The Viall Files - E861 Ask Nick - Stop Being The Fixer

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Welcome back to another episode of The Viall Files: Ask Nick Edition!  Our first caller is freshly divorced and struggling to get over a recent fling. Our second caller’s boyfriend only wants her during his football off season. And, our third caller can't stop dating men who see her as their therapist. “There is a theme here, and the theme is you” Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735 Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on the show, contact [e-mail] or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheViallFiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: Huggies - To learn more, visit https://www.huggies.com  Helix Sleep - Get 25% off Sitewide + 2 FREE Dream Pillows with any mattress purchase when you visit https://www.helixsleep.com/viall Wildgrain - For a limited time, Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to https://www.wildgrain.com/VIALL to start your subscription. Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

How's it going? Hi I'm Greg, I'm 38 and I'm thinking about reaching out to a girl I used to date but I need to emotionally protect myself in case I'm rejected again. Okay, when you say rejected again, did she end the fling? She ended it after two amazing dates. Yeah. Why did she end it? You know, she gave me the whole, it's not you, it's me thing. You know, she's not ready for a relationship and yada, yada, yada.

Okay. And why are you thinking about reaching back out? Because to me, it just seems like unfinished business to me and we really hit it off. And a lot was said during the dates, after the dates that made it seem like she wanted to pursue something. And then I heard nothing for a couple of days and then I got the message. So I'm wondering whether or not I should do it, how I should word it if I end up reaching

back out. That's why I'm here. What did you say in response to her when she sent you that it's not you, it's me message? So I had a little bit of a moment of weakness there. I did kind of ask to talk to her about it, kind of like hash it out, which I realize is not the right thing to do now. And then she sent me back something like saying, like, why would I do that kind of thing? And then I just kind of wished her well and went on my way.

Why would she do what? Why would she talk to me about something she's already decided type of thing? Gotcha. Okay. Well, based on what you're telling me, I definitely don't think you should reach out. Okay. All right. Just for fun, just because we're here to have fun. Just convince me why I'm wrong. Okay. Well, so we had two great, great dates. We were kind of moving really, really fast. We kind of We were kind of moving really, really fast. We kind of like, uh, skipped, you know, 10 steps in the relationship. We were love, love bombing each other.

And it's really tough when, cause I didn't know the term love bombing before. This whole thing, but you know, it wasn't just one party giving it and the other person pulling away, she was giving as much as I was giving her. So to me, it was- Were you guys actually saying, I love you? No. Okay. When you say love bombing, give me an example.

Like we were like really excited about, you know, introducing each other to our friends as, you know, boyfriend and girlfriend type of thing, introducing ourselves to family. They basically couldn't besting our feelings as boyfriend and girlfriend type of thing, introducing ourselves to family, basically confessing our feelings for one another. Okay. The best of your recollection,

do you remember being the first one to express your excitement? Were you leading the excitement and she was following or do you feel like it was kind of fairly like back and forth? It was pretty equal. We kind of hit it off right away, uh, messaging on the apps. And then the first date went, went great. And then the second date was the next day and things kind of unfolded from there. And that, and then the second day was the last time I ever saw her and really

spoke to her. Did you guys hook up and have sex? We did, we didn't hook up, we got physical, we kind of fooled around a bit on that second date, which is the day after the first date. All right, but no sex though? No, no. Okay.

When you say you first learned about love bombing, how did that come up, what do you mean by that? Okay, so I'm getting divorced after five and a half years. That's why I'm like testing the dating pool. Okay. Honestly, it was through you, Nick. My sister is a big fan. She's been listening to you since pre-COVID.

And once I broke up with my wife, she recommended your podcast, which I have listened to ever since I read your book, giving her the book. So like, I learned that term through you. And I realized after the fact that that's what I was doing. And that's what she was doing to me. And sorting through my feelings on that is kind of what I'm struggling with. Like I do want to continue dating her and I don't know why things ended. And I know you're probably gonna tell me,

like you obviously just said, like just don't even reach out, but I'm really struggling with that and I'm an anxious detacher. I know that now. And I'm wondering whether this is like worth it or if it is worth it, what do I say and how do I emotionally protect myself?

Yeah, these are all good questions. Couple things I wanna say. When you say you know your anxious attachment, how do you know? Because I text frequently. I'm one of those people who just needs to be reassured when I'm with someone, especially early. And when I don't get the text back, I am, you know, pretty anxious in my head about it.

Okay. The reason I ask too, because I also think, you know, I say, I'm saying this kind of just to be a smart ass, but I do think you should reread the book about love bombing, right? Because my big point in my book was how we are misusing words and watering down the meaning of these words. I'm definitely not an expert in attachment styles. I know the basics of them. I am not even doubting that the little bit you've probably read online or in a book, you're probably accurate. I'm just very cautious about us diagnosing ourselves

because I think at times we like to latch onto these things and we go, it's like, I think it's one thing to have a better understanding of who we are and as people, how we handle our emotions. And then I think sometimes I think we like to latch on these things as almost like excuses in our head to act a certain way or to fit in with the group, oh, what's your attachment style?

Well, I know my attachment style and things like that. I think if you have a therapist that studies this thing and wants to explore your attachment style and what you can do about maybe being an anxious attachment style, I'm all for that. But like randomly reading something about yourself online and then going forward speaking about like, hey, I'm an anxious attachment style. It only really benefits you if you're able to then address

why you are the way you are and maybe learn some tools to stop being that way. Other than that, it's just like, and that's, and that's part of the reason why I'm here as well. Yeah. It's kind of like, yeah, get some more tools as well. And I am in therapy. I did start therapy after me and my wife broke up. Congratulations, that's awesome. And thank you, it's been life changing as you've said many, many times. How long ago did you and your wife separate?

This was back in June, so this is what, now we're at like four months ago. Okay, so it's still pretty raw. I meant to know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right, so it's still pretty raw. Five months ago? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right, so listen, also back to love bombing, I don't know, maybe you guys did, I wasn't there,

but I think there's a huge difference between two people being excited about each other on a date and kind of saying things they don't really know what the fuck they're saying, like, oh, I can't wait to introduce my parents. I don't think that's love bombing. Love bombing comes with intent. Love bombing, like say for example,

gaslighting is a term originally used to identify someone who was a little emotionally abusive. And then they, you know, and I don't, I've just started talking to you, but I don't think either of you were emotionally abusing each other. I think it sounds like both of you were a little excited about the dates that you were on.

I don't know anything about her, but I can imagine why you would be excited. Hell, you're going through a divorce that's emotionally, it fucks you up. You wanna move on from that. You go on a date with someone that like, oh fuck, this is going great, man. I imagine when you got divorced,

there's a lot of fear about like never finding love again and yada, yada, yada, or even connected with anyone and here you are connecting with this woman. Very understandable why you'd get excited about that, right? That's not love bombing. Love bombing is saying things to someone else. Like, for example, let's say you went on a date with this girl and all you wanted to do was, fuck, man, you just wanted to get laid, right?

And so here, and you thought that if you told this girl that you were falling in love with her, that she would drop her pants and have sex with you. And so you said, I love you. And then you had sex, and that you were falling in love with her, that she would drop her pants and have sex with you. And so you said, I love you. And then then you had sex, and then you were like, peace out, that would be love bombing, that would be fucked up,

because then you played to her emotions, you made a promise knowing that you didn't feel that way, but you wanted something in return. And love bombing happens when you express some kind of love or affirmation, not because you feel that way, because you're trying to get something from them. You know, and again, the very common one is like,

there's a hookup situation, a girl's like, well what does this all mean to you? And you're like, what means I love you baby? And then you have sex and you're like, bye, you know, and you're only saying how you feel about her because you think that it'll get you laid. That would be a version of love bombing, right? And I don't think that's what's going on here.

I think you guys got excited about each other. You got a little carried away. And then she said time out, you know? Yeah. So, but like, so the thing that happened after those two amazing dates, after we got physical, after we connected on the date, the following night into the next morning,

she sends me a paragraphs long text in the date the following night into the next morning. She sends me a paragraphs long text in the middle of the night and Says like hey, when was this is in between the dates? So this was no this was after the second date this is like the next night leading into the Morning two days later. So after the second date, but before she ended things Correct. Okay. All right. Good. So she the second date, but before she ended things. Correct. Okay, all right, go ahead. So she sends me this paragraphs long text saying like,

hey, you know, we're moving really, really fast. I really like you. I wanna take things slow. We had plans for a date the next day, which would have been a third date in like less than a week, which I know is a lot, but that was our plan. She said, I want to slow things down. I want to maybe do one or two dates a week max. Let's get into that rhythm. I still like you. I still want to pursue a

relationship with you. It's just a lot right now. She was talking about, you know, she just moved from another state like about six weeks prior so she was kind of getting her feet under her there. She had a girl's weekend that weekend so she was busy. So she said like, let's kind of like take the weekend off and then like regroup for the next day. So it was the next week. So it was a very hopeful text and it made me feel really good. Like, wow, she wants to take a step back. We're moving really, really fast. I totally

recognize that. And I sent her a text back basically saying, I'm down for all of that and totally down for everything there. So we had a call scheduled for the next day and I texted her, I called her, no answer. And she already said she was busy. And I texted her, I called her no answer. And she already said she was busy. So I kind of was like, all right, she's busy, whatever. Then the weekend goes goes by, she's on her girls weekend, she had like a baby shower and a girl strip planned. I resist texting her at all during that time. All the while my sister is coaching me through, you know, how to sort through my feelings

and talking me down from texting her and that's, and that worked out great. You know, because this is, this is how I am, Nick. Like I just, I just, I want to text. I want to like, you know, Hey, how's it going? You know, checking in, whatever, you know, and that's just how I am. So I had to, I had to like actively resist that. So Monday comes, the weekend goes by, Monday comes, I send her a text in the morning like,

hey, I hope you had a great weekend. I'd love to hear all about it, you know, whenever you get a chance. That was in the morning. Two days of ghosting happens after that. And then I kind of forced the issue two days later and say like, hey, you know, you said you wanted to slow things down, but this is like really slow.

Like I want to know what's going on type of thing. And then she sends me the text saying like, you know, it's not you, it's me and blah, blah, blah. So that's where things ended. Okay. Who knows, right? I mean, what I know for sure is that after the first two dates, she felt a little uncomfortable in the speed

in which you guys were moving, right? Correct. Why, how, I don't know, right? And so we know that, right? So is it possible that this message that she sent you in the middle of the night was really just about how to reset expectations with you then move forward? It's possible.

It's also possible that like in the back of her mind, she was already kind of questioning how she felt and maybe psyched herself out. I don't know. It doesn't really- Or it's just like too much too soon. Yeah, who knows? It doesn't really matter.

One advice I wanna give to you as you enter in the dating world is stop giving, is it nice to have a nice date? Sure, of course. It's even better to have two dates in a row that are nice. But that's all they are, is they're two really great dates that really don't mean anything in the grand scheme of things.

You know what I'm saying? Is she your person? Is she not your person? I don't know. So many, there's so many very, you know, right? You could just be two people. Maybe the reason why you both had fun is that for different reasons,

you were both anxious and excited about having a connection at all, right? Here you are, fresh off of the divorce, anxious for and desire to connection. We understand that, right? Maybe she has done something going on in her life for different reasons. She had the same desire to have this connection.

And in this date, the environment was set up for two people to connect in a way that they were just both excited about. Does that mean you guys are in love? Does that mean you guys are each other's person? Does it mean you're compatible? We don't even know. Unclear is the point, right?

And so it's very easy for someone in your shoes to be like, oh man, we just had, sorry, we had two good dates, man. I'm just, you're just, you get fixated on the fact that you had two great dates and you start glorifying your head about like, they're just two nice dates, right? And I'm not trying to discourage you from this,

but it's just more like, you gotta be, when you have a nice date, it's fun to get excited, but it's also like you just gotta have to pump the brakes. You need to pump the brakes. And if I were to give you a small note, and I don't think this really changed the outcome, but when she messaged you all these, like this long message, right?

And that was like how she is feeling about the speeding your relationship. And the only thing you responded back was, I'm down for all of this? Well, no, no, no. It was in so many words. I was basically going through it and saying, I definitely wanna slow things down.

This is not normal. I recognize this. We need to slow things down. Okay, so you did empathize with her. In a healthy way. Yeah, I did. Oh yeah. I sent her a couple paragraphs,

basically saying, I am down for that, let's regroup after the weekend. Because I was gonna say, it's like you saying I'm down for that just kind of sounds like you just wanna be agreeable just so that you can hang out with her. Oh, no, no, no. Okay, all right, all right.

Yeah, because you wanna do some kind of like, yeah, you're right, thank you for pointing that out. I think we are moving too fast. Thanks for, you know, thanks for calling us out on that. Yada, yada, yada. I think we're down. Listen, the fact that she wrote that message, you agreed to it,

and then you'd never really kind of heard from her after that tells me that more likely than not that she was kind of mentally checking herself out from this relationship. And, you know, is it you? I don't know. It probably is more her than you that she was kind of mentally checking herself out from this relationship. And you know, is it you? I don't know. It probably is more her than you. I don't know.

Even if it was like I decided I didn't like him, she doesn't really know. She doesn't even know how she feels about you, right? Maybe she just psyched herself out, you know? Who knows? I don't think you should reach out because all your reasons for reaching out are mostly based off of two exciting dates and then making a lot of assumptions

about how you thought you felt about her. Right. And she is entitled to feel how she feels. She is entitled to not wanna go on a third date. She knows how you felt and even if she was testing you and you failed her test, you don't wanna deal with, you know, the fact that she didn't handle herself the right way, you know what I'm saying? She did leave you hanging.

Doesn't make her a bad person, but maybe not your person. Yeah, maybe we're dealing with someone who's not emotionally mature enough for... Whatever. Sure, yeah. I would spend less of your time worrying about her emotional maturity, you know, because I think it's very easy to be like, oh, well, you know what? She is not mature enough. I mean, listen very easy to be like, Oh, well, you know what? She, she is not mature enough. I mean, listen, if that helps you move on great, you know, I tell a lot of callers to like focus on the things you don't like about someone who doesn't like you, rather

than obsess about what you're not getting. There's a limit to that. I don't want you, you know, getting a habit of being like, Oh, you don't like me? Oh, there's something wrong with you. It's just more accepting that they're not your person. Right. Well, that's, that's just me kind of like speculating and like endlessly going over, you know, that like week, that week is like, you know, in my mind, just going over it over and over again, ruminating like you say.

Yeah, yeah. That you do, that I do as well. Yeah, I mean, to me, it's like, you know, I'm going off of her texts where she said, I mean, to me, it's like, you know, I'm going off of her text where she said, you know, this is what I want. And then, you know, half a week of complete silence. And then I get that it's like, not that she owes me a reason, obviously, I'm not saying that but it's just like, it's like such a, like a question in my mind, you know what

I mean? Like, I just want to like, maybe, like, throw it out there, like, hey, like, you know, some time? Like I just wanna like maybe like throw it out there like hey, like you know, some time has passed, like do you wanna go out again? Like I don't know if I should do that or how I should word it or what and it sounds like you're just telling me like, it's just not worth it to throw myself out there again.

Yeah, because you're, you know, what's changed, right? And the only thing that's changed is you've ruminated. When we ruminate, us ruminators are very good at like reconstructing things and then building them back up to fit our narrative. Because to me, what's changed? You know, I haven't heard from her. Nothing's really changed. You can't assume she feels differently about you. If you reach out again, you're risking coming across as a guy who's not willing to like listen to a woman who's set a clear boundary and doesn't wanna see you again. Right, right.

Yeah, that's true. And I would hate that for you. My guess is you probably have some regrets in how you worded things or yada yada, you almost want a second chance for her to have a last impression of you. Well, that's the thing, Nick. I'm going over all my actions, all my words,

all my texts that week, and I really, I mean, obviously I'm biased, but I really can't see anything wrong that I didn't. That's fine, that's fine. Especially if you're running it by your sister and you're getting a woman's point of view. And that's the thing, it's only been a couple dates. You know what I'm saying?

You probably didn't do anything wrong. This is not about, you met this person, this is just one girl, and you had a couple dates, you know what I'm saying? You probably didn't do anything wrong. This is not about like, you know, you met this person. She's just one girl, and you had a couple dates. But you know what I'm saying? She, for whatever reason, and there could be a million reasons why that are very justifiable, that have more to do with what's going on in her life than your two dates, and she opted not to continue, right?

And you're sitting here trying to figure out, did I do something wrong, could I have said something differently? You know, who knows? Probably not. I will say as a quick aside to this, one week later after she ended it, she viewed my profile and my sister's profile

on LinkedIn. Okay. So I don't know if that means anything at all. I'm just throwing it out there. That's like the last piece of communication. I love that you say that. I love your admission because if nothing else, I think for all the ladies listening,

I think again, I always try to remind ladies, because a lot of women listen to this, you are an example of a guy who was or is excited about a woman. And here you are reading into nothing, just like a lot of the ladies out there will read into things and I'm here to remind you men and women aren't that different when we like someone it's pretty obvious you

like her for whatever reason and now you're reading into this shit no it doesn't mean anything it means that she was bored one day and you know listen like she's not a machine just because she decided to not hang out with you again I'm sure she was conflict not hang out with you again. I'm sure she was conflicted. I'm sure she easily could be talking to her friends, being like, I don't know, he was a good guy. I don't know what the fuck I did,

but I self-sabotage a lot, blah, blah, blah, but that's her journey. And you're not here to heal her. You're not here to recommend. You're not here to like, well, just so you know, therapy's really worked for me. Maybe you should get into therapy so that you won't self-sabotage us.

You know what I'm saying? I don't know what her reasons are. Her reasons are, her reasons and they're valid and all her reasons say to me is she is not your person. And the why doesn't really matter, you know? And she was curious about you, you know? I don't know, she, but if she really wanted to reach out, she has your number, you know what I'm saying?

Right, she would have already done it already. She's not trying to get your attention, you know? But like, and I don't know, don't you, you go online. Is every person's profile you look at or stocked, does it mean you want to fuck them or marry them or date them? No, no, no. I get what you're saying. Yeah. So it was just odd. It was just odd. Like I noticed it. It wasn't only mine, it was my sister's and me and my sister don't have the same last name. So it, so maybe there was some diggity going on.

I'm sure she was second guessing her choice. I'm chef. She was definitely thinking about you. We know that much. Right. But other than that, right. Could be a million different reasons. And the point is if she wanted to actually get ahold of you, she knows how to do it.

But that's not an indication of interest in your mind. Like interest of getting back together. Again, you made it very clear that you weren't thrilled with her choice. Yeah, I mean, well, I mean, I just kind of said, let's talk about this, like not, you know, just like. So you wanted to talk, so she knows where you are. If she wants to talk, she knows where to find you.

Again, there's a million reasons why. And you're just, I get it, you're bummed, you're hurt. You're excited about someone. And it's like, I totally empathize where you're coming from. I think it's important for you to recognize that you're still very fresh off of a divorce. You haven't even healed from that, right? And here you are are worried about how vulnerable you might be

reaching out to this new girl who you've only had two dates with. I think the big picture is, you know, you're still healing from this divorce, right? And there's a lot of unknowns in your dating life. And yeah, it sounds like you're excited to get back out there. What this should be for you is just a exciting reminder that you are capable of liking someone else,

and you are capable of making connections with other women, right? That's exciting. And that should remind you that you'll meet other people. Yeah, I mean, I've never been doubting that. That is a good point on your part. I don't wanna be little the point or anything, but I think this has mainly taught me the difference between

excitement and Like real feelings or love and you've and you've talked about this many many times Yeah, you know excitement is really hard to like when when the other person is giving as much as I am Or is giving me back everything that I'm giving them in terms of the language that we're using, the actions. It's really hard to, for me at least, to resist that and to not immediately have feelings for them. I'm not saying like I totally resisted saying the word love because I know that would have changed things in that

moment. But it's really hard for me to deal with this excitement that's still in me. I still think about her. I still have these feelings. And then for that text to come and say, hey, I like you. I want to slow things down. I still want to date you, whatever. to, you know, slow things down. I still want to date, date you whatever. And then just nothing. And then ending it is like such a, it's a

very hard pill to swallow. And I know you understand it's just like, I don't know. It's just, it's, I need to get better at, you know, really just seeing dates as, approach it like you'll never see this person again type of thing. Like just take it as like a one-off thing and then just have it build, have it build. And I was putting too much of my feelings on two dates and I need to stop doing that. Yeah, I mean I guess it's less of treating it

like you'll never see them again. I think that adds almost unnecessary stakes. I think it's just an acknowledgement. Just to like lower the expectations, more like a reasonable expectations type of thing. Well, the reasonable expectation comes from reminding yourself that you don't know this person at all. And you're both incentivized to be your best self

on this date, right? So when you do meet someone on a date, or even if it's a fifth date, it's just like every time you go on a date with someone and you learn more, you can say, wow, this has been a really good date. This is, ah, man, I had a lot of fun today and I'd like to go on another date with you.

And then when you get back from that date, you remind yourself, hey, I'm excited that I'm excited, but let's just remind, I just need to remind myself that even though this could not have gone better, I feel like I learned a lot about her. There's a lot of things I'm super excited about, but I need to slow down, and I need to remind myself on day two,

I still have a lot more things to learn about this girl, and I need to take it slow. I need to slow myself down, right? And so then you come back a lot more things to learn about this girl and I need to take it slow and you know I just to slow myself down right and so then you come back a little more curious and again like part of That's gonna make you more attractive because like as soon as we start being really excited, especially early on We run the risk of you know, scaring the other person off not looking like and that's and that's what I think happened Maybe yeah I mean you definitely could have, maybe for all you know, a friend got in her head,

being like, this fucking guy just got out of a divorce, he's not ready for another relationship, he's just like, you're just a rebound to him, blah, blah, blah. And that's where my mind has gone as well. True. But the truth is, like, there might be some truth there, you know what I'm saying? Like, it doesn't even matter,

because who knows what happened? The point is, if a friend was able to convince her about how she felt about you, then she's not ready to be in a relationship with you. You know? The what happened, you know, I said this in my book, what happened is way more important than trying to figure out why it happened.

You know? And what happened was, you know, you had two dates and she flaked on you. And the why doesn't really matter, you know, because she could have handled it better. And how she handled this moment is very telling of how she'd handle herself in a relationship. You know, I'm a big believer, obviously, that conflict reveals more about ourselves than being in a good situation, right? You know? So we learned more about her through the conflict of her not sure of how she should handle being unsure about you.

Then we learned about how she was when you guys were vibing on these dates. Maybe she's just being agreeable. As men, we also have to recognize that, you know, sometimes women just agree with us on dates because, well, quite honestly, I don't know if I should, I should disagree with this strange man. You know, I'm being extreme here,

but like that is something women think about. That, you know, you're a big guy, right? So like, you know, when you're in a situation, you're like, I think this about you and maybe she's just saying me too, because fuck, you know, I don't wanna piss this guy off. I'm not saying you're in a situation, you're like, I think this about you, and maybe she's just saying, me too, because fuck, you know? I don't wanna piss this guy off. I'm not saying you're giving these vibes,

but I think as men, it's just important to recognize that women have different priorities, they have different concerns, they have different things going on in their lives, and more than anything, it's just a good thing to remind ourselves that two dates isn't much. And anytime we say to ourself, it feels like this, it feels like I've known you forever,

it also means that you don't know. And you have to slow yourself down, rather than, you don't need to slow her down, like that's her job. And the more you slow yourself down, then you can say, like, yeah, I'm really excited about you, but like, we'll see. And boy, if you tell a girl, we'll see,

she's gonna, that's gonna trigger her ego and that's gonna make you more desirable. So there's benefits to you slowing yourself down and taking the we'll see approach anytime you get excited about someone, because it'll make them, especially early on, still feeling like they have to get to know you and get to see if you like them.

As soon as you let a girl know you like her, the game's up, so to speak, and vice versa. And as humans, we just love a challenge, we love all these things. But I think right now, big takeaway is, I think it's great that you're in therapy. I think it's great that you're trying to heal from your divorce. I think it's great that you're getting back out there, but I think as far as getting back out there, I think you should slow down. I think you being triggered by this person after a couple good dates, I think maybe as a reminder that maybe you're not quite ready to get back out there. Now, I'm not saying you should stop dating, but the fact that this girl that you went on two dates

with kind of fucked you up a little bit emotionally, I think tells me that you still have some healing to do. Because I think you're able to get caught up in the moment a little too quickly, and it's distracting your healing. Okay, as an aside to that, in your experience talking to all your guests, I wonder if the fact that I'm going through a divorce now and not that my divorce is final, I wonder if that plays into anything.

Like do women have this thought in their minds like oh, he could get back together with his wife. Like it's not final. How would you feel? I mean, if you met a woman who was going through a divorce. Right. So people- I'm kind of battling against that narrative

in a way in my head. Sure, but that's not for you to... Listen, just like if you were a single parent, you know... Do you have kids? No. Okay, so something you don't have to worry about. But if you did have kids, that would be something you would have to... It would be in the back of your mind.

It would be something you would have to address in dating. Some women wouldn't have more questions. Some women would have more questions, some women wouldn't care, I don't know. But it is, you know, you have baggage, you know? You're going through a divorce, we all have baggage, we bring in different baggage. The best way to have our baggage not be something that feels like baggage to someone else

is to show the emotional maturity that you have dealing with it. Right? You know, I don't know. Am I making sense? The best way to combat someone judging you from going through a divorce is to just handle yourself to be emotionally regulated. Right. And you know. You said that obviously. Yeah. That's something working on. And I think you have valid reasons to be frustrated that she goes to you and didn't reach back out. But either way, here's the thing. There are men out there that she's dating and they might be fuckboys. She is used to guys that she is liking,

blowing her off, ghosting her, not giving her the time of day. And we all respond to that, you know? And so here she is. You weren't giving guy who I like to chase. Now that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Right. You know? Right. But you have to put yourself in her shoes. So here she was expressing some hesitation

about the speed at which things are going. She waited a couple days, maybe she's testing you, I don't know. And then after a couple days, you were like, hey, what the fuck's going on? And maybe she read that a little aggressively, I don't know, right? But again, she's so used to men probably like,

disappearing for weeks, you know? And she's put up with that, and here you are, not even okay with a couple days, you know? And the reality is, again, I'm not trying to criticize what you did, but you only had two good dates. And if she wants to fall off a grid and go on a Bachelorette trip or hang out with her girlfriends for a week without hanging out with you,

she has every right to do that. You guys had no relationship, zero expectations. You weren't really in a position to demand anything from her. Not that you were demanding it, but you were kind of like, hey, I want, this isn't fair to me type of energy. Yeah, exactly. So, and coming from her position, she probably was like, hey, I want, you know, like this isn't fair to me type of energy, you know? Yeah, exactly. So, and coming from her position, she probably was like, you know what?

This is too much for me, too fast. Right? And it sounded very boyfriend and girl. It sounded like you had expectations. And quite honestly, after two dates, you shouldn't have much. I know, I know. You know, I'm not letting her off the hook.

She's, there's different ways, but she doesn't, she's, for me, she's out of the picture. This is about you handling yourself in these dating situations and coming across as a man who's in therapy, who's dealing with their divorce, like who is very quick to put themselves in the other person's shoes so they can empathize with that person so they kind of don't go off the rails or aren't reactive.

Because that's why we're reactive, right? Someone offends us, hurts our feelings, we're immediately triggered, our egos are kind of like, fuck you, you can't let this person treat you this way. Then you demand a response from this person, yada yada. As we get older, we get more mature, as we get therapy, it's just easier for us. I mean, nothing else, what they have shown,

doing this show and talking to a million people about what they're going through helps me empathize with people a lot more. It's very easy for me to be like, I don't know, well, if I were in their shoes, how would I handle it? I am programmed to do that now, right? It comes very naturally for me when I feel wrong or slighted to be like, well, what would I do? And you know, and you ask yourself,

well, what a... Right now you're going through a divorce and you're thinking, oh man, I can't try to figure out how are women gonna treat me coming off a divorce. And you're just like, well, it's pretty easy to figure out. What would you... What concern... Even as a divorced man, if you went on a date next week with your equal, like someone who like, like someone who separated from their partner the exact same day and was in the exact same process, you would have questions and concerns. And how she handled it and answered your questions

and just how she carried herself would do more for you in terms of alleviating whatever concerns you had more than anything that she could say. My big takeaway is I want you to just slow down. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Just try to slow down a little bit. I think if you called me up and was like, hey Nick, man, I've been dating this girl.

We've had five great dates. I'm really excited about her. I'm going through a divorce right now. My big takeaway would be slow the fuck down, man. I don't know what it's like to go through a divorce, but I do know they're hurtful and painful and messy, and you're going in a time in your life where I'm guessing 28-year-old you was not planning

in being such a transitional period in their life at 38. And that can fuck you up a little bit, and that can get in your head. You're still really young. You have a lot going for you, you are among friends, but now is the time to really just, you know, be okay with being alone, be okay with healing, be okay with like investing in yourself. Really try to be your best self,

not so that you can go on dates and talk about how great you are, but just to really, you know, find those flaws, those areas of opportunity. If you really think you're an anxious attachment person, explore that with your therapist. Make sure they know what they're talking about, but try to get those tools so that you, again,

something out of, if I were you and I talked to my therapist is like, listen man, man, this situation happened to this girl, I'm not here to talk about whether I should date her, but I was just so anxious for those two days not hearing from her, and I'd love to figure out how I can let that shit go, set it aside. Because that should have been the answer.

The truth is, if you would have called me up right after this girl reached out, I would have been like, forget that she exists for now. Let her reach out whenever she's ready to reach out. Let her make the next move, because right now, she's unsure about how she feels, and you need to pull back in a way that makes her fearful about losing what she had in

those two nice dates. No and and what you said now kind of confirms what I'm already doing because after this whole thing happened I was really disappointed as as you can tell. What I did was I resolved to kind of just like take this time to work on myself which I have been doing after the breakup. So like all my free time and energy is going to work, gym and therapy. The other one is research, things like listening to your podcast, reading your book, reading other dating advice stuff, things like that. I'm really proud of what I've done. I've lost 41 pounds in about four months

and I'm keeping on going with that and that's like a mental health thing as well. I just don't have the patience now to start conversations, get on the apps. I deleted all the apps off my phone. It's just this one girl is, I think about her almost like every other day and it's such an unresolved thing in me. I wanna see if anything is actually still there, if she's gonna entertain. It's all in your head, man. You know what I'm saying?

She has triggered something in you. She has scratched some sort of unhealed wound. I don't know what it is. I don't know, explore that with your therapist. But it is not because she is your person. It is not because, again, she's just, I don't know, probably if nothing else, it was just, it was a feeling that you desire to have

and you wanna replicate. And you, you know, it's like you missed that feeling. Yeah, you gotta fix. You gotta fix it with something you really enjoyed. And so now you, you know, it's like you missed that. Yeah, you gotta fix, you gotta fix something you really enjoyed. And so now you just need to let it go and acknowledge that, you know, that's for you in the future. But right now, it's like a sugar fix, man.

You know, I always like to use a food analogy, but like right now. Yeah, exactly, right? And so maybe now it's a reminder that you got that sugar fix and you're susceptible of binging again, where in the future if you're real healed, you could get a fix and then process that fix

and ask yourself, how can I incorporate this feeling slowly into my life without it taking over my life? Because what you're describing is a feeling and not being able to understand that feeling and just wanting to replicate that feeling over and over and over again because it feels good and that kind of sounds like an addict. Okay, yeah, I never thought of it in that way,

but that's, yeah, because I am kind of chasing that feeling, like you said, and it's, it's not love, it's excitement, and that's what I'm drunk on right now. I want that excitement. I imagine going through a divorce, there's probably a period in the you and your ex-wife are at each other's throats,

you're probably just fucking surviving your marriage and just making each other more miserable, I don't know. So yeah, it's understandable why you're craving that fix and that feeling, but again, this is where the healing and the emotional maturity comes in and things like that. And I would keep investing in yourself, man. Like keep going, don't stop.

Congratulations on everything you've made so far, but keep going until it becomes who you are and not something you're working towards. It's like, you know, I want it to become old hat for you. You know, I want it to become part of, I want it to be incorporated in your life. You know, I don't want it to become like a diet. I want it to become a new habit you have a lifestyle. Right. And I think right now you're in this transitional period. You're very motivated by getting through this divorce, but what happens when the motivation ends? What happens when you settle into your new normal?

And when we settle into our new normal, we get comfortable, we resort back to our comfort ways. And our comfort ways usually, sometimes, if we don't have any guardrails, we'll snowball into not being our best self. Right, right. Okay, well that's very helpful. It's a different way of thinking about it.

Thank you, Nick. Anytime, man. Yeah, it's always nice to talk to the men dealing with some of the very similar struggles as the ladies out there. Can I offer you an unsolicited grooming tip? Sure. As a fellow bearded man, this is my first beard.

Good, I love it. I love the beard. Give me all you got. Trim the beard. Trim the beard. Trim it? It looks a little unkept a little bit. Yeah.

Okay, all right. I straighten it in the mornings and I don't know, maybe by the afternoon it gets a little frizzy. It's giving a little like letting yourself go. I trim the sides, trim the sides. No, you need to do, go to like a barber shop. Yeah.

And ask them to like clean up your beard and let them do their thing. That's what you should do. Right now, it's my first beard, so I'm trying to go for length. You know what I mean? Just to see what it looks like longer, but I don't know. That's something like, I get it because it's your first beard. It's a very boyish thing to do. I totally get what you're saying.

And listen, at the end of the day, this is just a grooming tip for the future. When you're ready to get back out there as far, like if you, if you want to just fuck around, cause you're having fun growing a beard, then I'll just shut the fuck up in the future, when you're done having fun experimenting with this new beard, go and treat yourself to a nice barber. Ask him to trim up your beard in a way that looks like both rugged and well-kept and have them do that. Yeah, just to check that. I have a really good barber, so I'll maybe

explore that the next time. Yeah, great, that's all I got for you. Thanks for calling. Would love, keep us posting how things are going for you and your healing journey and your dating life. Would love an keep us posted on how things are going for you and your healing journey and your dating life. Would love an update down the road as things go. But yeah, I would take a little break from dating. When this girl pops into your head,

you just gotta let it go. You gotta remind yourself, it's not really her or you. It's what she represented. She made you feel a certain way. And yeah, you're just replay made you feel a certain way and yeah, just you're just replaying these dates in your head over and over and over again. What happened way more important than what was said or how, you know, why it happened and things like that, you know. The actions in early dating situations are far more

trustworthy than what was said. You know. Very good, thank you very much. All right, take care, buddy. All right, bye bye. Bye bye. There's a lot of decisions you have to make when you have a baby.

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slash vi all that's wild grain comm slash vi all or use our promo code vi all at checkout how's it going I am good I'm Jessica I'm 28 and I'm wondering if my ex together or he just wants me during his football offseason. Okay, I'm assuming you've heard from your ex and that's why you're reaching out? Yeah, so I actually just started hearing from him maybe two weeks ago and we haven't spoken before that for six months and he hasn't asked me to talk since then but this was the first time I reached back out to him was two weeks ago. When did you break?

So you broke up six months ago? Yes. Why did you break up? So it was honestly a long time coming. And there were a lot of things that were kind of playing into it, but I will say the biggest factor was two years ago, my uncle who was basically like my father figure, very like

randomly suddenly passed away. And my boyfriend at the time was away playing football, probably five different times, four different times. Each time it was half a year long. But this time he was actually here when it happened, which I was very thankful for. I was always worried something could happen when I was alone, but the funeral was set to happen when he had a tryout to go to. And it was just like a weekend. He was flying out to different state to try out for another league.

And it was a big opportunity. He didn't want to miss out, but I told him like, you know, there are other tryouts and this was a really like once in a lifetime Thank you to be here for me and it was to say like the hardest thing I've ever been through like losing him Losing my uncle so I really needed him there. I expressed that over and over again And it you know feels really bad to even say I was begging for someone to come for My uncle's funeral and we even been together for probably five years at that point, which is even worse.

But yeah, so he, at the end of the day, chose to go to the full opportunity, couldn't miss out on that. I also thought that if he didn't go, he would hold it against me that he didn't get the opportunity. But I didn't realize until I went that it was going to impact our relationship as much as it did. And I feel like it took two years because I lost another person in my family. And I kind of feel like I didn't want to lose that relationship also on top of that. And I had hoped that maybe he could make up for it in some way, but it just declined in all sorts of ways since then. What do you mean declined?

Well, so he plays football, professional football, it's an indoor league. And so he doesn't get paid very well. It really is a big passion. He had dreams of going to the NFL, that didn't really happen. And now he just wants to play football. So he had always-

Go ahead, I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, well, he always had dreams of playing there, but it was more because he wants to play. Like the pay was not that great and he would come back, kind of scramble for work on his off season. And then basically wouldn't be able to go out

on many dates at all or really do anything together or travel, which was kind of rough. So I kind of played a part in it because I feel like he never, we never went out. We never did anything. And then it just was a matter of him kind of like maybe feeling bad for not showing up for me and kind of like giving up in a way. I feel like he really felt very guilty for missing out on that.

He didn't get that opportunity that he tried out for either. So it kind of felt maybe a little bit worse for him. And he really did stop showing up for me. Now, when you said that, you smiled. Well, I kind of also feel like I kind of like started accepting, like I gave up too, definitely. I definitely, there I kind of like started accepting like I gave up to definitely I definitely There was a very like last night. I'm saying when you said he didn't get He didn't like the opportunity that he missed your uncle's

Funeral for yeah, you you smiled which tells me you really enjoy being right. Yeah, listen, we all do I think this is something to you know, when I'm listening to you talk, it's just something I pick up on. We all like being right. Well, let's finish your story. Because you first called in basically saying, you know, my football playing boyfriend is in his off season.

Does he just want to get back together because it's his off season? And then now you're giving me context about your relationship. And obviously we're getting into some, you know, very deep kind of rooted issues and what is a very long, you have, you two have a long history. Yeah.

Like when did you guys meet? How long? Like you're, how you're 27? Um, yeah, I'm about to be 28. Um, and we met in college. I was on the track team and he was on the football team. So we knew each other and our friends. And what'd you, uh, what'd you run?

I was 800 meters, 400 meters, and then I did cross country. I was a mid distance. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. That was the hardest one of them all, for sure. Mid distance. 100%.

All right, but I guess my point is is that this isn't like, you know, I was kind of half expecting you to be like, yeah, am I dating this fuck boy football player and we've been dating for like six months and then he went and played and now he's back and should I give him some time? And that's not what this is.

This is, I've been dating this guy since college, we have a long history, we probably, I'm guessing you guys have talked about like, you know, spending the rest of your life with each other, you've played house, I'm sure at times. You've probably done it all, right? And then, you know, you have a long history of these, all these scenarios and these stories that I'm sure you could share more stories

that he let you down. I bet he has stories of things you did to frustrate him and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I guess now that I have some context about your relationship, what are you really hoping to get out of this call? Are you considering getting back together with this guy? Are you sure that he wants to get back together with you?

Are you not even sure if you know that for sure? Where are you at in terms of this relationship? So that is where it's difficult, because I feel like he lives the life of, it's inevitable to kind of live the life of a football player. They would have to go out to eat and shop at bars and be there, and he's far away you know in a different

state. It's always going to be difficult but I can genuinely say I've never had like a thought of him cheating or disrespecting me or playing me. It really was a matter of him just kind of choosing to place a fault over like being able to show up for me and then him kind of I just kind of realizing like like you know he graduated in Philadelphia area. And then he wanted to move to like a whole different state. So like, it was a 10 hour drive, moving here away from family and I've been here ever since. So we relied on each

other a lot. And when he did move here, he actually it was graduated when COVID happened. So he gave up football at that point, because wasn't happening and he got a sales job here. So I didn't actually really expect to be tied into this kind of football life, I guess. When I moved here away from family and friends. So that kind of made a little more difficult. How did he do in sales? So he did okay in sales.

He didn't really have, I kind of feel like I... Like he always had the plan to still do football. And he kind of came to me one day and was like, yeah, I got an agent and I have an opportunity to play in... It was like Bismarck. It was super far away. And that was when I was kind of like very like, whoa, you have an agent, which I kind of didn't even realize he still had an agent to try to do football.

So I did kind of feel like he always knew he was gonna do it. It was just a matter of now I'm away from my family and friends when you're leaving for three months to six months. And I don't know if I would have made this move out here if I knew that that would have been what could have happened. I might've actually rather stayed home and closer to friends.

So that's sort of where it started to feel like, you know, football is his main thing in life. And I might be just kind of like a side note. And I feel like since then, it kind of showed me that every time he left, he's been very present when he was here. And then he would leave and be very involved with his football team. And when he would come back here again, he just was kind of like trying to make money to support himself and practicing,

waking up practicing, going to work and practicing after work. And we really didn't really do anything together because he was always so busy with that. And it was more so a matter of, he's about to be 28 also. Okay. So this to me is about, is your ex boyfriend,

is he willing to grow up or not, right? Kind of where I am stuck right now because I feel like he has been, you know, he was away and it was actually Oklahoma, it was super far when he left playing. And we were still together at the time, but I feel like I just kind of started to back off the relationship and not really care as much. I stopped showing up to his games and supporting him because I

realized that he wasn't able to support me and show up for me. And we both just really kind of gave up, I guess. And I was the one who ended up pulling the trigger and just kind of like saying, I think we need to break up because I don't think anything's changing. And then he blocked me on everything. And that was, I was me on everything and that was I was trying to figure out a lease. I was trying to figure out like I had to make a move on my own without even knowing like where I was.

I forget like you know all these little things like at the Wi-Fi, I get the insurance without him giving me his sign-ins and make a whole thing. So it just made a lot of things very difficult and I was honestly shocked that he just flat out blocked me. In the long term, it really helped me because I instantly, I had actually a race the next day and I had to barely even know if I was gonna do the race, didn't know if I wanted to do it.

And I went and did it and I was proud of myself. And then was like, you know what? I can use this time to concentrate on myself and build and work. And maybe not even two months later, I can use this time to concentrate on myself and build and work and maybe like, not even two months later, he starts talking to me again, like texting me and he would, we have a dog together and he would send me pictures of our dog

and that would be it, no context or anything. And I wouldn't answer if I'm just kinda like whatever, kept sending me, asked how she was, asking how she was. And then I would just kind of be like, she's good once in a while. And he would and then randomly he said he was in like my area like in South Carolina area and he wanted to meet up again and I'm wondering like why do you even move back here like we're even staying with because he had no ties here except for me like he never liked it here so that

kind of made me annoyed because I tried to build a life here in the meantime. And he came back here in his off season, which I feel like it also would have been a little bit easier to ignore him if he wasn't here. But he kept asking to see me and my dog. So why are you annoyed? Well, I'm annoyed that he's back here because he did complain a lot

about how there's no opportunity here, how he doesn't have any, one to practice with the fall. He's clearly back here for you, no? I don't really know that, because also he has two friends who live here and he's living with one of his friends. Sure, okay, well maybe it's a little bit of both.

I don't know. I'm getting the sense from you that you definitely play games, for sure. We all do. Just giving you an example. I don't even know if you hear yourself. You were like, oh, he blocked me. Really pissed me off, you said.

And I was gonna jump in, but I waited for you to kind of finish. And then you were like, it ended up being a good thing. But what's funny about that is I'm willing to bet that despite it being a good thing, But what's funny about that is I'm willing to bet that despite it being a good thing, you're still choosing to be pissed off that he blocked you because you feel wronged by him. You're like, how dare you block me?

But I can sit here not being emotionally invested in your relationship with him. And when you say he blocked me, I'm thinking, you probably hurt his feelings because you wanted to break up with him. He blocked you to get a reaction. He didn't even probably know what he wanted in this moment. He was hurt.

And you know me, if you've listened to this show, I tell people to block people all the time if it helps them move on from a relationship, a relationship that you decided to end. So he blocks you. You then act like the victim, as if like, how dare he do this to me? And then you did what you needed to do,

which is like you adulted, you grew up fast, you were able to, it's like you're able to give yourself credit for doing the adult thing and figuring your shit out and the benefits that came from it, but you're still willing to hold on to the grudge that you have for him blocking you in the first place. Does that make sense? Yeah, and that's totally true because I kind of like,

feel like we were at a point where it was like, who's gonna break up with who? And I felt like I had to do it and kind of be the bad guy, and I needed something for him to give me to show that he was also the bad guy, kind of. Yeah, that's the thing. It's just like, this is a classic case, you know, you've heard me say it, I'm sure.

Do you wanna be right, or do you wanna be happy, needs to be your new life motto, because I think you love being right so much. And I think you are often willing to be right over being happy. And I think a lot what I'm hearing about your and your boyfriend's relationship is about being right, and you guys both forego happiness.

Here is a man who potentially moved to a city for you and you're deciding to be pissed off about it because you've decided you own this city. You know what I'm saying? And I have plenty of things that I can nitpick about your boyfriend here. To me, I'm hearing if we wanna shit on your boyfriend because I'm shitting on you right now. But like, listen, your boyfriend needs to grow up a little bit,

right? Like, clearly this is a man who, you know, he's 28 years old. And I know enough about football to know it's a young man's league and 28 is like, you might as well be 70. I'm slightly exaggerating, but this is a man who's jumped around from like, minor league to minor league. He's, he's, he's playing these random fucking, you know, teams in South Dakota or whatever. Like if he was gonna make it to the big leagues, the NFL, he would have made it already. No NFL team is gonna give a 28-year-old journeyman a shot.

Whatever shot he had, it's passed. That is the fucking reality of the situation. That, you know, and so I don't know, maybe he wants to be a coach. I don't know, there's maybe, there's careers in football, but like, you have, if you're serious about this relationship with him, it would be fair to you to sit down with your boyfriend and say,

hey listen man, like we've known each other for a while. I really like, admire you for chasing your dreams, but at what point I need to know that like, if we get back together, like, we're done playing games, the only know that if we get back together, we're done playing games, the only reason we should even get back together is if we're serious about a committed relationship. We've been in each other's lives for years.

We're family at this point, if we choose to get back together. So it would be just, but are you ready to grow up? Are you ready to actually get a job? And if your job is somewhere in football, but you need a goal, and right now your only goal is to keep playing football, and that's not a goal, and it's certainly not a career,

and it's not something we can raise a family on. And I need a partner, and we sometimes need to ask ourselves tough questions, and we need to both challenge ourselves to be tough on each other. Knowing that you have a track background, and it sounds like you're still competing outside of college, you're still active. So you're a highly competitive person,

he's a highly competitive person. You two, I guarantee, because I've said this to Natalie, she's the first girlfriend I ever had where I didn't feel like I had to compete with her. I told this to my therapist the other day and she was like, yeah, that happens all the time. When I say compete, I don't mean like you guys are like sitting down and playing Monopoly and fighting,

which I'm sure that might happen too. My therapist is like, yeah, my ex-husband used to compete over who had the worst day You know what I'm saying? It's like I'm having a really bad day today and then you know one uppers like well I had an even worse day, you know, and like, you know, I guarantee you to do that shit all the fucking time I bet you guys compete over the dumbest fucking shit of who's had it worse or who's had a better blah blah blah blah You too need to learn how to be team players. And you should be able to figure out because you competed on teams your whole life. But like right now, if you guys wanna get back together,

it's about being a team. And you two need to both acknowledge where you felt short of each other of being a good teammate to the other person. You two are so fixated on being right, on winning. That is probably, I'm guessing the crux of the problems that you guys have had, right? As far as your uncle's funeral, I can see both sides, right?

Like obviously, a father figure who passed away tragically, you want your partner to support you. This is a man who like thinks he's chasing a dream, and while maybe disillusioned as that dream might be, like yeah, it's just like if this was in fact a real opportunity that could change his life in ways that he might, you know, never get another chance. It's, you know, I met my wife by missing my grandmother's funeral. That's a true story. At the time, I thought I was just being a

shitty grandson. Turns out, I have a daughter. You know what I'm saying? I'm a big believer. There are moments in your life that can drastically change your life forever. I can name five off the top of my head that if I don't show up that day for this random fucking thing that I have had no idea would change the course of my life because of people I met, I wouldn't be sitting here today with you.

All I'm saying is that your boyfriend who's chasing a dream and he has opportunity, it's not that easy to say, hey, you need to be here because someone passed away and it's meaningful to me. If they believe deep down, this could change their life forever, you know? The point is, is you guys, yeah, as a couple,

neither of you were interested in sitting down and saying, well, can I hear why this is important to you? You guys are so quick to tell your version of the story. You want to be heard and he wants to be heard and neither of you are willing to listen. That's the read I get after talking to you. Is anything I'm saying sound accurate? Yeah, I mean, that's definitely accurate.

And especially because like I, well, this one had been in therapy for like a year now, which has really helped. So I've been really like, kind of like very, it brought to light a lot of the issues that I brought to the table too, because I know that like, I was waiting for him to do something to mess up the relationship, but

I was really over it after the fact that he didn't show up for my, it wasn't even the fact that he didn't show up for my uncle's funeral. That really was awful. But then he did leave again for football and then my grandma passed away. And then that kind of just made me realize like, this is a bit much, Like you couldn't have shown when he was here and he didn't show up when he wasn't there. And then he actually like had his mom and his sister come visit me during like the week of that happening.

And that was honestly like awful for me. Cause I just wanted to be with like either alone or by my close friends or family. And then, or even for him to come home the next weekend or the weekend after that, if he was free, like if he couldn't even come to the funeral, but that just never ended up happening. And it just kind of like built up more resentment towards him. And instead of leaving him, I like that resentment just kind of built. And there was basically like a boiling point to this where it was kind of like he came home the season afterward and we

like went out it was like this like really nice night like downtown we went out too and I got too drunk and didn't even remember like totally bitching him out that night and like pausing a scene he even recorded me he showed me at the next day which was like not great at all and I saw that and I immediately signed up for therapy I was like I don't even know that person and like who has all that inside of them is so mad but like it's been there and I just haven't dealt with it and I knew I was taking out on him. I didn't want to do that anymore and he even said like it would be great if you would do therapy and I agreed and that was the point where I did and he took even like three days apart. He stayed with his friends and I was just like apologizing, like sign up for therapy, try to do everything I could.

But then it just felt like it wasn't enough time because he left again for football and maybe like two and a half months. And I just felt like I was like, I just feel like too much has even like happened at this point. I don't think he could ever forgive me for that. Like he just never really looked at me the same after that. And it just kind of felt like I was so mad at him for so many things and he had something and he like, you know, and for me, I don't know because I was so hard on him for a lot

of things that made me upset. So I feel like that was his opportunity to be like that towards me. And it was just difficult. I was like, I don't really think we're ever gonna get out of that situation. And I concentrated a lot on like, I leaned a lot on therapy and therapy kind of like just woke me up to not really it being either our problems, just it being really like not a good relationship right now for everything that happened. And it was a lot of kind of fighting, it was a lot of like random things like him, me looking through his followings, him following a cheerleader, which I never wanna even have to do for someone

and seeing that and feeling suspicious and everything just kind of like, just built and built this, I think I always wanted to maybe break up with him. I just kinda needed some things to do that and I was looking for it and I found it and broke up with him when I probably confused him because I should have done it

when it actually hurt my feelings. Like when we did stuff. Sure, well listen, you guys met in college. You guys met at a very young age. You met with limited experience when it comes to being in relationships and handling your emotions, you know? So like, you don't need to be that hard on yourself.

I think you can both acknowledge you've made mistakes in your relationship life, especially in your early 20s. None of that really matters. You know what I'm saying? That's all. And if you've made mistakes in your relationship life, especially in early 20s None of that really matters. You know what I'm saying? That's all and and if you guys were to entertain getting back together you both need to understand You need to let that shit go you need to let the past go You don't use the fact like you guys have such a past that you're gonna weaponize it against each other Which is a lot of what a lot of people do when they get back together after a breakup, you know

It's as if you have all this ammunition on each other. You're gonna both have to acknowledge to let that go. It doesn't matter what was said, what happened three years ago. You're both maturing and hopefully different people. You can still learn from it, but you both have to let it go, right? So the big question is, is like, do you love this man?

And do you want to entertain a future with him? And that's where I'm at right now, because I really, when I was done, I felt like I'm done, like there was just too much stuff. I just felt like when you walk through again. You're talking about the past. I want to know. I don't care.

I don't. Okay. Let me ask this again. I do not care about the past. And let's assume that clearly you both and him have shit to work on. I'm not asking about practicality, I'm not asking how we're gonna execute this or how to do that, I'm just asking what your heart feels.

And if I was a genie capable of making your wish come true, would you wanna be in a healthy relationship with this man or do you wanna move on and explore a future with someone else? I would definitely want to be in a healthy relationship with him. And that was, I feel like it wasn't maybe always my goal. Like I did want to just take time after the breakup

and think that we weren't ever getting back together because I really didn't think that. And I've been on a few dates since then and haven't had bad dates. I've had some okay dates, but have still kind of like thought that he just provided something different. He was just such a different like vibe with him and wanting to do everything with him and experience life with him. It was kind of like a different thing. But so the most recent things that we did again, like talk

on the phone two weeks ago after we haven't seen each other for six months. And in my mind, I'm thinking the longer the better, it's more time for us to kind of heal and move on because it would have been so easy for me to just like answer his first text month in after we broke up and then get right back into all of our issues. But I knew that like, I saw me a time he's going to time I I wasn't ready and so I still like was working in therapy and going through everything and so like missing him and working through all those emotions and then when I felt ready to talk to him, he wanted to meet up but I said like let's do a phone call. I thought that'd be like too much pressure

and I want to just kind of get a vibe of where he was at and the phone call like went super well and he even talked about how he looked into doing therapy. And I was really impressed by that. He mentioned couple therapy, but I said I wasn't comfortable with that. We're not a couple at the moment. I'd rather do my and him do his at the moment.

But I was appreciative that he even had that thought. And he did, something that kind of bothered me a little bit was that he did kind of mention, he was just like, something that kind of like bothered me a little bit was that he did kind of mention, he was just like, I just don't know like if I can move on from everything that you said that night, like what you said that night, it just kind of made me realize

that you don't think anything of me. And I just kind of was like, okay, like we took like six months to kind of work on this and you're still gonna hold me to that. What exactly did you say? Were you like, you're a fucking loser and you're playing loser football and to that. What exactly did you say? Were you like, you're a fucking loser and you're playing loser football and I mean, did you go there?

I said that he was broke. I said he never takes me on our dates. I said I was embarrassed to be with him at times. I'm embarrassed that he didn't show up for me for the funeral. He embarrassed my family. I was like, yeah. I mean, it was bad.

I mean, not great, but it could have been worse. Well, here's the thing. That's the thing. If you guys were to get back together, I'm glad that he even brought up couples therapy. I think that's great. If you guys were to get back together, you should go immediately into couples therapy.

That's just my opinion. Because I'm thinking, why waste each other's time? You guys have so much history. Let's not pretend this is like two people meeting for the first time ever. And if you guys do get back together, I wanna entertain this. You already have this incredible head start because you have this history.

And like I said before, you're at the risk of this history like causing way too much unnecessary resentment and tension and you guys fighting about all the wrong things. It would really benefit you guys having some sort of intermediary to help you guide you through working through the shit that you need to work through and let go of the shit that is just baggage, right, of which you guys both just have a lot.

That being said, listen, he also has to face some tough questions himself. And yet, you know, you would have to say, listen, like, we both have done some shit that clearly we have both hurt each other We have both made each other cry. We've we've we've really done some bad things to each other I think we also agree that there's still a lot of love between us So if we get back together, we just have to both agree to let that shit go and again I you know jump into couples theory be to help us work on that and do that But like he can't dangle that carrot and be like, well, I don't know if I could ever,

that's such a like a, I think we use it, it's a manipulation tactic, I honestly think. I don't think we're doing it on purpose. It would be the same thing if you bring it, well, I don't know, you didn't show up to my uncle's funeral. I bet you would bring that up a million fucking times if you got back together when it was convenient. Anytime he did some, oh, you did it again.

Listen, he, for example, he's gonna have to recognize that when it comes to his football playing, he has been incredibly selfish. That has been his dream that he's been following. And it's a dream that he's been following with any light at the end of the tunnel. There's been no reward, hang on to me, babe, I got you, it'll all pay off at the end.

He must, at this point point recognize that he is just playing just because he enjoys playing. And you know what, that's definitely a choice. I can't sit there and argue it, you know. Listen, I don't have like, my 20s, fuck, you know. All my 20s were at this point in my life were just lessons. They were, that's all they are. There's a lot of people that were in my life,

like girlfriends that were very pivotal in my life. I have no fucking clue where they are in their life now. I really don't know, you know? I've made friends, I lost friends, whatever, but all they are, it's lessons at this point, you know? And so, it's hard for me to sit there and criticize your ex-boyfriend for like, honestly, if he gets to be my age, right?

Let's say he finally figures out you know he's like I'm done playing football and at 30 he could easily get back into sales well fucking sales companies love ex-athletes you could walk probably walk in is he a decent looking guy? No. I'm guessing he's over six foot? Yeah. So you know what he's a shoe-in for a med sales job. He has to have like a half a brain. He could be one of those guys, and in 10 years, he could be some regional director

for some med device company making six figures, and then he's just like, yeah, and I spent all my 20s playing the game that I loved. I have great memories, I have all these friends, and yeah, I was sleeping on a couch, and me and my now wife like we fought All the fucking time. He won't have a single fucking regret of playing the game He loved so it's it, you know, and I'm saying what matters is what is he going to do?

With his life when he finally realizes a man. All right enough is enough, right? And I don't know if now is that time? I don't know if you're gonna be the reason. And you have the right to say, listen, I don't wanna sit there and I said a lot of hurtful things that I regret. At the same time, I do want to think about my future. And if whatever relationship I get into, I want a partner. I think we could have been better teammates in a relationship.

I think sometimes as teammates, we need to be more supportive and be each other's cheerleaders. But also, we do have to challenge each other to make tough choices in our life. And listen, if you want to be in my life, I need you to make less selfish decisions about your own personal life. You got to play football throughout your 20s. I could have been a more supportive person. But at the same time, I didn't know any better. When you're 24 years old, you think, I should get married now, I should get engaged,

where are we at? Now you guys have the benefit of hindsight realizing, I don't know, maybe I didn't want to get engaged either, I just thought I should. And so now you guys have to figure this out, right? And so it's just about both of you acknowledging that you both brought tension into the relationship that you both brought tension into the relationship, you both brought drama into the relationship,

you both were self-centered and selfish. You may have had the best intentions. When you were criticizing each other, you both thought you were convincing each other, you're convincing yourself you're both helping the other person out. Instead, you're just like being demeaning and criticizing and things like that.

It's a balance. So, listen, again, that's what I mean. You gotta let the past go. And all that really matters is do you two love each other? And do you two want to make a future with each other? And are you both willing to do the work? It's that simple. It doesn't have to be that complicated.

And you need to let go of the funerals. He needs to let go of the videotape needs to let go of the video tape, you know, and call it even, Steven. Yeah, and it's also hard too, because it's like, he has been trying even harder that he's like, done football to talk to me again, when that's something that was hard, like during the breakup, like it was such a sharp contrast

of like, here by myself, like having to ask my parents to come help me move and didn't want to do all that and he already had his room paid for him, had his friends, had his whatever. But I feel like it almost maybe didn't even hit him until later where it did like hit me right away. So I am kind of worried, I guess, because we did, you know, talk on the phone and that was good. Talk to them one more time and it was good again.

So then I was like, okay, like, you want to come over? Like, we'll see, you know, and he actually met like my dog and I for a walk and then of course like we come back here and had like pizza and then sleep together because everything just felt so natural and normal and it was great and awesome until like the next day when he like left and like seeing him leave with his car because I'm like, I don't know what I'm gonna do again. It's not like a locked-in relationship like it was like it just kind of felt weird. And then he kind of, I guess like he kind of got maybe a little bit just like that weird

feeling as well. And then we hung out another time also had sex. And then the next morning I was really thrown off because I was kind of like, like he was leaving for work. And I was like, Oh, I guess like see you, you know, later, whatever I said, like, and he kind of got weird and was like, I don't really know. Like I'm still really confused about everything. And I'm still trying to play football. And even in New Mexico, if I have to like leave the next one, play football, like I will, like I just, I need to play football still. And I don't know what that leaves with us.

And I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty for getting you wrapped in this again And I just felt like did I just get like totally wrapped in this again because it's just a convenience of his offseason And I told him like I've done a lot of time to think about this and work through this and he said to me He's like I'm being honest Like you telling me how much you've been working on it is making me realize that I actually haven't thought about it like at all And I was like, what? Like, I feel like this whole time I've been thinking about it like nonstop, trying to work on myself,

get myself through it. And that was frustrating. On top of then he said, cause I was like, yeah, like I've been working on it. Like I want to do better. And I don't want to hold each other to the things in the past. Like I want to forgive you and move forward.

And he said, it freaked him out when I said that it's actually been 10 months since you've seen each other because he has been away for four months even before that before we broke out and he goes, I feel like it's just been too much time now and now it's like we're just going to jump right back into it. It's all going to be the same where my mind was totally different like this time I was healing and like trying to move forward and letting go of the past and wanting to move forward and forgiveness. And I kind of just feel like it's hard now because I'm kind of realizing he hasn't done that work

that I feel like he was telling me on the phone the first time and now he's almost like, well I'm still gonna play football. And I'm like, did you just do this to relieve some guilt that you had and wanna make sure that like we're cool or fine or like. I don't know if it was guilt, my guess is, he cares about you, he has feelings for you

just like you have feelings for him. The difference is, you've done the work and he hasn't. Yeah. It's kinda that simple. Everything else is all kinda very human nature. Like you said, you guys are very comfortable with each other. When you're gonna get together and have a date night

and come to each other's houses, you're gonna have sex. Why? Because this is what you guys do and it's so comfortable. It's just like, I don't know, maybe, assuming he's maybe been on a few dates too, maybe he's hooked up with a person here or there, but for the most part, you guys bring, again, it's very easy for you guys

to be your emotional support system, to be your physical support system, so that's what you fall into, right? And neither in both of you in that moment have that need. So you give into that need. And then the next day, you know, you kind of reassess all of a sudden, once that needs met, then you have other needs, right?

And again, you've done the work he hasn't. Also like you're a woman, he's a man. So you're probably a little bit more mature than he is. Who knows? And then obviously sex is gonna affect you differently. That's gonna affect him. All those elements come into play. But nothing, you know, another thing I said really changes,

right, like all it is is maybe to your point, a little bit of a wake up call of where you are or where he isn't, right? So nothing really has changed for you. You could say, listen, like it felt like, I know you didn't mean it, but it just seems like obviously it just fucks me up a little too much when we play house, have sex, and then obviously,

I know you don't mean to, but it's definitely kinda, it makes me sad or, you know, hurts a little bit when all of a sudden you're just like, ugh, I don't know what I want because now I'm kind of, I have to get over you again, I care about you. Like, you guys need to stop pretending that you guys don't love each other or there's not some love there.

You guys are so, again, that's where the game playing comes in, you two have been love each other or there's not some love there. You guys are so, and that's where the game playing comes in. You two have been in each other's lives for too long to just play these stupid fucking games about like, do you like me, do you not like me, do you care about me, do you not care about me? I don't fucking like, Jesus Christ. You guys clearly care about each other. You're still in each other's lives.

You have every reason not to be, but you still are. So something's bringing you back, and maybe it's just like the history. But again, I do think you have the right to set some boundaries here. It's like, listen, I'm gonna put it out there. If I had my wish, if I had one wish, and when it comes to my relationship life,

it would be in a healthy relationship with you. Because I love you. I wanna admit that. I don't think we're capable of that right now and that makes me sad. You know and yeah I don't know I have been doing a lot of work and you have your own journey too but like I said before if you felt the same way about that I feel then yeah I would want you to do some work on your own. You know and then yeah maybe we'd have to get couples therapy. Right now, it's clear that football

is your number one priority. I'm not here to tell you what to prioritize. But if we wanna work on this, we need to be each other's top priority. And yeah, that might include you not playing football for the sake of playing football. I definitely wanna get into a relationship with someone who kinda knows what they wanna do

with their life and their career. And I honestly like you would have to offer him some kind of like as of a reflection. I'm again really sorry for how I handled the handle things about your football playing. I think I was a little immature. I think I was you know there's a lot of reasons why I did a lot of things I regret. I do need to have a future with you but but I do really respect you chasing your dreams. I think you're gonna be really glad that you played football as long as you did,

and I think that's really cool. That being said, we are 28. We're getting to the point of our lives that if we wanna have a family and plan a future, now's kinda the time to start thinking about that. And that's kinda where I'm at. So if you want a relationship with me, yeah, I need to see you more focused on the future

and I need to not have football be your number one priority. Because the truth is, we probably shouldn't have been dating when we were dating because like, football was your number one priority and I was just too stubborn to like, accept that. And I tried to be your number one priority while football clearly was. And that's okay, I'm not even mad about it.

It's just like, that's just the reality. That's the thing, it is the reality. He wants to say, no, babe, you're my number one priority, but also football is. There can't be both. Stop bringing up the past. Other than like, hey, I want you to talk about the future with this guy.

Yeah. You can acknowledge, hey, I want you to talk about the future with this guy. Yeah. You can acknowledge, hey, I think we have things in the past that we both are triggered by. We have both hurt each other. I don't really wanna get into that, but like all I know is that we keep coming back in each other's lives. I'm very confused about how I feel about you,

but I'm not confused that if we could figure out how to be healthy together, I would want it to be with you. I hope you feel the same about me. We clearly can't do this on our own. I'm honestly, I would definitely explore going to a couples therapist with you if we decide to get back together. I don't know if that's something you wanna do.

But again, you gotta humble yourself to not be right and just put out what you want and see if he wants the same thing back. Right now, you're hedging your bet. You just, you know, you immediately, you can't start a conversation, I'm willing to forgive you. That's putting you on a higher level than him. It's just like, yeah, of course he's gonna be like,

well, what about the things I need to forgive you for? You know? And that is how he felt. Like, I feel like he feels like I, I'm not like talking down to him, but I feel like I have been using this like, like, oh, I've been going to therapy and I've been working on myself to feel like I know exactly what I'm like doing,

which I've been like trying to be like, okay, like I have to like lessen that more. Because I am. You need to recognize that as long as you guys have been each other's life, you've both hurt each other a lot. And he has a long list of gripes too. I bet if he called in, I could be like,

I bet I'd be talking to the same person. Yeah. It took me definitely a while, I feel like, to work on all those things. So I do kind of, and to let go of like that resentment I had for him. So I'm just kind of worried that if he hasn't worked on that, but it's, I see still going to have me have that for me, see me as that. And I just feel like I kind of need to let him have time to do therapy, but then he's also leaving a place to fall again

in like two months, so it kind of is pressure and not sense. So before I gotta go, because the way you have to wrap this up, what do you, I want, because I have an, what do you think I think you should do? I'm not convinced you've heard me, and even though I've said it 20 times. I guess just like unblock him and try to like just figure out a answer out of this instead of competing with each other

and trying to be like tit for tat on everything. What would, yeah, but what would you say to him? I already did say like I forgive him and I wanna move forward. I guess I would just kind of have to say like, I understand that that takes time and we're gonna have like some instances where we're not gonna be perfect

and we're just gonna have to be like gentle with each other in this learning process or just I don't even know just either be with each other during this process or I feel like kind of let each other go at this point it's kind of too difficult if we're never gonna be on the same page. Kind of. I want you I want you to work on listening before and I have this problem I want you to work on hearing and listening and not waiting to speak. You do that a lot.

I've said, I've gone on these three minute tangents and you're nodding and nodding, and then before, as soon as I finish, you're just ready to fucking go. And I don't really, I mean, I don't care. This is your time. It's not about my feelings. But if I were someone, for example, like your ex-boyfriend

who wanted to feel like I was being heard, that would give me the opposite feeling. You know what I'm saying? I would want maybe you for it to like, you know, if I get done speaking for 60 seconds, passionately about something and expressing how I feel to feel heard, I'd want that other person to like maybe like let some air go between, you know, I'm expressing how I feel. To feel heard, I'd want that other person to maybe

let some air go between. First, acknowledge what I'm saying. Oh, well, actually that makes a lot of sense. Maybe ask a follow-up question. Give a shit about what they said. You are just waiting to speak. And not only are you waiting to speak, you're already going 70 miles per hour,

two seconds into your conversation, as if you shot out of a cannon, because you're just waiting for him to shut the fuck up. And I guarantee you that's how he feels. And I do, I have an issue that I have with him too, so that's where we butt heads a lot. You both do, yes. I feel like I'm, I'm hot.

You're both athletes, you're both competitive people, you both love being right, you both love winning. I get it, right? But you both have to acknowledge. And when you speak to him, you need to, again, focus on listening to him. You need to use we and us language. You have to stop saying shit like, I'm willing to forgive you.

It's more like, we have a long history. We have both hurt each other. And I don't think it's we've hurt each other because we've tried to. I just think we're both stubborn people who love to win and I think we should both acknowledge that and we should try to focus on how we should stop frustrating each other and playing games with each other and get on the same page. We and us, we and us, we and us, we and us, we and us. Write him a

letter as if you're speaking to him and practice we and us language because right now it's you and me, it's I did this and you did that, and I'm right and you're wrong, and you know what I'm saying? That's how you guys talk. And when he speaks, listen, and think about what he is saying. And if you have a question about what he is saying for clarification, show him that, do that.

But don't just start talking, because that will make him feel like you don't give a fuck about what he is saying, alright? That's definitely true. Okay, alright, well hopefully this was helpful. Yeah, yeah I guess I'll just unblock him and try to say, I'm sorry for blocking him and maybe I have my dog taken care of and we can maybe talk after this week when, like it's

both of our birthdays this week which kind of sucks. And you're like, after this week maybe you can kind of talk. It doesn't suck. Again, it doesn't suck, right? It's just, you're so used to just making problems out of nothing. Yeah, you could be like, listen, I hope you have a really great birthday. I'm thinking of you. I care about you.

Just be fucking nice. All you have to think about is saying nice fucking shit to him. Right? I hope you have a happy birthday. I'll be thinking about you on your birthday. I want to figure out if we can be in each other's lives. If any part of you sees a future in me, I would love to have a conversation when I get back about what that looks like. If not, I totally get it, then maybe we should move on. But like you have to use less aggressive language. It has to be inviting, it's gotta be us and we. You know what I'm saying?

Stop trying to fight, stop trying to win. But I will text my ex happy birthday, is what I'm hearing. There you go, you can text him happy birthday. Ew, it means very much to learn in life. But yes, you can text him happy birthday. Well. Needs very much to learn in real life. Yes, you can text him happy birthday. Well, keep us posted. I'm invested. I would love to get an update.

I'd love, get him on the phone. I'd love to talk to both of you. I bet I would learn a lot about both of you. Yeah. And maybe that's step one. You might not get a word in between us. I'm sure I'd find a way. But yeah, seriously, I would love to have you guys

call in together because I could probably figure out one way or the other. Because you really too, you guys gotta get on the same page. You're way too competitive. But there's a lot of love there, so you know. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you might be willing fans, I'll say. All right, but first, sit down with them and just be vulnerable about what you hope with this man.

And regardless of how he responds, and just be vulnerable about what you hope with this man. And regardless of how he responds, just be glad and grateful that you were able to be vulnerable and honest with him about how you feel. You've wasted too much time saying something and immediately having an expectation of him of how he cannot disappoint you. And that's not a recipe for success. He's only just gonna disappoint you.

Definitely have more work to do myself for sure but. We all do. All right, all right, take care. Thank you, you too. Bye bye. Wonderful pistachios have literally come out of their shell. Same delicious taste but with a little less work for you. Less cracking, more snacking.

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is how do I stop the men I date from seeing me as their therapist and their girlfriend instead? Okay, why do you think men that you date see you as your therapist? So generally the routine is I go on a couple dates with them. We get more comfortable with each other. I learn a little bit about their career. They learn about mine, their life outside of work

and such and such. And then almost overnight it just seems to turn into, how was your day? I'm tired turn into, how was your day? I'm tired, yeah, how was work? Oh, I hate my boss, I want a new job. And, you know, and they might go into more serious stuff like how they struggle with anxiety and depression. And of course I'm understanding to that,

but that seems to be the conversation every time we speak following that, you know, assuming we talk on during the week and so it's been another work day, they're tired again. What's happening prior to you getting to the point where you're in a, where you have some kind of rapport with these men that they would be texting you

on a regular basis? A couple dates. So I've seen, I've met them in person, we've gotten a little bit more comfortable with each other. That's probably what I would say what leads to this. Okay and minus what's going on on the text, do you like the fact that you are texting on a regular basis with these people? I'm not a serial texter in that I want to text them 24-7. I do like daily check-ins or every other day. Okay. Or something like that and of course I don't push it.

I kind of pick up where they live off and so to speak. Just out of curiosity, how do you decide what men to go on dates with? I'm definitely looking for someone who's a little bit more established and really does have a life of their own and a career of their own just to kind of match our lives in that way. So I

understand that of course if they're busy and have a complicated life or other priorities pulling them other way that might start to wear and tear on them mentally and then kind of use me as an outlet of someone to open up to. Yeah, that makes sense but I'm curious like when, and I'm glad you have that answer, you're looking for men who kind of are established in their lives, but it seems like you're going on dates with men who aren't. Yeah, it always seems to be like they think it's just going to get better next week or two weeks without really making serious pivots in their life that would then make them established. Yeah, but I got you.

I mean, and listen, I don't know, I mean, on a dating app, I'm not necessarily recommending, as soon as you match with someone, be like, all right, like, what do you do for work? How much money do you make? And do you love your job? You know, like... Yeah.

That being said, I mean, I do think you can try to figure out someone who, yeah, I don't know. I do think, do you love your job would be a great qualifying question for you to ask early on in dating. Yeah, I agree. Have you ever asked that? Not directly, I think I more try to pick up on kind of the way they speak about it,

if it's something they're passionate about or if it's something that they dread every day, I try to pick up on that when we're just chatting in the apps. Okay, well, hard to pick up on things chatting in the apps. Much easier to just ask. I think do you love your job is a great question. It tells you a lot of things about people.

For you, they would tell you if someone even likes their job. You know right off the bat that a man who doesn't love his job I mean we're talking about a whole lots of problems potentially right yeah I agree you know there are exceptions to all the rules so they so to speak but call it misogyny I don't know call it whatever you want I don't know but I I still think the social expectations or the norms are that for anyone who wants to settle down

as they say and start a family, I think more women are comfortable with the idea of maybe they work, maybe they don't, you know, it's like maybe they wanna stay home and have kids, I think they are open to having that conversation, where I think for whatever reason, right or wrong, I think men feel, if they don't feel established in their career, I guess regardless if they want

to settle down and have a family or not, they feel judged by themselves, judged by society, judged by their future partners. They feel like they're not where they should be type of thing, so there's that. Now, I am in no way trying to suggest, obviously, for all the ladies out there who are very invested in their professional careers and want to do so

even after kids, I think that's beautiful and I think that's amazing, yada yada. I'm just talking about societal expectations, you know what I'm saying? And so I think when you find a man who can admit he doesn't like his job, that's almost certainly a signal that this is a man who very much has more questions than answers when it comes to their future.

Yeah, now that tracks to exactly what I've heard throughout the years, yeah. And so if you're looking for someone who you don't want to be used as a therapist, if you are someone who, well, one one is maybe are you in there I'm Guessing you've done some therapy. Oh, yeah, I've gone through the same Struggles and such did what I needed to do to get myself out of that hole I'm guessing you have a lot of friends who go to I bet I bet you I bet you even like giving advice

Well, I don't not give advice to men. No, no, I'm just saying in general, I bet you like giving advice, I bet you're good at giving advice, and I bet you have a lot of friends who go to you for advice. Yeah. Yeah, all right, so despite you not like doing it to the men you date, you are definitely attracted to men who need your advice.

Okay, yeah. Very true. Yeah, it's just, you know, there is a theme here and the theme is you. So, you know, we all have to recognize, when we see patterns in our lives, we have to recognize we're the pattern. Yeah, no, exactly. Yeah, that's why I reached out to you. So yeah, step one, ask them, do you like your job? That could be your third question to every guy you match on the apps. And you could do it in a way that's like, I was just curious, I just find that to be a really interesting question.

So why do you ask? They're like, oh, I don't know, I just, I mean, it's dating apps, man, I'm just trying to get to know people. Yeah, no, yeah, I have no shame, I can ask that. So one, I honestly think that would cover a lot of ground. Minus that, let's say you ask that question,

some guy's like, oh yeah, I love my job, it's great. And then you're like, oh, it's going on a date, you have a couple dates and you're a third date, obviously you feel like, oh, I'm being this guy's therapist again. Maybe don't be so empathetic off the bat or something. I don't know. You're doing, you're clearly giving the,

you are making these men feel comfortable enough to open up to you. So there's something you're doing. As someone who gives advice for a living these days, I am, I'm a sucker for someone who needs advice. You know what I'm saying? I like it too much. I have to recognize that.

And I think you like it too. When someone's like, hey, can I ask your advice? You perk up, you're like, yeah, great. Even if it's a date, you're like, oh, I don't wanna do this, but what's your question? You know, like. Yeah, uh-huh,, no I could see that. I always just sympathize and say,

oh gosh, I'm so sorry, you know, tell me more. And then that's the snowballing. Yeah, but you probably offer, you might even offer some good advice. And so what do you think they're gonna do when they get good advice? They're gonna come back for more. You know?

So one, you need to challenge yourself, whether it's meeting people in the real world or on dating apps, you have to challenge yourself to actually only go on physical dates with men who have in some way, shape, or form show you that they are happy with their life. Mm-hmm, okay. How old are you?

I'm 31. What's the age of the men that you're often dating? My range on the app is 29 through 43. Okay, and then? But I'm most often going on dates with 30 through 35. 30 through 35, okay. I think you should age up a little bit. Okay, that's good advice.

That's a huge generalization, so I just want to acknowledge that. But I don't think nowadays, I don't think men have always matured slower than women, and sadly I think they're maturing even slower than before. That's a larger conversation we need to have on society. But the point is, is that it's gonna be easier for you to find a man who, you know,

like in my 30s, I was sleeping on my friend's couch. I was taking a huge risk in my life and it's slightly different, but like I was definitely not excited about like, I wasn't ready to settle down and have a kid, you know? So in general, as a 31 year old woman, you might have more luck with a guy who's in his mid to late 30s or even early 40s, you know?

Like I think a lot of guys nowadays, they'll get their first job, especially if they're in their business world You might have more luck with a guy who's in his mid to late 30s or even early 40s. I think a lot of guys nowadays, they'll get their first job, especially if they're in their business world, and they'll get bored of that job. They want to take a big swing. They want to take a big risk. Sometimes that risk works out, often it doesn't. And then they have to reassess that failure of that risk in their early to mid 30s. And that can be very crippling for them as far as their relationships they're in.

Because again, I think if a man feels like a failure in his professional career, he's almost incapable of being a good partner. And again, there's a deeper conversation there in terms of the why, but as far as you're concerned, I think it's about you asking better qualifying questions early on when you're dating these men. And then when you get on these dates with these men, still being mindful that you have a habit of wanting to solve these guys' problems.

And you really need to try to find men who really aren't quite, because there's no fix, you know what I'm saying? You're always gonna be you. I don't think you should change who you are. I don't think you should stop giving advice, especially if you're good at it and you enjoy doing it. I think there's a place for you in this world. I think you should stop giving advice if especially if you're good at it and and you enjoy doing it I think there's a place for you in this world

I think you just have to be mindful of who you're surrounding yourself with Because you don't want to you know You're gonna run the risk of always being the smartest person in the room and or the most emotional regulated person and you can get off On on being right and you can be you can get off on being the person who gets advice I think it's important for you to surround yourself with people who don't need your advice. And I think if you're in a room with people who don't need your advice,

I think you can potentially feel a little bit unnecessary and get insecure sometimes. I think you're so used to being this person that I think you should challenge yourself to get in rooms where no one needs your advice. Yeah, no, that's a really good way of phrasing it. Yeah, and then when it comes to men you're dating, same thing, I think you just really need to challenge,

stop wasting your time going on dates with men who made it very clear that they're just not settled with where they're at in their life. And if that means you go on less first dates, then so be it. Right, and that's fine. Yeah, I mean, really it just comes down to those little things, you know?

So, I'm really curious. Actually, I'd love for you to follow up if you actually start asking, do you like your job? Okay, yeah, I'll be happy to. And don't make it so loaded, right? Don't have it be the very first question, do you like your job? You know, maybe two or three questions in you know, ask a couple softballs and just like do you like your job? Very cash. Mmm, you know if they're like actually it's fine. I don't know. I fucking hate it. I'm looking to do other things

Yeah immediately not your guy. Okay. Yeah, and don't feel like you need to explain it to them Especially if it's like somebody just matched on the app you can you can ghost Not your guy. Okay, yeah. And don't feel like you need to explain it to them. Especially if it's like someone you just matched on the app. You can ghost. Yeah, no I frequently. Don't immediately ghost. Can figure out the conversation, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, again, don't start to be their therapist.

We'll just, you know, I'm just looking for men, more established, if you don't like your job, you don't explain yourself. Don't, you don't know these people, they're just strangers. Yeah, no I don't do that. Yeah, so yeah, I bet you would weed out a lot of people. Okay, I'm gonna bump my age range up

and start asking that question. Yeah, I would, 31 should be the lowest. 45? Try doing 35 to 45. 35 to 45, okay. Let's try it. You can always change it. I don't think you should fuck around

with anyone younger than you. If you're meant to be dating a younger man, he will find his way into your life. You don't need to like... Go find him. Right? You don't need to like open up your dating search for all 30 and 29 year old men?

Yeah. Cause then you're just opening up the door for the 29 year old who wants to feel mature for himself and maybe just into dating a woman who's two years older than him. You know what I'm saying? It's just like, nah. But your big qualifiers just should be,

do you like your job? Yeah. Or to ask them what's one thing they really love about their job? Yeah. Or to ask them what's one thing they really love about their life. Yeah. Cause I mean, ultimately they're just very negative, whether my response is, oh gosh, I'm sorry. And that, you know, or not, it's hard to be around.

Like I don't want texts every day of, well, my day was awful, you know? So yeah, I think kind of embracing or trying to find more positive men too would be helpful. Yeah, it's tough out there. I don't know if there's a ton of positive men, but there are, you know, I do think we need to do something about our men are failing and sad. I'm worried for my daughter. But anyways, there's there good ones still out there. You need to find your equal. And remember, you're looking for one, not many. And just you have to challenge yourself to not be their therapist if you don't wanna be their therapist.

Okay, sounds great. All right, well keep us posted. I'd love to know if that question serves you well. Okay, I'll follow up. All right, take care. Thank you. All right, bye-bye. Bye.