The Worst Idea Of All Time - 28: Milk Ducts (w/ Angella Dravid)

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

The boiz are joined by kiwi comedian Angella Dravid for what is comfortably the worst Emmanuelle offering so far. Emmanuelle is in Rio de Janeiro without a script or even a storyline. Like George Lazenby to the Bond franchise, Ludmilla Ferraz takes Emmanatle for one-time-only and it almost universally stinks. A star turn from a best friend in fluoro green who delivers one line only but multiple times. We learn a little more about the Boner Inspector so stay tuned for that!Angella Dravid's NZ Comedy Fest Show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/angella-dravid/TWIOAT Live show in Auckland: qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello everybody and welcome to the worst idea of all time A podcast where I take Guy Montgomery off guard Yeah, that's right He takes me off guard into the waters of Go ahead Stabbed When you spoke When I hit the record button

I was just singing I was singing a song I was singing that song That goes Walk right in Step right out You know the song Baby boo doo doo doo doo

Oh yeah Now that you did the boo boo boo Everybody's talking about A new way of walking Sounds fun Wow Everyone's got a new way to walk I'm Guy Montgomery

That's Tim Batten We've got a very special guest In this episode We're joined by the wickedly talented... We need a new gag for that. No, it's the only one there is. The one and only Angela Dravid.

Hello. Hi. Hi, Angela. Hello. How are you? Angela Dravid. I'm going to say your name normally once, just so we've got it on the record. I'm great, thank you. All the better for seeing you, my dear. Angela's our pal. Angela is our pal.

She is an outstanding comedian. The champion, previous champion of Taskmaster NZ. Thank you. You're the inaugural winner. No one will ever change that. That's true. Doesn't matter how many seasons they have, you will always be the inaugural winner.

This is true for everyone who placed in the episode. They are the inaugural second, third, fourth, and fifth place also. Importantly, though, you are someone who has just watched the 2003 softcore erotica film, Emmanuel in Rio. Yep. What did you think? It was very long, wasn't it? It wasn't.

But it actually wasn't. No. It was an hour 23. It felt like four hours. So just to ground you in the context of what Tim and I have seen prior to this film, we've watched somewhere between 26, 27-ish. I think this is 28. So Emmanuel is a franchise that began.

Yeah, I'm familiar with it. Oh, yeah, so in the 70s. You need to mansplain Emmanuel to Angela Gravid? This is a conversation for a different time, but I've got to say, I think the word mansplaining has got to be put out to pasture. Look, as a man, I'm with you on that.

Angela, what do you think? Of the franchise or this film? Of the word mansplaining. Oh, mansplaining. Oh, it's, I mean, what do I think of it? I guess I don't really think of it. That's good too. Yeah.

What are you doing all your free time? I feel like mansplaining is if you try to explain feminine things. Like if a man told me how I should feel should feel when i'm pmting i would probably be like no no i don't think that's what mansplaining is i'm doing a bad joke sorry angela uh but so we've just come out of emmanuel 2000 we've just watched seven films which had quite high concept uh plot points and relatively speaking probably more production values. That was a seven part made for TV franchise and this is the first independent

standalone Emmanuel film since then. We actually missed a few. I was on the Wikipedia. You skipped ahead. But it's okay. It definitely looked independent.

What do you mean by that, Angela? It had a very amateur sort of feel to it, like shaky handy cam. Yeah. The lighting was shocking as well. Really? It felt like camcorder. And reusing footage. Yeah.

You'd see someone dancing the same dance, like, several times. Which is so crazy they had to do things like that. And really long, long, long scenes. There's a lot of, like, kissing. But kissing from different angles. The same kiss from, like. And they replayed it. And then they went slow shot.

That's hot stuff, though. It's a porno well there was some there was a lot of like uh tongue yeah the tongue oh my god it's such a tongue heavy movie it's yeah all of them look like they were learning to kiss on set yes it did look like virgins yeah and the intimacy coordinator was like a 12 year old boy they did look like virgins yeah none of them yeah the fucking was in it was some of the worst although i think there were a couple of unsimulated sex scenes in it yeah later on yeah towards the end there was this brazilian pop star who was like the most ordinary looking guy in the world and also one of the worst singers i've ever heard

but in one of his later scenes he had a boner through some grey underpants and there was a scene where he was, I can't remember what he was doing to the woman, but the woman was just holding statically the end of his, just his knob.

She was just holding it still. And I'm pretty sure that he touched it as well. Yeah. It looked very unsimulated. I don't know how you fake that shot. Yeah.

Weirdly, his scenes, his sex scenes, because the first sex scene between the woman who plays Emmanuelle, and this was her only credit as Emmanuelle,

this actor. Emmy, as she's known, 99% of the movie. Her and the, the model. She's shooting one of the most famous models,

one of her favorite models to work with. Their first sex scene. He likes to be touched. Yeah. Was one of the most uncomfortable sex scenes I've ever seen. Was it Tarzan? It was Tarzan.

Yeah, yeah. I love how she's narrating it like a dear diary. Yes. But it's not very insightful. It's like he's a beautiful model and he likes to be touched. Her vocab is crazy. She keeps talking about these big philosophical concepts. There'd be like 20 minutes of just one sex scene

that's really either worrying or really poorly done. And then something about Emmanuel being like, it's time for us to explore the next dimension of sensory care with humanity and bringing us all as one. It's like, wait, what? But then the next scene should be slut-shaming. Like, Maria is a common whore. It was actually Danielle.

Danielle! Even by Brazil's loose moral standards, Danielle is considered a whore. It was pretty close to the exact point. And that's just because Danielle doesn't have sex while ruminating on the idea of a higher plane of consciousness. But otherwise, they're pretty much... She was sober.

She was fine. Her fallibility is she wasn't high as hell. Yeah, it was... I also like the high-fiving of Emmanuel and Maria. Because Maria finally got to sleep with the pop star. Yes. And then at the end, they kind of high-fived each other at the campfire. We did it.

Tell us what happens in this movie, as you can recall it. Oh, God. So I watched it last night while I was falling asleep. Did you make it to the end? I did. I had to force myself to watch it. Did you make it to the end? I did.

I had to force myself to watch it. There's a photographer named Emmanuel, and she is trying to record Brazilian nightlife. And she goes to Mardi Gras, and she's in a weird triangle, love triangle, with the model but also this American guy. Harry? Harry. Harry, yeah.

I've written in my notes, Harry man guy. Yeah. I don't know what that means. So she's in this love triangle and the story seems to take place as she's trying, she's trying to select models for Harry's music video. He's shooting it. Harry's shooting music video. For the biggest pop star in Brazil. Rock star in Brazil. Yeah.

His name is Jose. Yeah, depending on who you ask in the film. And Harry's American, right? But they dubbed him. They did dub him. He lives in LA. They dubbed a lot of it.

They dubbed the tongues. Even though he was speaking in English, they still dubbed him. He was dubbed. There were some people who were speaking like sort of broken English who weren't dubbed. But then they overdubbed a chair falling over

with some 8-bit video game thuds. They had a lot of fun in post. And they overdubbed tongues which was so weird and loud. Whoever the Foley artist was really went to town on the tongues. It was disgusting. Two women were

hooking up in a scene in a shower and you could just hear the tongue so loudly. That's not a normal thing. But sometimes the tongue was like badly timed so you weren't sure if it was the genitals touching or the tongue. Famously genitals sound like this. Oh, God, I feel sick. I hate it.

I hated it so much. There's also like a couple of splice shots of the barge, or was it the cruise ship? Yeah. And just to show that it was there and not a photograph, they just put the foghorn. That's some movie magic right there. I couldn't believe how bad this was.

This is, I think think the worst one by far This is historically bad It was an all-timer I've found through some research A little bit of context for how this film was made If you respectively wouldn't mind my sharing So this is courtesy of a review on Letterboxd By a user named Maths

Stop saying Letterboxd until they give us money, okay? This is Blaze Pete's roll over again. We're going to send them the invoice after we've done the work. Okay. New Zealand-based company. This was never intended to be an Emmanuel film. Producer Alan Suritsky came up with the idea of shipping an American actor and an American director down to Brazil to shoot a mostly improvised movie on video.

Oh, my God. That explains it. Oh, my God, of course. At least one director, the great Rolf Konefsky, told Swierczki that it was a terrible idea and he wanted nothing to do with it. Kevin Alba apparently relented and went down to make the film. It did not turn out well.

In fact, it turned out so badly that half the film had to be redubbed and had the Emmanuel name slapped on it just so a distributor would pick it up. And also, apparently the experience was crappy enough that Albert has never directed another film. Whoa, this was his one and done? Or maybe his last one? Yeah. So, I mean, that makes so much sense for how this film looks and feels like.

There are some real lessons in this movie. film looks and feels like to think of some real lessons in this movie like there are arguments that happen in this which are obviously unscripted and they resemble a real life argument where there's two people with loggerheads repeating the same sentence respectively and it happens like twice at least in this movie and it goes on for so long where someone's just oh what is it's when um harry and emmy fall out out And Harry's going to leave And she's like Don't touch me Don't touch me

I don't care I don't want to hear it Because she finds a sex tape With another woman It's not even a sex tape Whatever the fuck I know that the movie's not important But in the context of the movie

It's more like a sizzle reel Well he's come home And Danielle Emmanuel's flatmate Slash cousin or whatever is the whore that yes the code's not mine the common whore has uh she's seen harry harry's come home earlier and she's seen harry and said can you make a little video of me because he's carrying his video camera and he's like well i shouldn't but okay then he films are sort of

parading around in a sarong you poking it. I watched this in bed. Chelsea was waking up. She was at a summit with me this morning, and every time she saw titties, she'd go, titties. And then at the end of the movie, she said, I like how much titties there are in this film, which is, you know, an admirable quality in the movie. But he shot this sort of titillating little reel,

and then Emmanuel sees it and goes, I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe you've done this. This is the basis for this very sort of contradictory argument. But the futility of it, because you kind of forget. You watch a film. You watch a, what's his name, Aaron Sorkin thing. And you're like, God, this is overwritten. No one talks like that. But then you watch this and you're like, this is why we write stuff down that we make into movies because if we depicted how actual arguments happen on film

it would be awful and i know that because i just watched it happen well it's the same way that we need to choreograph fights because if you watched how most street brawls go down feisty or clever and it was just two dudes hugging and grappling to the ground it's like this wasn't really a movie this was just someone carried a video camera around and some people had sex around the camera and then someone in post on sound uh just locked themselves in a room for two weeks with a bunch of red bulls and went ham on it yeah well the in the argument i just remember finding it quite funny that uh harry is like i'm leaving i'm leaving then he gets to the door and he's like really you really want me to go and he comes back in to like restart the argument oh yeah and he like restarts the argument

to go back in the door and he just kept playing this weird tug and war of like do you really want me to go yeah it was like people learning how to do improv yeah it was like they didn't he didn't know that the scene could end and so he kept creating a reason to come back and keep the scene going and then usually you could take care of that in post but they're like well we won't lose any of this great stuff I've never done this before and this may be foolhardy but can I play some of the movie on here? Yeah please do Her voice is quite monotonous

It's crazy! It sounds like text edit You know when you used to put words into a document and get the computer to read it back That's exactly I haven't tidied this up ahead of time so hopefully I've edited this episode a little bit, but for you two, you're going to have to just endure it. Actually, I don't want to play this bit

because this was the coolest bit of the whole movie. Check this out. It was good. The following program contains nudity, sexuality, and coarse language. Viewer discretion is advised. Hell yeah, dude. There were flames on screen just there. It got me excited I was like

We're in Rio We've got a cool sounding dude We've got flames Things are happening But then I remember her being like Oh yeah sorry go You go

I just remember Remember she got Stood up For dinner Her dinner date Yeah It just led to nothing There was no reason for her to be stood up We didn't even know that she was going to nothing. There was no reason for her to be stood up.

We didn't even know that she was going to have dinner. There was no reason for us to have that scene. What the fuck was that about? It betrayed her trust. And she was like, Harry. It was Harry again, right? Yeah, you're late for dinner. You left me waiting for two hours.

This is why I called. I'm late. She said, I don't believe you. I don't trust you. Never contact me again. And then they were like Hanging out the next day The next day And then she's like

Alex I need you to come over And then Alex is like I know I know Alex was the best friend Yeah Alex was a highlight So she introduces this guy

About two thirds into the movie Her best friend called Alex And this guy shows up In a fluoro green do-rag And like a blouse With like a full length finger ring on his middle finger. And she starts rattling off her problems. She's like, I'm not happy. I know.

I don't trust him. I know. I have a boyfriend in America. I know. I do too. And to be fair, I'm struggling to come up with more stuff. But that was good and wrong because she comes up with a list of 10 things and his response every single time is...

I know. And then later on, she, like, to get back at Harry or whatever, she's working on his music video he's directing and she gets him to come and be, like, the props department or something. That's right. And he's like, his ambition for this music video is incredible. He's like, we're going to have tigers

and drums and the guitar and the jungle. And an altar. Yeah. Like a church altar for the sacrifice. And so he starts talking

to the best friend and he's like, did you get the tigers? No. Did you get the goats? You know the goats. No. Did you get the monkeys?

Oh! No. And he's like, you can't forget the monkeys. You! No. And he's like, you can't forget the monkeys. You got nothing. And then, mercifully, because they've been, like, the one thing they've been constantly referencing and building towards in this movie is that Harry has to direct a music video

for this hosie, for this pop, this rock star, and they play the music video in its entirety. Yeah, it's like three or four minutes long. And it's just this guy on a boat and all of these beautiful topless women behind him. It's fucking unbelievable. Here's some of the movie. I don't even know what bit this is.

I think it's the Danielle quote. Let's see what this is. She uses her body to debase herself, not to merge with the greater understanding of the infinite. Daniel flits from man to man with no thought of who they are. Even by the liberal Brazilian standards of morality, Daniel is an exception. She behaves like a common whore.

She behaves like a common whore. This also flies in the face of like Emmanuel Law, which is sort of like, Emmanuel is this really open-minded person. It's a sex positive. It's such a sex positive franchise. And in all the other installments, she's like guiding people into open-mindedness.

And she also keeps talking about, this is also a ridiculous thing about, she keeps talking about how like, you know, romance is bigger than two people. And bigger than two people and you always need a third party and she doesn't want to be owned by Harry. This is in this one. And she wants to remain free. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then her central storyline,

Emmanuelle is just this very boring domestic sort of dissatisfaction with her one male partner and at the end of it the resolution is they wind up together and like what seems to be a very drab monogamous relationship so it's like not just against all of the emmanuel laws that have been set up in previous installments in this specific movie the voiceover is running directly contrary to the action of the film right it. I don't even want to talk about this movie. Well, we must. I don't know.

We can do whatever we want. I just found it a little bit turfy. Yeah. It was like kind of racist as well. There's a quote I wrote down. Maria is lovely. She is the perfect blend of the mixtures that make up Brazil. I was like, okay.

Yeah. Sounding a little sniff of eugenics there. Yeah. I mean, if you think about the sniff of eugenics there. Yeah. I mean, if you think about the production of it, this all makes sense. And this stands alone. They also had an Indian. They called her an Indian as well. Do you remember? And she had like a feather or some headdress on.

And she had like a Cherokee Merkin kind of thing. Oh, so like a Native American? Native American, yeah. Oh, okay. a Native American? Native American, yeah. Oh, okay. And do you remember? They were going through their different models. God, I know. They must remember this.

I just watched the movie. I was a little bit in and out, though. I have to confess. But she, yeah. I tried my best. It's kind of, oh, that's her there. Oh. Oh, that's her.

There. Yeah. Okay, hold on. Let's see what audio accompanies this. I'm checking out of talking about this movie. I hated it. Well, no. I wouldn't talk about anything else. Okay, hold on. Let's see what audio accompanies this. I'm checking out of talking about this movie. I hated it. Well, no, but... I don't want to talk about anything else.

You're just playing... Oh, it's just... I can't hear you, guy. I can't hear you over there. Oh, this is the pop song. The biggest rock star in Brazil, Hosey. Doing a director's commentary of this film would actually be really fun.

This does feel kind of like one of those YouTube shreds videos where someone got their hands on an original sort of just under 90-minute length film and then redubbed it with the most boring possible... With like a deliberately bad version of a movie. Right, yeah. You know the shreds videos like the beach boys singing uh i get around and they've just redubbed it with like the worst

possible singing oh yes yes it's like that but movie length yeah we could um i think if we just took the visuals of this the three of us could make a way better movie i think so also tarzan this is when tarzan was looking through the window yeah and saw the two women showering yeah and then all the other models saw the two and there's just a weird peeping tom shot of everyone looking inside but there was no action really it was just two girls showering one they hooked up they hooked up but I noticed one Was like giving out 110% on the nipple action And the other one was

110 And the other was like Really reluctant to do it Did you notice that There was inconsistencies I sort of When they get to the sex scenes I actually have a huge amount

Of trouble paying attention Like the sex scenes to me Are the most painful part The good news is The movie is playing right now For all of us on my laptop Voyeurism features so heavily across all of the Emmanuel films.

Yeah, there's a real thing about that, about looking at people having sex. Or having sex when people might see you. Yeah. So you believe that there's two in the shower? Yeah, there was one

who was more into it than the other. I reckon the brunette is more into it than the blonde at this stage. Another thing to bear in mind is... And they're off! Two sexy women, topless in a shower, but they've still got bikini bottoms on.

The brunette one's a little bit more into it and giving it 110%. The blonde's trying to get a rouse, but it's not working because she's heterosexual and been forced into a poorly paid porno. Yeah. They're coming around the bend. We're out of any kind of story or musical direction. So we're just going to resort to slow motion shots. 110% right there. This is,

these, these, you can't see what's happening, but that was the most, it's just a lot of tip the tip of the nipples. She's so reluctant. The tongue. She's so reluctant.

She's like, I really don't want to. These movies instilled the idea in teenage boys of our generation that the nipple is the main pleasure center on a woman's body. The clitoris is on the tip of the nipple, according to the Emanuel series. Basically, what you want to do is set up camp on the nipple and don't venture anywhere else, except maybe a glancing brush over the mons pubis.

Don't venture anywhere else except maybe a glancing brush over the mons pubis. Yeah, it's a dangerous way to get your sex ed, and that's why we need to make sure the public school system covers this. There was also some male nipple licking in this as well. Yeah, there was, because they're in Rio, man. It's a progressive society. I thought that was the most cutting-edge thing of this, was that they showed a man having his nipples licked, which you just don't normally see in porn.

You just don't see it. Yeah, men have nipples too. Have it home. I've got to say I find my nipples to be incredibly ticklish. When anything even glances if anything brushes my nipple I'm sort of like, I get a bit like

I think men get kind of weirded out by nipples. Oh, there's a do-rag. We do. It's Alex. Yeah, well, your experience is men get weirded out around their own nipples. Yeah, I think if... There's only been one person where I've licked their nipples

and they've been like, yeah, no, I'm into this. Out of ballpark? Yeah, ballpark. You're going to force a ballpark figure no in terms of how many dudes nipples you've looked oh i mean i feel like now that i know that men aren't into it i do it more hashtag not all men though some men may be into it and you found one and that's how you know you've got to keep it No, I think that you've just got to Yeah, I don't know

If you find a man who you can lick the nipple of And he's into it You marry that man It's not so much if they're into it or not You don't have to be into it I guess you just It's up to you Yeah

I don't know The person I'm seeing at the moment doesn't like his nipples being licked but then i think you're i think it's also because you just don't see it enough in porn or in softcore porn or anything to what to be to be like to think that this is part of the experience yeah well i just sort of feel like what part of nature do you see nipples being tweaked and why is that such a feminine thing babies don't tweak nipples really you know nature hold on we're all over the map now no but i understand what you're saying but that might be why we associate mouths around women's nipples is because it is it's

embedded in our in our biology and i guess like men's nipples don't do much we know they they've but they have they have milk ducts men yeah i don't know men have milk ducts empty they sometimes um some men lactate there was actually there was a guy at my school who used to be able to get a it was one of his things he could get a teaspoon of milk out of himself yeah really yeah but then i i was always like i don't think that's milk man i think i think you want to go he's coming yeah yeah if it was come or no no don't think that's milk, man. I think you want to go to someone. He's coming for his tea. Yeah. I don't know if it was cum or pasta. No, no, no. It's milk.

It's a fluid. Pasta's a fluid. Cum is a fluid. Yeah, that's true. But I think he was probably producing milk. Wow. I didn't know fellas could do that. Is this true?

Men can get breast cancer too. I didn't realize that. Do we all have eight nipples in the womb? What? No? I think there's like a milk line duct, which has different, like I think there's a line of milk ducts, but only two, but they're connected to the two nipples.

But that's why if you get a third nipple, it's along the line of the milk duct. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Because some people have two third nipple, it's along the line of the milk duct. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Because some people have two extra nipples, and they're just like perfectly formed little nipples beneath where the nipples ordinarily lie. Yeah.

So with mammals and stuff, they'll have like a line of. Like a doggy. Yeah. Whoa. I didn't know we had that at any point. We probably don't give as birth to that many babies now. You think that's why the numbers come down? Oh, yeah.

That actually might be it. Yeah. Yeah, back in the day. What else do you guys know that I've never heard of before? Guys can milk? Guys can milk? Octuplets. Eight nipples in the womb?

What else do you got for me? This is top-notch stuff. I got very little else. I mean, like, anytime I know anything remotely science related that you don't, I feel like I'm out of my depth and probably lying. Because I'm like, well, if Tim hasn't heard about it, maybe I just made this up. It's weird, eh? Sometimes you think, did I dream it?

Yeah. Is it a real thing? Well, I think that's real. I mean, there's two of us. There's one of you. I totally believe it real I think that is real I totally believe it I was just ignorant to the fact How much do you reckon this movie cost to make? $10

My friend who was a sex worker Told me that There was a client who liked having his nipples Tweaked So one day They were having sex and she turned the lights off and she was tweaking his nipple. But nothing was happening. He wasn't making

a sound or anything. And then the lights turned on and she realised that she was tweaking his mole. And he didn't say anything. I can appreciate how that could happen I've got like a I guess it's a mole Like a big old Yeah it's a mole Like quite close to the nipple

And you don't have feeling in there But you know A classic You can feel like Someone's fingers around the mole A classic mix up Should you fake it out of politeness? If someone's tweaking your mole,

you should be like, oh yeah! Oh yeah! No, you redirect them to the nipple. Don't just quite... This is an issue. This happened at this point. The men...

No, men never make... Men don't grunt or really at all during the sex. And in New Zealand... They dubbed it out. All of the grunting. And then didn't dub it back in. The men may have been grunting at the sex. And in New Zealand, they dubbed it out. All of the grunting. And then didn't dub it back in. The men may have been grunting at the time.

They were just quietly going about their work. Strapping their flaccid penis to the inside of their thigh and like humping another leg. At the beginning scene where Emmanuel has sex with Tarzan. That is the least chemistry I've seen on a screen in my life. It was crazy. Yeah, I was watching it and I was like, this should be somewhat arousing. And yet, like, isn't it?

It's crazy. But they were doing one position and then they flicked over to Doggy. And he actually changed it. He put his hand in front of, to imply that he was inserting himself in. And he did it, like, he was so nervous. He did it in, like, half a second and then, like, very blatantly just started, like, shaping sort of his, I guess,

Mons pubis around the curve of her ass. These must be, like, the scenes where you have chemistry or a friendship with the other person, maybe if you're simulating a sex scene in that situation, you could have fun with it. Like, it might be at least bearable. But like when there's so little between the two actors,

it's really tough to watch. You just feel so poorly for them both. The idea of doing a softcore pornography and like doing a sex scene with a pal is quite funny. But it might translate if you're joking with each other, then that can come across as like familiarity. You're right. Genuine chemistry.

Physical intimacy is a little bit easy to achieve. If you've been wrestling for eight years. It's also a trust. Because you're mates. It's trust. If you trust the other person, then you can relax around them and know that you're in a safe circumstance. Right. But these people clearly don't know each other very well.

They're both not professional actors. They're both just attractive people who were next to someone with a video camera who's like i'm making a movie and then you can see all of that terror and like unfamiliarity and discomfort on on the screen and the guy holding the camera you can tell there's shit on the floor and he's trying to like hop around it without causing too much of a scene you You can see that on the shots. You can see someone stepping over two shoes and a sandal. Almost slipping on a sock. I like that one thing that they did show in this movie

was when the pop star first had sex with Danielle, he's still got his undies on? Oh, yeah. He's got his undies on. I thought it was so you can't see his balls. But, I mean, everyone else has their undies off all the time you don't see their balls that's true this guy's got his undies off i'm now just clicking around and playing various this looks unsimulated to me yeah this was the one that was real dicey to me and she that was actually they both did a vaguely good job of simulating an orgasm

yeah yeah i'm buying the problem as well it never showed an orgasm. Yeah. That's the other problem as well. It never showed an orgasm. It just went straight to the next scene. Why do you think they never showed an orgasm? Who's going to come if you... No, no, no. But they didn't even stop or kiss or normally to show the end of a scene. Yeah.

It kind of just stopped. It kind of just went to the next shot. Can you actually, Tim, because after this, we're near the final scene in the film. This is when the pop star and Marie or whatever, they have sex at Emmanuel and Harry's apartment. And then Emmanuel and Harry come back and they're just kicking it on the deck and he's playing a song.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Could you please play the song? Because I think a very funny exercising game would be to imagine you come home to your apartment or a friend's apartment and your friend is earnestly sitting on the deck playing the song on the guitar and you have to be like, dude, you've got to stop.

At least they went to the trouble of getting it recorded in a studio. There's reverb on his voice. Can you hear how hard he is singing? Yeah. The plot twist is that this is the music video. The whole movie was music video. This is weird, eh? This is like a second music video.

They hold hands like, yeah, we did it. We did it. We fucked. We finally had sex. Emmanuel keeps banging on about how two people isn't enough

for like enlightenment sexual enlightenment or a relationship and she only ever has sex with one other person that's true

yeah she has and Harry doesn't have sex with anyone I don't think he signed the clause that was like nudity I wanted to punch

Harry in the fucking head he was my favourite actor though are you serious? Yeah. He sucked. Yeah, but he sucked not as an actor, as a character. I think he tried his best with the character. Nah, I'm not

giving you two that because his delivery on those lines, if he had a bit more chops... He had the most outrage with the monkeys line. He had the most outrage. Now listen, it was a fun scene. I'll give you that. It was the only fucking thing holding this movie together. If you take Harry out, this whole fucking thing collapses around him.

This whole thing was a flaccid tent. It was at no point held up. Do you know what held it up? The first thing at the start, it said, This movie contains some titties. Flames. Warning. Adult only.

You'll get that on all of the legal means In which you might watch Emmanuel and Rio You get that That's got nothing to do with the methodology Yeah it's not sexy eh I mean the room was sexier than this The room The room Yeah

Who would you fuck in the room In the room Yeah I mean obviously the side character I've forgotten his name now That hot guy Yeah hot guy Which hot guy

His friend Mark Yeah Mark The guy he's playing football with on the roof character i forgot his name now that hot guy yeah hot guy which hot guy his friend um tommy and yeah the guy's playing football with yeah i did not hit her i did not that's the guy who plays the ball with there that was really good um this had a room sort of quality to it guy it did who's your number one fuck in the room who's my number one fuck in the room lisa lisa you got lisa you got tommy's mom you got the guy who keeps like oh number one i i thought you're talking about maybe the mom the room that we're in not the film the room well we're just talking about the film the room thank you i feel much more comfortable with the question but you can choose to answer how no no no no uh i guess i

don't know i guess um when he do you know who it is it's the dog when he says hi doggie that little dog yeah you're a wild man yeah i'm crazy for me probably tommy wiseau himself he's so mysterious and leathery that i'd be quite like intrigued to mess around his body looks like marble it's so mysterious and leathery That I'd be quite intrigued to mess around with his body His body looks like marble It's so white and veiny And it just looks like He has the appearance of a vampire Because he could be like 600 Yeah, it's like if a vampire

Was a raisin at the same time Tell me why so A raisin and a vampire had a kid And that kid started getting into the movie business. Yeah. Well, there's a part of our podcast, Angela, that I regret to inform you we must do. And it's nothing to do with any of us, really.

It's a guy who comes by around about now. It's not up to us, Angela. It's up to him. He demands satisfaction. Boner Inspector! Boner Inspector! Or, because we have a woman guest... Pussy Patrol! Pussy Patrol!

Any boners or murmurings in vaginas? Oh, no, nothing. Can I tell you something, Boner Inspector? Yes? This is the least aroused I have been watching any Emmanuel film. It was staggering to me. I cannot stomach a step backwards i must find a boner by the end of this series hold on angela's got something to say no no it was like

it actually put me off sex a little bit it put you off sex yeah yeah i can appreciate that yeah that was it it was it wasn't a sexy film i don't know why it wasn't what put you off yeah because the people were hot yeah people were like attractive and i don't know it was and the setting was nice too but i think there was something about it being in rio and the sheer amount of topless women that were around is is like i really normalized it instantly like oh yeah we're in rio we're at the. They also put that statue of Jesus in it as well. They spliced it in between. It's like...

What's that called again? Christ the Redeemer! Thank you. Huge boner under his cassock. Tucked into his waistband, of course. Not visible, but you know it's there. You think Christ the Redeemer was carved with a big boner? Absolutely.

Oh my God. The statue is named so for his erection, not for the actual statue itself. What? The Redeemer is the name of his penis? His boner. Wow. Do you have a different name for your penis when it's erect, Boner Inspector?

Like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation? Absolutely. I think Mr. Hyde is when it's flaccid, for sure. Yes, and I call him Mr. Seek when he's up. Oh, boy. All right, well, look, no activity for you here. Well, fuck the both of you. All right, good to see you, Boner and Spectre.

See you. Actually, hold on. Guy hasn't said something. Yeah, it's okay. Don't worry. Nothing from me either. I totally agree with Angela's point. This turned me off the idea of sex.

I asked Chelsea not to watch this movie with me Oh wow Have you been watching the other ones with your partner No it was just like the time I had to watch it I watched this with my partner Did you And he said he enjoyed the tits Ah him and Chelsea would get along great

Get these kids together Yeah Hold on Okay what is it Well it's just for many episodes I've been thinking We should get these kids together. Very well. Hold on. Boner Inspector. Okay, what is it? Well, it's just for many episodes I've been thinking that I kind of think we should just hang out more. It feels like you come in here and do your job. I just want to get to know you a little better.

Well, I've got a lot of places to be. I understand. A lot of potential boners to inspect. I just want to ask some questions about you because we hang out with you every episode. Okay, very well. Have you got any family? Me? Yeah. No, family left me long ago, married to my work.

Oh, wow. How did you get into the job? Well, I was bequeathed by my uncle, Gary. Gary the Boner Inspector. Well, he just called himself Gary. I see. He wasn't licensed. Back when he was doing it, it was sort of bootleg work.

Pretty illegal. He was an enthusiast. Yes. You was doing it, it was sort of bootleg work. Pretty illegal. It was an enthusiast. Yes. You've taken it to a professional. Well, you've got to put sort of protections around yourself. I understand. I feel like this is a sad story about a dodgy uncle named Gary. Do you see it as a sad story?

No, no. It's just my life's work. Okay. Gary's gone now. Don't have to worry about Gary. So Gary wasn't doing this as a profession. This is something you've kind of turned into a gig. Sort of, yes.

And what was Gary's deal? Like, was he an all right dude? Yeah, he was pretty fine. He was clinically impotent. Fascinated by other people's erections. That explains it. It's like a Batman origin story. In many ways, yes.

And then Batman doesn't have any kids, so this metaphor sort of falls down in terms of where you're coming from. Neither does Gary. Oh, that's true. So Batman's nephew. I don't know if Batman's got any nephews. I guess Robin. You've got to stop thinking about Batman and start thinking about Gary.

Yeah, you're right. Wait, so Boner Inspector, did you have a name before you became the Boner Inspector? Bruce. Your name is Bruce. Oh, my God. I feel like an asshole. I never asked your name.

Your name is Bruce? Bruce the Boner Inspector. Oh, my God. Bruce. It's nice to meet you. I'm Taylor. Yes. So my parents were huge theater enthusiasts, and once they were murdered outside a show,

I was taken in by my uncle Gary, and he raised me. Wow. That's so unusual because that is also how batman yeah you've been in a cave and just seen boners fly out of it no but i do have a recurring nightmare in which that happens really yes and so taking this on has been like you facing your fear in many ways yet to see a boner though you haven't seen one well apart from my own wow bruce you live such an interesting life i know um i did have another question yes how you sort of sustain yourself uh financially through doing this kind of work ah my uncle's very wealthy oh gary's still with us no well he well, he was. Oh, I see. He died.

He had money. Now you have money. Of natural causes, he died? Is falling down a ravine natural? I guess it's organic enough. Is that a natural death? By falling down a ravine? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that would cause a death.

He wasn't poisoned. Well, not that we know. Yeah, he was poisoned, but it was the fall that... He was poisoned at the time. Simultaneously. Huh. What else have I got for Bruce? Do you have any qualifications?

Yes. What are they? I'm a registered architect. So that's why you knew Christ the Redeemer right off the top of your head? Oh, no, that's more of a hobby thing, yeah. But you know the Guggenheim? Yeah. Yeah.

Great building. I know it too. Angela, you got any questions for Bruce before we let him go? Circumcised or uncircumcised? Uncircumcised. Okay, there we are. Really uncircumcised.

Okay. Okay, Bruce. See you next episode. uncircumcised okay there we are really uncircumcised okay okay Bruce see you next episode don't ask me to stick around if you don't want the answer to the questions bye I wanted to

bye fuck I think we should ask him less questions yeah okay so I think if there's a little bit more

mystery to him it's more alluring the more you know the creepier it gets. He seemed like a well enough meaning guy. Yeah, yeah. I think he's on the level. I think he's okay.

Yeah. Nice to have a bit of backstory. I think it is. I think it's important. I just feel like such a jerk for not knowing his name was Bruce this whole time. Yeah. He's been on so many episodes. Well, you know.

You don't ask, he doesn't tell. Speaking of, it sounds like someone else is at the door. Oh, my God. Hello. Speaking of, it sounds like someone else is at the door. Oh, my God. Hello. It's me, George. Oh, God. Hello, Tim.

Hello, Angela. It's me, George Lazenby. Angela, I'd like to introduce you to one-time Bond, George Lazenby. Oh, hello. Australian model who is still alive. Oh, wow. And renowned for being the world's greatest listener. However, he has two distinct features. One, a throbbing erection, which is surprisingly large.

And a bum chin. A bum chin. I guess he's got three distinct features. The bum chin and also an unquenchable thirst for relief pictures on pornographic films like story ideas for many years now I've had this erection

tucked into the collar of my shirt and I just want respite so what am I pitching? a porno he's ready to go Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz A porno. Yeah. Oh, God. He's ready to go. Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, but is the Wizard of Cock. Pretty good.

Take an existing IP and just work a cock in it. And is the same cast of characters surround Dorothy? Yes. So the Tin Man would be the Bin Man. And what does he lack? A big sack. So his balls just roll around loose in his guts? This has gone so far. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. We're ready now. We've got the bin man who desires a big sack. We've got Who else was this? There's a lion. The lion who Yeah, cowardly lion. I actually don't know what the lion would be. What would the porno equivalent be? He

is a Well, he'd be like a hairless cat. Oh, God. Okay. Pretty freaky, but whatever you're into, I suppose. I guess he would be the shaved pussy. The shaved pussy. Okay.

Makes sense. And what does the shaved pussy want? Hair. Okay. So it's a story about a cat who's biologically predisposed to not having hair having a yearning for hair a cat with alopecia desiring fur that's hot that's sexy i'm invested i'm not aroused but i'm intrigued oh is it to arouse you um well the idea is i could fund this and oh i see in doing so watch it and i think that the the end of the journey is that like

emerald city would be the clitoris oh that's a nice metaphor oh wow so they have to take she takes this journey of going through different towns to meet these characters to find her clitoris incredible yeah do you know i know three versions of the wizard of oz and i like all of them what are the other two wicked wicked and the whiz the whiz you guys seen the whiz no that sounds like porn oh no the whiz is fantastic it's like a motown remake of the wizard of oz but diana ross i think is dorothy michael jackson is the scarecrow it is awesome that's really cool have you never never heard of this? George Lazenby? It sounds vaguely familiar. I was pretty busy when it was coming

out. What about you, Guy? Have you ever heard of The Wiz? I've heard of it in passing. I've not seen it. For no other reason, Michael Jackson's dance is the Scarecrow. I don't know. Are we allowed to watch that anymore? I don't know what the rules are these days, but it's pretty impressive. It's a visual

spectacle of what a body can do. Well, I kind of want to watch it now. I don't know what the rules are these days, but it's pretty impressive. It's a visual spectacle of what a body can do. Well, I kind of want to watch it now. I think you should. Yeah, I mean... Guys, I feel like we've gotten a little off. Oh yeah, shit. Sorry, George. So who else is there? There's Cowardly Lion,

which is hairless pussy. Yeah. We've got the bin man with his rolling testicles. Scrotum. We've got the scarecrow. Oh, yeah, the scarecrow. Scarecrow. Doesn't have a brain. Doesn't have a brain.

Well, that can... I'm not sure. Scare... Maybe that's the scarecrow is... Because he doesn't have a brain, does he? I'm not sure what he can be. I think the Scarecrow can be the Scarebro.

Oh yeah, that's good. And what he desires is friendship because he does nothing but fuck. Jesus. And he doesn't have any relationships that aren't sexual, so he just needs some friendship. Yeah, that's really sweet.

His name is kind of aspirational. It's a pretty fucked up ragtag group of people you've lumped together here. Yeah. Are there any others? So you've got a woman trying to find her clitoris, a cat trying to grow hair, a man in a bin with two loose testicles. Hold on. A guy who can't stop fucking, but also can't form friendships.

And I'm supposed to get off to this? Yeah, man. But hold on. Can I just, before you reveal whether or not you could come to this. Absolutely not for a start. Angela, the bin man. Is it like an Oscar the Grouch situation? Yeah, that could work.

A muppet. This is undoubtedly one of the worst pornographic ideas I've heard. Yeah, but they all have their own journey. Yeah. If you don't like the bin man's journey to find a sack,

then you can go with Dorothy. Like a pick a path. Yeah. But a movie. Yeah. Is there a, can we have like a porn idea? There's a wicked witch as well. Oh, yep.

Tell me about her. She could be a turf. I love that. And so then her sister, Glenda the Good Is a, I think RuPaul Yeah, RuPaul Oh, I do like fracking

What is fracking? Searching for oil using seismic activity Yeah RuPaul's big into fracking Okay, I didn't know that Oh, I didn't know that I thought it was like frigging Oh, Toto.

Can we think of like an equivalent for the dog? Siri. Siri? Yeah, like an AI. You guys have got a lot of work to do. You've got to get in the writer's room. You've got to kick a lot of these ideas around. The work is happening out loud.

I think Toto could be a furry. Oh, that's nice. That is nice. You kind of got me back with Toto, but overall it's a bit of a hot mess. What's it called? The Wizard of

Cock. What if I told you that we got Chris Nolan to direct? Oh, wow. That fucking guy? I do not think he's the guy for this. But when you get Chris Nolan, you also get Hans Zimmer to score the film. Now, that's good.

So where are we on the map? It's just going to be a whole lot. That's pretty good Hans, isn't it? Well, I appreciate your time. It's not for me, but I'm sure it's for someone. All right, George, get the fuck out of here. What about the kids? Go on.

The lollipop kids. Oh, yeah. There's a whole heap of characters in it. Well, Go on. The lollipop kids. Oh, yeah. There's a whole heap of characters in it. Well, hold on. I feel like we need to turn the lollipop kids into something. Can't just have them as the lollipop kids in a porno running around. It's a nightmare scenario. Are they actually kids?

No, they're little people. They're little people. Hollywood ran out of little people for other productions while The Wizard of Oz was being shot it affected some other movie that was being made at the time I can't remember what it was anyway do we roll with that oh no it's fine

what Nixon yeah Nixon I think there's no lollipop kids doesn't make a difference to me I'm not funding this alright sweet thanks for stopping by George No lollipop, kids. It doesn't make a difference to me. I'm not funding this. All right, sweet. Okay, well, thanks for stopping by, George.

Thank you. Do you know, see, George, do you know, some part of me feels like if only the boner inspector and George Lazenby could meet each other, they could provide what the other craves. I know. For the boner inspector, a boner to inspect. For George, someone to do something about his medical disposition. Yeah.

But alas, it seems they always arrive sequentially. One day I reckon we can get one. One's an introvert, one's an extrovert. It's very difficult. Well, that feels like enough rolling around after watching Emmanuel and Rio. 2003. I hated this movie. I rate it so poorly that I didn't want to talk about it.

Yeah, you didn't like it. And I love hanging out with Angela Dravid. She's the best. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I struggled watching it. I kept looking at the time to be, you know, when you look at the play to see when it ends. And it was 20 minutes in. Yeah, I remember after the first sex scene, see when it ends and it was 20 minutes in.

Yeah. I remember after the first sex scene, it was, I checked the time and it was 10 minutes in and I was like, that felt, that whole scene felt longer than 10 minutes. And then in my head I was doing the maths and I was like, what do we get? It's like a 19 or 85 minute film. Yeah. I was like, I'll just go through this so quickly. There's like seven more of these 10 minute installments to watch. That felt so long and threatening.

I wonder if it was because the plot wasn't consistent. Maybe if it had a better plot, you would be more into the sex scenes. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, that does. Yeah, if anything was better in the movie, I would have enjoyed it more. I think that's a fair assessment about how it would have gone.

How would you rate it, Guy? Poorly. Out of 100? Zero. I mean, this tells you how we need to respect our actors, though, as well. That you can't just get people off the street. Respect everybody, though, you know. Yeah, that's true.

Writers. Turns out you need them. Yeah. You need some writers involved with a movie. Yeah. I mean, I do wonder if we could have dubbed it with a better story. Because it's not like they had to stick to the script. I wonder if we should.

At some point. Not with the action that they're serving you. Maybe after the comedy festival's done, we've all got a little bit more free time, we should sit back down with Emmanuel. Sounds awful. Guy looks like he's going to throw up. It's such a bad idea.

It's like we just don't have to deal with this material anymore. We can just leave it in the rear vision mirror. What would you rate it, Angela? Oh, zero. I mean, it was a point. out of a thousand it's still zero but i also feel like if it was a comedy it would be a 0.5 there was more comedy in it than there was sex intentional or unintentional comedy there's like lots of like the dialogue was funny because it was so bad. Actually, Alex, the neon do-re guy, has kicked me up to a.5 out of 10. I did like Alan.

Alex. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I know. All right, that's it. Angela, the New Zealand International Comedy Festival is coming up, and I've looked at the program online, which is where the program is now,

and do you know who's got a show? Me. You. Yeah. What's it called? Stories for Adults. And who are the stories for? Adults.

Perfect name. Yeah. It sounds like a George Lazenby pitch. Oh, actually, that would be better for George Lazenby. Well, he should come. We'll pass it on. Maybe you can make it along to the show. How many shows have you done at the Comedy Festival before?

Oh, this will be my third show. Fantastic. Yeah. Because the first was down the rabbit hole. Yeah, first was down the rabbit hole. For which you won the prestigious Billy T Award. Oh, yeah. And then your second show was what?

Barcelona. Barcelona. About when you went to Barcelona. Yeah. I used the money from the Billy T to find love and it didn't work out. Dang. Yeah. And then now, stories for adults.

Stories for adults, yeah. So if you want to head along there, if you're in Auckland, are you going to Wellington? I am going to Wellington. Nice. First week and second week in Auckland. Head along to ComedyFest.co.nz and look up Angela Drabbit. You might see me there in the audience.

Thank you. Or George Lazenby, wouldn't you imagine? Wow, I'd love to see that boner on the stage. Bye, Angela. See you. you