The Worst Idea Of All Time - 34: Banana

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

An awful watch of the next Emmanuelle (Sex Goddess) for the Frosty Fellaz has the boiz listless and lashing out at each other. The Boner Inspector darkens our door but not for long, Guy's sending emails and Tim is losing his sh!t. The film is basically the lead trying to track down a person/concept/Goddess(?) named Abigail. George Lazenby makes possibly his all time greatest appearance on the show (by which we mean most stomach churningly terrible) and there's some chatter on M. Night Shyamalan.SUPPORT US ON PATREON: (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 This is the grimmest shit. I hate this. I hate this. I hate where it's at. I've just introduced Tim to edging, everybody. What one did we watch? We watched the one where we both got hard and pushed ourselves to the brink of orgasm,

but then held off. Fuck you, man. What's your problem? I hated that experience. You were in such a foul mood because of this film. I hated it so much. It was Emmanuel and the Sex Goddess. Is that what it's called?

Emmanuel and Abigail. The Tale of Two Women. Oh, come on, man. We've got to at least know the name. We've got to get the name. I think it came out in 2006, this movie. Pretty recent. Pretty recent.

We've still got the same Eastern European. 15 years ago. We've still got the same Eastern European woman portraying the titular Emmanuelle. That movie's in high school right now. Coming to grips with sex and sexuality. Emmanuelle Private Collection. Let's see here.

Not the Art of Ecstasy. Couldn't find that one. Jesse's Secret Desires. No. Sexual Spirits of Time. When was this? Because I think you found it. Yeah.

So what one was it off this? You have a look on it. Don't you sigh at me, young man. Just trying to find out what flick we just watched. Sexual Goddess, I think you said, but I couldn't see it on the list. Don't you sigh at me young man Just trying to find out what flick we just watched You just Sexual goddess I think you said but I couldn't see it on the list Sex talk Oh fuck I don't know man

I don't care it was bad I was trying to bring positivity And light to this and now I'm trying to bring information And context Okay well if you look in our Facebook message thread You'll see It's

There in an ex-video link Sex goddess There you go It's a manual The private collection Sex Goddess Is the one that we just watched And I hate it And I hated watching it And it went on even longer than normal,

not just in feeling but in actuality because several reasons. I was finishing something off when Guy came around, and then Guy locked his keys in his car, so then we had to call the automotive, what is it? Automobile assistant, AA? Yeah, AA is what we call it here in New Zealand. And a lovely man came along in his van, and I went out there for about 20, 25 minutes. I just stood impotently by while he tried to hook the lock inside of my car

out with a piece of sandpaper on the end of like some string i guess you can't just leave him to it because you got to be there for the moment when he actually cracks it so shit well like just knock him you know what we actually had some laughs oh that's good it was quite nice and he kept saying it's just like a video game and i thought yeah it's a little bit like a video game it's sweet how old was this dude do you reckon uh he was a grown-up so anywhere between 21 and 75 i guess okay if you're over 75 i'm sorry you're not a grown-up anymore you're elderly and if you're under 21 you're a boy all people under 21 are a boy. The woman who wrote this film. A woman wrote this film?

Yeah. Shana Lumista Stern. She was born in 1969 in San Fran. Shout out. Fuck, actually. She's just had her birthday. Oh, wow. July 23rd.

Happy birthday, Shana. I'm just trying to see what else she's done. She's credited on IMDb as an actress, writer, and producer. And the poster for Wreck has come up under her name. So I'm just seeing what her involvement was. I'll bet it's the adapted American version. Was Wreck a horror film? Yeah. And it was like a-

The OG one is fucking scary. I saw it at the cinema when it first came out. Scared the shit out of me. But it's all in Spanish because I think it was made in Mexico. God, it was good. Not that there's anything wrong with that. What are you talking about? I'm just saying things.

You know what? There was something wrong with that. I want you to look at me in the eyes and talk to me, Tim. I want you to talk to me about the experience. I want you to tell me the miscellany about the people who are responsible for the monstrosity we just watched. I want to have a fucking conversation with you. I just want to find out what she's done. Is that so bad?

Something called National Lampoon's funniest movie or funniest film. It's a good idea for a movie. Have you ever heard of that? Yeah, of course I have. Everyone likes a funny movie. How is she responsible? Did she write it? Did she act in it?

Oh, maybe that's not a thing oh maybe that's a list sorry that's a poll it just dropped to the s because it ran out of room this one's about ring ring real world calling uh oh can i ring you back i'm just looking up someone's imdb at the moment i just because this i hated this movie but i think um probably shana is getting, I don't know why I'm blaming solely the writer. There was another aspect that made me very ill in this movie, and that was the camera movement.

Man, buy a tripod, dudes. No, it was a conscious, artistic, and creative decision. Cinema, not verite, but sort of a technique that's since been popularized in a common language in television. Mockumentaries popularized it. I mean, mockumentaries moved away from talking heads but used the same technique. It's a lot of sort of handheld pivots between people. It gives you the feeling of being on the ground,

and I'm sorry to say that when you're on the ground, you're also feeling motion sickness. Yeah, because you're constantly whipping your head over to whoever's talking yeah i get why they did it though because from a i guess film making point of view in terms of the actual production then you only have to shoot everything once you don't have to keep like retaking you know why do you only have to shoot everything once because you're literally just whipping the camera over to whoever's talking rather than shooting the scene and it's like okay we'll get this person's close up then we'll get the mid then we'll get this person's close up it's like no we're just gonna film it once and the camera op will just fucking whip that thing around we just take

it how it comes out i mean that's what we just watched so many of those conversations it was a sort of a wide that they would just whip this fucking thing around there were a lot of conversations there were a lot of characters there was a lot of was there a lot of sex yeah there was a ton of sex in this movie did you like that tim nah people watch these movies to jerk it yeah i get that i understand do you understand that you'd think i would because i do a ranking of 10 10 being you know orgasmic ecstasy and zero being um listen to me nothing how like erotica is about context and i have such baggage with these films now of them being just an impedance to my day we just shut there's something about shutting the curtains today's a not bad day it's been rainy it's been cold recently but we had to shut the curtains. Today's a not bad day. It's been rainy. It's been a nice day. It's been cold recently,

but we had to shut the curtains to the lounge to darken the room, both physically and metaphorically, to watch this low-resolution porn that we found on a website. How easily do you imagine someone without the associated emotional baggage with the franchise in this particular film

could achieve climax watching this. Look, if you set your mind to it, the sky's the limit. You can jack it to nothing. So if you've got the aid of naked woman, then presumably it's all the easier. And this film's got a lot of naked woman. We've turned the Ben McGugan corner. But this one was more subdued than the one we watched. Yeah, there was a lot of very bad mime work around both cunnilingus and fellatio.

A lot of heads canted on unusual angles meant to denote oral sex. There was a real blowjob in here, though. Yeah. I mean, and there was also some very intense banana play Oh man We're back on the food buzz Yeah they got a lot I just hate this Emmanuel

The woman playing Emmanuel Yeah Well let me rephrase that I hate this portrayal of Emmanuel Think about how far we've come as a franchise This movie did at least honour some of the older films Where it was intercut with footage from an exotic, feels like the wrong word, but the way it's seen on camera.

We started so strong. We started so strong. It was like an Emmanuel of yore in all the best ways. We had an international setting, by which I mean it wasn't america it looked like it was um it could have been thailand or malaysia or bali or something in that region and they were doing like a um some sort of uh festival yeah it was a nighttime festival there was a huge turnout pre pre-covid obviously yeah it was so dope too because we got a little bit of the law l-o-r-e which was there are these gods and one of them i've forgotten the name of and and that one was i i sort of took

it to mean that that god whose name i've forgotten represented the masculine and it was all about aggression and that god created uh all of these horrible monsters that would come and fuck up humans at night time and then there was the feminine goddess form which was abigail and abigail was the goddess of uh human sexuality and i think humans in general as well and so the the people had to go and fight these monstrous creatures at night. And we lost a lot of good humans. At this point, Guy was on his fucking laptop blasting emails off. Yeah, I'm organizing something which is going to be fully sick. Upset me no end.

Because what is even the point of this podcast if we don't sit down and watch the movies? I told you I had to send these emails. It doesn't answer the question that I just asked, but very well. And then things got steadily worse from there because the intro was hype. I was there for it. And then suddenly we're just down to the Eastern European woman whose name I forget, but Guy looked it up

and he's got a good memory. So I reckon he remembered. I don't fucking know. Yeah, her name is Natasha. See, I came in. I wanted to spread positivity. I wanted to talk about the franchise and where we are placed within it, how we're feeling.

But now I feel frustrated and cross. It's a complicated movie. They're confusing movies. There's no clarity. They're hard to jerk off to. It's hard to follow the plot. It's all fucking boring and grainy. The camera work's a nightmare.

All of the actors suck absolute shit. Two women sucked off a banana at the same time until it was bruised and soft and more mushy than it already is one of the least erotic fruits we kept cutting to a woman who was being fucked by a python oh yeah it just went on and on and on and everyone who walked into the into the seat into any scene menu would say abigail and they'd say no and she'd say i keep imagining someone called Abigail. Abigail was trapped inside of a camcorder. It was a fucking disaster. I hate this fucking movie,

and I'm back in a place that I haven't been for a long time with the podcast where I hate you, Tim. Good man. Well, that's good. I think it's good for entertainment value. Bad for me.

Bad for us, but I'm willing to wear that. I said to you in the middle of the movie, I'm ready to hang out with you. Yeah. Socially. Yeah. I need to see you outside of this because this is getting me down.

What are we doing here? These movies are impossible to follow. We're not watching them on their terms. We're not jerking off to these movies. We set ourselves a challenge and the challenge we shall meet. And we have met. Like our forebears, Sir Edmund Hillary, who promised. He promised to climb Mount Everest, and then he did it.

I've climbed Mount Everest before. This is like a mountaineer saying, I'm going to climb that mound of quicksand. And now I'm in the middle of the quicksand. And I think, why am I in quicksand? This isn't even what I'm wearing crampons for. So here's the plot. Emmanuel gets visited.

I don't want to know about the plot. No, come on. Come on. Let's give it a bash. No, I'm not doing it. Let's give it a little bash. So we get introduced to this background lore of the gods. I'm so angry to try and rehash what happened in this movie.

That's good. Use that. Use that anger. This is like Star Wars. It's like the force. I'm going to count to ten slowly, and I'm going to run my hand over my fingers while I do it to calm me down. Self-soothing thing.

What do you want me to do? Do you want me to abandon them? No, no, you do the plot. Okay, I'm going to get into the plot. So the first thing I remember happening after we were introduced to the gods and Abigail is Emmanuel is like poolside somewhere in los angeles and her friend comes to visit her and there's a bit of horsing around and her friend i think is studying at a university or college like film studies so she's got a camcorder with her she's got to make a from memory six minute

short film for her assignment but um during all this ass grabbing by the pool emmanuel knocks the camera over and cracks the screen so then emmanuel promises that she's going to fix it her friend doesn't seem too perturbed by this or even slightly put out to be honest and uh what happens next? We've got a guy called Steve. Emmanuel becomes obsessed with a woman named Abigail who's the aforementioned goddess of human sexuality, and all she wants to do is figure out who Abigail is, and they don't even solve it by the end of the movie. She just fucks a bunch of people and says,

are you Abigail? And they say no, and then they have sex. Now, at the end of the movie, it's like everyone's Abigail. Guess what? Abigail lives in all of us. Abigail is your hard-on abigail is your wide-on abigail is your wet pussy she's your puckered asshole she's your salivating mouth dying for a banana and a cock at the same time she's a fucking nightmare what about the movie with the male god who smites everyone for watching this in the first fucking place what about that movie What about some of these monsters come out of the screen and eat us for even engaging with the idea

that that's a worthwhile pursuit? Those monsters look so cool. How many views does that have on Xvideo? Can you please check that information for me? Oh, you want me to look that up? Yeah, you can click on it behind you. It'll be faster. I want to know how many people have done the same thing

that we just did. And I want to dive into the comments. Are there comments on xvideo.com? If there are, what are people saying? I have to turn my head around. 215,119 views. Just one comment. It's in French, I think.

It looks like Spanish. Spanish. That is a bad ratio. How many videos? Hold up. Gracias por subluer. I think that's thank you for the subtitles, maybe. Yeah, that's great.

One Spanish-speaking person couldn't figure out the plot, but thankfully with the subtitles, they got their head around what was happening. I'd love to have them on the podcast. 215,000 views and one comment is not great feedback. Yeah, admittedly. But who's leaving comments on porn sites, you know? All sorts of people.

Name one. That person. Yeah. Being grateful for the subs. Sims 108. Subs, no dubs. I want to know, Tim. There was a poet.

That was an interesting... Oh! Goddess of Poetry as well? I think she know, Tim. There was a poet. That was an interesting. Oh, goddess of poetry as well? I think she was. Maybe. Yeah, I think Abigail was also the goddess of poetry. And there was a professor of poetry in the film who originally was with Emmanuel's friend, but then Emmanuel starts having sex with him.

But this is at the same time that Emmanuel's got a relationship with a guy called, that's Steve, right? Yeah. The guy called Steve who's overseas, who I think is a fashion mogul. But then he comes back, and then Emmanuel thinks that she's found Abigail at like a nightclub, brings her home, and then Steve is home, and then Steve just has sex with her, and they barely have had a conversation.

It's very odd. It's not odd. There are no rules in these movies. Previously, if I cast your mind back to the days of Yonder, very odd it's not odd there are no rules in these movies previously and the in the if i you know cast your mind back to the days of yonder emmanuel was genuinely opening herself and those around her up to new sexual experiences and horizons she was helping introduce the idea of open-mindedness there was a voyeuristic streak which ran through it but everyone seemed to enjoy so i'm okay with that but now like what is emmanuel's purpose emmanuel isn't actually helping anyone she's confusing

everyone around her all she's doing is entitled she's entitled yeah she's really stuck in her own head about one thing and she just keeps drilling into people around her and fucking them to try and find it out like she's not helping anyone it's good actually it's good from you because that's something that is annoying in this one. Is that Emmanuel has lost. And it's this portrayal of Emmanuel. Maybe this is why I don't like this actress. She's lost her power.

Because in this she's just blindly pursuing this goal of finding Abigail. It's like an abstract, by the movie's terms, it's an abstract and poorly defined goal. She's chasing a ghost. Yeah. Kind of literally. How are we meant to be interested or horny if we're defined goal and chasing a ghost yeah kind of literally how are we meant to be interested or horny if we're watching a woman chase a ghost even if the ghost is sexy even if the ghost has got a penis down to his ankles there's also a flute player in this

which is kind of cool okay so if we're going to talk shining lights which we are because this is one of the few positives i took from the movie i love the flute player guy came around to give emmanuel a flute lesson. She's swimming in the pool. He's like, your front door was open. I came in. I hope you don't mind. She's naked.

He helps lift her out of the pool. They sit down to play flute. He puts his arm around her to help teach her how to play the flute, which is not what you do. She plays it. She's awful. She says, you play. He's also awful, but it turns her on.

They fuck. She films it. Bingo, bango, bongo. Later on, he comes back. Long hair, ponytail, funny little beard. You want to hear the definition of a toxic relationship? I enjoy you way more when you are angry and agitated. I find it so much more entertaining. It's crazy.

It's coming from so much deeper within me than I realize. It's not fun or funny, Tim. It's like a genuinely negative feeling you know it's like it's it's it is toxic because it is in anger with you as well oh fuck i genuinely think it's quite funny though well happy to fucking help brother yeah bro yeah that's what it's all about yeah the flautist um is in just one bit of the movie but then everyone comes back at the end just before the credits. Oh, no, fuck you.

Wish it was just before the end credits were on by you. I mean me. But it's very Wizard of Oz. Like, you were there and you were there and you're Abigail. They all are like, I am Abigail. I am Abigail. I am Spartacus. Abigail lives in all of us.

No, wait. I'm trying to think of a pun. Oh, Captain, my Captain. Penis, is this? Sparta penis. How do we fix this? Let's take the constituent parts of this movie, which is Emmanuel and the knowledge of a goddess called Abigail.

That makes her come like she's never come before. Okay. That's pretty much. Those are the two main ingredients. Yeah. So that's what we're making here. Wow. What's up?

In the background. Oh, God, I'm turning that off. On X video, on the top right corner, there's what appears to be a person with two giant penises that simply must be masturbated simultaneously. Oh, I thought you were looking at the other thing, which I don't even want to bring up on the pod. No, I wasn't looking at the other thing.

It was a cartoon. Yeah. It's no good. Anyway, sorry anyway sorry okay so constituent parts emmanuel a goddess named abigail who is like represents her as the goddess of human sexuality those are basically that's all you need okay we'll keep steven because he's a he's a love interest he's emmanuel's fixed love interest they're doing long distance uh-huh she's got a friend who's got to make a short film. That is actually a pretty spicy list of ingredients for what could be quite an erotic film. Maybe she makes a short, sexy film to send off to the partner who's abroad.

And then, you know, they get turned on. And then that guy, Steve, maybe he goes finds a guy or a woman to make a video with and send it back. And we have this sort of love letters going back and forth across the country. And maybe Abigail helps imbue these films with inspiration. Maybe Abigail, the goddess of, is it Abigail? Yeah, yeah, keep going. I'm fucking losing my mind.

Keep going, keep going. Yeah, maybe she's in it that way. And maybe then all four of them meet up in fucking, you know, by Lake Michigan and they go for a swim and they all fuck in the ocean and then they drown. yeah okay and uh it's all and it turns out that the beach they're on is a beach that makes you really old really fast everybody guy's just seen old by m night shamalan and uh he loved it i didn't love it that sucks because that's a movie you didn't have to watch i know but i do you know what I knew how I was going to feel about it going in

Have you seen the rest of M. Night's Canon No I only remember seeing I've never seen The Sixth Sense in its entirety It got spoiled for me on the playground And then I've seen Bits and Bobs when it's been on TV It's still kind of horrifying Went to Unbreakable at the cinema

Fantastic movie And then haven't really seen any of his other ones And then I was like well do you know what I wantbreakable at the cinema fantastic movie yes uh and then haven't really seen any of his other ones and then i was like well do you know what i want to go to the cinema i love going to the cinema he did split right yeah an elevator boy was that good i really liked james mcavoy so i was on board i watched an old james mcavoy movie the other day wanted with angelina jolie oh was it awesome? And Morgan Freeman. What the fuck? Are we thinking of the same guy? Yeah. Xavier?

I think he's been Professor X in X-Men. Am I thinking of the wrong guy? Patrick Stewart, I think of as Professor X. Yeah, he was as well, but young. And some of the other ones. I think we're thinking of the same guy. Yeah. Anyway, it was fine.

And the movie was like, there's a good movie trapped inside of the movie that M. Night made. That seems to be his career. Not all of them, but a lot of them. The Village, on the other hand, was awful. It was so stupid. Yeah.

The Village was a crazy thing to watch. In this one, there's no twist. So in this one, he gives you the twist up front. Oh, that's cool. That was his whole thing as he was twisting. In this one, it's like, hey, you know, it's in the marketing materials. The beach makes you old.

Yes. He knows that social media won't facilitate a classic M. Night Shyamalan format anymore. So we've got friends, sex tapes. Yeah, this is good. So you would take out the whole Abigail pursuit Yeah I'd take out the very boring bit Where Emmanuel keeps asking strangers who Abigail is

She just seems dumb Which is challenging Because it's like you want to be following A smart powerful person If you're sexually fawning over them If we're sort of pining for this character on the screen, we want them to be fully realized, an agent of their own destiny. But instead we've got this woman who can't really act

with an Eastern European accent, which this is definitely my own baggage and hang-ups, but considering the context of when these films were made and where they are set, it just reads to me like it's this woman who's kind of trapped in America and she's stupid and she's like unable to sort of figure her way out and throw it. Everything in this franchise is currently so unclear.

It's just like it's impossible to watch it without getting frustrated. And the fact that these are American movies, like, I mean, I've got the same baggage as you now, and it's definitely, it's not fair to the actor who's playing Emmanuelle, but it's just like it adds to the lack of clarity, that there's no explanation for, and not that there needs to be,

for where she's from or why she's from there, but it just, it's like, I don't know now i feel like i'm gonna um cancel myself settle down mate you're all right i'm not all right calm your boot call your boots calm it's not even a fucking saying calm your horses uh what's what really has got me miffed as well as i thought we'd gotten away from her because there was um as i say there's generally this thing where they make emmanuels and blocks of six or seven and i think they'd done the whole run of private collection because i thought they all came out in 04 and i thought there were six or seven of those but natasha's still with us are we going to get another emmanuel before the end of our journey? 15 years is a long time, which is how long ago this film was made.

Yeah. We will get another Emmanuel. I don't know if they're still making these. Snake or Banana 1, 2, 3. Snake. Oh, you didn't say anything. What a stitch up. No, it's a game that we do to each other.

We don't answer it simultaneously. Oh, I see. Cam Corder of binoculars? One, two, three. Binoculars. Yeah, nice. Abigail is a vision that comes to Emmanuel in a camcorder, but also in binoculars.

Why I'm so cross is we need guests. We need more people in the mix. No, listen. I can't do this. I can't do this. This is a reje. Tim, I can't do this. Let me share this with you.

I don't want you to. Okay. In my list that I made a while ago of all the Emanuels, so we've got 2006 is when a bunch of these private collections came out, and then it stops for a while. And then it picks back up in 2011. There's one called Emmanuel Through Time. Oh, that's the series.

Okay, we've got time travel to look forward to, baby. I'm going to see if we've still got Natasha. This movie franchise peaked in space. It did. They were fun. They were funny. The acting was good. The plots were clear. We were having a laugh. We were. They were fun. They were funny. The acting was good. The plots were clear.

We were having a laugh. We were having a lark. We were we didn't get boners but we had twitchy cocks. We've got another Emmanuel coming. Ali Hayes. Ali Hayes. Whoa, she's our age.

Born in 1987 on May the 10th, which I believe makes her a cancer, unless I'm mistaken. I don't know about watching. Okay, she's on Twitter. Switching to the app. I don't...

You didn't even ask me what my shining light was. I don't want to know. It probably would have been the flute as well, to be honest. There was a shot from the festival. They kept intercutting the big night festival, and there was a green dragon, and there was a person in its mouth. Oh, yeah. That was so cool.

That was fucking great, man. It was pretty cool. It was really cool. It made us want to go traveling again. We were pining for traveling. Ellie Hayes. Oh oh i spelled your name wrong i feel like i've calmed down that's good i mean i don't think the movie did this to you i think i did to an extent you worked together which i'm into i can't tell which one's here Anyway I'm just excited that we've got

Someone else to look forward to Speaking of other people to look forward to Yes Hello Boner Inspector I thought I'd upset you or something From last time Yeah we actually are on a bit of a

Moratorium so I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Sorry. But you let me in. I'll see you next week. You let me in. To let you know that we're just going to take a breather for a bit. Could have been an email.

Guy and I have made our decision. Sorry you came all this way. My head, man. See you, man. Guy, do you really want this? Listen, this is a decision we've both made, so I'll see you next time. I am sorry, but Tim's made us mind up,

and it's sad because we need you now more than ever. Bye, boner inspector. Don't let the door hit you on your way out. Oh, fuck. So, soundtrack for this movie, Guy. Wasn't the best. Wasn't the worst. But it did have a bit at the end when we were rounding the corner to the very last bit.

We got into this cool kind of, it was like the bass section of an electric piano, and I thought that was pretty cool. Might have been in my shining light, actually. Funky little tune. Reminded me of Gran Turismo menu music. The car racing game. Yeah. You like that game?

PlayStation's most realistic racing simulator. No, I never really fucked with Gran Turismo in a good way. I hate Gran Turismo 2, but I found it like, you know, games should take real life and they make it more fun. But if it's just a naked pursuit of emulating real life as much as you can, I don't think that's great. Rufus is going nuts out there. That's okay.

I left three live rats out there. Did you? Yeah. Well, he's a ratter because he's a terrier. So he'll have... Really? He'll fuck them up.

What do terriers used to do? They'd kill rats. Should I let Rufus in? Nah. He's out there. I can hear him through the window. He's outside. He's having a great time.

What about down there? Oh, fuck. No, I think we're hearing him through there. It doesn't matter, mate. He's fine. He's having a great time. What about him down there? Oh, fuck. No, I think we're hearing him through there. It doesn't matter, mate. He's fine. He's a dog. Dog's going to do it. I think a lot of video games now,

aren't they all about simulating real life? Aren't people building alternative lives to their reality on video games and sort of enjoying themselves in there now? But you want something dialed up. You want it a bit cartoony because that's what makes it fun. Is it Animal Crossing? Well, yeah. I mean, that's taking it to quite an extreme.

It's more like this guy is what I would say. And maybe I'm alone in this because Gran Turismo is a very is? What? A very successful game franchise. People love cars. People love cars and people do like real life simulators. Microsoft Flight Simulator. Do you know who loves cars the most?

Who? The people in the Fast and the Furious franchise Yeah, you're totally right about that So it would be like Gran Turismo versus What the fuck are they called? What are those racing games called? Mario Kart

Nah, well Yeah, but no They're kind of realistic but you can skid real good and... Fuck you, dude. Sega Megarelli? Jesus Christ. Just syllables.

Just syllables at this point. Those are all words. Sega is a word. Sega... Okay, well, if we're going real old school, yeah, like Daytona. Yeah. You know, like it's bigger. It's accentuated.

Certain things are accentuated. Cross at me because you can't remember something. That is what's happening. Yeah. Should we swear at each other? What the fuck were those games called? Should we swear at each other? What?

You can swear at me. Go for it. Fuck you. All right. Okay. You want to swear at me? Nope. No, I don't.

You don't want to swear at me? Okay. Wipeout, I guess, is an example. I love Wipeout. It's a snowboarding game. No, no, no. The anti-gravity racer because it had weapons. That was cool.

What the fuck's going on with these dogs? Man. Okay, dude. Where does this movie rank in all of the movies that we've seen, all the Emanuels? Near the bottom. Probably not at the bottom. I'd have to go back to find out what i hate more but um it's difficult in the moment like tomorrow i might have a different judgment but in the moment it's difficult to judge it independent

of the way it's made me feel i mean you can watch a movie and it can be a challenging watch but you can still objectively know it's a good movie. You could say, yeah, it's a good movie. It was a tough watch, but it's a good movie. American History X. I've never seen it, actually, but that's what I hear. That was a bad watch and or because it's a bad movie. I was in a pretty good mood when I came over here.

I brought us an almond croissant to share. It was real good. I'd had a lovely coffee. I'd read some of my book. I'd listened to a podcast. I'd done some work this morning. I was having a really nice day. I was in a position.

What book are you reading? I'm actually, it's kind of embarrassing. Well, it's not embarrassing, but I'm reading a book by Stephen King called Stephen King on Writing. Oh, cool. The first third of it is sort of like a memoir where he just talks about his experiences

and how he built his relationship to writing, and then he starts talking about his tools, the tools that you as a writer will develop. That rocks. Yeah. The memoir part was especially interesting. I haven't actually read any of his books. Zoe was an avid Stephen King reader

Really? As a teen, yeah What a legend What were you reading as a teen? Online articles about how to construct bombs Seriously? Out of fireworks I don't know

Books wise Don't know Don't know actually I don't think I was into books I don't think I was a big reader Of books Now? Nah I'm reading something called Different Minds Actually, I don't think I was into books. I don't think I was a big reader of books. Now? Nah.

I'm reading something called Different Minds, I think that's what it's called at the moment. And? It's fucking cool, man. Well, can you tell me about our minds? I can tell you that octopuses are wild creatures. Yeah. And have like independently evolved intelligence

that is in some ways similar to ours, but we're a bit confused by it because it happened completely independently of our yeah branch of evolution yeah and no other creatures sort of exhibited the same type of there's a big thing about that in the uh culinary world yeah would you eat an octopus now uh i don't think i would? Would you prior to reading the book? Yeah. Yeah. They're too smart. Would you eat a banana after seeing this Emmanuel?

Only after I'd... Forgotten about it? No. After you fucked it? Fondled it, yeah. Oh, okay. Yuck. I'd love to... I mean, I just don't know why they're using banana as a sexy food.

It's too soft. A banana has been a standard using banana as a sexy food. It's too soft. A banana has been a standard bearer of a penis food. As a gag. That's gag work. The gag came from somewhere. Because if you put it down your trousers, you can make it look like a penis. It's a gag.

I don't think it's pure gag. It's a gag. A banana is too soft to fuck. End of sentence. I don't think anyone... It's like the snake, right? They keep coming back to the iconography of the snake. I said, do you think snakes are sexy? And you said, yes.

Yeah. For the same reason. It's not like literal. I don't think people are fucking the snake. No one's fucking a banana in real. Well, someone is. But the majority of the evocative, erotic feeling of it is just an association to male genitals. It's like, oh, a snake, a penis.

I get it. Oh, a banana, a penis. I get it. It's there. I've no issue with this. The snakes roll in the Bible, in the Christian Bible. It's like this evil fucking thing. It's like, yo, I'm evil and I live in a tree.

I've got no problem with the snake. Put a snake in me, I could give two hoots. But unless you're putting a banana in me to eat, I don't want to know about it. Do you remember that news story that took New Zealand by

storm? Maybe close to 10 years ago now, when a guy put an eel up his ass yeah and then the hospital for some reason like leaked that information to the media yeah because it's fucking awesome by the way i do realize now as i talk that on this podcast in the first season i talked about a game called suck my banana about we would we would fillate bananas and i just want to say that was more you did it you did it in one episode and you went so far back that a bit of blood was on the banana when it came back yeah yep i'm not i think this is actually you tapping into your own kind of i'm not proud of that

neuroses but i just want to say that that game is it's it's sort of it's sexual research but it's not a sexual game. The banana is not sexy. It's a stand-in. Bananas aren't sexy. They're not for sex. That's for the listener to decide. I, if anyone finds bananas sexy, fucking let me know about it.

A banana is not a sexy food. What is? What's hot? What's hot right now? What food is hot right now what gets you hot and bothered i'm thinking mangoes yeah maybe i'm maybe i'm kinky maybe i'm yucking everyone's banana yum maybe i'm just not into food play i mean a cucumber's phallic in a sort of meaningful and firm way yeah you could you you could go to You could go to town on a not peeled banana,

just a banana without the peel off. With the peel on. With the peel off. Without the peel off. Even then, it's not. You're right, a cucumber is probably a bit easier. But we're not going for like, stop thinking so literally. What's just like, what's a sexy kind of a,

I don't know why a mango is sexy. I don't know like in what way you would want to use it for a sex act, if at all. I just know that it's sexy. It's mango, baby. You know, it's got a whole vibe to it. It's summery. It's at the beach.

It's got a bikini on. It's fucking mango, man. I mean, maybe chopped up kiwi fruit mean, maybe a chopped up kiwi fruit. Chopped up kiwi fruit? What do you mean chopped up? I don't want a whole kiwi fruit with the skin on. Okay. I want it in slices like you put on top of a pavlova.

Oh, okay. Sliced kiwi. Yeah. That's what's getting you going. Well, it's kind of sexy. I feel like it's fruit. I feel like a lot of fruit is the sexiest thing. Okay.

So I see why people are reaching for a banana from the fruit hamper, but put it back. Pick up a kiwi. What about cherries? Everyone goes wild for cherries. Cherries are sexy but dangerous. The pip is dangerous. Yeah, that's true.

You could choke on a cherry. Many have. Okay. Sexiest meat? Sexiest meat meat Probably a fish Real curveball there Top 10 sexy fruits I wasn't expecting fish

Strawberries, blueberries, kiwi Mango Raspberries I've gone for 10 which is too many watermelon you could put some orange segments in there that'd be okay too sticky

oranges aren't sexy love an orange, not sexy really? keep going you've forgotten the key one I've forgotten the key one I've forgotten the key one Yeah, yeah See if you can do number nine

And I'll tell you what ten is Honestly You'll be like, of course Apple Yep, and What's number ten? Banana Fuck off

Fuck, I believed in you He's done, folks Guy's fucking Mack and rowing this podcast right now. Just threw his hat down with such force. Chill out, man. It's going to be fine. We're almost done. Oh, someone's at the door.

Hello? I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Oh, you're at the perfect time, George Lazenby, because Guy wants to tell you all about his problems, and I know that you are the world's greatest listener. George, I'm in too deep. You were the honey trap that got me into this situation, and now I'm about fucking, you know,

10 iterations of Emmanuel down the line, and I am genuinely borderline catatonic with rage. Oh, dear. I told them they shouldn't get rid of me. Watching me reminisce about my sex and sexuality on a plane is the closest this franchise got to perfection. Do you have any ideas for where you might like it to go? I've got a pitch.

Tim's got a pitch. Yeah. So, George George you know how The films in this franchise have Often had a scene or two You know Few shots Few moments of food play

Yes All food play The whole thing 90 minutes What kind of foods? Raspberries Yeah Apples

Sliced kiwi Or fruit Yeah No one's gonna fuck a fish It wasn't on the menu I actually had some thoughts on fish being the sexiest meat Yeah I don't know where it came from I'm in a bad place

I'm not against it The thing is with fish is that it only needs to heat up a little bit and it'll make you real crook. Okay. I'm going to take what you said and I'm going to run with it. Yeah. Degustation porn. Seven courses.

Okay. All very small. Right. Okay. Different kinds of things? Yes. What is the first step of a degustation meal? Usually a chopped up banana.

Oh, God. Core blimey. What are you going to do with the chopped up banana, George? I'm going to put it in my urethra. Jesus. Fuck. What's next, George? What's the next course?

Whole banana. What are you doing with that whole banana? Wait, hold on. Peeled or unpeeled? Unpeeled. And where's that going? What's happening to it? Down my urethra to push the chopped up banana further into my body.

Roger that. What is the third course of the digger station menu? Mashed banana. Oh, no. What the digger station menu mashed banana oh no what's going on with the mesh banana george down the urethra number four four generally in a digger station menu i think would kind of be your main right grilled banana a grilled banana so it's sort of caramelized on top yeah and what's happening well it's scalding hot for a start you've got to know that okay it's really hot and it's going down my urethra very cool and then um what course are we up to five frozen banana ah cool down the burns yeah okay

let me go out on a limb here urethra Oh yeah And around the urethra In and around the urethra Now, I've only, I think, had like one proper degustation menu meal Like ever, really I'm trying to think back to Oh no, there was actually 10 courses in that one Wow Where'd you go for that?

It was in Japan Oh my god It was a Michelin star Seafood restaurant Oh my gosh I cannot describe to you How ill I felt I got to about Too full

Yes Of like the richest Uncooked seafood I got to Is it banana? No banana was present George I'm so sorry What'd you do with the seafood?

I ate it man I ate it Up your No I ate it Through my mouth I masticated it And I ate it. Up your... No, I ate it through my mouth. I masticated it and I swallowed.

That's all. Your face mouth. Yes, George. Normal mouth. Because you know they call the urethra the mouth of the penis. No, that's what you call it. It's a you thing. Filthy Australian. Fucking dog.

I'm trying to help out here. Yeah, you are. And you're doing a great job i shouldn't be so dismissive um so around five i think we're up to oh wait no six five six six i think yeah six is generally so this is like the main dessert from memory this is about when this comes banana smoothie a banana smoothie is going to go down my penis my penis mouth and then so

fuck me seven this is like traditionally in a degustation menu I think it's very light unripe

firm full banana up the anus pushing all of the other banana back out of my penis mouth. Thanks for joining us on the worst idea of all time. Honestly, a pleasure. I was talking to whoever may still be tuned in, if anyone at all.

Usually this would be a part of the show right at the end where we solicit for your financial support. I cannot in good conscience even reference where you would do that after what has just transpired i'd like to take this opportunity to apologize on behalf of both myself guy montgomery and i guess don't apologize for me the ethereal form of george lazenby thank god we didn't entertain stop listening the boner inspector for too long because who knows how that would have gone as well he seemed pretty upset we'll catch you on the next episode

goodbye Thank you.