The Worst Idea Of All Time - 18: Puddle Inspector w Alice Snedden

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

Alice Snedden (Boners of The Heart, Alice Snedden's Bad News) joins the fellaz for some good ol' fashioned porn watchin'. It's time for Emmanuelle in Space 5; a movie experience that elicits a fantastic basketball flavoured adult film based on a real life moment from Alice, a furious boredom at the lack of genitals on screen and Tim's steadfast belief that film crew have traveled the world to capture this stock footage of international landmarks. We also have a porn mystery that needs YOUR HELP to solve and Guy doesn't understand what commercial radio is. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Whoa, that was hot. Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of the worst idea of all time, Season Emmanuel. I'm Guy Montgomery, joined as always by the very aroused Tim Batt. Tēnā koutou. Tēnā koutou katoa. And we have the fantastic, possibly aroused? No. Ella Snedder.

Wow. I feel like I'm on a commercial radio show. For what? For nothing. No, nothing in particular Just pop music For commercials, man Yeah, you know, you understand commercial radio? Do you understand how radio works, guy?

No They put songs on and the songs are there So that they can play ads And the ads are there to pay some fucking idiots To tell you horoscopes of some horse shit you know when the half hour when anyone ever gets on a commercial radio show and they introduce you everyone always like claps yeah i love that of course you fucking do did you not love that um i'm always like hey i haven't done anything yet it's just a's just a way to generate energy.

How do you feel when people applaud you to the stage when you're performing comedy? Like it's deserved. Why? That's based on historic career highlights. You know my work. The horse is always much louder when I enter the stage than it is when I leave.

How do you feel arriving on stage to stand up comedy gigs? I know. That's how I on stage in a stand-up comedy gig. I know. That's how I feel arriving to a commercial radio booth. Right, so you have been on commercial radio. Yes. So you do understand what I was talking about. No.

You just made an active decision to block me immediately at the top of the podcast. I've been on it, but I've never understood it. Who famously said, seconds before I hit record, who's ready to riff?

And I put my hand up. I am. Tim, you defiantly kept your hand down. No, that's true, actually. So, Alice and I will be doing some more of these signature riffs while Tim watches on from the sidelines. Oh, God. Hey, so. What can I do?

I'll grade them. Yeah. Alice, first. Hey, so... What can I do? Why? I'll grade them. Alice, first of all, welcome back to the country. Thank you. It's so nice to be here. You've spent two weeks in managed isolation. I have. You are now free to do as you so choose. Yes.

How many days have you been out in the wild? Four. Well, it is an honor that within four days you opted to come come to tim bad's house on a tuesday morning at 10 a.m yeah strap yourself in flanked by a couple of boner boys to enjoy uh an erotic screening of emmanuel in space fuck and i honestly it's one of those moments where you sit down at a chair and you do reflect on the decisions you've made in your life. Because when I came into this podcast, I had just exercised. So I was on what could only be described as a high.

You were. You were flying high. I was. Tim asked me how I was, and I could confidently answer good. And then over the last 90 minutes, my mental state of being has degraded significantly i'm sorry i can't help but feel partially responsible i think if you if you cast yourself as being partially responsible you're not taking enough of the blame i i see what you're saying i feel no responsibility no of course you don't you little bitch i actually i feel grateful on your behalf to be a part of this then i will not allow this gaslighting to continue this isn't gaslighting this is just straight up and down how i see it yeah you are the person who always feels gratitude on my behalf i'm never not um carrying the weight of anything that's happening to me and you are never not

carrying the joy of anything that's happening to me i do what little i can you're like a dorian gray for her happiness a very desirable role uh so it was an interesting film today previously in the emmanuel in space subset of the franchise we've had emmanuel bringing down various different aliens and guiding them through sex and sexuality and also... And sexuality? Just heterosexuality? No, there's been some exploration of other ways of doing things.

Wow, I love that. And I am nothing but disappointed that that was not the film I saw. Well, yes, you got the most monogamous, heteronormative sort of... Real meat and potatoes fucking today, folks. Penis in the vagina, yeah. Version of sex. Well, here's what I would say, though. heteronormative sort of real meat and potatoes fucking today folks penis in the vagina

yeah version of sex well here's what I would say though I'm assuming there was penis in the vagina not once did I actually get to see penis in the vagina

you were cross about that sight unseen yeah I'm really sorry I feel like we got you here under false pretenses a little bit when it was revealed that you would not be

seeing any penis you were I was pretty explicit when I said you want to do this i said just your mic yeah you adjust your mind yeah do you want me to talk more like this yeah that'd be great i i said it was going to be soft soft core soft core soft corn and i think i just didn't don't guys trying to get that off the ground corn going soft corn is a good name for this genre. Fucking hell. On Tuesdays, we soft corn. Oh my God.

I just wish that people could see the face that you delivered that way. That's the face of the caption. A sense of smugness has never been so strong. It's me and the gals having a mimosa

huddled around a laptop in some restaurant courtyard saying... On Saturdays, we brunch and on Tuesdayss we soft corn soft corn with this one can you can you do the soft corn face again because now i'm video recording you i have to say it to do it yeah yeah so i go uh on tuesdays we soft corn it's very visceral

i really like um i feel angry so one of the things with softcore pornography is you do not see the penis. We trust, actually, I imagine, every sex scene, I'm imagining more than the actual experience of the intercourse, I'm just imagining it from the perspective of the turgid penis strapped down against the thigh of the male performer. That's my guess on what they do with it. A lot of exposed arse. So much exposed arse. They've got to dress it up somehow to keep the set safe

intimacy coordinators must be working overtime on these i i would hazard a guess that there is not a single intimacy coordinator on any of these sets ever there was a period where you were impressed by the um forward thinking of uh like you know for a soft core soft corn made in 94 95 yeah that's right she was a strong independent woman yeah at one point yeah i was gonna say briefly briefly yeah i reckon there was about a minute and a half interlude where um she and i think that was all improvised i don't think that was in the script yeah i think she was like i'll just chuck this in there and see if it makes the cut and uh they only get one take, so they had to go with it. To be fair, she nailed it.

She nailed it. Chris Dallin did a great job. Absolutely. Was that when you were the most aroused? Here's what's interesting about it. My approach to porn in general is that in regular porn, I don't love those close-up shots of penis and vagina. So I'm interested that that is the thing

that I missed from the absence of that. Maybe it's absence makes the heart grow fonder. I say absence makes the cock grow longer. Oh, Jesus. I wish for you to never say that again.

Guy's on a tear, but it's like the wrong kind of tear. It's like doing dad jokes about softcore porn. I'm tearing my underpants open. Oh, my God. Why I am making this record an unsafe space. No, not at all, please. I've never felt more safe around you. Thank you.

I think my issue with it, I was not aroused at one point during the entire film. There was a moment when you said that this is where you were, you sort of were steering down the barrel of the idea of arousal. Yeah, well, see, because I think what it is, is that in my personal life, I consider myself right now quite horny. And experiencing the absence of a way to express that, unless it's alone in my bedroom very respectful

on my own time an upstanding citizen with no one else around everyone can sense with a new zealand flag in front of you saluting a big photo of jacinda ardern jesus god the sound of thunderstorms echoing through your ue bag yeah so i think that's what bothered me about it was that i was forced now to watch 90 minutes of sex knowing full well that i may never have sex again in my life or at least not for a very long time and so what is this this is like you and rose i feel like get into these spaces where you don't have sex for a little bit I believe every time I have sex it's the last time Is that how you feel in the moment or immediately

after the sex? Immediately after I go well that will never happen again. Do you say it to the person you've just had sex with? From time to time Oh god You know like how how when babies... This is maybe a weird analogy to make because it involves babies. But when babies are very young, they have no sense of object...

Permanence. Permanence. So when something's gone, they don't know that it's... When they turn their head, they don't know that the thing still exists there. That's you. That's me with sex. So as you're actively doing it it you're convinced it can't this would be like if you if you were showing a baby a rattle and they loved the rattle

and then took the rattle away and then a day later you showed them a video of a rattle that's what this experience is for you i i will say that i i still don't know if i'm entirely comfortable with this analogy but i know but i know that I am the one who brought it to the table. Could you just, as best as you can, describe what happened in this movie, what the plot was? Yeah, I reckon I could give it a really good... This is Emmanuel in space number five. I can't remember the subtitle.

Emmanuel and Ephron, an alien, go down to Earth to have sex in a variety of international locations. But I suspect in a singular chain hotel because all of the rooms look the same. But the soundtrack sounds different. The soundtrack sounds very different. Very different. And during the course of that, Efron's jealousy and adoption of some human behaviours mean that the government start to get suspicious

that there is an alien on Earth, leading to a chase. We need to probably drill down a little bit more into the connection between Efron, as you're calling him, which I will do in solidarity with you. Thank you. Efron's jealousy leading to government agencies being aware that there's an extraterrestrial on planet Earth. Yes. So you're right in that when they were in France, Paris, to be more specific.

That's right. We knew it was Paris because an American man said the word mademoiselle at one point. And there was an exterior shot of the Eiffel Tower. You can't just get those anywhere. I love there's a splinter crew set to Paris just for that one shot of the Eiffel Tower. Well, we're going to get some footage that doesn't exist yet. So someone's got to film the Eiffel Tower so we can splice it in. That's right.

Yeah, so there was a threat of another romantic liaison with Emmanuel, and he got jealous and slashed his tires. And then what do you call it when you change into a metam... Shapeshifted? Shapeshifted into the body of this man, tried to hit on Emmanuel, who rejected it, thus proving that she had feelings and loyalty you've for him you've done the thing that i do as well where you've forgotten the first third of

the movie do you remember the bit where they were in the club oh my god they were playing squash yeah well that's what's fucked up about it was that he got to fuck other girls and she was just like cool man happy for you and. And to the film's credit, that is a point that she articulated very clearly, concisely and brilliantly where he was like, what that he was becoming jealous. And he goes, what are you doing?

And she goes, what the fuck are you doing? What are you finished with your research? The average female woman orgasms 2.4 times during sex. He just got honestly insane. It made me feel incredibly small. That's wild. She started mocking him by doing his voice

and rattling off a bunch of human sex facts, and I was fucking here for it. Because that cunt has, oh, C-bomb, gaslighting Emmanuel for five movies now. Because he keeps feigning ignorance. Like, he just keeps using the fact that he's an alien

researching sexual experience to, like, as a cloak under which he just fucks up a storm. And then if Emmanuel so much as,

you know, flits her eyelids at anyone else, it's that other guys are like, hey, this is an incredibly beautiful woman. Maybe I'll try

and buy her a drink. And then heifer on packs are fucking sad. It's like a little six-year-old soaking around. It's essentially a toxic relationship. It is incredibly toxic. He doesn't just pack her sad. He obstructs the potential of their date

and then assumes the body of the person. That's messed up. It's totally illegal. Yeah. And in doing that, And pretty cool. Yeah, and also legendary. Obviously, I would do that if I could. Yeah. But in doing that... And pretty cool. Yeah, and also legendary. Obviously, I would do that if I could.

Yeah. But in doing that, so the government agency is... Heffron says the reason he's experiencing... Is his name Heffron? Yeah. Okay. You know, like Heffron. Yeah, sure.

So the reason he says he's experiencing jealousy is it's dangerous if other humans find out that he is an alien on Earth. But he is the only one ever putting them at risk of finding out that he is an alien on Earth. Because he keeps shapeshifting into other people. He keeps causing mischief. He shapeshifts at will on a public beach in Hong Kong. He is a thought experiment.

They actually had a lot of sort of comedy fun with the shape-shifting in this. They really did. Emmanuel was explaining about the concept of being in love with someone, and Emmanuel was like, because he couldn't understand why a beautiful woman would ever be with men who weren't as attractive.

Blew his fucking mind. And everyone's going, I'm hot as shit. Why isn't everyone in the world with me and not their ugly partners? And he saw an old couple walking down and he was like they are ugly and emmanuel says you can't say that and she's right and he says but they are and so then they have a frank discussion about the the notion of love and and

she's articulating that physical appearance can be transcended when you're actually in a loving relationship with someone she her definition of love is when the other person is beautiful to you all the time which i actually i don't mind as a definition of love yeah for a softball i think it's it's near enough what i mean what do you yeah because i you were um at one point i believe you were being facetious you described some of the the dialogue as Oscar worthy. Was that sincere or were you pulling my leg? No, that was 100% sincere. I thought that this film,

Emmanuel in Space number five, deserved to win the finest award you can get in film screenwriting. I couldn't agree more. So yeah, that is the plot in earnest. And there was an argument Tim and I had during it because this movie,

it's interesting for you, you saw it without the context of the previous four emmanuels somehow kept up and i did one i did wonder what i was missing out on well in terms of a narrative arc across i think it's seven that they are now uh introducing like a worth or a value in having watched all of these movies sequentially. Because Heffron and Emmanuel's relationship is, I mean, both plot-wise and sex scene-wise, is the sole focal point of this movie. This is the first film in which we haven't seen any other pairing of people have sex. And what I found out... Actually, no, we did see Heffron have sex

with the woman from The Squash Club one time. What I found out is when you do that and just focus on one couple to have all of the sex in the movie is it causes Alison to want to poke her eyes out with her own fingers. It's just so long. You were... It's so long.

It's the longest... Angrily bored. Well, I just was like... I don't know how to describe it other than it did feel like hitting my head against a wall because the sex was boring as well like we were just seeing the same type of sex over and over again in the same time in the same time it didn't matter what country they were in they always had that bathtub can you describe this the kind of sex they were having um well yeah so it was a lot of her on top,

a lot of her riding him, a lot of very slow but lacking in passion sex. Like just so slow but without any passion. I was like, Jesus. And you also took issue with how some of the sex scenes

were cut together. Oh my God. Well, there was no continuity. So like, if I was watching that, so this is something that bothers me about porn in general when I try to masturbate to it, is that Have you ever successfully masturbated to porn? I'm proud to say yes, many a time I have.

I've pulled it off, against the odds. In spite of the odds. I've done what no person has ever managed before and I have come while watching porn. It's incredible. Huge. Well actually, and I have come while watching porn. It's incredible. Huge. Well, actually, I think now would be the time. Our next guest is a woman who has come while watching porn.

Welcome to the studio, Alice Sneddon. Thank you so much. I actually don't watch a lot of porn. I don't love it because I find that I don't come as well with porn as i do just with the power of my mind and recall well this is inspiring thank you yeah the new thing that everyone's doing is is only fans have you had a look and seen if there's any people no i'm never gonna get into that shit why not um no disrespect to anyone who does but i'm just like not for me I'm just like it's too too much I don't want to be personally

invested sexually in a single person who I will never meet in my entire life and I don't know anything of that sounds pretty healthy when you put it like that catering to your needs that sounds like a pretty reasonable argument you've put forward

well I've stopped sending you invitations but this was the point i was making about porn in general when i watch it is that the thing that they always cut is the moment of penetration and that has always irked me it goes from making out to having sex and like like it jump cuts to the sex and that always bothered me because i'm i'm like fucking hell like i need like a little bit of build up yeah do you know what i mean carried along the journey and then i always get focused on weird specifics like in a lot of the porn that you just find on the internet you guys know you don't have to go to the store anymore you're trying to take a wholesome stroll down the information superhighway

and you can't help but come across. That's important. Their eyebrows are always really bad and that's the sort of thing that bothers me. This is why we never should have introduced high definition to pornography. It's not even in high def. I'm just like, who's plucking those things?

Alice is watching her porn in 240. No, I watch it in 4K. because she's doing well yeah i'll fucking say yeah god i just no never mind and so the the cuts were the cuts were bothering you if you were to it for cut you were sort of saying if you were to imagine yourself trying to masturbate to this it's it's unfollowable yeah exactly and and and the point i would make about these films is you are trying to tell a story as well this is not your regular run-of-the-mill porn where we're just here for the fucking they're trying to tell a story so the sex has to be i'm getting so well done about this the sex has to be a part of that story and if you're just cutting

between different modes and elements of the sex then there's no story growth there you'll the graph goes up it stops and then it goes along flat there's no development what about when they started introducing the x-files style subplot where there was all of a sudden they waited so late though it was like we were halfway through the third act before that and it would have been good to propel the whole movie forward. By that point, I was like, the drama in this relationship is not that you're an alien. It's that you fundamentally don't respect her.

It's that you're a child, Heffron. You're a man baby. I was like, why are you introducing this third element? What we actually need to deal with here is the power dynamics in this relationship. That does not sound very groovy, baby. I think you'd be surprised because if they had a really respectful relationship,

the sex is going to explode. It's going to be incredible. And my... One other thing. And another thing. And another thing. They never went down on each other. And that I find offensive.

Well, she did in the satin sheets, remember, that hadn't been ironed. Well, barely, okay? The amount of time she was going down on him, it's like she licked his dick once and then came back up and they fucked again. Have you ever seen an alien's penis? No, actually, I haven't. Unsightly thing.

All green and tentacled. But she's got a human pussy. Like, he can manage that. You know? Like, come on, pussy. Like, he can manage that. You know? Like, come on, man. Like, eat her out once. It adds to the whole thing of him being a man baby to me. It's just, I can't take this guy seriously.

And also trading on his ignorance to be like, oh, what? Oh, no, no. I don't understand. Oh, no, sorry. I'm new to this world. I couldn't possibly go down on you. Is that a thing people do?

I don't know. Yeah. It's so annoying to me you guys remember when um dj carl carl carlid yes when he uh he did that thing on social media where he said he doesn't eat pussy because the king doesn't do that and everyone was like i'm sorry what i do not remember that. I missed that. It was so funny. Yeah, it's crazy to me that that's a thing,

that there are some heterosexual men who won't go down on women. Growing up, it was... Or some gay women who won't go down on women. It was kind of... Outrageous. That, I mean, to me is bizarre. It was one of the prevailing winds of peer pressure. The sexuality you experience as you are going through adolescence, I feel like, not that we're talking explicitly about the particulars of how you have sex, but the notion that that was unappealing was certainly one that was on my periphery. I reckon that's gone.

I reckon these teenagers are so much better than us. I reckon they're going down on each other exclusively. They're not even having penetrative sex anymore. I mean this. It's the best thing penetrative sex anymore. I mean this. It's the best thing for teenagers to do. It truly is. It's the most low-risk scenario. And if you do it right, it's a lot of fun.

It's a hell of a lot of fun. It's like there's no consequences, you know, aside from emotional potentially. Okay, so can you just tell me a little bit more about how you do it? We'll get you a brochure, guy. We'll find a pamphlet I just think yeah it's crazy maybe this as well is like a gay thing where I feel like

oral sex is such a big part of my sex life that to not see it I'm like well okay what's going on it's like we've come for a three course meal and they've not served me dinner yeah but you've gone into we've gone entree and dessert a restaurant that opened and they've not served me dinner yeah but you've gone into a we've gone entree and dessert

a restaurant that opened and has not changed its menu since 1994 1994 wasn't even that long ago in 2020 I'm sorry but people were eating each other out in 94 94 is a long time ago

it's 26 years no that's a person is that true you cannot tell me that people who existed in 94 weren't going down on each other. This is the thing.

Chris Parker brought this up in the last episode. Bisexuality was very, I feel like, massive and normalized in the mid-90s, and then we regressed as a society away from it. Yes, we should have. I reckon oral sex was way bigger and normalized in the mid-90s. Yeah.

But then it's like, I think this movie suffers from the same thing that stand-up comedy had in the mid-90s yeah but then it's like i think this movie suffers from the same thing that stand-up comedy had in the early 90s where everyone's like oh my bitch wife it's just like dude what do you just get a divorce yeah it's not a difficult thing yeah this is awful but those tropes get just entrenched and they don't make any sense i mean some of my some of my anger at this movie would absolutely have been dissipated if I had managed to see any dick at all. That would have helped a lot. Because we do get some full frontals of her.

Do we? Well, you're not like seeing... Mons pubis. Yeah, you're seeing the mound. You're not seeing the underneath, the underside. Don't just call it Mons pubis, but I call it her pubis. Hi, I'm Guy Montgomery. Well, Alice, you've got a lot of notes on this film,

and it sort of segues quite neatly into a segment that, you know, if you strip it from context, will make more sense. But it's called Picture Porno. Okay. With George Lazenby. Nice. I know the porno that I want to make already. Oh, my God. Fantastic. No, I know the porno that I want to make already. Oh, my God.

Fantastic. No, I know the fantasy that I want to explore, which is one I had as a young teen, which is basketball themed. I'm listening. And I think it comes from, I recently actually watched Love and Basketball. Have you guys seen that?

It's a great, sexy film. But the fantasy itself comes from i one time in primary school played basketball with this guy who i thought was so cute and at one point i think it was kind of a sexual awakening moment for me i had the ball and he was behind me and he was reaching for it and there was something about that that's always stayed in my subconscious about like this is the sex i want to explore so the porno i want to see is a one-on-one basketball match that ends in fucking how is this this has got to have happened this is very sexy i mean it's got all the things i like which is like like competition and sex. Set it up for me. How are they playing?

Do they know each other? No, so they're actually strangers. So these two strangers, they have seen each other on the court at various times, just themselves playing horse at either ends of the court. Basketball is traditionally quite social. No, no, these are just two loners. They're star-crossed basketball players. So actually they were both champion basketball players,

but they both suffered career-ending injuries. Oh, my God. Yeah, so now they don't play for sport as much just for, like, the love of that. You know, they can't put the same pressure on their knee. They both did their ACLs. So they can't put the same pressure on. Is this in the did their ACLs, so they can't put the same pressure on. Is this in the film, the ACLs? Yeah, no, no.

It's in flashback form. During the coitus? No, no, no. It's well before that. We cut away. It's kind of like family guy style. To gruesome ACL injuries. To gruesome ACL injuries.

One on the ski slopes and the other on the basketball court. You shouldn't be skiing if you're a professional basketball player. and that's him that's one of his massive regrets that's actually weirdly i'm casting a straight porno but like it should be gay it's still in my mind the fantasy i think is straight its origins were heterosexual okay you want to honor those i want to honor those yeah i don't want to stray too much from the core um material source material i feel like i'm i'm hearing the pitch and a thank you speech at the same time anyway um the ball hits off the backboard and rolls over to the other side of the court and um they start chatting a little bit um he's kind of into her, suggests maybe they play a game. And she's like, not today.

So there's tension. And then the next day returns to the court and they're playing again. And then at this time she goes over to him and is like, how about that game? What changed? Did she just want to play it cool? So what I haven't told you is that she's got a best friend who really told her that she needs to get out there more very cool so that's the scene that's in between the two days she goes home and fucks her best friend ah love it um yeah uh this character who like they just have fun they're platonic

flatmates or whatever and she's like you've got to get out there more she's like okay i'm gonna get out there wait but they fuck they fuck yeah yeah they fuck well it's a porno i assume you know in the movie version of this they wouldn't fuck but this is a porn film i feel like whenever two people are on screen if they're not fucking then there's no point in them being in the movie does this movie is that not a rule of thumb for porn? Not the one we just watched. Yeah, certainly not. That's true. Do you think your porn would meet the Bechdel test? No, but I will say this. Proudly. They'll talk about the Bechdel test. That's the funniest way to approach it.

The straight couple will talk about the Bechdel test. Look down the barrel of the camera and never successfully have the combo. It'll be self-referential. Anyway, the basketball game escalates. They have sex on the court. They hit the showers. They have sex there. Fantastic.

Yeah, they start. And I'd say before the sex happens, there's a montage of them playing more and more games together. They get more and more physical, and they get closer and closer and closer, and then the sex happens. Do either of them blow out an ACL during the sex? more and more games together, they get more and more physical and they get closer and closer and closer, and then the sex happens. Do either of them blow out an ACL during the sex? No, actually, their knees hold,

and that's the beautiful ending to it, is that they realise through the vigorous physical activity of the sex they've had that their knees actually can take it. Do they both get back into basketball? They both jump the basketball teams again. actually can take it. Do they both get back into basketball? Basketball teams again. Fuck, that's good. I love it.

Anyway. What's the duration on this bad boy? 208 minutes. You've got to see it in gold class. That's not bad. Oh, wow. Thank you so much. That was inspired.

Yeah, you're welcome. Two hours, 48. Yeah. We're getting into Lord of the Rings territory. That's longer than two hours, 48, isn't it? 208 minutes is... That's at least three hours. Oh, you're right. It's three and a half hours.

It's Lord of the the rings that includes a 20 minute intermission what do people do they clean themselves up they go into the bathrooms and they fuck they masturbate yeah so i'm assuming people are watching this at a cinema in new zealand because of covid you know we're all good incredible yeah so specific i think i i uh because it was born of a true sort of moment in your life or awakening it was very I could really feel your desire for this to be realised as a film or an experience

inspiring stuff a story you are desperate to tell a story I am desperate to tell it seems like there is some urgency to getting this production on the screen I could absolutely see you directing this directing this porno let Let's do it. Let's get some financing together.

Let's just put it together. Let's make this porno. Oh, I know who we need to cast in it. And he's around, and he's so handsome. No, no, it's not you. No worries. I'm sorry, you couldn't be more right. Absolutely. I'll have to talk to people, but I'll do it. Oh, God, yeah, it's exciting actually

Wait, who are you going to cast? I can't say his name because he's a real person It's the guy from your teenage years It's the guy from my fantasy, from my teenage years Do you think he can act? He's hot and he's a model Oh wow Yeah, yeah, yeah

So I had good taste early on Not into him now He is, you know is a nice guy, but a model. What does that mean? Not all there. Well, I think it's about time to welcome in...

I'm kidding. I know lots of models and I think they're great. It's time to welcome in the Boner Inspector. Yeah, Boner Inspector! This actually really highlights the issue that we face as the podcast moves forward absolutely even if we just watched the most arousing film of all time alice it would have been nine impossible for you to achieve a boner yes it would have though i could have gotten wet okay i and instead i stayed bone dry interesting Interesting. Okay. We'll call the puddle inspector.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I love that, actually. Puddle inspector! How do I inspect any puddles? Oh, God. That whole film watching experience felt very un-erotic. I was telling Alice to stop doing crosswords on her phone.

There was only one section. Credits to Alice. No, that was twice. My god. I'm so sorry. It could not have been more boring. I'm trying to put my finger on, it's what you said, there was no sense of escalation

or up and down. There were no stakes. There was no sense of, like, escalation or up and down. There were no stakes. There was no stakes. Because he can't just move anywhere in the world, including space, at any time. Well, that whole cat and mouse thing between the government officials, which, by the way, was a twist I thoroughly enjoyed that they put in.

They put it in right at the end of the flick. If that was one of the things in the whole movie, so it's like, what are we dealing with? Heffron is discovering jealousy for the first time interesting also there is a team of highly paid professionals from the u.s air force who know that aliens exist because and this is canon this was one of the um conversations that happened there was another alien presumably of heffron's race, who visited Earth originally, but he was not a peace-loving science alien.

He was one who loved to fuck around, and he was an outlaw. He was a rogue outlaw. We don't even know that he was there for sex at all. We just know that he was... He was a troublemaker. A troublemaker, that's right. And so he caused trouble on Earth, and then the US government had to form some sort of crack unit to chase down these, keep an eye on things. And heiferin's been picked up by them.

If I had been producing this film, I would have condensed the squash storyline with the French storyline. I'm going to put that mic closer to you. Oh, sorry. If I had been doing this film, I would have condensed the squash. Oh, easy. This is not worth the trouble I've gone to now to say this sentence. This feels like It's going to be

Groundbreaking I actually am on The edge of my seat Condense the squash The squash The squash party You know the party Where they're at there

Yeah With the That's where you would've Introduced the cops Chasing them Yes Yeah And you would've cut

The whole Paris And do you know Yeah fuck it There was nothing It was just for that guy That American dipshit Who's got a Porsche whose tires got slashed.

Because she could have had someone at the party who Efron got jealous of. Yeah, it should be that smarmy asshole guy. Yeah, exactly. That should have been one of the cops. But I was invested in the X-Files style story. I wonder, Tim, knowing what you do about the franchise to this point. X-Files? Do you think, no, the emmanuel in space franchise

do you think that this um cat and mouse sort of alien on the loose subplot will return in either of the two remaining emmanuel in space films i want it to i think it should and i have no faith for them to carry it on because it is a good idea i think they'll just abandon what's a good idea to carry it on the what the cat and mouse element i think they'll just abandon it i What's a good idea? To carry it on. The cat and mouse element. I think they'll just abandon it. Also, you do have the opportunity for eroticism between the detectives and the aliens. So much potential there. You know, we could realize that there are no differences between us. Emmanuel, like, starts fucking these cops, and then that creates all kinds of complications

with Hamphro, because they're the very people trying to chase him down. I think if Emmanuel has sex with any of the agents, that's just going to escalate the tension between her and Heffron and also between the alien species and the people on Earth. I have a question to ask regarding the aliens. The body, they look like humans. Is that because they are inhabiting a human form? I believe so. So have we ever seen the aliens

in their natural form they can't afford to show us that unfortunately it's not on the production budget okay sure sure although they go this is what i want to kind of explore a little bit why do they constantly go to a lot of different countries every movie and because that's in the spirit of the emmanuel. Predating Emmanuel in space. So much of the film was about international travel, glitz, glamour. It's that exotica thing,

isn't it? Also... Have you ever had sex overseas, Tim? It's never. It's pretty cool. I haven't had sex on seas. Oh! For I am a virgin,

which is what this whole season was about. I don't think I've had sex on a boat. On a boat? On seas. On a boat? I've not had sex on a boat. I haven't had sex on a boat. Do we need to go have sex on a boat?

Sounds like it. The three of us. Do you think it's possible that for these seven movies, the Emanuele and Spaces, do you reckon they could have shot all of them at once and that's how they kind of pulled off all the locations? Is that feasible? I think that you're giving it sorry in your mind are you assuming they were actually in these locations

the credits rolled and it said ireland there is no way on earth that they went anywhere other than america they had a pitch they i could see the Eiffel Tower in the film. They have not gone anywhere. There's only two of those. There's one in Paris and one in Las Vegas. This was shot in three rooms in some fucking LA lot set from days of our lives where they threw them away. If this is true, it is a credit to the filmmakers

that I feel like I've just gallivanted around the world. Riddle me this, Alice. How do we have the sounds of a sitar if this was shot entirely in America? Yeah, how can some of the film be set in Hong Kong if you're telling me they were in Los Angeles, California the whole time? Oh man, that was a funny moment. So Emmanuel floats, they're like, where should we go? We can fucking go anywhere, we're teleporting now. So Emmanuel floats. They're like, where should we go? We can fucking go anywhere.

We're teleporting now. And Emmanuel floats. I've always wanted to go to Hong Kong. And Hipfrog goes, really? Oh, yeah, yeah. And this is on top of two movies ago where there's a Chinese commissary who comes and visits the fuck palaces to make sure everything's in order. And they go to pains to remind you that Tibet is under the ownership, essentially essentially of china i'm thinking there's some chinese money where do you think they got these big international budgets with the ability to film in multiple locations there was not a single

exterior shot that had any of the characters in it when we established a country it's because the the shots were of the buildings. I'll kill you at this stage. That's how I feel about you right now. There's a lot of love and respect in this room. I love you. It would be a crime of love. But a crime nonetheless. Yeah, but a crime nonetheless.

What do you think about our decision to do this as a whole season, Alice? Do you think it's a good idea? You know, given the state of the world, I think um this manages to do something which is contribute nothing and but can I just say this I think and given the state of the world that in and of itself is amazing because a lot of people are doing stuff that contribute bad things whereas this I feel like is neutral ah I'll take that because the enjoyment people get from listening to the podcast

is cancelled out by the pain experienced by those participating in the podcast, thus making it a joy-neutral experience. There's a saying about that, isn't there? For evil to win, all that needs to happen is for good people to stand by and watch soft corn. i believe that is the original quote it is almost exactly but no wait evil's gonna win in that case well we'll just oh yeah true no i think you guys are very you know you're bold you're brave we are you are the final frontier this is what i was looking for yeah you're pushing the boat out in ways that I could never imagine.

Yes. And I'm proud of you and I'm proud to know you. Thank you, Alice. And I can't wait to fuck you both on a boat. I'm really excited about that. Should we give you a ring when we get the notion that some other slightly less boring version of Emmanuel is in the pipes? Would you want to watch more porn with us? I would absolutely watch more porn with you

I would really like you to come back as a return guest we don't do often but I would like you to come back I have a somewhat worrying feeling that these films are going to get a lot more hardcore by the end of the season I'm excited for that if there was a more hardcore version of it

now you've got my attention okay okay well when we get into the like mid-2000s when the internet has wow does it keep going that long i'm pretty sure some of these are into the mid-2000s and then it's competing with internet porn so i think like everyone's having to rise that it's a cold war of hardcore. Can I just ask you one thing as a favor to me? So one time when I was in America, I masturbated to this porn that was like set. It almost had like 70s vibes about it. And it was on the side of the road. And all I remember about it.

You were on the side of the road. Yeah, I was on the side of the road. Yeah, sorry. So it was on the side of the road in New York City. I remember because I had terrible abs at the time a joke for the 20 people who've ever seen me do stand up i am so the scenario is side of the road i think she's in a denim dress i think it's a classic car and he's in a shirt that's cut off and flowy and jeans the name of this podcast is not porn detectives please just hear me out because i don't know if it's in this franchise maybe conceivably it was only like the 10 minute

clip of it that i saw right the best porn i've ever seen what was so good about it i just kind of loved the art direction. Incredible. Incredible to think of someone masturbating to the Mijon scene. Basically. Basically. And I've never found it again. And it exists almost as like a unicorn in my life.

Okay. You know, we can crowdsource this. Some people might have seen this. Do you have any other details that would be identified? So they fuck on the bonnet of the car. What did the guy look like?

Did he have any identifying tattoos? He had like long hair. He was very built, very tan. And she was beautiful. And I think that's what I liked about it as well.

She was very just like naturally classically beautiful and like a very like, I'd cast her is Rachel Weisz. Do you know what I mean? Like that kind of vibe. And do you see, was it hardcore or softcore? You see dick and a bit of pussy.

I don't think you've ever seen softcore pornography based on your reaction to when I explained what the movie would be. You're like, what even is that? Why would you make it?

I don't think you see too much of it, though. I think it's... Tastefully done. It's tastefully done. It's not like close-ups on their... Now, this is going on, you know, seven, eight years ago. So my memory for it is only as good as, you know, it is.

A strong finish to that sentence. Yeah, well articulated. If we can track that down, if you're on Twitter, you can tweet directly at Alice. No, please don't do that. Which I encourage you to do. Make sure you tag her in. No, no, please, I don't want that.

Send all of it to Worst Idea, and then I will come in privately, and I will screen them. Yeah, so if you do have any leads please tweet them directly at alice sneddon no there's two d's her handle is at alice sneddon s-n-e-d-d you do not send me random porn that would and that is and that is my handle if you're not on twitter you can send you can fire a message to the worst idea Facebook which is facebook.com slash worst idea of all time there's no the in that one

Alice? Yes Tim. Anything you want to add before we close things up here? Just that I love you guys and it's always a pleasure to spend time with you I love you too and it's so cool that we've got you back I anticipate not forever not forever but at least a few months

it's nice to have you here. Thank you. It's nice to see you and hang out with you. Yeah, I love this. Do you have anything you'd like to plug? I don't have a single thing to plug. Have you seen my Twitter account?

Yeah, we need to plug that up. I've included that in my statement. Oh. Well, that's about it. Bye.