The Worst Idea Of All Time - 20: Doing The Worm On Her Clunge w/ Tom Walker & Demi Lardner

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Aussie comedians Demi Lardner and Tom Walker are here and they are confused and absolutely disgusted by Emmanuelle In Space 6: One Final Fling. The food play is back with a revenge, we're switching out key actors and there are eyebrows on a guy's back. It's all a bloody mess but we're treated to some brief philosophical musings on the human condition, so we got that going for us.Tom Walker on Twitch [twitch.tv/tomwalkerisgood]Demi Lardner on Twitch [twitch.tv/demilardner]Check out this month's live stream event here: worstideaofalltime.com/stream  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 My landlord's just arrived, so I'm just going to tell him to do his dastardly work. What? What's happening? The landlord comes over to collect his gold bullion. He's just doing some repairs, but we've got a spare case. I just had to tell him where it was. Oh, cool. Okay, okay. I just had to tell him where it was.

Oh, cool. Okay. Okay. I've been spying around the corner. We used to have a landlord when I lived in Melbourne, and I lived with Michelle Brazier. We had a landlord that lived three houses down, and he would just come over and just paint everything in the house yellow,

and he used to change our doorbell from, so I was like, yeah, we just want the classic ding dong. And whenever he came over and heard that we'd changed it to the ding dong, he would open up the speaker on it and change it back to God Save the Queen, which was so long and so loud. And when they first installed the, what is it? Doorbell. Doorbell.

When they first installed it, I heard them from my bedroom. I was going to say the electric knock. When they first installed it, I was in my bedroom and I could hear them going, him and his friend, like kind of arguing in Turkish. And then one of them said in English, okay, now should we ask them which tone they want? And our landlord said, hmm, the little one is home. She is not the boss.

Nothing could be further from the truth. I, for one, think we keep in both equally riveting landlord anecdotes To start the episode Oh boy, sorry Alright then Captain Entertainment, you can lead us on Alright, well, hey, thanks so much for joining us And I hope you enjoyed that very casual preamble As we welcome you to the worst idea of all time

Are we keeping that in? Yeah, I think so. I think it's good. Yeah, actually, we're keeping that in. Season five, the porno years, and we have just watched Emmanuel in Space, the final fling, I think it's called. The last fling.

The last fling, the sixth installment in the seven-part series, and we are joined by our very special friends in Australia, I think it's called. The Last Fling? The Last Fling, the sixth installment in the seven-part series. And we are joined by our very special friends in Australia, Demi Lardner and Tom Walker. Woo-hoo! Yay! Thank you so much for having us.

I'm so excited. I'm so angry that we had to watch this thing. Wow. We're so grateful that you watched it. Also, our first couple who have gone through the experience of watching the pornography together and then poring over it and picking apart its bits. Tom, we got a message from you before we even started watching saying this movie sucks so bad. And as soon as I read that, before I'd even seen it, I was thinking to myself, well, that can't be right because in my opinion, the quality of these movies is trending upwards.

That was about a separate movie. That was for a different group chat, where we're watching Sex and the City 2 for an indeterminate amount of times. But this movie... Emmanuel, scene of the galaxy. Yes, Demi, good. It's nice to hear those silken pipes breathe new life into that iconic intro. Is that in every one of them?

You better believe it. The Emanuel in Space series. Not only the song, but the same video intro sequence. There's just the same footage. What? It's the same four minutes? Yeah, because if you'll notice, they've got shots that aren't in the movie. Well, I guess you wouldn't notice

because it being a filthy casual, but they've got footage from all seven of the Emanuele and Spacers before each of the films because I think they shot them simultaneously. That does not surprise... I don't want to get into how much of a debate we got into whether there was a tit job done between scenes but yes so we started this we started this movie off and emmanuel at the beginning of the film uh

seems to alan yeah chris allen at the at the beginning of the film uh there is a i don't know if you guys want to go through chronologically but we thought there was a market increase in bust size from even scene to scene. Throughout the entirety of the film. Well, there was like... Every time they cut away, every jump cut they did. Well, yeah, every time they cut away, I was like, where did her tits go?

And he was like, the woman isn't on the screen, darling. And so I had to, like a baby, regain my object permanence. But there was a point where it went from them just kind of stand up humping in a bath and then the next scene it was like, hey, her tits look like a nose now. Sounds like we've got a real Berenstain breasts situation here. I think what might have happened, and this is

not usual for the Emanuel in Space franchise, but the initial... Though not without precedent. The initial sex scene that they had, so there's Krista Allen and Hafron, the charisma-less space captain, and they're on the ship and they're saying, she's telling them about

Greece. And how about that great opening gag can we talk about the um it's grease and then he's he's furious that someone hasn't cleaned the windows and he says no silly i mean the country not grease stains did they get a rise out of you guys that classic anomaly window grease that we all know about yeah someone's been eating fried chicken and then pouring at the windows, desperate to go into the cold embrace of space once more. The immediate cut to a globe showing just the continent of Africa was much appreciated. Which is not too far from where Greece finds itself in Mediterranean Europe.

But then when we go down to, I believe, ancient Greece, and they're sort of having a tour, and Heffron's there with some other physical manifestation of Emmanuel, who is indeed in possession of a smaller bust than the lead. It's a different lady. Same spirit. Different physical representation. And then when they later defer back to them having sex

in different hotspots around the globe, I think it's all Krista Allen from then on out. It's just this really weird sort of one sex scene where he's having sex with a different version of Emmanuel. They're going to introduce a new porn performer maybe into the franchise, I'm not sure. I mean, because that was the first toe dip into sort of the flavor of porn

that you'll be watching for the entire movie, the sort of soft core, you know, Caligula-esque, very Roman orgy light coitus. How did you guys find that? Tom? I at no point entertained the possibility that penetration could occur. They were standing as though genitals are Tetris blocks

that can be slid into one another. They were having the kind of sex that I did believe was available when you were eight years old, which was kind of a long hug between two people of perfectly the same height. Yes. You know, and you just kind of trust to the fact that the genitals will find each other out as you kind of are engaged with just like a lovely hug

and upstairs and everything downstairs, you know, you just let them, you kind of treat the genitals like two dogs and you're just like, oh, just chuck them in the backyard. It's like the continuity person's entire point of focus was on whether or not they were still not wearing clothes instead of whether or not the genitals physically align as to where they might intersect.

Yeah, just normal, regular sex where you're standing right in front of each other and ten people are washing your pale, pale man ass. The pale ass on this guy is one of the... That was a real big laugh moment over here i don't know you guys are probably used to this because he is tanned everywhere else but you can take the nerd out of the man but you can't take the nerd ass out of him that's a load-bearing part that is such a i just would wouldn't you have just painted it at least or just like oh

it's a nice human type. It's also interesting the thing that this alien has chosen. He has the capacity to move through space and time, to assume any physical form, and so it's fantastic. He's obviously very specific about keeping his lily white ass on top of his otherwise very tanned bod. Yeah. lily white ass on top of his otherwise very tanned bod yeah um so but you obviously immediately noticed that they weren't having your traditional hardcore sex no they were having something much better much more civilized a more elegant coitus were there murmurs of arousal in your corner of

the globe while this was happening i think i said to tom it seems like their heart rates actually dropped when they started fucking yeah i felt my i felt my dick turned into my balls i felt it all just kind of turned into a soft puddle of genital yeah tom's dick went on a little holiday in testicle town and just uh looked around there saw what it could see and uh can we talk about how much food stuff there was to open it up because my man we absolutely can and we absolutely should because this is the hallmark of the franchise and not even just emmanuel in space. The Emmanuel wider umbrella of films for some reason has an obsession of linking food to sex.

And both Guy and I in turns have been absolutely disgusted and kind of intrigued by it. The lasting image from the franchise that is set into my memory is someone simulating a blowjob by using a peeled banana where a penis would go. Everything about it is physically uncomfortable to look at or think about. So the food thing we got. Yeah.

Sorry. I was just going to say like the food thing seems to me like boomer shit. Like when, like, and I said, that's what made me think that the the movie was just it's just like for boomers because it's like and they're like okay well we're not like hot anymore not the actors but like you know old people fucking then like we're not hot anymore so why don't you like chuck an apple in my asshole and like that'll be cool yeah it's a very swingers cruise stuff of again these are these are things that we can say are sexy, but you don't need to worry about your bad back

while you kind of flail a strawberry at one another. Yeah, while you just let the semen drip through your crisp, leathery crow's feet. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. No good. Pretty good. No good. Maybe. It's hitting over here.

So I've always hated the food stuff. Tim today sort of posed the question as to whether or not it's a relic of the 90s, which would work simpatico with your theory, Demi, that it's boomer shit. Like, you know, I think we might have already touched on this, but, like, I remember when I was first being introduced to the idea of sex shops or like, you know, you go into one and there are all these like candy underpants and bras and just how disgusting the very idea of it is. And that in itself feels like a hangover from just fucking around with food. And apart from anything else, a lot of those products are made in these sort of sweatshop environments these factories where they can get the cheapest labor internationally and i don't think sanitary kind of quality is you know high on your gender there yeah i don't think so and also with and there's

this appears to be um so much uh chalky chalky candy and elastic which is gonna get really stuck in your tooths while you're trying to eat a clunge and i just don't think that it's like conducive to getting wet i absolutely not the yeah the never the twain shall meet the underwear and a female having an orgasm it's like it's like it feels to me like i and also I don't think like that kind of, the kind of food that they, like, you know, when you, it just seems so sticky. Not the best, not the good kind of sticky. And you're going to get it everywhere. And it makes me upset.

Why do you guys think the strawberry was such a focal point? Because I asked Demi this and she said, I guess it's because a strawberry looks like a tongue, kind of. Yeah, it's got the same color and those kind of holy bits and the strawberry there has big strawberry has long tried to turn it into an icon of illustrious fucking in the same way that the bible tried to turn red apples sexy there has been a big attempt by big ag to turn the strawberry into some sort of symbol of sexuality i personally don't buy it because i associate it with childhood too much. I just think that not only does it kind of look like a tongue

that then you're supposed to eat, which I guess is sexy, but it looks like a fat, chunky tongue. If I'm thinking of body part hybrids, a strawberry is sort of a blend of a tongue and potentially a nipple, the end of a pert nipple. And, you know, who amongst us hasn't craved some sort of tongue nipple hybrid to bite into? Finally, a nipple that kisses back. Yeah, I wish I could taste a bra. That is one of Heffron's signature moves, the kind of tongue of the nipple.

The front signature moves, the kind of tongue of the nipple. And it has to be said, a man whose body says porn star and whose head stares not for long, just a... More of a honk than a hunk. He's like, he's got Jacob from Twilight voice, we realised watching it. Yeah, he has Jacob from Twilight everything, like buff guy with fucking nerd voice who's just confused about everything.

Is Jacob Taylor Lautner? Yeah, who's a real piece of shit. I'll always remember him from grown-ups too, but I always thought he had a slamming bod. And I actually like his face. Well, you're going to re... If you haven't seen it, Guy, I really recommend The Ridiculous Six

because that will supplant all Taylor Lautner performances. I've seen The Ridiculous Six. I was surprised. The idea that you hadn't was completely alien to me. Now there's a point you can whack off to. Just to circle back to food stuff, there was a moment where... Sorry, the note that I have down here is

audible dismay from both of us when they transitioned to doggy. At some point they do a wipe from doggy style sex back to just a long shot of a pelican. But then on the boat, and this is more food stuff, it's just them cracking open a lobster

and then eating cherries and cream. And I pity whatever toilet is playing host to that situation later on. Also, the cream is in a bowl, but it's so clearly that cream from a can. Yeah! I find the idea of getting the spray bottle ready and putting it into a bowl, either them doing it themselves or the props department having to do it just really, really unsavoury. That lobster shot, though, I think I had the props department having to do it just really really unsavory lobster shot though i think i had the same reaction when they introduced it because

they just like cut two and you're suddenly we've got an ecu on a lobster tail and i'm like that is such a rich food to be eating any time around intercourse i would want no part in those two things being slammed at the same time to their credit the food arrives after they've had intercourse i would want no part in those two things being slammed at the same time to their credit the food arrives after they've had intercourse and emmanuel's sort of joshing heffron by saying um yeah well here we are but you didn't bring any food did you you big fucking idiot what are we gonna do about food and then he's like what do you want and then she whispers and she wants champagne and lobster whispering is an insane moment that is immediately paid off. Yeah, that's so interesting because

she's kind of like, hey, tremendous hog, bud, but do you know what's too embarrassing for me to say? I want a fish. Also, they keep laughing at the cherries. Like, this is what people did before podcasts taught us how to riff. They're all just laughing at touching each other with cherries. Like, this is what people did before podcasts taught us how to riff. So funny, that fruit.

They're all just laughing and touching each other with cherries. This sucks. I just want to ask you about how you found the cinematography of the boat sex scene. Oh, hold on, hold on. Before we get to that, I've just got to say this while we're on food. Get a real chicken, please. Oh, my God. The fucking chicken.

Dude. Because the grapes were obviously real on the table just get a real fucking chicken get a bird on that table you can hear like if you took that chicken it would be like the hollow thunk of a plastic oh yeah it is insane yeah you could see that sound somehow they transmitted that through the camera it might as well have been like one of those dog rippy toy chickens that goes, when you touch it. Yeah. I never put too much stock in the verisimilitude of the Emanuel in Space

series by like judging the fucking chicken on the table, but I'm really glad that it's got you guys up in arms. It was the realism of all the other foods that got Tim. He was like, the grapes are real. What are you doing with the They're so obviously real because they look fucking miserable and they've been they look awful you know it's yeah run with it if you're gonna have hot grapes have a

miserable fucked up chicken that if it knew what was gonna happen while it was being slaughtered at the chicken shop it would be like no not emmanuel in space it all yeah it all the fruit looked like the healthy option on a comedy writer, you know? Like it's someone's first day organising something. They've been tasked with the kind of the wrangling the shittiest of the artists. People who are amazed that there are grapes put out.

What do comedians have? I guess like whipped cream, rotisserie chicken, grapes. We've got to find a lot of grapes. They're funny, so they're like got to find a lot of grapes. They're funny, so they're like funny food, right? Funny food. So speaking of being ill, should we get back to the boat? Oh, yeah.

Actually, now before we get into cinematography, while we're talking these big round table food discussions, there were two sort of orgy scenes where people were all sitting around a table and then they can't help themselves. And it's like all of the orgy, the orgy exists in these independent silos. There's no crossover. Like people are just pairing off with other people and having sex simultaneously in the room.

And some of them, as you've observed, don't even have the angles right for any hope of a whisper of penetration or genital clashing. And then there were some other moments where they go over to the side observed, don't even have the angles right for any hope of a whisper of penetration or genital clashing. And then there were some other moments where they go over to the side and there'd be two people and be like, well, these guys are clearly actually about to have sex. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I've never sat at a round table orgy, but I'd like to think it would be a little bit more, you know, hands on and immersive than this experience. I can imagine you kind of like of like standing there watching people split off and being like, all right, no, guys, come on, we're a team, and just kind of corralling everybody back into the bath there. Yeah, I'd be standing there saying, no, it's kind of like a radio show, but you get it on like your phone or whatever you want.

And then Guy would come around, you know, broom me back towards the penetration. I want to enter my orgy life as, like, an administrator initially just to get the lay of the land. Okay, and everybody say one thing you admire about each other. Tom's massive heart. Every pre-planned compliment breaks, someone's just about to come, and I'll be like, okay, everybody, pause.

Stop what you're doing. Do you think they do like zip-zop-zap to start the orgy? Just to make sure everyone's on the same page. Maybe just all the actors have kind of got confused and sort of like, you know, when you have a bunch of kittens that are like, oh, where's mum? So you just kind of like put them in one box. Maybe they could have given them like a domed room

so they'd all slide back down towards each other. They keep trying to get out of the orgy and sliding back into the puddle of bodies. Everyone's just fucking in a big bowl. Yeah, that's what I think would be tantalising. Then at least the food motif would make a little fucking sense. Exactly. It feels like it contravenes the Geneva Convention somehow.

It doesn't seem right um there isn't a lot of finger food for people who are just about to get down and dirty with a whole bunch of people yeah there's got to be some hand stuff going on and there's just a rotisserie chicken with no cutlery out i don't know but that's good for the old sanitaries no one no one had a bite of the rotisserie chicken. Not a sexy food. Salmonella is less of a concern in America. That's probably why. It's very prevalent in Australasia. But this was taking place in far off Greece,

Tim. Very good point. I forgot about that. And before we leave... Before we leave Greece, can we talk about... Because they are in ancient Greece, and then we flash forward to the present day, and there's this... Hold on, can we just like... you know i know the listener will be confused by a lot but even i'm confused by this bit what the fuck happened there did they so they did a flashback to ancient greece where heffron was still heffron but emmanuel did a body swap

and they just did like a role play but they actually were in ancient greece am i understanding that right that's what i that's what i took it to mean but then i was so confused by why that mural had to look like i was like did they change history or did there was a mural on the wall that looked like them and then a modern tour group walked past the mural and then there was a fade to them standing in and i'll say this charitably approximately the same positions that the mural was like no one had come along and matched up the frames on that one it was harder when it wasn't all like digital oh wait 94 i don't know but know. But it was just, it was so confusing because they did talk about

time bubbles later on, which I got fucking into. I was like, we're introducing needlessly a whole Nolan-esque understanding of physics into this very shit porno. But I just,

while we're in Greece, I just want to talk about how much I love the modern day tour group and that guy who was leading it, John, who was this fucking

legendary figure in like khaki cargoes, a button-down polo, a hat and some 94 sunnies. And he was like, all right, everyone. Well, Athena is said to possibly still be alive. Come with me. There's no depth to what he's saying. It's just idle speculation as he corrals these people around some fucking polyester

representation of ancient Greece. I was like, let's stay with the tour group. Who knows? as he corrals these people around some fucking polyester representation of ancient Greece. I was like, let's stay with the tour group. Who knows? Maybe a couple of people might find each other. Fuck in the hotel room later tonight. I don't need to follow Emmanuel and Heffron back to space to then just watch them have a different version of sex

in a slightly different location. And you say different version of sex. I'll say they seem to mostly have the same kind of sex over and over again, which is a reverse cowgirl that looks like Emmanuel is trying to get up off a beanbag chair. Yeah. She is constantly just kind of stuck on him and like, oh, okay. And also the position that Hefron's always in,

it makes me think that like somewhere just out of shot, someone was dangling a spider near his face because he's always got like... He's like... At one point, he's looking down at her while she's riding him and he has the exact same amount of chins and look of general self-disdain

as someone jerking off to their phone. Yeah. I remember that. he's so sad he's constantly fucking in this one too i think so much sex i thought quite often today because there was some shots that were there's a lot of camera movement that they're like and some of them move right across their bodies in front of them and they've got to adjust while the camera's moving and i'm like yeah just thinking about how sad those positional resets are where they have to keep cutting because someone's heffron's flaccid dick is accidentally in frame like there's a glimpse of mon's pubis and they're like we can see that he's not enjoying it yeah he's just some devastated guy who just wants his balls to be small enough

not to be on camera the rotating camera thing is a hallmark of this series. It's not the first time we've seen it. And especially coming so thick and fast after all of the food stuff, I really did feel physically ill. Yeah. I got real motion sickness. They introduced also a fishnet. The fishnet?

I was really confused because I think maybe I blinked for a second and didn't realise that they were fucking on a boat and was like, that's not going to keep a mozzie out even. Why are they behind this? And then there's a point where... But even then, is it to keep the fish out? Because that is a

misunderstanding of the relationship between the fish and the boat. Then she invites a fucking fish into the bed, so whatever. But when they're fucking, there's a point where she lowers the net. And I was like, oh, she's shy. She doesn't want us to see.

That was crazy. I think the net is meant to be some sort of location-specific equivalent of a four-poster bed with one of those sort of billowing silken sheets that come down. Like a four poster bed with one of those sort of billowing silken sheets that come down but it actually made disney princess bed but they've used a rancid old fishing net that's right and the camera just keeps rotating around and around and there's something about looking through the holes in the fish net to watch the action that does actually make you feel physically ill and then also it's like they were having slightly more i thought that they were

having a closer simulation of sex inside of the fishnet. Like this was how they contravened rating law where they were like, we can actually put in a real hardcore sex scene here so long as it's through a very flimsy and old fishnet. Did they, oh my God. Did they have, do we know anything about the filming of it?

Like did he have to wear wear a sock or something? Or are they just rubbing up against each other? We've got no intel, but give me some speculation. What do you reckon heffron would... I mean, she's visibly totally naked, Krista Allen, in the sex scenes. We saw Muff, I think, for the first, maybe second time in this movie.

A genuine whisper of Muff. Did you catch that? Yes, indeed. I think all I really remember seeing was Bush, which kind of seems like a barrier to Muff for me. Sorry to be controversial. I use those terms interchangeably. I would use them interchangeably as well. We found one of those classic

Kiwi-Aussie differences we have. I want to see Hull. We do both call it whole. I don't know. I just feel like because I don't actually, I don't feel like you get like a real sense of how much moot is there if you just see like the top of a bush, you know?

Yeah. Demi, you have cycled through some of the most incredible sort of thesaurus-based terms for a vagina. Well, the minge is a beautiful thing. That's right. No, it's not. Listen, my fish hole is perfect and I won't have anything said about it, okay?

One of the interesting things about the film is that Heffron and Emmanuel almost share a bust size because he is of a size that his pecs are competing for screen's real estate with her breasts. Yeah. Tom, you actually um often when i see you talk about your desire to become thick and uh you you've posted gym content online before what's an estimate because i was admiring heffron's body and i was like you know what he probably spent the same amount of time he should have learning to act as he did just acquiring this physique how many man hours would it require to sculpt your body in that way?

I'd say between six and eight, if you really gave it your all. Six and eight hours. It's pretty quick. Total. Let's reschedule for 5pm tonight. See where I'm at. If I can't fit on screen, you'll know it worked. But he does have a softcore pornography content

but hardcore pornography acting. He is worse at acting than almost any real estate agent or man driving a purportedly false taxi. This is the least convincing portrayal. Or a used car salesman who's agreed to do his own ad, I would say, would have a better chance of landing the Oscar than Heffron, a star of seven movies in a row. Oh, my God.

Perhaps a pizza delivery boy who has very interesting ideas on what counts as an ingredient. He actually, they used... You do one, Guy. Who's better at acting than Heffron? Oh, a guy getting a massage and the masseuse accidentally is like, I want to fuck the guy. That's good.

Tom, do you have any more? Let's see here. Flipping through the old Rolodex of perversion. Delicately selecting something I'm fine with people knowing I've watched Let's see The stepbrother of a lady who is A stepbrother who's stepsister My goodness what's this

She's caught in a washing machine The mechanics of which escape me I don't know what is happening To these siblings' inner ears once their parents split up and get together with other people, but there is an absolute pandemic of confusion and a lack of bodily awareness and sense of balance. It is rife.

Thank God we have cameras on hand to capture this phenomenon because it needs to be studied. Absolutely. I have fell over 3,000 times in the space of half an hour and in this one specific place we um so i think one of the things about heffron and it's he is one of the men that makes me reconsider any physical goal i have because he really made me realize the amount of perspective that you can take on a male body like that is insane. Because his back is frowning constantly. Like he has a shelf.

Yeah, this is what I was saying. Demi brought this up. Yeah, I was like, he's got eyebrows on his back, dude. And I was like, what part of the body is that? But it's just like, it's just some extra like eyebrow. Is it like his traps have become so big that they form a brow? It's like lats here. He has a little shelf.

The lats kind of jut out at the back. The listeners can't see this. So we've got Demi's shoulder blades that she's showing us. It's so overdeveloped that they're forming a kind of brow ridge of the face, but on the back? Yeah, yes. Roughly nipple but on the back? Yeah, yes. Like underneath. Roughly nipple height on the back.

Yeah, about like just behind the armpits, where they traditionally are. He has like a Neanderthal brow. Yeah. He has lundia. He looks great front on, but as soon as you start rotating that camera, as we've established they are want to do, it is fucked up how many shapes that guy is comprised of.

Yeah, it makes it look like he has a normal body and then he turns for a second and it's like, oh, you fell down. Yeah, he's glitching through the geometry. He looks like a PlayStation 1 era approximation of what a male model would look like. They just haven't managed to do Lara Croft's titties with the scant number of polygons that they've got available to them. So it looks like this.

But this movie basically becomes Heffron and Emmanuel skipping through a variety of tourist hotspots on planet Earth. She sort of trades their shared appetite for sex to satisfy her appetite for worldly travel. And it's all happening without consequence. Oh, yeah, Guy got very into the interpersonal relationship and the potential abusive nature of it, really. Or like the transaction of goods,

where I felt like Emmanuel was sort of using Heffron. But I think it was a pretty fair trade. But also then on the spaceship we had this other What was actually quite in terms of Storytelling and movie quite an exciting Subplot where do you guys want to talk about the Intergalactic drama that unfolded Theo was getting so horny Watching some sex happen from the spaceship he spilled

His bloody soda on the motherboard Oh Theo you rotten clumsy Little cunt that was so annoying to me. He just gets such a big boner that knocks his gigantic soda out of his hands straight onto the most important aspect of this piece of spacecraft that anybody's ever known about. And then the ship is like, hey, you dipshit, that's my whole brain. that's that's my whole brain like fuck theo just have just have one piece of spatial awareness you dumb fuck i got so mad at

theo and he's such a pathetic character that i really loved i really enjoyed all of his like sad little he had he had genuine like kids show sad face or it's like, how are we going to make these kids know that this guy is sad? And they're like, well, give him a big rainbow for a mouth. Like, just fuck. Oh, my God. I have so many feelings about Theo. I thought his performance was fantastic. Because, yeah, you're totally right, Demi.

He looked like a lost member of the Wiggles had stumbled onto a softcore porn set with this childlike bemusement and a kind of expressiveness that you only get with children's entertainers. And it was so funny seeing that in the context of, ostensibly, an adult film. And he wasn't involved with any of the sex stuff. There was just this stupid workplace drama unfolding,

which they were periodically cut to, happening on an orbit around earth inside the spaceship i love the idea of someone watching that and just bravely valiantly masturbating through the sort of exposition scenes on the spaceship i thought it was funny i enjoyed the comedy of it there was like a military aspect to it where the military started to realize because they knocked out their cloaking device obviously i don't need to tell anyone that you know you drop soda on a spaceship the cloaking's gone but then you started to get the planes on a collision course and we were to believe that as soon as the cloaking of this ship dropped uh they were going to be like shot into the next

plane of existence by the united states military yeah what i loved about if you string the the bits of information that the plot has given us in this movie together in the emmanuel and space universe the american government is not aware of the alien presence and are outwardly aggressive when they discover it exists however the chinese government are working with them because there is a scene in a train with some sort of commissary of the chinese government when they're like doing some border crossing yeah um there's a scene where they're looking at passports and things when they're on a train and um heffron bags the commissary yeah and they have sex and they're having a chat about the like intergalactic

political situation of what they're doing. It's fucking awesome. She has sex with him like she's trying to adjust an office chair to adjust her settings. Yeah.

Like she's on top the whole time at no point displays any moment of comfort. Not the whole time. Oh no, you're right. There is a point

where it gets worse for her. Titties are just kind of like her sternum is part of the couch at that point. It sounds like you guys really combed through the sex scenes in this movie with a protractor and a compass to try and figure out what the fuck was going on. At one point, Demi did say she was trying to work. She was like, this would be the worst angle because he's just scraping the side. the side of, like, you know, he's, like, doing that thing where you walk by a wall

and, like, ding a stick against each bar of the wall, like you're doing here. He's doing that, but with his dick on the... Because he's standing upright, right behind her, and she's pretty much just standing up. So it would be like you'd go in and then just be hitting, like, you'd just be hitting the front of the pelv, you know? You're just like hitting tummy skin, basically.

And she's like, oh, yeah, good. Knocking on the belly button. Great. This is good. And there's another point where like she's on top, but both of her legs are completely shut and here's a kind of spread. And it's like she's just rubbing vulva on Gooch. Like it doesn't look like anything.

At one point when they were doing Missionary, Demi had been silent for a while and then just screamed out of nowhere, he's just doing the worm on her clums. He was. Fucking was. He was doing like white guy early 90s breakdancing, but in a pussy. Wow. I mean, I think I know the answer,

but it feels like as good a time as any to introduce, and we haven't had to do this simultaneously before, but the boner inspector and also Pussy Patrol. So was there a whimper of arousal from either of you during this film? I was disgusted the whole fucking time. I don't know how else to put it. Yeah. It was just, like, it could have been, like, this movie was so unhorny,

it felt like I was watching a eulogy, honestly. I've never been so disgusted and bored by people who I can, from a still image, identify as heart-stoppingly beautiful. Yeah. So there's no boner for me to inspect around these ways? No, sir. There ain't been a twitch of activity here for about a week. Huh. And that's because of the movie

in fact we don't need to think about that anymore I think the closest that I would have got to Arousal was, it wasn't the moment but it was the scene where we did see Pubic here on Krista Allen is it an orange

paris out that window am i looking at a flower in the wind never mind oh my god i'm looking at a flower jimmy looks behind her jimmy looks behind her jimmy looks knowing that full well that we have no window behind us jimi fell for the dog trick. Wowee. Guys, I'm so stupid. Tom has started saying, guys, whenever Tom says something dumb, he's like, oh, no, I'm the Demi now. Because I'm so fucking dumb. We both agree that to be the Demi of the relationship is an insult,

which I got to tell you's great pr for big tom this is gaslighting i think and i won't be a part of that but no i just know i'm stupid i'll join me really dimming it up there me looking out the window and hallucinating an orange parrot i think speaks to the utterly unerotic content of this movie yeah like at its very crescendo i was disgusted yeah i didn't have a tremor of a turgid penis over here no blood was leaving the neighborhood i think one point where i was like i could conceivably see that potentially this might get someone um haunted up is like when they when they did the lady lady on the boat i was like ah oh yeah yeah yeah maybe it's kind it's like nice making out but also most of it

was just emmanuel touching her hand and rubbing it all over her there was one bit where they suggested that the the other woman knew where emmanuel's uh vagina was yeah bit where they suggested that the other woman knew where Emmanuel's vagina was. Yeah. But then they immediately returned to that sort of torso and hand play, which we've come to know and love. We had a brief moment of confirming that they were aware of the human anatomy and how it worked. But unfortunately, abandoned. There was a point, I think, in perhaps the second sex scene, I think. Or not even sex scene.

It was just after they're done boning in Greece, I think. And they go back to a bed. Oh, that must be dirty. Boning in Greece? I don't remember any such filthiness, Demi. It's the same joke done two ways. I've never been in love with you. I am proudly the Demi of this relationship now.

I will wear it like a badge of honour. Anyway, there was a point where they're just having kind of like a fun little makeout scene where like Hafron is like kissing down her body, which by the way, there's a lot of points where wherever he's like, you know, you're getting a little bit of an audio come. He always, the sound that he makes, it sounds like the woman smells bad. He's always like, he's always like he's always like it's it's really odd but there was a point in that just like the second kind of sensual scene he's kissing down her body and he gets to near the pubis and then it's like oh

you missed it champ you're still going he's going the whole way down to the heel yeah just putting there was a point where we were both completely sure he was going to put his whole gob over a heel and just have a little just be sucking on ankles at least that's something i think there's more people into feet than there isn't a food play but this whole franchise pays so much attention to that this kind of like naive lack of knowledge of the female form works in the earlier movies because the whole thrust of this Emmanuel in space idea is that a group of

scientist aliens have captured Emmanuel to teach them about human sexuality. So for the first like one, two, maybe three movies in this miniseries, you're like, okay, I get it. But by this point, Heffron's been having an outrageous amount of sex

when he finds out about the hole he is gonna lose his mind i think the same thing yeah yeah when he accidentally winds up and when one day you manage to find where it is it's gonna be a real it's gonna be against the invention of the wheel for the meantime to my fellow adventurers i will say this there's nothing wrong with setting up Camp in the Belly Button. Now, on the basis that this is probably not the best porno in the world, and without too much surrounding context for why I have to do this in character, my name's George Lazenby, and I'd like you guys to pitch me a porno. What the fuck? So George Lazenby

is a co-host on this podcast season and we throw ideas for adult films at him and he sort of assesses them on their merits. So I'd love to hear from Demi and Tom. What's your porno pitch for George

Lazenby? I'm a fantastic listener. He's the'm a fantastic listener. He's the world's greatest listener. The first thing that kind of popped into my head, and I'll just throw it out there. Whose phone is that? Yours. Definitely mine, yes. Sorry about that.

I would love to see, because there was some attempted footplay, right, in this movie, like almost, some very almost footplay. And I think with the right amount of audio, you could genuinely make a more sensual film simply by filming people putting on their sneakers and having the sneakers moan in ecstasy. I honestly think that that would be quite a bit more randy

than a lot of emmanuel in space oh color me intrigued demi tom would you like to build on this titillating picture yes you can feel improv dragging you to somewhere you don't want to be but you can't want to be, but you can't free yourself of its ice-cold grasp. Certainly. I think when you think of the naked sensuality of shoe,

I think the only thing that compares to that is, once we're done being fitted with the shoes, and the shoe is kind of basking in the afterglow and being transported to somewhere. I mean, what better place to find yourself walking to than the strawberries, cream and lobster store where we can stock up for that long winter we have ahead. Oh, a specialty supermarket full of my three favorite erotic foods. Can I just add, particularly for the long seasons, nothing keeps quite so well as lobster and strawberries and cream. You've got to tell me, do they have refrigerators in this store? Not a one in sight, my man. I think that is George Lazenby's first come.

First come on the podcast. Commissioned. Well done, you two. Let me say this also. Emmanuel, there is a basic filmmaking technique where if you were to show a picture of a person's face and then you were to show a picture of anything else, you know, a rolling vista or a dog playing on the floor, the human brain would think to itself, that man is looking at that thing. And at no point did Emmanuel convincingly use that technique. did Emmanuel convincingly use that technique.

There was a shot of a woman looking out a window and then maybe in 160p, a shot of the pyramids of Egypt. And all I could think to myself was like, that must be an error. Yeah. Well, we love to laugh around here, don't we? We're rounding things off. You guys, before we go,

what would you score this movie out of five possible erotic shoes? That's a five for me, baby. Yeah, each shoe worse than the last. For me, if I had to re-watch this, I would be incredibly saddened. That would be a dismal day for me, almost beyond compare. I found myself bored, out of my mind and out of Demi's mind also. I found myself approaching thresholds of boredom I've never felt before,

especially when looking at people who I should be completely wrapped by, statuesque physiques, gorgeous faces, very interesting amount of eyebrow on Emmanuelle herself. Yeah, she's got that 90s brow going on. Yeah, trimmed to within an inch of, you know, its life. I think the reason I'm... John Waters pencil moustache for an eyebrow. Yeah.

It's what the boys want. She has eyebrows that look like highway markings, you know? Like, they're very thin. Yeah, it's like a traffic inspector has marked her face like it's a tyre to make sure that it doesn't move. I would say this is a zero for me. Zero erotic shoes to balance out Demi's five. I've just given it a five because I respect how much I loathe

to being in the position to have to watch it. Honestly. A cumulative score of five out of ten. So, Tom, you love it. You love it at least 50%. I want to get your review of 5 out of 10. So, Tom, you love it. You love it at least 50%. Well, I want to get your review of this film, Guy. In the scale of Emanuels I've glanced so far, probably 3.5 shoes out of 5.

Not for the porn, but for the story elements. It was fun when we were prancing around space and there was the threat of military action against the spacecraft. For me also, this is a 3 a half lobster film for two reasons number one what you were mentioning about the introduction of space warfare and the threat of it amazing we've never had anything approaching a story before really and also the philosophical turn that this movie took in inextricably the first act where Heffron started talking about all the amazing inventions that were born of human conflict and relationships that they don't share with any other species in the galaxy. And that everyone else just seems to get along, but they don't have this incredible inventive spirit that humans have.

I was like, whoa, whoa, wee, whoa. What's going on here? He did quote Borat at the time as well. But then we got to the fucking, we got to the strawberries, we got to the lobster, and we got to the stomach churning, rotating camera angles, and we never returned. Can I ask for a second? So it's a three and a half for me.

Because there is slightly more story in this movie, apparently, as opposed to the previous films, is there more convincing or exciting sex in the previous ones? You'd have to track back to the original 1974 Emmanuel film starring Sylvia Christel, which is sort of like this is a spin-off of the the original character

so these are affiliated but not canon necessarily and some of those 70s like the the 70s Emmanuel films and the 80s ones

were scored some of them were scored by Serge Gainsbourg they had clout and the first two are really really good

genuine erotic films there are some problematic elements yes but very much products there is there is uh a much more arousing representation and sort of you know capturing of sex and a love of cinema yes yes yeah these these were made with a very different objective in mind and i think it was to not let 13-year-old boys quite finish masturbating. To keep them on the hook for the full 90-minute runtime. Yeah, I was trying to picture myself at my horniest whacking off to this. And I don't think I would have made it. Well, you just would have to put on SBS, wouldn't you?

I mean, yeah, if you found this on Australian TV, this would be a gutting mistake of programming but yeah no this was very I did have to be like oh it's based on an old French movie because when Emmanuel says I'm from Paris it is maybe the least convincing line

anyone has ever uttered. Yeah. Oh my god I didn't even put together that she was referencing the first movie I thought she was just lying to the train guy or the person yeah she just is fuck paris wow okay i was like your accent is so midwestern american it is a mistake like just tell them that it doesn't matter wow and and with respect to to honoring our forebears it did matter. It did. And I want to now open up the concluding chapter of this podcast, which is talking about BigSoftTitty.png, our guest's podcast.

Tell us about it. Tell us where we can find it. Tell us what it's all about. It's our podcast. We spend time just talking to each other, going through whatever awful things we find online or offline. I have dedicated a significant amount of my energies

to curating an insight into these self-suck communities that line Reddit and their own forums. They are devoted. They are constantly injuring themselves. They are not hurting anyone. God bless them, and I wish them all the best yeah so we have self-suck roundup debbie does a game called suck off mario 69 and you know what we didn't plan for the podcast to be disgusting it was originally we were just talking to each other but then it was

just and and it's even got you know what's fucked up is i got so self-conscious when paul gave us a shout out on his podcast but because i was like he's listening to our filth and then it just got worse yeah it got so much we forgot to make the podcast good we keep being like you know what we'll do is we'll be nice and then another week rolls around fellas we're still disgusting anyway you can only be yourself the way you summated self-suck roundup actually sounded pretty heartening here's a community of people with a single-minded pursuit that has absolutely it doesn't touch the sides of anyone else's lives exactly you know god willing one of those gents

is going to taste the sweet end of his own cock one of these days well the great one of the great things about it i found my favorite thread that i is, have you guys ever sucked your own dick somewhere interesting? And a man just posting, yes, during a thunderstorm in the middle of a cul-de-sac. The apocalyptic imagery that is attached to anyone wandering upon that. Hail driving down the very sky itself splitting asunder i think our podcast in the way that our relationship has both has made us both completely unappetizing to any other person on earth apart from each other the podcast has also made us more mentally ill in the exact same way doing suck off mario 69 i get like erotic Mario Brothers fan fiction

and then make some up and Tom has to guess which one is which. It is fucked up how good I am now at writing summaries like they're from a Luigi pervert. I love that so much. We actually got to send a 350 page erotic fan fiction about ourselves.

Ooh, that's a lot. Only today. We haven't read it in its entirety, but it is 350 pages long. Oh, my God. Holy shit. And also, people can find both Tom and Demi on Twitch, and I'm going to put links to their channels on here, and I cannot recommend watching them enough.

It is the good shit. Oh, thanks, thank you so we're gonna fuck off now presumably to all masturbate in our respective corners but it's been a real thrill to have you guys on the podcast thank you so much for joining us so fun it's yeah thank you so much uh my commiserations i thought that this would be the final film in the franchise and then I checked and there is somehow one left after the last fling. There's just the space ones as well. Then we've got like another 25 films or so. Fuck me, fellas.

Can't stop, won't stop. The woman must fuck. Oh, my god.