The Unplanned Podcast with Matt & Abby - Our Birth, Fighting Postpartum Depression & C-Section Recovery

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

Baby August was born!! In this episode, we talk through the process of having a C-section and about how we feel to now be a family of four! Make sure to rate our podcast and leave a review if you can, it really helps us out! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He was out so fast. They told me they were like, you're gonna feel a little pressure and then all of a sudden screaming like a banshee. Here is August Jacob. It felt like we cheated Bert. We were like, this is easy. Everything's going so great.

Nothing possibly could go wrong, but quickly they started to hurt. Everyone's eyes are on the baby. It's easy for moms to go overlooked. The emotional needs after Bert are so great. It feels like the world's ending. It feels like my life as I knew it is completely uprooted my instincts

and my like nature just wants to do it all and take care of everyone. And I am sitting here needing to be taken care of a lot. There's no other word I have for it other than I feel pathetic. What's up, dudes? And welcome back to the unplanned podcast. Wow, what a whirlwind it has been.

Oh my gosh, we just had our second kid we're now a family of four. It's just paying the picture right now. I have an ice pack strapped just above my crotch. Nice. My boobs are... They're explode. Rock solid.

I think your boobs are bigger than your butt at this point. Undoubtedly. And I don't even know what I was expecting. Is that painful? Is that painful? It's extremely painful. We'll get into that. Great.

And we're both exhausted, but we are, I mean, honestly, we're at the point where every day is dramatically better than the one before it. I was up so before it at the last night, but surprisingly, it was our best night yet. So. And we have done everything we can to sneak away from our family just to get here.

Yeah. For one hour, we're going to give you what we've got. Okay, let's get started. So the day of the C section. I want to start back a little bit. Oh, where are we starting? We're going to start back at Griffin's birth. Griffin had shoulder dystocia, is that? Yeah, so Griffin's shoulders got stuck in the delivery, which is why it was

you know, presented as an option to do a schedule to see such in this time around, which we took and they were completely different experience. Totally different. Skipping labor is the wildest thing. That is weird. Because it's like you just bypassed that like extremely intense experience. And I'm kid you not okay let's go to the day of the surgery. How are you yeah how are you feeling that day? The morning of the surgery how did you feel? So the morning I woke up I was insanely calm like yeah I did feel like I wanted to be alone to just kind of like, you know, get into a good headspace and relax. And I just feel like there's a good, it's a good time just kind of like gather your thoughts

and just like evaluate how am I feeling right now. I felt great. Like I, there was a time in the night where I slept good except I did wake up at like 330 and I was just like, it was like Christmas morning. I'm like something big is happening and like, we were about to meet a new member of our family and we knew that it was happening. It's like with another, with our induction or kind of just waiting to get a call

to say that there was a bit available. And so we didn't know, but like to be, like go to bed that night, knowing the next day we were gonna meet our baby was the most insane. I say Christmas morning, but that doesn't even do a justice. Like it's like, we're about to meet the person that we're gonna have in our lives. I think it kind of snuck up on me.

I felt like I was running around, like a chicken with this head cutoff. I was trying to get as many things done as possible before the birth, and I just saw time ticking away, and I was like, crap, I need to do this, I need to do this, and long story short, I did not get all the things done that I wanted to get done, but that's okay.

And yeah, it was. And that was still like with knowing when it was happening. I know, that was the weirdest thing too. Knowing the day, knowing the time, the location, everything. That was so weird, because with the first birth, we had no idea. I mean, we didn't know the hospital we were going to, but there were so many unknowns in this time,

it was all scheduled, and that was really weird. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was weird, but it was also extremely nice. Like, it was very handy. Like, I knew, you know, when the end was coming and I knew what to do, like, I was ready, I was showered. I would say I was well fed, but I wasn't, because they were

recommended that I'd be fasted. So I hadn't eaten for like 12 hours before. So yeah, basically the night before is when I just like, I stopped eating once I went to bed that night. And I had this sporadic decision the morning of to show you the song that I wrote for our son, which like, I was like, do I show it to her now? Cause then she can listen to it at the hospital

and during the recovery. And I was like, you know what? Abby deserves to know the song. I was so hesitant to let Matt play this song for me cause I was already feeling like, okay, I wanna be as strong mentally as I can going into this and I feel like this song could break my heart in a good way. But I was like, I just can't have it broken right now because about to break anyway. But no, it was

such a good song. We've been listening to it so much. Thank you. It's been literally in my head. Thank you. I love, love, love this song. Have they heard it yet? I don't know. I think at the time of this podcasting out, I'm sure that the song's already out. We could probably like just put a link in the description of the episode. Oh my gosh. People wanna listen to it. But. And I feel like so many people will be able to relate this

and just, I don't know, see their own family in this experience. It was fun writing it, because I was thinking about memories with my dad and how we used to go watch little league baseball games and get ice cream on Friday nights together and just had so many fun memories of us spending quality time and I'm like,

what are the things I wanna do with my son that are going to be our special things? And so it was really fun playing that song for you. I'm glad you liked it. So. Thank you for sharing it with us. Of course. I'm glad that you made this one public and I didn't have

to like- This one is public. Yeah, you didn't have to leak this song. Abby leaked my last song. I didn't tell anybody about it except for her. But other people- This is our not except for her But a lot of people can be touched by your music. Thank you. I think this one's good I mean like not to say my first song was bad But like that one was more for you and then this one obviously was for our son

But I feel more comfortable with other people listening to it I think other people can hopefully connect to the song and feel some of the same things that I was feeling as I wrote those lyrics, but I connect to the song and feel some of the same things that I was feeling as I wrote those lyrics, but um, I think the song is good and I like it and I'm, I was so excited to show you so I'm glad, I'm glad you like it. I love it and to be able to listen to a lot, especially like in the middle of the night when things are like crazy with a newborn that doesn't know as days and as nights. Yeah. It's been really like uplifting and kind of like reminds us of like Yeah, it's been really like uplifting and kind of like reminds us of like What I don't know like how precious these moments are even though sometimes they can feel really like

Oh my gosh, I just wish that we'd be past the stage, you know, but so we get to the hospital We will know so you play the song for me and then we just like it like all it just the morning went so fast Okay, we said goodbye to our son. We put him down for his last nap and then packed up the car and left. And we're headed to the hospital. And it was very surreal. Like, any time you're going to the hospital to have a baby and we get there. And basically, we just got admitted.

They asked us a bunch of questions. It's very calm because I'm obviously not having intense contractions. I was having contractions since, honestly, for over three weeks before we had him, which usually with a scheduled C-section, I think you always have him at 39 weeks. I was 39 weeks in two days. So I was having contractions, but they weren't actively where contractions weren't painful.

And they weren't progressing active labor contractions weren't painful. And they weren't like progressing into labor anytime soon probably. We go, answer all the questions, and then we're back in our labor and delivery suite, which I didn't think they would put me in a labor and delivery room since I wasn't laboring. We were barely back there though. Yeah, I go back, They have me wipe my belly, sanitize it, which I think is just extra because I'm sure they sanitize it in that operating room, a million times. Rub my belly, like, sanitize it. It was kind of like emotional too saying goodbye to the belly, like, the last time. Yeah. And, um, you're getting emotional? Yeah.

Yeah, and um You're getting emotional. Yeah It's okay. I'm a hormonal mess. It's okay, but um If anyone else is like you understand you understand like after you have a Baby even if you don't necessarily love being pregnant like I don't love being pregnant There's something about it where you're just like, I cannot believe. Like you were inside me and now you're out and it just like makes me sad. And away, even though I like love him being out here and like getting to hold him and snuggle him. Yeah. It's the most confusing thing because I wouldn't say that I like being pregnant. But then there's this happened with Griffin like the last time when I was pregnant,

I was just like afterwards. I was like, I want him back to my belly. I don't understand why my hormones do that to us. I guess that's why we keep having babies, right? Yeah. Because you just like, the hormones are crazy. They are so crazy. So anyway, sanitize the belly, change into the gown and the little socks, the gripper socks,

and give us our hair nuts. And then we wait back there for a little bit. Because I think they like make sure you're stable. Like because they had a reading that could see my like contractions, they could see that the baby was stable. They're doing fetal heart monitoring. And then I mean, I was probably back there with, I was with you for 45 minutes. Yeah, probably 45 minutes.

And then 15 minutes for you back, Matt's getting in his scrubs and the vines were so calm. Like, I feel like it wasn't. Well, you weren't in labor. Like, before, with the first birthday, you were in labor. It was very painful for you. And I was worried about you being in the most pain you've ever experienced in your whole entire life. And so this was just really chill. And it was oddly chill. It was really, yeah, really comfortable, Matt scrubbed up, you looked really cute in your scrubs. Thank you. I pictured them being blue, but they were green.

So it was different. What's up with that? I don't know, you had a blue hair nap. You know what it is? They wanted us to look different than the actual staff, because if I wore blue scrubs, then I would look like I worked the hospital, that has to be what it is, right?

That's probably it. Yeah. I don't know. And so then, you know, it's weird. What? Why did they wheel me back for surgery? Because I wasn't numb or I hadn't had anything at that point. Great question. Oh, well, you didn't have an IV in your arm. I know. I could walk with that. Weird. Yeah, I don't know. But basically they had me get in the bed and they wheeled me into the OR. Yeah, you had your IV. I was still feeling so calm.

There was never any time where I was super nervous. Yeah, it was weird that you couldn't- I was so excited. Obviously you couldn't eat or drink anything, leading up to the surgery, but it was weird that they did tell you the one exception was having a little bit of apple juice. And was it Tylenol?

That you took? Tylenol and apple juice. Because it apparently helps the pain after the P-section. Nothing tasted better than apple juice after I was so thirsty through the night. After fasting. Yes. And so I had like 16 ounces of apple juice and Tylenol and then they wheel us back and

then you had to leave for like, so if you do have a scheduled tea section just be prepared to not have your, it could be scary. Like if you're not expecting to have your support person leave you, that could be something that you might just want to prepare for. Because also I'm pretty sure, yeah. Sometimes they don't even let your partner in until you're already open. Which is, I don't know how to say that on the way. Yeah, you weren't open yet.

When I came back into the room, they hadn't even started on you. Yeah. So basically Matt left me for maybe 10 minutes. Like it wasn't long. And at that time, they gave me a shot to numb. Like, I think it was just lidocaine. Yeah.

The site of the spinal blocker, which is what they gave me for like as like to numb me during the procedure. And the anesthesiologist was so nice so calm he was very very kind. He was a super nice guy. Yeah, and then he... Where you just like laying there like naked though like on a table just like... Well let me I'm gonna get to it. I do know what happened when you were gone. Not really. So they had me like sit up and like, I lean forward and they numb the site, which that was probably the most uncomfortable part of that of the whole surgery.

Yeah. Was numbing it before the spinal blocker. Okay. Which I did feel the spinal blocker go in, but it's more of just like a pressure and not a pain. Yeah. And it all happened so fast. So it's like, it really wasn't that painful

when you consider like it lasted what, 60 seconds max. They numb me. And then there's a bunch of people in the room at this time. And I am new. Probably somewhere in between that, like eight people. And so then they just say, they numb you and then you slowly, they slowly lay you back. I'm saying you, but they slowly laid me back.

And I could, the odd thing is, is like I could tell when they were like moving, removing my gown and stuff, but I couldn't. Wait, you knew, but you couldn't feel it. It's so hard to explain. Like I was naked. Could you feel like air hitting your face as your clothes came off?

Like how did you know? I have no, I think that. Could you feel like air hitting your face as your clothes came off? Like, how did you know? I have no, I think that I could still feel touch. It was more of like the, I don't really know what I'd explain it. Oh, you know what it is. So it's like when your face is numb at the dentist, like you can still feel like yourself touching your face, but it's still numb. So maybe it's like, maybe it's other places in your body

that are feeling the vibrations from that area, but those, because it's not like your face was numb, but you're down here, you were numb. So then they laid me back and I am still incredibly calm. They asked me like, what songs I wanted to play and they're playing music. I told them I wanted to listen to Johnny Swim, but I think there was a miscommunication.

They start playing John Mayer, which is totally fine because that's the vibe I wanted, but she's chill, like relaxing, sweet, and it really made a big difference. It kind of set the atmosphere is like so calm and they basically like come in and they're like, well then they put the catheter in. So my legs are, I knew my legs were like,

splaid open and they were putting, I could feel the catheter going in. Did you feel uncomfortable at all that, like everybody was just like moving so quickly around you and you didn't really know what was going on? I mean, a little bit I guess, but it wasn't like anything, it wasn't that big. I felt like everyone else was in so,

so in control that I was like, I don't even need to know what's going on. Like it was a well-oiled machine in there. They knew what they were doing. They knew exactly what they were doing and I felt, I feel really comfortable with my doctor. This is the second baby she's delivered of ours and I just felt so, I was in good hands.

And so then they brought you in. I don't think they really did anything else and I was kind of laying there by myself for a while. Oh, they do like lay your arms out and then they put the, because I could still kind of move my arms, I think. And then they put the curtain just above my neck so then I couldn't see anything. I was still like, the curtain wasn't up and they did the catheter or anything.

So like I could still see stuff. The curtain goes up and then I'm pretty sure you came in. Was the curtain up when you came in? It was, it was. But you could see everything. Yeah, I could. Were my legs out and everything? My vagina totally out.

I mean, they have a safe vagina on this podcast. I don't even know. So sorry to interrupt. I have a very specific ask for you. And if you have someone in your life, maybe a new mom or just new parents in general, someone that is pregnant, send this podcast to them. Send this podcast to somebody that needs to have a friend to help them through a hard time.

We wanna be your buddy. So, yeah. And we feel really thankful for this community. So, let's just let it grow. And yeah, thanks. And let's get back to the episode. I mean, they had some sort of like film, some sort of like plasticy looking thing on your body.

It's almost like they had, like, you know how with paint by numbers, they have different sections like labeled that you know like where to go. It's almost like they had like labeled your abdomen or like labeled use. It's like this is where we're gonna do the incision. Yeah, because I think they had like markings

with a marker on your stuff. I'm pretty sure. I get in there. I thought they just marked on me. And they, it looked like they had some sort of device or tube or something like literally, like right into your abdomen. Like you were opened up. No, because we haven't gotten even to the part where they opened me up, because I did

want to tell people I could feel them opening me up. Oh, yeah. Tell me about that. Did they use scissors? I don't know. I wasn't watching. I was almost positive it was scissors. I was a little nervous. So I was just trying to focus.

Oh, you were nervous. Yeah, but I was just focused on you, and I was trying to keep you calm and play with your hair, and just like talk to you. Why is that a big surprise? Because I actually wasn't really nervous. Oh, you were nervous for me. Yeah, I was nervous for you. Wait, describe how you were feeling. Like, when you went back by yourself, what'd you do?

I was nervous for you. I didn't want you to be scared. I didn't want you. I was, I don't know why I always have this irrational fear, but I had this like weird fear that, what if Abby could feel everything? Like, that really, really scared me. I knew that was like irrational,

but it was still a fear. I was like, I really hope that they got some sort of system in place in case the numbing didn't work. I don't know, like, I was really worried about you being comfortable and not being in pain. You know the reason was? You know the numbing didn't work. I don't know, I was really worried about you being comfortable and not being in pain, ripping out all that. You know the reason why? You know the reason why?

You know the reason why? All that. Wasn't thinking about that. You're kidding. Because I was. Really? I was, yeah. I mean, I don't know how to explain it.

I guess I can kind of separate my mind from my circumstances sometimes. Yeah. And I think that happened. I just associated. I don't know if that's the right word. I think I just missed use that. But basically like I felt really calm. Like I just I don't know how to maybe they gave me like medicine to make me feel calm or something. Yeah. But yeah. So they started the procedure and I will say not to freaking one out. I did feel them. It's like they say you like feel things, but it's not painful and it's such a weird, I was honestly kind of looking forward to this

in a way to just know what the feeling is like. You're kidding. Just to know what the feeling is like. You're kidding. Just to know, like I was like, well, I wouldn't opt to do this obviously, but like, just to know if you're like, okay, this is gonna happen, I'm kind of curious

like what this is gonna feel like. And it is such a weird thing because you do, you're like there in my insides and pulling things out and moving things around and cutting things and sniping and pushing. And what did you see my organs outside my body? You know what, I really didn't notice. Okay.

It looked like they had like taking your belly and like flapped it down. Almost like they had like, like see like my lips, it's almost like they're like pulled your lips down. You know what, you see my dude tattoo on my bottom lip? Yeah, that. It's almost like they did that with your belly.

Do you guys want to know the craziest thing? What? In the light, there's obviously so many lights in the operating room. That's the other thing, it was so bright in there, which makes sense, obviously they need to see what they're doing.

In the light of the reflection, I could see what was happening. And obviously it wasn't extremely clear and it was very tiny, but it did look like grazenatomy, but it was actually my body. And it was so... It's one of those things where I was like, I probably shouldn't look at this, but it wasn't freaking me out. And so I couldn't honestly look away at times. Basically 15 minutes after I was open, I maxed 15 minutes. It felt like I walked in and they pulled out the baby right there. He was out.

It was so fast. They told me they were like, you're gonna feel a little pressure and then they like kind of pushed on my belly and then it wasn't anything crazy and all of a sudden screaming like a banshee, here is August Jacob. It felt like we cheated birth. It was, it was crazy.

After going through such a scary traumatic, you know, I mean, it was almost like, it was bloody too. Like there was blood everywhere with the first birth. I was not expecting that. So with this one, it felt like we cheated. Cause if we just like walked into the hospital, walked into this room, boom, you're open and here's our kid. It was just like so quick.

I was like, there's no way this is happening right now. It was, it was really a beautiful experience. Like, happened so fast, it was so calm. He was just, like screaming and we knew he was good and... He was big. He came out, did he seem big? Yes, I mean, they're holding him up

and he's just like, he's covered in all the goop and I mean, he looks so cute now, but every time, every time with birth, so like when babies come out right away, bro, they look like little aliens. They kind of are. They don't look, they look extra trusty, they're not.

Well, they're kind of purple and covered in gunk. But they didn't show me him. I thought they were gonna like put him over the curtain and show me him. Wait, yeah, why didn't they do that? I don't know, but it's okay, I heard his cry and that was really sweet. Wait, I just realized that.

Now I'm sad for you, they never got, you never saw your baby. They're gonna lower the curtain, I got to see him. I thought they would like come around and show your baby. They didn't come around and show your baby right away. No, they took him, but you know, you went with him. Wait, yeah, now I'm bummed for you because I got to see all that, but you didn't get to see the baby. Because like in videos I've seen of birth, that's what they do is they take the baby around.

Were you sad that you didn't get to see him? I don't know how to tell you this. I don't remember how I felt in this moment. It all happens so fast. It felt like it was happening to somebody else. Yeah. And so that's why like when you're like, where you scared, I don't know, where you happy. I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know how somebody else. Yeah. And so that's why when you're like, where you're scared, I don't know, where you happy. I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know how it felt.

Yeah. But then I heard his cry and then it was like starting to like awaken me. I was like, oh my gosh, that's my baby. Like that's my son. Yeah. And then it took him and then everyone was like, wow, he's so healthy.

He's a big guy. And August Jacob was born at 1252 on August 10th. He was, healthy, he's a big guy. And August Jacob was born at 12.52 on August 10th. He was, what was he? Eight pounds, 14 ounces. 21 inches long. And he was mad. He was not, he was so angry. He was so angry.

He did not want to be out of the room. He was so snugly, I think it was drawing for him. I'm sure it was. Because it happened so fast. Can you imagine just being like, like taken out of your home so quickly? So bright. So cool.

You're just chilling in there. So they go and they quickly, they were really quick about this, like doing whatever they needed to do. And then, Well, I can tell you what they did. Well, yeah, tell me. What did they do?

They went ahead and weighed him, they measured him. They put this stuff on his like eyes to like, I don't know who's cleaning his eyes or just to make sure that they didn't get infected. I don't know what it was, but they put all this goop on his eyeballs or like right between the little eyelids, yeah. And they clean him up a little bit. They kind of like, I think they wiped him down.

They leave some of that so they can call vernic. Oh, and then for their skin. Yes, vernic. And then I got to cut the cord. So they had all of that there for me, and I cut the cord. Wait, did you see the placenta? I didn't. I forgot to say that.

I donated my placenta. Wait, I'm very proud of you for doing that, by the way. Thank you for donating your placenta. It's for, they kind of gave you a rundown of like, who, like, what it's for, but a lot of it goes to burn victims and helping them, like, with skin grafts and, like, growing their skin. So they came in before my surgery

and I wasn't prepared to be asked this, but I'm glad they asked me, do you feel comfortable donating your placenta and I was like, sure. Basically, if you wanna do it, I think they used some of it for research too, but mostly it's for burn victims, it's what they were explaining.

But basically, they ask you a lot of questions. It's like 40 questions, some of them are very personal. Very, very personal. But basically, they ask you a lot of questions. It's like 40 questions. Some of them are very personal. Very, very personal. There was like 10 questions about sex in there. I'm like, wow, why does this, is this necessary for a placenta donation?

I'm sure they need to make sure, like if they're going to use it on other people that... I guess STDs are a thing that probably... They know what makes a difference, I guess. And so then they ask questions and then they did a blood draw. And then that's all they had to do. Never even saw your placenta. That thing was whisked away. So they cut it,

but then you get to just cut the cord a little closer. That's a good point, because the cord is obviously attached to the placenta. You know what? I think they had cut the cord, but not like, they let me cut it closer. They let me cut it closer.

So they could have done it for me. But I think if you cut it straight from the placenta. I can't remember. I don't know. You know, I feel like they make a big deal about this stuff, but really? No, I think it's more like a ceremonial thing for dad. Like, they already do the cutting

because I'm pretty sure with both births, I don't think that the corpse has attached the placenta at that point. I think they just had like a salad foot long cord for me to work with. There you go. Just to make me feel good about myself. That's funny.

So was that cool? It was cool. I mean, That's funny. So was that cool? It was cool. I mean, it's weird. I'm like, are we sure this doesn't hurt them? Because it's like the cord is so, it looks like it's flesh, you know? It's like, But you know it's not because it dies immediately.

I know, but it's like connected to an organ or it was inside your body. So it feels weird like cutting that. That is weird because it's like not a part of me and it's not a part of him. Yeah. I mean, I guess it technically is a part of both of us for only the shared time that were together in a technical body.

They asked us if we like wanted to frame the placenta or like turn it in pills or... No, they said that the woman they asked before me was going to take a home to paint with her placenta. To paint with the placenta. And you know what? Look, to each their own, I get it. But at the same time, this is an organ like... Don't make me laugh, it hurts.

You can't... Sorry, I know, know making you laugh that does hurt your decision It's also not just like I mean it does provide nutrients for the baby But also is kind of like a liver like it filters out. No, it's in it is yeah, it's an organ So you don't really catch people like taking other organs out of their body and like painting with them But I guess I guess this is one it Enersed your baby in you yeah, I can see that but also It's not for me. It's all I'm just gonna say about that. It nourished your baby in your womb. I can see that, but also it's not for me. It's all I'm just gonna say about that. It's just not for me.

I just, you can use it for science. Making it into pills would be cool, but I'm glad that you donated it, though, because it's like we can buy pills at the grocery store. We, but these burn victims who need skin. It's pretty cool. Graphs, it's cool that you're able to donate that. So I'm proud of you.

I know that you don't get your, I don't know, I know that you hate getting your blood drawn. I don't hate it, but it's like, yeah, let's, I'm glad that you were able to donate that. You're actually like, I hate it and I'm like terrified of it. Okay, well, I don't know. There's been times where you were afraid of it. Like when we donated plasma in college.

That was the one reason I didn't like that because I almost passed out. That's true. Something weird was happening with my blood there. I think they did something wrong. They like use like a too big of a Like they use like a straw To take my blood out Yeah, when you do plasma donation they use a really thick and I think I was like blacking out a little bit. Yeah

Any hoot so Matt's with the baby they get him all prepared and then did you carry him over? I brought him over to you So we had him all swaddled up. This is kind of fun to recap together. Yeah, got him all cozy in his swaddle, put a little hat on him, got some pictures. We just kind of hung out while they stitch you up. That took a while.

No, no, no, because you brought him to me right away. Yeah, I brought him to you and I just left him. And then his head, our heads were together. Yeah. While I was getting closed up, which that took a long time. Yeah. I would say the rest of the surgery was probably like 40 minutes,

don't you think? Yeah. That I was like, okay, can we wrap this up? But I also wanted them to do a good job. So his head was on mine, and I just, he calmed down, and it was just so beautiful. Yeah. Getting to see him.

Obviously, I wish I could have held him right away, like you can in a normal vaginal delivery, but I got to hold him so soon. So anyway, they're finishing up the surgery. I can feel things moving around. Nothing was painful. Something I did not expect with my C-section was the shoulder pain, which I think didn't we read something before when we were like preparing for a C-section that like you could have your shoulders hurt. I feel like we read that on a Pinterest thing and I was like, okay, whatever, that's weird, probably not going to happen to me. No. My left shoulder was in, of course, this is the last thing you'd expect. You're cut open. They've separated your abdomen,

like, yeah. My shoulder is hurting. I don't know thing you'd expect. You're cut open. They've separated your abdomen. Like, yeah. My shoulder is hurting. I don't know how to explain it. I thought something was on my shoulder. I actually told the anesthesiologist. I was like, something is pulling on my shoulder. He's like, no, it's trapped gas. Weird.

How does gas travel up from the incision wound? End your shoulder, but it did. It didn't hurt. And you weren't, I wish you would have been more vocal with me about that, because I didn't know that you were in all this pain. Like I didn't realize it was that bad. Well, I was the only thing about the baby,

but then everyone's always like, oh my gosh, my shoulder really hurts. It really hurts, really hurts. But I was also like, what are they gonna do about it? If I keep talking about it. So that was something I did not expect, and not everyone feels that, but I did. I got some serious shoulder pain

So then my doctor's like talking to me as this whole procedure is going on Yes, and what was weird to me Abby is they were just having casual conversation while they were cutting you open stitching you back up Doing all that they were talking about trucks and I wasn't talking. I was just like quiet Yeah, I almost feel like people were like hey, what do you want to do for lunch after this? Yeah, we go get some Chipotle you, like it was just like so casual for them, which was weird, but it also made it more calming because I was like, ah, they're just chilling. Like they've done this a million times.

They're just casually talking about trucks. Yeah. Well, they stitch you up, you know? Yeah. So that was good. Wait, so they were doing stitches then? Yes, I think at the point that I heard the nurses and doctors talking about trucks

was when you were being stitched up. So I think they stitch up what they can, but they don't stitch up everything that they separate in there. And then at the incision site, they actually put staples in mind, which most doctors apparently don't do anymore. But my doctor put staples in. For a cosmetic reason, right? She was wanting to make this skin.

That's what she said. She thinks that like lays flatter Lays flatter. Okay. We'll see. So there's probably like ten staples in it. Yeah, and Basically then they're like great. The baby came out. They said that he would have had broad shoulders So and he hadn't descended all into my pelvis at the time of the surgery even though my body was trying to probably Get him there because of a contraction. So My doctor felt pretty confident that we would have probably ended up in an OR in the OR at some point anyway Which I know that there's so many oh my gosh

I know there's so many opinions on births I'm like so has the dentist I know that the minute I talk about it then it gives people the right to share their opinion on it Yeah, like disclaimer This is just our story This is just our experience and so if something we say offends you like please just know that we're just sharing Our side of things and I'm sure there's so many other experiences that you could hear or maybe your experience was very different from ours But this is just our experience. I'm sorry. Yeah, like but but the same time, the doctor did say after our son came out that it most likely would have been an emergency C section

because he had such broad shoulders he would have not fit through the birth canal. And on top of that, he hadn't descended at all. And he was really high up. And I don't think people realize like, if you have one shoulder to still show, you're most likely gonna have another one there. Well, that's a people disagree on.

So I guess, oh, that's the hot topic. There's so many fields of thought on it. And I know that the minute that I bring it up, it gives people the right to like, of course, I thought the facts show that you are more likely to have one if you have one. People disagree on it. So, sorry if that offense,

I've had that someone. No, and also this isn't medical advice. This is completely the opposite of medical advice. We are not even close to doctors. This is where people that had a baby. And this podcast is being recorded in our home. And after this, we're gonna have to go... And after this, I'm gonna have to go pump.

Yeah, we're gonna have to go pump and feed our child breast milk. So, anyway. Anyway, yeah. So. Dude, okay, can I just say this? What? I was cracking up after the surgery

with how like silly you were acting because you were on some serious drugs. I was being silly. Yeah, like you were like, I haven't felt this good in weeks. Oh. After the surgery, like you had just been to open. No, no, no, you're skipping apart.

Because you were back to our labor and delivery suite and I was so close to blowing chunks. Like I forgot about that. Yeah, so I got back in the room and I was feeling great and then all of a sudden I was like, I am not great. Like I thought I was on cloud nine and then all of a sudden I was like, I'm going to throw up and it's gonna hurt really bad

because I just got major surgery on my abdomen. My blood pressure apparently dropped and then I was feeling so nauseous, which I know is really common. They give you anti-naudio-medicine, but still something about it, just I think it's anesthesia. I think it's really nauseous.

Why did they give you alcohol? They gave you these little tiny alcohol. So I didn't throw up. So to not throw up, they kind of like laid me back and like they were like offering, I could have held my baby right away after like we got back in there. But I like I really couldn't because it wouldn't have been saved because I was so close to vomiting

So they gave me alcohol to sniff and like laid me back and just kind of like how me take deep breaths I was fighting it so hard Matt like You know I I can't fight vomit. I didn't realize that was happening because I was so distracted by our new child Yeah, and so I was trying not to talk because I was like, I can not, all I could do is focus on not throwing up. So I don't know how long I felt like that. I'd probably say somewhere between five to seven minutes.

They injected you with some anti-najia medicine, right? Did they? I'm pretty sure they did. I think they put it into your IV. I think. Or I think they just gave me more fluids. Really? Okay. Something like, maybe they did. They did something and I think they just gave me more fluids. Really? Okay.

Something like, maybe they did. They did something and I felt better. So then that was good. And then I, why do I not remember? Is that when I held Oggy for the first time and that labor and delivery sweet? I think it is. I don't think we waited until we moved to postpartum.

It happened so fast. You guys, it sounds bad. I don't even remember the first time that held my son, but like everything was happening so fast. So they got me, they have a well-willed machine. Like I said, they got us out of the labor and delivery suite. We were in postpartum.

And I was so excited to be there because then that meant that we could see family. And my mom was there. And my mom was like, I literally can I even believe how fast that baby came out. She's like, I couldn't even make it to the hospital in time. Like, because even though it was scheduled, like they were just going so fast. And I think that was like the most surreal thing is that

the last time I saw my mom was like, what? Maybe three hours ago and now we were holding our son and she was getting to meet her grandson. And I think in that moment, we were like, wow, this is like, this is easy. Everything's going so great. Nothing possibly could go wrong. Like, this is the best. It was feeling like we had access the cheat codes to childbirth.

The ultimate cheat code is what it felt like. So sorry to interrupt this podcast, but I know that Matt's not gonna do it. So I'm gonna do it for him because I am his biggest fan. But if you would not mind, which I know you wouldn't, please check out his song. It is so Do you know what the name of the song is?

It's actually called falling in love falling as I think I'm falling in love. Oh, yeah That's the that's the line. So it's falling in love falling in love. Well, that's humiliating that I didn't know the actual title of it I thought was I think I'm falling in love. No. It's falling in love and it is the most just sweet heartwarming song. And I think that a lot of people could relate to it and just enjoy it. It's so easy to listen to and it's been stuck in my head all the time. But like in a good way, it's not like it's a great song to have stuck in your head. So definitely check it out. I think we'll put a link here.

I think people can follow me on Spotify. I think that's a thing. Follow him on Spotify. My last or last name's Howard, by the way, if you didn't know that, we're Matt, Matt Navi Howard. So my name on Spotify is Matt Howard. Matt Howard, check it out. There's going to be a link here. But then also if you just search it on Spotify, you can search Matt Howard or search falling in love, you'll find it. It's so good. Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate that. Of course.

The first day I think was just incredible. We were over the moon. You were getting pumped with oxytocin. We were so happy, so in love. Parents came to see our baby. My brother and sister-in-law came at one point. I was funny. We had literally, was it 11 people inside our teeny tiny room, because our hospital was like full, it was at like capacity and they were literally having some people that had just given birth in the pediatric unit because there were no rooms left.

So many babies being born, we packed out our room and then the night came and that's when fatigue started to hit in. And then the first like little bits of pain for me Yeah, we're like kind of coming in and then I'm pretty sure that was when the major issue of like me not being able to pee Yeah, we're just gonna share the raw experience by the way So I think I think we want to just share the good and the bad so the great was happened the baby's year then the bad starts to happen where pain like I said, difficulty urinating because the catheter came out and things were still numb and it was hard for me to pee. I don't even think from what I experienced from you, honey, though, I think like you're

a really tough person physically. Like you could be cut open and not be able to be and have all these physically difficult things happen to you, but I think where you get really hurt is like the emotional side. And so I don't think any of that physical stuff had anything on you. And by the way, you've already experienced herniate repair surgery. You had a double herniate repair last year at this time. And you've already said that that was more painful from your experience than C-section. So I don't think what it was for you.

I don't think it always a physical thing. I think it was an emotional thing. And I think that really- 1,000% and I think what that came down to was breastfeeding. Largely, but I will tell you, it was bound to happen anyway. Because there is a massive

hormonal shift that happens yeah from Being a person with another person in your body to being a person without another person in your body It is it hit it hits me specifically like a train yeah, and It did with our first and I thought I was like man, I'm doing so great. I feel so good. And then all of a sudden, bam, emotions hit. I'm no longer pregnant. The realization is somehow shocking and earth shattering.

It feels like emotionally to me like my world is ending. Yeah. Right when I have a baby. And sorry, I feel like what I just said there almost seemed a little bit ignorant because I was relating it all to breastfeeding. But I think, yeah, you're right. You have a very big emotional shift and both women do.

And both women do. Usually breastfeeding is like the trigger for it. Well, for you, I think it was. I think for you, from your experience, that was something that really tripped off your emotional side. And I think a large part of that is because you put a lot of self-worth and breastfeeding and you feel... Not meaning to. Really, okay. It's just like, because I do, I do believe like, anyway, you feed a baby, it's fine. There's just something about like, there's just something about being a brand new mom again

and hearing your baby cry and knowing that your baby might be hungry and that you can, like you're the source of nutrition and it's not clicking and it causes panic. How did that make you feel like when Oggy was crying and needed the different change and He didn't talk about it right now and you know, he's very needy right? And so I'm getting up helping him in the night changing his diapers How did that make you feel that you couldn't physically like really get out of bed? I mean, I still feel that right now like yeah with me not being able to be as hands-on with him and especially with our oldest It is so sad like yeah and especially with our oldest, it is so sad. Like, because my instincts and my nature just wants to,

you know, do it all and make it, make everyone okay and take care of everyone. And I am sitting here needing to be taken care of a lot. It's the feeling, there's no other word I have for other than is, I feel pathetic, which I know that I have to heal and that that's part of it is taking it slow and like asking for help. And it's just such a, you feel so small because you just want to, you just want to be everything and you can't and you know that but it doesn't make it better.

And so that's something I'm still struggling with but it was especially dramatic in the hospital because his needs were so great and my needs were so great. And now we're still like every day we're kind of chippity way at it and lessening and figuring each other out and I'm feeling better and more up to things. Still nowhere near 100% oh my gosh, like we're maybe a 30. But like that is something that I'm like, it's really hard to communicate to your partner. Like because everyone's eyes are on the baby

and wanting to take care of the baby and everyone's been so nice and kind and gracious to me. But it's easy for moms to get overlooked. Yeah. Did you feel overlooked at the hospital? Kind of. Yeah. Yeah.

It was that, was it a hospital staff? Was it family? No, it's hard for you to understand. Yeah, it's easy to see the physical needs, but it's really hard to see the emotional needs. Yeah, sorry, I'm like nodding into the mic, but like the emotional needs after birth are so great and it makes me feel pathetic to like And it makes me feel pathetic to like say that, but I know that that's the experience of so many other women too. I don't know how to explain it.

It's really emotional experience and I don't know how to say like it feels like the world is ending. It feels like my life as I knew it is completely uprooted and I don't know if I like the new life. Even though I want to love this new life so much. And I love the baby. And I don't know why I'm not as happy as I thought I was gonna be. And I looked forward to meeting him so much,

but then why is it like, I'm having a hard time connecting with my spouse and with my new baby. Yeah. It just feels so uncomfortable. Would you say you were experiencing postpartum depression in the hospital? And here's the thing,

I would never use the word postpartum depression. At least quite yet, because it's such a massive shift and I felt this way with Griffin and that's why I described it as baby blues or like stress, because it didn't feel like it was gonna be, I don't think that it's this long term conditioning. It feels very conditional and temporary. But, you know, obviously if it continues

and that's when it's a point where it's like, okay, we need to seek help. I'll swear, every day feels better. So I feel like I know that we were in deep, it's like I'm deep in the hole, but every day I get a little bit out of the hole, get a little bit out of the hole. They gave you the postpartum depression questionnaire. The second we got in the courtroom.

They'll give it at the pediatrician. Oh, you're gonna have it again. Yeah, they keep giving you them. Okay. I think they just make sure that there's not like an immediate drastic need. Because you giving it to you that early was weird to me because you were being pumped full of drugs. I think that was too early. And I think Abby's never felt better.

Like she's literally doing hard drugs right now. Like how would you not feel incredible when you're on hard drugs? But it's like the drugs went away, right? Then I was not as emotional. You're spinal went away. And it's almost like, it's almost like you have, I don't want to relate it to drug addiction, but it's almost like it's almost like a sort of withdrawal or it's like you went from this crazy, crazy high.

And you just dropped to this crazy low craze like the lowest I've ever been pretty. Yeah. Well not in the hospital I think the day we came home from the hospital was like the lowest I've probably ever been yeah, which we can talk about that But also I don't want to share too much because it's still so fresh. Yeah Obviously we're very vulnerable on this podcast. I'm probably not going to read the comments for my mental health. Um, I'm okay. And if I need help, I'm going to seek help. But this is just I want people to know that if you feel this way and you're so fresh in the newborn stage, just know you're not alone. Yes. I'm with you, other women are with you.

You're going to get through it. Yeah. It trust me. You're seeing me like sad right now. I also had like the craziest highs today. Like it just comes with massive roller coaster of emotions. Yeah. I knew I was going to cry this episode, so I'm not gonna apologize, but, woohoo! So the first night happens.

The first bit of hormone, like, emotions, starts to really come out. And it's tough. I'm sleep deprived. I think the first night I slept one hour. I met you something like maybe two. Like we're both exhausted. We're both like we have a screaming baby. Like some people have really sleepy newborns. Our newborns come out ready to fight and we love them for it. And I understand that they have to do all these checkups on you at the hospital. But oh my gosh, dude. Like you just came off of these super hard drugs.

They take your vitals like every hour. You're experiencing baby blues and feeling potentially depressed. And like, I understand they have to do stuff at the hospital, but they're coming in every like hour and a half. No, not even because they come in every hour pretty much for me and every hour for the baby. Yes, and then on top of that,

like I'm getting up and changing the diapers and helping to the baby and bringing them over to you to feed, and even when I'm doing the work with the baby, you're hearing it all. Like it's not like you can just chill and just go to bed. The room was so tiny. So it's like I don't, like do you really think

it was only one hour of sleep that you got the night, the first night? I know it was only one hour. sleep that you got the night, the first night? Well, I know it was only one hour. I probably got two, maybe three. Well, because even then I was also like, I had a lot of adrenaline stuff so I couldn't even like really calm down. And I felt bad sleeping sometimes when like,

you know, they were coming in for you, but I'm like, man, I gotta get up physically. To be there for both of you, like me and the baby. And here's the thing, they used to, I guess back in the day not have newborns in the room with the parents right after the birth. I almost feel like like that might be a good thing for like mental health. Maybe some parents don't want that, but if you wanted that they probably should do that. Like I love my kids so much, but like that first night or two you're like you're exhausted

and like you need to get some sleep. To recover, it's extremely important. There was a nurse one night that luckily did take Oggi for, I think it was three hours. And so we got three hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was incredible. Like, I'm not even sure if it was three hours, but whatever it was.

It might have been two, but it was just like so good that we actually got to go through a full sleep cycle or two rather than just getting like a little cat nap and then like waking up again to do a diaper change or a feed or call a baby. I think we stayed two nights in the hospital. Yeah, so I think that was the second night of the day. That was the second night.

So yeah, extremely sleep deprived feeling like the world is ending. So basically I'm just feeling like a roller coaster of emotions. I'm a basket case and then Feedings were being difficult babies don't know And I feel like it's extremely common for us feeding challenges even though I breastfed our first for 12 months It didn't mean that this new baby knew what to do and so we're still working on teaching him and it was frustrating

It was scary and it was everything, it was scary, and it was everything that happened was extremely heightened, and it was just a hot mess in the hospital, and I think that some people have an experience in the hospital where they compare it to a resort, and I'm always so confused by that. They're like, I don't want to leave it, I'm like a vacation. Are you kidding me? A resort? I'm like, what happened at the hospital?

Which hospital are you going to? I would love to go to that one. I don't know. I really don't know. know the like yeah, and we had amazing nurses like the nurses were so so fine. Oh, is that so come for you? Yeah, there was one me nurse But all the other nurses were nice. We don't need to talk about that Why is it all works every time with the first birth and the second birth there was there was one me nurse and then all the other nurses were nice Yeah, well Also, if you get a C section just just know that they're gonna encourage you to get

up and moving and so that in the middle of the night I was up and walking three different times and they also come and push on your belly to check on you and they take your vitals and just to know that that's something that's just something to expect and they're checking on baby and it's good. We were very well taken care of. Can I be honest with you for a second? You know how I was like really quiet the first day after the birth? Yeah. I think like look I don't get like emotional like you but I think that was like my version of baby blues in a way. Yeah. Which I feel like I still don't quite understand what the term baby blues means, but I think I was-

You'll never understand, honey. I won't, and I won't understand from your perspective. But I think I was having this like realization moment of, okay, like, my life just changed big time. And for a little bit, I was like, wow, like, all my career goals have to go to the way side. And I just kind of felt, I was kind of frustrated a little bit.

I could tell. And I just kind of shut down and didn't say anything. Like I was just like quiet. Yeah, that was hard for me. Because I wasn't gonna like talk to you about it because I didn't want to like bring you down. But then by me to not say anything, I think that brought you down.

Well, you were bringing me down because you weren't talking to me. That's true. I kind of was being, I, I think quiet. Your experience is extremely valid. You're allowed to like, you have to go through a transition to yeah It was just hard because I was having such high needs at that point Yeah, weren't getting met and I think it was causing frustration between the two of us and it was hard to because like for me

Knowing that you can't other than Obviously, you need a fee. Oggi and you know, we can't do formula, but you're wanting to do breastfeeding. And so it felt like I was doing everything for Ogi and so I'm like, here I am. Like I have all these big goals and big dreams and I have to put them to the way side. And I'm stuck here and I was kind of mad. And that just lasted for like a day.

It lasted like two days. You think it lasted two days? Did it last some the second day? Maybe it just lasted for like a day. It lasted like two days. You think it lasted two days? Did it last some the second day? Maybe it did last for the second day. But then it went away. But then it went away. I know. But I also think that like it hits you in that moment

because you feel like your life is over and you feel like you can't do anything else. Because in that moment, you're... The moment it felt earth shattering. Well, because I think when you have a new kid coming into the world, that time right then is the most intense. It will ever be.

It will ever be. It's in reality. It continues to be the easier. Reality is an even reality at that point. Yes, it gets easier and easier because you figure out, they're schedule and you figure out their needs and you figure out how they operate

because Oki operates completely different than Griffin did. And so we're figuring it out and it's just, it continues to get easier and I've like, every last, ah, my life isn't over and I'm already getting little pockets of time to myself, not a lot, but more. Well, it's important. And I think that communication is super, super important.

And the first, first week or two of your babies, your newborns life, like it is. And teamwork is, yeah, and just figuring out what works for you and not comparing your journey with other people's journeys. I know we're sharing our experience. And you, it might be easy to compare to it, but like just knowing that, especially with like all the things that seem like so important, so vital, especially like feeding or sleeping, those things seem so crazy, but like six months later from now, it'll be like, oh, like why did that seem

like such a big deal at that time? Yeah. And so yeah. And can I say this too? Like I was having this thought while I was just like rocking Oggi last night. You know, career goals are fun. And they are important.

Like I think for many people, myself included, it's important to like set a goal for yourself and see you accomplish something. Yeah. But at the same time, there's nothing more important than family. And it's like if you had every big career thing, you could possibly imagine happened to you

and it worked out and you just crushed it and everything went in your way, but you didn't have your family and you didn't have your friends, that would be a very depressing life. But I think on the flip side, if you had all the family in the world, all the friends and no career and no big goals and no big dreams accomplished,

I feel like you'd still be happy because I think that at the core of life, I think that nothing brings more joy and happiness than good community and good family. That's all I feel honestly. And I'm someone that is career-driven, and I love accomplishing things, and I love, you know, I think it's fun, but I think it's sometimes easy to let that, you know, get in the way of like, dude, like community and family is the most important thing. There's nothing more important than that. Yeah, I couldn't agree more.

So you would say, I feel like there's still so much to say, but I feel like we're already at a natural transition point where it's like, we might just need to make another episode. Oh, you think so? About the life as parents again for the second time. Wow, okay, yeah, we could totally do that. What do you think? We could just have them ask us questions.

Because once we got from the hospital as a whole different ball game and we actually hit, I think, the lowest point of our entire marriage. Okay, are we gonna talk about that on here? Not in detail, but I feel like it's good for other people to know that. Okay, yeah. I see all these comments where it's like, oh my gosh, but I feel like it's good for other people to know that. Okay.

Yeah. I see all these comments where it's like, oh my gosh, you guys are like perfect in like those things. And I think that is wavy on me sometimes where I'm like, you know, we are mess. And I don't, I'm crying because I'm hormonal, but also because like, trust me, like for the sake of our marriage, we're not going to hash out details of the ugly parts of it. But I want you to know that if you're looking at us and thinking, man, I just wish I could be just Matt and Abby because they are a fairy tale. They have everything. It's like, no, you guys. It was ugly.

And we still haven't talked about it together, so it's not appropriate to talk about it on a podcast But I think that we can just like let you know that You know people why do people say newborn bliss or newborn bubble or things like that? It wasn't bliss. I love I think last night I think last night was the was bliss for me though. It was it was was really sweet. Like I think it was, I was just so happy. We're getting into our mojo. Yeah, just holding him and being like, this, this cannot be more beautiful,

just like getting to be, and it wasn't stressful when he was crying. I just, I kinda got into my rhythm and took care of him and I was glad that you were able to sleep in a separate bed and actually get sleep and not have to, cause I know that you wake up with every single sound that he makes, and I do too, but I just know that he's, I don't know.

I think you just, you're very trigger happy, I guess, with. Well, it is just a part of being a new mom again. And I say new mom, I've already been a mom for 13 months. But yeah, I think we might wanna do separate beds for a while just so that you're actually getting sleep. And I think that sleep deprived people are grumpy people and not- Well, more susceptible to mental health issues.

Yes, 1,000%. And so I'm trying to take care of that. And also I'm saying all of this to the woman that feels, postpartum woman that feels so alone right now. Yeah. Because even me, I felt really alone the past few days at times. Yeah.

And I've done this before and I have an amazing support system. So let me be a virtual support system from one mom to another that I know you feel alone right now. I know it feels hard, but I get so much better and your baby is so blessed that you're that you're their mom. That's beautiful And I love our sons Yeah, so much it could literally and breaks my heart every day how much I love them And we should talk about that like the how like having them together and like how we're out And yeah, we

Griffin loves his little brother so much I literally didn't think he'd have any reaction Give some a hug he gives him kisses Like laughs he's so happy to see it so precious and I just I cannot wait for the day that they get to play with each other I just can't wait for I mean they're gonna be the best is to buddies. Oh my gosh I can I can literally already tell I look like okay, I know that you don't think they look like. I don't think they do. I think they look identical.

Okay, they're gonna, people are gonna think they're identical twins. Give it a couple of years and people will be like, oh, are these your twins? It's like actually no, they're 13 months apart, you know? Well, get this. I know we're not probably gonna show their faces on the internet, but we have the cutest kids. They're the cutest.

In the world, I want to, I want to plaster them all over everything. Not going to, but I just, I keep texting, pictures, people like crazy. They're probably like, okay, we don't need to see this anymore. I'm like, look how, I love this. They're so freaking cute. I love them, and they're so precious to each other, and it's just, I cannot wait to see their brotherhood. Oh my gosh, I gotta stop crying.

And I also gotta end this because I really want to get back to them. Yeah. But, wow, it's been a whirlwind. And that's what this is for. That's podcast, so thank you guys so much for listening and thank you for listening to my tears. I promise I'm okay. I have an amazing support system here.

And shout out to our friends, yeah, shout out to our friends and family for being there for us. My parents have been here. Abby's parents live with us now. So we've had amazing support. Yeah. I mean, we would have had too, but it would have been even worse.

Dude, yeah, it's been so good to have family here. Yeah, and so. Very, very thankful for that. Thank you for your patience as we like adjust to this new life and there are priority right now not Social media, so thank you for your patience. Thank you for your well wishes and We'll be here when we can be here. It's right awesome Well, we'll see you next time. Yeah, we'll see you. Thank you so much for listening three two one peace out dudes time. Yeah we'll see you thank you so much for listening. 3 2 1. Peace out dudes!