The Worst Idea Of All Time - 11: Lazenby's Revenge

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

The movie is called Emmanuelle's Revenge but it is actually George Lazenby's revenge, after listening to Emmanuelle tell a mountain of anecdotes it is his turn to tell some horny tales from his time in World War II! Emmanuelle is picking up scarves in aeroplane toilets, a butler named James does what no butler in the franchise has done before (has sex!) and there is a very well put together phone sex scene. Will there finally be a boner to inspect? The lads also sexualise kangaroos some more for good measure and Tim recounts the halcyon days of producing breakfast radio and mainlining Alex Jones as a spry young 22 year old man.PAY US ON PATREON (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello and welcome to the worst idea of all time, season five. Oh, where's my notebook? Oh, there it is. I've got it. I've got everything I need. I've got my friend Guy. Do you know who put that notebook there? You did. Yeah, that's right. Fucking legend. We've just watched Emmanuel's Revenge, one of the seven made-for-television French softcore pornographies. My immediate question is, who is Emmanuel taking revenge on in this film? Well, it's a good question.

It's more like there's revenge and Emmanuel is involved, but it's not necessarily Emmanuel's revenge. It's actually the revenge of Chalamet or Salami or whatever that woman's name is. It's Chalamet, as in Timothée, but mispronounced in various different ways by George Lazenby, who we discover in this installment is his character is called Mario, and he is French. He is French, obviously. So it's crazy to me that he wouldn't be able to pronounce Charlemagne and instead insists on calling her Chalami or Chalami. George Lazenby is an Australian born and raised model turned actor

who I believe was British later in life and at no point does he adopt a French accent, but he is indeed a... He's not just a Frenchman, everyone. Mario, in the Emmanuel series, fights for the British Army. He's some sort of intelligence officer. He's a spy.

And if you're worried that we didn't get any World War II flashbacks in Emmanuel's Revenge, rest easy, knowing we spent the final third of the movie in the year, I'm going to guess 1943. Yeah. And George Lazenby's Mario has been called up for an important

spy job. By Eisenhower. Oh no, he's got to deliver messages to Eisenhower's personal assistant. But I feel like we're jumping the gun here, because that's the final third of the movie yeah i'm just sort of look i'm i'm i'm traipsing around the place i'm i'm picking up sort of shiny objects that were left on the ground by the film i'm inspecting them i'm turning them over i'm putting them back down shiny object inspector shiny object inspector i would say that that Emmanuel didn't take any revenge.

I would say the revenge was actually Mario's or George Lazenby's in this film, where he finally, after at least four and a half hours of listening to Emmanuel rabbit on and on with their horny reminiscences, said, do you know what, actually? Yeah, and a lot of those stories did not make any sense. He said, do you know what, Emmanuel, you senile wench, I've got some fucking boned up anecdotes of my own.

Yeah, hard out. And he wasn't lying either. He cracked out a fucking good yarn. And to Emmanuel's credit, she sat back and listened. This is the first time that we've had Mario

share one of his tales. It's also the first time that he's had a name. George Lazenby's name is mario as he he had a straw i immediately knew that we were going to experience something special from lazenby in this movie because very early on emmanuel says something fairly innocuous like oh yes i've had champagne before and he says oh you're impossible you're you're impossible it's like it's like george lazarby's trying to do a sean connor yeah yeah it's but every time he says it whenever he says

you're impossible you're incorrigible it's always like her just sort of ret ret oh emmanuel you're unbelievable exactly story is sensational they're sensational. But he always says they are. This is what makes him the perfect companion on a long flight. I would be asleep. I would be asleep for the entirety of the flight. Here's what I would do. I would go to my doctor, tell them I have anxiety about flight. And then they would prescribe some very strong sedatives for me to calm me down.

I would take two of those, a glass of red wine. I'm out before takeoff. You're out before takeoff? Well, do you remember that happened once when we went to Los Angeles the first time? Yeah. Do you remember that? I pretty much fucking fell asleep into my food tray or something. And I was knocked out for the entire flight.

And I woke up feeling so well rested as we taxied i always i always make it to after dinner after the dinner service i actually really miss flying but what i wanted to say tim is um do you have a friend who is is like lazenby in this film who is just like a phenomenal listener and someone who you know you can sit them next to anyone at a dinner party or an event, and they'll just sit there, and they might be listening to some punisher just rattle off boring, innocuous details or stories. And they're an encouraging listener. And they smile at the right times, and they're genuinely engaged for whatever reason. There's some people who I've met recently who I think are like new friends. And there's one guy in particular

I'm thinking of called Hugh who's just got that energy to him. He seems genuinely enthused by any anecdote you bring his way. Or anyone brings his way. I described him recently. Chloe and I were talking. Chloe's the person who I'm trying to get her elected.

I'm helping out with her campaign. And we were talking about Hugh and she said, he's such a nice guy. And I said, yeah, he's got the soul of a tree. And she said, yeah, that's right, he does. He's just very calm, very kind of nurturing energy. Does he smile when you talk to him? Yeah, but not overly as well, you know?

He'll give you good cues. My oldest friend, Jono, is one of the most incredibly encouraging listeners I've met. Really? Anything you tell him, he will receive with great enthusiasm and build upon. It is like the most remarkable trait, and it is something that you have correctly observed Lazenby possesses in his character as Mario. We should all try and foster that, eh?

Because I think you've got that to an extent, not like supernaturally, not hue level, but I definitely think you've got that you can i can whatever ball and run but i can also i i mean i'm sure everyone tunes out but sometimes someone will be someone will be talking it's that extrovert introvert thing a little bit i think it's like yeah because a lot of people can have that ability but it will tire them out but for some people it's their default position and it almost energizes them

to kind of just receive people's stories and run with it. I remember, I'm actually quite interested in listening and ways to improve it or ways to find value or interest in everyone because it's pretty easy to just stay in your lane or if you meet someone who immediately presents as boring to write them off. just i've always thought you just

got to ask keep asking questions until you find the thing that they're really passionate about or interested in because that's where every single person like that's where sort of humanity converges i think where it's like they're passionate about um licking envelopes in the same way i'm passionate about making people laugh or something. But it's like, if you get them talking about how they found out they love licking envelopes and their best experience licking envelopes

and has it ever gone chaotically wrong, it's like you're away because they're invested. And if someone is interested in what they're talking about, I mean, it's a cliche, but there's a much higher probability that it will be interesting to whoever's listening. Absolutely. I think that that could solve a lot of problems in society, actually.

If we were just like, yo, tell me about something you fucking love, man. And we're led with that rather than like, you've got that great joke you did last night about us insisting on asking athletes what they think about geopolitical situations and then hauling them over the coals when they get their answers slightly wrong yeah that's not where they're spending their time ask them about sport yeah ask them about how they

learn to catch so good yeah it's actually it's not we don't even really i feel like we don't even do that because whenever i see athletes right i tune out i i consider that boring because it's always some sports commentator being like you know tell us about the current season and how the squad's going and they've got to give a pseudo political answer as well because they do give very political answers then no like athletes i think it's because they also even within the like in internally uh self-created political system of sports, if they speak out of turn, then they get raked over the insular coals

that they have within that system. And so all of them give answers saying, well, we tried our hardest. And also, you will notice they tried their hardest. It's just one of those games, I guess. There were two halves in this game. Everyone's going to do their best. However, if the

commentator got or the announcer whatever like you've got a sweaty rugby player coming off the field post-match and uh instead of asking you know how was the match for you and getting some stock standard arts you've heard 50 000 times before it's like hey um why do you play rugby that's a great one isn't it why do you why do you play why do you why rugby? That is a great one, isn't it? Why do you, why do you play? Why do you, why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Imagine that.

World Cup. It's a world, it's not like the final or anything, but it's, we're in pool play. They've won narrowly. Say like, I don't know,

a try got converted at the end for the win. It was a squeaker. Yeah. It was a squeaker. And then, yeah. So someone who didn't contribute any points on the board gets asked by the commentator, just like, hey, congratulations.

Why are you doing this? And they're like, what do you mean? Why are you playing rugby? Well, it's my job. But why is it your job? Why are you playing rugby? Well, it's my job. But why is it your job? Why did you decide to play rugby? We need to broaden the scope of questions that we're asking. I guess not just our athletes, but one another.

We just get trapped in these cycles of like, because everyone is experiencing, this year more than ever, everyone is experiencing the same thing. And so how are you is a much bigger question than it traditionally was. It's also kind of redundant in new zealand because everyone's default answer would be not bad which is hilarious because

we can't even say good i always we're not it's not even that we're lying which we are it's also that we have to say not bad which actually makes it less of a lie i actually rise to any how are you and i nearly always give the person much, much more depth and response than they ask for. That's good. I cannot help myself but do it. Oh, really? It's not something you're engineering. It's anyone up to the level of peripheral friend.

And sometimes I go to a cafe near my house. And I was buying a sandwich from this cafe, and the woman said, how are you? And I was, in whatever frame of mind I was in that morning, I was like, well, you know, I feel like I'm on the upswing, but it's just been a really brutal couple of weeks, and this poor woman is like...

Yeah, I do feel for her, and the story is in your telling of it. She's like like i'm just doing my fucking like very courtesy you know literally have to ask you but we actually we had a good conversation and at the end of it um she gave me a donut and said hey this might help cheer you up that fucking rules i feel like you'd be able to vibe it not everyone can you know yeah because what you could do is you can throw out that like a slightly longer answer then you can still pull back within you can pull back yeah but some people i i often find um on hallucinogens you know when you you transition

from a group you hang out with people who are also on hallucinogens to like a wider group of people some of them who haven't been with you the whole time or who aren't on who's you know are you thinking back to that time party like a few months ago in my backyard there is an instance of this but it's it's broader than that i've experienced it a few times and all of a sudden you're talking to someone who's not on the same trip as you and i'm like i'm like the oscillation in my mind of how much is too much information to shit you know like finding the balance it doesn't always happen but sometimes i'm like am i talking too much about my experience or not enough this is why everyone not everyone this is why everyone who kind of can safely should be doing psychedelics because it builds so much empathy in you you're constantly you're

just like obsessed with making sure that the other people around you are sweet ass. Yeah, that's part of it. And another part of it is just the throes of euphoria while everything around you, the concept of it, collapses. And it becomes very hilarious that we abide it every minute of every day otherwise. It's a really good time. Drugs. Try them. I wrote some notes. Did you catch my set last night

I didn't see the start of it because it was too full that was essentially oh you've already seen me do that joke but that was um I've got a very pro drug bit that I'm trying to get on TV

at the moment I don't think it's gonna fly do you know what you can do though what is they could say um nah we can't have that and you say okay and then you can just do it

yeah it's you know it's tricky it's tricky i'm wearing a lot of hats um she found a scarf in a toilet yeah what do you think about that i think i i'm not into that i i'm against she for context emmanuel and lazenbeer talking and you feel the the the momentum shift in the storyteller and it's like this is where Lazenby's putting his hand up and say, I've got anecdotes too, you know. And Emmanuel says, excuse me. So she didn't just find this out in the world in one of the seven continents

which she insists upon visiting. She found it in an airplane toilet. Yeah, that's disgusting. First class, to be fair. Well, we don't know where she went to do her dirty deeds. If you're flying first class, I think you're going to the first class toilet. I don't think many people from, like, that's not the way that that works. I don't think we've talked about this much yet as well,

but the first class that's depicted in the Emmanuel made-for-TV films, which all came out in 1993. All seven of them. And by the way, we went to Africa in this film. I am convinced that for seven films we will visit the seven continents of the world and that a lot of we've gone asia africa europe we've almost ticked when were we in america he was on he was in a hotel in washington that's true that's true asia africa north amer America Have we been

To South America We've been to Brazil at some point Yeah yeah yeah Oh but that Was that in the TV movies though I think that was in the Prior ones

We've not been to Australasia We've not been to South America And we've not been to Antarctica They better get their Cute little butts To Oceania Slash Australasia Or I'm gonna be furious

What I was saying though I'm tired of this erasure Of New Zealand from the Emmanuel. They'll probably go to Australia. They'll probably like... And that's okay too. Fuck in front of some kangaroos or something. The first class that they have in these planes... Kangaroos are just

fumbling around with their cocks through their... with their hand in their pouch. I've never seen a kangaroo, mate. It must be quite a sight to behold. I've never seen a kangaroo, mate. It must be quite a sight to behold. I've never seen a kangaroo jerk it either. Are they able? There's very few animals that can masturbate like we can. Really?

Well, I don't know. I don't know. I just made that up. There's that unrelenting piece of trivia that always circulates, which is humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex with pleasure. I've never believed that. I struggle too as well. It cannot be true.

But, like, think of that viral video I think we might have spoken about in this of the frog jerking it, the monkey jerking it with a frog. Yes. Sorry, that pause you heard was me coming in my trousers. It was a coffee burp. Both equally disgusting. Simultaneously. It's your version of a burp snart yeah

um coming and belching coffee at once but i think a kangaroo might know how to masturbate i like the thing i reckon we would have seen it more i like to think all of god's i would have seen that to get themselves i've spent a long time on the internet these past 20 years i would have seen that by now i would have seen a kangaroo masturbate we are circling back to sexualizing kangaroos with surprising frequency in this series i think this is the second time it's come up and you brought it up the first time just because you're obsessed with those big jacked boys yeah beautiful fucking massive arms kangaroo jack more like kangaroo jerking off google hey bixby show me a kangaroo masturbating if you found a scarf that was made of silk in a airline toilet would you take it would you wear

it would you put that on your naked skin no i would leave it there's also like episode of oprah winfrey that really stayed with me where she talks about poo particles did she have doctor did she have a doctor on it she did i can't talk about stool health oh it might have been that episode yeah it sounds like a dr oz thing yeah and you want to have a is that guy just barred or whatever like deregistered you want to have your your stool uh in an s shape dr rose is a piece of shit hey that guy's a fucking charlatan what's he this is the thing man everyone's like oprah is our savior we should elect oprah to be president i don't know man she fucking she's enabled some pretty bad peeps dr rose is full of shit he's's basically the goop of not as woo-woo or rich people.

Yeah, he was up to mischief with this most recent global pandemic. I think he got a bit caught out by COVID, which a lot of pseudo-doctors did. Yeah. This is the thing. Even actual doctors have struggled with it. Of course the pseudo-doctors are up against it. Yeah, that's true. That's true.

I think he might be like a chiropractor or something or an osteopath although i found out recently online according to one person so i really should check this before i go spouting but so osteopaths in all basically other parts of the world it's it's about like manipulating people's um skeletal systems their bones and stuff especially your spine to kind of bring you good health and i'm very sorry if i'm missing out big parts of osteopathy for your health yeah but in a so everywhere else except america you kind of like you do a like a health science style degree but you don't do like a medical degree in the same way that you would a doctor would but you do they use the title doctor which some medical doctors take a bit of issue with but in america apparently it's way more

extensive so like osteopaths actually get quite a lot of um the whole medical background i see because i was railing against the fact that um i'm not getting into it. It's too boring. There's chemtrails on the plane. That's cool. Haven't seen them in a while. What's the history of chemtrails? Well, Prince told everyone they were real. And then we were like, maybe. If Prince is into it, I'm into it.

Really? See people rain? Prince is the guy who started that? It started for a lot of people, I think. I don't... I mean, everything I've heard, I first heard from Alex Jones. All of this kind of stuff.

So I don't think he necessarily made it up, but I think he found it as a very obscure theory, I assume, and then boomed it out in, like, the early 2000s. Is Alex Jones still broadcasting? I think he is, man. I think he might be facing a bit of legal trouble with his says. I started following his wife on Twitter a while back.

They were going through a very messy divorce. Really? Incredibly messy. That makes a lot of sense. Sure does. You were early on that. You were fascinated by him as a broadcaster before he went totally off the rails.

I've told this story, but I'll tell it again. I worked in breakfast radio for my first gig in radio. How are we going? Because you don't have a lot of time for this session. No, we're good. I've got time. I'm just checking. You keep talking.

You know how you were telling me about the ideal listening partner and how they would sort of just absorb the story and egg you on. I've got to say, looking at your watch just as I'm ramping into the start is the opposite. Wow, I'd feel worse about it if this has not happened to me countless times where I start telling something

and you're like, oh, this is a good excuse to prepare my next statement. Oh, really? Yeah. Is that the vibe? No, I mean, I genuinely was checking because I was thinking we should probably discuss some of the movie but we've got time for everything um so get get going get gone first gig first professional gig in radio i was i was doing breakfast radio and it kind of

turns your brain to mush because i was getting up at about 4 30 a.m getting on my bmx real cold how old are you uh 22 22 single or in a relationship single you must have been an icon bmxing to your breakfast radio job at 22 who is this guy i was producing i wasn't hosting or anything on air uh i was like no i was not an on-air producer okay yeah i was um producing for a broadcasting legend from this country who sadly passed away called kevin black who i think to this day and forevermore will hold the record as the highest paid broadcaster in australasia ever because he was like number one when radio was at its peak what was he pulling down i don't know i think i'm gonna i'm gonna guess like close to half a mil and that's like the figure not adjusted for inflation and this would have been in the um

90s yeah it's a lot of money um so uh did he wear a lot of jewelry no no no did he wear fine shirts um no pretty restrained with the shirts. He lived in a gated community in Remiwara. Fucking, I would come home from the shift. So I would knock off at about noon because we'd do the show and then I'd be doing prep for the next day's show. And I'd come home and my brain was just like fucked up. So I'd kind of go to sleep during the day which really messes me up i'm not

someone who can nap very easily listening to alex jones to like drift off to and then that's a crazy choice this is a very passionate orator and then um a lot of times i would uh do like stand you know open mics at night it was fucked up man so my hours were all over the shop my brain was turning to mush in the way that i was like unwinding after a day was listening to vintage alex jones broadcast so many miles from the sort of very trendy lad about town who i was imagining as you peeled off oh no they're producing it was a horror show yeah it was an absolute nightmare and then got made redundant after the seeing the year out we all got made redundant after you're on there producing role on your BMX. It was an absolute horror show. You were living in a nightmare. And then got made redundant after seeing the year out.

We all got made redundant because that was the GFC. Global Financial Crisis got us. So this movie is set in Africa initially. Yes. It's not anything to do with Emmanuel or Mario. It's told, as always, in very confusing flashback. It's somewhat to do with Mario. Is he telling the story right out of the gates? He is.

Yeah, he is because it's his nephew who is the film director. Yeah, so I prefer calling him Lazenby to Mario, so I'll continue doing that. Lazenby kicks back and he says, I've got to tell you about this time I was playing poker with this woman, Shalami, in Africa, in an unspecified part of Africa. And he's sitting in this sweltering pub

and this woman walks in and she says, do you know how to work a phone? Sorry, can I just clarify something? So is Lazenby there? Yeah. He's in that bar. I don't think he's... He's telling his nephew's anecdote.

No, because he doesn't meet the nephew until a little bit after. He's telling his story. He's in the bar. Because remember, because she comes in and she says to the barkeep, she says, do you know how nephew until a little bit after. He's telling his story. He's in the bar. Because remember. He's in the bar. Because she comes in and she says to the barkeep, she says, do you know how to work a phone? Yes.

Book me a first class ticket to New York tomorrow. Yes. And bring me a beer. Yes. Very cool. Incredibly cool. And then she sits down. She says to Lazenby, he says, you're going to go?

I don't want you to go. She says, I'm going to go. That's right. One last game of poker. What are the stakes, guy? What are the stakes? If she wins, a bag of diamonds. One whole pound of diamonds. If he wins, him and his brother get to fuck her right there and then.

And they play poker. He wins. Yes, two pair with a queen kicker. Yeah. he wins yes two pair with a queen kicker yeah they enjoy the three of them enjoy a tremendously unhygienic but what does look to be a thoroughly enjoyable good time on one of the bar tables and then lazenby's back in the he's sort of presumably chubbed up underneath his suit trousers while he talks to emmanuel and just quickly as an aside i'd like to say sylvia christelle has been with us through all of the films in this franchise so far it's incredible

like the way that across these films and my relationship to her as a character she's gone from being this like deeply erotic and sort of longed after figure of virile you know feminine sexuality and now her entire she's her and Lazenby are on level pegging, and it's pretty much just two senile figures on a first-class flight. I think that's a bit harsh. Just reminiscing. She's very matriarchal now, and you wouldn't dare frame her in a sexual...

No, no. Times have changed. Yeah. She would be a lot younger than Lazenby, though, right? Absolutely. But I think because because all their scenes are together and they're purely you know uh in terms of story they're just there to frame every every movie and and exist in flashback yeah um but yeah so they're back there and lazenby's all chubbed on he's saying you know the craziest thing she had a flush she would have won she would have won she had the winning, she had a flush. She would have won.

She would have won. She had the winning hand. She had a winning hand. And she said, what have you got? He showed his cards. And she said, you win. Disrobed right then and there. And they had this fantastic looking sex.

And Tim, you were saying, what the hell, man? It's a pound of diamonds. I mean, a pound of diamonds is worth a lot of money. And I said, well, that's not what she wanted. She wanted to have sex. But you're saying, yeah, but she could have had both. Yeah, exactly. The guys wanted a bone.

She wanted a bone. I don't even know why they play poker. Just something a while away the hours, isn't it? It's sort of, otherwise it's quite, it seems like a, like paying for sex using diamonds. But if you use sort of the mechanism of a poker game, it kind of makes it a bit more interesting and obfuscates that. Am I saying that word right?

Probably not, eh? Obfuscates. That's how I'd say it, I think. Obfuscates. Tricky word. What do you mean if the bag of diamonds is involved, it's like paying? I think it's like,

if you're playing and the stakes for one person is money, and the stakes for the other person is sex. Yeah. That's the paying. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, I don't want to get held up on that.

Cause we've got to talk about James, the butler. Yeah. So this, this, we, we open with the scene and then this, uh,

Charlemagne, she flies to New York and immediately goes to visit Lazenby's nephew, who's also the same age as Lazenby in this movie. Yeah. But that can happen. Yeah, yeah. Families are different. She walks into this advertising agency or this set.

He's an ad director who's directing his first film, and there's this very cool guy sitting there with glasses on. He doesn't at that stage, though. This is the thing. He has a transition. So initially, he is a furious little fuckboy. He's like a little frustrated virgin man, and he doesn't have glasses on.

He gets cooler later when they put glasses on him, but initially he's just like this little ball of pent-up sexual energy. Yeah, he's a cuckold. Two consecutive scenes. This guy loves... He tries his hardest to bed Charlemagne. And she's like, nah, you're a little rich boy. You're a little spoiled rich boy.

She tells him this to his face. He's like, what is happening? What is this? How dare you speak to me like this? And she's like, nah, you're a little rich bitch. And then, fuck, it's so good. So this film director, James, has a butler. This is how rich he is.

The butler is an, I would say, septuagenarian named, what's the butler's name? I wrote that down, I think. It doesn't matter. Oh, what's the butler's name? I wrote that down, I think. It doesn't matter. Oh no, maybe the butler's James, actually. Fuck, I don't know. Yeah, the butler's James and the other guy's Stephen. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, so Stephen, so anyway, the butler. And this happens so frequently, like the help, because all of the characters in these movies are wealthy and they always have some sort of service person at their side and so here's a movie director who has a butler

dressed in like butler tails So it's very class oriented eh? On set at all times. I guess it makes it easy to like subvert class expectations and stuff. And the butler watches as Steven, this young rich boy gets fucked up absolutely rejected and then they go so um charlamagne this absolute goddess who is pursuing a eventually a

modeling career through their acting avenues of advertising and movies um so she's called this rich man a fuck boy to his face and then she and the butler go to a different room. And this 70-something-year-old butler just absolutely goes to town on her vagine. It is pretty... I mean, they seem to be enjoying it, but it's pretty nuts. He's sort of like a pig in a trough.

It's so funny. It's very funny. He's got his head between his legs, and he's pretty much just going, I am not a crook. Yeah, exactly. And meanwhile, Stephen is watching from behind some sort of very thinly veiled curtain.

And it's really, you know, he's going, this is incredible. What's happening here? And there's this crazy scene where the butler offers Charlemagne while he's having sex with her from behind a bear. Fuck yeah, dude. And Charlemagne says, yes. Salami without a bear is like a joke without an ending. And then the butler's like, okay, we've got a bit of a riff going here. I'm going to get on this train.

And while still mid-coitus, he says, or a slice of melon without port wine. And then Stephen's like, okay, I'm going to reveal myself in the shadows because this is a riff I'm not going to miss. And he steps into frame in the light while they're having sex and says, or an ad agency without clients. And they just keep fucking, they kind of ignore his offer. And he's like, I've got more, I've got more. And he goes, a film without a star.

And again, they ignore him. And then he's furious. And he says, a butler without a master. He is bombing. And then he starts taking swipes at the audience. It was absolutely bizarre. There's a lot of bizarre moments in this movie, but let me say this. This movie is without question the best Emmanuel we've seen.

Why? Since probably like after the first two. Why? I'll tell you why. Firstly, because of that. firstly because of that i loved the fact that charlamagne who was you know um cast as this object of everyone's affection she is the de facto emmanuel for the first act of this film and the butler gets to just fucking it's really nice with her and i love it i love that for both of them i think it's so cool i think that rules secondly the phone sex scene

is honestly the most successfully erotic scene in this franchise so far beautifully done there are three distinct acts to this one so the first one is charlemagne the second one is uh they're on so they this ad director steven this sort of cuckolded ad director, is directing a feature film, and on the plane, Lazenby and Emanuele are talking, and he goes, well, it's actually about to play. Oh, no, she says it's going to play, and he's like, already doing the aeroplane rounds.

And then the screen comes down, and everyone on the plane is sobbing as they watch this World War II story. Oh, well, except we should get into Japanese men on the plane later. Yeah. Well, I mean we've actually we haven't left ourselves a lot of runway to cover the incredible amount

of ground this film covers do you know what I think we just do a longer episode this time and we just won't do the other stuff when do you have to jet we got time

to get into this because I feel like this is important we've got seven minutes oh that's not long alright we can do it take it away

so they watch this movie on a plane which is directed by Stephen the kickolded movie director, who is Lazenby's nephew, bear in mind. And it turns out that the movie that he's directed is based on Lazenby's experiences in World War II. Pretty cool. So we see them watching the end of this movie, a film within a film on an airplane, and all of the women are crying. And this Japanese man, who Tim is pretty sure is God who represents God is just dozing but he's like he's up to heaps

all the time you don't see it but there are always these pensive shots of him looking around very sort of all knowing all knowing

so they watch it and then Emmanuel goes wow it was incredible and Leslie goes well it's not actually what happened you want to know

what really happened oh and she goes wow it looks incredible no fuck it's so crazy he's like wow those to know what really happened? And she goes, well, it looks incredible. No, fuck, it's so crazy. He's like, wow, those guys are really good actors. It looked like they were in love. And Emmanuel, who was on set at the time, for reasons unknown, is like, well, you'd think that, but it turns out

they were deploying a technique called acting, and things were a little more tumultuous on the movie set than you'd realize. And so we then go into the world of the movie being made, and the two leads the romantic leads one of them this British man

who is portraying Lazenby who remember is French and the other the romantic lead is this woman and they do not like one another

it's the final day on set there's a rap and he's relieved to be out of there and the woman who's been playing the romantic lead is Susan I believe

her name is is like in love with this guy and this guy doesn't like her at all and Susan deduces the only reason that this must be the case is because he's gay well he also is gay he went to a gay nightclub when they were all out and he yeah i mean yeah there are a few a few things suggesting that might be the case but undeterred he says at the wrap party to emmanuel he says oh well i'm glad this is over now i'm gonna go do a really cool movie in mexico yeah and then emmanuel says so we followed him to mexico

yeah secretly they booked rooms in the same hotel that he was staying at without telling emmanuel and susan and then susan was like you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna i'm gonna kick the wheels on this theory that he's gay now what, what Gaia has also felt, and he's doing a great job, I will add, but I just remembered that also the reason Emmanuel is there is because Emmanuel knew the mother of the actor, and she died for some reason, which was tragic, but she suspected that her son might be gay, and she wasn't very happy about it.

So for some reason, that means Emmanuel has to follow up on this lead. That's right so emmanuel is a massive homophobe towards men well i don't know open to all sorts of different sexual uh leanings she she's actually when she talks about it she's like not speaking in super judgmental terms but she's like look the mum thought he was gay and she was not happy about it she wanted him to be a ladies man yeah and so so i had to go and see what was up but the mom's dead yeah and the mom's a homophobe and emmanuel's like so i'm gonna fucking follow this up for you i better carry on this bigotry and so her and susan follow this actor to his hotel in mexico they stay in a different room and emmanuel's bought a variety of crazy wigs and ordinary

underpants she's so fun and Susan who really wants to have sex with this guy disguises herself Amanda Bynes and she's the man style as a fella

and traces him to a bar shows up starts necking tequila at the bar I did say before the sequence kicked off I said it'd be so cool

if they dressed her up in men's clothing and taped her tits down and they did they did exactly that she starts necking tequila this actor also starts negging tequila they go back to his place they start hooking up it's getting hot and heavy she gives them a blow job are wondering about the ethics of the situation because they're having relations under false pretenses and also there's an inevitable discovery here if this continues to its endpoint, he's going to find out at some point.

And yea, verily, he does. And how does he respond? With hysterical laughter. She's put two mandarins and a banana down her underpants. And when he discovers that, he is struck with the comedy of the situation and overcome with lust. They have beard-shaking coitus,

an explosive orgasm to the sound of a thunderstorm and afterwards they take out the mandarins they look at them they look at each other they laugh maniacally and they gobble them down no harm done so listen now we're in Act 3 World War 2 How did they put this movie together? I don't know The only thing Blowing these stories together Is Lazenby And Sylvia Christel

On an aeroplane Just swapping tall tales I'm gonna run Like we'll run out of time If I try and string Cause my I can't remember how To string together

But Just outline The joys of the The phone sex So there is a beautiful relationship. So there's a guy It's not Lazenby. It is Lazenby It's Lazenby. It's young Lazenby Young Lazenby is an

officer of the French either intelligence or you know military community. And he's been posted up somewhere away from his wife. He has. He's got orders to pack his bags and go. So wife and he have sex. He leaves Now, while he is away White, we'll find this out later but I'll tell you now He's got orders to pack his bags and go. So wife and he have sex. He leaves. Now, while he is away,

we'll find this out later, but I'll tell you now, spoiler, she fucks a bunch of women while he's away. So that makes what he's about to do more morally acceptable. But he didn't know. He didn't know at the time, but still.

He was pushing a line. Listen, I've got to get to it. Hold on. So he develops a relationship with the phone operator. Remember, we're in the early 1940s like the switchboard operator who's he's having to deal with to get these communiques back to his intelligence higher-ups and they um sort of have this very flirtatious relationship on the phone which eventually leads to a phenomenally well done um scene uh where they have a bit of phone

sex where she says look this is highly inappropriate i'm very embarrassed but when we had to use your services to translate a french message the other day and i heard you speaking french it made me feel certain feelings um you know and and she says am i going too far he says no no it's quite fine and then uh she asks him to say something in french and he, what would you like me to say? And she says, tell me something you would tell your wife. And he says, oh, how about I recite a French poem? Like a poem?

Like I would say, before we make love. And I mean, that's hot stuff. Even hearing you say this, it is all really, it is all, I don't want to say classy, but it sounds quite romantic. It is. I think it is. Before we classy, but it sounds quite romantic. It is. I think it is. Before we leave.

Well, he's cheating on his wife. Yeah, that part is obviously no good, but it's very restrained, I think, as white. Because you're watching these two people navigate this sort of, they're tiptoeing around. It's the negotiation of consent as well. There's a really, yeah, a beautiful, underplayed, understated back and forth that ends in... That's what was so sweet about it. They're both checking in with each other throughout,

being like, is this okay, is this okay? I've got to nip out, but before I do... She ends up jacking off furiously to this French poet. You stated multiple times that you're a big fan of this scene. It's a triumph of cinemates and triumph of softcore pornography. And before I leave, I've just got to boner inspect you. Oh, yeah? I, like, uncross my legs like you're going to have a look at my penis.

Oh, sorry. I mean boner patrol you as the boner inspector. Yeah. I didn't get a boner in this movie. Neither did I. But God damn it, I wanted to. Thank you so much for listening, everybody. Have a wonderful day