The Worst Idea Of All Time - 30: Cookie Monster

Episode Date: May 8, 2021

Guyguy and Timbly have just watched Emmanuelle vs Dracula, written by young auteur Rolfe Kanefsky, a man who made his first feature film at 20 with a satirical horror film that pre-dates the original Scream film by five years! Today's softcore is a dreadfully boring film, drenched in mid-2000s fashion (both hair and clothing) and is decidedly Emmanuelle-light. The titular character is given very little to do until she has an orgasm competition with Dracula at the movie's climax - which admittedly is a fun cinematic idea!TWIOAT Live show in Auckland: qtheatre.co.nz/shows/worst-idea-all-time-best-host-all-timeGuy's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/guy-montgomery/Tim's NZ Comedy Fest show: comedyfestival.co.nz/find-a-show/classy-warfare/JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hello. Grudgingly. Welcome. Welcome to Emmanuel vs. Dracula. An exciting edition of the worst idea of all time, Emmanuel season. Season Emmanuel. It's been so difficult knowing that both Emmanuel and Dracula are intellectual properties that exist in the world and yet never seeing them come across one another. And so what a relief it was when I discovered that someone had taken care of this huge cultural question mark and finally answered the question,

what would happen if Emmanuel was to attend a close friend's bachelorette party in a remote house set on the hills, and Dracula was to be passing by, his car was to break down, he was to come by, be invited into the house. Crucially. Because vampires can't enter uninvited. Have his wicked way with the ladies of the bachelorette party. But then, twist, that ain't Dracula. We only see Dracula at the very end. And then Emmanuel and he engage in the highest stake fuck ever.

Yeah. Because if Emmanuel comes harder, she becomes queen of the underworld, serving as Dracula's wife. But if Emmanuel can make him come his brains out, Queen of the Underworld serving as Dracula's wife. But if Emmanuel can make him come his brains out, then he will release them. He has to let all his friends go, which I just think is so disparate, those stakes.

They're not the same. She should have negotiated for something cooler. She was under a huge amount of time pressure and general pressure. It's just for clarity Because the way that we phrased it there Is that if Emmanuel comes harder She loses the

You know traditionally if you're having sex Coming hard is not a loss No this is like a soggy biscuit style Approach to Challenge orgasms Orgasm challenges So you want to be responsible for making the other person come as hard as they can in the world of this bet.

Yeah. And Emmanuel succeeds. Well, no, she doesn't. She does. They're at a sort of stalemate, and then he... No, that's right, he loses. He concedes. And then he says, I lied.

You're too much woman for me. But then he says, I'm not known for keeping my promises. And Emmanuel, conveniently, who is holding a stake, kills him. Yes. And all of the women wake up and they're all very groggy and hungover. And they say, I don't remember anything. But you know what that means? I had a good time.

And we say, no. That's not what that means. And then Emmanuel's made them eggs. And the bachelorette says, you cleaned my house. You made breakfast. And Emmanuel says, them eggs. And the bachelorette says, you cleaned my house. You made breakfast. And Emmanuel says, the eggs are getting cold. And we don't actually see them eat the eggs, but you've got to imagine they all go and have eggs.

That's the whole film. Let me tell you about Rolf Kanofsky, who is the guy who wrote and directed this film. First of all, is he a bigger Dracula or emmanuel fan because it was impossible to tell by watching this i thought he gave both of them equal footing you're out of your fucking mind emmanuel was barely in this movie until the last she was in it more than dracula uh what but not in the same way because there was a dracula stand-in for most of the film there was a middle management there was a guy we thought was Dracula,

and then it was just a twist to be like, no, this guy is Dracula. He was like a floor manager. Yeah, or a surrogate, a Dracula surrogate. It's like when Obama couldn't make it out on the trail, so they'd send Joe every now and then. And now look at him. He's the president.

And Joe Biden. Kianofsky. Barack Obama has a production deal with netflix real role reversal a real fall from grace yeah remember all of the all the movies that joe biden made when he was vice president from his production deal with netflix yeah that was so good knipsky's director 15 of his own films. I don't know how many Joe Biden has. 14. Yeah, I think it is 14. And he's written on several others.

So the main thing I wanted to get to is Kandinsky, the guy who made this movie. His first ever film was a comedy horror, and it was called There's Nothing Out There. And it was a parody of horror films. And one of the lead characters was a guy called Mike, and he had seen every horror movie ever made. Big fan. So he found himself in a set of circumstances that were unfolding like a horror movie, but he knew all the rules.

Yeah. So he was like circumventing all the bullshit that normally catches them out, like running up the stairs when the murder is chasing you and stuff. Now, here's the thing about that. That is very similar to the character of Randy in Scream. Right? Yeah.

Randy knows all the shit. Yeah. So it kind of like he dodges, you know, the murders. But There's Nothing Out Out came out in 1989 so it predates Scream by like what is that five years

when did Scream 95 I think so six years that is incredible because also that predates that is like a really it sounds quite played out

as a premise for a film now and I know that there would have been parody films in 1989 I just wasn't abreast with all of them but that's quite a cunning and brilliant know that there would have been parody films in 1989, I just wasn't abreast with all of them, but that's quite a cunning and brilliant device to sort of have a lot of fun with the genre

that you obviously love. You've imbued your love onto the lead character and you can play around with all of the tropes that you've come to know so well. Konevsky directed this film when he was 20. What were the notes on the film? People like it? Let me check the reception.

People didn't know about it. Tom Becker of DVD Verdict, which as we all know is the authority on cinema, critique and analysis. Tom Becker concluded in his review for DVD Verdict. DVD Verdict is such a good name

for a review website. Yeah, that won't age. He's in his review, a call of slightly loquacious release from Troma. There's nothing out there as a fun little film that's worth checking out. I don't know who Troma is. Oh, maybe that's the production house or something.

So it sounds positive for a first release. A review in Video hounds cult films and sorry cult flicks and trash picks said this is in their in their review in general this no budget parody of screen schlock is barely better than the dreck it imitates so i would call that a mixed uh critical reception and that would be. But it's all about the premise. Because I'm on the Wikipedia page for that movie itself, for There's Nothing Out There. $350,000 budget, so that's very small.

But when you're 20, it's a lot of money. The film satirizes horror films. So this is literally under the production segment of the wiki page. The first fact is that he was 20 years old. The second fact, the film satirizes horror films five years before Scream would be released. Oh, wow. It's very defensively written. Sounds like someone's been in there mucking around with the paragraphs.

I'd say so. Old Rolf. So the crazy thing is Rolf, he was born in 69. So of course he'd do this film. Very nice. But that means he's only 51 now, right? 52? Nice.

62. Oh. 59, 40 plus 20 is 60. Yeah, 62. Are you doing maths? Why are you looking at me like that? Trying to. I just did it for you.

It's 2021. He's 52. He was born in 69. Oh, 69. Sorry. I thought you said 59 for some reason. Why would that be nice? What would be nice about 59?

It's a great year. Guy. What? Born right before the swinging 60s Oh guy What else can I tell you about this movie? I fucking hated it I can tell you that

Tim hated it Tim had a really bad attitude He was very negative towards the movie And everyone in the room the whole time Came out in 2004 Which was You know This movie's very of its time

in a lot of ways it's got that 2004 look and feel where everyone started filming on 720p digital cameras so everyone was like it's high def baby and it's like wait why does everything look like a soap opera now

and the dress sense is very naughties as well. There's a lot of chokers. But it's noughties gothic. Smoky makeup. So what would happen is the middle management Dracula would pick off the woman of the bachelorette party one by one and he would have sex with them or just use mind control

and then when they were in the throes of passion, he would nibble on their necks and yay verily they would become vampires and when they were vampires they would then be transformed to do a heavy eye makeup have a lot of hair product in

chokers the lot Guy and I like swore black and blue that the guy who plays the sort of minion Dracula who's Dracula for most of the film but then turns out not to be Dracula that he was a magician like a real life magician because he does a lot of the fucking

hand stuff there's a particular way of confidence speaking and when i say confidence i almost mean it in the context of like a con man well that yeah that's the genesis of con man right it's a it's all a confidence trick correct uh marcus de anda is his name and he would explain to the woman when he was going to do mind control he'd explain how it was all working in a very sort of sinister magician way and if we've got any fans who are magicians all power to you way to apply yourself and learn a skill but also stop um i thought it wasn't in his IMDb, but actually it's the first credit. So I think this might have been his first film

at credit as an actor. But this dude has gone on to do a lot. 13 Reasons on Netflix. That was on Netflix, eh? 13 Reasons Why. MacGyver, which I did not know that they rebooted MacGyver Like five years ago He's in

NCIS LA Oh wow Yeah the dude's The dude's been mucking in Well It's a shame that he didn't Get to say What I thought was

A guaranteed line For the movie What's that? I want to make you Come It would've been great Would've been really great Hello Emmanuel It is me Dracula Well if we're gonna start come. It would have been great. Would have been really great. Hello, Emmanuel.

It is me, Dracula. Well, if we're going to start fucking around with crossover properties, Emmanuel on Sesame Street. Why not? She meets Big Bird, opens his eyes to the possibilities of exploring his sexuality. Big Bird doesn't have a cock, but

if he figured out how to use that giant fucking beak of his He could show a lot of people a very good time Yeah, you'd have to be careful though It's just like a thin line A thin yellow line between Injury and ecstasy With Big Bird

Top 5 fuckable Sesame Street puppets Go Oscar the Grouch Number 1 This is a no particular order but they're all in there snuffle up i guess no i i need i need the name and then i need one just a sentence on why uh well oscar the grouch um if you were if you were if you've got low self-esteem you're feeling bad about yourself and you want to have like a pity fuck with someone who lives in a dumpster, that's where you go. So dire.

Big Bird. Generous, huge, inventive, very up, very joyful. And also, I feel like open to direction. I feel like if you're doing something with Big Bird. I actually don't. I think he's one of those guys when the door handle shuts, he's in charge. Things flip a little bit. Snuffleupagus at third position on this top five.

Snuffleupagus, he's dependable, and he's a little bit freaky, but he's not too freaky. Genuinely struggling to remember some more Sesame Street characters. I guess Bert and Ernie are on the same You don't get them individually? They're absolutely a pair They're one sexual entity And what appeals to you about Bert and Ernie? There's two of them, isn't there?

They can do a lot of fun things You like the idea of DP with Bert and Ernie? Absolutely. Absolutely. And then who else is on the street? Elmo, the Cookie Monster, the Count. I'm not bringing Elmo into our sordid affairs. Wait, what were the other ones you said?

Cookie Monster, number one, with a bullet. There's what he's saying when he keeps like, I mean, it's just a euphemism. He loves munching cookies. He'll do anything for a cookie. He's Limp Bizkit, baby. He does it all for the cookie. Yes. 100%.

So he's just, he's thirsty as fuck. Cookie Monster, man. He wants it. So, I think Emmanuel shows up and people get quite freaked out by her because she doesn't sort of match the usual tone of Sesame Street. Hey, hold on. There's someone at the door. Come in.

Come in. I feel like I should be here for this. Oh, okay. Okay. George? Yeah. I've got an idea for you. Yeah.

Emmanuel on Sesame Street. So, Emmanuel comes in, and I'm going to pick the Holly Sampson Emmanuel for this. She's still kicking around. She's got an Instagram account. I think we could get in touch with her as long as we can convince Jim H henson's production is that who makes sesame street i don't know who makes it oh no it's that kid's um pbs oh no wait they sold it oh fuck i

don't know whoever runs sesame street these days we'll get in touch with them send them an instagram dm as well maybe we'll make it a group chat So The idea is Sorry You're going to make it a group chat With Holly Sampson And Sesame Street Whoever runs Sesame Street From whose account?

Mine Fantastic So Emmanuel shows up On Sesame Street Yeah And she fucks her way Through Timbett's

Top five Top fucks On Sesame Street This Sounds Magical Yeah it's really good. And interestingly, the only roadblock she hits

is Bert and Ernie, who are not into her at all. So they sort of have to have a chat about that, because she's quite hurt, because Emmanuel is so used to being the object of desire for every person that she comes across.

Intriguing. And so this is kind of like the first time she's had to, um, eat her beans, so to speak. Have you heard that turn of phrase before? No. Eat your beans.

It's sort of like, uh, eat humble pie would be another way of saying it. I guess experience humility, be humbled. She's, she's being humbled in the arena. Have some bean pie. Yep. I guess that sounds gross. Be humbled. She's being humbled in the arena. Have some bean pie.

Yep. I guess that sounds gross. Bean pie. Yeah. That's so weird. What kind of beans would be in it? Like baked beans. One of every bean.

One of every kind of bean. Pintos. Baked. Kidney. That's all of them. Jelly. Jelly beans. Pinto.

Jelly beans. Yep, that is a bean Refried So Emmanuel and Bert Noonie Actually don't fuck Ultimately But they They masturbate

In the same room together All three of them Yes Simultaneously That's how they sort of Negotiate their way through I Really like that

Yeah And I've got to say i've been stopping by a while nothing's quite taking my fancy like what you're describing so far sesame street emmanuel yeah it's the ultimate crossover event we're gonna need to get those dms out there yeah big time big time i think it would inject a bit of relevancy into both franchises weirdly you know like i think it's beneficial for both i think sesame street's doing okay i don't know man i feel like it's on the wane i think they sold they sold themselves to like netflix or something come and play everything's hey okay george i

didn't realize you had such a beautiful singing voice. You should do the theme for this movie. In fact, I think I'm recording this conversation. Oh. I'll just cut that. Okay. I'll put that on, get someone to master it, put some instrumentation behind it, and we're done. Watch Emmanuel fuck the street.

Can you show me how you come, how you come on Sesame Street? Bert and Ernie masturbating one by one in a bathtub that's full of cum, can you show George Lazenby how to get to Sesame Street? How to get to Sesame Street? All right, nice to see you, George. Really nice to see you. Don't forget your hat. Bye, boys. Really nice to see you.

Don't forget your hat. Bye, boys. Something fucking sinister about that guy, and that is coming from the mouth of a guy who just pitched a Sesame Street Emmanuel crossover porno. I don't mind him. I feel like it's probably more important for him than it is for us at the moment to get in and have those chats. Yeah, I just hope that we could sort of jump on the grenade

and he's not exposing his dark energy elsewhere. But it's a fine line between enabling the guy and letting him vent so he doesn't have to do something else. I just can't get the idea of sort of this Emmanuel, Sesame Street crossover happening, and then George Lazenby kicking in a door with the top of his boner poking out of the collar of his shirt.

I reckon he'd get a producer credit. He seems pretty enthused and I think he's still got some of that convention bond money coming in. It's fantastic. What is your shining light? You really abandoned that segment for the Emmanuel series by and large, but what was your shining light? You really abandoned that segment For the Emmanuel series by and large

But what was your shining light of this movie? Which we have talked about not very much And I don't want to either We've done alright I think I'm trying to remember anything in particular The sort of close up magic element Of the middle management Dracula

was really nice. And I think when he first arrives at the house, and we know it's Emmanuel versus Dracula, so we know there's something up with this guy, and all of these women, they call themselves a coven. They're old university friends, all the attendees of the bachelorette party, and they're sort of all quite horny and also all quite down on the concept of marriage

uh he arrives no one of them's been married for four years and says that she absolutely loves it yeah because she's got a new friend walter and walter is the vibrator yeah walter never gets tired i just change his batteries and then one of other woman is disgusted by the idea of using a vibrator. Yeah. And then, anyway, then- I think they needed to explore that more, to be honest, because it seemed like she was repulsed by the idea of- Sex and sexuality.

Vaginally inserting anything, including a penis. And then Dracula arrived. Which is all G, but it seemed like something that- A bigger conversation. Well, it was a surprise for all of the gals. And, yeah, this woman seems singularly repulsed. So I think maybe they could have talked that out. It's difficult, isn't it?

If you're at a friend's bachelorette party and you're going through something or you sort of unearth a topic of conversation that you've never really opened up about before. Turns out one of you is asexual, and that's what you find out. And you really want to have that conversation, but also it does feel a little bit like you're stealing the thunder from... Yeah, it's like wearing white on someone else's wedding day, turning up to a bachelorette party and being ace. So that first bit?

Don't wear white on a... Oh, shit, what did I say? You're not supposed to wear white on a wedding day? Yeah. Oh. I went to a wedding last week. Yeah, what'd you wear? It's not important.

You dumb fuck. Did you wear white? Did you wear a bone white suit? Yeah. That would actually be killer. I wore a bone white suit. Yes. Shirtless.

Huh. And I had my makeup on my face. You had my makeup on. Yeah. Bold choice. Huh. And I had my makeup on my face. Your mind makeup on. Yeah. Bold choice. Yeah. It didn't go down well, but maybe for different reasons. There was a photo knocking around online very recently of a mother-in-law who came in a

white dress to her son's wedding. And usually I don't care for that sort of internet fodder that gets shared among the boomers on Facebook, but I tell you what, I sort of internet fodder that gets shared among the boomers on Facebook. But I tell you what, I was very tickled by that whole situation. And just having a bit of a think about that poor woman who's married into this family's life. What were people saying? They were like, this is absolutely wretched. This is dog shit.

What was funny as well about the photo is that she was in quite an elegant elegant um white wedding dress yeah the mother-in-law was but the the mother of the bride was in a real chill outfit like it was a nice kind of skirt or something but it wasn't a whole she had she had not only picked entirely the wrong color but also had way overshot the sort of tone of the wedding You feel like you'd be pretty intimately Knowledgeable about the tone of the wedding And being a parent of One of the betrothed

It's crazy how at the wedding The fella This is at a heteronormative wedding But the fella's standing at the aisle Milling around saying hi to everyone And then We must hide the woman Yes What's with that? But the fellas standing at the aisle, milling around, saying hi to everyone. And then... We must hide the woman. Yes.

What's with that? Look, it's all the patriarchy, isn't it? You know? People still love that. It's that whole thing of lifting the veil and whatnot. It's the reveal. Yeah. I think it's all tied in with virginity and how they used to...

Be virgins....rate it. Yeah. I think it's all tied in with virginity and how they used to be bloody race it. Yeah. Which I think was mostly to do with, um, people think that virginity was all, I mean, it kind of, I, here's what I think happened. I think the church kind of took that over that virginity value thing because they will, it was, it was more tied up with land bequeathment and your succession line. Virginity was. Well, yeah, because you have to have had no kids until you get married off to the guy because if you've got illegitimate children, they would have a claim on your titles, your land, whatever. So you've got to keep everything very fucking controlled.

So that you can just cleanly hand it over to the guy. To your children who your parents planned out your family tree kind of thing. You don't want to let people fuck that up and do what they want to do. Because then you get some rando kids out there who are going to come for your title and your deeds and whatnot. I think that's what it's all about. So then the church just assisted the state with being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone's going to be a virgin

because God said. It's like, that's not it. Incredible. Fuck. Well, all that to say, when Dracula... Yeah, wind me up. When Dracula arrives and starts talking and they say, would you like to come in?

And he sort of just handles himself really well. He does. He's got terrible sideburns and a horrible little truck of beer. But he's a classy guy. And they ask him in. He asks if he can use the phone. They ask him in. They said, do you want a drink?

And he said, I'm okay for now. And I just thought it set up the movie nicely. The way he handled it, the way he played it was really cool. And that was my shining light. Yeah, we liked him. Yeah. We liked him when he came in. We said, this is a cool character.

I tell you what, as soon as they let him in, you know, it went down. It became bad. Yes, that's true. He sat down at the dinner table. Someone offered him some garlic bread. He said, no, no, I never touch the stuff. And we were like, oh, yeah.

Emmanuel's garlic. Because later on, there are a couple of male strippers who show up and they get turned into vampires. And one of them is about to turn another one of the women into a vampire. And the woman picks up a piece of garlic bread and puts it on his face and he... Dies?

Evaporates. Yeah. They evaporate into dry ice steam in this. Pretty cool. Carbon dioxide. How would you handle a vampire? Hmm. Well, there's a good question.

I think, are we applying just the sort of traditional rules? Traditional vampire rules apply. Well, actually, I floated this while we were watching the movie. I think I would get a little bit creative because things like garlic, they're everywhere, man. You could get access to garlic. So say I'm trapped in a house. Chances are there's going to be either some fresh garlic

or that pottle that you have in the fridge of crushed garlic, the pottle you're cooking. So I get a bunch of garlic and boil it up and then put that garlic water in a spray bottle and rock around with that. Yeah. It's a very like no fuss way of just kind of squirt it like you squirt a cat when it's up on the bench and then they would have to avoid you a bit. Much easier job cleaning up in the morning. Or eat a shit ton of garlic so it starts coming out your pores of your skin.

Aye. Or just rub a bunch of garlic on yourself. Yeah. I think the spritz option is the tidiest. Yeah, it's all external though. They could catch me unawares and off guard. Whereas if I wear the garlic, that's like a... That's quite a classic is a bunch of garlic strung up on a piece of twine. I don't trust the cross thing that they reference

in this film and it's always a very messy like, you know, where is the line of what constitutes a Christian cross that's gonna fuck them off. They made some thin crosses too. Yeah, just out of some bread and some butter knives, some silverware. It's just taped together.

They taped two butter knives together and they were like, you can't come near me. And like okay and the vampires were totally non-plussed yeah like i can i can come near you yeah missed an opportunity here interesting to think of a porno that is scored entirely by spooky music really really difficult to come to that stuff at one point tim said i need this to stop being scored by minor chord pan pipes yeah it was so upsetting this is just awful the tone was all off it's very hard to get any kind of um not just to rouse it but even in the fucking zone even just to enjoy the movie you know i liked the bit... This guy's too attached to the idea

of it being a horror movie. And it's like, what you're trying to do is make a porno with elements from Dracula. It's not like I'm going to make... And music is the worst element as well. At least there's something psychosexual about the visuals of horror. But they just took shitty,

like, off-brand production music from a bad horror movie and scored the movie with this it's a boner killer think about it relative to emmanuel's pie yeah i mean it like i love that emmanuel is having a lot of fun with itself now yeah and that i mean it is incredible to think of the journey that we've walked to come here, like from the sort of genuine erotica and like sort of high society European cinema that we are watching. It was the Sylvia Christel days of Emmanuel. A debutante on the silver screen.

Through like this transitional period with Lazenby and Emmanuel sitting on the plane, sort of reminiscing on- Faded glory. Conquests gone by. That was the Emmanuel faded glory series. And then all the way through the Emmanuel in space, Emmanuel 2000s, like we've been on a genuine journey. And then now I feel like the franchise itself,

with respect to its self-awareness of this mid-2000s period, it's like, okay, people know the Emmanuel brand. They recognize that if we put the name Emmanuel on it, they know roughly what they're going to be getting with respect to body parts and eroticism. And an accidental vagina in this one. That's right. Two, actually, two accidental vaginas.

And so now they're like, well, what can we do? I feel like we've established our imprint on the franchise. We're enough removed from the European one that we don't have to worry about being faithful to that. Let's have some fun. And they're not always succeeding, but they're at least having a red hot go. You're dead right.

I love that they're trying. This was very strong because it had a definite look and feel. Because it was Dracula. So they made all the women dress up in goth makeup. Yeah. And that's cool. I like that they were

taking some swings for the fences. And they shot a lot of stuff to make this movie, to make this bad movie. It's such a simple, also like, it's a classic,

simple premise all set on one night film, which is a, like, you know, that's an enjoyable sort of genre. If you do it right. It's a classic end of high school, super bad, book smart style thing

where it's like we've got one night to do this. And this was all like, there's a bachelorette party. The whole movie is set across the experience of one bachelorette party. And they did the classic fucking five-year-old storytelling thing of closing it with, essentially, that was all a dream. It was all a dream. As far as anyone except Emmanuel. Do you reckon we could make a pretty good porno at this stage, you and I? Well, I think you described a pretty incredible porno not so long ago.

That's true. Tim, I'm going to be honest with you. This experience has done nothing for my desire to create or consume more porn. I don't think that we could make a very good porno. I don't think this is a very good, I don't think we're steeped in what makes quality porn by watching these films. Yeah.

I mean, if- You can't get good at something by surrounding yourself with bad examples of porn. Well, I mean, I guess on like a very rudimentary level, it's useful to know what to avoid or what bugbears that you carry with you from this franchise and all of the missteps that we believe to our tastes it has made. I guess it would be like after the first season of this podcast,

us being like, we can make an ensemble comedy because we've seen grown-ups too so many times. Yeah. We know how to do it wrong 52 times, so I reckon we know exactly how to do it right. Once. I mean, do you genuinely think know exactly how to do it right. Once. I mean, do you genuinely think we could make a good porno? Yeah.

I think we're aware of a lot of the pitfalls now. What are the pitfalls? For the two of us. Don't use spooky music. And if you're going to, make it just better. Don't make it that cheap synthy sound. Make it a cool one. I think also where these movies have been going wrong is that um

show me a dick first of all yeah i say that you're not wrong show me one solitary penis would be nice to see i think the uh the we're not invested enough in these characters if you're going to make a 90 minute porno i really actually want to be like invested be invested in the sexual chemistry and journey. Absolutely. Because Emmanuel in space, in retrospect, for me, might be a high watermark of this season. We had a really good actor portraying the character of Emmanuel. We had a genuine seven-film arc. I mean, the guy playing Heffron,

I don't know if i'd describe his acting as good per se but it was very like consistent he stayed yeah being that kind of he was that guy guy undeniably yeah throughout the whole thing and so at least you could sort of latch onto it and there were you know moments of comedy and levity and stuff which really helped as well but they felt pretty competent they were wild like the premises were what which also added to the fun of it it's like wow it was because it wasn't taking itself so seriously and that's where some of these ones get confused is it's like there's manuel's pie was a comedy but this one was they you know they sort of shot right through the middle of being a porn or a horror film because the director i think he is like a horror film director just presented

us with nothing yeah yeah you didn't achieve anything you know looking in the mirror not a boner inside what's that just saying that there were no boners Really? Tim? Hey boner inspector, no But George Lazenby was here moments ago And he I mean He was good to go

You gotta see it, it's disgusting It's gross Wish I could It's gross wish I could it's gross for us but um I tell you what hang around after

just if you could just wait outside for now yeah we're done here okay and I'm gonna see

if I can coordinate a time to get you and George on that'd be lovely because I just hate the fact that you guys keep missing each other okay

okay see you boners very well bye not even close for me this week at no stage at no stage oh one thing that we haven't really mentioned very much

maybe we haven't I've forgotten Manuel is really not in this film the woman who plays Manuel in this one she's got an eastern european accent which is fun yeah um but she really doesn't feature until the end it's yeah it's difficult because you're focusing on the plight of everyone but her she is the

most sus of all of the women at the bachelorette party this guy arrives and she's the movie opens it has a cold open which is set in emmanuel's subconscious she's it shows us a dream that she has where she's having sex with a vampire and then what do you know the next day she's at the bachelorette party and the very same person from her dream arrives who is this middle management vampire and so the whole film emmanuel's like i've got a bad feeling about this guy i'm not so sure about him and all of the other women at the bachelorette party are horny and want to fuck him and more or less do and so the whole movie emmanuel's role is pretty much walking around the house going i got a bad feeling about this i don't know about this guy oh no and then eventually you get that lovely high stakes

coitus at the end but prior to that you're just watching a beautiful, blonde, Eastern European woman worry about the livelihood of her friends. Just worrying. Just a lot of worrying. Pottering about the house. She actually, just reminiscing, then gave me a great memory that at the start of the movie, the bachelorette is on the phone to Emmanuel getting ready for the party that night,

and she puts a big roast, or it's actually just a big unroasted chook on the phone to Emmanuel getting ready for the party that night and she puts a big roast or it's actually just a big unroasted chook in the oven to roast and then she takes out a pre-prepared salad. It's the morning. That's a good point. This bachelorette party's not kicking off for about eight hours but she takes out a salad on like a silver serving tray

She's prepared the salad before the chook has gone in the oven. It's been refrigerating overnight. It is lettuce and one carrot cut into three pieces, and she drops it onto the rug, which is next to the fridge in the kitchen, picks it up, puts it back on the plate, and then just starts running it under the tap.

Why did they show us that? Because, like, I really thought that would make a comeback in terms of someone to get food poisoning or something it's like why would you spend time lingering the shot on this this rinsing off well but i'll tell you why actually you've in literally sitting on this moment for long enough you've reminded me why because the shot of the water running on the salad becomes a crossfade into bubbles being poured into a champagne flute.

That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't justify it being in there. It means we're watching a film. Oh, fuck. That's called a match cut. Well, match me up with some more match cuts because it was beautiful. Triumph of cinema. All right, listen.

We've been talking for 36 minutes. I'm fucking done on Emmanuel versus Dracula. Fair enough. Do you want to talk any more about it? No, I want to talk about this. If you're listening

and you're in New Zealand, buy a ticket to Auckland. And once you're in Auckland, make sure it's on Thursday, the 20th of May, because there can only be one, the best host of all time, our live show

in a giant fucking room at 9pm on Thursday, May 20th, as I've said, the best host of all time. Our live show in a giant fucking room at 9 p.m. on Thursday, May 20, as I've said, is happening. Please come along. Tim and I will pit our wits and various other physicalities and mentalities against one another to finally decipher which of us is the superior host. It's also streaming online, so no matter where you are,

you can watch it. At the time of recording this, I haven't got a link up, but hopefully by the time the episode comes out, I will. So check the episode description notes for a link. You animals.

I've also got a solo show. It's called Classy Warfare. It's happening in Auckland. Classy Warfare. Auckland and Wellington. Only in New Zealand. No streaming there. Show's not good enough. Might be there. Show's not good enough.

Might be, though. Show's not good enough to stream. I think it will be. Maybe it will be. I'm excited for this show, Tim. Your stand-up comedy is... I mean, I know that you're very busy at the moment, so you're probably not performing as much as you'd like,

but when I see you perform, I think Tim's onto something here. Thanks, mate. Just fucking keep hitting it. Guy's show is called... Keep ripping it. Guy Montgomery by name, Guy Montgomery by Nature. And it is also in both towns, Auckland and Wellington. You simply must attend.

That's right. It's a very Guy Montgomery heavy show. If anyone else says that they've got more Guy Montgomery per person in the show. It would be incredible if they did, if someone pulled that off. I'd be impressed. I'd be impressed if they pulled it off without my knowing about it. Yes.

Because I'm Guy Montgomery. Do you know the one person who I think could maybe do that? You? Tony Lyle. How? No, I don't know. Anyway, look, goodbye,

and please don't watch Emmanuel vs. Dracula. I can't recommend it, and I also didn't give a shining light. But if I had to, it was the mutton chops on the guy with thickest facial hair. Incredible facial hair. I'd like to say this as well. I want you to, at the end of this, I want you to pause the podcast and wait until you're going to bed

and then I want this to be the last thing you hear tonight before you fall asleep I want to make you come Tim hated that that was grim Thank you. Bye.