i mean i like to think of myself as offering myself in service here i mean this is the this is the flip side as well sacrificing myself as you were is this gold card true like there's there's there's a card like that rumoured over in the UK for Nando's chicken that everyone always talks about, but I've never heard the KFC gold card.

Oh, wow. Well, the only time I've heard it is when you made a joke on Twitter to someone who works at KFC about it. He never officially denied it, although he never officially confirmed it either. What do you think would happen to your life if you had a KFC gold card? I seriously think, well, I, oh, well, a few things. Sorry, too many thoughts are coming to mind at once. I'm overcome. I seriously think not much, except that, oh, yeah, no, we'd save like 30 bucks, you know, every, I don't know. Day.

Not much, except that, oh, yeah, no, we'd save like 30 bucks, you know, every, I don't know. Day. Every 20 minutes. Every three weeks or something. Every 20 minutes Tim saves there. The internet counters how much money Tim saved today because he was a KFC gold card. $8,000. The bank calls up there's a disturbing lack of activity happening with your account sir and there's just like there's just

like container ships of chickens being brought over to australia you know when a gold card you know where like when your credit card it's getting to the end of its time and it's like wearing thin a bit it's like the numbers are wearing down and the signature's worn off and stuff just imagine the hole i'd burn through this car you just have a sticky tape to your forehead save time thank god for tapping otherwise I had to swipe that thing every time, I'd start a fire. Every KFC outlet in Australia will just have a photo of your face behind the counter just saying, if this guy comes in. I'm sorry, sir. Your card seems to have melted in the swipe.

Yeah. You've actually, it is unlimited, but you've actually gone past that now. Yes, that's right. You've that now. Yes, that's right. You've blown your unlimited limit. That's right. Yes, that's right. Imagine when you whipped it out for the first time, all the employees going, like a silence. Look, like someone just tap it.

Here, there's one. It's like at whatever hospital is closest to the White House, and they've got that red phone. You know, like if the president's coming in, it's like, oh, it's ringing. It's ringing. Oh, my goodness. He's coming. Special guest. Tim's coming for a three-piece feed.

That's right. Love it. The only other thing that came to mind is it would be tempting to cater large events, you know, with the neighbourhood. I'm just imagining you going through a drive-through and picking up this huge order and them saying, oh, you're catering a large event. You're like, no. You know, Mr.

Arne, you're not supposed to use this gold card to feed everyone at the Adelaide Oval. What are you talking about? We're going to need a bigger bucket. We're going to need a bigger bucket they'd have to climb up onto the sign and rip off those massive ones they use for that like you know for the sign this was just a sign for display we're actually

literally gonna need that bucket up on the roof I demand that bucket that's false advertising oh Oh, dear. By the way. Yeah. Nikki Lawson's no longer head of KFC about a month ago. Oh, no. Are you serious? About a month ago, she's been moved to America to take over some Taco Bell responsibilities.

A month ago. There's a whole bunch of stories there. You clearly didn't Google her after you just got the name. So send that letter off, find out who the new South Pacific boss is and change the name and send that one off. I'll tell you what's annoying. I didn't know that job was available. It's obviously been recently filled.

Well, I don't know that it has been filled, actually. I know that Nikki Wilson has left, but maybe that nikki borson has left but maybe that oh my god imagine that imagine if you send in that letter of complaint and they say we like we like the cut of this guy's jib let's make him an offer give this man a job let's make him the head of south pacific camps talk about putting a funny fox in charge of the hen house. God, that's a clever line, isn't it? He's head of KFC. He's doing yet another inspection of the stores.

Quality control. He takes such an interest on the ground level. I know. Yeah. Oh, dear. This is a letter of complaint I've written. I'm sending it to Jump23 at Wisconsin Avenue, Northwest, Washington, D.C. Yeah.

Dear Michael Jordan. All right. Sorry. Okay. Sorry. That's funny already. That's great. All right Sorry Okay, sorry That's funny already, that's great All right First, allow me to belatedly congratulate you On the six NBA titles you won with the Chicago Bulls in the 1990s Please also pass on my congratulations to all your teammates

If you talk to Scotty Pippen Tell him I often played as him on the NBA Jam arcade game. However, I am not writing to deal with such happy matters. Unfortunately, I am writing to complain. My grievance relates to a pair of Nike basketball shoes my friend Chris wore during high school, probably around 1991 or 1992. I really didn't like the design of Chris's shoes, which I found a little on the bulky side.

They also used pink highlights, which I didn't think suited Chris's light complexion. I'm frankly surprised Chris bought them, but I really don't blame him. I think they were a poor design and should never have been released. I am not sure what he paid for them, but I think Nike should send Chris some vouchers so he can buy something better. Can you look into this? Unfortunately, I can't remember the exact name of the shoe, but I have messaged Chris on Facebook and I'll let you know if he replies.

Yep. I realise you aren't responsible for all matters at Nike, but you're the only person I know associated with the company, so I thought you could chase this one up. Also, could you please send me one of those red basketball singlets you used to wear with bulls written across the front and sign it? Make sure it is one you wore in a game, preferably a playoff. I will happily cover the cost of postage. If you only have white bulls singlets, that would be okay too, but I'd prefer red.

Best wishes, Brady Haran. That's brilliant. That's fantastic. I have a second letter I'm going to have to send because there's a sequel. It goes as follows. Dear Michael, just following up my earlier letter about Chris's shoes. I have since heard back from him and have more information. They were Nike Air Force shoes purchased in 1991 or maybe 1992.

They were size 11s and cost $239 from a shoe store somewhere in O'Halloran Hill in Adelaide's southern suburbs. It also eventuates that Chris's dad paid for the shoes, so any vouchers should be sent to him. I enclosed some pictures. I hope this helps. Brady. P.S. I also include a picture of LeBron James. If you see him, would you ask him to sign it for me?

That's very good. I've really enjoyed being in contact with Chris and going down memory lane about those shoes, too. We've exchanged about 20 messages. We've been researching them and finding pictures and all sorts. It's great. I felt the same. I don't remember those specific shoes, but I felt that all through high school, I kind of felt about all that kind of basketball stuff that it was kind of overblown and ugly, maybe because we couldn't afford it and I never had any of it. I was, you know what I mean? Like, it was just sort of like, this is too shiny and it's not cool. Like, I can't see, you know, Kurt Cobain wearing them. Like, it's just sort of,

yeah. Well, you had different definitions of who was cool and what was cool. That's right. That's all it is. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Watching The Last Dance, I just can't get over how big all the suits are that all those basketballers are wearing, how oversized the suits were. I know. I know. Particularly the double-breasted. I love- I heard it was once well described as, you know, someone standing with a double-breasted

suit unbuttoned is like the back end of a panel van with both doors open. Like it's- It's just way too much material. Yeah. Yeah. They're so tall. Yeah. That's a comment my mum would make watching the basketball. They're so tall.

It's like, hmm. That's it. Well done. There we go. So, I'll send those off to Michael Jordan and see if he replies. Do let me know if he does. I will, and I'll let Chris know as well. Chris is going to be over the moon that I'm going to send pictures of his shoes to Michael Jordan.

That's fantastic. And just to rub it into Chris, you'll get a reply. You were never into like, you didn't go through that period at high school then where you were really into shoes and, you know, sneakers and Jordans and all that. Like, I went through like a two or three year period where like shoes were everything. No, no, I never did. I always, I honestly think it's because it wasn't on my radar because I knew we would never be, we could either, we couldn't afford them or I could never talk my parents into it. Yeah. And, but even after, you know, you start earning a bit of money, I wanted to spend it on CDs and stuff. I was never interested in sneakers. Although I have to say, I've never owned a pair

of Nikes and I'm now kind of proud of that. Like I kind of liked that I never have. So like we were out shopping for sneakers with the family it was sort of put up odd you know what about some nikes or something like that and i was like no no no we our family we don't wear nikes like i just it just came out as like a thing we don't do right it's like i've never articulated but now i'm like no i'm not buying nikes no we were editor added us because you know that's what musicians in brit pop and stuff wore. So, adidas. I imagined you'd be more of a converse man. I did wear cons for many years, which I have to say recently were bought out by Nike.

So, strictly speaking, I have. But I did for many years, but I reached a stage of middle age where I need a bit more support in my sneakers. So, that was the thing. Okay. It's good of you to admit that. Well, they're very flat, you know, they're very flat. They are. They're not, I mean, you can't run in them.

No, you can't. When you're running to KFC. No, that's right. No, no, no, that's right. I was speaking to Chris about these shoes, $239 in 1991. I know. You know, you could buy a house in Adelaide for that. I know.

I know. That's crazy. Chris was saying his dad, who's a very lovely and generous man, but we always joked about, you know, moths flying out of his wallet when he had to get his wallet out because he, you know, was reluctant to spend large amounts of money. And he was persuaded to spend this money for Chris's shoes. And for weeks afterwards, he'd just be shaking his head going,

$239 for shoes. Oh, really? Apparently two years later he bought Chris another pair of Nikes and they were $240 and he said two years later they've only gone up a dollar. I don't know how you talk your parents into that. I just didn't even try. I just assumed I could just as easy get them to buy me a car as shoes for $230.

No, you could have bought the Renault for that easy. Well, I only bought the Renault for twice that, literally. I paid $500 for the Renault. So those two pairs of shoes Chris got in 91 and 93 were the same as your car. That's right. That's exactly right. I love it.

All right. Well, let's send these letters off. The Times, Michael Jordan, KFC. And if anything happens, we will let people know. Let me tell you, we've chosen some big targets, some establishment major global brands there, man. We have. We are. We're aiming high. I look forward to getting the reply.

Well, I'm hoping you get the job offer, but let's see what happens. Would you take that job if they said, look, we just want to try something different. We know you've got a bit of management experience. You're good with people. You're good with chicken. You're definitely good with chicken. Would you take the job? No.

No, I wouldn't take the job. Okay. Would you take the gold card? Well, that's right. I'd take the job for a day, find out if there's a gold card. If there is, institute one, send one to myself, resign. It's all right. I've got a golden parachute. Just send them to all your I got a golden parachute.

Just send them to all your mates. A golden parachute. When they're negotiating your salary. Oh, you don't have to pay me. Just give me that gold card. That'll cost you more chicken than you could ever give me money. That's right. All right.

Yes. Watch this space. Anyway. Watch this space. Watch this space. Anyway. Watch this space. Watch this space. Brady, I think I've got an old man at the door. Just a second. Okay. So, he'll just be checking.

It's me. Okay. Hang on a sec. No, no. I'm actually, when I come in late, very late like this, I'm just recording my podcast and I'm doing it late because my friend is in London, you see. So, we use the time difference. Yeah. No, that's all right. I've got an iced coffee here and I'm doing it late because my friend is in London, you see. So we use the time difference. Yeah. No, that's all right. I've got an iced coffee here and I'm good. I'm just,

just, that's what I'm doing. Okay. I'll be in tomorrow. Okay. Bye-bye.