The Viall Files - E801 Ask Nick - Wife Duties, Girlfriend Salary

Episode Date: September 2, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition! We start off the episode with a ranking of the least attractive hobbies for men. Then we get to our callers…  Our first caller���s ex-boyfriend won’t stop posting about her on reddit. Our second caller is icked-out by her boyfriend's hospital experience. And, our third caller just received the meanest text of her entire life.   "My mom said I’m doing wife duties on a girlfriend salary." Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Altoids - Find Altoids In The Check-Out Aisle! Grab Your Tin Today!  FirstLeaf - Go to https://TryFirstleaf.com/VIALL to sign up and you’ll get your first SIX handpicked bottles for just $44.95. Grammarly - Get more done with Grammarly. Download Grammarly for FREE at https://grammarly.com/PODCAST  Huggies - Learn More At https://www.Huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Helix is offering up to 25% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners! Go to https://www.HelixSleep.com/Viall  Vessi - Discover more waterproof styles at https://vessi.com/viall. Get your pair today to get an automatic 15% off your first purchase at checkout. Episode Socials:  @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell @kymccarthy23 @allisonklemes

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of the Vile Files Ask Nick edition. Happy episode 801. Yep. We appreciate you all. If you're listening to this show, for all you kind of ask Nick loyalists out there, I hope you're listening to all our episodes, but we did celebrate our 800th episode last Thursday

on Reality Recap. Fun episode, hope you check it out, listen to it. Ask Nick is the OG segment, right? No. Or it's older, it's been around. Oh, Ask Nick has been around since the beginning. Right. No, the episode one was, always had the Ask Nick element.

Okay. That was like, when I was kind of texting office hours and our going deepers, it was kind of like that. Okay. A little like, when I was kind of texting office hours and are going deeper, it was kind of like that. A little bit less interview. It was just more like conversational than we did like a couple of calls. It's part of the origins. It's part of the origins, yeah.

And then Ask Nick kind of spun off as his own episode on Mondays. Like we started the show in January and then Ask Nick. Its first weekend was the Monday after Ashley and Jared's wedding, for those who remember. Give a fuck about that. But yeah, we've been here ever since. So anyways, thanks for sticking with us.

We got a great week lined up for you tomorrow. Tomorrow we are talking all about the Scott Peterson and Lacey Peterson documentary, plus a little Love is Blind UK. And Housewives. And Housewives, lots to tap into. Yeah, that will be all tomorrow. Did he do it?

I think he did. Anyways, we break down all the documentaries about the Scott Lacey Peterson doc. The one, if you haven't watched, that trial resonated with you. Check out the one on Peacock. There's also one on Netflix. Netflix came out first,

Peacock came out a couple days after. Yeah, a couple days after. You should watch both if you can, because neither of them are exactly the same, obviously. There was one bit of information that Netflix, one I thought was important, that was not brought up in the Peacock one,

but the Peacock one at least invites the possibility of not necessarily his innocence, but the case having holes. Anyways, it's a fascinating case, but we'll talk a little bit more tomorrow. Plus, again, some levels like UK. On Thursday, we'll get into the Bachelorette finale. That is tomorrow night,

and then we'll be discussing it on Thursday. What are we getting into before we get to our callers? Well, so before we get to our callers, there's this article circulating online, which basically ranked the least attractive hobbies that man can have according to woman So to rank it for you starting from least unattractive Bird watching this little least unattractive least unattractive hobby hobby out of this list

So I'll give you the list and then we can see what you think. So starting from least unattractive going to the most unattractive bird watching comic book collecting taxidermy, building model trains, gambling, online trolling, magic tricks, collecting figurines, and then at number one for most unattractive was video games. So number one is most unattractive? Yes. Oh, okay.

I was going in the wrong one. I thought bird watching was the most unattractive. And then when you got to online bowling, I'm like, who thinks bird watching is less attractive than online bowling, but anyways. Online trolling. Online trolling, whatever. Yeah, so I mean, bird watching, according to this list,

is the least unattractive. Yeah, so least least attractive, essentially is what it is. Video games, not surprising, that's number one. Although I would think video games and conventional standards is more attractive than bird watching, wouldn't you? Because when you say video games,

video games is all about, we've heard every person in the world, mostly women who are dating men who are into video games, but it can cut both ways. I'm willing to bet that it's less about the video game playing that they do that they find to be kind of you, you know? And it's more about the fact that they know that video games is in a very addicting hobby, takes up a lot of their free time and cuts into a lot of the quality time that they desire from their

partner. As opposed to someone who like is birdwatching, it's just like that could just be like, um, I find that to be like an unattractive hobby where like, ew, like my guy birdwatches, but like, what if he only birdwatches 10 minutes? Uh, you know- When I go to the lake, I bird watch. I don't, but like what if my hobby was to have a little interest in, I like birds. And then your girlfriend buys you a bird book and then it turns into a hobby. Well, when then you say online trolling,

I mean, I'm assuming someone's not online. It's not about them trolling online so much that it's cutting into their personal time. It's just more like, wait, if you were to find out your partner, it's like, yeah, every once in a while, just like troll people online and then kind of fuck with them and I don't know, bully them.

Remember, you know, I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, it's random. Yeah, it's like it's a character flaw. I also think according to this list, like most people have endured or experienced like video games as an egg versus birdwatching. Like birdwatching is more niche. So like less people have interacted with it.

I mean, again, I wonder what golf, like I wonder where golf is up on there. Yeah. Cause golf, if someone said, Oh, golf is a sport. You might be attracted to athletes and thought, Oh my man, golf, he's a good golfer. It looks like a turn on. Yeah, it could be a turn on. But then obviously you meet a guy who's so obsessed with golf

that he never gives you the quality. I mean, I guarantee there's a lot of women out there who fucking hate that their man golfs. And it's not because they hate golf and they don't have a problem with golf, they have a problem with how much their man is obsessed with golf over them. You know, and it's like, the biggest,

it sounds like the biggest turn off for any hobby is when it stops being a hobby and starts being an obsession that Overtakes the quality time that their partners a priority. Yeah. Yeah, so what would if you hadn't seen this list? What would you guess was the least attractive hobby for a video game? Okay. Yeah And like you probably wouldn't have thought of like comic book collecting taxidermy. Well see like taxidermy comic book collecting, taxidermy. Well, see like taxidermy, comic book collecting,

bird watching. Building model trains. Building model trains, craft brewer, you know, I could see women in general just finding those to be a kind of like nerdy or icky or just like, just generally they don't scream like, I want my man, like my man does Metal Trains. Like that's hot.

You know? I'm sure for some. Maybe some, right? But like, it's not giving like something you want to brag about your girls about. Conventionally. Would Metal Trains be more of an ick if someone was just as in the Metal Trains

as someone would be in the video games. Okay. So the Model Trains was the video game, essentially. Their intensity of model trains was equal to someone's intensity of video gameplay. That's a question for the audience. I feel like the model train... Because I think video games is all about the commitment that is video games. Yeah.

And the time suck that is video games. Well, because it's interesting. So number two, right after video games or right before video games was collecting figurines. But to me, that's similar to comic book collecting. Yeah, that's more of an ick. Okay. First of all, the word figurine. That's true.

As a grown adult, maybe that's- I collect figurines. Excuse me? Well, a lot of people granted collect figurines in quotation marks, but it's just collecting. It's not figurines. We should bring this up in reality recap for sure. Yeah, we can. Natalie, I am curious.

A lot of these scream like adolescent, even video games. And then the question is, you know, are these hobbies or are these signs that I'm dating someone who's giving boy and not man? Someone who maybe hasn't grown up. Like it could be cute and enduring to like, I have this model train and every once in a while I spend a little time on it and it's like kind of,

it's yeah, it's a little nerdy and whatever, but like I'm into it, but like it doesn't take a lot of my free time. If I played video games once a week, I don't think now they have a problem with it. If all of a sudden I went and been like, hey listen, I'm gonna go buy a PlayStation 5 and I'm gonna really get into it. Like it could't have a problem with it. If all of a sudden I went and been like, hey, listen, I'm gonna go buy a PlayStation 5 and I'm gonna really get into it.

Like it could quickly become a problem. Okay. Further question. How many hours do you think a hobby should be within a week? Great question. Like in your head, what is that considered? So normally a job is like 40 hours on average. Well, if you're a single guy,

I mean, your hobby might take up a lot of your free time. That's the challenge of being into a committed relationship is recognizing that if you want to be in a committed relationship, you have to give up some things you used to do in your free time. You're not going to find someone who likes, you know, sort of, you know, another avid birdwatcher or video game player. In a committed relationship? I think this is high, but an hour a day tops. Okay. I think that's valid. So that's seven hours a week. And I think in a serious relationship, like if you have kids and shit, once a

week, an hour a week. An hour a week. Okay. Yeah. I don't think you're entitled to more. Do you have kids? If you've got kids, you've got shit to do, man. Well, the kid becomes the hobby or Or the kid's hobbies become your priority. Yeah. Yeah. So I looked it up.

According to a 2022 survey, the average American spends about five hours per week on hobbies. Okay, that seems reasonable. Yeah, so you were around there. But I'd be willing to bet for all the ladies out there that voted video games number one, it's because their man is playing a lot more

than five hours a week playing video games. Every night. And if they could have a lot more than five hours a week playing video games every night And if and if they could have a man who played five hours a week playing video games It would immediately drop in terms of their issues with it. That's not even an hour a day. Yeah. Yeah, I feel confident Let us know in the comments. All right, we got some great calls lined up for you But before we do don't forget to sending your questions at ask Nick at the vile files comm thing And that's ask Nick at the vile files comm you know howilefiles.com. And again, that's asknickatthevilefiles.com. You know how to spell it, you know how to say it? That's where you send them.

Oh, also, before we get to our call, just remember that, listen, if you haven't noticed, it's been a slight of a format switch with our show. We're doing a reality recap twice a week because there's so much to talk about. So much TV we're watching, and we love bringing on more and more guests for you. And then we still have our going deepers

and like we said, we're doing our going deepers like two or three times a month because we wanna make sure that our going deepers are worth your while. Some of our guests we've just transitioned into Reality Recap, you guys have all figured this out. A consequence of that is that we haven't been able to deliver our one a month update special that we did outside of Vilephiles Plus

and just made more sense to put it all behind Vilephiles Plus and we know you sense to put it all behind Vile Files Plus. And we know you understand and I appreciate that you understand that. So they all are available to you. All those updates. We have so many updates. Check them out. In addition to our update specials, we drop them every other week.

We have our pop extra every week. We got our vendor pop recaps every week. Lots of great content for you all, so be sure to check it out. All right, let's get to our callers. Was you're done with it? Let's ask Nick your sexy questions. How's it going? Hi, my name is Sarah.

I'm 24, and I can't stop reading the horrible comments my ex puts about me on Reddit. OK, well, first of all, that sucks. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Elaborate a little bit here. Why is your ex going on Reddit? Or maybe even a better question is, how do you know about this? Okay, so I broke up with him in April, and we started dating two years prior. So we were in a relationship for two years, and it started out really great and smooth. He was like a lot of the things I was looking for at the time when I was 22. And so

our relationship was going really great. We would do little relationship check-ins. He wanted to, you know, make our relationship strong. We talked about getting married and we were really excited. So a year into us dating, we moved in together. And I guess to go a little back about four months into us dating, he was like, do you use Reddit? And I'm like, no, not really. You know, I don't know too much about it. And he was kind of showing me, you know, it's just a place where you can get advice and information on things and he uses it all the time. And so I was like, okay, well like add me or whatever. So I had his Reddit, but I just like never like looked at it. And so then a year into us moving in together, he just like a switch

flipped. I wasn't working at the time I was since we've kind of moved to a new city, I was like getting into a new job. And so he like, to be honest, like our sex life was just completely like 180. And I was like, you know, what's wrong with me? Like, why aren't you like as into me as much? And he was like, oh, it's my hormones or it's this or that. And he's five and a half years older than me. So I was 23. Yeah.

He was like 28. He was about to turn 29. And I'm not a doctor, but I don't know how often young men deal with hormones that affect their sex drive. Maybe. I don't know. Not a doctor. When he was like 22, he took a lot of steroids. So there was that. And so I was like, oh, okay. Maybe that's something to do with it. But I mean, I don't know. So you started noticing a one-year shift in his, what felt like his attraction to you or his sex drive overall. Yes. And then a couple months after we moved in together was the one year that my mom passed away. Okay. I'm sorry. So I had a lot of, I mean, I still do for the rest of my

life, I'll have grief and things to go through. But I, you know, I was obviously really upset. And when I'd come to him, I like needed a partner, like a shoulder to cry on sort of thing. And I think that was like too much for him or something. I mean, I tried so much in our relationship, like let's get couples counseling or this or that. And it would kind of like even out and then it would go back to being terrible. But I just decided to one day look at his Reddit comments. I don't know, it just came to me. And then I saw a couple comments about how he like lost interest in sex.

And so I brought it up to him and it just, I don't know. Did he talk about you or did he just say he lost interest in sex, period? He was saying that he was only interested in like once a week and that like my sex drive is way more than his. And I think just that, but I don't exactly remember what they said. It was a while ago, but it just really wore on me.

I'm like, what's wrong with me? And so then um, then January of this year, I decided to write him like a really big letter that, um, cause I was thinking, I'm like, I just, I want to break up with him. I can't do this anymore. It's not worth it. We're not even married. So I wrote him this letter and I can kind of summarize that if you want. I just like expressed like dissatisfaction in the relationship. And I just felt emotionally neglected. And you know, the reason I was attracted to him in the first place, like emotional

intelligence and shared values, and I just don't feel like he has that anymore. And I had to tiptoe around, you know, his feelings and like, I just feel very lonely in the relationship. And I went into saying, you know, I think you have a more avoidant attachment style and you probably have passed, you know, trauma that's unresolved that's coming into our relationship and he's dismissive towards my job and such. And like, I can't do this anymore. And he came home and was like, oh my gosh, you know, I'm so sorry you feel this way.

And kind of just said enough to like soothe me, but then we never brought it up again. And that was that. And then his, his response was understanding almost in a way. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. But it wasn't anything like, Oh my gosh, like we need to, you know, get in couples counseling and fix this. Like, you know, it was just kind of like, Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way. And I don't mean to make you feel like that and whoopsies. So I ended up just- Do you know if he read the whole thing? I'm pretty sure I printed it out

and I just left it in a space where he would be able to see it. And then as soon as I came home, he was like, give me a hug. And like, we talked about it. And then- I only asked because like, it sounded like you were venting,

obviously, about how you felt about their relationship. But it also, someone reading that, it could feel like an attack. So I'm almost shocked to hear that he read the whole thing and was almost, I'm sorry you feel that way. Because it sounds like he made some pretty specific claims or accusations about him as a person. Yeah.

So either he didn't read the whole thing and just kind of skimmed it and his general takeaway was she's unhappy with me. But you know, anyways, so he gave you a hug. He didn't really apologize. He said, I'm sorry you feel that way. Didn't really do anything about it. And so you broke up with them a couple of months later. Yeah, I was trying to fix our relationship, but I was just checked out.

And so I just kind of worked up the courage with my therapist to like, actually break up with him. And so that happened in, in April, we like, he kind of got into a fight with me and, um, he was like, you know, like if I'm so horrible, like, why are you here or something like that? And I told him, I'm like, I don't think you're horrible. I just don't think we're compatible. And I want to break up. And he was like, Whoa, like you just want to break up. And I just like went in on like everything I was feeling. And he never says I'm sorry, like his, his mom kind of taught him that saying I'm sorry means like you failed and that you lost. And so

he said, I'm sorry, like at least eight times. And I even told him, I'm like, you saying sorry is like music to my ears right now. And so then that was on like a Tuesday. And then that Saturday he came home from work and I was like, Hey, I'm done. You know, I'm, I'm, I'm out tomorrow. So he's like, apologies, bought him a few days almost cause you were caught off guard or something by his apology. Oh, the letter I gave him was like end of January. And then I broke up with him in April. No, no, no, I know. But like you're saying when you,

you broke up with him on a Tuesday and then he apologized a million times, right? Am I hearing that right? Yeah. And then I was just like, okay, well now what am I going to do with this? Like, I just wanted time to sit and think. And so then on Saturday, I like, I actually ended it. But on Tuesday, it was like, I'm still feeling this way. And then how did he handle that? Very mature. He's got a pretty big ego. So I knew that he wasn't going to like beg and plead, but he was like, well, can we, you know, as couples counseling, you know, available.

And I'm like, no, it's been available for like 14 months. So at this point I'm, I'm completely checked out. So you offered couples therapy in the relationship and he never took advantage. He would joke about it and be like, oh yeah, like let's do couples counseling. Like I'm cool with that. And then he always made little jokes about absolutely everything. Like everything was a joke to him. And so, you know, I'm like, for me to find us a therapist and, you know, set up a

time where we can both sit down in a zoom and, you know, pull you off from whatever you're doing and then have you make a joke, like I'm putting in all the effort and it's just not being reciprocated. And I just don't want to do that. And I told him that on the Tuesday when we were talking. And so, I don't know, I was just like, I'm not going to do it. And then I packed up all of my stuff on that Sunday and had a moving truck and was completely out in one day. Okay. Let's get to the Reddit of it all. Yeah. So like a month and a half after we broke up, he had this really long, gnarly

Reddit post and the prompt was something about cheating. And he explained that he never cheated on his ex, but he had some insight. And although he never cheated, he was tempted because he lost respect for me. He initially didn't realize the loss of respect and thought of me as kind and wonderful. However, after moving in together, he felt burdened by the loss of respect and thought of me as kind and wonderful. However, after moving in together, he felt burdened by the grief of my mom's death and my struggles with anxiety, finances, and dependency. He described how he had to take on a lot of responsibilities, paying for most things, and how my emotional state wore him down over time.

He admitted that he stopped caring about sex and other activities with me, just like even just going out on dates. Because in his view, I didn't add any value to his life and instead took from him. And he mentioned that even though I was beautiful, the idea of porn and cheating became appealing than being intimate with me. And despite this, he didn't cheat. Like he just made it very clear that he didn't cheat in claiming that it was due to his integrity. But he wondered if the opportunity was in front of him, if he would have. And ultimately those feelings led to our breakup.

Gotcha. All right, let's get a couple of the obvious questions out of the way. Does he name you on Reddit? No. Does he have an anonymous kind of username on Reddit? No, it is his legal name. Okay, well there is that.

And you know about obviously his Reddit usage because you dated him, but like how public is this? I don't know who of his friends he shares it with, but I mean, one person commented on this post and was like, can you elaborate? I don't understand how you don't have respect for you know, someone who's awesome. Listen, I think, I don't know if this is the answer you're looking for, but as someone who has a public profile, I'm very used to obviously people talking about me

online and unfortunately when Natalie decided to be in a relationship with me, she unfortunately signed up for that as well. It sucks. It's not easy. It can be challenging at times. But the reality is in 2024, you don't have to be a public figure to experience something like this as you now know firsthand, right? Anyone can go on Reddit. Everyone has a social media, right? And it's all kind of relative. Like I might have a couple million followers between various platforms and things like that and you know maybe you only have a couple hundred but it really makes no difference at the end of the day as far as you are concerned. You know like it all feels very heavy when you feel like people are talking about you online and

that can be a strain on your mental health and that that really sucks. But you have to stop reading this for one, right? Yeah. And I feel like you already know that. But to try to offer you some perspective a little bit, online in general, like bear with me here. I'm sure you've seen the movie The Matrix. You're familiar with the movie The Matrix, right? It's about virtual reality and people kind of tap into the virtual reality world. You know, there's various movies like that, right? Matrix being the one, you know, they go into the matrix, right? People talk about, are we living in a matrix type of thing.

And I'm kind of a firm believer nowadays that we have a matrix, right? And it is our phones, right? Our phones, whether it's Reddit, whether it's Facebook, whether it's Twitter, X, call it what, TikTok, Instagram, we have become so reliable about our phones and we have become so online as individuals and as a society. When you go online, it's like a whole other universe. It's like that is the matrix, right? And then when you put your phone down and you go out and you

socialize with friends and you interact with people and you look up, like it's almost as if it was a whole different reality. There's been some pretty crazy world events in the past summer that's happened, right? And crazy world events that I've thought to myself, man, this is crazy. And I was almost shocked by how many people, when I would put my phone down and try to interact with friends or ask them what they thought about these crazy world events, there was kind of like either they didn't know about it or didn't have an interest in talking about it. That was just quote more happening online.

It's kind of fascinating that way. And I say that to you because I know it feels when you read something like this, here you are reading it, right? You are reading your ex-boyfriend talk about you and share what feels like some really personal information and speaking on your character and your quote

unquote co-dependency on a public platform and that feels probably really icky and gross and violating in a lot of ways. But no one cares. Kind of have to tell yourself. Put it this way, go to any beach and that beach that you walk on, that's the internet, right? Of all the sand. The sand is the internet and you go down in the sand and pick up one singular grain of sand. And that is probably less than the amount of people paying attention to what your ex-boyfriend is saying about you compared to all the other things and conversations that are going on online. My point is it just really gets lost in the shuffle. It doesn't feel like that to you, obviously, because you're shining a spotlight on it

and you're fully aware of what he is talking about. And everyone else doesn't really even know who they're talking about. Your ex-boyfriend, unfortunately, is using this as a journal. He's kind of addicted to Reddit. I was saying I feel like I have a front row seat to his diary and I'm just like in the back,

like, you know, looking at stuff. And so like I'll be front row seat to his diary and I'm just like in the back like, you know looking at stuff And so like I'll be good and not look at it for a couple months and then like I cave and I'm like, oh gosh Well, you know, yeah, I see the horrible stuff Well, the good news is is that even people reading it are kind of like what are you even talking about dude? You know what you need to be very careful of. It's like when you know someone's talking bad about you online, and especially if you disagree with them, then immediately you wanna see, are people agreeing with them,

or are they disagreeing with them? You're looking for that validation, right? And as soon as you see someone disagree with him and call you a wonderful person, that keeps you locked in. You wanna find another person who also disagrees with him and agrees with you, right? And that becomes very, very addicting. You have no idea who these people are.

You don't know how qualified they are to have an opinion. You don't know what age they are. You don't know what personal crisis they're going through. You know, you don't know even if they're men or women. I've been in this kind of game for more than a decade, right? And I've been removed for it long enough to have people almost reach back out. One day I went on my Twitter, right?

And it was this random person tweeted at me and it was like, hey Nick, can you unblock me on Instagram? I'm really sorry for calling you a ugly troll or whatever it was they called me. But they said, but in my defense, I was 12 years old. And this was like six years later, right, after the fact. So that person maybe was, I don't know, like 18 or something like that.

And maybe had the, went back and looked at their old stuff and thought, oh my God, 12 year old me was kind of a dick. Right, but now we live in a time where 10, 11, 12 year olds are getting these phones, these weapons of information without parental controls and they're online interacting with other adults as adults. You don't even have any idea. You just really have no idea who they are. And I'm not here to sit there and say you need to figure out who these people are talking about as you. You just have to have the discipline and the self-awareness

to say this is really none of my business. Now that we're in an online world, it's hard to ignore, but the reality is you knew that when you broke up, I don't know what your boyfriend's friend situation is or was, but he has some friends, and you have to assume that when you break up with someone, they're gonna go to their friends and they're gonna vent, and they're gonna say things, and they're gonna say things about you

that probably feel unfair or wrong, and maybe they're just a, and they're gonna say things, and they're gonna say things about you that probably feel unfair or wrong, and maybe they're just a projection of his own anger and pain and hurt people, hurt people, et cetera, et cetera. But usually we don't have the benefit of knowing what those conversations are and we can just go on with our lives, right? Unfortunately for you, you know that he's on Reddit, you know that he's active on Reddit,

you know that he uses this as a source of not only information, but to speak his truth and to get things out. He's probably made friends online. Some of his quote unquote friends, he's like, I'm friends with user 18 underscore asterisk 23. And that's his friend. People are making friends quote unquote in the matrix.

It truly is. Online is this whole different universe. Conversations that are going on, people spewing hate, people getting in fights with people, arguing about politics and all this crazy shit. Not knowing who these people are, but they could go offline, put their phones down, get outside the Matrix, interact with these people they claim to hate online and have no idea and be actual human fucking beings, right?

Yeah. And so you have to learn how to disconnect from that, right? And you have to self-police and you have to tell yourself, this is really none of my business that he's talking about this. This really isn't gonna affect me. Short of you going to your friends and saying, Hey, he is online and showing him what he is saying and giving your, your community and your inner circle,

his username, so they can monitor what he's saying. They would mostly have no idea who's really going on Reddit and trying to figure out who this person is, that person being you, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, on Reddit and trying to figure out who this person is, that person being you. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It just sucks because it's like, this is his narrative and his version of what's going on. And I've heard him talk about me to someone in our circle of friends who's more closer to me. And she was like, Oh my God, after everything you said, I just kind of smiled and nod. And I thought to myself, this is the most selfish man

I've ever heard of. And so, I don't know, it's like, I don't know if it's just my ego that's just so bruised, but I mean, this was someone that I literally moved in with and thought I could marry, and then now, they're just saying how I added no value to their life. I'm like, it It just stings differently. It does, but it is your ego.

As humans, our egos want to be able to break up with someone and know that they have a hard time getting over us. Even if we are in relationships and we think, this is not serving me, this person, I woke up one day and realized, what am I doing? These are just nicks and like, oh my God, like I can't believe I did this.

And even if you say, hey listen, I wanna end this relationship and I really hope you find someone, I really want you to move on, I really don't want you to be sad, I don't wanna feel guilty over breaking your heart, your ego doesn't agree with you. Your ego wants to know they're having

a hard time getting over it. Your ego wants to know they are thinking about you constantly. Your ego wants to know they regret what they did or didn't do in the relationship that caused you and forced you to have to end the relationship. Your ego wants to know that they live with regret for fucking up what you thought

was potentially a really good thing. Your ego wants them to regret the promises they made but broke in the relationship, you know? But at the end of the day, who gives a fuck? What matters is that you woke up and realized at a fairly young age, despite the promises you made to each other and despite moving in with him and despite the commitments you guys made,

you realized that this relationship wasn't serving you. And a lot of people in your shoes would stay in this relationship probably a lot longer. I know I probably would've. I was someone who always stayed in relationships much longer than I probably should've, but I wanted to see it through. And you could accuse me of staying in relationships

longer than I should have, that might be fair, but I definitely don't have regrets. I don't think you needed to stay in this relationship any longer. I mean, he's helping you not have any regrets, that's for sure. Any doubts of was I hasty in leaving this relationship, all he has done is prove that you weren't, right?

So you got that going for you. The flip side is he has chosen not to act in a way that validates you and your ego in this mourning process. He has tried to make you look like the bad guy. He is playing the victim, and in his mind, he is the victim, you know what I'm saying? Like a self-centered person isn't gonna take responsibility for the role they play in a relationship. To be honest, like the only time I think he seemed like

he actually read your email is because he talked about your co-dependency. It's like he's using the language you used about him. It's like, no, it's not me, it's you, type of thing. But at the end of the day, you can't control him. I don't recommend you reaching out to him and saying, please stop talking about me on Reddit. That's just going to validate him. Exactly.

I don't even think that he knows. I mean, it's like, I unfollowed him on all social media. Like he didn't unfollow me. And I just decided like, I don't want this person having front row access to my life. And I really don't care to see what you post and you with yours. So how do we get you to have the self-discipline to, I mean,

do you get any value out of Reddit? Like are you learning like different soups to make or anything like that? Yeah, I use it here and there and I've deleted the app, but the problem is I can just read down. No, I know. But I mean, if you're like, listen, I hate to say it, but I get a lot of value out of Reddit and I can articulate the positives it brings into my life and all the things I learned.

And just the only one thing about Reddit that's bad is I know that my ex is out there talking about me. But I'm guessing that's not the case. I'm guessing you might get some little bit of value off of Reddit here or there. And if it's a tutorial of some kind, there's other platforms, you know, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, they're all teaching you meals. They're all teaching you how to tie a bow tie.

Whatever it is you want to learn, there are other platforms other than Reddit. There's also just the real world. I could choose to validate my ego and search for compliments at the risk of finding criticisms and I could go down rabbit holes. As soon as I find a criticism, I could tell myself I need to find someone who agrees with me so to even it out. And that's what our subconscious brain does. Like, you're not actually saying this, but that's like, that's what you're doing.

It's like you hear this negative, you want to look for the positive. And it's just, it's a rabbit hole. And it's like a couple of days ago, I like caved and read another message and he just expressed how like he's newly single and it's frustrating and lonely. And it's like my ego is like, yeah, your ego is like, well, what do you could have? You could have had me. All you had to do is X, Y or Z. All you had to do is appreciate me. All you had to do is read my fucking letter and do something about it. Yeah. But you don't want to be with this guy. And that's where your ego is fucking up your decision. Your ego doesn't care about your happiness or your well-being, it doesn't care about your mental health,

it doesn't care about your ability to be happy long-term in a healthy relationship. Your ego just cares about you being validated and special. And there are times where ego plays a positive role in your life. Again, I shit on the ego a lot, but your ego is the thing that makes you capable of believing in yourself and other people won't,

type of thing. Your ego is what makes people say, I think I can do that when the world's doubting you. Your ego's the one that says, why not me? I could do this, and make big bets on yourself where a million other people never try because they're too afraid to fail, right? That's where your ego can play a very positive role in someone's life, but it does not care about your happiness. And so you doing that, again, keeps you stuck in this relationship you

already know you want to be out of. Everything you're reading about what he is writing is just validation that he is not your guy and yet it's not having that desired effect because it's triggering your ego and Everything he's saying doesn't make your ego feel special or needed or appreciated or any of those things that you want to feel Yeah, it's like my ego feels like shit So I just don't understand why I keep like oh, how can we hurt ourselves today? Well, because that's not you what you're thinking you're thinking well There's validation somewhere beneath this, right? Because again, you have read comments

about people disagreeing with him. So you go in there thinking, well, this man's crazy, but at least he's a bunch of people who I don't know, some of which might be 13-year-olds. Let's see if they agree with me or not. Yeah. You know, but you know, why wasn't the friend, the friend who he came to, who heard him spew his,

whatever he wanted to spew and they just like politely listened, let him get it out, knowing full well that there was nothing for them to believe. Yeah, and like one of his best, best friends, and I'm very close with that guy's wife, like he told him like, dude, you fucked up, like this relationship ended because of you, like you could have done something about the letter and you didn't and blah blah blah and now they don't talk anymore.

Okay, but why isn't that enough for you? You have to look in the mirror and say, that should be enough for my ego. The people who I actually know and even not the people I'm closest with, it's like his friends actually have my back and you're not even entitled to that. Like honestly, when it comes to breakups,

you know, we meet their friends, we meet their family, et cetera, et cetera. You know, like for example, I've had a couple exes who became really close with my mom. My mom is just a very easy person to get along with. She's very empathetic, she's very understanding, she's always enjoyed having a relationship with the people I've been in relationships with.

And there's been a couple times that after we broke up, they reached out to my mom and like talked some shit about me. And my mom was always like, what are you doing? But they kind of felt like they could because they had this relationship with my mom and they just, they wanted to vent and they wanted to be right and yada yada.

It was always, it was just nothing. It was, but like we feel, some of us feel entitled to the friends that, you know, the people we get to meet in these relationships. Well, it's just like, hey, it is my son still. I'm sorry you guys couldn't work it out and she didn't get into it with him. And certainly my mom heard my frustrations

and my struggles in the relationships and things like that. But you had the benefit of actually having some of his friends agreeing with you. And that in itself should be enough. For sure. And his friends too aren't like the ones that take sides where, you know, it's like, oh, I'm gonna take, you know, his or hers.

Like they're the type of people that weed through the bullshit. And they're like, you know, what's right, what's wrong from the perspective that I have of not even being in the relationship. And so. So what do you need to do, right? You need to give yourself a little bit of grace.

Yeah. You gotta stop acting as if you were or are incapable of making mistakes or bad decisions. You need to stop beating yourself up emotionally about the decisions you might regret. You were only what, 21, 22 when you met this guy? 22, yeah. Right?

Your mom was terminally ill. Is that accurate when you met this guy? Yes. You were already in an incredibly vulnerable position. So I think you need to ease up on yourself, offer yourself a little grace. Because you're kind of going back and judging yourself. Like, why did I even bother with this guy?

I can't believe I did this guy, yada, yada. You are trying to explain to yourself your actions of the past two years. Who gives a fuck? You can try to learn from it a little bit, but even then, how much you really, like listen, you were going through it. You were first of all, you were young, you know, I was also going through it. I just needed somebody.

And this person offered something and he presented as a pretty nice guy and a considerate guy and yada yada. And you're not the first person and this won't be the last time you meet someone, feel like you get to know them and they turn out to be someone they're not. Even the next person you fall in love with, even if that happens to be the man you marry, you will learn things about them that will surprise you and disappoint you. You'll just have to decide whether you can work through that or not.

Maybe hopefully they're willing to go to couples therapy or whatever it is. But as someone who is still young, and you are young, this won't be the last time people disappoint you. You can learn from a little bit. But I also think you should also pat yourself on the back. I don't have a lot of notes for you in terms of how you handled your breakup from what you're telling me.

You felt like things were off. You tried to communicate them. You gave them a little bit of time to respond to you communicating. There were several attempts of you trying to get into couples therapy. He didn't respond. You didn't make hasty decisions, but eventually you got to a point where he's not doing the things I need and I'm gonna make a difficult decision

to end this relationship. Despite him, you know, a lot of people in your shoes, even though when you finally got to a point where like, I'm done and he then offered the very thing that you've been begging him to do for so long, which is couples therapy a lot Of people in your shoes I probably would have been one of them would have been like, you know, I'll give him one more shot

But you didn't you trusted your gut you trusted your instincts you ended this relationship. And what did he do? He verified everything you've been thinking and feeling by going online and saying the shit He's been saying and in reality it should allow you to have that closure. You know, whatever, if you were feeling any uncertainty about your decision to follow through with this breakup, his actions online should be the closure that you need. And you're just not choosing to see it that way. You are allowing your ego to take over and you are not giving yourself the grace that your heart needs. I'm hurting right now, this has been a very difficult decision, this has been a whirlwind couple of years,

but thank God I finally chose me and made the difficult decision to move on. And yeah, I can be sad about the relationship ending and I can be disappointed that he didn't do the things he said he was going to do, but at least I no longer have to deal with him. And now, the only emotional energy I have to give this guy is the emotional energy I choose to give him.

I am not required to give him anything anymore. And that should make you kind of wake up a little bit about the choices you're making, which is again, you are choosing to give him your emotional energy by reading this shit. Because I know, I know it's just like whether his username is out there and you know, whatever, and it's a little bit more public

I truck no one this isn't gonna show up at your front door You know what I'm saying? Like it's all online. No one knows who you are No one knows who he is for the most part and honestly the stuff he is saying the people don't even fully believe him He just sounds like a guy who's just like, you know Yeah, I this is like really funny say, but I've just been trying to understand like the craziness and you know, it's making me crazy because I'll never understand it. And I decided to use my handy dandy chat GPT and I like just asked AI to like

analyze some of these messages to just like rack my brain. And I kind of got like a lot more closure from that. But at the end of the day, it's like, I'm still giving this my emotional space and I just have to like, stop. Stop. Yeah.

I'm glad chat TV helped, but you got to like, that is kind of crazy that you did that. I know I got the idea from someone, but yeah. And it's fine, I'm certain that you will look back on this whole situation and chuckle. You will laugh with your friends in a couple years. Remember that one time I literally asked chat GPT, you will laugh, you will laugh with your friends

and you will laugh about this. You will laugh that you called into the show, being like, I even called in this fucking podcast and I asked this guy's advice about like, something I should have already had the answers to I know it's funny I wrote in like a year ago trying to like you know get advice on my relationship if I should break up or not and then our schedules could just never align but here we are this could have been an update there you go well listen it seems like you hear what I'm saying

and now it just comes down to your execution. You have to self-police. You actually have to set some boundaries for yourself. Those boundaries being, I'm gonna delete Reddit. I'm not gonna go on. There are other platforms I can use where I know he's not talking about me or at least to the best of my knowledge

that if I need to learn how to like make bow tie pasta, then I can go on YouTube and do that. If there are other chat rooms I wanna be a part of, or communities I wanna find, there are other platforms I can do that. I don't need to do that on Reddit. Nothing makes me more upset when I either give in to my ego and my weakness

and go and look in places I shouldn't look, or when other people, hey, did you hear this thing that people are saying about you? You know, and they kind of break my own boundary and seal, so to speak. And I go down those rabbit holes. I'm made aware of conversations that are going on about me. And then I will invest a lot of my emotional energy for an entire day or maybe even a couple days. And then it just goes away. Nothing happens. I'm still aware of what was said,

but time passes, I move on, I kinda forget about it, and I realize that had I not given in, or that person not kinda broke that seal, that I never even woulda known about it, and nothing woulda happened. And instead of wasting all this emotional energy, who knows what I could've accomplished or done. Even if it was just sit and enjoy a sunset,

or enjoy my friends a little bit more or maybe have more positive thoughts about your mom. Go down memory lane about good times you had with your mother. Lot more productive than worrying about like this fucking guy, right? Yeah, you could eventually tell yourself what you're doing, stop, stop, stop, stop thinking about it. But it takes energy to stop thinking about something.

It's a lot easier just not to look. Yeah, because it's almost like when you know that you keep answering the text or like going back to the guy that like keeps making you feel terrible. It's like I keep going back and just, you know, looking at these things and it's like, I need to set the boundaries with myself and just like ultimately stop.

And like at the end of the day, it's just, you have to just stop giving a shit. And the only person who can do that is myself. Yeah. And you got to have to remember that the brain does prefer pain to boredom and pain is a form of stimulation and you are stimulating your brain and you're keeping your brain occupied by looking. It is something to do.

And unfortunately, sometimes we forget that even though when we feel pain, what we also are is feeling feeling. And sometimes just feeling anything is something to do. And sometimes we can get addicted to feeling pain. Because again, it is stimulating. It keeps us riled up. It keeps us activated. And it's better than sometimes in feeling numb or nothing at all. Because I'm like, why do I keep looking at this? I don't understand, but that makes a lot of sense that, you know, it's pain rather than just boredom. So yeah.

So now you just have to have that practice of having that recognition. So it's like, what are its sweets? You know, it's like, I know why I eat the sugar. I always go back to the food analogies, but you, you know, you gotta, you gotta stop before you break that seal. You have to find the boundaries or the energy to just not go there, and focus channel energy somewhere else.

Because again, you don't wanna reach out to him, you can't control him. This is his outlet, this is his diary, this is his journal. We can sit to debate whether it's like, is it kind of an ick that he's going online and talking about this? Sure, and is it kind of dumb that he actually is using his personal name?

Fine, listen, it's 2024 and this is the world that we live in and it's technology and people are just, you know, we are becoming lonelier and lonelier as a society. And I wish we would do a lot of different things, but people are finding connections on things like Reddit, whether those are connections that are actually like better than the alternative. I don't think so, but nevertheless, they are connections. And so this is how he is dealing with his relationship. I say this in my book, but like, the internet is a validation trap.

Whatever you're looking for, you will find. You wanna find someone to disagree with you, you'll find on the internet. You wanna find someone who'll agree with you, you'll find it, right? There is no limit to opinions on the internet. You just sometimes have to know where to look. And so he is using this to, you know, find comfort.

And if his friends don't agree with it, he'll find someone on Reddit who does. So let him do his thing. He's going through his process and it really has nothing to do with you. And no one is like, this isn't gonna affect your day-to-day life. It's not, you're not gonna go to some job interview

and be like, well, before we hire you, we needed to address the comments of your ex-boyfriend and what he said about you four years ago. It's not gonna happen. So there's no practical scenario where this is actually gonna affect your life, but you are choosing to allow it to. So it does come down to you.

Yeah, I totally agree with you. Again, do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? Your ego wants to be right. So your ego is going online and agreeing or disagreeing or you can't do this, this is wrong, this is a violation of my trust. This is a violation of my trust and this is a violation of me and he's doing this and it's disgusting and it's gross and blah, blah, blah. I have the right to defend myself and blah, sure. I can't sit there and tell you any

of that would be wrong. Does it get you happy? No. What would make you happy is just being like, this guy, I don't know. I'm once again glad I'm not with him. I'm finally gonna focus on me because I didn't get to do that for so long while in this relationship, but I'm not in this relationship. So I'm not gonna act like I'm in this relationship by investing all my energy into this guy. Yeah. All right.

All righty. Do you think we can implement some of this? Oh yeah, for sure. Let's just delete Reddit. If you have an account, let's get rid of that. Yeah. And before, when you have those moments of weakness, ask yourself, what am I gonna get out of this?

What am I trying to accomplish? Yeah, I was trying to redirect myself when I would think about, I wanna do this, look at this. I'm like, okay, what can I do instead that's actually productive? And maybe go spend time with my dog or go look at good pictures or do something else. I just have to like stick to that.

Unfortunately, your ego wants this guy to still be obsessed with you and regret all the mistakes he's ever made, but you're not entitled to that. Yeah. So just go choose to be happy and live your life and be glad you're not in this relationship anymore. And you have so much life in front of you

and you were incredibly young. So stop wasting any more time on this guy. For sure. All right. All right. Well, good luck. I'm sorry you're going through this, but the good news is this is 100% in your control. Yeah. And that's what you have to realize. When you call dad trying to find a solution to this problem, your solution is 100% in your control, because your solution has nothing to do whether he stops this or not. Yeah I have to just literally not look at it. Yeah I know it's hard but you can do it. Well thank you. All right take care. Bye. Graham Early, listen if you're someone like me you're bad at punctuation, maybe you're a bad speller, maybe you just don't have the time, you're very busy day to

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and breathable to help protect sensitive skin through potty training. Learn more at Huggies.com. Once again, head to Huggies.com to learn more. How's it going? Hi, my name is Marie. I'm 27 years old and I feel disconnected from my boyfriend after his hospital stay and I'm wondering what to do.

Okay, is he still in the hospital or no longer? No, he has been in and out of the hospital since around the 16th of July. For what purposes, if you're able to share? In early July, around the 3rd, he was complaining of some stomach pain and he tends to get really anxious when things are going wrong, even minorly. His anxiety started to get a little high and I talked to him about going to the doctor, even getting him a primary care doctor because he didn't have one. And so we did go to the primary care doctor and

they kind of was wondering maybe IBS, but maybe just a little bit of like anxiety stress colitis. So they sent him home with a couple of medications, went from there and then stomach pain continued. And so he actually did end up going to the ER on the 12th of July and they diagnosed him with appendicitis. So he was scheduled for surgery that evening. I met him there. We did the surgery that night. Everything went well.

We were supposed to be out of there mid, this was on a Friday. So mid Saturday morning, surgeon was like, you'll get out of here. No worries. On that Saturday, he still complained of stomach pain. So the doctor was like, well, you know, I didn't see anything while I was in there. They did it laparoscopically. So by like the camera and the robot, he was like, I didn't see anything in there, but let's just do a couple more scans to make sure everything is good with like gallbladder, all of that. So unfortunately, it was the weekend, they do not do scans like that on the weekend.

He was like, it's probably gonna be Monday, Tuesday before we do the scans. So I was like, well, because he's doing so well post-op and we're just having this mild stomach pain, can we do these outpatient so we don't have to stay in the hospital all weekend? And I got a very hard no from my boyfriend's side. He was very anxious saying that he needed to stay

in the hospital no matter what, even if he did well surgery wise because he was worried something was going wrong. So we did stay in the hospital. My line of work, I did have to work that weekend. So I was working eight to two, both Saturday and Sunday. I told him that I'm happy to be there overnight with you, but I am going to work because I couldn't get anybody to cover my shift. When I told him that

he had to be there by himself for a couple hours on Saturday and Sunday, there was another kind of mental breakdown and he said that he couldn't be alone, there was no way, he was just going to spiral. And so his family is about 14 hours away and they did not offer to come down for any reason for the surgery or anything like that. So it's really just me, my mom and him that are in this current state. And so I asked my mom if he could stay, if she could stay with him that weekend. So she spent her weekend in the hospital with him while I was at work. And then we stayed in the hospital Monday and Tuesday as well overnight.

And I worked Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. And this was even though the doctors were like, you can go home. Yeah, the doctor, when I suggested if we could do it outpatient, the doctors agreed with me. And it was my boyfriend who put a hard stop to that, unfortunately. It all turns out we got our scans.

He had basically the equivalent of acid reflux in his esophagus, which they attributed to his strength. Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy here. Correct. So we went home all as well. He got some acid reducer, like 90% of the population does, and we're good there. Well, it's a month now and we're still every conversation that he says like even in passing, he was like, I'm still a little worried. Like I'm doing okay, but I'm still worried. And I was like, I just really don't know what else to do. I'm really tired of hearing it. I had a birthday. It was actually the day after we got out of the hospital. It was my birthday and there was no card, no nothing, no flowers, no nothing that was there.

I understand that he was recovering and he wasn't at work, but like there's a delivery service, you could have handwritten a note. Is your boyfriend in any type of therapy? No, I've suggested that because I am in therapy. And that was also a hard no because of course, he's talking to a stranger, he wouldn't know who to talk to, what to talk about. They're worried that he would judge, they would judge him.

I mean, these are common fears of jumping into therapy, but as you know, I mean, I'm assuming you said, well, that's, you know, some things like, well, that's not what a therapist does. They're not there to judge you. And I even suggested just like couples therapy too. If he didn't want to just do it by himself, if he was worried about that. Um, my particular therapist doesn't do couples, but I was like, we can go find

one, um, we can do it in person or online, depending on what you want to do. And he was like, well, why do you think we need couples therapy? What's wrong? Are you going to leave me? And it was just the spiral once again. Well, listen, I, I'm always an advocate for couples therapy in general as a proactive tool, you know, to help stay and be connected with your partner to work through these issues. Not a therapist as you know, but it doesn't sound to me like a couples therapist would solve your boyfriend's problems.

I think everyone on some level can be a hyper-contract. You know, I've had my bouts of being a hyper-contract. I've literally worried myself sick in the past. So I think it's fairly common. We've been there. Sounds like your boyfriend is a whole nother level. And I will preface that he's, like I said, he doesn't have a primary.

He's never been in the hospital. He's never had a surgery. He's never been in the hospital. He's never had a surgery. Nothing traumatic has happened in his life. And I'm kind of the opposite. I joke that I'm a really good bachelor contestant because I have a lot of material to make a sob story out of me. Because I've been through a lot of trauma. And so an appendicitis surgery wouldn't bother me at all, and like, we'd be good and all is well,

but that was like the end of the world to him. And so now we're worried that we have like cancer when we're a healthy 28-year-old male. So. Well, I mean, you are aware of your trauma. Yeah. You have, I'd be willing to guess he has some that you or him are unaware of.

And again, trauma can come in all different forms. I had an incredible childhood overall compared to people I know or some of the Bachelor of Sob stories out there. But I have my own trauma, right? And trauma doesn't always have to come from your upbringing. Doesn't always have to come from your parents. Could just be like getting lost at the museum one day

and feeling like when you're young, which happened to me, I still remember it, you know, I don't know. And I don't even know if that's trauma I have to deal with or how that affects me. I don't know, you know, but I can be neurotic at times. I don't know where that comes from. I'm a big believer that you can't help people who don't want to help themselves. You just kind of have to figure, I don't know if I have any good answers for you. Right. I mean, like you're, you're pro you're trying other things that I probably would

have tried. You're trying, I'm sure you're trying to level with him. And I'm trying to listen, but then I feel like I'm getting resentful because I'm tired of hearing about it. At the sake of you, you know, just saying, here, have you ever done this? And you're being like, I have. But have you sat him down and said, babe, I love you. And I really want to make this relationship work. And I hope that, you know, me being there for you and even going out, you

know, I obviously I had to, you know, I have a job, but certainly my mom came, you know, we, my, my extended family is even here to pick, you know, be there for you. So like my desire to be in a relationship with you and, and to, again, I, I want to go to couples therapy with you. I'm an individual therapy. I don't know what else I can do to show to you that I am committed to this relationship. That being said, I really feel stuck right now because despite your fears and you say, oh, am I going to leave you, you never seem to want to do anything about it other than just complain. I don't think I've worded it that way. I've had a hard time articulating it because I fear that we're just going to spiral immediately

no matter what I say. You know, I did call him out about my birthday. He was like, sorry, it was just bad timing. And I even called him out further and was like, well, a handwritten note would have been cool. And yeah, listen, maybe maybe he'll make up to me, you know, it is one birthday at his bed time and who knows, but demanding to stay in the hospital and not listening to his doctors is extreme. I don't know what his financial situation is, but I'm guessing it costs him a lot of money,

money he may not necessarily have to waste at least. He probably had a better use of said money, but he chose to listen to his neurotic self instead of listening to doctors. That's a bit concerning. That's a red flag, right? So this isn't sustainable either. So how long has he been like this?

Have you noticed it getting worse and worse? Has he always been a little bit neurotic and a little paranoid? A little, yeah. Like he tends to, you know, with like hobbies, he'll find one and he'll be on it for like a month or so and then he'll pop off and do another one. So once he invests in something,

he definitely kind of goes gung ho for it, but he's never had any health issues. I mean, we've been together for four years and this is the first time. Have you gotten a new acknowledge at least that it was unnecessary for him to stay in the hospital? Yes, and he was like, well the doctors didn't fight me on it.

And I was like, of course they're not gonna fight you on it because they're getting money. Well, not even that, they're just like, it's not their problem to fight with you. It's just like, it's not their problem to fight with you. It's just like, doctors, the doctor went home, visited his family, left, didn't care. It wasn't like, I can assure you that if the doctor was forced to stay by your boyfriend's bedside

the entire time, the doctor would've had a different opinion. Yeah, no, I agree. And then we also had a psyche valve during the weekend as well. So I kind of was like, well, why do then we also had a psyche valve during the weekend as well. So I kind of was like, well, why do you think we had a psyche valve? Um, and he was like, well, I think it was because I was anxious

about this whole thing. And I was like, I agree. Maybe we should continue. A little step further than just general anxiety. It was, this person is refusing to go home, even though the doctors are saying it's probably best to go home. And this person is almost having what seems like a mental health breakdown a little bit.

And that's, you know, if I were him, that's the thing I'd be most worried about. You know, that he's losing himself and his mental health and he's spiraling. And he is, you know, he is putting his relationship at risk. I mean at some point you can't keep placating him and at some point you're gonna have to say, you know, you're gonna want to lead with love obviously, be like what I want is for us to be together and what I want is us to support each

other but actually also be willing to receive the help that each other's are willing to give. You know your boyfriend demands all this support and help from you but he's also very you know limited in what he's willing to receive and when he's willing to receive it. Suggestion of therapy? No I don't want to do that stupid you know blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. He's not willing to listen to his doctors you know he's pushing his girlfriend away he's you know he's becoming so obsessed with his overall health that he doesn't think he's being self-centered or selfish.

Like he's convinced himself his life's on the line. It's like, what are you gonna do, man? They didn't find cancer. They didn't find any, they didn't even find pre-cancer. They didn't even find any markers that would suggest that like, I don't know, this is something we shouldn't monitor. So what, you know, but you can worry yourself sick, you know, for all we know, his appendicitis was 100% stressed induced.

I agree with you. Again, not a doctor, just guessing. So, you know, I don't know how helpful this is, other than I'm just kind of validating your frustrations, but... Yeah. Yeah, I mean, at some point, you're going to have to have tougher conversations with him. You know, and I guess my advice is to lead with love, you know, try to reassure him

as much as you can to say, I want to, I want to be with you. I also need to be taken care of, you know, and not because not when I'm sick, but just on a date, we, we as boyfriend and girlfriend need to take care of each other, both when we're feeling good and when we're not feeling good. I need you to recognize that a lot of this stuff has been induced by your own anxiety. And listen, I know what it's like to have anxiety. I'm not judging you for having anxiety,

but I need you to recognize where this is all stemming from and be willing to do something about it. What I can't do is have you continue to refuse to listen to the people who know best and refuse to help yourself and then demand that me and my mom step up at a moment's notice whenever you need it. But simultaneously not be willing to help yourself. I don't like as much as I love you. I can't keep doing that. We're not connecting like boyfriend and girlfriend are. I don't like as much as I love you, I can't keep doing that. We're not connecting like boyfriend and girlfriend are. I don't want to be your nurse or your caretaker and you're not sick. Yeah, I feel like I'm his mother right now.

So are you willing to, you know, you got to ask them, are you willing to help yourself out? Are you willing to work with me to, you know, get you back on to feeling like a healthy person? Because the truth is, despite him not having cancer, your boyfriend isn't healthy right now. I don't know what's going on in his head, but he is really struggling. And maybe it's just a, I don't know, who knows?

It could be a million things. So I kind of got his parents involved too with all of this, trying to see if they could get through to him at all. And his dad blamed it on, we're thinking about getting engaged. And he was like, maybe he's just anxious about an upcoming proposal. Who knows? Well, you can propose to me on the couch. Like, it doesn't have to be a big thing.

If that's what this is causing, then I don't want it at all, you know? Also, you want to be in a relationship with someone who is capable of this. And again, if your boyfriend is not mature enough to be in this type of serious relationship, you do have to consider the possibility that maybe he's the thing, or guy, because this isn't sustainable.

If he continues to shoot down every attempt that you have at trying to find a solution to this problem, then he's gonna force your hand. Love is not enough. Two people have to be willing to be in a relationship, to do their part, to be there for the other person. And yes, you got to find the balance, you know, especially when there are days where you both feel like you're in need of care and comfort and reassurance. And those can be the difficult days. And sometimes you have to both put your own selfish needs aside to be there for the other person. But he's got to figure out how to get

out of this rut. And, you know, I would, if I were him, he needs to at least be open to the possibility of seeking out some therapy. Because this seems to be a mental health issue. If he's unwilling to explore getting mental health help, then I don't know where to go from here. I agree with you. It's just, it's weird that it all of a sudden, in our four years, this is the first time that this has happened.

But now, I have fears that if anything ever happens to me or him again, then this is just gonna continue. Your boyfriend is not demonstrating any type of resilience. Correct. It's kind of an ick. But listen, I think I've really prided myself on my emotional resilience.

But I've had to do a lot of work. I haven't always been this person. I've always been resilient in aspects of my life, but not always emotionally. Does your boyfriend demonstrate any type of resilience at all? Like what about, is he competitive? Is he athletic?

Does he push? Yeah, I mean, he's competitive. Does he quit a lot or is he? No, no, he doesn't quit. He is about 14 hours away from his family now. So he did kind of do a move not knowing anybody. So I think that that does have some bravery. He was able to move, get a new job, meet people. He met me through that move. And he's able to stay and not quit and move back home. Maybe that's resilience.

and he's able to stay and not quit and move back home. Maybe that's resilience. Sure, okay. But there hasn't been many obstacles that he's had to show that. So this being the first one, I think he has failed that test. My advice is you have to probably have some more honest conversations with him.

And you have to stop being afraid of coddling him. Because coddling him isn't getting him anywhere. And you can to stop being afraid of coddling him because coddling him isn't getting him anywhere. And you can do that by still being compassionate. You can still lead with love and you can still try to reassure him, but you need to start letting him know how this is affecting you. And you need to start communicating some expectations of him, of what you need him to start doing to get back on the same page. And you need to be able to be honest with him about, hey, I am feeling disconnected from you as a result of all this.

My only real goal right now is to reconnect with you. That's the only thing I'm thinking about. I don't wanna consider ending a relationship with you, but I need you to not spiral. And I need you to figure it out. And I need you to be willing to wanna help yourself. And I need you to figure it out, and I need you to be willing to wanna help yourself, and I need you to not be resistant to every possibility

of what that help might look like, because I can't keep doing this, and if you are unwilling to help work with me, then eventually while I don't wanna end this relationship, like it might come to that, and he needs to be able to hear that and man up and do something about it, not be like, oh well

You're gonna bring up everyone. Just break up with me now. It's just like, you know, if that's his reaction then maybe he's just not there Maybe he's not maybe you know, he isn't Adult enough or mature enough to be in a very committed relationship Then maybe he has some growing up to do. And that growing up he's gonna have to probably figure it out on his own. It might take, you know, cause the truth is, it's a good chance your boyfriend's totally fine.

He's going through a little bit of a rut here. That even on a mental health standpoint overall, he's probably fine. He's just really, he's just allowed himself to spiral and he's just kind of enjoying kind of sitting in his sadness and he just needs a kick in the pants. And unfortunately, maybe that kick in the pants might be you leaving him.

And then having a, you know, sparring a little bit more and maybe losing some friends and six months go by, he kind of wakes up and realizes he needs to start feeling, stop feeling sorry for himself and get the fuck out there and maybe get into there, I don't know. And this, how old is your boyfriend? 28. 28, I was, you know, it's funny

because at 28 I definitely felt like, 28 was the year I really feel like I started really discovering myself and being comfortable with myself or who I was and feeling like I could be honest with myself about my flaws as much as I was my weakness and my strengths. And so maybe you're just, your boyfriend just is overall a healthy,

well-rounded guy, but he has gotten in this rut and gotten stuck and I don't know, maybe losing you is the wake-up call he needs. Maybe at 32 or 33, he will have figured it out and be ready to give someone what you hoped he would give you, but that is a possibility. And you're gonna have to ask yourself if you're willing to embark on a three or four year journey

to help this guy figure out his shit. Right, yeah. Because it is, I guess my general advice is you gotta stop coddling him, because right now that's kinda what you're doing. And you need to be willing to say, I'm sorry, I can't help. You know what, you can do this.

If you wanna stay in the hospital, I have to go to work and my mom can't come. But just to remind you that everyone thinks you should be able to go home. But if you wanna stay here, then you need to deal with it. And if he kicks in screams and throw a temper tantrum, you're just gonna have to let him. But he also still needs to be accountable

for whatever comes out of his mouth. And whatever he says in a state of anger, he doesn't get out of jail free card to say hurtful things or do hurtful things because he's in a state of anxiety or panic or fear or whatever. He's still an adult man. He hasn't been committed. He hasn't been diagnosed with any type of severe mental health disease at this point. He just sounds like he's struggling and he's in a bit of a rut and he's refusing to get any help. And it might require tough love, I don't know. Yeah, that's good.

All right. I agree with you. I'm gonna have to, I gotta man up myself, I guess. Well, I'm sorry, it's tough. You're a tough situation, but. Yeah, what does your therapist say? She, I mean, she feels very similarly. I just, I feel like I tried to do the conversation multiple times, and then when I hit the,

so you're gonna leave me wall, then I just back away, and I'm like, okay, well, we can just keep trying, but you're right, I just need to like push through. He needs to hear, when he goes there, he needs to hear, I don't want to, that's the last thing I wanna do, that is, I don't even like considering that. But if you are unwilling to hear me out,

if you are just gonna bulldoze these conversations and victimize yourself, you know, and not try to find solutions with me rather than just like, you know, feeling sorry for yourself, then it may come to that, but I do be clear, don't want that. But you are making it incredibly difficult for me to try to stay connected to you.

And I'm getting frustrated, I am. And I don't wanna feel like your parent. And I think you do need to deal with your shit better than you're dealing with it now, if I'm being honest. Oh, that's good. Good. So I would, you know, I would try that.

Yeah. All right. Well, let us know how that goes. Yeah. I'll give you an update. That'll be quite a doozy one. Yeah. It sucks you're going through this, but just know that you're not as old as you feel.

Your life will go on if he ends up not being your guy. And there's a possibility he is not your guy. And just stay open to that. There's a real, you're not engaged and you're not married. So don't act like you are by not, you know, by refusing to consider your options. No, that's a good statement. My mom said that I was doing life duties on a girlfriend's salary. Yeah, you are. And listen, to some degree, like that is part of the gig, you know, like especially serious committed relationships that talk about engagement, you know. You got to be able to act the part a little bit before someone's willing to commit their whole life to

you. But yes, there is a balance. And the problem is not that you're willing to do it. The problem is, is he's not doing his end. You know, you're not getting it reciprocated. You know, he is playing the role of the boy and not the role of a man partner in a relationship that requires, you know, two people feeling like there can be taken care of, be taken care of. I agree with you. All right. Tough love. It's time for tough love. Yeah. All right. Good luck. Keep us posted.

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cheating. He was a long-term situationship but we were definitely exclusive and we were not supposed to be seeing other people. Then why was it a situationship? Because he didn't feel ready to call it boyfriend girlfriend. How can someone cheat on someone who's not their girlfriend? Because we had both agreed that we were not sleeping with other people. Okay, fair enough. He just for some reason didn't want that label. But there's a reason why, you know.

Well, sure. Yeah, I'm very confused with what seems to be this new, like we're exclusive but not boyfriend and girlfriend. And you're not the only one who falls into this kind of trap but I honestly don't know what that means with people. That was definitely a issue for the entirety of the situationship. And we did take a break for a while

because I kind of set a boundary or put my foot down and said, I'm not willing to put like any more time into this if you don't want to have a relationship with me. And we had recently restarted things because he had given me the impression that he was ready now. What do you mean by that? What do you mean he gave you the impression? Well, he told me that he wanted to restart things and that he felt more

secure and felt that we could get to that point. So to be clear, if I'm just hearing you back, you were in a situation with this guy, you wanted the relationship, he didn't. Yes. At some point you got frustrated and appropriately said, hey listen, I can't keep doing this, we're gonna stop.

You attempted to set a boundary, you attempted to take back your power. And for a short period of time that worked, some time went by, he reached back out and said, hey, I've done some soul searching, I've done some reflecting, I think I am ready to get close to where you want me. Some version of that? I am ready to get close to where you want me.

Some version of that? Yeah. So in reality, he called you up and said, I'd like to restart what we had, but nothing will be different. Yeah. Except that I will offer you a promise, a promise that I had already offered you in the past, but I'm just gonna repackage it as a new promise and hope that you accept. Is that

accurate? Yeah. Okay. Hurts a little more when you put it in that way. I'm not trying to hurt you. I am just trying to help you. You're in a situation right now where you feel very victimized and you know it sounds like he wasn't honest with you and I'm not saying you aren't on some levels of victim of his actions, but I need you to realize that the, the, how long has this been a situationship for when you first start fucking around with this guy? Last year, last summer. Okay.

Not that bad. You know, there's a lot longer situations out there, but anyways, for 12 months, give or take, you have been accepting less than you want from this person. And a lot of that is on you. And you've done a lot of conceding and a lot of justifying and a lot of ignoring whatever boundaries you've tried to set for yourself. And that kind of falls on you a little bit.

And so, I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. I'm saying this because I want you to stop doing this so that you can move forward. And ideally not with this guy. I don't even know what he sent a text yet, but it sounds like it was, you know, you can only imagine. We'll get to that in a second. But listen, you have a pattern here

and you need to break this pattern. And this pattern is you are willing to not enforce your own boundaries. You are willing to not listen to your gut about what you need to be happy in relationships. You have a pattern of banking on hope and things like that. And if you have this pattern, there will be other men in your life

hoping to take advantage of these bad habits that you have. And I'm hoping that you will evaluate that in this time right now before you start dating again, because the last thing you want is to find another guy to have another situationship with. And you, I guarantee, will have the opportunity to jump into another situationship. There is no shortage nowadays of men who want to dip their toes in the water without fully committing and being boyfriend and girlfriend. For whatever reason our

society has decided that a boyfriend and girlfriend label is the equivalent of a marriage. And we've become so precious with who we identify as our exes or it's like, oh, well, she wasn't my ex. You know, we just like fucked around for a year. It's like, okay, who cares, who gives a fuck? But you know, that's where we're at right now. So anyway, what was the text? What did you say?

Well, it's pretty long. Do you want me to read the whole thing or just give a synopsis? Read me them, I don't know, how long is it? It's a couple paragraphs. I mean, I'd love to go through it, but I don't know if you want to. Let's read it, yeah.

Well, so when I caught him cheating, I sent him, I don't know what you're doing, but I have a feeling that you know it would hurt me since you lied to me about it and then you haven't tried to talk to me about it afterwards I can't believe you treat me like this after all this time but thanks for showing me your true colors and he didn't respond for a couple days and then he sent this I lied to you obviously that was wrong and I know that it's not the first time I've lied to you but it was the worst I'd say I lied about spending time with you Friday because I just wanted to be alone and took

the easy way out instead of saying I'm having an exhausting week and am put off by being asked to spend a night with you for the second time after already seeing you and having little free time myself. Selfish, I know. And yeah, then I ended up going to a stranger's place and again last night. Besides you, I don't really fuck around with others and haven't since last year. Partially I've lied to you in the past because you frighten me. You frighten me because of all the things going on in my chaotic life, and while you've

been a very positive and helpful resource through all of this, I've also felt pressured to spend time with and communicate with you for months, frankly because you are just relentless and act hurt when I resist, which isn't the worst thing, except when the last thing I want in my life right now is relationship-esque anything, which I've told you, yet you persist. I'm not your boyfriend,

and I don't wanna be anyone's boyfriend. For this reason, I can lie all I fucking want, and frankly, I'm not obligated to explain a thing, but I'm doing so because of all the good we've been through. And while I was wrongful to deceive you this past week, you crossed the line by stalking my location, which I'm sure has happened before, which is how I found out.

What do you mean by, do you have, do you guys share each other's locations? Yeah, he would willingly give me his location. Well, you're not stalking. Right. But okay. I was not even looking that day, but that is so uncalled for, out of bounds, and the fact that you freak out over anything I do is a major problem. That is mainly why I fled from you.

There is an air of dependency that makes me so uncomfortable. I love talking with and spending time with you, but the fact that you seemingly cannot be independent nor control however these things get manifested in your brain really, really just unsettles me, especially when I've impressed how much I need space and then I get assaulted with it. I know you're probably hurt by this, but you cross the line and refuse to change. What's going to happen now, since I honored your request of answering, is you are going to leave me alone and figure out why you are so emotionally dependent on another who reciprocates very little of the same. If I were in a different place, maybe that would be different.

But it's not, and you are tormenting yourself by trying to nail me down, and I want it to stop and all it does is push me away, which I really don't want. Do not fire back messages. I want radio silence for some time now, and you can reach out when you have a grip on this. That's harsh for sure. Take away the attacks on your character or whatever, but like, can you read between the lines, I guess, in terms of, do you understand why he says what he says, at least? I mean, I feel like it all comes down to what he's been saying the whole time is that he like doesn't want to be together.

Okay, that is I mean, listen, there are, I can disagree with his how he's communicated this. He does sound like a jerk, but there is a theme in that message, which is I've tried to communicate to you that I don't want a relationship and you keep pressuring me into wanting to be in a relationship. Yeah. And I guess on its surface, and I again, I don't want a relationship and you keep pressuring me into wanting to be in a relationship. Yeah.

And I guess on its surface, and again, I don't think you're doing, I understand where you're coming from, but is that generally true, what are you saying? Like a couple months ago, it would have been true before we took the break, but I think I'm mainly confused because the break ended because he wanted to get back together and

try things and really commit to it this time. And this text message was a week after he got back from a trip in Europe and he called me the entire time and he brought me back gifts. And so to be clear, this man and even this message, this is not a goodbye message. He's trying to put you in your place. He fully expects and even said, he doesn't want this to end. He doesn't want you to push him away, right? So his justification in his head, because you're thinking, I'm guessing,

correct me if I'm wrong, am I taking crazy pills? I literally said, I don't want to do this anymore. Please go away. He went away for a short period of time. Then he came back in my life. And now he's accusing me of X, Y, or Z. And that's right. That's how you're seeing it. How he is seeing it is he really enjoys having you

in his life at his convenience, right? So if you're willing to play by his rules and his boundaries and be available when he wants and needs you, he loves having you around, whatever it is you give him, whether it's the sex or the emotional support or just someone to go to dinner with or whatever it is, he really enjoys being able to pick up the phone

and saying, hey, are you available? And you saying yes, right? What he does not enjoy doing is you having any expectations of him outside of what he wants. You know, he doesn't want for you to be able to call him up and say, hey, I need you right now. I'm having a really bad day. I need you to drop what you're doing and be there for me.

He doesn't want any part of that, right? And so when you came to him and said, I can't do this anymore, please stop calling me, he was not happy, right? Because you took away the access he became so used to having from you in this situationship, which is again, that supports this and that time, the sex, whatever it is.

So you set a boundary, he didn't like that boundary. And so you quote unquote in his mind forced him to compromise his boundary, which is to like consider the possibility of maybe he could someday actually get into a relationship with you whenever he was ready and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which he never wanted to say in the first place.

But you in his mind forced his hand, right? And so then you did the thing that you shouldn't have done, which is like allowed him back into your life, even though he didn't say anything new or different or make anything new, and he didn't even make new promises. And then he got back in the same routine. He got access to you, the access he always wanted, but your demand still maintained

and he's, you know, how old is he? 27. Yeah, I mean he's emotionally very immature, he's not wanting a relationship, he's not capable of giving a relationship and you are unfortunately not seeing that or accepting that and you are stubbornly, you know, hoping that one day he'll wake up and want to choose you. And that's where your ego comes in of, I invested so much in this guy. He is not boyfriend material. And that's what you need to see. Yeah.

You don't wanna be with this guy. No. Not with who he is. Not after that text. Or even before. He is not capable of being who you want. You are hoping he becomes a different person. He doesn't want a girlfriend.

And the part where you need to take responsibility is your stubbornness and not listening to him about that. I do think that is the role people need to, I think that people need to acknowledge is that people go into these situationships and they meet people and then people say, hey, I'm not looking for a relationship right now and we just ignore them.

And you hear the word right now as some sort of like, oh, not right now? Okay, well fine. As long as you give me the ability to show you how amazing I am and how amazing we can be, then I'm fine with not right now because I'll show you. That's where your ego is like, we'll show them. We'll show them, we'll show them.

Don't worry, let's like, a challenge accepted. But what they really said is I'm not, I don't want this. And you ignored them. Yeah. You have to take some responsibility for that. And right now there are a bunch of people, it's not just you, there are a bunch of people out there who wanna take no responsibility

for completely ignoring the boundaries that the people they want to date set. That was his boundary, I don't want a relationship. I don't want you to have expectations of me, I'm not capable or willing to be this person that you want. But if you want, I am willing to show up at my convenience. He said that, he said that. He was pretty fucking honest about that several times

and you kind of ignored it. And again, he was an absolute jerk for sending this message. But if you're trying to make sense of where this is coming from, that is where it's coming from. I don't agree with him. I think he's incredibly immature for his age. If I were his dad or his brother,

I would be like, you're kind of embarrassed. Like, where did we go wrong here? You know? But unfortunately, our society has very little expectations of where men should be at this age in life. And it's everyone's fault, you know, to a certain degree. But what are you gonna do about it? You need to stop ignoring these people's boundaries

that they're setting. You need to stop listening to your ego and accepting these challenges of proving to people how great you can be in a relationship. And you need to hear people say exactly what they're capable of giving you when they're capable of giving it and accept that as their truth.

When someone says, I don't want a relationship right now, you just simply say, thank you for being honest. I do. Again, next time, you know, cause things aren't always so black and white, but like next time, and good for you. Good for you for trying to set that boundary

back when you did. But next time someone pops back in their life, short of them saying, I am ready to be in the relationship with you. I am ready to be your boyfriend. I, you know, I'm ready to commit to you. Then you are not interested, you shouldn't be interested in anything else. Because they're just trying to also get to you

to ignore your boundary, your boundary being, I want the relationship. And he's also ignoring your boundary. So it cuts both ways. You're definitely right. This is a pattern of mine, for sure. You have to break that pattern. The pattern's not gonna be broken

by getting someone to change their mind about you. Right, no, I think it's so easy to get like, wrapped up in the emotions of it all and the excitement and thinking that it could work and yeah. He definitely told me many times that he did not want a relationship and I kept holding out for it, so. Yeah, and listen, there's exceptions to every rule. Like, you know, there could be people listening to this

and be like, well, you and Natalie met and you guys were kind of in a situationship for nine months and like, yeah, maybe there's a valid criticism. If I were to nitpick, I would say, I never told Natalie I didn't want a relationship. I just told her I didn't want a relationship with her. And that was because obviously I was very self-conscious

about a lot of the age difference and things like that, but Nellie was just like, well, I know who I am and I'm going to show this person that I am capable of being in the relationship that they say they want. Because I did want a relationship. I was just very nervous about the relationship that I thought we could have. And Nellie, you know, again, you know, it was her ego

and she did take a risk, but she definitely didn't ignore my boundary. This guy's flat out telling you he doesn't want a relationship. He's incapable of being in one. It'd be different if some guy was like, listen, I don't know if we're compatible. I do really want a relationship, but I just don't know if you're my person.

And again, I still think you should listen to that person, but if you truly think they're misreading you, if they are telling you about you and you're like, well, tell me more about me because you're wrong about me. You know, like that's not who I am. And if you wanna accept that challenge and show them who you are because you think they got you wrong,

then you know, you can do that. But that's not what's going on here. This guy isn't asking about you. It has nothing to do with you. It's his boundary. So the update though is that a couple weeks later, which is no surprise to any of us, he texted me and said, I know you're not expecting this, but this is what came of that and I thought you should know. I'm moving on from things like this. There's no one else and this is how it ends because people that aren't you don't matter, and it is not worth it.

Everything I said above still applies, but you at least deserve some clarity that I ended things with her. Doesn't matter. Again, he's not ready. Even if he called you tomorrow and said, I wanna be your boyfriend, I don't think he knows what that means.

He needs to grow up. This guy needs to grow up. And you need to accept that. And you need to see him for who he is. Not boyfriend material. Definitely not. Stop hoping for his potential. Did you respond to that?

No, I didn't respond to any of them. I like blocked him and unfollowed him on everything and like removed him. Good for you. So don't respond, leave it at that. Yeah. No, I mean, do you think he's changed? What's changed?

No. Nothing's changed. I mean, I think the only thing I'd want is like, I just like want him to know how much he hurt me, but that's probably pointless. I think he probably knows. I think he probably knows. You blocked him, you haven't responded.

You're probably upset. Yeah, he probably knows. He ended things with her, whatever that means. Do you even know who her is? No, whoever he was fucking on the side. Clearly, it was more than just a random thing. He was dating someone else. Yeah.

And there's no such thing as we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but we're exclusive. There's no such thing. Yeah. I feel like people do that. It's like, yeah, I'll say I'm exclusive with you because there's no one else I want to hang out with or fuck, but I don't wanna be your boyfriend

because if that does happen, I want the freedom and the option to explore that. That is what people mean. When people don't wanna be your boyfriend or girlfriend, for those listening, but they are willing to be exclusive with you, it is only because they have no other present options. And their reluctance to give you that label

means that they want to have that option to explore those options when those options present themselves. That's why, that is the truth. They can call it whatever they want, but that is the truth. And that's what always happens. Mm-hmm, damn. You do need to take responsibility that you also have been ignoring his boundaries

and ignoring him. Yeah. And on some levels, pressuring a man who has at least admitted that he is not emotionally capable of being a boyfriend and you have tried to pressure him into doing something he's admitted that he's not emotionally ready for.

Mm-hmm, yeah. It didn't feel like it at the time, but. And now granted, if I'm his friend, I would be, you know, like, you know, if I'm his friend, I would be like, you know, he should probably be a little embarrassed about that. He should probably want to like grow up and do the work so that if someone good, you know, because listen,

all you can hope, and this is really just an ego thing, this is not something you should spend a lot of energy on, is that he'll regret this. He will regret and you hopefully will never, listen, if a year from now he's still knocking by your door and talks about all the work he's done and maybe some therapy he's gotten

and why he's really ready to be in a relationship and really wants to commit to you. And again, his message that he's texted you, you should keep that message in a sense. I know it's hurtful, but boy, he really beat down the point that he is not ready. He can't do it. He doesn't have the emotional bandwidth

to be willing to consider your needs when you need him. And that was his truth. And he even says, I am sorry I hurt you, but that still stands. That is that is almost a cry for help in a way by him saying, I can't do this. I can't be there for you. I can only I can barely be there for myself. But I do love you around when I need you. Again, because he's you know, he's kind of emotionally weak. And he needs to get stronger. He needs to do some work. He needs to build on emotional resilience. And like, that's fine.

You know, and that's up to him to decide. But he is not capable of being your boyfriend. Even if he said that in the next couple months, it wouldn't be true. It would just be a reaction to his fears. His fears, again, that's why he reached back out. It wasn't because he was ready to give you what you wanted. It's because he really missed what he had.

Yeah. And what he had was good enough for him, but not even remotely close good enough for you. And you've been willing to accept what's not good enough for you for far too long. Definitely. And that is on you. That's your responsibility and your fault.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, yeah, I don't really have anything else to say. You're definitely at the nail on the head. Do you think, I mean, so I feel like he's going to text me at some point again. And we also live in a very walkable city. So I do like, I've seen him on the street and I just ignore him. That's good.

Listen, you need to, if you're gonna ruminate about anything, you need to ruminate about the fact of what I'm saying. He is not who I need him to be. He's just not. You need to see him for that. You can't, you've been seeing him for his potential for far too long.

You have empathized with him and you felt bad for him. It's just like, you can feel bad for him. You deserve someone who can take care of you and be there for you and step up in times where you need someone to do that. You haven't been patient enough and willing enough to wait around for it. Take solace in the fact that he has a hard time

getting over you. You don't sit there and have a pity party about yourself, like, I'd never get a guy that'd want to commit to me. No one gives more than they have to. They just don't. You know? When was the last time you went and bought something? And they were like, that'll be $10.

And you're like, here's 20. Yeah, never. So, people don't do that in relationships either. So as long as you're willing to accept 10, he's never gonna give you the 20. You have to be like, no, this costs 20. And a better way of describing that scenario is every time you're like, hey, that'll be $20,

people are like, well, all I got is 10. You're like, okay. Yeah'll be $20. People are like, well, all I got is 10. You're like, okay. Yeah, they're like bartering with me. Yeah. And as soon as you accept 10, that's what you'll get and you'll never get more. Yeah. Because then they will see that as the value.

It's like, well, so you need to stop that. And again, you need to see him for who he is. A guy who's just not what, he's not boyfriend material. He can't take care of you. He can't give you what you want. You're not even that happy around him. You just, your ego likes feeling you, it still has a chance.

Even around him, you're always wanting more. You're always wanting more. It does keep you preoccupied. It does keep you busy., it does keep you busy, it keeps you emotionally invested, but you've, I don't, do you remember the last time that you sat next to him and thought, I'm really, really happy right now? It had definitely been a minute. Yeah. I mean, I was very wary and unsure when we restarted things. Exactly. And I don't mean like, oh, I'm having

fun right now. I mean, like I'm, I can sit here and think about us and our future and our potential and boy, I'm really happy. now. I mean, like I can sit here and think about us and our future and our potential, and boy, I'm really happy. Oh yeah, no, that always stressed me out. So why were you doing it? Yeah. So if you're gonna ruminate, ruminate on that. Okay.

And so when you see him, that guy is not capable of, and I don't care if you go on the apps three months from now and he's posting pictures with other women and maybe he even gets a girlfriend. I mean, that might happen. You know what I'm saying? Especially if you ignore him and you cut him off, well, this guy is going to have a reaction to that.

He's gonna try to overcompensate. He's gonna maybe try to get your attention. How does he get your attention? He's gonna date someone else and try to make you jealous. He's gonna give her the very thing he would never give you. Well, he claims he's ready to be a boyfriend now and she doesn't want me to be her boyfriend so I'll be someone else's boyfriend.

But this guy for over a year has screamed at you, I can't be your boyfriend, I can't be your boyfriend. That is his truth. And everything else is just a reaction. And for him to grow up and able to be the emotional, mature man capable of being someone's boyfriend, it's gonna take some time. And you need to see that and believe that.

And whatever he does is this bullshit. He has shown you for a year who he really is. You know him better than anyone knows him right now. And so what you see online or what you see him do, it's all bullshit. You know who this person is. And this person is someone who can't be a boyfriend. Yeah.

And that's the only thing you should play back in your head. Just listen to this episode over and over again. Yeah. That helps. I mean, it's hard to hear, but it is necessary to hear, I think. I mean, it's really easy for all my friends to just be like, he's the worst, you're the best, all that stuff. But it's not about him being the worst or you the best. It is about you being honest with yourself about what you're getting and about who he is. And stop lying to yourself about your chances

of getting what you need and his potential. He's not the worst, he's not a horrible guy. It's just a guy who needs to grow up and your willingness to coddle him. Yeah. You haven't been good to yourself. But the good news is he clearly needs you. Like if your ego needs validation,

let this last message he sent be that thing that allows you to say, it's not me, it's him. I need you to stop making this worse on me. I do have a lot to offer someone. And I just need to be patient enough to find someone who's emotionally mature enough, who deserves what I'm willing to give because I also deserve to be treated the same way I'm willing to treat someone. And that's where you're selling yourself short.

Yeah, definitely. Because you don't expect reciprocity, you just hope for it. I don't know, I'll write that down. All right. Yeah, dang. You're going to be okay. Yeah. This down. All right. Yeah, dang. You're gonna be okay. Yeah.

This is all good news. I know that. The good news is you have good instincts, for the most, a little bit. You gotta follow through with him, right? Well, truly, you could have responded to this guy you didn't. You know what you need to do.

Now you just need to follow through. You need to stop making excuses. And this will stop when you are ready for it to stop. It you just need to follow through. You need to stop making excuses. And this will stop when you are ready for it to stop. It won't be because of him. If he has the option, he will keep this going. Yeah. He loves the back and forth. Probably.

Yeah. All right. You have a lot to offer someone. You're just not, you have, you just need to be more patient. Yeah. I'm $20. Yeah. You're a million, you know. Yeah need to be more patient. Yeah I'm $20. Yeah you're 20

bucks you're not 10. Yeah. You know price is the price. Mm-hmm. All right. All right. Keep your head held high. There's a lot of you there's a lot of good here you know you've you're not a lost cause you you you you've made some good decisions here you just need to follow through. Yeah, I mean, I've definitely been in stupid situationships like this before. That went on much longer than this one did, so. A situationship, I'll say this until I'm blue in the face,

is not an acceptable relationship status. Yeah. It is a label for people who aren't in a relationship. So if you want one Stop accepting the situationship Mm-hmm. All right. All right. I will All right. Good luck. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah Thanks Felicity don't forget to send your question that asked Nick at the file files comm again Also, don't forget to check out all your favorite updates available behind VyloFiles Plus. Go to

vylofiles.com to sign up and you'll be able to check it out. It's free for a week. Bye.