The Worst Idea Of All Time - Episode Twenty Seven - Off-duty

Episode Date: October 29, 2018

The second podcast recorded in one night, Tim's 27th birthday but this time AFTER watching the movie. And boy has it put the aforementioned podcast co-host in a shitty mood. While Tim is feeling sorry for himself and doing some soul searching about what it means to spend the last hours of his birthday alone in his room watching Grown Ups 2 for the 27th time, Guy is just too darn exciting by the Edinburgh Fringe Fest to be brought down by the movie and regales us with tales of a terrible gig as well as questioning what you should do if you're a drunk off-duty cop at the scene of a massive backyard brawl. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the worst idea of all time, episode 28, I think. Is it 8 or 7? It's 8, isn't it? 27. What was... No. Don't get ahead of yourself, mate. Oh, wait.

No, you're right. You're right. You're right. Of course I'm right. I'm brilliant. Well, you're a lot of things to me. Don't oversell the enthusiasm in your intro there, Tim. You couldn't sound happier to be here.

It's still your birthday. it's still your birthday two podcasts you're enjoying this aren't you well i don't know i'm just thinking about if anyone just listened to episode 26 and then they immediately spin into this one it's quite an interesting little sort of experiment to listen to two gleeful one slightly drunk men talking about the movie watching experience and then now after having actually immediately watched the movie just the change in energy yeah palpable yeah it sure is everything you've said is true um well i found that watch draining and frankly kind of degrading what do you find degrading about it

you don't think you deserve better do you I think I do deserve better particularly on my birthday than to have to watch that movie again man grown ups too doesn't discriminate mate it doesn't care whether it's your birthday or your cat's just died it keeps on trucking along it's a juggernaut just lost your job your relationships just ended grown-ups too cares not for your shit yeah it doesn't care but it's there for you it's not what we covered with rose is the one staple in

both of our lives i know but as we have to hang on to but as we've talked about in previous episodes because i think you asked me the question you were like do you find the movie to be no someone else asked me do you think it's like a warm blanket at this point and it should be simply because of the familiarity of of seeing something that i've seen that many times seeing it again but it's not it's fucking awful i've got to say this was also for me arguably one of the worst fucking movie watching experiences of my life it is so bad it's so halfway through bro when when um when kevin james and his wife were having an argument at his mum's house, I just started screaming. I started just screaming at the computer screen.

Oh, man. Oh, man. I mean, and this is the thing. It was such a sapping experience. I really don't know what there is to is to to say like what's what's left for us here man that's the question we've got to watch this movie another um what 25 25 times what's left hey what 25 times we've we've done more than half we've done more than half guy your unflappable enthusiasm and optimism is always a source of inspiration for me,

but even that can't pull me out of the depths that I find myself in right now. You know what? You need to revisit the first episode and listen to the two plucky young adventurers who are sort of laughing at how ridiculous the concept is. Those fucking overconfident assholes who have signed us up for this hellish project.

We're like those guys who went to the North Pole real early before anyone else did. Or like Scott, who went to the South Pole. And I'm sure when he was planning it out, he was like, oh, you know what? It's going to be dangerous, but it'll be bloody fun, gents. It'll be bloody exciting. And then he found himself like balls deep in snow and ice and his men are dying around him and his

sled dogs are starving they've got to kill them and feed them to the remaining sled dogs and that's us now man we're in the middle of the tundra it might sound like a ludicrous thing to do to just go to the middle of the south pole probably the coldest place on earth for no real reason other than we're in this massive intercontinental dick measuring competition with norway or some other scandinavian country but i really think i really think we're making a good decision here that's us man we'll be remembered that's us

he is remembered do you think how long ago did that happen like a hundred years do you think a hundred do you think a hundred years from now

it was about a hundred a hundred years from now people will be going they did it will we be immortalised in some sort of base somewhere like Scott was well our podcast will live forever on the internet

Robert Scott can't say that can he yeah suck it Scott is that his first name I think if we've discovered anything just now it's that we're both hideously ignorant with regards to the South Pole expedition totally think if we've discovered anything just now it's that we're both hideously ignorant yeah with

regards to the south pole expedition totally totally i want to say pre-world war one but after turn of the century so like 1906 or something but i'm not going to google it because you chastise me so heartily last time i tried to do anything that i've got to keep eye contact with you this entire podcast over Skype. My drunken exuberance and energy has made way for a very slow moving and slow thinking half-naked man lying in a bed. I'm just so... I'm painting a picture for the listener

at home right now. Yeah. Pink is how I would describe you. I'm looking at you. I'm switching between my computer screen and you're on the projector as well so I'm just looking between big guy and medium sized guy

and how would you describe me you look like a porn star from the 70's that's pretty good that's a pretty good description the moustache is back yeah clearly that's kind of what I was getting't know if it is description oh yeah clearly that's that's kind of what i was getting at bro there it is isn't that a isn't it a triumph of sorts yeah anyway look we can't get well we can get a self-indulgence we like it's our fucking project and if you're listening this

far i mean you're just gonna put up with whatever we give you this is an intensely abusive relationship with our listeners hey like we throw so much shit at the people who listen to this podcast i kind of we i mean bad about it i i feel like we're really going off the rails right now just to give this some semblance of purpose tim what was your shining light in today's movie do you know what wasn't my shining light the fact that it's my fucking birthday and this is how it's ending this is how the day is wrapping up this is the last thing that's happening i'm in my room alone i think grown-ups i think i think that this is a very and you've got to take a long hard look at yourself here this is a very accurate reflection on your year as a 26 year old

so you've turned 27 you're capping 26 and you've got to look back at it and say that was that was a time when I you watch yourself if you are trying to sum up my last 12 months by tonight

you better watch yourself Mr sitting in his room feeling sorry for himself, I mean what are you doing right now? What do you mean? How can you argue with me right now? Because you're trying to paint. This is your life. No.

This is how... No, it's not. This is how you are spending your birthday. No, it's not. The last thing you said is true. How can you argue with it? You're in a room right now Skyping Edinburgh

You've just watched Grown Ups 2 for the 27th time Fucking how symbolic is that What I'm trying to say is that You're attempting to paint tonight Like this is my entire life Like this is representative of my last 12 months Of life on earth It's fucking not man

It's too big a coincidence not to be No it's not not man it is it's too big a coincidence not to be 27th viewing 27th fucking podcast you're 27 you're sitting in a room feeling sorry for yourself you did this to yourself i i helped i'm complicit but you put yourself there now tell me you're shining light you little bitch you're a real son of a bitch Guy Montgomery what was it? what did you enjoy? well I had one that I sent you but then I had sent you another message and you said

that should be the shining light so are you going to take that second one or is that for me? well it's yours you have to say it the first one was ronaldo here's my shining light polish your voice mate with a little bit of pizzazz please uh uh Ronaldo is the uh I'm coming to terms

with the fact that this is my life this is how I spent the last year of my life I feel so sorry for myself and my name's Tim Bat

real piece of work man Ronaldo is the fictional character on the made-up soap that they've got which levin soft watches with his mom and um a few times at the start i thought that it was john c reilly playing him but it's not it's just some random character actor that they picked up it's nice they're not he's not a character i've told you this before. It's Chris Berman. I don't think he does. He's the best known NFL, American football sports announcer in America. It's a cameo. It's another cameo.

Because at that point in the movie, they're probably like, something's not quite clicking. We need to plug this hole with a cameo. You know what we need? Another character, another cameo. Yeah. We need to distract everyone from the fact nothing's happening in this movie by throwing a vaguely familiar face at them but that's not your real

shining light what was the second amended shining light well i didn't send it in as a shining light i just commented and you said that should be some shining light but what it was is uh what's your fucking name the woman i don't know the woman who's in love with Adam Sandler in the movie, who works with Selma Hayek, turns up to the Faders party. And this is the first time I'd ever seen this. She's wearing a shirt that says, I,

and then it's got a picture of Adam Sandler at, like, college age. And then, Leonard. Like, I love Leonard, but it's like, I Leonard Leonard. Like, I love Leonard, but it's like, I Leonard Leonard. It's so good. There's so, like, someone made that in the art department.

That is a genuine Easter egg. Yeah. To be connoisseurs of grown-ups too. Took 27 times. And I think we should, we should get these t-shirts. Maybe even start a kickstarter

to get the t-shirts. They could be our movie-watching t-shirts they could be our movie watching t-shirts yeah i like that i like that idea it's not a bad look at you picking up it's good to see i just want to see that lovely smile tim oh well please please continue to condescend me because you know that that's the way to get me back on side what's your shining light monty uh my shining light it wasn't so much well it's i don't know it's you know so this full-scale brawl fight breaks out at lenny fader's party all right it is um and you've got shaquille o'neal and officer dante there who are police officers in the world of the film and they uh i was pulling my face because i just pulled i just

did the screenshot just so you know that's why i was pulling a face don't be put off by it i wasn't put off by it and i've been drinking right and my shining light is more of a question is what is protocol for a drunken off-duty police officer when they're in a situation that requires the assistance or help of a police officer. I reckon you just man up and be a cop. But, I mean, surely you're going to come under fire. Yeah. If you, for like, you know, if you make a bad call, you're going to lose your job.

You could be a hero. In fact, that kind of what was that movie with Denzel Washington when he was a bit drunk but he saved a plane was it called Flight yeah maybe

it was really good it was quite recent too it was really good you've I haven't seen it oh it's excellent it's excellent would you

is that a similar hypothetical situation yeah what I'm asking about now it's a really good yeah really good parallel

that you've drawn there because like he was he was hammered shit was going wrong he you know what he did he just he beat a pilot and if you're sort of the shit out you'd be a cop but what did he get in trouble for being a pilot well i don't want to spoil the picture for people that's a movie you should actually see but it's kind of like the central sort of theme of the story, or the central part of the story, is about whether or not he gets in trouble. Okay.

Well, I mean, it does make me want to watch the movie, but you haven't really answered my police question. No, I have. I've answered it. I reckon that even if you're an off-duty cop and you're hammered and shit's going down, I think you've just got to do your best to be a cop. You do your job. Yeah, I job yeah i reckon what do you reckon well i'd probably call another cop and then like intervene sort of passively intervene like a cop yeah or just like try

and put a lid on it until the real police showed up. Okay, well here's one. What if you're an off-duty police officer and you're hammered and shit's going down? Would you like designate another person to take charge who isn't a cop and then you assist some rando? Well, but even in that circumstance, you're kind of, if you're delegating, you're kind of taking charge as a cop and you're still going to be coming under fire for your decision making.

So, and that, no, because then if I'm doing that, I might as well just go and wait in myself. But dude, this is like the philosophical question where you can either, what is it? Like there's a train going down the tracks and it's either going to hit one person or if you like pull a lever. No, it'll hit three people or you can pull a lever and then it will change tracks and hit one person or if you like pull a lever no it'll either it'll hit three

people or you can pull a lever and then it will change tracks and hit one person and like most people won't pull the lever because that makes them somehow like connected to it yeah but they're they're complete they're like um uh you know what would you response i pulled it i'm a i'm a big fan of like the greatest good for the greatest many i'd pull that fucking lever and i'd kill a man what would you do? I pulled a lever. I'm a big fan of, like, the greatest good for the greatest many. I'd pull that fucking lever, and I'd kill a man. Yeah, I reckon I'd pull the lever.

I reckon I'd pull the lever too. Though it's hard to say until you're in that situation, which would never happen. Well, I mean, it's, yeah, it's a very unlikely situation. It's a philosophical question rather than, like, an everyday thing.

I, um, someone asked me, it seems like such a ludicrous it is a ludicrous question though like if you could get a bit so there's a button in front of you right and if you push the button you get a billion dollars but one person on planet earth dies do you push the button and of course i said no that's a terrible i don't even know why i started talking about it i like to think that if you do push the button if you do push the button then you get as soon as you get the billion dollars you die and it turns out you're the person always dies and like it's it's like a it's like a trick button to kill off greedy people and then imagine if um the christians are right and not only do you end your own life but you go

straight to hell oh that's not a good button fuck i've really derailed the podcast terrible button um do you want to steam there okay i want to talk about Keithy's eyelashes, because I don't know if we've discussed them enough. We haven't really held into them before. Have you noticed those bad boys? The man looks like a giraffe. Yeah, I haven't consciously noticed them, but now you mention it. He's got big features, Keithy, eh?

He's got big everything. He's got a big sort of... It's almost chipmunkish, his face. Yeah. Lovely brown eyes. Gorgeous eyes. Really nice eyes. But the eyelashes are almost too much for me.

Like, they're too long for a boy. Yeah. He's actually quite pretty. He is pretty. Also, the, uh, I feel like they couldn't, they don't really look like they could be Adam Sandler and Selma Hayek's kids. You don't think? Yeah. I think Keithy could be.

I think Greg probably not. Yeah, Keithy's got a bit of a Hispanic look about him. Yeah. And then saying that, I guess Greg's got that sort of Adam Sandler, sort of alpha male look about him. Like the sloped forehead of a the sloped forehead of a Neanderthal

knuckle-tranger. The sunken eyes of an idiot. I'm really sorry if the actor who plays Greg is listening to this podcast right now. Yeah, I'm in a dark space, man. It's not you. It's me.

I apologize. Hey. Definitely Tim Baird. Hey, guess what, guy? What, Tim? It's just clicked over to 12. Woo! Welcome to 27.

Thanks. No, wait. Last night that happened. But now you've had your first official day that's true um so we might as well you know you're in this transitory stage of your life turning 27 oh yeah nudging closer to adulthood and the oblivion i mean do you want to reflect on your year as a 26 year old or do you want to talk about what you hope for yourself as a freshly minted 27 year old? I spent the entire

day being so fucking stoked I was so happy all day, absolutely, because I don't often do a little look back, but on my birthday I do make a point of doing a little bit of a contemplation absolutely, taking stock

and stoked, again every birthday I i'm pretty stoked with what's happened here before every every birthday nailed it another perfect year pretty much yeah i'm just i'm a positive guy and i've got a lot of things to be positive about in my life no doubt which you've done an about face since 10 minutes ago no no that's the thing the about face was like i'm grim right now this is the grimness this is the turnaround because i was happy all day i was happy the whole day and then i watched the fucking movie do you think like because you know how it's sort of it's built a bit of a friendship between us obviously this movie do you think by the end of it that we won't be able to look at each other anymore like because

we'll we'll so associate the other person with that time of our lives shit i didn't think of that because just then i was thinking you're sitting there you're going oh i've had such a great day and then i got really upset because the movie was on. What do you think of when you think of grown-ups too? I think guy. You think of guy. I feel like there's definitely some sort of association you have with seeing my face and being upset or angry. I never really

thought about the Pavlovian aspect of linking you to this terrible feeling of the movie but you're probably right man. There's something there. I haven't felt it yet um but it might be coming storm brewing storm storms are brewing and what do you i mean what are your goals for 27 mate what are you looking to tick off the old bucket list like i want to knock this bad boy off i want to see the movie 52 times guy i don't want to

miss a week and i don't want to miss a moment and I don't want to miss a moment and I don't want to miss a podcast I don't know man, goals are for suckers in my experience, you don't want to do two specific goals Failing to plan is planning to fail Tim That is demonstrably untrue I am a known planner

I'm on top of my shit, son. You are a planner. You're saying that like you're trying to be facetious, but you plan. Yeah, I plan big time. And look at me. I'm talking to you. Actually, this is a pretty good night and day example of who's the happier party right now. But I feel like it shouldn't be taken as the absolute snapshot.

Well, outside my window right now, the world of Edinburgh rages on. I can't wait to finish this old, to wrap this 27th podcast up with a bow, dip out the door. I'm going to go and try and see eight shows today. Wow, that's a lot of shows, man. What have you been seeing so far? What have you enjoyed? There's so much good stuff happening.

Lots of sketch comedy over here but there's a sort of established and um tried enough that the best stuff is people who are messing around with the form so they're not it's not like your traditional sketch setup like there's one show by some of these guys called sheeps it's called a wembley preview And the premise is that the show that they're performing is just a preview for a gig that they have in Wembley next month. And they go out on stage and they do their opening sketch. And then they're all like, no, no, I don't think we quite got the punchline right. Oh, sorry, terribly sorry. We're going to do it again. oh, I'm sorry, terribly sorry, we're going to do it again.

And then over the hour, they do the same skit like 20 times with a different, like, bent on it, like a different punch. And it's so amazing. Fuck, it's clever. That's really cool. That's a great format. But, like, it's just, the volume is so great that it's just, like, for every show like that,

there is a show which is completely different it's been real real um mind opening mate well let me ask you this mr positivity mr sunshine um seen any shitters yep seen some real duds mate seen some real duds i actually i had a walkout a couple of days ago my first walkout of the festival you walked out and walked out on them it was this i'm not gonna i don't want to um tarnish anyone's names in case uh they you know they become successful and they listen to podcasts they won't cast me in their in their buddy comedy flick are you wearing pants uh yeah i'm wearing pants okay um but it was like a lineup show these sort of young comics they were pretty green in in their defense but they had a massive like they had about 100

and something people in there in their venue which they're doing the free fringe at like three o'clock in the afternoon it's a pretty big like apparently on average there's like five people attending each show at the fringe if you average the whole thing out of the thing so they've got a big crowd in and the mc goes up and just starts bombing immediately oh no like just like in record time loses the room he never had the room to lose so he just walked just can i stop you for a second you're scratching the the microphone against something it's getting it's very kind of prickly or something oh Oh, no, that's not good. Something weird's going on. All right, anyway. So he doesn't have the room. Yeah.

He does like five minutes of what I guess he would describe as material and then moves on to crowd work. Uh-oh. And he's trying to encourage people to applaud in anticipation of bringing the next act on. Sure. And he sort of singles out two people. One woman will call her Wendy. One guy will call him Bob.

And he goes, All right, Wendy, I want you to leave the chair on this side, all right, Wendy, I want you to leave the chair on this side of the room. And Bob, I want you to leave the chair on this side of the room. He doesn't build any rapport with them. Right. Anyway, eventually we all cheer. The first comment comes out and somehow is worse than the MC. And it was just like, oh, my fucking God. So he goes on for what feels like seven hours,

and then the fucking MC, I don't know, then he walks on stage, and like a wave of relief washes over the crowd, and then the fucking MC peeks around the curtain and walks on stage, and I was like, oh, that's right. This goes forever. And he goes to Wendy.

He goes, hey, Wendy, you enjoying yourself? And Wendy goes, yeah. that's right this goes forever and he goes to the he goes to wendy he goes hey wendy you're enjoying yourself and wendy goes yeah uh and he's like not the most confident response but very quick and then and this is when it got really risky like i don't know why he would ask this question when the gig is so obviously going horribly. He goes across the other side of the room, and he goes, what about you, Bob? You enjoying yourself? And Bob goes, yeah. And then,

the crowd applauds Bob for his honesty. Oh, no. Yeah. But then everyone, we just kept sitting there watching the show, and then after like 45 minutes, the MC came out and started doing material about the lyrics to Bound To by Kanye West, trying to be satirical and that's when i said

enough is enough this madness must end yeah um and so that's probably the worst one i've seen fuck hey that's um enlightening because everyone talks about the uh awesome shows that they're saying and all the great comedy but it's good to know that there's some right old shitters in there as well I mean it's the nature of the beast and it's why it all works really isn't it as David Spade

says in Grown Ups 2 they're not all tens buddy they're not all tens I have also found myself quoting Grown Ups 2 out of context for no one but myself like I'll just put it into conversation as though it's a sentence that I've thought of

just to see if I can slip one past the goalie which I'm pretty sure is a sign that I'm losing my mind I can't cite a specific example but I just like in conversation I'll just quote it and no one else no one else recognizes the quote recognizes the quote from grown-ups too but

they don't even like because when i've done it they don't even recognize it as a reference like usually people be like oh what's that from but because the lines are so nonsensical and stupid it's like well tim's an idiot that definitely didn't come from a script there's no way someone wrote and performed that exactly um guy it looks like it's it's time for us to scooch yeah yeah what was your shining light again uh it was more of it was i i'm positive a philosophical question yeah sorry yeah it um i guess that counts. Yeah, it does.

My shining light was that the film challenged me. As I'm sure this podcast has challenged many of you at home. Been an absolute pleasure doing business with you, everyone. As always, don't watch the movie. Join us next week for episode 28. And like us on Facebook, Worst Idea of All Time. Yeah, we've gone a little too long to do this,

but we should have read some of the comments on Facebook because people have been very lovely in sending us well wishes, which we appreciate getting. And just as something to look forward to, there's a plethora, or plethora depending on where you're from, of guests who are keen to hop on board this podcast to train as soon as Guy Montgomery gets back in the country. We've got some big names. or plethora, depending on where you're from, of guests who are keen to hop on board this podcast train

as soon as Guy Montgomery gets back in the country. We've got some big names. Dai Hemwood, I saw it seven days when I did last week, and he's like, dude, I need in on the Scronups 2 thing. That's what he said to me. So he's very keen. He's jumping in. One of many.

Dom Corey, also very, very keen. Oh, that's good, because he writes about film for our biggest newspaper well he's a professional film critic that is his gig that is his job that's amazing yeah well lots to look forward to uh happy birthday to you tim and to you kind listener whatever you're doing it's gotta be better than what we're doing. Good night everybody.