The Worst Idea Of All Time - 23: German Emmanuelle

Episode Date: March 2, 2021

Tim and Guy sit down to watch the second Emmanuelle 2000 film 'The Art of Love' however only a foreign language TV edit was available. No matter, we've got a busy Boner Inspector, a heist and a crisis of confidence from Monty. Hard to say what exactly is going on in the movie but crucially, the lame ass jewellery remains.SUPPORT US ON PATREON (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Kia ora and welcome to the horniest season of the worst idea of all time on record. I'm Guy Montgomery. I'm joined by my esteemed and potentially aroused associate Tim Batt. No. No, he's neither esteemed nor aroused. We have just watched Emmanuel, The Art of Love, independently but simultaneously, separated by health protocols and suburbs, but not by our media consumption.

Now, you might remember in the previous episode of The Worst Idea of All Time, we watched a film that was originally recorded in english overdubbed in russian or german but the sync played in almost perfect synchronicity with the english underneath it in what was being the operative word yeah truly one of the most challenging oral experiences I've had while watching a film. This time, mercifully, they have removed all of the English. So we just watched Emmanuel exclusively in German. Yeah, I feel like I can speak German now, which I know academically isn't true, but I feel it in my bones. Certainly bits of German I picked up.

I feel it in my bones. Certainly bits of German I picked up. For example, did you know that, um, oh baby is the same in German as it is in English. The colloquial use of baby as an affectionate term for a spouse or partner that transcends the language barrier. I didn't, I didn't know that to watching, um, Emmanuel and the art of love from the Emmanuel 2000 series. But now I do. emmanuel and the art of love from the emmanuel 2000 series but now i do i also know that um occasionally when you're german and you're speaking only in german every now and then you

will say kiss me as in oh baby marco kiss me yes there is uh another german english it was that um was it adam sandler? He was in the Spanglish movie. Am I remembering that correctly? Famed linguist, Adam Sandler. That's right. And his co-star, Selma Hayek in that one? Do you know what? I've always thought it was Selma Hayek,

but I have a suspicion that it was just a lookalike-y. Really? This is what I think, but I'm open think but i'm i think it's someone famous i think it's i think it's a pretty paz paz vega paz vega okay you know you know paz vega anyway you can't get selma you get paz i was searching for a word that articulates the german english sort of hybrid as spanglish does spanish and english german english doesn't work in german i mean nothing's gonna right really gonna hit well in german's not bad for for a porn film then but my favorite part of german the german language is um is when they say what is that in german it is just was ist das it's sort of i know that the that german probably predates or is on equal footing in terms of timing with english

but my ignorant understanding of that is they're like well we kind of like the rhythm of what is that but we wanted to have a little german tang was ist das it's like fun to say isn't it it's just perfect but yeah i mean what we just watched was uh i think as you correctly speculated early on a tv edit now here's the fucked up thing about that the germans known for for being a filthy people who love porn, but for some reason in this, I'm assuming, German TV edit, they've cut out like 80% of the sex scenes, I'm guessing. Because you can tell where the sex scenes kick off and then there's a very awkward cut and then we're back to no sex.

It's honestly, it was almost merciful like it really highlights just how much of the time when you're watching porn is taken up by the sex scenes namely a third of it yeah like exactly a third because this clocked in at i think 57 minute running time and normally they're 90 and i was not wanting for silhouettes of penis or, you know, tasteful shots of a hided mound. I was very grateful for all the nudity I came across. There's the thing, right? Because they still had... We had some female breasts.

We had kind of like the same amount of anatomy that we've had in the other Emmanuel films But just less pained, languid sex scenes But we've got to cover the genitals of everyone Yeah, they really tightened it And look, I know this is quite early in the show To introduce this segment, Tim But I've got to get the boner inspector in here

I actually was thinking we should introduce the episode with him in. So this is, I forgot to do it at the start. Please open the door. Get him in here. Get him in here. Boner inspector! Hello, sir. Guten tag. Guten morning. Ah, ja.

Guten tag. I see you've been watching my, one of my German experiments. Yeah. Well, please. No boner. Sorry, I don't want to jump the gun here. No boner. There simply wasn't an opportunity. I was too

enthralled in the story of some Thomas Crown-esque art heist film with just a hint of female nipple strewn about the place, but there wasn't enough sustained erotic content to get my humors rising. How about you, Guy? I would love to talk to the Boner Inspector about a situation or segment I would either call, and this is your call, Tim, and the Boner Inspector's, either turgid time or boner on the offbeat.

Okay. Boner on the offbeat, please. So there's a scene. They go back to an apartment. There's the man and the woman, Marco and a blonde woman who looks a little bit like Al McPherson. Zoe. Oh, yeah.

They go back to the apartment, and Emmanuel has sort of, she's done to them in some way and she's there and then another guy who looks like a carbon copy of marco like his brother shows up paulo yeah was that was that his name his name is paulo i'm pretty sure it's that guy anyway when the brother when the brothers were saying hello to each other and this is why it's called uh boner on the Offbeat or Turgid Time. Not full-blown boner, but the closest I've come to having an erection

in the entirety of the Emmanuel series in a way that I observed in my body and outside of myself and I said, oh, this is a familiar feeling. What's this doing here? Was that scene. And then before it could even reach its final form, it dissipated

but um i mean it's not nothing it's something to tell the boner inspector i i would like to drill down on which scene this was as no one drilled down within the scene because this was a sex-free edit but was this this when the couple that wasn't Emmanuel, they had sex, and then Emmanuel walked in, and then the guy from the other couple proposed on the spot? Well, before we get into this, we just need to both make sure we're clear that Emmanuel, she's the blonde, the non-Al McPherson lookalike,

the blonde woman. Dude, I'm so sure we both can lock into which one she was. A lot of people talked to her and called her by her name. But the scene, the way I saw it was the non-Emmanuel couple, them and Emmanuel, there's no sex happening at all. They all just go back to the apartment in San Francisco. They're all in the apartment. They're all standing around, hanging out, catching up,

talking about whatever it is German people talk about. And then this guy comes over, Paolo, and he knocks on the door, and he enters the room. Yeah. And that's when I noticed that I was entering turgid time or having a boner on the offbeat. And then the friends familiarize each other, and then the non-Emmanuel then the friends familiarize each other,

and then the non-Emmanuel and Paolo couple, they leave, as does my boner. And then Emmanuel and Paolo have some sort of tryst, some sort of erotic moment. And then the non-Emmanuel couple come home with champagne, and Emmanuel and Paolo are still naked, and it's all super super relaxed and i kind of admire the freedom with which they're living their lives very german marco proposes to al mcpherson and she says yes and this is arousing to all parties um but i really thought it was crazy to me that that did not turn into a foursome.

I know. I couldn't agree more. I thought that was what we had to look forward to. I was disappointed it didn't. But, I mean, by this point, I'd already had a boner drift in and out the door. And so to the boner inspector, I say, thank you for your consistency in showing up it is a pleasure to have something to report to you i'm sorry it wasn't um you know like in new zealand we have a there's a this is probably international maritime law everywhere but if you catch a fish

different fish have to meet different measurements to be qualified as keepers and uh if you were to measure my boner against the keeper measurement i don't think it would have been a legal boner you'd have to throw it back into the ocean to grow into its full full self this was an undersized boner if the boner inspector has been fishing for however many weeks without any bites you've got to admire the stick-to-itiveness of the boner inspector. And you've also got to say, hey, guess what? There are some fish down there.

Keep dropping that line, brother. It's very good to get a bite every now and then just to justify being on the water, isn't it? Absolutely. I mean, but, you know, you can have a lovely time on the water. I think this analogy might have looked... You can have a lovely time on the water without going fishing well i guess that's what we're doing in a way isn't it yes we're just getting out on the water every week um and there's been no big bites so far and you tell you you tell your friends you go oh two and i were out on the boat again last week they go did you catch any fish oh no we're not fishing we are fishing in a way we're fishing for erections i want to try and figure out what this

uh film was about with you guy piece it together um here's here's what i've got uh san francisco that's where we are I believe The movie opens With a pretty straight forward Plot Which is that there's an art heist Going on So a guy comes in And swaps a painting over

Which is Quite visibly a child's painting Both times And done on A piece of cardboard that he takes out quite visibly a child's painting both times and done on like a piece of cardboard that he takes out of a frame, which is not glassed over or secured in any way, shape or form. You say that, but fine artists,

once they've refined their technique and have displayed a technical prowess, it sort of unlocks the ability to then engage with art, however they so choose. And so a painting that you see could have been done by a child. This is in fact high art. I see. That's my bad.

Are you one of the people who goes into an art gallery and you see like a Jackson Pollock and you say, I could do that. Not a Jackson Pollock specifically. Yeah. I've like, I've seen examples of like solid color that's been painted on a panel and i'm like i don't know if this should be here this one i don't know in fact

i'm gonna say it shouldn't because i think just a block of solid color is it's not really what's it doing you know where do you think it should be what's a more appropriate place for it put it at home if you want to make it far be it for me to stop you but maybe put that one at home it doesn't need to less than the artist you question the judgment of the curator i guess that's what i'm saying yeah artists can do whatever they want big big believer in that Art galleries have a duty to the audience Can't just go whacking up a

A huge frame that's one solid Painted colour, you know You're kind of wasting my time Do I go to the art gallery every day? No I don't, I don't get there very often So when I get there I want a little I want something good

Something special What is wrong I think some of the most striking art you could see Is just one specifically chosen block colour Painted with a variety of intensity Of brush strokes on the canvas And I guess that's why you're wrong Isn't it

Because you think that that is something That deserves to be in an art gallery It's interesting I think anything could deserves to be in an art gallery. It's interesting. I think anything could deserve to be in an art gallery. Isn't it interesting how we're different like that guy and that you sometimes are wrong? And so are the art curators, to their credit as well. So I guess you've got that in common.

So maybe you could be an art curator at a gallery. That's right, Tim. It's not you. It's everyone else who is the problem. 100%. I've always said that, which means it's definitely true. It also kind of depends how big it is, to be honest. Because if it's really big, I would be tricked into thinking it was justified.

That is such a classic confidence trick it's just like doing something on a massive scale and then everyone goes oh yeah well that's a big one of those had you had you find a big enough canvas

and enough paint exactly so there's an art heist anyway it kind of looked like someone had sat on a photocopier with their butt and taken a photocopy. It was two spheres.

It was two peach-colored ovals, not quite touching, but very close to each other on a, I can't remember what color, but a fairly plain background. And it was a simple painting, but I could see why it was desired. That got swapped out for reasons that i couldn't quite ascertain because my german is rusty but then emmanuel seemed to intervene on the situation and i'm delighted to report uh to to our listening audience that the shitty $2 shop jewelry is back, which leads me to believe it is the centerpiece of Emmanuel 2000. The central device that ties all of these movies together,

both in a literal sense and in a plot device sense, is something that I think I have seen at $2 shops my entire life. It's undeniably the binding agent for this series emmanuel has a sort of headband slash tiara with a plastic heart on the front of it and when she puts it on if by chance someone is wearing the matching plastic silver necklace she can exercise mind control over that person we don't know why we don't know necessarily to what end actually i learned another german word that's similar to the english and that is amulet ah that was said a couple of times and i like that they were calling it an amulet as well

what is an amulet as i would say an amulet is like a piece of jewelry that, well, the way I know it, it has magical properties to it. So it's usually in a necklace, I think. And it's like a physical object that's imbued with some magic. Oh, wow. Is it like protective amulets? Hermione Granger has that time turner. Oh, I'm not a Harry Potter guy. Is that an amulet?

It's a necklace that you can sort of fuck around with the fabric of time using it. That's an amulet. Maybe. I don't know. I haven't read the books. Yeah, well, they're having a huge resurgence at the moment as everyone rallies around J.K. Rowling. Yeah, I heard she's backing everyone's good graces.

Yeah, she just can't help herself. Every time she opens her mouth, the public love her more. Good for her. What I kind of was taken aback by was there's one scene, despite the fact that a lot of the sex scenes got edited out. And as I mentioned, I don't feel like we missed a lot through that because we still saw some semi-naked people. You don't see full penetrative sex in any of these movies anyway.

But there was dry humping depicted as real sex. So it was kind of like the thing that I think they're doing in some of the other movies and some of the other scenes with but they're just like shooting around it and that you know below the waist maybe some of the actors are wearing something um but in this it was like the characters had jeans on and a dress but they were like dry humping to completion but they were like dry humping to completion against a wall i think that's really cool and maybe go somewhere to explain why i thought dry humping was such a um a hot option as a teen i mean as an adult i look at dry humming and i think sure it's a great place to get started I look at dry humming and I think, sure, it's a great place to get started.

It's like rubbing a couple of sticks together, but you know. I think it needs a rebrand. Dry humping is a horrible turn of phrase. Both words are quite bad. Does it not capture exact, like I imagine sort of denim on denim. And I can actually almost hear the jeans rubbing against one another. I think it captures the essence of what is happening so perfectly. A name change would be insanity. But it isn't very positive.

I feel like we could make it more sexy with a name change. Who are you working for? The fucking Christians? Yeah. Yeah, maybe I am, man. I'm working for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. A noted fan of dry humping. That's right.

He was big into that. He's like, it doesn't count if it's dry. Yeah. Because he was big on all that whether or not it counts stuff. Isn't that such a funny framework to look at sex and sexuality through it's like you just create these arbitrary distinctions of whether or not what you're doing counts as sinning or cheating or whatever the context is but it's like no no no this doesn't count are you talking about anal are you ever seeing every stand-up comedian and talking about anal

sex i was actually i was not thinking of anal i was thinking of like jesus i was thinking about anal well yeah anal was it is a vintage example right because it's what it's the the line that all these people would wheel out they say well i'm still pure in god's eyes because anal yeah well i'm just thinking like i'm imagining jesus being like trying to sort of he does something and then he tries to explain to everyone why it's okay and he's like no no no because the you know it's flesh on flesh is the problem. But if I hump Mary through this cassock, we're good. I don't know if Jesus really... I feel like this is maybe something we've given Jesus. I don't know if Jesus was known for being a big advocate and proponent of dry humping.

Though I could have that wrong. You're probably more religiously educated than I. So what's the skinny guy? Was JC known? A lot of the bible is dry humping and that is honestly what turns a lot of people off from the church is they're like i cannot tolerate feeling this pent up any longer like is this guy gonna get it out and get it on or am i just gonna keep reading about him getting fucking cock burn from rubbing his penis up against his hemp cassock. What are the horny religions?

Are there any real horny ones? Do Jehovah's Witnesses have multiple wives or is that someone else? That's Mormon fundamentalists. But that situation is not very horny. It's kind of more entrapment style stuff. That is. Yeah, it seems like subjugation not very horny. It's kind of more entrapment-style stuff. Yeah, it seems like subjugation more than a warning. Your baseline Mormons, from what I understand, very happy, largely contented people.

Mormon fundamentalists who are following a more extreme sect of the religion? No, no, no. Yeah. Mormonism is an interesting one because they uh they found it themselves real late in the piece like way further than you would think it would be possible to found a religion and have it take off but do you know what else they did they got it off the ground and they did they really did respect yeah they got it off the ground well i would love to talk about the the music of this movie

because I think this had one of the most banging soundtracks since our early Doors Emanuels and also one of the most of its time soundtracks. Well, I'm glad you mentioned that because I looked up the guy who did the music. I've forgotten his name. I think it's Marco. It starts with a C.

Did this guy do all the music? Because we his name i think it's marco it starts with a c oh this guy do all the music because we covered at least two genres um no i think the sense that i got is that he was doing like the original compositions for it but um i'm actually going to find his name because uh listen yeah i'll have to admit to you guys while the movie was on I drifted slightly and had a little look at this guy's Wikipedia page. And he was a famous disco drummer and then went on to produce a lot of music. He was famed for putting on a lot of shows. This makes sense because the soundtrack choices that weren't original score sounded like actual songs of the time. You sort of had that early 2000s techno house style track

um yeah after my turgid time moment had passed it sort of there was a the the sex scene between emmanuel and paolo was scored to like this song that had the refrain i'm not sleeping tonight and uh it was sort of like up and a bit housey and it was matched perfectly with a lot of these sort of panning cuts of these two having sex with very inaccurate sort of approximations of how genitals might align with each other or how mouth and genitals might align but the general tone felt very of its time

and it really helped the scene whip along and soar. It's like some dawn of French house stuff going on, eh? It's got that disco groove. Saron is his name. That's his performing name. His full name is Jean-Marc Saron, and he's still knocking around to this very day. An influential producer of 70s and 80s disco songs,

over 30 million album sales would you believe guy including over 4 million in france alone and so i think what's his most famous song uh apparently um love and c minor sarone's paradise supernatural um i yeah he did he in 1991 he played on the show harmony to celebrate the launch of japan's first high definition tv satellite 1991 imagine that i remember when japan launched that high definition tv satellite i said were you involved it's not gonna work i said it's not gonna work you got sarong over here for nothing. This is going to be humiliating. And boy, was I wrong. And that's when I learned.

Hey, check this out. Wait, what is this? The rock opera was played. This is just a continuation of, what is the rock opera? I guess he wrote a rock opera at some point. It was played to over 800,000 spectators at Tokyo Harbor. Saron adapted Harmony for theater in 1992 the musical dream time which was based on an original story by sarone ran for 140 shows on broadway at the ed sullivan theater famous for hosting uh tonight the late night show

is it still there? Like, do they still do it in there? I saw a Letterman taping there when he had Seth Rogen on. It was very cold in there, eh? You told me that, right? That they'd make it real cold? I might have. I don't remember it being cold.

I mean, I barely remember the details of the show. I always envy people who are like, I was here at this time and I remember all of these details. And I feel like, been cold i mean i barely remember the details of the show i always envy people who are like i was here at this time and i remember all of these details and i feel like i remember how i felt at obscure times from memories i did not choose to remember things that stay with me i have no idea what's going to stay with me yeah yeah i i mean i just watched this movie and i know i just told you that i like drifted onto Saron Wikipedia territory,

but I really did make an effort to pay attention. I've forgotten most of the film. I don't know what the fuck was going on. The fact that it was all in German didn't help, but I still should remember more of it than I did. Well, I'll walk you through a few other bits in Bob's turn, because this movie had more twists and turns than a frickin' hydra slide and uh

certainly my mental health and relationship to not just this film but the entirety of the emmanuel franchise and what we're doing they were right there on the on the goddamn they were on the slide with it like i was sort of just as soon as they started talking in german and i went to see if there was an alternative audio track or perhaps some subtitles, and there weren't, I thought, okay. I mean, it's like, how are we here, for a start? You sent me one word, Guy.

We kicked off the movie, you sent me one word on Messenger, and that word was German. That's right. And I was like, what? Like, how am i watching how am i watching 2000s us softcore made for tv pornos in german how what what decision you know like you never know what decisions are going to lead to what in your life and it's you know life is just a series of small decisions that don't feel significant in the moment stacked on top of each other until you're looking down at every decision that's led you to this point and you're thinking

i didn't realize that any of these were going to land me here i had no idea that this was going to lead to this was going to lead to this and on and on and on and on and so here i was looking at all the decisions that led me to being in this house at 10 a.m on a tuesday watching emmanuel for the love of art or whatever the fuck it's called exclusively in german with nearly all of the sex scenes cut out but i thought who have i wronged what have i done but i took solace knowing that my friend tim was doing exactly the same thing and then i thought well tim has also made a series of decisions which has landed him in this position what are we doing here and then i sort of got into the movie and i quite enjoyed that it was in german and i thought the

soundtrack was good and all these other things but you know as as the movie went so too did my my journey with you know how i felt about myself i felt about this this project what the future holds and um by the end of it I actually was in a pretty good mood. And I sort of was like, well, that was fairly painless. You know, like this is a part of my life, but it's not my legacy, is it? This isn't the only thing I've done or will do. Although when I'm inside of it, it feels like it is.

Okay, so this is good. Because isn't that so motivating to think, I can't let this be the major thing that I leave behind or am remembered for or am known for. So then you've got to beat your own record. Well, Tim, if this is how we're framing it, there are two ways to do this. One of them is to work harder outside of this and achieve and you know achieve some form of

personal professional you know like some fundamental element of philanthropic success or accomplishment that outstrips whatever this is and the other one is to stop to stop doing this i mean is another way to outgrow this is to not watch any more porn. I genuinely think this consideration represents the two hosts of this podcast. Because my approach will always be to stack more things on top of a precarious pile of things. And I think you're a bit more wise and you're like, well, maybe we should take some things off this pile, which is about to fall over. And I will always say, absolutely not. It just needs another thing on top to counterbalance the other weight.

100%. I mean. Do you feel that's accurate? Yeah, I think so. But then, because I was thinking about it, I was, I was thinking about like about like you know all of this stuff was swirling around and then i was thinking about because i was thinking about bringing this up in conversation with you and then i was also thinking about like times when you've been furious at me um and when i in those moments have had this steadfast belief i'm like no no we must move forward this is

a part of the process is what it is and then i was like is that true now and i i mean by and large i do think that i respect your approaches you you'll say no no you just got to keep going and put another thing on and i'll be like uh you know i mean how do how do we outgrow this legacy first of all i want to revisit something are you furious at me and i'm not with the fact that we're watching pornography no i'm not i'm not furious at you but i was thinking like i'm sort of i feel lost and uncertain and i was like well i know that tim has felt this before and then the most recent example i had of you articulating a version of

that was when we were doing the rob schneider series. And you were just, and understandably too, but you were getting so cross. It's because you kept explaining what the title meant to me. What was the title? I'm going to take the opportunity to do again now. Asian Mama Mexican Kids by Rob Schneider. And why was it called that? I think it's because his mother is filipino and his children are mexican but if

his mom's filipino how are his children mexican because he has a mexican wife and mother to his children the truth shall set you free and with that tim i will endeavor to never explain the title of roche night is special again because i've proved that i get it yeah that took a really long time that took what feels like almost a year in fact it might be almost a year for me to understand a real milestone we've hit um so i guess is your question like are we doing the right thing that's the vibe i'm getting from you by persisting with this it's not are we doing the right thing but it's just like some days you you turn the movie on and it makes perfect sense some days you're watching

the porno sometimes the porno is watching you and yeah it's it was it was just one of those days where it didn't make a lot of sense to me and even within that and that uncertainty i managed to enjoy myself i mean hell tim i got like a 60 percent erection over here you know if anyone's figured out how to watch these pornos it's all turgid time montgomery uh credit where credit's due i would like to congratulate you on your uh b minus or maybe it's like c plus attempt at an erection but i would also like to take a little bit of responsibility for the frustration that you felt maybe the confusion on on on like what are we doing here? Sort of all at sea feeling that you had. While out fishing for a boner,

you felt all at sea. There's a lot of maritime metaphors in this episode. Because this was in German. It baffles me still how these movies are so hard to source in English because they were made in the 2000s and their pornography. and yet you're telling me that a sensible english copy does not exist yeah readily available on the internet

significantly as being made in the 2000s they were also made in english yes importantly that is also true i just thought that everything was pretty easy to find online. And I guess that's not true. And I would also like to take this opportunity to thank so many fans, listeners to the show, who have come out and provided some assistance with tracking these movies down. This is where this one came from. I wouldn't know where to find a German dub TV edit of a porno. And I didn't know that that was what

we were watching because i downloaded the file and didn't open it until this morning but there you go here we here we are i mean if we so long as we are talking about this this german edit tv edit of emmanuel the art of love um there were i i because we were sort of putting it together so you got this thomas crown affair type thing where the the couple the non-emmanuel couple steal the painting emmanuel sees them she seems to think that it is she takes issue with this behavior i think i feel like she challenges them to return the painting or perhaps i think you're right and i just want to add to that so that is i'm pretty sure mar, Marco and Zoe are that couple.

Zoe and Marco. So Zoe and Marco steal this painting. Emmanuel pressures them to return it. Along the way, she also befriends them. And along the way, she also starts controlling Zoe sexually. And along the way, she also meets Paolo, who is Marco's brother or friend. And then along the way,

these characters also wind up on a boat. And along the way, that guy, Saron, starts using a really cool sort of wind chime SFX that sort of like is the binding agent for all of the um all of the boat scenes are like

taped together with this wind chime sfx and also they use this really cool editing feature like a looney tune style blackout a few times in the movie where it's like at the end of the scene when we thought they were going to get a foursome after zoe and marco get engaged and emmanuel and paula are on their couch naked after having had sex and you're like oh we're on here instead you just get this like love heart that zooms in yeah onto the screen until it blacks out entirely it's it's like a kind of a wipe mate oh i guess it's not a wipe is it but yeah i don't know i would know what i Looney Tunes was the best example It's like you know they go A circle comes in And the music goes

And Porky Pilgrim's going That's all folks I would love it if that happened on these Emmanuel movies Except there was some like disgusting guy with a moustache Going You just That's all, folks. I love that noise.

How talented were the Looney Tunes folks? They were making those a long time ago. They really were, guy. They were very good. There was probably like three people involved just doing a hundred different voices. Mel Blanc. He was the big one.

So I know a fact about this movie, which may or may not be true, but I'm pretty sure it is. I'm like 95% sure it's true. I have a fact about this movie, Emmanuel and the Art of Love, and I want you to try and guess what the fact is. And you've got 10 guesses in a kind of 20 question style

to try and get to it okay your time starts now and you have infinite time but you have 10 guesses alright so I don't get a clue or anything to start I just start talking the clue is it is a fact about this movie we've just

seen uh it's too open about this movie we've just seen? It's too open. Is the fact relating to one of the actors in the movie? No. Is the fact relating to one of the members of the production or creative team behind the movie? Yes Is the fact pertaining to the director of the movie? Yes

Has the director gone on to achieve some version of success outside of the softcore pornography sphere? Not to my knowledge. Is the fact pertaining to something the director had done before the release of this movie? No. Huh.

Was the director of this movie a New Zealander? No. I believe, was the director of this movie a New Zealander? No. I believe, was the director of this movie a woman? Yes. Is that the fact? Yes, because I'm pretty sure that was six. That was really good. I'm impressed.

Jill Hayworth, I think, is the first female director we have had in the entire franchise I think you are right as well but I looked her up online and I can't find anything about her but there are some photos in the library of congress of her for some reason and then I assumed that it was a different Jill Hayworth

no no one and the same I guess she is important as being the first female director in the Emmanuel franchise. Stop trying to pigeonhole women. They can be a member of Congress and direct 2000s softball porn. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not a member of Congress. Her photo as a director of pornography is kept because of its cultural significance in the library of Congress.

What, and you're telling me people who work in porn can't become a member of congress you are exactly the sort of person i've spent my entire life railing against you're doing such a good job of uh purposefully misunderstanding the exact thing i'm telling you that you could be a member of congress guy now now you're telling me that i'm deliberately misunderstanding something? There's only one person who can mediate this, and they're known for two things. Their ability to listen and the fact that they've had a boner for 50 years

that is tucked very neatly inside of the collar of their shirt. Please welcome to the room, George Lazenby. Yes. Please welcome to the room George Lazenby Yes Watch out, it's me, George Lazenby

Hey George, seen any good movies recently? I have, I saw Batman Returns at the cinema last night Did you? At the cinema, wow Tell me, did you like it? I haven't seen that movie since i think i was a little kid well yes it came out in 92 i remember i i heard that michael keaton wasn't going to sign back on to be batman and i said well george lazenby is around and and tim burton

well he never liked me because uh helena botham cardish used to give me the eyes and tim didn't trust me so anyway i got passed over and keaton eventually took the role and i avoided it at the time but i regret it because it was one of the great cinema experiences i always got the sense that those two were kind of in an open relationship because they lived in separate houses. So I just felt like they had their own things going on. They weren't limited by the normal constructs of a quote-unquote normal marriage. Yes, well, this is what I thought as well, but Tim's a pretty protective son of a gun.

Anyway, he knows how to direct a movie in the early 90s. It had Keaton as Batman. It had Michelle Pfeiffer in a defining role as cat woman and danny devito is the penguin and uh christopher walken is shrek some sort of businessman wow i don't remember christopher walken being in it is he prominent in the film very do a Does he do a good job? Fantastic. And is that the one where the Batsuit has nipples? Didn't notice the nipples.

Maybe that was the Clooney one, actually, which I can't remember which one that was. The Clooney one was the, that was Batman and Robin. Batman and Robin? Yeah. Which I think I watched for the podcast that I do.

I listened to that, yes. Did you enjoy the episode? That means you're a Patreon supporter, which is very gratifying to hear, George Lazenby. Yes. Well, when you fellas turned to porn, I thought, well, maybe they'll whisper some erotic secrets in the patreon and i uh subscribed and of course i get access to all the fantastic back catalog of content you've put out

great great great stuff love that um so george normally when you come here we pitch you a porno yes today i think we should take a similar approach that the version of the film we saw today had, which was kind of just skirting the sex stuff. Just maybe we do something else today. Okay. What are you thinking? Well, I'd like to ask your opinion on an art matter.

If you go to an art gallery and you see a frame of moderate size that has been painted one solid colour, albeit with a few distinguishing strokes, so it is visible that someone did it rather than some sort of mechanical process like a printer. Yes, yes. Do you think that it should be qualified to take up a position on the wall in place of, say, something else? sexual, erotic and oftentimes despicable beneath the veneer of a block color that they've had to

paper over the innermost turmoil and sexual anguish of their mind's eye with some loud green or out there purple. But if you chip beneath the surface, you'll see the actualization of sexual depravity wow and do you think that the threat of their image being in the room but not visible justifies the the painting being on the wall absolutely well it's been great to have you here george thank you so much for stopping by i've got to start asking you about more shit than just pornos because clearly you're a learned and fascinating man. I'm very intelligent, but you must remember the reason I come in every week is

I'm looking for a pornographic film that can relieve me. Take the week off, George. Agony. We're on glide time okay bye good day he's a good guy he's all right george lazar he's a bit sus but i think his heart's in the right place um i'm i'm loath to wrap up but i do want to. The bit that I'm loathe about is I feel like we really haven't talked about the film very much. Which I feel bad about. I think we got into the film a bit. I honestly don't know if there's a lot to talk about, though.

A few things I want to say. Every time a character, when they were on the boat, whenever they said Marco, I just wanted someone to say Polo. And there was a guy called Paolo in here, so they really could have set that up. I know. What else have I got here? and there was a guy called paolo in here so they really could have set that up i know um what else have i got here the uh oh the the the last song we're talking soundtrack the last song that sort of soft 2000s rock that served as the crescendo for the makeup sex at the end what the fuck was that that came out of nowhere and matched none of the other music it was like someone just slapped it on yeah but um it still placed me in the year 2000 it was a total departure from every genre choice i'd made so far but i was like well this movie really knows where it is in time that's true

can i ask you a question about this movie yeah did you enjoy the scene where the woman masturbated fully closed against a wall and a whole lot of art patrons just kind of watched deeply very good i'm rating the german tv edit of emmanuel and the art of love two and a half out of five I'm rating it No that's two fence city It's three I'm rating it R13 out of a possible R18

I like that rating system Alright folks we will catch you in the next exciting episode Of the worst idea of all time Where we will be watching Another porno Will it be in english probably not will it have a duration to last the full 90 minutes if i have anything to do with it yes it will will guy montgomery finally achieve a full-blown erection tune in next time to find out

time to tell goodbye Thank you.