The Viall Files - E931 Ask Nick - Should I Take Him Back?

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

Our first caller is wondering how long to hold onto her boyfriend that’s lost his patience with her. Our second caller wants to get back with a guy who ghosted her. And, our third caller is in love with her best friend of 17 years.  “He’s wondering how much power he has over you." Listen to Humble Brag with Cynthia Bailey and Crystal Kung Minkoff every Monday starting October 21st! Available wherever you get your podcasts and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@humblebragpod  https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/humble-brag-with-crystal-and-cynthia/id1774286896 https://open.spotify.com/show/4NWA8LBk15l2u5tNQqDcOO?si=c03a23d537f94735   Start your 7 Day Free Trial of Viall Files + here: https://viallfiles.supportingcast.fm/  Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss an episode and as always send in your relationship questions to [e-mail] to be a part of our Monday episodes.  To Order Nick’s Book Go To: https://www.viallfiles.com  If you would like to get some texting advice, send an email to [e-mail] with “Texting Office Hours” in the subject line!  To advertise on this podcast please email: [e-mail] or go to: https://advertising.libsyn.com/theviallfiles  THANK YOU TO OUR SPONSORS: BetterHelp - We’re all better with help. Visit https://betterhelp.com/viall today to get 10% off your first month. Caraway - Visit https://carawayhome.com/VIALL10 for an additional 10% off your next purchase. Helix Sleep - For early access to their Memorial Day Sale, go to https://helixsleep.com/viall for 27% Off Sitewide + Free Bedding Bundle (Sheet Set and Mattress Protector) with any Luxe or Elite Mattress Order. Cymbiotika - Go to https://cymbiotika.com/viall to get 20% off plus free shipping. Timestamps: (00:00) - Intro (00:13) - Caller One (36:56) - Caller Two (55:25) - Caller Three Episode Socials: @viallfiles @nickviall @justinkaphillips @dereklanerussell

How's it going? Hi, my name is Paige. I'm 30 years old and I'm just wondering how long I should hold on to my relationship with my boyfriend who says he doesn't have enough patience to give me. Okay. Well, that's not, it's not a good to hear. Why do you think he feels the way he does? I think part of it is his past relationship.

He was together with his ex for like five years. Okay. And they ended up having a pretty toxic relationship towards the end of it. They were both cheating on each other. Definitely didn't have any trust. And I met him maybe like a couple months after some crazy stuff went down with like him and his ex-girlfriend.

And then we kind of started dating. And since then, when we've come up with issues, he has told me multiple times before. I'll be like, I feel like you don't have any grace to give me and he's like, I don't. Give me an example of a time where you were hoping for some grace. I'm like, there's been a couple times actually.

The most recent one, this is like one problem that we've been having recently is me wanting to go to Europe. I booked a ticket. This is something that I've been planning for like a really long time. It's something that I really wanted to do for like my 30th birthday.

And so we had talked about it. He said he was uncomfortable with me going alone because I was like, if I can't find anyone, I'm gonna go alone. Did you invite him? I did. I was like, if you wanna go, but like I know it's hard for you.

I was just like, I'm very like casual about things. So like, and I know it's hard for you. I was just like, I'm very casual about things. So like, and I think- So this is not like, I would love for you to go and enjoy my 30th birthday in Europe with you. You didn't say that. I didn't say that, no. I'm just, I'm collecting information right now. I'm not judging.

Can I give a little more context? Yeah, please. He has a 10 year old son. Okay. So, and I know. Which means what? Can't really go to Europe for a month or even. Oh, you, how long do you want to go to Europe for?

I wanted to go for a month. Are you able to work or, or this is like a, you pray love sabbatical? Like what? It's, it's PTO. I have, I have a bunch of PTO. So I have the ability to like take the month off and do that if I wanted to. Yeah.

What else? Let's table that for a second. Okay. What's another example of a time that you wanted Grace that he wasn't able to give you? Oh my gosh. And this is going to sound so silly. I guess there's, he's coaches basketball and they had their championship game

coming up and it asked me if like I wanted to go and I was like, oh, I worked that day. And he was just like, oh, okay. And like, that was it. And I didn't hear much about it until I could like tell on the phone, like a couple couple days later that like he was irritated and like finally he opened up and he was like, yeah, well like this is really important to me and like you're not here for me over this. Like I don't know. To me it was a little silly because I'm like you didn't communicate like I know basketball is important to you but you didn't communicate how important it was for me to be there at

your guys' championship game. He's not playing. It's like, uh, he's just coaching the game. So like, I mean, I worked, so I didn't really feel like, I didn't know it was that important to him. Um, but it was like that important. Just out of curiosity, would you like, whoever your man is, your life partner, if it's him, I don't know if someone else, whoever this person ends up being,

are you comfortable being the one who has to articulate specifically all the things that are important to you? Or are you hoping that he, you know, kind of picks up on some things and shows an interest to find out what is important to you so that he can support you? For sure, what you said. Yeah, I mean, at first, I think we're still kind of like learning each other.

So I'm like, yeah. How long have you been dating by the way? Almost 11 months now. Okay. So, and I've been to his games before I've been to like, I went to like half of his games. Um, so I just didn't know that this was so important to where like, I mean, listen, I like wanted to almost break up with me over it.

Well, there's a couple of things here. Like you talked about, like, when did you find out that he, he came from a toxic relationship or two people who are just cheating on each other? I actually knew about it before I even knew him. Cause my roommate was involved in it. Well, how so? So they worked together or she's a travel nurse.

So they work together. And then at that time, I guess him and her were like trying to work things out. We're both very similar personalities, like bubbly. And she got out of like a really toxic relationship with her ex. And so he was kind of like seeking for advice. And they went out to coffee one day and they were like talking about it. And at this point, like they weren't like together

and they weren't not together. You know, they were like kind of like in that in between. Him and his ex. And him and his ex. And they all worked together at the same time. Okay. Your roommate, his ex and him. Yes.

And so she ended up going like crazy, texting my roommate, like, stay the fuck away, like all this like crazy stuff. It got brought up to HR. She got suspended. She ended up going to his house, spray painting his house, like liar, cheater on his house, like destroyed his electronics. She had a key to the house and like slashed

his motocross tires and like basically everything that he cared about and they weren't even together. I can't remember if this is at the time that like she was, she had a new boyfriend or she was seeing the guy that she cheated on him with or something. Who knows? She's, I care less about that, I just more care about like what your awareness is.

So clearly you were very aware of the situation more than, more aware than I realize. And I guess it's just more like what your awareness is. So clearly you were very aware of the situation, more aware than I realize. And I guess it's just more like, when you decided to date this guy, what were your expectations of his ability or his emotional state, or his ability to be a boyfriend? So both of us, or she knew him better than I did,

like my roommate, and she was like, you know what, I think he's a really great guy, and he is a really great guy. And he was just put in like a really shitty toxic situation and kind of like caved and was spiteful. That was me going into it. I was like, okay, like. So your only thought was he's a good guy

and in a bad situation. But did you think about how that situation impacted him? What that might mean for his next girlfriend? I mean, I definitely did. I don't think he does. Like, I feel like I- You did? Therapize him a lot. I'm like, is this, like when he says certain things,

I'm like, is this coming from somewhere? Like, could it be like this past thing that happened? And like, this is maybe why you're reacting to this in this certain way. And then he'll like look at me and he'll be like maybe. I think what you are describing is very common. Here you are this person who got to know someone coming out of a toxic relationship

and you hurt as much, right? And then you decided, you made a bet, I think this is a pretty good guy in a bad situation and I'm curious about dating him and so you decided to date him, right? And you were aware of the fact that like yeah he might have some baggage that I might have to deal with and you're dealing with it is more you just deciding or questioning when he behaves a certain way if this is just a

projection or a response from a past relationship and sometimes you point that out of him to be like this is not really me you're mad at, this is your ex-girlfriend and blah, blah, blah, right? And it's more about like you indirectly or directly suggesting this is a him problem, not really an us problem or a you problem. Kind of. Yeah, well, I think that's a little unfair of you

because I do think if you're gonna be someone, and I say this to anyone, not just directly talking to you, but we're having a conversation. When you meet someone like him who's coming out of a relationship like he was, and you're curious about dating him like you are, in addition to just be the person who's just pointing out some projections, you have to be also, you have to accept that you are entering a relationship with someone who is a little damaged, who is a little sensitive, who needs some tender loving Claire and some consideration and you might have to be willing to accommodate those needs to at least some degree so that you don't trigger

the person who's more easily triggered and you don't create an insecurity that's clearly there who hasn't been resolved. And if you're not willing to do that, then maybe it's just more like, I just don't know. In this few minutes we've been talking, you kind of come across this kind of chill, kind of laissez faire girl who definitely wants a boyfriend,

but has her things going on too, and she wants to do some things. And you wanna find a man who's generally secure and comfortable in his own skin, so that as long as you aren't actually doing anything wrong and you wanna go to backpacking Europe for a month and as long as you're faithful, you expect a man to be okay with that

because you're not doing anything wrong. You hit the nail on the head with that. So well, and that's fine and you can be that person but like if you wanna be that person, you shouldn't be dating someone like him in this moment. And if you wanna date someone like him in this moment, then you need to be a little bit more empathetic and you need to be willing to be a little bit more willing

to cater to his needs. Like. That's kind of like the issue that we're having right now too with the whole Europe thing is like me, like needing wanting to compromise or like him wanting me to compromise and it's so hard for me because I'm so independent

and my last relationship, my ex was super toxic, wouldn't let me go anywhere. Anywhere. Even I came out with friends. So it's like that like, and I promised myself I would never be in a relationship but someone told me I can go somewhere, you know, go visit friends or do something with friends.

You're only 30, but I asked this from time to time with people, but what are your relationship goals, both today as a 30-year-old woman and long-term? And do you think your long-term relationship goals match with your current relationship goals as a 30-year-old woman? I know my long- term relationship goals is like, I do wanna have kids, I wanna move in together.

I told him though, I wouldn't move in unless he basically proposed to me because I don't wanna move in and be a part of this kid's life. So, I'm gonna interrupt. Forget about him for a second. I just wanna know your relationship goals. What do you want for yourself as it relates to the type of relationship that you want? And if you think

about your long-term goals, are they matching with your short-term goals? Long-term goals is definitely family. That's what I want. Yeah. Short-term goals. But yeah, do you want that now? Is that something you want as of today, start working towards? Maybe within like the next year, definitely not right now. I feel like I'm still in a spot in like my professional career,

which I want to like continue that. And what are his relationship goals right now? Do you know? Three years. At first he didn't want to have kids, but he said that if he does have kids, it has to be with the right person. So I think that's also why he's being super hard on me because he already has a kid with

someone that it didn't work out with. So yeah, I mean, within the next couple of years, he said that's his goal. He doesn't want to be a dad to like a newborn when he's that much older, which he's not even that old. He's like 31. Sure. I mean, yeah, honestly, it sounds like a man who's been fucked up a little bit and has a lot of baggage and a little bit of trauma and a little bit of resentment about having

a partner, the same way women, if they date a bunch of shitty toxic men, have a certain opinion about men in general and he might have a certain opinion about women, as partners at least. I honestly think the basketball thing is more important than the Europe thing. Do you think so? I mean, listen, as adults, especially parents, you have a kid, you gotta support your kid, you have a job, most jobs, even the great jobs

are fucking jobs and they're mundane. And it's just like, it's hard to find passion projects, things that make us proud of ourselves, accomplishments and things like that. And every person, but especially men, men wanna feel supported. They wanna have cheerleaders. They want people to be proud of them.

You know, like men want people to be proud of them. They want their kids to be proud of them. They want their partners to be proud of them. As a man, I know that. I don't know if having a partner be proud of you is as important to women as it is to men, but I'm telling you as a man, it's important. As someone who did go to a lot of his games, I don't know if having a partner be proud of you is as important to women as it is to men, but I'm telling you, it's important.

As someone who did go to a lot of his games, he assumed, or at least hoped, that you would pick up on how important this was to him as silly as you might have thought it was. And the fact that he made it to the championship game at whatever level it is, he gave a shit about. And he wanted you to be proud of him, and he wanted you to want to show up

and think it was pretty cool that he was able to coach a bunch of kids to a championship game and be a good mentor and a role model and he wanted you to see him not only coach but get these kids together and bring the best out of these kids and he wanted you to see that and he wanted you to acknowledge that and be proud of him. You were just like, yeah, I mean, I gotta work.

And now you have a month of PTO saved up so that you can go backpacking Europe, but you couldn't take an afternoon off to support. I'm just, you know. I'm not saying you're doing wrong. I'm just telling you, if you wanna know, from his point of view, what he was looking for and why it mattered to him, that's why.

I think that's really important in a relationship for you to be aware of, and it's totally okay for you not to be in a place right now to really give a shit about that kind of stuff right now. But if you're not wanting or willing to give a shit about that kind of stuff right now, coupled with the fact that you kind of want to just disappear for a month in Europe,

A, I don't know if you're in a position to have a boyfriend, period, and B, it probably definitely isn't him. I do think you can have a little bit more balancing your life, and I think it sounds like you also have a little bit of resentment from past boyfriends as well, because there's a difference between going on a girls trip for a couple days

and disappearing for a month. Like the type of vacation you're describing, you should wanna go meet a spicy European and have some fun, like sex for a night, because that's the kind of trip you're describing. Like who goes to Europe for a month by themselves if they're not gonna get laid? You know, like I'm kinda joking, but like I'm also kinda not.

Like the type of trip you're describing is one of like, I'm just gonna go and be open. I'm just gonna go and explore,. I'm just gonna go and explore. If we were in a relationship and you would describe, I would be like, yeah, a little uncomfy. It sounds like what I want from this is not something that fits with what you want for yourself. And that's what he was saying.

Yeah. And yeah, someone who's coming from a toxic relationship, I absolutely get his response of being like, yeah, I'm just like not down for just like, like do what you want, but like I'm just, I'm not in a position to put myself through that right now and like stress about what you're doing and feeling insecure for an entire month

while you're in Europe. When we're in relationships, as much as we don't want jealous or controlling partners, we don't wanna be insecure, neurotic people who get triggered by our partners. And so oftentimes, especially when we get cheated, like we always want, I wanna trust my partner, I wanna believe my partner,

I wanna get my partner a benefit of the doubt. And then we do that and then they fuck us over. And then we're just like, it's like, was I a pushover? Should I have trusted my gut earlier? Should I have, it's hard to know what's the balance. We feel as humans, as people who are dating, that every time I give an inch, people take a foot. I'm not gonna give more than I need.

So yeah, he's not in a position to give you unconditional trust and support right now. So if you wanna like kind of do, extraordinary, you know, like out of the ordinary things, he's just not capable of giving you that type of trust and security right now. And he, and you kind of should have known that, you know? Like this is not a surprise. of trust and security right now. And you kind of should have known that, you know?

This is not a surprise. I feel like, so, I mean, from like a little bit more perspective, like there has been trips that I've gone on with like friends and stuff. Like I went to Mexico for a wedding with my friend, the same friend that I'm gonna go to Europe with. And like I went to Hawaii for my birthday.

He actually bought my plane ticket to Hawaii for my 30th birthday. But like, and the whole time that I'm there, I'm like texting him. We FaceTime all the time. And so I was like, have at any point, like, have I ever made you feel uncomfortable that I was doing anything wrong? And he's like, well, no, it's not really about that. Very comfortable. I felt very safe.

And I'm like, okay, well, why don't, why do you think like this is going to be different? Cause it is different. I feel like safe. And I'm like, okay, well, why don't, why do you think like, this is going to be different? Cause it is different. I feel like it's just, it's literally different. But how? Well, you took a trip with the girls to Hawaii for a limited period of time. And now you want to go to Europe by yourself for a month.

So it's different. Well, I'm not going by myself because he said I can't. And I was like, okay, well then I'll find someone to go with. And he was like, okay. And so I did. And then he's like, well, I'm not comfortable with the amount of time. And he like mentioned it, like what,

like we didn't really talk about it much. I mean, the truth is what I'm hearing is like, I'm sure he would love to be comfortable with it. I'm sure he'd love to. And him saying, hello, I'm not comfortable going by yourself. And then, you know what you did? You found someone and he was probably hoping you wouldn't find someone. And then you did. And then he's like, ah, well, I, I'm not comfortable you going by yourself. And then you know what you did? You found someone. He was probably hoping you wouldn't find someone

and then you did and he's like, ah, well, I guess I'm uncomfortable. It's like, he doesn't wanna be jealous. He doesn't wanna say no. He just knows how he is going to feel when you're there. And he wants to avoid that feeling. And it's understandable why he has that feeling. It just is.

It doesn't make it right. It doesn't mean you have to be happy with it, but it is understandable. And relationships are about sacrifice. And again, your energy, I can just tell, like your energy requires a man that's confident. Or it just requires you to maybe, you know, if you listen to this show, you've heard me say

to a lot of men or to women about their boyfriends that it sounds like a guy who likes having a girlfriend but doesn't like being a boyfriend. And you're kinda giving me the same energy that you like having a boyfriend, but as far as being a girlfriend, like you can take it or leave it. And what you really want is kind of an understanding boyfriend

who is generally chill and cool with you having your independence. If you ever get asked to do something where it's like you'd rather not do it, it feels or you tell yourself it's more a man taking away your independence rather than like you making a sacrifice for the relationship. And like maybe you're just like not down already

to like have a boyfriend right now. Maybe just like you like having a guy, you like having a nice guy and you like the conversations having a guy in your life can bring and the regular sex from time to time and having a boyfriend is really nice, but like you don't exactly love being a girlfriend. That's what I'm trying to like grapple with

and like being able to compromise was something that I felt like so strongly about. Like I'm having trouble doing it because like we both agreed like at first he like wanted to break up and then he's like, no, like I love you too much. Like I don't want to do that, but like this is my boundary and he like told me his boundary.

And so I'm like, okay, well like I also don't want to break up and I do want to spend the rest of my life with you. So like, I'm going to change my flight basically but I'm just having trouble. Like I'm just having trouble with it. Well, I mean, listen, if you're going to resent them for it they're not doing anyone any good. If you can actually say you love him

and you can say, like, this is a man I really see myself spending the rest of my life with, then you're gonna have at times to make some sacrifices and not look at it as like, oh, God, I can't believe I had to fucking do this for another fucking guy. You know, it's like, no, I love this man. I understand why he feels the way he does.

And while I'm disappointed that I don't get to do what I wanna do, I love this man. I understand why he feels the way he does. And while I'm disappointed that I don't get to do what I wanna do, I love him and I don't wanna put him through that. And honestly, if the roles were reversed, I would totally get why it would make him uncomfortable and why I would be anxious. And I don't wanna do that for him. And I can always go to Europe again.

And maybe we can go for a period of time. And like, this is in the end of the world. Well, I'm happier being happy with him than going to Europe by myself for a month and you're just comfortable with the compromise. So you'll just have to decide which is more true for you. But if you're gonna resent him over it, don't bother, don't bother.

Maybe you both have some trauma you need to work through as individuals. For sure, for sure. I brought up couples therapy and stuff like that, but he's like, well, we can just do it on our own. Do what? Well, clearly not. Honestly, it kind of sounds like you guys are more

in need of individual therapy right now. Yeah, I was looking into it, but when I called my insurance, they were like, there's no available therapists in your area. Really? Yeah. You know, when people are resistant to therapy,

they act like it's some fucking magic. It's just like, I don't believe in it because like, you know, and some people are maybe give therapy too much credit. Like sometimes all it is is just it's someone who is a professional who knows how to create a safe space to allow you to just talk things through, get it out and work through some things like we're doing now, you know, but they're a little bit more experienced and trained to do that and hopefully be helpful. And instead of him or you just constantly ruminating

about your insecurities and fears and asking friends who have no fucking clue what they're talking about and then just projecting their wants and dreams for themselves onto you and just get a bunch of bad advice, I don't know, maybe just run up by someone who doesn't have a dog in the fight, and just can kinda just help you workshop your thoughts and feelings, that's all it is.

It's not some magical thing. You don't walk into therapy one day and come out a different person, it's just, it's an outlet. It's a way to just workshop things with someone who actually might help you workshop rather than just ruminating over and over. It does sound like he has some stuff to work through, you have some stuff to work through,

at times you guys trigger each other, intentionally or not, and yeah, I mean, yeah, I'm all for couples therapy. I don't think we need to do it together. I think it's easier without doing it, you know, because right now, what you're describing, there's a lot of well-intentioned behavior here. There's a lot of like, at times being disappointed with the other person or triggered by the other person,

but like trying to work through it, but you guys are having a hard time doing that. And that's okay, it's normal. So like, what do you guys have to lose? Yeah, very true, very true. You can say like, listen, I also don't wanna feel resentment, you know? These are all just natural feelings you guys are feeling

because you're not like, you guys came into this relationship, a couple of broken little birds, and you're doing your best to help heal each other. And it's just like hardening your thought, you know? And it usually is. It's not easy, that's for sure. I think the part that gets me is like, it hurts me when he was like,

well, I just don't have any like patience or grace to give you, especially like at the beginning of our relationship when we weren't like official official, but we were like, we're not going to like bring anyone back to our houses. Like that was like the boundary, like we were like, we're not going to like bring anyone back to our, our houses. Like that was like the boundary like we kind of set. And then he ended up bucking his ex. And then her current boyfriend messaged me about it as I was walking up to his house and like saying all these things. And I was like, this is weird. Like I just got this random number. This was like, this was before we like started dating. So actually it was probably about a whole year ago. And I asked him about it. I was like, is this true? And he was like, no, like it's not true. And then like I asked him about it again

and he said no. And then I gave him another chance to, to like, cause it just felt weird. I was like, are you sure it's not true? And he was like, no, like it's not. And then come to find out it was true. They ended up like hooking up at work, which is crazy to me, like having sex at work. I think it was sex. I thought it was just like hooking up like fingering blah, blah, blah. I didn't think that they would actually do that. And then he brought her over to his house. And then the boyfriend found out he had her location or like something happened. Like it was turned off or she had it. I don't know. He ended up like going and like sticking out her house and then saw my current boyfriend now,

like driving her back to his house. So did you ever admit it? He finally admitted it. Yeah, I finally got it out of him. Like at first he just ignored me and just like stopped talking to me like cold turkey, which I was like, this is crazy. I was like, I was like, I know something's up. I was like, be a man and just like say talking to me like cold turkey, which I was like, this is crazy. I was like, I know something's up.

I was like, be a man and just like say it to my face. And he did. We like, we ended up working through it. I was like, I wanted to work through it. I don't know, there was just, there's just like something different about him. Like there's something different about him. And we have really great chemistry.

He's a great dad. Like he checks off so many like boxes for me. And so I like put my ego aside and I was like, okay, like if we can actually do this and work on this, then like, I think like we can do anything. Like we can like work through anything. And that's like a great foundation for a relationship if we can really get through this.

And I have to also now work with this girl. She like left their work and then she came to my work. His ex? Yeah, his ex. So I have been working with her for the past six, seven months and I have to see her every day at work. And so that's my journey that I have to go through. Why do you care?

You won. I mean, if you, I mean the hooking up with her. I don't know. I know. It was the lying. it was the lying. Sure, for sure. Because this guy's had sex with her hundreds of times. I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't have cared,

but you're right, the physical aspect, it's like you weren't even dating. We've all, that toxic breakup sex with exes, and it's just, it's not okay, but I get your point, it's easier to forgive in the situation that you're in. And that's where I'm like, it just, you know, it's not okay. But like, I get your point, it's kind of, it's easier to forgive in the situation that you're in. And that's where I'm like, okay, like I was able to like forgive you for this, but like the things that I feel like, I don't know,

the things that he's like coming to me and like wanting to like break up with me over, I'm like, really? It doesn't really work that way, right? Like trading, like what you want is like an IOU for accepting his toxic behavior, so to speak, and do something that's a little unhealthy for the relationship, but you wanna be okay with it

because you were okay with it. This doesn't work that way. If you want a healthy relationship, then you guys have to trade healthy actions, not trade toxic actions. It doesn't make it fair, and it doesn't make it right, but like that's the only, if you want a healthy relationship, that's the only choice you have.

And I also think his wording maybe just like, could have had some better tact. It's like, I think he's being honest when he says, I can't give you that grace. And also, if you're ready to be in a healthy relationship, receiving grace from your partner shouldn't be your primary goal. How much grace do you need?

This is really just him knowing that this is a big ask and he's not in a position to do it. And yeah, you could stubbornly say, I need to do this, I promise myself, I'm gonna go to Europe, I'm gonna go to Europe. And he can be like, all right. And then he could tell you he's gonna break up with you. He could tell you this is my boundary,

but we always break our boundaries. So you say, you know, he could tell you this is my boundary, but like, we always break our boundaries, right? So you could go to Europe and he could be like, all right, fine, no, I'm gonna really see if I can do this. He's not gonna be able to help how he feels. And this is already a man that, like, as, you know, you gave him the grace from cheating on his ex

because you decided that he was put in a position and then triggered and then kind of like, weakly responded to her toxic behavior and that's what, you know, so you're just, again, he is trying to protect himself from himself. You decided you wanted to get in a relationship with a man who was clearly wounded and yet to be healed

and you thought, hey, we can work through anything, but you going to Europe by yourself after him saying, this is gonna be hard for me, is you two not working through anything. Like sure, maybe you can work through anything, but that requires two people willing to, you have to make sure the relationship is the top priority, and a healthy relationship is a top priority. It's really hard to work through anything where you're like, yeah, but I also just want to be me, and I also just kind of want to do what I want to do. Yeah, I know this one is going to trigger you, but this is like, yeah, but I also just want to be me. And I also just kind of want to do what I want to do.

Yeah, I know this is not going to trigger you, but this is like, it's not fair, you know? And if you're worried about fairness and getting your way and keeping score, then tougher to accomplish the anything. Do you have any suggestions? On what specifically? Just like, I guess it's hard for us to like communicate

like certain aspects. Like I'm really good at communicating like how I'm feeling, hard for us to communicate certain aspects. I'm really good at communicating how I'm feeling, but not so great at communicating other things. And he's not great at communicating how he feels about certain situations. I think it's just, it's just kind of having a come to Jesus moment of, I love you.

Or even if that's how you feel, I care about you. You guys have to, again, when I say, what are your relationship goals? It's kind of like, what do we want here? Do we want to do this? And what is this? And what do we want for ourselves in the future? You're 30 years old, you're not 19.

It's easier to just be 19 and be like, I don't know, I like you. It's not that complicated, let's date. As a 30 year old woman, you have to consider what the future looks like with this guy. You have to You have to consider like what path you guys are on, you know? So it's just like sitting down and just being like, I wanna make this work.

I really like despite all the things we talked about, but I really think we're both a little wounded and I think we both came into this relationship with some baggage and like maybe we can do it on our own, but I don't wanna do it on our own and I just, what I want more than anything is to make this work with you. And if you feel the same way, let's go out of our way.

And if that's how you feel, I would acknowledge the importance of that basketball game. I would say, hey listen, I did something, talked to some friends, whatever. I'm sorry for not going. I know it was really important to you and I am really proud of you and I'm sorry I didn't show that.

And next time I'll be there in your special moments and I am really proud of you and I'm sorry I didn't show that and and next time I'll be there in your special moments and then make sure you show up men men want you know, like it's like, you know, it's 2025 We're lucky enough not to hopefully Go to war to go to battle to prove our manhood and you know I do these kind of things that but like men need to feel a certain type of way and need Many men want to feel needed men need to feel a certain type of way. Men wanna feel needed, they wanna feel respected, they wanna feel, and sometimes we have to do little things like coach boys to get that sense of accomplishment

because even maybe, he's a nurse, sounds like. Yeah, yeah, what does it mean? And he can play hero and be a hero sometimes, but a job is a job and maybe he just doesn't get that every day from work or maybe he used to and now work is just this toxic workplace of whatever. I'm just saying it's important for you to pay attention of whatever partner you have,

of the things that make him feel validated, the things that make him have some pride in himself and acknowledge that and support that. It's like that's, I say that to all the ladies out there. Like there's no easier way to get your male partner to hate you than treat him like a useful idiot. If all your boyfriend or your husband is at some point is just like a guy you roll your eyes at

and just kind of does and says stupid things, he's gonna hate you, he's gonna hate you. So like yeah, we just we all want to be respected. You know, we all want to be validated and men need it too. So just look for those ways to like make it feel special. You don't have to love it either. But we all need it. Okay. Is this helpful? Yeah, it's it's nice. Like, because I don't I mean, I don't have like crazy amount of guy friends. So it's nice to hear, you know, the male's perspective and like, I already knew some of this stuff, but like I need to actually do it and like my ego is not my amigo.

Like I need to like put that aside. Yeah. I mean, if this is about a relationship, it's literally not about just you. It's a, it's a we and us thing. So if the priority is we and us, then take actions that show that. And if the priority isn't we and us and the priority is you right now, that's totally okay.

You're only 30, but just like, can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to also wanna be a girlfriend because he already knows what it's like to have a girlfriend who wanted all the benefits of having a boyfriend. Thank you. Also, one last thing, it's probably not easy for him. I bet he hates saying no to you.

I bet he does. So just acknowledge that. Certainly not a perfect guy, but he does not sound like, he sounds like the opposite of a jealous. The man bought you a plane ticket to leave him for your birthday, and then you went on a trip. But everyone has their limits.

Well, it wasn't my actual birthday, it was after my birthday. I spent my birthday. Whatever, I'm just saying. He bought you a ticket to leave, you know, to go on a trip. Like, that's not the actions of a guy who's inherently jealous or insecure.

But everyone has their limits, you know? Just because he's setting this boundary doesn't mean he's some sort of jealous, possessive boyfriend Good luck. He me posted love to know what happens Okay, I'll let you guys know all right take care. Thank you. Enjoy your trip Okay, all right. Well have a good rest of your day. You too. Take care. I appreciate you guys having me on I appreciate you coming on Thanks. All right. Thanks. Goodbye. Bye

I appreciate you coming on. Thanks. All right, thanks, bye-bye. Bye. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp, people. We know how important taking care of your mental health is and how great therapy can be for doing just that. And if you are someone like many people out there who have considered, thought, debated whether therapy is something that could help them, BetterHelp is a great way to try therapy.

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with a guy who ghosted me? Well, why do you wanna get get back with a guy who ghosted me? Well, why do you want to get back together with a guy who ghosted you? Well, um, I really thought that I was in love. We were dating for about a whole summer. So like from April until August, it was kind of like a spring fling essentially and summertime I felt like I was in love. We had like the same values. He was like really easy to talk to. But I could talk to a rock, so that's not really saying much.

But I did feel like I could talk to him pretty easily. And he ghosted me. So it was like overnight he disappeared. And then he came back six months later and tried to start up a conversation with me and I really am considering getting back together with him. Have you asked him why he ghosted you? No, I didn't.

Why not? Cause I think I made him spiral a little bit. Oh, so, well, I mean, maybe you did, but that's not an excuse. I know, but I feel like I'm the problem sometimes. Maybe you are, but like you both could be the problem. I need you to tell me that I'm the problem. Why do you think you're the problem? I can't date casually. So when I meet a guy and I like him, I like immediately want to jump into

a relationship. And so I start planning dates. I start in my mind thinking of a future with him. I can't just go out on a date and have fun. Okay. Well, I mean, listen, what you're describing, isn't that crazy? I mean, it might be crazy for 2025, I suppose, but does it mean you're wrong and they're right, but I think there's a balance. What I'm sensing though from you is just like, you're like, tell me I'm the problem, is like what you said, right?

I had a habit when I was younger, when I didn't get my way, finding it easier to just decide that I was the problem because if I was the problem, then I could fix the problem, then I could fix the problem and then I could get what I wanted. And so it wasn't like, yeah, I guess in some ways, that was a problem and that made me the problem,

but the problem, that really wasn't my motivation and I wasn't really being honest with myself. And so while it was a problem I was doing that, I wasn't aware of that, right? So like, could you have to make a tweak when it comes to when you like a guy of being a little bit more self-aware that things are still early

and that you still have a lot to get to know about this person and just be mindful of that so it reminds you to slow down from time to time? Sure, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for you to, when you meet a guy you like, want to solely focus on that man and the potential of the relationship and visualize what a life with him might be like.

That's not crazy and that's not wrong. And now I know we live in a time in 2025 where every guy, and a lot of women to be honest, wanna just like take it slow or be chill for like three fucking years in a situationship while they have regular sex but don't have to show up as a boyfriend or a girlfriend when their partner says,

hey, I need you to show up for me because I want a partner right now. And they wanna be able to be like, well, I don't know, I'm not, you know, that's some boyfriend shit and we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, you know. We're just dating. But you're not wrong for wanting that.

And so maybe, yeah, you need to tweak that a little bit, sure, but I don't think it requires you to do a 180 and start like taking back men who were not like mature enough to say, hey listen, like this is moving a little fast for me and I don't know if I'm as interested as I thought I was and allow you to get mad at him or upset, and then take a break.

He wasn't mad enough to do that, or mature enough to do that. He just ghosted you, and then he decided to come back, ask for another chance, didn't even show up with a reason, and you're considering taking him back, not even knowing the why? I mean, the why is probably like, you know the answer. He wasn't mature enough to give you an answer

and you don't want to hold him accountable for his lack of maturity. You just want him again and you would rather, it's just easier for you to convince yourself that you're the problem. Yes, essentially, yeah. Okay. I feel like this is a common occurrence though,

like I date these guys or I talk to these guys and then they leave and I have a friend she has a guy like super hooked on her right now and she plays a game with him like she's like just keeps him coming back I mean they've been doing this for like two years and I feel like maybe I'm too easy of a catch and that's why they leave. Maybe. Possibly. It's not so much that you're easier to catch,

but you might be someone who has a hard time enforcing a boundary. It's, you know. And when we sense that someone can enforce a boundary, then it's very easy for us to kinda walk all over them. I don't wanna be walked over. So when you say something that's important to you, you have to follow through, you know,

even if that means not getting what you want. More dates. And so the answer isn't being the girl who like knows how to play men and play games with them and keeps them wrapped around their fingers for two years because it's always back and forth. But maybe you can learn a thing or two from her in terms of like her her ability to stand her ground

and say no, not being worried about his reaction and have the confidence in herself that I'll be okay. That's scary. Sure, yeah. But your fear is what people sense and that sensing of your fear of it's scared to do the thing that you're afraid of is why people feel confident

taking you for granted. And so I come across as easy and not as valuable? A value, but if people know they can get away with something they're gonna try. Mm-hmm. You know? So should I start going on more dates? Cause I haven't been on any good dates recently.

You're always gonna go on more bad dates than good dates. Yeah, that's just how it works. And if all your dates are good, then that is you problem because clearly you do not have enough of like expectations of what a good date should be like. So having bad dates in some way is a good sign that you at least have some expectations of what you like and don't like.

And there are more people in this world who have less in common with you than more in common with you. Which is why meeting someone who you feel connected to, that's what makes it exciting and special, because it's hard to find. Mm-hmm, I can't. But when you like a guy,

the trick is to still be able to tell him what you expect and what you want, and if he's not capable of giving it, just being okay, it's like okay. Move on. Yeah, because if they really care, they will come back. And the difference between you and your friend is she knows that and you don't.

She knows that regardless of what a man says or does in the moment, if he really wants her, he'll come back. And so she stands her ground. So I can text him back and ask him why he goes to me and then go from there? I mean, you know, probably not. You know the why. What do you think would be an answer that would sound like,

oh, well, that's actually a pretty good explanation. I overreacted. Someone died? Okay, even then, it's like you couldn't have called. But then he should have, yeah, communicated that. Yeah. I think that mostly he was just going through a lot possibly and... So you're just guessing. Yeah. And your guess is like the nicest version, which is like he just, he was just going through a lot. Well, I mean, his comeback line wasn't even good. He was just like, hey, I've been thinking about you.

Hope you're okay. That was how he came back after he ghosted me. Yeah, it's like as if he was doing you a favor by thinking about you. Oh, no, I don't like him as much. You taking him back would give him immediate permission to leave again. Yes, because he thinks he can get away with it.

Yeah. Okay, but it's hard to find people who like, I grew up in like a conservative household and he and I have similar like values. Yeah. And I'm finding that very hard to find out here, dating and talking to men. What are those values?

They don't have the same, you know, ready to have kids, let's put a house together. He does not sound like he's ready for either. Right? I always say, every fuck boy eventually is ready to settle down and have a family. They're just not ready yet. How do you get them to be ready for you then?

You stand your ground. You do not try to get them to like you. You do not try to get them to... You tell them exactly what your expectations are or what you need in a relationship and you say, take it or leave it. And you give them one chance. But I feel like that just scares away a lot of men. I guess we're just trying to find. Are you trying to have a lot of men or are you trying to have one man? I'm just trying to have one for sure. So I have to stay on my ground.

Yeah, you're not looking for somebody. You're looking for your person. How old are you again? 27. Yeah, still very young. I'll be 28 in a couple of weeks. Well, happy birthday. All my friends are getting married and finding their person. Good for them.

Half of them will be divorced. Um, I mean, it's true. Smaller sample size, so maybe a quarter of them. But it's just not a race. It's like, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter. Be happy for your friends. Be excited for your friends. Be happy for your friends, be excited for your friends, be optimistic for your friends, and be their friend.

But it has nothing to do with your life and your timeline and doesn't say anything about your ability to find love, especially healthy love. I mean, it's just not a race. How do you know if your expectations are too high? Like what are your, I mean, I'm guessing they're not. Like that I'm, I was willing to take a guy back to, without any explanation.

I don't know, what do you think is reasonable behavior? Just like common sense, you have common sense. You need to use your common sense. And you have to stop trying to convince yourself that you're the problem because it's, you know, because like that's easier than getting rejected a few times. What's funny is like when you talk to other people,

I'm like the clear answer is so clear. But like when it comes to yourself, you feel like you're so different. Well, because you're, you know, you're emotionally invested, your ego takes over. You know, it's just like also, you know, it's like we wanna be empathetic and we wanna be nice

and we wanna be self-aware and like all these things that allow us to convince ourselves that we're the problem or there's something we can do, but that's why it's good to have a friend or two that we know is always gonna be honest with us or a therapist or just someone we can bend their ear and hold ourselves accountable. Because yeah, it is always harder to take our own advice

because you are emotionally invested in the outcome and you're not emotionally invested in the outcome of other callers you listen to or when you give advice to people, you're not invested. So when we're invested, it's harder to see more clearly. So that's all. I think you know the answers. You just have to use a little common sense.

And listen, don't apologize for knowing what you want, but when you like a guy, just, it's like I know I like you and I want to date. There's a lot, we still have a lot to get to know about each other and I don't know if you're my guy but I do like, I do see a lot of potential. And when you talk to yourself, it's the same thing. I'm really excited about him and I wonder what it would be like to settle down with this person but you know, I still have to learn about them and I have to be open to

being wrong. And you know, and is you just kind of keeping your, you know, that if you're going to be honest, that I have to be open to being wrong. If you're going to be honest, that's how you be honest with yourself. You just kind of take it day by day. But that honesty about knowing that you still have a lot to learn about them stops you from being the person who does actually want to play house and add a little too much pressure or demand that you, three months in, that we introduce each other through our parents because I need that benchmark that really means nothing, but you tell yourself it means something.

It's like forcing next steps that aren't necessary. You wanna learn about just how they behave. You wanna observe them. You have to be patient and listen and observe when we get to know people at times and just be open to being wrong. I met his family like two weeks in. Yeah.

And like, That didn't mean anything. Exactly. Okay. Because meeting people's parents means different things to different people. So I can't take some back? You can do whatever you want.

But, you know, if you want to make progress and if you want to start incorporating some of these behaviors we talked about, and you want to make real change, if you are part of the problem, your problem is not holding yourself accountable and enforcing boundaries and having that self-respect. Okay, so I'm not gonna take that. I wanted to know why he really did those moves, but I guess we know that he just wasn't ready. Because he thought he didn't care.

He either didn't care or he met someone else he liked a little bit better than you and that fell through and now he's texting you back because he's bored. That's not what I wanted to hear. I mean, if it was some profound thing where he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and he has to do anything to get you back, I don't think a text being like,

hey, I've been thinking about you, hope you're good, it would be what he would do. Yeah, okay. He's just honestly testing, he's curious. He's wondering how much power he has over you. Okay, well he doesn't have any. He has a little. But you can change that real quick.

Yeah, but you have to let it go. You have to just accept that this is a man who ghosted me and I don't fuck with those type of people. I don't give second chances for bad behavior. Certainly not someone that I have no history or emotional connection with. It's not like you guys have a three year relationship and a child together or whatever and he fucked up

and as much as he fucked up, he's really sorry and really willing to do the work and goes out of his way to actually take action to do some work without you making, this is not what this is. This is a guy you hung out with for a little bit at a time and got bored and disappeared and now is like hoping that you don't have any self respect. Okay.

Okay. Yes. All right. Thanks. Mm-hmm, okay. Okay. Yes. All right. Thanks. My pleasure, good luck out there. I'm not gonna call. All right, well. Okay.

Why don't you just go ahead and block them? I can. Yeah, definitely can, probably should. Mm-hmm, okay, I will. All right, good luck out there. Bye-bye. All right. Thank you. Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

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for 20% off plus free shipping. How's it going? Hey Nick, how are you? I'm good. What's your name? My name is Megan and I'm 38 years old. How can I help Megan? Well, I am in love with my best friend of about 17 years and I need to figure out how to let this go. This is not working for me at all. Okay. Well, why are you having a hard time letting it go? You know, I think that that is the biggest part that I'm struggling with.

We met in long time ago. I've always been interested in him and he has been vocal about the fact that he does not feel the same way. It wasn't a big deal or the longest time. I just kind of let it go. He had his relationships. I had mine, whatever. But he opened a business a couple of years ago. And I thought that it would be a great idea to just push my way right in there. They weren't hiring. They don't have any other employees. And I was just like, I'm going to work here. And they eventually were just like, okay, fine. So now I work there. And since that happened, our relationship has just become so much closer.

So we see each other all the time. We talk all the time. Like if, if it's slow at work, we could sit there for five hours and just be chatting. But nothing has changed on his end in terms of like, yeah, you're my friend and I think you're cool and I like talking to you, but I'm not looking for anything else. No, no, definitely not. And I'm not delusional to that fact. And I feel like it's not even the point that he doesn't want to be with me. That's the issue is that I won't let it go. So he uses me a lot as like his emotional support.

Why do you describe it as uses you? Well, I guess I shouldn't. I mean, sometimes I do actually feel that way. I don't doubt that. I try to put up boundaries with him more than once. Like what? Don't talk to me about girl problems that you're having and I can be your friend and support you in other things, but I don't want our conversations to always focus

on all of the girls that are surrounding you all the time. But then when I put up that boundary and he follows it, we don't talk probably at all. Well, when I was single and dating, or even now, I don't have a lot of girlfriends who I wouldn't wanna, you know, like that's why I had girlfriends and my girlfriends, I mean, friends that were women to talk about girl stuff, you know, like talk about who I was dating. And I mean, he has told me, he's like, I'm really sorry, but like you give good advice

and you're a girl and you listen. So that's why he's like, I know I understand that it sucks. Yeah, I mean, I guess my point is you have to take, listen, you've described to this friend for 17 years, right? That's a long period of time. And you said, I wanna get over this, right? So like I, you know, immediately you just, you clearly need some tough love here, right? Like because 17 years. 17 years.

You're just like, you're just not the victim in any sense of the way when it comes to how he makes you feel. Because he has been pretty clear. More clear than like a lot of guys. Like some guys will be like, oh I just wanna be friends with you and then like you'll have a weak moment

and you'll, you know. A lot of times these stories, you know, include like one night we got drunk and we hooked up and things got even weirder but now we're like, it sounds like nothing like that's ever happened. Never. He has been steadfast in his communication

and boundary when it comes to how he feels or doesn't feel about you. You admitted that like, you kind of forced your way in to working for his company. Again, under the expectations that he was honest with you about how he felt about you. So you coming and saying, hey, I'm gonna work here, is you saying with your actions,

I understand and respect your boundaries. I'm okay with how you feel about me, but I still wanna be around you and work with you and for you. And then, out of proximity, because you guys work together, yeah, I mean, you and for you. And then, you know, out of proximity, because you guys work together, yeah, I mean, you know, you built a relationship. And that relationship was like asking your advice.

And you're just like, what? I like you though, but you can't talk to me about that stuff, you know? And then he respects that, and then you get upset because now you don't have the friend that you like to talk to about so much. You know, it's just like, you gotta pick a side, you know? You are torturing yourself.

He is not using you. You are allowing yourself to feel used because you continue to put yourself in a vulnerable environment. Right, and so I'm not sure, do I remove myself from the environment? Well, how much do you need this job versus like, what's your ability to get another job

or a better job or a different job? I mean, I definitely could get a different job. It's not the most convenient job for me, but I do enjoy it. Do you enjoy it because you get to be around him or you enjoy the work or do you enjoy the money? Honestly, all of it, I would say. So other than not being able to work around him,

how much, what else would you be losing if you got a different job? I guess I wouldn't necessarily be losing really much of any. Well then maybe there's your answer. What I'm hearing is I'm wet, I wanna get dry, but I don't wanna get out of the pool. Yes, and I just, maybe I can't find a ladder.

I understand that in some aspects, I feel like I'm being kind of stubborn about it because for some reason in my brain, I keep thinking that like, if I do this or if, and he's not asking me to do these things. In 17 years, it hasn't clicked. He's not gonna like you, not this way. You just gotta move on. do these things. In 17 years, it hasn't clicked. He's not going to like you.

Not this way. You just got to move on. It just doesn't feel that way about you. It's okay. And I guess I just wonder if keeping the friendship... Not friends. You're not friends. You are a person who is for 17 years has convinced herself of pretending to be this guy's friend just so you can be

around him in the hopes that he would one day wake up and magically see you differently. But you've never been friends, not in the way that you've been friends with some of your other actual friends. The way you're friends with people you are not romantically interested in and not hoping for something different, it's a completely different relationship, right? Yes, I guess that is very true. and not hoping for something different, it's a completely different relationship, right? Yes, I guess that is very true. I guess we don't really move in a way

that I would with any of my other friends, whether they're male or female, I guess. Correct, yeah. So he's not your friend. I guess that that one's a little hard to swallow. Yeah. Yeah, listen, it's a very direct, tough way of describing your relationship and I am being direct and tough for a reason.

You're waiting for something and that's your problem. You're waiting to get over it or you're waiting for him to change. The only way that something's going to change is you decide to do something rather than waiting for something to happen. Your only option for deciding to do something is to just make a decision and stop acting like this is your friend who just doesn't see you, that is gonna turn into something.

You have always made exceptions for this guy in this relationship because you've wanted something else from him. Well then I guess I'm not really his friend either. I mean, yeah, you've both clearly been friends to each other. There's probably a lot of respect. He would probably go out of his way for you

because he probably cares about you as a person and vice versa. But there is a big asterisk in this relationship because of the thing that you want that he doesn't wanna give you. And yeah, it makes a lot of, I'm sure, your actions less sincere because you have an alternative motive.

Right. Oh, that sucks. I mean, I did want to talk to you for this specific reason. If I talk to my friends about it, they're very gentle with me about it, even though they all also agree that I need to just get out of there and forget about it. I mean, it's been 17 years.

He is never coming around. Right. I guess the sooner that I actually let that sink in, the better. When I had originally ran in, it was kind of like there was a lot of explosions going on in the relationship. And now it's kind of like settled down to where... Why explosions?

Like you would get fed up with him not liking you? No, there... We ended up having a bit of an argument because there was a situation where I was kind of stranded somewhere and I was hoping that he would like let me chill in his house for a little while or something but before I could go home. He suggested that I contact one of our customers where we work and go stay with them instead. So I did, but I was like, this is so weird. Why am I going to stay with strangers when you are right there?

Because he's not your friend. He knows you like him, and he doesn't want to cross that boundary. Right. Well, he explained to me that pretty much. And the conversation just kind of went on from there and he ended up telling me that he feels like I have essentially had like a force field around him for the last 17 years and that he feels like that makes it so like I push other people away from him and that we could

never be together, that we would only last three days, like it was a pretty intense blow up. So after that I did try to like change my thinking and be like okay this is obviously not working. So then we had a conversation and I told him that I think that we should like take a little break from like talking all the time and hanging out. And now since we did that, now we just like don't talk or hang out at all. And I guess that that is good. It is helping. Listen, for you, this is gonna feel like a breakup.

Yeah, it does. It really does. That's understandable. It doesn't for him. No, no. And again, he said a lot of honest things and he has a right to be frustrated because you've done more manipulating

in this relationship than he ever has. He's been very clear about his feelings and you've had a very hard time accepting that, so much so that you decided to work for him without even offering a job. Yeah, I didn't really plan that out very well. Listen, it is what it is, but if you're really sincere about getting over this and moving on with your life and just accepting that this guy doesn't want to date you, then you need to do just that. And you need to just move on and get a different job and stop pretending that this guy's your friend,

he's not your friend, and you gotta stop wasting your and his energy by getting mad at him for not wanting you to sleep at his house. I mean, I can definitely see where and why he would put that boundary up. But at the time it just felt like a lot of things coming at once were. I'm sure it was.

I'm sure he has tried to be nice and not be a jerk and have to tell you every day, I don't wanna date you, but I think every once in a while you get a little too comfortable and you get a little too hopeful when like, you feel like he's opening up to you and then you read that as maybe some kind of sign and then maybe you do some things, you don't even realize you're doing it because you like him and you don't want other women to date him and you don't want him to look anywhere else. And you do want him to look at you a certain way and you project that onto him

and it probably gets a little frustrating for him. And you've probably made him feel uncomfortable at times in a way where he didn't wanna have to suggest you to, he didn't wanna have to reject you. He's already done that multiple times. But, and I say this with love, you won't go away. I mean, you're not wrong. So, you know, it's...

So just go away. Yeah, I mean, accept reality, accept his answer, and stop pretending you're his friend, and stop pretending you're just friends, because you're definitely not just friends. You clearly can be friendly with each other and clearly there's some respect mutually between the two of you. But you like him and he doesn't like you.

And you just need to accept that and move on and stop trying to have your cake and eat it too and stop torturing yourself by spending all this time with a man that you like who doesn't like you. Yeah, because I feel like in the long run it really has like prohibited me from being in, you know. Oh my God. Yeah, you have no idea how much this has costed you.

So much. I mean, even the last couple of guys that I have dated would tell me like, why are you even here with me? Why don't you go be with this guy? Again, I don't think you can even comprehend how much this has costed you. The experiences, people, interactions, friends, you've wasted so much time and energy on someone who never asked you to waste it, and you just gave it away.

I guess that's a very valuable thing that I will take away from this, that he didn't ask me to do it, but I'm doing it to myself. Yeah. I wish we all saw our time and energy as this tangible thing like money. And I wish we could like look at the energy we have as like the way we can look at our bank accounts. And I wish we could have the ability

to see how much energy it would cost us to do any one thing or action so that we could decide, oh, if I spend energy here, then I won't have the ability to put energy there. And I think if we had the ability to do that, we would stop wasting a lot of our time and energy. But we don't, and we take it for granted constantly. And you've taken it for granted for 17 years. And it's incomprehensible, the energy you've wasted. And it definitely is wasted. It has been wasted the entire time. It's the equivalent of like,

you're just paying this person money that they didn't literally ask for, but they don't even want it. But you're just like, I'm still gonna give it to you. It's like you show up at his front door and left an envelope full of cash every day for 17 years. And like it blew away in the wind because you left it at his front door and left an envelope full of cash every day for 17 years. And like it blew away in the wind because you left it on his front porch and he didn't take it because he didn't want it. So it got lost somewhere else and now that's all gone and you can never get it back.

I mean, when you put it that way, I should be pretty frustrated with But listen. For being in this for so long. The solution to wasting your time and energy isn't to pine over how much time and energy you've wasted. It's just fucking stop and get out of the pool so you can get dry. Just quit the job. Like I feel like if I,

but I think that this is also, you know, just going back to the whole issue is like, I've considered quitting multiple times but then I'm like, I don't wanna disappoint him. oh I don't wanna disappoint him. I don't wanna put him. He doesn't care, he doesn't care. He'll be thrilled, he'll be thrilled.

I mean, I feel like I am valuable. I'm not saying you're not, I'm not saying you're not. But like this, like. You think he would be thrilled? I just think, you know, I'm sure he'll miss part of you but like I'm just, again, like it's just, you're probably a lot, you know? you, but again, it's just, you're probably a lot, you know? And you're probably, it's just like,

I am. The cost of having him work for you isn't just what he pays you, it's just like, you're just a lot, you know? You're not the first person that's told me that. I don't even, I'm just basing it on the fact. You don't even know me. I don't even know you.

You don't even know me. But if you even know you. You don't even know me. But if you can be obsessed with a guy for 17 years and force your way into work for him and not take a hint, then clearly you are a lot. And those types of people are just a lot. And you still have a lot of life, still young, you still got a lot going for you, just stop doing this shit.

I'm gonna hear you saying that in my head over and over. You get to listen to it, in a few weeks, you get to listen to it back too. Oh my God, I'm dread hear you saying that in my head over and over. You get to listen to it, in a few weeks you get to listen to it back too. Oh my god, I'm dreading that. Well you should listen to it. You just, you gotta quit the job, let it go, move on. Like I can tell, it's just not registering with you because now you're like, well he might let him down. He'll live, he'll be fine.

And if he really needs you that bad, he can pay you double if you know, if you're that valuable. Fair. You know, yeah. I mean, it is sinking in. I definitely hear it. I obviously am just having trouble applying it, but I guess I just have to do it

and stop telling myself that there's 100 reasons not to, when there's one good reason to stop and that is to just save myself from doing this for another 17 years. Yeah, but again, I wish you could quantify what you're giving up and it's too bad you can't because it's impossible and you're so used to doing this that like, I mean you could have seen the world, you know, you could have, who knows, you could have gone to college, you could have learned a new language, you could have seen the world, you know, you could have, who knows, you could have gone to college. You could have learned a new language. You could have built a business, you know, like if you would have taken all that energy invested in him, invested in yourself, who knows where you'd be right now.

I think that I've had that problem my whole life, just in general, where I'm investing everywhere else. Well, I don't know. I've invested in the box everywhere else. Maybe that, have you gotten therapy? Maybe it's something you could explore. I certainly have. I've had a lot of therapy. It doesn't seem to be working.

Is it always the same therapist? I don't know. Have you talked about this with your therapist? No, not this situation as it is right now. I feel like I have talked everyone to death about it, you know, just in general over time. Betty, have you talked to your therapist, a therapist about him? Not recently. When did you?

Like, I mean, over the course of time as things have come up, like maybe, I don't know, when I started working here or- How long ago was that? About two and a half years ago. Well, I mean, listen, like you're only going to get out of therapy what you're willing to discover, you know? and I started working here or. How long ago was that? About two and a half years ago. Well, I mean, listen, like, you're only gonna get out of therapy what you're willing to discover, you know?

It's like, if you don't show up with a plan, it's like, you know. I think I'm realizing that I don't, I think maybe I just don't want to. So, like, I guess I have to change my mindset to, like, no, this is something that you have to do and you need to do whether you wanna do it or not. Yeah, but I've, you know, for you, you gotta stop looking at, like, no, this is something that you have to do and you need to do whether you want to do it or not. Yeah, but for you, you got to stop looking at like you have to give up something and you got to start looking at like what you could be gaining from this.

I guess that might make it a little bit easier to handle. You also have to be willing to want to gain some from it. You have to be willing to like, you know, if you're using the envelope analogy, whatever, if you're going to stop dropping envelopes of cash on his front door, but just like start just throwing it out your window, what's the difference? But I wanna see you take that envelope of cash and investing yourself, you know, you know what I'm saying? Actually do something with it.

That benefits you. But yeah, it's gonna take a while to reprogram your brain. Quitting the job is just the first step, but like you just have to like move on from that guy. Block him, he won't care, he'll be glad. Yeah, I feel like at this point, it's more of a habit than anything else. You just won't go away and you're there

and you're just like, all right, well, I'm gonna talk, I'm not gonna be a dick to her. I mean, he tells me that I'm his best friend. Yeah, I mean, you've done a lot of probably nice things for him. I'm sure at times he's said and done things that have maybe slightly confusing or maybe he shouldn't have said some things

given the context of your relationship, but like you clearly are stubborn, persistent, and can't take a hint, and he's just made it, he's made the most of a situation where you just like won't go away. Oh God, now I feel like I'm a psycho. There's a little bit of psycho behavior in what you're doing for sure.

Oh no, oh God. There's still time, you know, there's still hope. Let's not dwell on what you've done wrong, let's try to focus on the future. But it is good for you to like, you need to wake up. And the fact that you can be like, yeah I've only worked for him for two and a half years and have that be such a small part

of this whole story is crazy. But again, you're still young enough to look back on this period of your life and maybe a little frustrated with yourself, but if nothing else, just be glad that you're no longer that person and use that as a blueprint to remind yourself to not waste any more time because

you've wasted so much. You know, maybe this is a long-term blessing. I don't know, but it really comes down to how you want to apply it and expect more from yourself. You know, I think I definitely, I definitely needed the tough love. That is exactly what I needed to hear from you for sure. what I needed to hear from you for sure. I mean, I know these things in my head, but it's different when somebody who is not involved at all can see it in a matter of 20 minutes. Well, yeah, 17 years is a big number. So it is, even two and a half would be too big.

Correct, yeah. What are you gonna do? Like, I feel like I really need to quit working there. Saying for 100% that I'm going to is really difficult. We'll start looking for a job. Get off the phone and start looking for a job. Right now, I want your energy to go into looking for another job.

And I don't even necessarily need the job. It's like, it's just a- This is a part-time job? Yeah, it's not any of my main jobs. So you don't even need to replace this job. This is a something- Not really. Jesus Christ.

I mean, it's always nice to have money. You know, I always need money. Well. But it's not like if I woke up tomorrow and this job was not there. Go volunteer, I don't know. Go join a club or get another part-time job that you have fun doing.

And it's not even close to me. I have to travel like an hour away to get there. That's psychotic. It's a little crazy. It's a little pathetic. It's a little nuts. Well, stop little pathetic. It's a little nuts. Well, stop being nuts. You're not crazy.

You're just stuck. You're stuck in a big time way. And if I were you, I would shift your energy to like do anything you can to get unstuck. I would get back into therapy and I wouldn't talk about him as much, but like I would acknowledge and say, hey, this is a situation I recently got out of,

it's been a real struggle for me, I'd like to unpack why I've had such a hard time accepting a man who's been pretty clear and honest and direct with me the whole time, and I'd love to know why I don't invest in myself as much as I invest in other people, and I'd love to unpack that, and my goal of sitting down with you

is to really try to get better at investing in myself and get out of life what I want out of life. And I don't know what your long-term goals are, relationship goals, if you wanna settle down and meet someone, you know, I would, you know, talk about like, eventually I wanna meet someone, but I wanna be in the right place, you know. I wanna have things in my life I'm proud of

outside of a man. Yeah, that's been a struggle. Well, that, so struggle for a long time. Yeah, well, I don't imagine, but it's even harder when you don't have the energy to do it because your energy has been so focused on something else. Yeah, I definitely don't. I'm very aware that I don't invest nearly as much

into myself as I do in trying to fix everything else around me instead. That's just, yeah, my guess, my very unprofessional guess is that you're just afraid of what that will discover and it's, you know, you don't want to unpack it. You know, you're just afraid of what that means and you're afraid of the challenge. It's like, you know, using the same pool analogy, it's like you know the pool's cold, you don't want to jump in, you're just of the challenge. It's like, you know, using the same pool analogy, it's like you know the pool's cold, you don't wanna jump in, you're just standing on the ledge and it's just easier to motivate other people to jump in the pool who, like, after they jump in,

they're like, actually, it's not that bad. Yeah, I think that's a good analogy. The pool is really working for us here. So listen, like, just want more for yourself, you know? But you gotta at least get to a point where you're like, I don't know how to get there, but I do know I need help and I need to stop doing this and start there. Quit the job, find a therapist,

make sure you find the right therapist, but go in there with a purpose and what you wanna work on. And the friends that you do have, ask them to hold you accountable to like, hey, I wanna work on myself. I really wanna focus on taking care of myself and try to do that.

I think that they would all appreciate that. Yeah, it starts by letting this guy go. I mean, everybody tells me that that's what I need to do. I'm being stubborn by taking my time on making that decision. You're only wasting more time. I would, you know, you wasted enough. You're not crazy. You just have some things you wanna work on.

You just have to have the guts to work on them. Yeah, getting the guts to work on them, I think is the tricky part. I guess I am probably a little scared about what I would find out about myself. That you're imperfect. You know, that's all you're gonna, you know, big picture, that's all you're gonna discover.

But you also might discover what you're imperfect, that's all you're gonna, big picture, that's all you're gonna discover. But you also might discover what you're capable of and what you've been under appreciating about yourself and how you've been taking yourself for granted. And you might discover a better life. The only negative you're gonna unpack is just to acknowledge what you already know is that you're not perfect. I mean, I've called you delusional,

I've called you pathetic. I've, like, not you, but how you're being. You're calling me a lot of names today. You know, you're not perfect. No one is. So, like, it's not gonna be that bad. There's a lot to gain from wanting to change some things in your life.

Yeah, because facing myself worth over whether men want me or not has not been working out at all. Correct. You only need one one and he ain't it. No. And no one's going to love you the way you want to be loved because you're just not, you know, not to sound like, I know it sounds like almost like a something you put on a wall, but you got to love yourself before anyone can love

you though, you know, it's the end. You don't, you do not love yourself the way you want to be loved. So it's just like, you got to start doing that. Get your shit together. I definitely need to get my shit together. You can do it. I'm hoping that, that this will be a good push to begin. All right, good luck.

Keep us posted. I'd love a progress report. You know, I just might, you know, do a good job on this just so that you can tell me I'm not pathetic. You're not pathetic, but your actions are pathetic right now. Yes, they are, I agree. I'm gonna try to make myself proud in this situation here.

Good, that's a good start. Thank you for the tough love, and that's exactly what I needed, I appreciate it. Anytime, just, you have a lot left, stop wasting it. Thank you. All right. All right, thank you. Take care. All right, thank you. Take care.

All right, bye-bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.