The Worst Idea Of All Time - 26: You're Welcome w/ Michael Hing

Episode Date: March 27, 2021

Tim and Guy are joined by Australia’s sweetheart, comedian Michael Hing (whose show is on right now in Melbourne: tickets available here). The three sit down for a round table discussion of Emmanuelle 2001: Sensational Pleasures. Hing is shocked and appalled at the partial nudity featured in the soft core porn film and seems to have believed soft core porn to solely feature clothed actors. Tim and Guy both did not enjoy the movie. George Lazenby drops by to graciously receive a podcast porn parody idea where Tim and Guy suck and f*ck each other. Grim.HING'S SHOW: comedyfestival.com.au/2021/shows/michael-hingTWIOAT Live show in Auckland: qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello everybody and welcome to the worst idea of all time. A salutation that I begin all episodes with, which is pretty fucking wild considering we've been doing this show for seven years now. You've got to do that. All the big TV shows do that. They do it. All the big radio shows do that. But it's so weird. It makes no sense. Well, you just assume that someone's dropping by for the first time. Yeah, that's true.

Hey, if you are dropping by for the first time, welcome. This is not our normal recording environment. You might hear a little more echo than usual, and that's because for some unearthly reason, my neighbor was like, you know what I want to do today? Rip up the backyard using heavy earth works equipment and not tell tim ahead of time which was real cool of phil shout out to phil i actually i quite like that guy phil he's a fucking cool guy he's a really actually

he's great what does he do for a job um he works in the film industry he does uh special effects and like i want to say like extreme set building yeah set design art design stuff the short answer would be yeah the short answer would be district nine bro very well for himself is how he does you might also hear on this episode there is a third person it is my great pleasure and distinct honor to welcome australian sweetheart mich Hing to the podcast. Hello Tim, hello Guy. Hello. Hello listener. Michael.

Guy, what is this attitude you're bringing to this? What is going on? There was nothing sinister about that, I was just saying hello to my friend Michael Hing. There was no tone. Yeah, there was certainly a tone. No, I think Tim and I both heard a tone there. Okay, okay, I see what happens here. Hang, how are you, buddy?

The two baiters stand on each other's shoulders to try and feel like an alpha dog. Yeah, that's me. Whenever I achieve greatness, it's because I'm standing on the shoulders of baiters. But no, I'm very well, Tim. I'm very well. I'm currently in Melbourne for the comedy festival.

And it's weird not having you guys around, you know? Usually I'd be able to go and have coffee with you guys or something or like pass you in the street and scowl at you. Watch porn thigh to thigh. Yeah, doing this podcast without getting the full experience of sitting in and watching a pornographic film in the same room as you guys really feels like a disservice to the podcast. It's a lot sadder, isn't it? Without getting the full experience of sitting in and watching a pornographic film in the same room as you guys,

really feels like a disservice to the podcast. It's a lot sadder, isn't it? Certainly, it shines a much brighter spotlight on the exact activity. Did you watch this one in a cafe alone again, Guy? Where did you watch this one? No, I resisted the overwhelming urge to take my endeavors public. I watched it actually at the very table i'm sitting at which is almost as sinister i'm sitting at my kitchen table in the house i share there's something about like getting up getting dressed shower

shave breakfast sitting down tucking into a porno at the dining table which is dark it's important to know that i actually showered and dressed after the porno. I watched this in my underpants and a hoodie. It was so grim. And then I was only going to shower because I was going to come to your house. Then you said, oh, we got earthworks. And I was like, wow, I still got to fucking shower, didn't I? Yeah.

I don't want you coming around watching me finish the porno in my underpants. You know? Yeah. Well, luckily our streams didn't cross. It was all good. What about you about you hang what were your watching conditions uh my watching conditions where i started watching it at my place of work which is the australian broadcasting corporation because i don't think i fully understood how pornographic this film was um because you said it was yeah i i guess i knew it was softcore pornography but i guess i didn't really know what softcore pornography was what do you think softcore pornography was i thought it was, yeah, I guess I knew it was softcore pornography, but I guess I didn't really know what softcore pornography was.

What did you think softcore pornography was? I thought it was you wouldn't see any boobies or any nudity. I thought it would just sort of be implied. So you thought it was like a movie? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like a movie in which sex as a concept exists, but it's not explored.

Yeah. So any movie. Yeah, yeah. Well, you've got to understand that I'm quite a prude. So I started watching this. This was after work. So everyone had gone home, and I sort of tucked into the – I certainly downloaded it on the work Wi-Fi, so that's fun. And then I started watching it, and then I reckon about what was the first boobs you see are probably what, like five minutes in?

It's quite close to the top. If that, yeah, it's straight in there. There's quite a lot of sex in this one as well. I said that about another one that we watched. But like it does, it varies quite a bit. So anyway, I very quickly packed up. Embarrassed that someone might walk by and see me just. And also, I guess when you're watching pornography of any kind,

I guess you're worried that you'd be so overcome by the erotic powers in the pornography that you could just end up needing to relieve yourself. And I obviously did not want to do that at all. Take a whiz. What? A cum whiz. A cum whiz, guy. Oh, wow. Come on, man.

That is nasty. And so I was like, just on the off chance that I would have to do that, I scurried home to the apartment I'm staying at. I've always liked the way you scurry. A lot of people have a sort of loping gait, but not Michael Hing. Here's a man who only has one mode of transport. It's the scurry.

What's a loping gait? It's sort of like... Wide stride. Yeah, loping gait would be how a tall person walks. It's sort of like... And if you had to do musical scurrying. That's just this guy scratching his microphone there for a bit of fun. They will have heard.

You might not have. We might be connected on a microphone that's not the one. But I think I articulated a pretty accurate scurry. So you scurried home? Scurried home. One hand, phone in the other. Actually, I'm currently staying in an Airbnb. I don't know if you're interested in this. You're probably not, but I'll tell you anyway.

Not so far. I'm interested in everything that's going on with you. And this is why Tim is the favorite guy. You know, this is why. But I'm staying in an Airbnb in a very tall apartment block, and my Airbnb host has told me to tell the security and the concierge that I am her nephew. Love that. So, yeah.

So, I am – and the thing is that they – like, she must have lived here for a while beforehand, so they know her. So, I was like, oh, I oh, let's say her name's Sarah. I'm like Sarah's nephew. And then they were like, oh, how is Sarah? And so I've had to start messaging my Airbnb host for personal details of her life

so I can forward them on to the Concealation security staff at the apartment complex. Are you getting a good rate there, like in exchange for... This seems like quite a to-do. It's very cheap. It's very cheap to stay here. It's a very nice apartment complex. Are you getting a good rate there? This seems like quite a to-do. It's very cheap. It's very cheap to stay here. It's a very nice apartment building. It might very well be the first page of the great Australian love story.

This sort of sounds like the serendipitous circumstance which might lead two people to discovering true love. Do you think Michael Heng is the owner of the apartment? Or the concierge. Could be anyone, really. Could be anyone.

Love is everywhere, man. The important thing is I'm involved, guys. Yeah, keep your eyes open. I hate that for you, man. It's like I'm paying to stay here. You're a good rate, though. This is why I'm okay with it. If you're getting a good deal, it's like, yes.

I'm not paying to lie on your behalf. I'm not paying to feel guilty every time I enter my accommodation. Say it loudly. Yeah, but I will say that I do love the idea of an acting gig. You know, that's quite exciting for me to get an acting gig. Yeah. It's nice. That's one way to look at lying.

You're brushing up your performance skills ahead of taking the stage at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Hey, we should probably talk a bit more about this film so this this is um interesting because this is part of the emmanuel 2000 series but the title of this film is actually emmanuel 2001 sensual desires i think it's the name something along those lines and the opening shot is of two big, beautiful buildings, which did exist in New York City for the first half of 2001. And a little bit of the second half. Yes.

Let's not forget about the great months of July and August. It's true. Nor September's 1 through 10. I do wonder when, because I get, like, these movies, Michael, are so odd, because what's happened is there's about six or seven actors that are in all seven of these films. And there's about three musical tracks that they've made that play in all the movies. And so because Guy and I have now watched, these are happening out, the record's happening slightly out of sequence.

We've now watched all of them. Right. Next week will be the final one, but we've already recorded and watched that. And it's been very hard to keep everything straight because not only is it the same actors in every movie, but you may have noticed this in this movie, every movie contains three distinctly different stories. It's a three-act structure, yeah.

21 tales being told quickly by six people in three songs. I don't know that it is a three-act structure, yeah. 21 tales being told quickly by six people in three songs. I don't know that it is a three-act structure because a three-act structure would all be pertaining to one overarching storyline. But these are three short films. Sorry, I don't know. Have you studied film at university, Guy? I literally have.

Well, I haven't, and this is my understanding of the three-act structure. My understanding of the 3X structure. My understanding of the 3X structure is the first act always takes place in some sort of business, I guess, corporation. Okay, so we're on the same page here. The second act, I believe, is some sort of fantasy in a poolside arena. And then the third act, traditionally, and this is going back to Shakespeare and the poets of yore, the third act is and this is going back to shakespeare and and um the poets of yore um the third act is usually on a boat is my understanding always well okay so those three parts are true obvious you know that we can agree upon that it's more about the the

connectivity of these three parts of the story would you say that what was happening in the first act was relevant to what was happening in the third act i mean maybe not literally but certainly in a um in a metaphorical sense of course so hang can you take us through what you remember happening in this film so i've i've taken some quite extensive notes um and and i guess the in the first you should you just read the funniest ones i think i'll'll do the boring ones about the weird edits and cuts. No, I guess in the first part of the film, it is really centering around a kind of a Wall Street-style financial brokerage where a wife is quite mad at her husband, and Emmanuel, 2000,

uses her mind control amulet and tiara combination to bring them back together in love. Nice to hear the word amulet out and about. Yes, it is. And also, if Leonardo DiCaprio is the wolf of Wall Street, what animal would you describe our male hero as? Ooh. I guess he's sort of...

It's hard to tell, really. He doesn't really have a character. Sloth. He's a sloth. He needs to be picked up and carried around. And while adorable, he is neither threatening nor sexually alluring. He's certainly not like a horse, like a big, powerful, sexy horse. He's like the opposite of a horse, which I think is a sloth.

But there was one thing in the film, in this first part of the film, the Wall Street portion of the film, that really struck me. And that is that I could not quite understand what the exact powers of the amulet-tiara combination were. What is the mind control powers? So if I could just guess, if I could just pitch something to you guys. The first thing is obviously if I have sex while I'm wearing the tiara, the person who's wearing the amulet also has sex.

That's number one, right? Keep going. Number two, if I give commands while wearing the tiara, the person wearing the amulet must obey those commands. Yes? This is very Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics. Okay. Yeah, keep going.

Number three, if either of us come- An amulet may not allow harm to come to a human by action or inaction. Number three, if either of us come, the stock market raises about 800%. That is... Now, that one was an addition just for this film, and I will admit, Michael Heung, that caught me off guard as well. The other powers I was used to after the last half dozen of these, The other powers I was used to after the last half dozen of these.

But the weird cross-cutting of sexual climax being grasped for and the heading towards that being mapped by the stock market going up. And one of the most hilarious graphs. I mean, guys, you've got to see this graph. The title of the graph was Stock Market Rising. I don't think there was any unit of measure on X or Y. You would assume that X is a time scale and Y is money. But what index are we measuring here? Is this the Dow Jones?

Is this the NASDAQ? Is it FTSE maybe? It's the stock market. It's written on the graph and it is rising. The closer people come to orgasm, the more that thing rises. And I thought initially this could have been a coincidence. I thought it could have been just like, oh, this is like in a sex film when they cut away to a train going into a tunnel or something,

and this is meant to metaphorically represent sexual pleasure. But there's a moment in the film during the sex scene where they're fucking, and he says to the lady, where they're fucking and uh uh he says to the lady whatever you're doing keep doing it because he's being distracted by the rising graph while he's having sex with his wife he's not yet having sex she's masturbating his wife is masturbating which is oh sure stock market up and he's wild yeah he's watching a graph, she's masturbating, and everyone is kind of winning. And the markets are loving it. That's right.

This guy's an idiot. A little context as well. So he's got a partner in the firm who appears to be his boss. I've got to say, the power dynamic with those two is fucking all off. There's central tension between them. They've never engaged in that. But this is why he and his partner are having a tiff because she's like, hey, man,

you spend too much time at work with this woman. He's like, hey, man, someone's embezzled money, all this money in six different accounts and I have to track it down. Anyway, should we go get a drink? He tries to atone. He says he works too much. And when he's too much and when he's not at work he's thinking about work and he he but then he gets very worried that he's got to figure out where this money's going

which i understand because it seems like the firm is going to go down if he doesn't figure it out but then immediately invites emmanuel and his partner out for a drink in the midst of the hunt and then when he goes to the bathroom, his wife says to Emmanuelle, you know, I don't really go for ladies, but if I did, it would be a woman like you. And Emmanuelle says, want to hook up? Yeah, and they do, man. Yeah.

Was that hot stuff for you, Hing? Did you love a bit of that? I was baffled by that. So she cheats on her husband with Emmanuelle, but that's without the amulet being used that's that's just that's sort of just cheating yeah but it was 2001 the twin towers were still up and woman could kiss woman without it counting and also it's sort of like you know when you get out of a bath and your body is still emanating heat as though you're in the bath i feel like she was

still in the afterglow of that incredible sort of uh makeup sex that she had with her're in the bath i feel like she was still in the afterglow of that incredible sort of uh makeup sex that she had with her partner in the office and it you know she could draw a direct line between the arrival of emmanuel and that event i feel like she was still in a sexual haze amulet or no during this bit the boss then steals the tiara. That's right. Lady boss. Yeah, lady boss. Yeah, girl boss steals the tiara.

And Elizabeth takes off the necklace in anger. Oh, wait, sorry. I've got confused for a second. Sorry, I got my notes confused. Sorry. She steals the tiara and then takes herself back to the office, referring to herself as one hot piece of ass and saying that she wants Marcus, who's the main character.

Oh, I thought she was talking about him. Was she talking about herself? Yeah, she's saying, I want hot piece of ass. Why doesn't he like me? So then she then makes him come. He's wearing the amulet. Yeah. So he's wearing the amulet. She then says, like, via the control device,

come back to the office and fuck me or whatever. And then, so he does. While the other two are making out, they suddenly get a sense of what's going on. Because Emmanuel knows the bigger picture of how this device works. No one else kind of knows. Everyone's just in the dark. Everyone else is new to it, but Emmanuel is a field researcher for a doctor.

And she's like, oh, no, they've got the necklace and amulet. Which I guess is my, that's another question that came up in this. I guess in movies, as a performer, as an actor, you want to understand the motivation of the characters. And I don't really... It's never explicitly said what Emmanuel is trying to achieve through her scientific escapades. She's just saying she wants to do research.

But to what end? So glad we can help with this. There is a couple who haven't been referenced in this film for some reason, but they're in every other one of these Emmanuel 2000s. I think they were briefly in this. Or maybe that was in the opening credits. You're a fucking liar. Jesus Christ.

And not the good kind like him where he's brushing up his acting skills. The kind where you're going to lead our audience astray. where he's brushing up his acting skills. The kind where you're going to lead our audience astray. Dr. Maggie Hansen is a wheelchair-bound scientist who has created these devices. So that she can have sex with her husband again. Yeah. So she can have all the sensation of having sex.

I think she briefly appears in the movie. Oh, wow. Well, that feels really good. I'm sorry. But if I could maybe um broke us in peace between the two of you tim i think you've got something you need to say to guy hey guy my bad i'm sorry no worries dude i messed up forget about it i'm over it you're not even looking at me what are you looking at you're looking directly into the webcam i'm looking at

you and the computer just look at me me. I'm sorry, man. It's fine. It's out of hand. Guy, when people say we're sorry, we don't say I'm fine, do we? I said it's fine. I said it's fine. I'm not fine. I said it's fine.

Okay. What's the apology version of you're welcome? Because we don't have one and we need one. Oh, apology accepted. You're welcome is pretty good. I'm sorry. You're welcome. But I guess the thing I don't understand

is what Emmanuel is trying to achieve. What is Emmanuel trying to achieve? She loves fucking and she loves science. So she's kind of brought together her two passions by teeing up with this scientist couple to parade around the world, putting the device in different people and she sends all the data back to them for analysis.

She was patient X in their experiments. But I guess, is the idea that with this new device they want to release it commercially to the public? I think there was brief talk of that in the first episode, right? Which we watched last. I think they're still in beta testing phase. I think they're just like... But they are talking about this being an actual thing eventually

that people could buy. I think that was mentioned. It would be... If this product was released in the open market, it be anarchy truly it would yes it would the power it has is so great people don't you know like people people were like when when he got when that guy when the horse of wall street whatever the sloth of wall street goes back to fuck his boss he's like he's sort of having sex theories. It's like, I don't know what's happening right now.

That sex is so funny as well. Yeah. It was, I don't think that guy's ever had sex before. You mean before the actor or the character? The actor. I don't think he had any reference point because there were a couple of sex scenes with him in it and at no point was I like, oh, yeah, that's how it goes.

He's just kind of like flopping on top of women like a fish. But acting is hard. He might be a dynamite having sex in real life. But then, you know. It gets inside his head. Yeah. Yeah, like, it would be tough, you know. This might be his first gig.

And it's not just he's got to act. He's also got to act like he's having sex. Well, we know it's not his first gig. He's been in six other of these films. Yeah, yeah. We don't know what order they were shot in. Well, this one was shot last. Exactly.

Well, what I'm trying to say is give the guy a break. I mean, I think it might be harder to act in a softcore pornography than a hardcore pornography. Wow. Okay. That's an interesting take. Why? Is it because there needs to be, because there's less

Like heavy handed Dicking about One of them it's impossible You know exactly what you've got to do The hardcore porn, and then the softcore porn It's like you're dancing around the edges So you're not actually totally present within yourself You're acting, you're in your head the whole time

Wow In hardcore porn you can just be like, okay Well this is the bit where we have sex, and you have sex So you're not actually totally present within yourself. You're acting. You're in your head the whole time. Wow. In hardcore porn, you can just be like, okay, well, this is the bit where we have sex and you have sex. What's the Patreon tier for you guys to make a softcore pornography film? How much money? What's the Patreon stretch goal for that? I actually might be making a pornography with some other friends.

How does that make you feel, Guy, to be cut from the pornography project i'm fine uh as i i mean i hope that it gets off the ground but i'm i'm we've got some funding things pending but it actually looks like it might happen i'm pretty i'm actually already overwhelmed by the amount of pornographic material in my life. I don't think me making more is a solution to how I feel. I found this movie so hard to watch. It was so, like I was just so frustrated and bored. Yeah, what did you, because we will get into how

it kind of stacks up to the rest of them, but Hang Like, I know there's lots more of the plot and we can talk about it and we should. You've taken notes and I want to respect that. No, it's fine. Fuck, man.

What did you think of this movie overall? I thought it and we should. You've taken notes and I want to respect that. No, it's fine. Fuck, man. What did you think of this movie overall? I thought it was very boring. I thought it was boring and it didn't make a lot of sense. But I also have in my brain, I just want to do a good job for my friends, Guy and Tim. So I was desperately trying to make it funny. Guy was just yawning as Michael was extending that olive branch, by the way, I want everyone to know.

Why would anyone need to know that? On a fucking webcam. You can get away with that sort of when it's a voice-only call. Well, so I took extensive notes, and I desperately have tried to make, to kind of, you know, like blood from a stone, try to get anything funny out of this film. But I guess it wasn't very horny to me

because I find mind control stuff very unsexy. It's very unsexy. You messaged us in the midst of watching and you were like, this has got some dicey ethics. I'm paraphrasing what you said. Yeah, just because like, I mean, I think up until maybe, up until for decades centuries love potions and mind control and love spells were just thought of as a regular fun thing that was

able to be in stories and stuff and i think yeah obviously we look back we look at it now and we're like well that's i wouldn't like to undergo that i don't think anyone would like to undergo that. That seems awful. And so watching it, it was very difficult for me to get horny or get around that because of that dilemma. Well, I'm really sorry that you couldn't successfully gain an erection at work watching a porno in a government-funded radio station. It was 2001, Michael. It was a different time. George W. was roaming the White House.

The Twin Towers stood loud and proud at the bottom of the Isle of Manhattan. And if a woman had a tiara and an amulet, well, the world was pretty much her oyster. They also worked at 30 Rock, which I found interesting. Because when he got in the cab, he was like, 30 Rock. I was like, I know that one from the show. So you think these people, the stock brokerage they work at is like, it's part of NBC or something? Yeah.

Is that how that building works? It's because it's massive, right? So it's probably got a bit of everything. Yeah, yeah. It's probably Al-Qaeda in there or something as well. That's how they planned everything. Yeah, yeah. It's probably Al-Qaeda in there or something as well. That's how they planned it. I hope so. From the inside of the building, kind of nearby.

So when Emmanuel and the wife... I want to make a second apology before we go any further. Oh, sure. I would like to apologize for the 9-11 jokes I've made. Why? To me. To me. From me to you. You're welcome. do you apologize to guy

no to the listener okay um and on behalf of the listener you're welcome so when emmanuel elizabeth turn up at the brokerage to catch marcus fucking uh the his boss who's just made him come back to the office to fuck her um they they confronted and whatnot but then the boss admits that she's embezzling funds and then i think i can think this bit kind of um got me confused is it as punishment she has to now wear the amulet and has to fucking blow another guy it was kind of my interpretation was it wasn't quite punishment it was that emmanuel you know when you're a hammer everything looks like a nail sure and when you're emmanuel you believe every social ill and relationship problem can be solved by just throwing penis or vagina at a respective party and so i think she was like look this woman's

done some awful things. She's been embezzling. She took over a man's body to have sex with him, which, you know, ignoring the legalities morally is reprehensible. This is clearly we're dealing with a damaged individual. Yes. So I'm going to try and fix her by...

Keeping her in the same workplace. Catching a dick for her. Getting her... Demoting her. Making her promote a junior employee and blowing him as soon as he's her superior. Seems healthy. Seems like it works. And while this is happening,

the cutaways they've chosen during this sex scene are construction work, which again, very un-erotic. There's nothing... It's the thing they do with these films saying that they cut away to visual metaphors in the middle of the sex, and it's so confusing to figure out

if you're supposed to be masturbating to these films or not. I imagine in 2001, again, different time, people were jerking off to all kinds of things. They didn't know pornography like we know pornography. They didn't know sexual delight like we know sexual delight. They didn't know sexual delight like we know sexual delight. They didn't know the overwhelming arousal of two step-siblings exploring forbidden love. Like the laundry. Yeah, getting stuck in a dryer.

So, okay. Marcus and Elizabeth are living happily ever after after this, I guess. And then Royce, who's the fifth man who she blows, and Dana. Have you ever heard the name Royce before attributed to a human being? Yeah, well, they're together. And then Emmanuel decides she's leaving the big city. But she never takes the necklace back from Dana, which makes me think for future controlling moments later on,

I wondered if, when they're in different settings, if Dana was still being controlled because she was still wearing the necklace. I've seen this movie and I can't remember who Dana is. Who's, what? Dana's the boss. Dana's the boss. Oh, she was the evil embessing boss.

Yeah, gotcha. Yes, yes, yes. I like that we're paying more attention To these plot particularities I think it's an interesting question Is like If Manuel leaves Dana with a necklace Either knowingly or unknowingly

And then she goes away And starts giving out necklaces And putting on tiaras And fucking around with other people Is that still impacting Dana? Yeah is Dana still being controlled? Sort of in different environments. And not deliberately, just consequentially

because she's still wearing the necklace. But you're going about your daily life and you're just constantly moments away from sexual, like extreme sexual arousal. You're at risk. It's not under your control. That's a condition, actually. Take the amulet off.

People have that. Constant arousal syndrome or something like that. It's a condition, actually. Take the amulet off. People have that. Constant arousal syndrome or something like that. It's a real thing. Anyway, I feel like I don't want to go into too much detail with the next two things,

but there's another scene involving... There's another... The second part of the storyline is a photographer who's trying to get his models to be more sexy. I loved the second act.

It was more that the photographer lost his joie de vivre yeah it was it was ridiculous there was a photographer the purpose of the photographs he was taken was never outlined no no he's an old friend of emmanuel's yes he takes photos of the most beautiful woman in the world but they're all lacking in sensuality. And so Emmanuel explains to him, first of all, you lie down next to this pool and have a wet dream. He does.

And then he stands up and he tries to find Emmanuel and he can't. She's disappeared. She's disappeared. And he arrives at his studio. Emmanuel's found his photography assistant immediately enamored by him. He looks a bit like that guy from Gossip Girl who turned out to be Gossip Girl. Then he was in that show, You.

Dan from Gossip Girl. That's the one. Was Dan Gossip Girl? I can't remember. I think Dan was Gossip Girl. He was. Penn Badgley or Peg Badling. You know that fucking guy. Anyway, he was. Penn Badgley or Peg Badling or, you know, that fucking guy.

Anyway, Emmanuel shows up. She's like, I want to fuck this. You've never sounded more like my grandfather. Trying to remember. His name was, no, he was Peter's, Peg Bingley. Peg Bingley. He used to work. Now, hang on, let me get.

I'm honored to have my name atop, you know, the new list of moments in which I've sounded like Hing's grandfather. Another iconic moment. But yeah, I just love it because Emmanuel's like, I'm going to help this guy get his mojo back with taking photographs. And so she gets the assistant to give two amulets to the models. First time we've had two. First time we've had two.

She puts on the tiara, seduces the assistant, assistant to give two amulets to the models first time i've had two first time we've had two she puts on the tiara seduces the assistant and then the photographer comes in and he says to his assistant sorry i'm late are we lit he says yes the photographer doesn't check any of this and starts taking photos in a paddling pool in the middle of a studio apartment and the background is just like whatever is actually lying around his apartment Yeah, it's fine We've got no idea the end game for these photographs We don't know who these photos are for

Where are they going? It's good storytelling I don't want to get bogged down They start stripping off And he's like Whoa, ladies Maybe you've been a little too naughty You've gone a little too far

What the hell And then he joins in And then anyway They have a threesome Like, whoa, ladies, maybe you've been a little too naughty. You've gone a little too far. What the hell? And then he joins in. And then anyway, they have a threesome. He stops taking photos at all. And then Emmanuel's like, ah, well, your client's going to be happy. And I was thinking, the client's going to be furious. He took a lot of photos before they started. Ten out-of-focus photos.

And then he just fucked the models. Yeah, to be fair, that is frowned upon. But then, wait, then there's a scene where Emmanuel and PJ, which is the photographer, they are then spying on the assistant and one of the models who are on their date. And during that date, the supermodel, they got a sort of a Jimmy Buffett style Margaritaville kind of. And also this has been a recurring part of the sound mix for these movies,

but there was a dance floor scene where everyone's dancing and the music's mixed real low, but the footsteps are mixed up real high. Again, don't know why it's so yeah and so she she just blows him she blows him in front of a crowd at a margarita style margaritaville style bar and that's just no one's like what is going no one's like shocked by this everyone's just sort of hearing the people behind him like they look they're just kind of looking like huh and then a whole bunch of guys come over To basically high five him

Yeah Who he's never met And he's just like Yeah The people love it So then And why wouldn't you It was 2001

It's an eatery It was a different time Yeah And she's filling herself up That is fucking disgusting That is the grossest thing you've said. And I've said some really hideous shit. Guy has said some absolutely filthy and sordid things,

but that is by far the worst. It does seem to me, Guy, that you are fixated on this movie being the last piece of pre-9-11 content that was ever made. As though this movie somehow signalled the beginning of the war on terror. And this is the reason we can't take liquids onto aircraft anymore. Like, this is the thing that did it all. Yeah. This is why you can't fly with water internationally.

You've got to buy it at the airport. Emmanuel 2001, Central Encounters. The whole third part of this movie is about travel by boat. at the airport. Emmanuel 2001, Central Encounters. There is like, there's a, the whole third part of this movie is about travel by boat. It's about being on a cruise ship

and there is a psychic. This was the worst part of the movie, I thought. You thought this was the worst part of the film? I thought this, I actually thought this was,

this was the most interesting part of the film. I'm probably with you, Han, because this had a lot of elements. We had a stowaway on board. There was a cat and mouse game.

But he had a love story where he was trying to get back to Olivia and he didn't have any money, so he had to stowaway. But the headline is, Emmanuel has met her match, finally. Because she's using her science to control people and read their minds and stuff. But she's also met, this boat a clairvoyant who also uses her natural powers to, I guess, sexually infiltrate people's minds

and experience the things that they've experienced. And it results in a sort of a... It's quite complicated, but it results in a sort of a daisy chain of jerking off is the only way I can describe this. Because there is a man who's had sex with a woman on the boat, right? He then goes to the clairvoyant and she makes him relive that experience of having sex on the boat. And as he relives that experience, she goes into his mind using a crystal ball and she begins to pleasure herself um digitally uh as in sorry with her hands is what i meant not like zeros and ones

she begins to jerk off through his memories of fucking the other person but she's also wearing the amulet and so in her bed on the on the other side of the cabin, Emmanuel is using her memories of his memories of fucking this lady to also jerk off. It's a fucking wild time. You like this because it was like a puzzle that you could solve. Basically, this was my favourite part of the film, was that the plot was complicated enough that I think if I wasn't taking notes,

I wouldn't have been able to keep up with it. It was like a lateral thinking challenge that you rose to. I watched it this morning before a coffee, and I could almost figure out what was going on. But, Hing, you cracked the code. I couldn't quite piece it all together. So we see Olivia, right? That's who we were watching in the dark nightclub

And she was wearing a fishnet Kind of thing What the fuck was that That's a separate sex scene That's a separate thing Olivia is the stowaways Long lost love who he's trying to get back to Yeah I know but I thought that's who we were watching

Fuck man who gives a shit I think in that scene He's fucking Olivia I thought there's who we were watching. No, because he's, isn't he, he's, I think he's in that scene. I think he's fucking Olivia. And then. I thought there was a flashback. Yeah. Yeah. He's fucking Olivia in that.

No, no. He's met her. He's met her in the dream realm. Imagine if you will. Oh, so they've, so they've gone to like the quantum realm to meet. Exactly. Yeah. Now, and I think the person you're referring to In like the weird costume And the kind of cage

I don't think that's Olivia I think that's the clairvoyant Oh my god I had issues with this When I watched it in real time So crazy that they gloss over All of this finance stuff Which someone could have told them about

But made up such intricate details About this daisy chain of psychic fucking stuff like just they haven't glossed over everything but they have glossed over some things very frustrating during one of the sexual rendezvous on the boat i can't remember which one exactly it was i think it was i think it was the memory of the original couple fucking on the boat. I don't know if this is a common theme in the Emmanuel films, but lemon juice is used in an erotic way. Not lemon juice specifically, but food.

Yeah, like strawberries and stuff are used. But in this one, he squeezes lemon all over her and then licks it off. It's an orange. First of all, let's get our fucking fruits right. Is it an orange? It's an orange. It's an orange. First of all, let's get our fucking fruits right. It's an orange. It's an orange. It's an orange. It's absolutely an orange, yeah. I thought it was lemon because I thought it was like,

oh, they're on a boat. It's in the sea. It's like seafood. You have it with lemon. I thought that was what they were doing. Oh, okay. And then I thought it was weird afterwards when she said, I love oranges.

I was like, lady, that was a fucking lemon. We all saw it. Yang, you idiot idiot you beautiful idiot you had all the clues in front of you the picture of an orange someone saying the word orange and you're like man it's so weird they've got this lemon confused still a weird thing to do but i did think we were going to get out of this movie scot-free without any food plan then blame they hit us with the slice. Although we got off very lightly this time. There has been some disgusting introductions of food into the bedroom throughout this season.

To this day, what is said into my mind's eye is a... It's a rock band, isn't it? Yeah, it's a woman performing. She's holding a peeled banana in front of a man's penis as though it's his penis, and she's performing a blowjob on the peeled banana. It's the whole experience I find so stressful and confusing. There's lots of cream involved,

and there's lots of sauces and things around on the table. Is orange a traditionally sexual fruit? Oh, yeah. I kind of like the approach of orange being a sexy fruit. It's so sticky, though. You're always dealing with your traditionals, your chocolates and stuff, which is kind of a symbol of decadence. But orange and citrus is kind of a...

The workingman's food play. It is a little bit that, I And that it's like easy to obtain But it's more like it's the freshness It's like a fresh fruit alternative To chocolate body paint I'd like to see some like oats Or bran introduced to the bedroom Or some high fibre sex play

Food play I'd love to see someone just pour A big old box of Sultana bran Across a bedspread And then lay down and rustle around in the sheets. It'd be the breakfast cereal equivalent of Lego pieces. Oh, yeah. And your bed sheets. Is the idea then that after you finish that,

like three or four hours afterwards, you do a really regular shit? Is that the point of it really sets you up? I don't know. Do lines of Metamucil to get ready and then eat a whole lot of All Brand during. Yeah, sorry, Hank. Oh, no, I was just saying, I find, just to close the orange thing, my issue with it isn't just the stickiness this guy brought up, but also the acidity.

I would have thought that acidity and sex do not go well together at all. You never use vinegar sexually, you know? That's what makes it hot, brother. It's dangerous. Literally the forbidden fruit. It's risky. I think it would sting. I think honestly, orange or citrus in any kind of sensitive area,

I think would sting quite a bit. Yeah, man. It's that whole pleasure plane. You know what I'm saying. You know the pleasure plane? You get up on the pleasure plane and you start fucking around with your citric fruits. I think there's someone at the door. Let me just get the door and invite them in.

Here he is. Boner Inspector! Boner Inspector! Here to inspect your boners, boys! Hey, Boner Inspector. Hello, Mr. Boner Inspector. I'm not going to waste your time today. This movie was confusing and boring.

Understood. And I got no physical arousal from it whatsoever. I got some slight mental arousal from when I was trying to figure out how Emmanuel and the psychic teamed up to allow everyone to have sexual pleasure simultaneously with the stowaway, but that's as close as I got. No good to me. Hing.

I tried. First of all.. Hing! I tried. First of all. Yes? Nice to meet you. Thank you, Mr. Boner Inspector. Hey, what kind of benefits do you get from this job? Are you, is this like a contract thing? Or are you like?

This is a work of passion, my son. The benefit is sometimes you come across a boner to inspect. Well, I honestly, I tried. I really tried to get aroused with this film. Hand on cock, you promised me you tried. Well, I didn't touch my penis the whole time, but I will say what I did do was I... Wait, wait, wait.

You didn't touch your penis the whole time or you didn't touch your penis the whole time? Well, there were moments where I had to drink water, you know, type things, I'll tap away. You understand that I can't have my hands on my penis that whole time. No, the whole, the entire time, the entire time I was watching this film, I never touched my penis. And the, but I did try.

And I think that I don't want to be too unfair on the actors because they are beautiful people and they're very attractive. But it was, again, it was the sort of mind control element coupled with the baffling plot meant it was too difficult for me to go hard on my dick. Very well. I shall ignore you and your flaccid penis hereforth What about Guy?

Yeah man What about me? Nah I was furious the whole movie I hated it I got nothing for ya Well fuck the lot of you Goodbye See you boner inspector

I really respect that guy He gets in and he gets out doesn't he? He's there every time He's a real He does his work. Do you think he's happy? But that's not quite right. Do you think he's happy?

Not with us. I don't know what he does when he's not checking in on our podcast. I imagine that there's an ocean of boners for him to inspect in the wide world. He's like Santa. He described it as a work of passion, inspecting boners. But, you know, you say, you say you know like if you think of comedy it starts as a hobby or a passion and then you do enough of it that eventually you build it into your life oh guys at that stage in proximity to the comedy festival where he hates doing stand-up again

i literally love doing stand-up and yet and yet, can I tell everyone what you said to me when I asked you how you were today? When I got on the Zoom call today, I said, Guy, it's so good to see you. How are you? And Guy said, I don't fucking know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know what I fucking do every day.

I did not quite say that. Sorry, I'm misrepresenting you. What did you say, Guy? I asked you what you've been up to, and then you said... I'm doing whatever the fuck it is that I do. Sorry, that's not what I said. I've been up to... I don't know what I've been doing.

I guess it's whatever the fuck it is I do. And then I said, Guy, are you depressed? And then you got very defensive. Look, Heng, you literally caught me at a time just after I'd finished watching this movie. And it's impossible for me to divorce the fact I just watched this movie with the fact I'm talking to you. I'm sorry I didn't put my best foot forward.

You're in the refractory period. If we were to catch up independent of this podcast, you'd get a much healthier review of my life and well-being. I'm not a wealthy man. I currently don't have much money to my name, but I would pay hundreds of dollars to just teleport to Melbourne right now just to spend the afternoon with you, just to hang out, man, walk the streets. It would be lovely.

It'd be lovely. When do you start doing – What night do you start doing comedy It is Wednesday the 24th of March Holy Holy heck And how many times do you do it Doing I think 15 shows Yeah which is

Or maybe 13 shows I'm doing 13 or 15 shows I think It's an odd number It is But this is like the first time I've done a comedy festival I'm doing 13 or 15 shows I think It's an odd number It is Between 13 and 15 But this is like the first time I've done a comedy festival In like three years I think Because the last couple were cancelled

And then I was working and stuff So it's Yeah it's like weird And it's weird that you guys aren't here I'm going to be honest It's really strange It's really strange our New Zealand friends aren't here I hate it

Yeah I'm not big on that either i wish i was there but alas such is life a very minor penance to pay considering the scale of the issue um and what's your show called uh the show is called kill hing in the name of it's a very funny title and it is it's um and the show is kind of about I started a new job at the start of last year in 2020 and immediately began getting death threats from people who don't like me. And it's a show about sort of dealing with that. It's very good comedy. Sounds like a laugh a minute. Very comedic.

Very comedic. Well, there's someone else here. Yeah, there's always another person. We're just going to open the door to another of our friends, Michael. Another character. I hope you like him. Hold on. This feels very low energy.

I feel like this whole episode, I've not been putting my best foot forward. We're almost at the end. Let me run to the door to go and answer it. Hello. Hello, Tim. George fucking Lazenby, my man. Weren't you locked away in a...

I thought you were locked away in a vault and you were never to come out. No. Are you sure are you sure that in the last episode you weren't locked in a vault and then it was said that you weren't going to come out of this vault ever again uh well i say a lot of things but i i don't recall it's so interesting to be joined by someone Who remembers anything That has transpired on our podcast Because I tell you what The two hosts of this show We say a lot of things

And then we press the big red button that stops it recording And then those things May as well not exist for us anymore Did you have to escape from the giant vault That Tim locked you away in? What did I get locked in a vault for? I genuinely have no memory of this. I'm pretty sure what happened was Tim found, I guess,

your presence and your character somewhat annoying, and then he cursed you and locked you away in a vault. I'm pretty sure. Fuck. That's ruthless. I must have let him out and forgotten that I'd done that as well It also could be that You're also both forgetting that I'm a Bond

And I can get out of any sticky situation That is true In fact I'm looking to get into a sticky situation I may well have misinterpreted that So I might be wrong as well Let me tell you a little about myself I'm George Lazenby. I have my own website where I sell signed posters.

Oh, the only Bond film I got to star in. And I've had an erection plaguing me for many, many years. I have a huge amount of money. I would like to invest in a pornographic picture that could relieve me of the agony that is a constant erection. You're swollen nuts as it were. And my swollen

member. Yes, but yes. In short, yes. So Michael Heng, you're a creative man. We know this about you. You're a hilarious man. We know that from the title of your comedy show. You've obviously received some of my messages since starting your new job. We know that about you. You're a hilarious man. We know that from the title of your comedy show. You've obviously received some of my messages since starting your new job.

We know that about you. What would be tremendous is if you could pitch a potential pornographic film to our man George Lazenby, who can try and get some sweet relief if it reaches the bar. I'll pitch him Emmanuel 2001.

Is that the idea? No. You can pitch whatever you want. I mean, you could pitch that too. If you can make it sexy. Because I think we've just assessed it was pretty convoluted and unsexy. Yeah. Yeah.

I think, Mr. Lazenby, the, you know how the, i think that maybe a while back i guess when i was when i was growing up a lot of the pornography that i would see advertised or around would be a sort of a um a parody pornographic film of a of a you know the pirates of the caribbean but it's a porno now or transformers the movie if it's a porno or whatever or Transformers is a movie, but it's a porno or whatever. I don't know. Those are the only two movies I could think of. I don't know if there's a Transformers porn parody. But I wonder if... That's expensive.

If there is... Pirates, by the way, was the first ever million-dollar-plus budget porn. Well, I had no idea. But I wonder if there is scope for a pornographic parody of a podcast. Now, there is a podcast that I love, that I think a lot of people listening to this show would love. It's called The Worst Idea of All Time. It's two guys.

They're great. They're very funny. They've got great chemistry. I wonder if there's, Mr. Lazenby, if you would like to watch them fuck and or suck each other jesus i'm sorry i seem to be getting my wires crossed so you're pitching two things one of them is a a sort of uh a porn parody of a podcast and the other one is two hosts of a pre-existing podcast recording themselves on video sucking and fucking.

Well, you want to get the original cast, obviously. It's true. You think the Maccas and Pirates... How often do the original cast appear in parodies? Never. That's why I'm saying it would be incredible to watch. Imagine if that was in your contract. You finish doing the Avengers,

and then the next thing, they're like, all right, guys, now we can start shooting on the Avengers. And Chris Hemsworth's like, oh, God, I don't know why I signed this contract, but I guess I've got to fuck, I don't know, Hugh Jackman or whatever now, dressed as Wolverine. Well, it's an interesting idea.

Can I just go on the record as saying I love it. It's very innovative. I like the concept. I think the realities of it would probably be not exactly for me. I don't think it's quite the fix for what ails me, but conceptually you could be on to a big money spinner there, Michael. You're saying you don't want to see Guy and Tim just... I'm not saying I...

Hold on, let him finish the sentence. I want to hear what the final words of that phrase were. You don't want to see Guy to see just really fold each other up and tear each other open, you know? You don't want to see that? I'm not saying I don't want to see that. I'm just saying I don't think it will fix my erection. That's what you want to watch it for.

More like scientific purposes, George. Well, you know, if they're going to do it, I wouldn't want to disrespect them by not checking it out. So it's like Evel Knievel jumping a bunch of flaming buses. It's like you don't want him to do it because he could die, but if he's going to do it, you want to be there. I would say to them, I don't want to see you do it, but then when I found out that they did it anyway,

then I would want to see it. Exactly. I got you. I it's cool i guess i and i guess sorry sort of really railroaded this into a place that it's very strange but um given that you both have a live show coming up where you will be performing challenges to see who is the best host um i do wonder if this is an element we could include in that live performance. That's right. Who is better at relieving George Laysenby's two-meter constant erection? I'm trying to think of the logistics on stage of how Guy and I would compete for that title,

and it has made me chuckle just thinking about it. I imagine it would be illegal. I imagine it would be illegal to show that. Well. Time will tell food for thought we'll see what the good people of Q Theatre

have to say about it all anyway George no relief this time better luck next time goodbye okay Michael Heng we're going to wrap things up

thank you so much for having me for joining us I'm sorry things got so strange at the end there no it was a joy. One more time, Kill Hing in the Name Of

starting on Wednesday, March 24th. It's out. That's tomorrow. We're recording this the day before that date. Oh, yeah. I want to know this. What venue are you in? I'm in the Comedy Republic,

which is, I think, the best comedy venue in the country. Oh, fuck. Lucky you. Potentially, best in the Southern Hemisphere. Take that, the best comedy venue in the country. Oh, fuck. Lucky you. Potentially, best in the Southern Hemisphere. Take that, the classic. Yeah, you really put the boot in there to the classic. I've never been there. I'm sure it's lovely. Our venue in Auckland. I'm sure it's lovely. That's right.

And if we are talking about live shows, the worst idea of all time live show is happening in the New Zealand International Comedy Festival at the best comedy venue for that show. There's links to all of these things and Guy and my show in the show notes and Hing's show in the show notes

if I've done my job correctly. Also, Hing's got a great podcast, Free to a Good Home, which you should check out. You've both been guests, both together and separately on that show. That's right. And one of the main reasons I missed you guys at the comedy festival was I can't recruit you into being in a live podcast,

which would have been so much fun. Or sell your exciting new merch to us. Oh, yeah. Would you guys like some drink bottles? We're selling drink bottles that say on them, not filled with cum. If anyone wants those. I heard they sold out.

Yeah. Can you sell out of them? We're doing a second run. We're doing a second run. Yeah. Fuck, well done. Well done, you guys. It's a great thing to put on a drink bottle.

My sincere congratulations. Thank you so much, Michael. Have a wonderful festival. Thank you.