The Worst Idea Of All Time - 39: ShadowPlay

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Tim, a famous porn enthusiast has seen his porn consumption take a tremendous dip since watching porn for a living, and frankly it is sad. This time the fellaz are getting down and dirty with a Twilight parody (with a lil True Blood thrown in) featuring two hot, brotherly vampires who are so sexy you just can't help but have sex with them. Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle and The Sexy Bite has more blimp, meta media narratives and more LED-lit sexy generators. The boiz also discuss the merits of having sex with your own shadow - a concept so sexually potent, it draws in one-time James Bond actor George Lazenby who starts adding a lot to the pitch.SUPPORT US ON PATREON (patreon.com/TWIOAT)JOIN US ON FACEBOOK: (facebook.com/WorstIdeaOfAllTime)VISIT THE LITTLE EMPIRE PODCAST NETWORK: (littleempirepodcasts.com)MUSIC CREDIT: Tender Moonlight (facebook.com/TenderMoonlight)ART CREDIT: Tomas Cottle (sick-days.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

🎵 Hi Guy! Hello Guy Well hello Tim A man with whom I work and play When the letter of the law allows And we watch porn together don't we Guy? Because the podcast insists that we must. Yes. Ideally, we watch porn thigh to thigh.

But as current circumstance dictates today, we have watched porn apart. But it's actually been one or two hot seconds since you and I sat down and perused the human form. Perused the human form. Jesus. Thigh to thigh. Your turn of phrase at the intro of this particular episode is it's evocative. I'll give you that. But it's also disgusting.

Oh, come on now. Come on now. Come on now. Come on me now. Set me down the wrong path. We're so close to finishing this season, man, and I'm so happy about it. There's only a few Emanuels left. Could not be more excited, Tim.

I, for one, am looking forward to watching some pornography on my own time. Yeah, it's an important lesson in life, I think, to not make your passions work. Sometimes it's good, but you shouldn't do it for everything. There should be some things that you do purely for your own enjoyment. Do you think that this season is, for a man such as you, who's obviously a huge, I believe the term phrase is, pornholic, do you think that this season is, for a man such as you, who's obviously a huge, I believe the term phrase is,

pornaholic, do you think that mixing business and pleasure, as we have this year, has impacted your ability to watch porn in your leisure time? Guy, I am famously a little pig for pornography. I love it. I just like getting involved swimming in it. Can't get enough of this stuff. I just like getting involved swimming in it.

Can't get enough of this stuff. And this season has damaged some of those core tenets of my personality by introducing a, what are they called? Perverse incentives for watching adult cinema. And I don't like what it's done. So I'm glad to see the backside of it. Speaking of backsides, there was a few in this movie. Unsurprisingly, there were.

This is chronologically in the Emmanuel through time series. This is the second. The third one we've watched. Really balled up the order on this one. I wouldn't have it any other way. And I'm going to assume it's a pornographic Twilight parody. You don't have to assume anything, Guy,

because there's literally a line of dialogue in this film which says, Eddie and Jacob, what is this? A live version of twilight and a little bit of true blood oh wow you missed it you just saw it dude well yeah but yeah i mean you're right it's ridiculous really as soon as i keep calling that hot guy jacob which they which we'd seen in the last one because we watched the final emmanuel through time movie and they had some uh cut down clips it, but it's nice to see. It's actually nice to see those sex scenes really stretch their legs and, you know, be

given the opportunity to, to give us the opportunity to masturbate. It's good to get the context is how I would put it. It's good to see the lead up, the introduction of us in this vampire world of skin and sin. Just made that up there. No one said that in the movie. I'm just throwing some slogans out there. But basically what's happened is

we're in Emmanuel's airship and it makes sense that this would be the second one in Emmanuel through time because they do give us a little bit more exposition for this sub-series of Emmanuel in that, well, correct me if I'm wrong, Guy, because it is kind of confusing. I'm not sure if I've fully got my hands around it, but Emmanuel has a blimp of all her own. It is the Emmanuel.tv broadcast blimp. She is in there with some friends who assist her in the broadcasting endeavors and at the blimp is is it's been taken over by the military because they've got a secret

operation involving a machine which harnesses an energy field because it requires a lot of energy to pull this particular mission off which is you're going to travel through wormholes and they're going to do it from the power of fuck it's yeah basically and we'd sort of touched on this before but yeah there's a some sort of um i don't know what they call it but there's like an energy transmitter there's some huge core generator yeah generate and i i can't stop thinking about that, because there are a few scenes where people had to masturbate or have sex around the generator. And one in particular where Emmanuelle has to do it because there's some weird alchemy in the way that her sexual energy sort of leaps from her body that means she's ultra powerful. She's super watching watching this actor um pretend to masturbate

next to this sort of big phony generator i just couldn't help but imagine stepping on set the very first day and wondering whether or not their response was like oh wow that generator looks amazing this looks so much like you know your traditional blimp generator. Or if they stepped into the room and they were like, oh, huh. Okay, yeah, I guess we'll make this work. Because, like, the... I think it looks pretty cool. Yeah.

They've got a bunch of kind of glow sticks, basically, a bunch of RGB glow sticks that can change colour and light up. And that's sort of the extent. They've put it in a big cylindrical pattern and they're like, yep, that'll do. And you know what? It does do. It does do for me.

The thing of it is that a blimp is quite an extravagant place for a movie to be set. And then like, we've touched on it before, but just seeing it in an earlier, chronologically in an earlier installment of the Emmanuel Through Time franchise, it's like, it's very very clearly there's clear warehouse rooms like later on in the film we see there's a woman another woman who's possessed by a vampire uh lies she's like overcome with no there's a vampire has

this is much later in the movie and you'll have to excuse me jumping all over the place for the chronology spoiler alert coming up everybody a vampire stows away inside of a woman's vagina and um sneaks onto the blimp and then uh like he breaks out of her vagina by sort of compelling her to lie down on this concrete floor in this warehouse but just standing in for the generator room in the blimp and masturbating and then in a plume of smoke he exits through her vagina and says, I can get cramped it's a nice place to travel but it can get cramped in there

there's something real fucked up about a fully grown six foot man appearing out of that smoke, it's just like, oh man this is gross there's obviously so many avenues of conversation we could go down just from that sort of throwaway description of a moment in the film alone but what

i'm zeroing in on is the concrete floor that she lies down onto master i'm like we are in a warehouse yes and then all of the other sets like i'd say four out of five sets are reappropriated rooms in the warehouse and then one in five is um really intense green screen yeah the other the other room in the warehouse that i loved as a standard was they had this great sort of stock footage of a an old steam train you know we're meant to be in like 19th century romania and we're in a flashback and i was like wow that train looks so good i'm really transported and the next thing is like them sitting next to two bits of plywood on either end of the shot which are meant to look like a train cabin and it kind of works that the plywood is wiggling back and forth because

a train is in motion and so everything is slightly in motion inside of a carriage but also i was like that looks so shit mate they did. I think they did really well. It reminded me of like a child science fair project that they've left till the night before and they've worked it up. And considering those limitations, they've done a great job. Yes.

There is a scene underscored by Debussy's Claire de Lune, which comes out of nowhere and is such a like high production value at market bit of music that you're like, what the fuck are you doing here? It really makes you sit up and pay attention to the movie. It really highlights the power of a decent score. I will forever think of the final scene in Ocean's Eleven when I hear that.

Same, man. And I just watched that again recently during lockdown with zoe it's a that's a fun movie it really is it's i think that's a movie that's good to watch about once every four years just have another little trip around the block i couldn't agree more but yeah i mean when that started playing i thought maybe someone in my house was playing it outside of the it's so incongruent with the rest of the movie the masturbatorium where i've holed up um but yeah it was in the movie and they'd like talk about it and he's like she's he's like i wrote this a while ago and she's like what and he's like yeah

she's like okay claude and he's like claude was a friend of mine i wrote it i let him take the credit and i was like fuck why not you know yeah yeah have some fun with it eh and also draw attention to it as well like you're using it don't just let it pass everyone by point to the fucking thing that's happening run a highlighter over that classical piece that you've got in the porno guys it's a piece of music because generally when you hear those classical pieces in projects like this it's because the music's gone out of copyright because generally when you hear those classical pieces in projects like this it's because the music's gone out of copyright but um that piece isn't as old as it's not like beethoven level because it was around in the turn of the 19th century i think maybe it's out of the

100 years maybe that's what copyright is for music is that the rule for all music something fucked up like that i think it used to be way shorter and then disney changed it like all copyright used to expire something like 25 years after the or maybe maybe it was like upon the death of the sort of author of the piece whatever it was yeah then the disney corporation were like nah we could probably make more money if we completely rewrite that law and make it a century after their death. And what do you think about this rewriting of the law? We all live in the mouse's house, Guy. So it's irrelevant what I think.

Well, I'm not asking you to change the law, but I'm like, do you think that all music should be released from copyright and just free reign? you think that all music should be released from copyright and just free reign the uh the i guess um aspirational filmmaker in me wishes that was true because as we saw in this movie good music can lift any horse shit that you produce with a camera absolutely but by rights should you not also be able to protect your music from well precisely i just wish there was kind of an easier way to um just you know do it in a reasonable way there's like if it's a if it's a big booty bit of music something that's semi-popular you can pay you know like six figures and then the artist they do not get very much of that the whole thing seems very strange and arcane and bad it's a flawed rule and a

flawed system I tend to think with those sorts of things when they're so complicated I'm like I guess it exists like this for a reason everyone's always like this is fucking stupid why is it like this I'm like I don't know I assume there's probably some

validity to it some reason for it 120 years ago or whatever they had to come up with a rule for it but you know when we make decisions for our lives now we don't think about the repercussions of them and obviously our lives are of such small influence

holistically speaking but like when you make a decision now you don't expect people to abide the thinking of that decision 120 years from now. That would be insane. Yeah, that's true. I don't know really why you're putting us in the same bucket as Claude Debussy.

Claude Debussy didn't make the rule. I'm just saying this. Well, I'm just thinking in terms of like, you know, you're saying, oh, I guess the rule makes sense. And I mean, I guess it does. I haven't really given it any thought until this conversation now. It's annoying though, because it stops us from doing cool things like using Ario Speedwagon's Live Every Moment

as a podcast theme legitimately. We'll do it illegitimately, but we're not supposed to. No, but we're tiny little potatoes in the world of REO Speedwagon. We are but grains of sand on an ocean of REO Speedwagon. That's right. Yeah, that was a nice little divergence from talking porn. Talking turkey. What else happens?

So back to your kind of scene discussion can i just bring this up please this movie this fucking movie i don't know if you would consider this like meta or just bad but there's towards the end of the film it's like they kind of stop caring and suddenly you just start seeing light stands and undocked green screens and microphones around just in shot was that and it's hard because the opening of this movie is uh two of the characters who are on the blimp doing a direct to camera piece which is kind of like a infomercial style thing i forget what they're talking about now emmanuel they're talking about um i don't know it's like one of my favorite things is the uh the through line and like the presence of emmanuel.tv and like what is the confusing thing

what are the rules of the website it's very hard to figure out because it's kind of like they do seem to acknowledge that they're making like a media product, television movies on the blimp and broadcasting that out. In which case, me seeing the lighting stands and the green screens is like, okay, so I guess this wasn't just a mistake or running out of budget. I guess like this is allowed. Yeah.

But it's kind of a neat way to just stop caring about what you're shooting it's great i mean it's great and it's you know it's the beauty of putting it in the first scene it's like by the way for all you train spotters out there you aren't finding continuity errors you're just finding out that this is set on a set you're finding movie there's so many ideas in this film that are competing with one another so we've got like wormholes time travel a discussion of um quantum mechanics at the start a la schrodinger's cat we've got a witch that can mind meld and body swap with emmanuel she's described first as an empath no oh i missed that i missed that like she's described first as an empath. No? Oh, I missed that.

I missed that line. They're like, she's an empath. This fucking franchise loves talking about empaths. Yeah, as though they're this alien concept. Yeah, she's an empath. She's got a real sensitivity for feeling how other people are feeling. What a freak. And that's her weaponized superpower that means she can mind swap and body swap and stuff, which she does to great effect.

To get back to my list, we've got vampires. We've got a cool bespoke country folk rock song that plays throughout the film, which you see the duo performing that. We've got television production taking place on a blimp we've got a single vfx shot of a witch around a fire which juts up from the rest of the movie so much it's it's on par with hearing claire de lune in in the middle of a train scene because the visual effect shot is really good and scary yeah it's just to make sure you're still paying attention. It was fucked up.

It was on screen for like five seconds. I kind of lost my places to exactly how it tied in there. But it was genuinely terrifying. They did a great job on that. Not everything needs to tie in. They just need to show you what they can do. We've got Eddie and Jacob. They are our core male

protagonists. Anti-heroes if you will in this film and their brothers and their vampires and they love to fuck. Yeah. These vampires are so sexy. Are you team Eddie or team Jacob? I was team Emmanuel man. I don't want either

of those guys to have their wicked way with the world but they're so sexy that literally when they walk into a room um it makes it makes all the ladies knees knock it makes female soldiers come in their pants and they look they this was a real like this movie is um directed by a man moment for me because they orgasm in a very sort of male way. They put their hands over their crotch like they're getting a boner and sort of whimper over to the corner of the room. I love it. There's a real shame to the male orgasm.

You must whimper. You must cover yourself and you must hide yourself away. Exactly. And we should celebrate and you must hide yourself away. Exactly. And we should celebrate that shame in a porno. Well, it's just nice to see a bit of representation on screen. Isn't it though? Yet more woman playing soldiers pretending to have a man's orgasm. What are the vampires trying to do?

Are they trying to turn everyone to vampires? Traditionally, vampire lore is that they just want yeah vampires want everyone to be vampires although um eddie kind of heads eddie's the one who gets muddled up with emmanuel right uh ah fuck i did have it before and i've lost like no jacob's like the main one isn't he no eddie's the main one jacob's kind of the side piece so jacob jacob's guy with the long hair who's a bit of a ropey actor yeah and he's kind of not as evil yeah he's got his main thing is like a woman who looks a lot like emmanuel made him a vampire 120 years ago looks a lot like emmanuel it was emmanuel they put her in a red dress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in the world of the show, it wasn't actually Emmanuel. It was like some other person who just looked like her. Sure. Because he keeps being like, I need, you know, she uses it. She's like, I feel like you've got to find this woman who made you a vampire because you guys have got some unresolved shit to deal with. And he's like, yeah. Oh, now the ending makes sense i forgot did you watch right till the credits oh no i've meditated

this before we started recording i got like so close to the end like three minutes from the end or four minutes from the end the redheaded empath was doing something and then my link went dead and i i didn't see the last like two or three minutes of the movie what is that fucking main guy montgomery the link went dead it's the internet it means what i fucking said it was three o'clock on the dot i didn't want to be late to our record i know you're a busy man you got a lot on and you sent me a message saying I'll be five minutes late first off. And I was. And you still haven't seen the last three minutes of the film. Some of us are saving it.

I'm not ready for this movie to not be in my life anymore. Right. Well, in the lead up to the credits, in fact, I think this is one of those during the credit scenes. Go ahead. They kind of have like a comedic moment where the Emmanuel-looking character comes back and announces that she's pregnant with Eddie's child, and she's been pregnant for 100 years.

Oh, wow. Yeah, and he's not very happy that it's his kid. Oh, really? They kind of play it for laughs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so, yeah because men men hate responsibility men hate kids men hate having kids men hate finding out that a woman they had a one night stand with 120 years ago is still pregnant with their progeny if you hate finding out that

you got a woman pregnant 120 years ago you might just be a vampire yeah although you know at the risk of casting myself as some sort of meninist i think you are in a position to ask questions if a woman you had sex with 120 years ago shows up and says hey i'm pregnant and the baby's yours i think by rights you can you can poke around and ask a few questions and say, now are we sure? Question number one, how old am I? And how did I get to be this old? How did I achieve this? This is not my beautiful house.

You are not my beautiful wife. Man, I've said all I want to say about this movie except for one important, crucial part, Guy. It's so crucial that we get into this. In fact, it was so important when it happened in the movie, you messaged me about it. Oh. A witch gets fingered by a shadow. Yeah. Now, obviously, those of us who live on this ordinary mortal realm have not presumably i can't speak

for you tim had the experience of being jerked off sucked or fucked by a shadow but it looked kind of fun it did she was having a great time really enjoying herself and i think um isn't there a like a kid's book about a shadow like coming disconnected from a yeah yeah someone loses their shadow yeah imagine if you could um ditch your shadow so you could it could have sex with you this is harking back to our conversation in the last episode about having sex with yourself. If you've got resistance to fucking yourself, how do you feel about fucking your shadow?

How about your shadow, man? Tim, you've got a big hang-up about having sex with yourself and a different sort of disembodied, but it is your body, but it's another body form. What about your shadow, man? It's got so little detail. It's just a hot outline. Yeah.

I say yes. Do you find shadows scary or sexy? Sexy. Do you not think about shadows? Really hot. You do? Really hot. Always have.

What's your favorite kind of shadow? The shadow Of A Woman Yeah nice like a silhouette What? Boys have shadows but women have silhouettes

Yeah yeah It's like if it's a boy it's a dog And if it's a girl it's a cat I like when you're watching a sports game At dusk, and then suddenly all of a sudden the light will be hitting the players. It's either natural light or the lights, but they'll have four shadows. No, that's natural light, Guy.

That's when the three other suns appear in the sky over Earth and cast their unique shadows as well. That's right, yeah, when those other stars get real close to it. I like it when there's four shadows. And I'd love to see that sex scene. I'd love to see four shadows just gangbanging a dude. Whenever I see that on, because I'm not a big sports fan, you bloody love a bit of footy.

You love watching the football. And whenever I see shots of soccer fields where it does have those incredible, because the shadows as well are so crisp and precise because all the floodlights are at these very exact angles This is the thing, the technical setup of sports is actually right up your alley Oh fuck yeah man, I can

appreciate it for sure, but it always looks like a game to me, it always looks like FIFA and by FIFA I mean like the FIFA video games. Oh, like it renders the actual event. Yeah. I'm like, well, this is clearly fucking CGI'd. Because the shadows are like too perfect.

They're too geometrically spot on. Just because of where the floodlights are. It wigs me out. Imagine getting gang banged by four geometrically perfect versions of yourself. Four perfect shadow versions of yourself. Fuck yeah, dude. That's a good time. That's how you get through lockdown.

Yeah. You go out into the middle of an abandoned sports field that has all of its blood lights on. It's called Nvidia Shadowplay, and everyone needs to get involved. It actually sounds like the sort of thing that would appeal to... Oh, perfect timing

come in boys boys boys george how the fuck are you never better tim my man how are you i'm doing pretty well hey you've got a real spring in your step man you've been down in the dumps the last couple of times I've caught you, but you seem chipper and I'm so happy about it. I just heard you fellas talking about shadow play and I couldn't but help enter the room, so to speak. Wow. Wrap your filthy, decrepit mind around this, James Bond.

A porno where in this world you get to have sex with your shadow. A porno starring one person in their shadow? Not just their shadow, but their shadows because this person

is a professional soccer player. Oh, can I make suggestions? Please. What if there were two teams and the opposing captains, they sort of despised each other, but beneath the hatred,

there was an underlying sort of respect. And the thing that they were most afraid of and detested was the fact that they saw a lot of themselves in one another i like it and i like it a lot there's a big game and it's um well there's there's a lot of tension brewing both uh sporting and sexual and the night before the big game the two players they they show up to the stadium to to have a conversation about what's going to happen and the lights are on and they meet in the middle of the field and they're both surrounded by four of their own shadows and the the shadows disassociate from the physical body

and all all the shadows pair off and sort of start wrestling each other. And the two sports captains just watch as their shadows wrestle. But at some point, the wrestling goes from about physical dominance to being more about sort of sexual enjoyment. Hell yeah, brother. Yeah, and the captains are like, whoa, all right, shadows. Fucking each other's shadows and the shadows all look over their shoulders and they say yeah we fucking are it's it sounds like a metaphor for something but is it actually or is it just some it's mostly just shadows fucking

yeah i think that here's what i love about it ge George, so much, is that in my mind's eye, I can see this being shot really like beautifully artistically because there's so much interesting creative work you could do with shooting the shadows that are fucking each other. Like that could be a really cool. Have you ever been to those puppet shows where they do like the silhouettes behind the curtain? Yeah, I love those.

I mean, we could have a lot of fun with this. A lot of fun. We're going to need some expert lighting people. I want the movie to end with the shadows fucking the people. You want the movie to end with the shadows fucking the people. Well, I do too. And I want some of the shadows to swap. So at the end of the movie, the captains have swapped shadows,

so they're walking around with each other's shadows. Oh, wow. That's such an interesting little visual thing to have in the movie, like a skinny soccer player that's being trailed by a big fat shadow. A different body type. Yeah, yeah. But I think one of them should be really fat and one of them should be really thin. And it will make

the sort of interplay all the more interesting and obvious. It's your idea, man. I'm just pitching. It really feels like it's your idea, to be honest, George. You've contributed so much to this part. It's a pretty specific thing I want to see. It is. And here for it because as we all know when you let down your guard when you go inside of yourself and you really hone down onto the specifics of what you want to see that is the only way to truly achieve broad appeal A universalism of humanity, sexuality and shadow play

We shall name the movie Shadow Play 1 Because there's going to be a lot of these films I love the confidence of naming the first entry in a franchise Movie name 1 Yeah I've never heard it done before except for ready player one we're still waiting for ready player two well gee whiz that was a hot

collaboration if you'll excuse me i'm going to go and um rub my huge long erect penis okay sure i mean the way that this used to work and i know that we've sort of drifted a little bit through the season, but you used to fund some of these. Is the checkbook coming out, or is it just the penis coming out? No, I think even the idea of this might be powerful enough to help relieve me of this painstaking erection. You don't need to see it. You just needed to map it out a little bit with me.

I'm going to go and research if it's enough and i guess i'll see you next week and i'll let you know how i did which is one question before you go when you say research this a bit do you just mean have a wank yeah i'm gonna masturbate to the concept of shadow play one and then have a think about whether or not you want to fund it after that with clarity of mind something like that that, yeah. All right, George, great to see you. He seemed chipper. Yeah, he did, and full of ideas. It's nice to see him enthusiastic and contributing creatively, you know.

Yeah, he can be a bit judgy. Yeah, that's true. Speaking of judgy, did you make it far enough in the film, Guy Montgomery, to get that little homophobic line at the end from Jacob and the Gettys? Oh, yeah, yeah. I saw it just after that. You mean when the two brothers are walking away and he's like, when you look sparkly, when you're...

When I steam and you sparkle, it looks kind of gay. Yes. That's the reason why they have to get out of the sunlight, which is a real twilight real It's good to know I was going to say nod, it's not a nod A nod is like, there's some semblance of subtlety to it This is a porn parody of Twilight So I guess it's just a direct reference

To what people were saying About the visual effects used In Twilight Combined with a little homophobia Wrap it up, put a bow on it Shoot the thing for $25,000, release it as a DVD. Yeah. Emmanuel.TV.

And if a few of our actors have to masturbate on a cold concrete floor in a warehouse pretending it's a room where they house a generator that's powered by sexuality on a blimp, then that's just the movie we're making. Emmanuel.TV is a christian television network with headquarters in lagos nigeria it was founded by tb joshua pastor of the synagogue church of all nations in lagos nigeria holy shit that's a real catch-all title for a church isn't it you got to go big with these things that's how you get the subs uh it

is also the most subscribed christian ministry channel on youtube worldwide guy with well over 1 million subscribers as of january 2019 do you think the reason it has so many subscribers to this uh broad church of christianity is because mayhaps the branding has led to a little bit of viewer confusion. I think that there are a lot of confused, horny fellows masturbating to sermons delivered from Nigeria. Emmanuel, the name Emmanuel, it's biblical, no? I have no idea It is, I think

I remember singing at my Anglican school I remember sometimes I'd sing Oh come, oh come, Emmanuel That was our first episode I remember you sharing that So I can see that I can see that the name Emmanuel Is shared by people of

Well, who have different intentions I'm trying to read up on it now i don't know if any of this leads to uh it has no particular meaning in jewish uh messianism by contrast the name based on its use in isaiah 714, has become to be read as a prophecy of the Christ in Christian theology, where Emmanuel is translated God with us. So there you go. The more you know, eh? Because knowledge is power.

The more you know. So it's of Hebrew origins, just so we're all on the same page. Really, you know that the podcast is descending into the depths. When Tim Batt is researching on Wikipedia in real time for little tidbits to add to the episode. For he is so sick to the back teeth of this series, this softcore pornography series that he's engaged in. And Emmanuel's sexy bite.

I wish it was the last one But it isn't We've still got a few more of these These fucking things Although, I will say this Here's my shining light, you ready for it? It's a shining light so bright that if any vampire got in the way They'd be fucking vaporised

Is it about vampire lore? Nope Renee, again. Oh, you love Renee. Renee's so good. She's such a live wire. She is genuinely, by a country mile, the most charismatic character in all of these movies.

She's just so horny and so doesn't really get what's going on. Constantly putting herself in. Convincingly. constantly putting herself in... Convincingly. She puts herself in mortal danger all the time just to get a dick. And it just works. It works so well for this franchise.

She rocks. I thought Emmanuel... I tip my hat to you, Renee. I thought Emmanuel had actually quite a strong acting performance today. Yes, by... Well, she's credited as Brittany Joy I think but her actual name

is Ali Hayes Her actual name is Britannia Joy My shining light would be there's like, there are two scientists who kind of run the generator and at one point one of them gets seduced by the sexy vampire and is in the throes of passion and then the vampire gets clocked by her colleague who i

believe has a crush on her with a big book or they might even be together and then he looks at her and she's all naked and he's like whoa i'm horny and then she like jumps up on him to express gratitude for saving her and the poor fella just comes right in his trousers. And he is embarrassed. Is this your shining light? Yeah. Oh, man. Great little detail.

It was funny. It was very funny. It was funny because she was apologetic about it. Yeah, she said sorry. It's fucked up, man. I wonder what wormhole will happen next in this exciting franchise. In fact, I'm going to look it up. What ones do we need to watch through this?

Six, Chocolat and Emmanuel. Now, do you reckon that that could be a play on Chocolat? Because this came out in 2011. I can't remember when that Johnny Depp bloody mum fest came out. I didn't see Chocolat. Me neither. I mean, possibly. It does feel like the movie's willing

to parody anything at this point. Chocolat came out in 2000, bruh. It's too late. Maybe, but what else is it? Do you know what would be great? and bruh. It's too late. Maybe but what else is it? Do you know what would be great? If it was a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style affair for Emmanuel through

time. They had to they like won a golden ticket from this very elderly man who is famed as the world's greatest lover. In fact, get George back in here. Is he still around? No, I can see him. Can you just...

George! Thanks, you got a lot of voice. What? Got another porno to pitch. Tim wants to talk to you. Hey, excuse me. Hi, George. Nice to see you.

What's with the sigh, man? I thought you loved all this stuff. I thought expressly I was going to try and masturbate. Hi, George. Nice to see you. What's with the sigh, man? I thought you loved all this stuff. I told you expressly I was going to try and masturbate. Yeah, yeah, I know that, but I think this is going to help even more. You've got no respect for boundaries. No, listen to me. I've got a good idea. You listening?

This better be good. Get a pen. Write this down because this is pretty hot shit. Ready to write. A pornographic version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You've seen it with Gene Wilder. You've seen it with Johnny Depp. Now experience it with balls, boobs, butts, and dicks,

and vaginas thrown around in your face. You pulled me out of the bushes for this. Wow. You haven't heard the best bit. So here's how it works. Seven golden tickets have been hidden in condoms that are distributed around the world from the Trojan company that makes condoms.

Still to this day, cannot get over how ill-named that company is. But it quite works for this premise because they're sneaking something in to the package. So we get seven sexy winners who have to come to the fuck factory with Willy Wonka, get it? Because he's got a big dick.

Yeah, and it's wonky. Yeah, it's all wonky, yeah. Yeah, so Willy Wonka is an elderly man who sort of, he's world-renowned for his fucking. Yeah, great. He's famous for fucking. He's famous for fucking. And for making condoms.

His real name is Robert Smith, but everyone started calling him Willy Wonka. Like the guy from The Cure? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, but no relation. Oh, wow, he must get that all the time he really does it was part of the reason he embraced the nickname other people gave him um sometimes that can be awkward but he was like god anything to get me away from you know i love the cure do you yeah yeah well interestingly i was thinking that that would be kind of a funny

referential point to soundtrack the entire film with the Cure songs. Oh, wow. It's not especially horny music, but I mean, artistically, I like it on principle. Sick ass. Well, the whole thing's shot in black and white, so I hope you like that as well. And we're going to follow the same beats as the original Gene Wilder version of the movie based on the Roald Dahl book. So the horniest adult with the best impulse control gets the condom factory.

Yes, that's right. And they have to go through a lot of trials and tribulations. There is a river of lubricant, which they go on um a vagina boat they ride through it and uh you know that crazy tunnel scene yeah that's real like psychedelic and quite terrifying um so and and that in our version of it you're entering a big butt oh that's fun's fun. But in the vagina. Oh, wow, it's confusing too. Yeah. And all the imagery is like these slightly horrifying but still horny three-dimensional tits and cocks

just coming at you and tongues and all sorts of freaky 3D shit. Man, this is so full on. I had a real good buzz going in that bush and now I feel totally overstimulated. It's like going to a Chemical Brothers concert, man. It's a lot of projections. It's a lot of the cure turned up very loud, and it's a lot of body parts flying at your face.

Can we just bookmark this? I just don't feel like I've got the capacity to discuss it. No, I think we need to delve more into it. So like in the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, all of these kids are caught up and caught out. No, we have got adults, but I'm saying in the original version, it's kids and our version is adults. Seems important.

Exclusively. But in the original version, as you know, all the kids are sort of, they find their downfall with their sort of sin or weakness that they particularly suffer from. Gluttony, laziness. Yeah. The other ones. Selfishness.

Envy's in there maybe. So we have adult versions of this in the different fuck environments where they're all being taken down by their personality defects one by one. And there's also a somewhat large winner who gets stuck in a tube just because that's, I think, an interesting thing to put in a movie and to reference back to the original film. Yeah, great. That's pretty much where I've got to. Black and White, Willy Wonka, The Cure,

it's adults. Can't stress that enough. Feels like a really good idea. Bit of a work on for me. Okay, I probably should have quit while I was ahead. Well, I'm still really deep in the whole Shadows thing Shadow play one

was pretty fucking good I'm running around the street trying to get the light to hit me at the perfect angle So, uh I'll bid you adieu Okay Wow The longer you

spend with him, the more confusing he becomes. Yeah, I know. I really thought he'd be into that, but he really kind of didn't enter into the spirit of it. Yeah, he's a real prick. But a cure fan, which was helpful. Not for nothing. Guy, I think it's probably time for us to put a bow on this.

I'll just tell you right now, Inspector or none, no boner. Didn't happen, not going to happen. Okay. Well, yeah, I think, I don't know where the Inspector is, but I also didn't get a boner. It was nice to watch this movie in higher definition. The idea of arousal was so far from my mind. I got horny for the pixels.

I got horny for seeing pixels. I got horny for seeing more resolved lines of pixels. You got horny for modern technology. And that is the most Timbatt thing I've heard. Picture clarity, my man. Yeah, brother. That's what it's all about. Say it how you see it.

So there you have it, folks. I hope you enjoyed our little jaunt a lot more than we did watching the film itself. Just to let you know what we're doing over it on our Patreon. We've accidentally engaged in a triple feature of She's blank blank because I kind of fucked up. So we watched She's the Man starring Amanda Bynes. And then She's All That. And next.

And then next we're going to be watching He's All That very soon. The Netflix reboot that literally nobody asked for. And that has absolutely nothing to do with She's the Man, which anyway, listen and you'll figure it out. They've both got he's in the title. Yeah, they've got pronoun.'s in the title yeah they've got pronoun it's the pronoun trilogy

it's the worst study of pronoun trilogy alright everybody we're getting the fuck out of here to get on with our lives thanks for joining us

can't wait to end this mini series this fucking season of the podcast you got anything you want to say to the good people while we're here guy

fuck no you yeah good on you brother fuck you guys. Bye. Thank you.