The Unmade Podcast - Special: Tommyball Audiobook

Episode Date: May 5, 2020

Welcome everyone, it's Brady Haran here again on a very special Tommy Bowl podcast. Now, as you know, the Tommy Bowl season has been suspended on legal and medical advice. There was a lot of talk of continuing with the season, perhaps playing behind closed doors with just robot spectators. perhaps playing behind closed doors with just robot spectators, but on the advice of the World Health Organisation, which advised that the licking of opponents' faces was not recommended, and really you can't play Tommyball without that, so the authorities really had their hand forced,

and the season has been suspended until further notice. I am joined by Tommyball legend Tim Hine. Great to have you here, even under these circumstances. Oh, well, it's a pleasure to be here. You were one of the few people who thought the season should continue anyway. A lot of people thought maybe that was linked to your lucrative commentary contract and your well-publicised financial situation. Was that the case, or why did you want play to continue? Well, there's two thoughts on this that were in forefront of my mind.

The first one, of course, is the fact that I didn't see why the commentating couldn't go ahead without the game. I mean, these days people go to the game really for the commentating. They want to hear Tim Hines speaking and commentating as to what's going on, even indeed if there's nothing going on. But I have to say, at the end of the day, I can see now, given how soft the players are these days, it was just going to be too dangerous for them to be out there, given how soft they are these days. A lot of people thought having two people in the commentary box

might not even be safe, but you were willing to just commentate solo on no game. That's right. I mean, it's very old school to have two commentators. I can't see why I couldn't be the main commentator and be able to do self-interviews all the way through. I mean, even this interview could have really been with me and me. You're really quite superfluous, but I mean, you know, no offense. So, Tim, perhaps something you can give us an insight into is how does a Tommyball player stay in condition while they're not playing games so that when the season resumes, they'll be at peak Tommyball readiness? What would you do during a sort of an offseason or one of your numerous suspensions from the game?

Well, with pubs and bars closed, it has been difficult. Although, thankfully, KFC is still doing drive-through and that have that's that lifeline was negotiated just in time and i think most of the players are lining up and able to keep themselves well in shape in terms of the tommy ball season there's been a lot of talk about how the season should be decided if no more games are played obviously some games were suspended mid-game uh the table is still very uneven some teams have played more games than others how do we get out of this situation yeah that's a good question um i was wondering whether some sort of tribute game when we get back together could be sort of a one game to rule them all

kind of situation, a bit of an all-in, rather than going back to the, you know, with finicky stats. You put those stats and the figures away and have an all-in tribute game, perhaps in honour of one of the great players of Tommy Ball, and that could be a fundraiser. So what, named after that player or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and a fundraiser for that player um whoever right

he might be but um yeah there's a bit of and whoever wins that really is the the the tommy ball champion that that i think would be a great opportunity to uh honor one of the great players of the game and and also to be able to solve the whole season in one match. Now we have a very special treat for the listeners today, because as you know, it's hard not to know because he talks about it all the time. Tim recently wrote his most recent autobiography. I believe, is it called my lives,

a life in Tommy bowl and Tommy bowl commentating. Was that right? Yes. We're back to the shorter title. There was in the last edition a longer title, which was My Lives, A Life in Tommy Ball and Tommy Ball Commentating and Related Philanthropic Activities. Unfortunately, the lawyers have fought hard, but unfortunately lost, and we've had to remove the philanthropic part of it apparently.

Right. Not all the money was finding its way. I mean, you'd think that the Tim Hine, you know, wing of the Tommy Ball Museum was a philanthropic activity but apparently it's not. So anyway, that whole section of the book's gone. I mean, that was a thin section anyway, let's be honest. But we're back. My Life's A Life In Tommy Ball and Tommy Ball Commentating in an all new edition, slimmer, but with more in it. And more truthful, one could argue.

Well, again, I can't commentate. So anyway, Tim's autobiography has just recently also been released as an audiobook and as sort of a goodwill gesture to the community out there and to help them get through these lonely days without Tommy Ball. Tim has agreed to release the first three chapters of his book as a sort of a gift to the listening community for just the smallest of fees. Well, that's right. Reasonably small. And we're going to play that. We're going to play. Well, that's right. Reasonably small. And we're going to play that.

We're going to play that now. That's right, isn't it, Tim? I mean, this is a great book. People say I'm biased when I say that, but really I'm not. It's a great book. And to have it in audio and be able to have read the audio book version myself is a fantastic honour. People lined up Stephen Fry, people like that they wanted to get, but Murray Walker, he was lined up to do it. People were aching to do it, but I've done it,

and I think it's more the better. Well, it's only right that you read your own audiobook. So, here we go, people. Get yourself relaxed in a comfortable chair as we hear the first three chapters of Tim's autobiography. Let's do it. My Lives. A life in Tommyball and Tommyball commentating. Acknowledgements. Many great athletes succeed because of help they receive along the way. For example, I still remember my mother taking me to the highway near Luoyang power station and encouraging me to climb the fence to play amongst the heavy machinery and

coal heap. But often our mothers get too much credit. I think we forget to thank the most important person in any great athlete's career, the man himself. For that reason, I'm dedicating this book to myself. The one person who never lost faith in my ability, my skill, my desire to succeed at the highest level. Thank you, me. I couldn't have done it without you. Chapter 1. Humility. I'm often described as the most humble man to ever play Tommy Ball. Of course, it's not for me to comment on such things, but I do agree. Brilliant? Yes.

on such things, but I do agree. Brilliant? Yes. A creative genius? Certainly. But it's my humility I'm most proud of. Why, I hear you ask? Well, let me tell you. Because humility doesn't come easily when you're as good as I was, as good as I am. Sure, if I was an ordinary player, it'd be easy to be humble. But I'm not an ordinary player. Far from it. I'm an all-time great. The sort of player you'd expect to be boastful. And yet I'm not. I remain a mere servant to the great game of Tommyball.

I bow down at the feet of Tommyball and say, Sure, I may be the greatest player to have played you. I changed you in ways that no one could have imagined. And yet I seek nothing in return beyond what is financially fair. That's humility on a scale rarely seen, if ever. And although I'd never seek it, for that I deserve considerable credit. But where does this humility come from, I hear you ask? Well, for that we must return to my roots. To the story of a kid from the wrong side of the tracks who was born with nothing but desire, a will to win, and incredible family wealth. The year was 1969. The date was July 20th, the 20th day

of the seventh month of the 1969th year since years began. There had been literally thousands of days before this one. But this day was more special than those preceding days that had come before this day. Because while some eyes were fixed on the alleged moon landing, one woman's eyes were fixed solely on the maternity ward at Terralgan Community Hospital. She was about to give birth to her third child. Although she didn't know it yet, that child was a boy. A boy that would become a man. And not just any man. A man that would change the course of history. That man, that boy that would become a man, was me. And that woman was my mother.

This was the moment of my birth, one of the proudest days of my life. I didn't know it at the time, as I had just been born, but this was truly the start of a journey that would lead to some of the great Tommyball rumbi. My father couldn't be there. He owned a local paper mill, and July was always a busy time of year, but I know he was secretly proud. Researching this book, my ghostwriter uncovered Dad's old diaries and went straight to the day of my birth. Perhaps overcome with emotion, there's no mention of me or mum on that day, or any other day actually, but he did note in his diary that the day was marked by unusually high sales. A good omen no doubt.

I was a spirited and slightly overweight baby. Both my nannies had their hands full dealing with a condition they jokingly described as a highly active and catastrophic bowel disorder. I remain a fast digester even to this day, and I think it helps as an athlete. And besides, a great sayer of sayings once said, What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And my active bowel certainly didn't kill me. It made me stronger. And also very appreciative of ultra-absorbent toilet rolls. But look at me now. Not only uncommonly strong, but one of the greatest and most humble players ever to play the great game of Tommyball. We will continue this journey in Chapter 2,

where my childhood years are marked by more obstacles on the path to sporting immortality. Chapter 2. The Next Chapter. Many of my teachers noted my struggles with reading. To this day, I struggle to finish sentences because of, but my focus was never on the academic side of school. I'll leave that to the so-called readers in their ivory towers. For me, school was all about Tommyball. I still remember the first day at Kosciuszko Street Primary School, seeing the bigger kids being stretched from the rhombus and thinking to myself, that could be me one day.

Little did I know I'd be stretched from the rhombus later that same afternoon. But that was an incident I'd rather not talk about. It was clear from an early age I was destined for greatness. Looking at my reports from my school days, It was clear from an early age I was destined for greatness. Looking at my reports from my school days, the police often noted I had an aggressive yet creative streak. While they called it criminal intent, I prefer to describe it as knockabout charm. psychological assessments, the word aggressive was often used, along with narcissistic, delusional, and severely deprived of love. Now, I don't know about all those fancy doctor words, but I do know that it all added up to one thing. Tommyball. What few people will know,

except those who have read my five previous autobiographies is that my career was almost cut short by an early injury. An injury? On the Tommyball rumbus I hear you ask? No, you'll hear me answer. It was something far worse and far more serious. But for more on that you'll need to subscribe to my paywall protected private blog where I'll reveal details not shared here in a book that cost you a mere $25.99. Let's just say this. Some of the stunts you see in the film BMX Bandits are not possible for someone with even my incredible hand-eye coordination. After 16 weeks in hospital, and after extensive reconstructive surgery, which doctors described

as very personal, I was back on the rhombus. And I'd never felt better. Although to this day, I still get a slight tingling and intense stabbing pains along my right arm whenever I'm awake. whenever I'm awake. Chapter 3. Passion. I'm sure many of you are reading this book for juicy details about my love life. I know I have a bit of a reputation for being popular with the ladies, a reputation I certainly deserve, but I'm not one to kiss and tell this early in the book. But I'm not one to kiss and tell this early in the book. All that stuff will be in chapters 43 through 58. In this chapter, I'd like to talk about my other passion away from the rhombus. Animals.

Well, not all animals. I find cats, dogs and pandas a little distasteful, but I will always have a place in my heart for that most beautiful and graceful of creatures, the earthworm. My love for worms is well documented. In fact, many of you probably purchased items from my exclusive home worm farm collection, which was a fixture in many pet stores, until controversially being removed due to alleged breaches of manufacturing labour laws. Plenty has been written about that, and hefty fines have been paid, but what has never been revealed in audiobook form is where my love for worms originated. The answer is in the foothills of the Streslecky Ranges in Gippsland,

where my parents would often take me on weekends while they went shopping in Melbourne. I still remember Mum dropping me by the side of the road with a spade and a bucket, yelling at me to be careful as she sped into the distance. I would potter for hours in the dirt, pretending to dig for gold or diamonds or the bones of a dinosaur that died hundreds of years ago. But what I found instead were worms. Dozens of them. Not many people realise that Gippsland has some of the world's biggest worms, up to two metres long.

Some I would return to the wild, but others I would keep as company for the long walk home. I remember one in particular, old Bob. He was as long as my arm and had a kind of charm and charisma that I identified with. Maybe I saw a bit of myself in him. I took old Bob home and, as the first worm to survive the long trip, I kept him under my bed for days. I would secretly smuggle dirt into the house to feed old Bob, sometimes scattering two or three saucepans full of soil onto the carpet under there to keep him happy. Old Bob never really acclimatised to life in the house and, if I'm honest, his life was a short one. in the house and, if I'm honest, his life was a short one.

But to this day he remains the best friend I ever had. What does this touching story about old Bob have to do with Tommyball, I hear you ask? Well, firstly I think old Bob, and worms in general, can teach us a lot about the game. Earthworms are patient, thoughtful but also incredibly flexible. Sometimes too flexible. And although you rarely see it, worms are also capable of incredible feats of courage. Yet through it all, they remain generous and good-humoured. They are the ultimate Tommy Ball animal. It is for this reason I have a series of earthworms tattooed on my left

arm, including, you guessed it, old Bob himself. During the winter months when Tommyball players traditionally switched to sleeveless onesies, my worm tattoos would be on full display. Numerous opponents have told me that the sight of my worms on the rhombus would strike fear in their hearts. And I'm not ashamed to say the memories of old Bob often fill me with pride, determination and drive to succeed. The smell of dirt under my childhood bed still fills my nostrils. In fact, had I not already dedicated this book to myself, I may have considered old Bob for the honour. Maybe my next autobiography will be dedicated to him. But until then, old Bob, this chapter was for you.

Well, there you go, people. That's pretty moving stuff. Just the first three chapters. Tim, what was it like listening back to that? Sorry, I just need a minute here. I just... Sorry. Just that bit about old Bob.

Just gets me every time. Yep. Yeah. That's great stuff. That's. Yeah. That's great stuff. That's well written. That's great stuff. Yeah. No, your Ghost Rider is quite the talent.

Oh, yeah. How did you find recording the audio book? Like, was it done, like, in a sound booth or a studio? And, like, I've never recorded one, obviously. What's it like to read back your own story? I tried to do it in a studio, but, you know, it was a bit too artificial. And I tried a few more places around town, but the only place I really could get into the mindset was out on the open cut. My old thinking space out near the power station.

Yeah. My old thinking space out near the power station. Yeah. Not many books have been recorded out at an open-cut mine surrounded by coal, but I found it to be the perfect place. And I was, geez, it all flowed from there. Magnificent. Were you out there on the open-cut for long?

How long did the whole process take? Oh, no, not long. A few weeks, maybe a month. But? Right. Oh, gosh, it was invigorating. Reading my own material, hearing about my own life. Do you know what I found?

It was inspirational. I was inspired by my own story, and that's rare. I've heard of people when they're recording audiobooks, they like to have a cup of tea or lemon juice or things to keep their voice in just the right tone. Do you have any sort of little tricks of the trade that you would share to anyone out there who might record an audiobook one day? Well, I recommend people say you shouldn't have milk

while you're singing or speaking, but seven or eight Farms Union iced coffees just did the trick for me. Right. I was able to throw them down and they kept the voice on the song, that's for sure. Get the job done. What's happening with movie rights? There's been a lot of talk about the movie, obviously. There's a bit of a bidding war.

Any update on that? Well, it's hard because what happens with an audio book is it's in some ways better than a movie because you can just picture everything with your mind. And so once you go along and see the movie, the danger is that it will be diminished because you won't have me in there, unless, of course, I'm playing me, which would make a lot of sense, in which case it would be enhanced. Right.

Well, it probably wouldn't be enhanced because it's me or diminished. It would be exactly the same. It would be exactly the same it would be it would be exactly the same and um well that's what you want well i mean you lead me perfectly to my next question because it's well documented that throughout your fight the final year of your tommy ball career you were followed by a film crew and there's been a lot of debate over uh who has the rights to that footage but i'm finally hearing that maybe a net Netflix deal has been done and we're going to have like a Michael Jordan-style documentary, The Last Waltz with Tim Hine.

Yes. Can you shed any light on that? Well, that's right. We were talking to Netflix about it, but I get the feeling, I mean, they pointed this out, this may be bigger than Netflix. I mean, they're even talking about it going direct to VHS. That's the kind of product they think it could move. Direct to video, I think the guy on Netflix said as he hung up.

And I think there's an opportunity there because people could buy the book. They can get the VHS about the same size as the book. They can sit on the shelf. They can watch it over and over and over again. And they don't have to pay a Netflix subscription. I'd heard stories they might be starting a whole new subscription streaming service just for this documentary. No, no, no, I've heard that too. That's right.

Yes, that's right. Timflix. That's a good idea. Timflix. Yeah. Yes. Yes, and I'm getting a nod. No, that's a very good idea.

That's a very good idea. That's a very good idea. What should people have obviously had their appetites wet by the first three chapters of My Lives. What do people do if they want to hear more? If you want the full 58 chapters, then you, well, you need to buy the book. Obviously, you need to go to Waterball or you need to buy it through Amazon and get the whole 58 chapters. Those compact discs will be posted to you directly and you put them in and you listen to them.

I mean, it's quite a large package. You won't miss it, 58 CDs. But, gosh, worth it. Any word on the cassette version? Oh, yes. For people who like, you know, because some people want to listen to it in their car and not every car has a CD player.

Sometimes people still have cassette players. Oh, indeed. Yes. No, that's a very good point. That's a very good point. And I believe the people doing the record, the LP, are also taking care of the cassette. So that's great.

Look at these hipsters. Hipsters, they love their records and so there's a there's a 58 lp series that'll be coming out and you'll be able to uh to uh to listen to the whole story all the way through i really encourage people not to jump ahead though you've really got to i mean you want to get a lot of people want to get to the stories later on you know the gossip but you've got to hear about the earthworm But you've got to hear about the earthworms. You've got to hear about Bob, old Bob. Because if you want to understand who I am, then I tell you, you don't understand me without understanding worms.

Fair enough. I mean, I think people to really appreciate it should listen to each chapter twice before moving on to the next chapter. Oh, that's a very good. In fact, we've recorded it twice, So you have to before you can move on. So that's, yeah, we've taken that into consideration. Excellent. Well, until those cassettes and CDs and LPs and everything else finally get to market,

you can always go to patreon.com slash unmade FM. That's right. Absolutely. In fact. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, we appreciate you putting those three chapters out for us tim um it was a it was a rare treat it is a it is a treat isn't it's a gift it's a great one of the great some of those stories some of those stories

as someone who has read all your previous autobiographies some of those stories i'd only heard twice before yes that's right and now and you get them twice before. Yes, that's right. And you get them twice on this edition. So, I mean, talk about value. I mean, this is fantastic. They should give a Nobel Prize for literature and I'd win. They should. They should. They should have mentioned that if they had a Nobel Prize for literature.

But until then, this has been Brady Haran here with Tommy Ball legend and almost Hall of Famer Tim Hine. Take care, people. So long, folks. Special thanks to our Patreon supporters for making this episode possible. Some outtakes and bloopers and behind-the-scenes recordings from the making of this episode can be found at patreon.com slash unmadefm.