The Worst Idea Of All Time - 24: Emmanuelle and the Commercial Kitchens

Episode Date: March 9, 2021

Emanuelle 2000: Emmanuelle In Paradise features kidnapping, three distinct countries surprisingly filled with white people and a vast amount of milk. In a satisfying turn, the boiz found an English version to watch this time and it’s a good thing because now they finally understand the shitty flashy heart jewelry device.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOATJOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer everybody ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing What's up? Welcome to the worst idea of all time before we've even put the mitts on. This is where I call headphones now because I'm a cool guy. We've got these kind of broadcasting sticks. You like that? Mics on stands.

Mics on like movable stands that you grab like you're calling a ball game. Yeah, and it feels good. Guys. Guys. Listen up. It's called The Return to English. Yes. Subs, no dubs.

Thanks to the good folks at xvideo.net. Oh, fuck up about all that. Let's not get too carried away. Well, all I'm saying is that Tim and I... We found and purchased a very legal, very above board... Third installment of Emmanuel 2000, Emmanuel in Paradise, and the entire thing was rendered in crisp 240p and English. With Japanese?

We're pretty sure Japanese subtitles. I don't know what the subtitles were But I will say this We've been missing out on a lot of good story God damn it I loved this one This is my favorite movie Of all of them

Of all movies Oh wow Not just Emmanuel This is probably my new favorite film What we did know previously Was that Emmanuel had some sort of mind control device Through the medium of like a $2 shop, headband, pendant, or bracelet.

What we didn't realize was just how far-reaching and ambitious the scope of the operation her and her friends were conducting using these mind control devices. Maggie and Philip, perpetually poolside. That's right. And Maggie is wheelchair-bound. Very progressive.

I guess. Yeah. To put that in a porno in 2000. One of the foremost feminist texts alongside 1997's Home Alone 3. Okay. All I'm saying is this. They've got big plans for these mind control devices that go

beyond sex. They delve into the idea of pure love. And then beyond that, even into DNA coding and philanthropy. And an exploration of the culture of the following countries. Brunei, maybe. Japan. Definitely. Or some version of it.

She was going to Tokyo. And Las Vegas, Nevada. Yeah. So this movie follows your traditional three-act structure. If your traditional three-act structure is three short films settled together as one. With one through line. A woman called Emmanuelle, played by the talented Holly Sampson, who I actually rate.

Yeah, I thought she was fantastic. She's a good actor. I'm glad she's in these movies it's it's interesting to think of what the emmanuel franchise is doing here in the year 2000 and what holly sampson's doing with the character as an actor but also the story and the direction that the franchise has gone since the halcyon days of sylvia cristal in deepest darkest thailand milling about with a variety of high-powered ambassadors. I miss Heffron. I will say that.

You miss Heffron? But can you draw, do you think you can draw a line from the first thing we saw to the year 2000? The original, what year was it, like 72? 71, I think. 1971. So you mean like do these feel even possibly in the same universe? Aside from the titular character going around and enabling people to realize, you know, the fullness of their sexuality,

do you think that these are companions? Bedfellows would be a good turn of phrase I could have used instead of companions. Honestly, not really. It's sort of a name only for me. Yeah. companions? Honestly, not really. It's sort of a name only for me. Pretty much everything after the first... Was there three of those Sylvia Cristal ones? At least.

Was it just two? Or was there six? I thought there were three. No, there was five. I feel like maybe she went away and then she came back and got trapped in purgatory on a flight with George Lazenby. Those were different though. I'm not counting those. So like we had the first two

and then I think maybe there was one other one and then it got into all of the nonsense. But you think that we're now just- All of the nonsense I can put in one bucket, but the first two do not fit in that bucket. Okay, they were art. They were erotica. The rest of these are pornography.

And what pornography? Look, I just I can't wait to tell all of you About this movie that we just watched Well, why don't I be an audience surrogate And you be a storyteller You should help me in this journey Because I don't want to mess anything up

Only as and when required. Tim. We're in Japan? Yeah. No. That's the middle movie. According to Act 1, we're in Saudi Arabia? Brunei?

This synopsis taken from Letterboxd seems to believe that we're actually in Morocco. Oh, okay. Should I read you the overview before you delve into the particulars? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please, please, please, please. Emmanuel 2000, Emmanuel in Paradise. Released in the year 2000, directed by Kevin Alba. The second installment. Hold up.

The second installment. That's not, I don't think that's right. Kevin Alba? Nah. Well, this is what we just watched. Okay, you keep going. The tagline? Around the world in so many ways. The second installment in the classic Emmanuel softcore film series

to be helmed by director Uri He. I'm so sorry. Can I just stop you there? Around the world in so many days. That's a play on around the world in 30 days. In 80 days. 80 days. It is.

What the fuck? Also, Letterboxd does not have a very clear articulation of who directed it even within the first sentence of the synopsis we've got a different director oh i keep thinking of um either alan or can you spell alan a l a i n is that still alan elaine elaine um sir something yeah i keep seeing too. I thought that was the director. But here on IMDb, it's got Udo Blass and Fred Olin Ray as the directors of this film. Oh, wait, sorry. That's of 2000, maybe.

We're getting bogged down in the cast and crew. We should be getting bogged down in the story. What we're trying to say is this. Emanuel in Paradise finds actress Holly Sampson in the role originated by Sylvia Christel. This time around, the seductress travels to such locales as Morocco and Japan, landing in passionate

trysts at every turn. That's all. That's it. So the Sultan is the central character who was in Emmanuel in the first bit, sort of. And I gotta say, I kinda like the Sultan.

I know, obviously, there's probably a caste system that he's ruling over, which is sort of alluded to. But just in terms of a guy, he's got kind of a cool energy to him. He's got a cool swagger about him. And there's not a lot of people who act really, really well in these movies, but I thought he is doing something. His name is Anthea Scordi, and he looks to be a still very successful

jobbing actor. That rules. His IMDb filmography goes from 2021 all the way back to 1994. Today. Anything that we might recognize that pops out at you? No. I mean, he was in the TV adaptation of Catch-22,

which I didn't watch, but they made anyway. Sort of like the Blacklist, that TV series. Oh, Blacklist with James Spader. Yeah, he's, Wait. Star Wars Battlefront 2's video game voice. He was a video game voice in Assassin's Creed. He's got a cool voice.

He's, I think he's probably lives a comfortable life. Anyway, listen, this guy's really good, is the Sultan. And he's the Sultan, and he's friends with Emmanuel, and he's kind of in love with her,

but not in a way where he's like, overly possessive and making her stay by like ripping up her passport in a way that's like oh emmanuel you'll always have my heart but i'm the sultan and so my heart also belongs to many others he's sort of he's never fully uh let his guard down to the point of allowing the possibility of true love enter his soul. He's got a harem or harem, depending on what part of the country you're from. And there is a businessman and his wife traveling through Morocco as guests and business partners of the Sultan. Correct. Very explicit that it is the man doing the business deals.

And it seems to be an oil concern. Yeah, they say oil a lot. They say oil a few times. And the Sultan is constantly wondering whether or not business opportunity, like all he thinks about is oil. Oil in his harem. Well, he's fascinated by the woman.

He loves the woman. So what this, the opening of this movie is we kind of open on an insistence from the Sultan to his business partner that in exchange for the successful business dealings which have occurred... The pleasure for which doing business has been... It must be repaid by the Sultan in the form of fucking a group of women. That's right. The pleasure must be equal.

fucking a group of women. That's right. The pleasure must be equal. And the only means of reciprocating the pleasure is by offering the services of his harem in front of the businessman and wife. And you'll be shocked and appalled to hear that the businessman is salivating, excited at the prospect of engaging with the harem. The wife, how did the wife take it, Tim? Not so well.

That's right. The wife, this old stick in the mud is not it. The old ball and chain. She says, you're loving this, aren't you? You're loving this because you're going to have sex with lots of ladies. I don't want to disrupt the flow, but can I ask you a question? Is harem one of those words that you've only seen written down and haven't heard spoken aloud a lot? I feel like...

Because I've never heard it pronounced harem. I'd say harem. Harem. Well, there's different ways to mispronounce a word. As the old idiom goes. Absolutely correct. Or I die on. Nice.

Thank you. So, that presents itself. Emmanuel gets inserted into the fray. She's there sort of incidentally, but I think is maybe friends with the guy? No, no, no. And then befriends the wife. She's just there as a tourist.

She's there to- No, she's friends with the sultan. Yeah, yeah. They go back. But she's there independent of the business couple. They get introduced by the sultan at dinner, and then Emmanuel befriends the wife. Halfway through the dinner,

the sultan says to the businessman, the harem is ready and your food will be delivered at your leisure while fucking. And the businessman gives a sort of guilty look to his wife, gives her a kiss on the cheek at which she recoils and says, I'm off to fuck. And the men go to do

manly things. Like eating sushi off a woman. Why? That is later. Does this franchise insist on combining coitus and food constantly? Do you know what?

Beyond the name, Emmanuel, one of the big through lines of the franchise. Emmanuel in French should translate to food fuck.

Yeah, there's a lot of food play and some of the food play which we'll get to later in this podcast and this film was honestly it transcended

disgust and became pure comedy. Like they were actually actively trying to taunt us, make us laugh, have a bit of fun. It's like a jackass sketch. So the man and the sultan go to the harem and the man sort of immerses himself in three to four women and meanwhile Emmanuel and his wife. I don't know if that's true, though.

Do we see him doing that? Yeah, he gets into the spa. Because later on, he is, so that is kind of meaningless. I'll say what it is, because people haven't seen the film, even though this is kind of slightly out of chronology. Later on, that same guy goes to kind of have some sex again with these people who aren't his wife and what's happened in the intervening period is emmanuel has had a dastardly idea and that is having the

wife dress up as a member of the harem and so no one else is there except for her and like a veil and that's that is the one disguise he doesn't recognize her because of the veil. Which throws him off the scene completely. And so then he chickens out at the last moment. He's like, I can't do this. I'm married. I love my wife. I want to make love to my wife and my wife alone. But you're saying, I really should remember what happened at the start of the movie we

just watched. I know. I'm saying. He jumped in the tub with all those women. Yeah. Here's a guy who's had his cake and is now going to also eat his cake. Exactly. That's the problem.

So the way he learned he only wants to have sex with his wife is by having sex with four other women simultaneously. And that is one of the classic ways to figure out that you love your partner. We're all fallible. Relationships are tricky. Sometimes you've got to dive into a harem. To have sex with multiple women at once. So that happens, and it's lovely because then the wife is like,

he does love me. Yeah, because Emmanuel and the wife, they talk about their emotions. You know, the men are doing man stuff and the woman, well, the woman are doing womanly stuff, talking about their feelings. They are, but here is where the movie takes a fantastic turn, because Emmanuel puts the device, which allows you to feel the feelings of whoever is wearing the other half

of the device. So one of them is a crown, a very shit crown with a plastic heart that has an LED flashing in it. Detailed by us before. And then the other half is a necklace, and so they communicate with each other the feeling of one wearer to the other so i think the crown is the receiver and the necklace is the center this is actually again if we're trying to tie the franchises all together

this is not dissimilar to the through line we had with the um you remember there was the magic potion that a monk gave one of the emmanuels yeah and she could transform into any woman it's your you got to stay pure of heart, though. You do have to be pure of heart, but it's the same device. Yeah, and then Emanuel in space, they're all on the ship. The crew had the, you know...

Yeah, the mind-reading device kind of thing. The Oculus Rifts that they put on. Essentially, as throughout the... But hold on for a sec. Can I just finish my thought with that? Because you were saying about the men doing manly things and the women doing womanly things This is where they flip that

Because Emmanuel puts the receiver device on the Sultan And then he freaks out Because the send bit of the device Has been put on the wife So he goes I feel like a girl And Emmanuel's like Yeah you're feeling the emotions of a woman Who's having sex with her husband.

Which was kind of cool. After they've professed their true love. It was really cool. And then just to really turn the dial up on intensity for the Sultan, Emmanuelle also fucks the daylights out of him while he's experiencing the emotional intensity of true love between a wife and her husband. You say fucks the daylights out of, but if there's one thing I've learned about this Emmanuel 2000 series, it's not, like, aggressive. No, no. Except for the cocaine addict, who we'll get to later. A lot of it's just humping.

It's like you're having sex, but it's a humping kind of emotion. It's their version of, you know, fucking the daylights out of. Yeah, that's true. As far as hardcore within the franchise goes, there's a real intensity. There's a genuine If you're 14 this is very hot Credit to the actors, there's a passion between them

Who? The Sultan and They're chemistry I didn't buy the married couple I thought the husband didn't bring it The husband was like he walked off of a off-air failed pilot for a sitcom and onto

the set of emmanuel 2000 he went big but then luckily in the third part of this movie we got even bigger but so this is like a little vignette so that that would close at the end of this the sultan experiences pure love both a woman's pure love yeah both through the wife and then also through being with emmanuel and sort professes his affections for Emmanuel. And Emmanuel goes, you got it, man. And then gets on a plane. Nice one, slugger. To Tokyo.

And on the way to Tokyo, through the device of her friends, who she's in cahoots with and experimenting with this technology, she says, yeah. So the Sultan was like, I love you. But to Tokyo, where a friend of mine is finding a lot of success in the tech world of business. Actually, yes. Sorry. And just in that scene when she's going on the airplane.

So she keeps talking to Maggie and Philip on a, it is obviously just a compact, a makeup compact. It's got a little mirror in it, like a foundation thing, but they're treating it like it's a video phone. They've used a very clever camera trick where you never see what she's looking at from her angle. You only see it from our perspective. It could be anything behind.

Wetter digital level effects to trick the viewer. Aye. And so what seems to me to be happening is they're collecting data about sex for some thing. Some computer type of thing. Do you know what? It seems like they're collecting

data on this for something. The endgame of Emmanuelle and her cohorts is never very clearly articulated. The first two movies which were in the series were in Russian. So I think we'd understand. One of them was in German. And I speak a little de Deutsch.

All this to say, we trust that their ethics are sound. For we must. Otherwise we are watching immoral people do immoral things. The second part of this three-part movie takes place in Japan where Emmanuel lands, enters a hotel, announces she's feeling a bit weary from the plane, a bit jet lagged from the champagne and high altitude. And the concierge says, we can fix that right up. And she does by taking off all her clothes, oiling both of them up and rubbing her naked

body against Emmanuel's who's lying face down on a massage table. That's right. And both parties seem to enjoy this. A little bit of no strings attached, guilt free, rub-a-dub-dub. It's like, on paper, hot stuff. In actuality? But in the movie, it just takes too long and it's boring and it's quite unsexual. I'll say this.

and it's quite unsexy. I'll say this. Because of the return to English, I mean, I, you know, the curmudgeon that I am, I've articulated that I've grown tired of some of the sex scenes previously. But like, because the story was really fun and we were back in English

and we were following what was happening and it was kind of exciting, these sex scenes became more frustrating because they were in the way of what was actually proven to be a genuinely enjoyable cinema experience the story you loved the plot not yeah not always you wanted to fuck the plot in the context of what i wanted to get his hard penis and put it in the man who you talked to last week i was at my wits end i was lost but this i was actually enjoyed within the context of the franchise and the podcast, I was enjoying

myself. And they kept interrupting that enjoyment to show people having sex with each other. Which would have been alright if it was kind of porn. But it never is with these movies. No. It's just two women oiled up, rubbing their bodies together. Quite obvious on screen that no one's getting a lot out of the transaction. But anyway, that kind of goes down.

That's neither hither nor thither. The main point of this section of the movie is to focus on a man who reminds me intensely of Metal Gear Solid's Revolver Ocelot. He's got a cool moustache, a deep voice, and a geisha. Who he has fallen in love with. Yes, he has. Breaking with tradition. And it's sort of a forbidden love because, as explained in the movie,

which also doubles up as a Wikipedia paragraph on the history of geishas. I have no faith that anything they said about Japanese culture is correct. So, you know, we're just going to relay what they told us about. The geisha and her charge may not be in love with one another. And so Emmanuel thinks, I think these two love one another. I will set them up because he is enjoying much success in the business world, but is isolated and alone.

His wife died two years ago. His true love. And while Emmanuel goes about setting this up, he hits the streets and winds up fucking some entirely different woman. Who is also a geisha, but this time American? Yes. From Europe. She moves away. Everyone in this movie, despite the fact that we traverse across multiple continents, has a thick American accent.

And a distinct lack of melanin against the country that you find them in. Aye, aye. We're in Morocco. Couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting half a dozen white people. There literally was one brown person in that whole scene and it was the Sultan. half and even that i don't know for sure semi-nude blonde woman but but he has sex with a geisha blah blah blah this is sort of like this was probably the weakest of the three stories oh no no hold hold fucking hold the fuck up guy. This was a juicy story unto itself because he was scared that if he started dating people,

he was going to come up against a gold digger who would try and steal all his wealth because women can't be trusted. That's right. There's only one who could be trusted, and he trusted her, and she died two years ago. He trusts Emmanuelle because they are friends. They are friends.

They're pals, And they go way back But this new woman that he finds Turns out to be the very thing he feared That's right For she is a gold digger Revealed too late in the piece But don't worry because Emmanuel successfully Uses her mind reading sex device

To pair the geisha with her charge She goes around to the geisha's house and says Hey, I'm emmanuel we haven't met before your house is tiny yeah first words out of her mouth fuck you emmanuel pretty rude but got them together happy ending yeah and so then they wind up together and emmanuel says well she doesn't even say it and it it's not even exposed through an external narrative device. All of a sudden, we're just in Las Vegas. And you think, okay, Las Vegas, huh? And there's a guy in a limo arriving at a desolate and deserted diner.

Tumbleweed blows across the screen. He announces four times that he's a Navy SEAL to his driver. And Tim says, are we watching the same movie? And we are. There was just no connective tissue whatsoever. This last of the three short films was far and away the most excellent, filmic, Tarantino-esque. Incredible. Probably questionable.

Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing basically we have a character here who's a former navy seal and is a high rolling businessman with a crazy life his words his literally an exact quote his words exactly i'm a high rolling financier and my life is crazy and he's not wrong emmanuel and another guy who we will call bill the three of them used to be best friends. They're best friends for as long as we can remember.

And high-flying financier, his life is so crazy that he doesn't even have time for his friends in his life anymore. Despite the fact that they've been trying to get a business deal together for the last two years. Exactly the same amount of time that that guy's wife has been dead, which is unrelated. Absolutely. And what is the business deal, Tim?

What are the particulars? Well, there's been a prior deal that was made, and it went fine by all signs that are produced in the movie. But this one's different. The organization that Emmanuel seemingly is attached to, but mainly the scientist friend runs, is now a non-profit it is dedicated to the singular cause of mapping the human genome a task that took a fairly large i believe group of the world's leading geneticists some time to crack in the mid-2000s and got them

a nobel prize but this guy's like i've got an idea for an internet company we're going to map the human genome put it online and people will be able to send us their dna and we will tell them what's wrong with them based on whatever is different from them their dna to this genome that we've sequenced which first of all i don't know if that's how that works at all but secondly very ambitious for one man hitting up a guy who's obviously a cocaine addict to fund and get off the ground. But I kind of love, like, whether or not that guy, the scientist Bill, is a scam artist or not, I love his moxie. I fucking love the big swings of the scriptwriters being like i just cracked my knuckles i know let's get into some shit let's really create a tale here it's like they wrote down all the ideas that they

could put in the movie and then they got to the last third and they still had more ideas than space left and they were like okay we could either leave some of these off the table or we could do it all at once it's so fun it is a lot of fun so cool you just get people saying crazy batshit ideas and throwing these schemes out and you're like yes yes basically the high rolling financier is like look it's good to be here but i'm busy i gotta get out of here i'm gonna get back in my limo and emmanuel and bill say, your limo's gone. So they have kidnapped him. And he says, okay, what's going on here? And then two women emerge from a commercial kitchen dancing.

And he says, huh, but kind of winds up enjoying himself and stands up to approach them. And Emmanuel says, no, they are dancers. And as you rightly observed, Tim, these are some of the worst dancers I have seen in my young life. They are given 45 seconds of screen time before a woman, another woman emerges from a different commercial kitchen. This is revealed for some reason to be Maya,

a long lost love perhaps. Of the high rolling financier. Of the cocaine addict man. And the cocaine addict man and the cocaine addict man is delighted to see maya and confused by her presence as we all are absolutely but he gets up he goes over to her she says you left he says i never wanted to leave she says i loved you he says i love you too and they go into one of the many commercial kitchens in this abandoned diner and we are treated to the most filthy, disgusting, gut-wrenching attempt to make a cake you have ever seen in your life.

We're getting three cups of flour and you just slap it on your own sweaty, naked body. We proceed to fuck and cover one another in ketchup, chocolate sauce, salt, and gallons and gallons of milk. Milk abounds. So gallons of milk. Milk abounds. So much fucking milk. He cannot stop himself pouring milk on himself, on herself. And the two of them just, they fuck and eat to their heart's content. It is revolting.

There's no other word for it. It is. Yeah, I mean, it's absolutely disgusting. And they finish. And all senses of the word. They finish. Maya disappears, never to touch the air of civilized man again. Listen, there's literally no explanation for how she got out of there alive.

There's also no explanation for how she got there in the first place. Oh, yeah, that's true, actually. Emmanuel has kidnapped multiple ex-lovers of a cocaine addict, marched them to an abandoned diner in the Las Vegas desert, and paraded them out to fuck and persuade this cocaine addict into closing a deal and providing seed money to an old friend who's setting up some sort of medical online scam. That's fucking awesome, dude.

Anyway, this is almost enough To push the cocaine addict Over the line And close a deal With his old friend To provide money But he says Nah actually Nah

Nah And Emmanuel has anticipated this And out of A third commercial kitchen Emerges Another Former lover This one

Eastern European Of the cocaine addict And he says What was her name? I don't know. Sylvia? Anyway, him and Sylvia then go outside. They fucking a T-Bird or something.

It's a cool looking car. That's right. Maybe it's a pink Cadillac, actually. Well, whatever it is, exactly the same story cycle repeats itself. Well, she's more angry. Yeah, she's more angry, but he's just as persuasive. And he says, I didn't want to leave you. I love you. And they have sex again. He comes back

into the diner. We do not know what has happened to the woman he's just had sex with. And he says, I feel good. Let's make this deal. Yeah. And then he becomes altruistic, right? He's not. Oh, that's not yet. Oh, you're right. He says, let's make this deal and emmanuel and bill

are so excited they can't believe their luck and then he says same deal as last time i will own everything yeah and they're like what the fuck and he says yep that's how i do business i must win everyone else must lose fuck you i've got no time for friends and emmanuel instead of saying get out of here you sociopath says i thought this might be the case may i present a fourth commercial kitchen and a third woman and there is something about this woman well i mean first of all this woman has been flown in from morocco she is a member of the original aram from the start of no reason no fucking reason whatsoever except to remind you that you're

still watching the same flick absolutely also commendations to anyone who has watched this film to masturbate and is stuck around like I'm imagining a lot of people with a flaccid penis in

their hand just you know gawk I'd looking at this film saying how do you resolve all of these different parts you reckon that's what this is the last bit? The writers know that everyone's stopped watching

and they're just like, let's just muck around. Let's see. Let's have some fun. Let's have a bit of fun. One just for us. So this last woman is the most like, she obviously had the most powerful connection with our cocaine addict because they,

he like, he sort of, he looks upon not just his actions that day, but of his entire life, and it forces some sort of perspective shift where he says, holy shit, I was off. I was way off. The man has had some sort of pootie-tang reckoning. That's right.

And he agrees to fire his lawyer, drop a brand-new contract dictated by Bill and Emmanuel, and then get into his limo With this woman Who he truly loves And fuck her all the way back to civilization Really cool stuff He invites Emmanuel and the scientist

To join him for a lift back Because they're in the middle of god damn nowhere in Nevada And they say no no no We've actually got one more story beat to do here And then he and Emmanuel fuck Yeah Bill the scientist and Emmanuel They sit at the abandoned diner The end is cross cutting

Between the two couples Sucking and fucking In the Nevada desert One of them in a commercial kitchen Surrounded by pots and pans The others in a limousine And Like just when you think you got

your head around it all the credits roll it's fucking great yeah really good film five out of five flawless i mean it's a it was a quality operation how much of this do you think like because i put to you that we need to go back and watch the first two movies that we've seen in russian and german respectively and really try and find them in it. Can you not try and find them in English? And I said, no. Yes, it was a firm no. We must continue to move forwards.

I want to be set free. I mean, look, I enjoyed myself today. Yeah. But that was against expectations. It was against previous experience. Do you think it's... I enjoyed myself. This was an oasis in a Nevada desert filled with cocaine addicts and kidnapped women.

This was genuinely the third woman from the fourth commercial kitchen. Yeah. This was the one that made me see, hey, there's something here. But if we see another Emmanuel 2000 in English, you think it's going to be like a second woman in a third commercial kitchen, where it will be enjoyable, but not convincing. In this game, it's just, you can't flash forward, and you can't, you know, it's hard not to look back, but you just got to...

You either die as the fourth woman in the fifth commercial kitchen, or live long enough to see yourself become the first woman in the second commercial kitchen that's right but yeah i mean look in a vacuum i enjoyed this a lot but that's not to say i want to retread ground that has already been covered nor is it to say that i'm excited to continue doing it if i find them i might do it on my own time and report back don't let me stop you it's a grand experiment that we're engaged in Boner Inspector!

God damn it Heya fellas Hope you enjoyed yourselves Hello Boner Inspector It's nice to see you Anything to report? Not from me, I'm afraid What about you, Montgomery?

Nope, I'll be on my way I like that guy Sometimes he sticks around I'm afraid. What about you, Montgomery? No. I'll be on my way. I like that guy. Sometimes he sticks around, and other times he really just comes and goes. That's good. He keeps you on your toes. Yeah, he's a mystery. Jesus Christ, someone's at the window. Hold on.

Let me lift the window open. Hi. Is that George? Hello. Hi, George. How are you doing? Come around the door. It's me, George Lazenby. What are you me lift the window open. Hi. Is that George? Hello. Hi, George. How are you doing? Come around the door. It's me, George Lazenby.

What are you doing at the window? What's happening? Well, I like to lean in the window. Just have a listen. You know, I do like to listen. Yep. And sitting can be uncomfortable because of this monstrous and unquenchable boner that I have tucked into the collar of my shirt. I was really expecting hemorrhoid,

and I should have remembered the big throbbing boner. You must know my mythology. I know your physiology, and that contains an epic boner, an epic perpetually boned-er. Now, from the window, I heard that you've had quite a positive pornographic experience. Well, it depends how you measure it, Mr. Lazenby, because on the one hand, I had a rollicking good time watching the film. On the other, sorry, you just missed him, actually, but the boner inspector was here, and I had to report no activity on that front.

I've got to say, if the boner inspector and I were ever to meet, we'd have a hell of a conversation. You two would get on famously. I actually think that could be a relationship for the heavens. That is really – I mean, you're made for each other in a lot of ways, aren't you? The world's biggest boner and the world's biggest fan of boners. Perhaps if someone could overlook my boner in granular detail, it might help. I don't think that would be the case. Conquer it.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Or we could continue trying to develop a pornographic film that could release me from this self-built prison. Yeah. Well, let me just check to see if Guy Montgomery wants to take a run at it this time or if I want to pick up the reins. What do you think? Fill your boots, Tim.

Okay. Very good. So here's what I'm thinking. What do you think? Fill your boots, Tim. Okay, very good. So here's what I'm thinking. We pick up all three threads.

Oh, my gosh. That were in this movie. It was ambitious once, but to run it back. Emmanuel 2000, Emmanuel in Paradise. But instead of having them as separated strands taking place in three acts, a.k.a. three short films stuck together with just one character recurring through the three of them being Emmanuel, we're actually going to have the characters interacting. So here's what's happening.

The Sultan of Morocco, who lords over both multiple harems and also an imaginable wealth born of an oil field. An imaginable or unimaginable? An unimaginable. Oh. I guess you could imagine it because it's a lot. So just imagine a lot of wealth. Okay.

So we've got that. My God, it's so much. It's a lot, but you can picture it. Yeah, yeah. So he has been approached by an American scientist who you wouldn't know it when he's buttoned up in his shirt and tie, but has an incredible rig. Nice. I like a secret muscle-bound scientist.

It is like Bruce Banner Hulk style terrain. It's crazy. Must wear a very slimming suit. I don't even know how it makes sense ergonomically. At any rate, he's been knocking on the door of this sultan to approach him to try and get funding for an online company that he's got in mind to sequence the human genome. A crazy ambitious project for this scientist to take on himself. Of course.

Which he's actually realized. So he started a non-profit organization, and with the funding of his best friend a cocaine addict financier in las vegas attempted to do this by himself blew all of the money and then realized he was going to need more than one scientist to get this done he is knocking at the door and begging at the feet of the sultan To fund this escapade Will he do anything? He will do literally anything To get this across the line

It is his life's work Now, while this is happening The Sultan has been on his own quest To quench his unquenchable thirst For true love He has been touched in his soul By the feeling of true love When Emmanuel, his good friend put a necklace

on him sorry put a crown on him so that he could feel important to know the emotion of a woman uh in sexual intercourse with her husband and it awoken something in him something he's never felt before deep love oh during sex my god so he's looking around and um he's been very interested in the japanese culture and has conned on to the fact that perhaps geishas a forbidden sort of love could be the sort of traditional role that would be able to fulfill this need of his. So he has kidnapped a lot of geishas. Oh, my God. And hidden them all around the palace.

This sounds... It's not great. No, yeah. It's not great. It sounds pretty questionable. So the geneticist is in the palace trying to get the wheels greased on this business deal. He discovers all these geishas around the place and now is in a very morally ambiguous juncture of,

does he put everything on the line to try and pursue his life's work of mapping the human genome so that he may help other people identify their genetic disorders through some sort of online mail service? Or does he, with this new knowledge, have to act on freeing all of these kidnapped geishas? And am I supposed to come to this moral quandary? Well, first he fucks a lot of them while he's thinking. Oh, very good.

Like a lot, a lot. While he's thinking, did you say? While he's thinking about it. He's pondering. He's really torn. And Emmanuel, strangely, on top of what already has happened with the salt and kidnapping all these um geishas emmanuel who we know from emmanuel in paradise has been best friends with the scientists for a long time she has kidnapped a bunch of ex

girlfriends of the scientists oh and they keep coming from random kitchens that are strewn throughout the palace. It's fucking crazy. Oh, my God. So this guy's doing a lot of fucking around the place. There's milk all over the shop. One scientist is just fucking every single woman. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. A lot of salt, a lot of flour, a lot of milk, a lot of eggs.

If it's in a chocolate cake, it's on top of him and these women. Okay. Eventually he comes to the conclusion that he has to save these women. So. After he's fucked them all. You got it, you got it, you got it. While they're in this compromised situation. Here's what happens. He devises a plan

to trick the Sultan. So he says, I'm going to prove that my technology works. Give me a strand of your hair. He develops a mobile lab in the palace from resources and computers that he has brought on his business trip. He manages to map the Sultan's DNA and identify several crucial genetic disorders that relate to the Sultan. Using that information of his ailments, he is able to kill the Sultan Using a poison That only reacts to his genetic deficiencies That everyone eats at a feast

The Sultan dies No one suspects a thing Because everyone ate the same food And in the chaos Of them trying to work out Who the heir to the oil field will be He manages to Escort all of the geishas out of the country to the oil field will be, he manages to escort all of the geishas out of the country.

Wow. Back to their home. Happy ending. Happy ending. Except he didn't get to get the sequencing genome business off the ground. And except for me, George Lazenby as well. Yeah, so this is what you're supposed to come to. I see.

Well, I am narratively pleased and relieved, but sexually hard and frustrated. Fair enough, fair enough. It's appreciated. It's a balancing act, isn't it? Well, it's tough to get right. Plot and penis and pussy. Those are our balancing acts. The three

plosive P's. P's, please. Oh dear It looks like my voice is changing I better be off See ya George I can't believe he was a real James Bond A canonical James Bond

Yeah The best James Bond And the only living James Bond Yeah Yeah Yeah Don't look now But Pierce Brosnan's Not doing so hot

But Daniel Craig He looks fit as a fiddle And I think he's still got One more movie in him At any rate Guy Montgomery How would you rate this film

Emmanuel 2000 Emmanuel in Paradise I'd rate it On the scale of Centimeters Of George Lazenby's Erect penis Up to a maximum score of 90 centimetres.

90 centimetres. I love it. Perfect score. A perfect porno. That's so good. Me too. Well, with that in mind, why don't we get the fuck out of here?

That sounds really good. I'd like to say thank you very much to everyone who has reached out and helped us source English versions or any kind of versions of these Emmanuel 2000 movies, which have proved a little trickier than we thought to obtain. That's right. And I would like to recommend Emmanuel in Paradise

to anyone looking to experience just a touch of what this season's materials are. Featuring the wickedly talented Holly Sampson. Yeah. Hey, stay safe, stay sexy out there, everyone. Keep your hands on the wheel and your boners in your trousers. Oh, fuck. today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing