The Weekly Planet - The Dumbest Venom Story Of All Time - Caravan Of Garbage

Episode Date: October 14, 2018

The Venom movie is kicking all sorts of goals so for this week's Caravan Of Garbage we revisit a classic (in a bad way) story from the 90's which sees Eddie Brock take on Ghost Rider, a church, a dictator, a man that's half a spider, a woman powered by Jesus or something, it's really a comic...that was made.Video Edition ► https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JhGebKad20If you want to support the show by doing practically nothing, shop at Amazon via this link: http://goo.gl/57ZYsn. A small percentage goes our way at no extra cost to you. Or something.Also if you're from outside the US just visit the link then go to your countries page and it should work. I guess. I dunno. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast is part of the Planet Broadcasting Network. Visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from our great mates. Hey everybody, it's Caravan of Garbage, it's me Maceo. And it's me James, everybody's here. Who's it? The two of us. Dog, no, dog's here. Dog's here, three of us. Yeah, dog's here.

I love Caravan of Garbage, Maceo, sometimes. Me too. Yeah, right? What time specifically? When it's either really bad. Mm-hmm. Nah, just when it's really bad. Yeah, I don't like it when it's really good bad no just when it's really bad yeah i don't like it

when it's really good when you and it feels disappointing as well because when you get into it and you're like you're like oh i've i've got the perfect this looks this looks like it's going to be bad let's make fun of it and then you read it and you're like it's just average yeah right yeah you're right that's probably the worst example well i hope you've bloody what have you got today mason is what i'm saying well you said to me yeah uh hey venom's coming out the venom movie with tom hardy and you said hey can you think of a bad or good venom story and i thought of a bad venom story like that that i read back in the day and i'm like this is bad but then i had this thought did i imagine it like because it's so i recall it being so dumb that maybe it was a parody?

Yeah, right. Like, Marvel used... Back in the day, they used to have a comic called What The? And it was like their... Instead of, like, Spider-Man, it was Spooderman or whatever. Right, right, right.

It's like their Mad Magazine or whatever. Yeah, it was like their Mad Magazine. And I'm like, maybe it was a parody in that. Okay. But no, it's real. Oh, it's real good. So I went and I looked is from nine this is a venom story from 1997 god so so radical we all remember we all remember comic book fans now will know that venom's had a lot

of different incarnations he's been a hero he's been an anti-hero he's been a villain he's had different people take the roles we know that uh he's had legs no legs no legs we've had flash thompson peter parker's former bully yep in high school he'd be he lost his legs in the war and he became a government agent yes yes they gave him the the venom symbiote and he loves it and he loved it but did you know that he that venom was also a government agent in the 90s this isn't the first time i was not aware of that yeah was it brief it was brief it was yeah it was like did i know this you might have done important no it's really not what he's been a government agent. Was it brief? It was brief. It was, yeah. It was like, did I know this? You might have known this. It's not important.

No, it's really not important. It's not what he's known for. It's not important and it's not good. Okay. That's what I'm clear about. So what, this is, this is 1997. This is a storyline called Sign of the Boss. Right, right, right.

Little play on Sign of the Cross there. Oh, that's good. Right. This was 1997 and this was like three or four months, I reckon, after Men in Black came out. So he's working for a secret government agency. He's got two handlers called Agent Smith and Agent Jones, and they're quite generic.

One's a man and one's a lady, but they're still quite generic. Right. Smith and Jones. Smith and Jones, yeah. Amazing. And he is like, I believe they've implanted a bomb in him, so he has suicide squad style. So if he doesn't complete his missions, they're going to blow him up.

But this storyline begins with him swinging through New York City. He's singing a little. Okay, also what you need to know about, he's singing for starters. He looks like a deranged Santa. Yeah, he's got a big sack on his back. What you need to know about this version is that when Venom was created originally in like 1980, I want to say 89-ish,

he was this grim, homicidal, terrifying monster character. But by 1997, he was probably one of the dumbest characters Marvel had. Like at this point, he's sort of somewhere between the Joker and the mask. Like they've just combined them together. I guess because there's spookier symbiotes by this point, right? Yeah, I guess so.

Or symbiotes, whatever you say. And also, what was the clone saga? I think maybe what happened was Spider-Man got grimmer. Yeah. And so they were like, well, he needs, Venom needs to be a contrast or we'll make him sillier. Smart. Right, so he's swinging through New York City.

He's got a mysterious sack on his back, right? He's just swinging about. He's singing the Venom Man theme song, which is just the Spider-Man, you know, Spider-Man, except it's Venom Man. That's very good. Right, he's doing that. That's a fun little thing.

But he's not called Venom Man. He's not called Venom Man. It's true. You've got him on that. Do you want to be the one to argue that to him? That's fine. He can be Venom Man. He's not called Venom Man. It's true. You've got him on that. Do you want to be the one to argue that to him? That's fine. He can be Venom Man. That's true, exactly, right?

And a lot of people in the city are like, oh, my God, it's not Spider-Man. But then he drops into his sweet secret government... He's got a sweet government agent bachelor pad, which contains all the mod cons. He's got big weights. He's got a comfy sofa. I feel like those weights aren't big enough. He's got a old well he also he doesn't need him yeah it's superhuman strength but also but then he pops down onto his couch and he cracks open the sack revealing hundreds

of chocolate bars because by this point i'm not sure if you're aware of this by this point in the in the venom continuity they discover that when theom symbiote can be sort of... Its homicidal tendencies can be abated, placated, abated by eating chocolate. Right. That's how far this character has fallen by 1997. That's a real situation, isn't it? It's like if you were reading or watching a movie or something about vampires and they're like, the murderous lust of the vampire can only be sated by the death of innocence.

All this glass of grape juice. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Like, what's even the point? Well, that's Twilight. You could just drink animal blood. I guess that's probably true, yeah. So anyway, the generic agents come in and they're like, we've got a mission for you, Venom. Right. There's a dictator, an international dictator,

is going to a local church in the Bronx to do a speech. Okay. He's changed his homicidal ways, his murderous, dictatorial ways. And he's moved to NYC. Yeah, he's doing some sort of speaking tour. And they're like, what you want? We want you to protect this guy. We want you to bloody... Oh, I thought they were going to be like're going to be like take him out kill him no no they want to kill him

in church they want to they want venom to shadow this guy okay uh and like if anything happens but the guy doesn't know that he's being shadowed doesn't know he's being shadowed this is a this is super sacred yeah so smith and jones oh so venom can the venom symbiote can transform into into any form of clothing so if he's going into a church priest no none correct yes right again this is how fun it could just be a guy no rando guy but that wouldn't be wacky would it no it wouldn't be very wacky right it wouldn't be what i'm talking about i wasn, it wouldn't be very wacky. You see what I'm talking about, right? I wasn't thinking about how it was. Is he Deadpool?

Are they just making him Deadpool? Yeah, he is a little bit, yeah. He is a bit Deadpool. It's incredibly Deadpool. But also, it wouldn't be, like, it wouldn't be a, you don't want to just be like a simple go and protect the guy. There needs to be an additional wrinkle. So who else is going in to see this dictator speak?

But Danny Ketch, who is the current holder of the Ghost Rider demon. So he's going in as well. And I like, there's a little introduction to Danny Ketch and his friend, Melissa. And it says, Danny Ketch and Melissa Morrow,

students and friends. They're students and friends. That's nice. And there's a lot of expository dialogue. Here's the thing, though. This is supposed to be a big reveal that he's Ghost Rider. It's going to happen later. But if you look at the splash page at the front of the issue,

it just says he's Ghost Rider. Right. So had he not been introduced as Ghost Rider prior to this? He had been, but not in this book. Okay, gotcha. Not in Phantom. But anyway, there's a lot of expository dialogue they're like, you know

we're going to see this guy and Ketch is like, I hope this isn't going to be bloody boring. Anyway, he's a nice, this is Sister Edwina this is Eddie Brock as it... Oh, he's kept his regular face. He's kept his regular face and his Venom height. So he's like 7 foot 6

and a nun, but nobody seems to notice. And here's the thing also, he doesn't, like Venom and Church shouldn't mix. Church is the home of his tortured origin. Yeah. Where he was going to kill himself. Yes, I remember. In the church and then the Venom symbiote sort of envelops him. I've seen Spider-Man 3.

And it's also the place of his most humiliating defeat. Yes. Where Spider-Man lures him to a church and then he rings the church bells and the Sonics, like, disrupt him and then he's finally defeated. I've seen Spider-Man 3. Exactly. But in this, he's just like, yeah, I'll go to church. I'll dress as a nun. It's pretty.

There's like an offhanded reference to, like, don't sing too loud because the symbiote will get mad or whatever, right? People file into the church the your dictator pops in he's got some sort of he's got some superpowered backup here he's got an existing superpowered bodyguard okay that's good right and it troubles a foot but then like we get some generic terrorists pop out of the crowd they start shooting into the air they're like everybody bloody stop what you're doing stop what you what you're doing. Stop being a church. And his bodyguard seems to be some sort of...

She's some sort of Jesus-powered superhero? Right, okay. It's never really explained. What superpowers does she have? She's, like, fast and she can fly. Oh, you're like Jesus.

Look, what we get here in this comic book is the introduction of several incredibly generic... They're the most 90s superheroes that exist. They're kind of visually interesting, but they're also immediately forgettable. Right.

And disposable? Yeah, incredibly disposable. So on the side of the dictator, we have this lady. I believe her name is Stigmata. Very good. She's powered by Jesus. And on the other side, we have this guy, Tarachnid, And on the other side, we have this guy, Tarachnid, who you'd think is just a man in a trench coat with a lot of sticks coming out of underneath instead of legs.

But no, no, no. He's a weird spider man. He's a weird spidery robot man. And he's got a big old flowing mane of hair. I don't mind that one. Yeah, it's not bad. I like the reveal. It's pretty good, right? But I'll ask you tomorrow what he looks like and what his name is. You won't remember. I won't mind that one. It's not bad, alright? I like the reveal. It's pretty good, right? But I'll ask you tomorrow what he

looks like and what his name is. You won't remember. I won't know. Yeah, exactly. But anyway. I've already... Arachnode? Arachman. Tarachnid. Tarachdoid. Tarachnord. Yes. Oh no, now I'm forgetting. Anyway, they have a little tussle. Tarachnord.

What's Venom doing during all this? He can't... He's not allowed to move until he gets a signal. Okay, right. Right. And so, so these two are having at it. He's just there. Oh, and also,

Daddy Ketch is immediately knocked out in the tussle. He's completely useless. You can knock out the Ghost Rider? Well, yeah. I guess he's not.

Yeah, exactly. Basically, just Venom's like, he's super wacky. He's like, ooh, Mr. Terrorist, don't hurt us. Oh, like he's a bit camp in this. Yeah, right. Basically, just Venom's like, he's super wacky. He's like, ooh, Mr. Terrorist, don't hurt us. Oh, like he's a bit camp in this. He's very camp in this storyline.

But anyway, Stigmata gets like a sting. She gets stung by T'Rak and she's out of action. And then the agents who are outside are just like, all right, we should, troubles afoot. Let's give our generic signal to generic Eddie Brock. And he transforms into Venom. And he spooks those nuns. Nice good work.

We got a little nun immediately passing out. Pretty good. He kills some terrorists. Or just beats. It's very violent. There's no brutal murders really in this. Right, so it's not one of those tearing heads off. I think what they did is they PG-er-fined him.

Right, okay. Well, that sounds familiar. Mason. I mean, Sony. Yeah. Yeah. Was this also maybe when the Spider-Man cartoon was happening? And he couldn't have been too murderous.

There was probably something going on at that time. There would have been, yeah. But here's the thing. He's all quips. Yeah, right. He's just quips, and he's just funny sayings, and he's just... Give me an example. Okay.

He says, he's saying, praise the Lord and pass the ammo. Good stuff. A bit of that's a good start. That's like a Deadpool thing. It really is. He jumps in front of some terrorists and he says, why are you pointing those things at people? They might go off and kill somebody. That's good.

Fun bit of stuff there. He offers a kid one of his chocolate bars. He's still got the chocolate on him. Yeah. He's sorry for all the violence, kid. Hope you understand that only adults should do this kind of thing. All right. Very good.

Have some chocolate. Let's see. There's some generic fight sequences. He has a crack at taracanid. It's some spider on spider action. Absolutely. I knew this is what you were after. That's exactly what I'm after.

He rips off one of Taraknan's legs and stabs him with it. Very good. That's good. I like that. Apparently he's not immune to his own poison. Even though it's flowing through his own body. Exactly. Well, he's half spider.

The bottom half is spider, isn't it? So the top half is man. Man. Hang on. But I think he's stung in his spider bits. Do you want to confirm that? No, he's stung in his spider bits. Do you want to confirm that? No, he's stung in his man bits. Okay.

By that I mean his dick. Don't get stung in your man bits, guys. Don't get stung in your... It's a good... And then Venom beats up some more terrorists and then there's some

collateral damage. A priest gets shot, et cetera. And at this point, Ghost Rider has woken up and he... Oh, he's ready to go. Exactly.

And he's like, Venom, I'm bloody going to get you. Oh, you did this or whatever? Yeah, it's a classic superhero misunderstanding. He's up and he's like, I don't know what's happening, but I better turn into Ghost Rider. And he turns into what I believe is the worst Ghost Rider costume ever created.

Look at that. Oh, that's horrible. And this isn't like Danny Ketch's Ghost Rider costume used to be cool. Yeah, right. It used to be like that minimalist one with the black leather jacket and the chains or whatever. But the 1997's Ghost Rider costume is all zips. It's got...

It's yellow and gold and red. It's got visible underpants to it. Is that a high collar or is that just that particular panel? That's a pretty high collar, I think. You know, like a high Dracula collar of fire? No, it's not a Dracula collar, no. Okay, that's a pretty high collar you know like a high dracula collar no it's no i don't know it's not a dracula collar no okay that's all right okay anyway uh so now issue two yeah no there's two issues it's a lot of this this really is am i going too long no no it's great we'll trim it in

the edit but man look look at those underpants yeah no good he's got the lower half of he-man and also your magic yes you can make your costume look whatever, anything you want. What's his vehicle? It's just a regular. It's the regular Ghost Rider motorcycle. Okay. Not like a cool thing like a moped or something? No.

Or a Segway. It's too early for a Segway. Too early for a Segway. It could have been a Vespa, but it's like... But it's not even his motorcycle from back in the day. It's not like his early 90s one. Right. It looks like it's gold and red.

97. It's got visible underpants. He could have had rollerblades. He could have had rollerblades. It's true. Fiery, fiery rollerblades. So good. But anyway, there's the classic villain hero misunderstanding.

Yeah, they punch and stuff. Punch him for a bit, mates. And then it's revealed, of course, that our murderous dictator, who's mended his evil ways, of course hasn't mended his evil ways. No. He's always been a murderous dictator. So he set this all up. He set it all up.

But to what end? Well, basically, what happens is that he wanted to be on that international money train, right? Yeah, right. But they won't let him on the international money train because he's a murderous dictator. He wanted a copy of the movie Money Train on VHS. Exactly, but they won't rent it to him at Blockbuster.

They won't give him a card, a rental, a membership, unless he mends his evil ways. Okay. But basically, he's hired the terrorists. Right. And he's hired his wife. His wife is also a paid actor. Good stuff.

He's hired the arachnid guy. And does he then reveal all this to everybody in there? No, he's just- All of these people are actors. No, he's just like no he's he doesn't buy exposition to himself right okay he does it like i'm my plan why is it my plan to to pretend to be a good guy working if it was the 60s and his fake wife is like why did you do this in new york city it's full of superheroes and he's like shut up idiot that's a good point it is a really good point isn't of superheroes. And he's like, shut up, idiot. That's a good point. It is a really good point, isn't it? Yeah.

And I think there's a bit where the priest is like, I've been shot. I need a doctor. And he's like, and he slaps the priest kind of thing. If it wasn't drilled home enough, he hasn't actually been redeemed. He like slaps a priest in the face. That's right. It's one of the priests from Spotlight. It's fine.

Yeah, he's probably not great, is he? Yeah. And then there's some more exposition Like Taraknid still alive Taraknid gets back up I remember the name! There we go, he metabolises his poison And then, you remember Thought Bubbles?

Yeah, I remember Thought Bubbles There's just two full pages of Thought Bubbles Where he's like, we were all so convinced the plan would work His reputation as a cruel dictator kept him out of the New World Order He thought faking religious enlightenment Who was he thinking this to? would work. His reputation as a cruel dictator kept him out of the New World Order. He thought faking religious enlightenment hired him.

Who is he thinking this to? He thought by faking religious enlightenment hiring to reshape his public image he would open

the door to the people's hearts and be known as the president. The world is the president who changes his way. One day the

US government would sanction him and it would be the first step to make him the richest most powerful man in South America

and all of us are rich along with him. The trip to the US was to rush things a bit. What a good man to terrorize and buy him public sympathy. A few properly placed terrorists would make him the victim and almost a martyr and he would have reasoned with us, made us seen our evil ways and staged a tearful

reconciliation on live TV. The US would have eaten this up. All I have to do is sneak up on these so-called heroes and stab them through the back into their hearts with all the venom I can produce. That wouldn't do anything. Not to those guys. Anyway, then a nun hits him in the back of the head and he goes down. So that's pretty good.

Anyway, then the fight continues. They had to fill in some pages, I guess. There's a lot of splash pages. Yeah, right. That's the 90s. See, they've put too much text on one page. There was so much text. Or a couple of pages.

Spread it out. Yeah. Spread it out, for God's sake. Anyway, and then Ghost Rider gets Venom on his knees and he's going to give him. So at this point, Ghost Rider's main weapon is the penance stare. Yeah. Which is where he looks you in the eyes

and then you feel the pain of all the evil you've done to other people. Yeah. And you go mad. Yes. But then he's like, Venom, I'm going to give you the penance stare and you're going gonna feel the pain of all the evil you've done to people in your life hey listen heads up and then Venom's like

nah don't judge me though don't I'm messed up a little bit I'm on the up and up I got a bomb in me I'm a good guy now and Ghost Rider's like alright which is the least Ghost Rider thing yeah he would just do it anyway.

He would do it anyway. Doesn't give a shit. Doesn't care about any of that. But anyway, they're like, all right, well, I guess we're going to team up. And they bloody... There's a seemingly endless number of terrorists. They beat up some more terrorists. Then the dictator, he's going to kill Ghost Rider's friend.

One of the nuns wakes up that stigmata lady from earlier. Yeah. You remember her? Vaguely. Yeah, I forgot her. I thought she died. No, she didn't die. She's fine, I guess.

And then she's like, hey, buddy, why'd you trick me? I thought you were a good guy, but you're not a good guy. But I'm... So she wasn't... No, she wasn't in on it. Acting. No, but... The only one.

And then Venom webs this dude and then throws him into the path of ghost rider and he gives him the old pen and stare and then he peels out on his sweet orange motorbike with visible underpants and he gets out of there then venom rescues the priests and then uh then the reveal is that the stigmata lady was actually also hired by these guys. Okay, right. She was a secondary bodyguard. Great stuff. Good twist. And then... And then... And then the guy's... He's in a prison or something

and he's gone mad because of the pen and stare. And then Venom goes back to his sweet bachelor pad and eats a chocolate cake. Pretty good, right? No. Yeah, it was one of the worst ones I've ever read. At the time and now. Because normally when you read something as a kid, everything everything's great it really is great yeah but even then you're like nah 20 years ago i don't like any of these visible underpants and it was

so bad you thought you'd imagined it yeah yeah yeah oh that's incredible what's that called sorry that is called sign of the boss and you can't get it on Comixology. You cannot. I tried. I think they're trying to wipe this particular part of their history away. Well, now they can't. Especially this version of Venom. Yeah, that's right. I was not reading Venom at this point in time. I didn't know this weird, wacky version of him existed.

So wacky. I love it, Mason. Hey, this has been Caravan of Garbage, though, here every Tuesday. But we have videos here Sunday and Thursday also. Yeah, we do. Often we cover a comic book or a movie or a TV show or a video game. If you've got something you want us to look at, please let us know. It doesn't have to be garbage, but it can be.

It doesn't have to be garbage, but it helps. That's on my mug. Very good. That's on my mug here. Also, we have a podcast called The Weekly Planet where we talk movies and comics and TV shows. That's out every Monday. All of that is also linked below. You can find everything that I've said, that we've said,

all of it at planetbroadcasting.com. Every word, it's being transcribed right now. You can check it all out. Also, there's a video version of this. You want to see these amazing pictures? Please do. Yeah. It's worth it.

No, it's worth it. It's worth it for the fiery jocks. Oh better believe it yeah whoosh all right well thanks for watching guys or listening grab that gem you guys we'll see you next week goodbye this podcast is part of the planet broadcasting network visit planetbroadcasting.com for more podcasts from I mean, if you want, it's up to you. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks.

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