The Worst Idea Of All Time - Fifty Seven - Uncharted Waters

Episode Date: October 24, 2017

Sponsored by DollarShaveClub.comThe boiz are really digging deep this week. The Flash is sharing some stories of his adventures in NYC and corn chip inspectors, the pair question whether sneezes appear much in film and the Batman is combining seasons' worth of theme songs into one heart-felt acapella disaster. He's also found Tayna in a whole different franchise! Fugue states and its spelling are under the microscope and you'll never guess what's in the MacBook Pro box this episode! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Now playing.

You gonna play that dastardly intro again? Try, try, try, try, try, try, try. Ow! This movie's still fine. There's a c who passed out. One of them dies, that guy's screw. One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp.

Classic Maximum Joseph. I agree! Ah! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Hello, and welcome to episode 57 of the Worst Idea of All Time, Uncharted Waters. My name is Guy Montgomery and I'm joined online and in the recording by your friend and mine, Tim Batt. Hey Guy.

Hey buddy. What a What a lonesome viewing I genuinely You're holding up some Peanut M&M's Yeah I reckon they make them Different over here

Yeah they look bigger I reckon In America Everything looks bigger Hold that up to the camera So I can see that That's just because I'm holding it Really close to the camera It's not actually

As big as my head No it looks bigger Than your head They make They make peanut It's not actually as big as my head. No, it looks bigger than your head. They make peanut M&M's big as your head. They are in the States. Why is a Cockney boy selling me American M&M's? Because you don't drop a H in an American accent. And you've always got to go with the most fun way of saying something.

For example, the Kiwi vernacular does not also pronounce the letter H as H. I got that from Australia, but I just think it's fun. You just go grab the bits that are fun, you know? That was actually, I just realized it then, something that really put me off people when I was a boy. What a fucking shit. Was H, I couldn't handle H's? You didn't like H, huh? It was H or nothing.

I could be friends with them, obviously, but I just lost some respect. Do you think you respect people now who say H? Chuck a H out there? Use your choice. Do what you want. Yeah, absolutely. But I do believe them to be slightly worse

than people who just say H. Guy, I'd like to kick off. It's more work. yeah absolutely but but they are like i do believe them to be slightly worse than people who just say h guy because it's more work to say i'd like to i'd like to kick off on this 57th episode of the worst idea of all time we've just watched the movie separately by our lonesomes boy it was lonely uh why don't we start with some word association to just gauge gauge the feeling in the room you know what i'm saying okay yeah cool man okay cool so how this exercise is going to work is you i'm going to say something and then you're instantly going to say the first thing that pops into your head okay there's no wrong answers with this yeah this is just to get a little sense of where your head's at i know how word association works okay tanya romero gold

are you are good weed very good uh page Harrell. House. Ghost. Did you say ghost? Yeah. House ghost. Okay, very good. House ghost. Coast to coast.

Okay. All right. Let's keep going. Happy. No. Steak. No. I feel like you've got a very slow reaction time one that would suggest you're trying

to cook up something but then nothing tremendously great comes i mean be quick or be good guy but at the moment you're being neither i'm overthinking it you are i am yeah i'm trying to think of a quick word and then no word comes, so I just say the first word. I can tell, but we're getting a lag. This is what cost Hillary Clinton the election, according to Jon Stewart. Guy, don't fall into the trap of the six-second buffer.

What? I'm not running for anything. I can do whatever I want. It doesn't matter how i do on the word association test octopus that's not i say this is how it works at all what time is it over there stupid o'clock it's not yeah it's actually it is stupid o'clock man it's 7.15pm, but I am absolutely wiped out. I had fun.

You know how it is. Did you have a good full day today in the Big Apple? I did have a full day today in the Big Apple. Man, you cover so much ground here. I've been walking, on average, 13k's a day that's quite a lot it's so much walking and so yeah and then so i was planning on um just tucking into bed uh and you know watching something i like and going nine eyes and then you were like, hey man, can you do a watch?

And I could and I could see no other opportunity for us and it was like, it was real heartbreak. It was Devastating I think. I had to wait 45 minutes to wait for the watch and so it was like just filled with dread.

I went and bought a salad from the supermarket. It was great. I think they put sugar in it or something. That sounds quintessentially American. Chuck some sugar in there. Chuck a bit of mayo in there. Chuck some dressing in there. You know you're in New York

when there's sugar in the salad. That's what they say. An old New York saying. saying hey I'll tell you okay I'll bring the energy out I just want to tell you this I will get to talking about we are your friends which I know what we both want to do

but I had a really good interaction with a guy yesterday I was sitting outside having some in a Mexican cafe having some lovely huevos rancheros or waiting for them actually

and before my food came out, they brought out, like, corn chips and salsa, really delicious salsa. And I was sitting there, I was reading my Kindle, I was having a bit of chip and salsa, and a man, like a pretty respectable-looking guy, was walking past. Like, you know, he looked like he had been somewhere

and was going somewhere. Was like, stopped and was like, hey, hey, you're not going to believe this, but this is not his voice. I go around New York testing all the corn chips. I said, what? He said, I test all the corn chips. I said, am I to believe that you're New York City's quality control control for corn chips and the man said that is exactly what you are to believe i said well you better have a corn chip then and he reached across the table and took a corn chip

and dipped it in the salsa and ate it now if he ate it he said you know i'm not actually a corn chip inspector don't you and i said yes he said very good man you seemed like a nice guy and that was it he just walked away i love that see no one in new zealand's got the gumption to pull off that kind of shit i expect these kind of characters to populate the rest of your life stateside this is you from now on you live in a in a comic strip i mean it was truly incredible it reminded me so much of uh snake and the simpsons when he says wallet inspector yeah that wasn't the corn chip inspector at all uh anyway i'll tell you no no in the interest of context what we're bringing into

the to the watch to the episode i'll tell you what I've been up to the last 12 hours or 24 hours. I went up to the north, to the north of the North Island. Oh, it's beautiful. And I was at your friend of mine, Ranira's, 30th birthday party. Did you send him and his wonderful wife, Emma, my love, and wish him a happy birthday as I requested? Yes. him and his wonderful wife Emma my love and wish him a happy birthday as I requested yes if I was to message him or and say

hey guys did Tim relay my message of love and merriment birthday merriment yeah well I mean of course I would say of course yeah naturally you can't message them right now and naturally you know you you want to take the time to send me the file as soon as we're done

uh talking here uh but absolutely yeah that that's uh not related to what we're talking about now but i just want to you know reiterate what the process is as well okay maybe i'll do that i'm going to message um i'm going to send a message right now no no no so once again as i just said so obviously we don't do any of that kind of stuff while we're talking and then i would uh you know sort of just like to reiterate how important it is that i get the file as soon as humanly possible so i just send send that recording over over to me before you do anything else okay this seems odd that i need to do that but um yeah it's a good birthday though i got our man a uh uh zo and i picked him out of quentin tarantino

coffee table book because he's a film buff regular film buff and there was a uh a gorgeous dog there you would have loved it guy you're a real dog person aren't you i like dogs there are a lot of dogs here i went to the halloween dog parade and it was a very condensed area with a lot of people and all of them had their dogs and their dogs were dressed as different things one of them was a peacock and uh some of them were pumpkins and none of the dogs uh were happy about it, I don't think. The dog that was a peacock clearly knew that it was dressed as a peacock and was like... I think the level of intellect the dog possessed was, I am not a peacock, so why are you dressing me as such?

He wasn't taking it to heart and strutting around as a peacock, but obviously a dog it's dressing up your dog is like it's like taking your kids to a protest you know they don't know what's going on just don't do it wait wait till the dog can make up its own mind about what it wants to be what it wants to dress up as for halloween well i'll tell you what 10 minutes flat and we still haven't talked about the movie. That's good. That's good stuff. Because I genuinely, I was looking at it and it was looking at me and a few thoughts went through my head.

The first one when I was sort of halfway through the movie actually was, boy howdy, I don't know what's left to say about this. After 50 watches or something, I mean, it's just done. Here's another thing. I was watching designated survivor which is uh a keifer sutherland show that i like to watch on netflix even though it's not it's not fantastic it's very very watchable uh you love that show it's uh it's a good time yeah absolutely yeah it's about a regular man who becomes the president of the united states of america he's not a regular man he's uh

he's in cabinet i think anyway i'll tell you who popped up tanya romero is a heroic uh medical woman some sort of highfalutin doctor i was like oh tanya you've made it you scraped yourself you've done quite well Tanya yeah it was awesome she was really on her she's on her haunches in this movie and then obviously that box of money that Zicoli gives her really helped turn things around yeah she's changed her name though I think that's what you do when you sort of come back from a

troubling time like that she's called Tammy and I remember that because the whole episode's about a flu outbreak and I remember there was the whole episode's about a flu outbreak and uh i remember there was a when the bird flu was kicking off the cure was called tamiflu so that's how i formed that little mnemonic in my head here's another thing by did you realize yep well if i was changing my name from tanya i would not pick another t name uh i think she's made a bad decision to call herself tammy maybe it's a maybe it's a nod maybe she's like where's wally where she is hiding but she sort

of wants smart people to find her do you think that's where's wally's deal is that what wally wants he wants to be found occasionally i think. Well, he's never like inside a fully like closed off box or fully hidden behind a tree. He leaves enough there just for the smart people to find him. It's like a litmus test

for geniuses. He's created quite a lot of hullabaloo for a man who I frankly don't know what he's done that's so great. But, you know,

he's a paranoid guy. is he hiding from that's the real question isn't it he gets like he encourages people to dress up as him it's pretty freaky it would be a fun adaptation for the franchise do you reckon anyone's made a comic strip or maybe a graphic novel or something and it turns out Wally or Waldo as he is locally known in America which I think

is he from America? Is he American? Waldo is. But are you going to say that like a gritty graphic novel where Waldo is the bad guy and Oddlaw is actually like Oddlaw is a time cop who's trying to catch Wally,

who's a serial killer. Because Oddlaw's always the bad guy in the books, but I like to think he could be good. I see Waldo slash Wally as more the protagonist, whereby he is a, like... What's that series called? Harrison Ford? I think it was Harrison Ford.

And he was on the run. He was a vigilante and a one armed man who killed his his wife you see the one armed man the fugitive that's not a TV show

yeah the fugitive or it was like the fugitive yeah that's how it started oh yeah actually the movie I like that movie was it good? no but it's better than

what we just watched it's just good, dumb fun. Hey, so where I was going with that... Oh, I wasn't going anywhere with that, but my next fact was, because I was Googling around when I saw Tanya Romero pop up, did you realise that We Are Your Friends

only had a budget of two mil? That's pretty impressive. That is really impressive. Yeah. Crazy, huh? Normally Zac Efron alone would get more money for a film, you know? Just by himself. That is kind of depressing because that means that they must have really believed in it.

I guess so. Or not because they didn't pump a lot into it. No, everyone involved is doing it for love. I mean, they're getting paid as well, but, you know, that's it. People are taking pay cuts. You know, they want to get this thing over the line because they believe that they're onto something.

That is depressing. But it made money. It made $11 million at the box office. So everyone kept the lights on, got the bills paid. That's good I'll be interested to see Maximum Joseph's next film

yeah I mean I reckon he would have learned a lot of lessons here and I don't think it's necessarily I don't enjoy the film obviously because I've seen it 57 times before

but I don't think he's necessarily bad you know you don't think he's necessarily bad. You don't think he's a bad? I'll watch his next movie. Do you think that Maximum Joseph would be the trusting pair of hands needed for a film adaptation of the gritty reboot of the Waldo series, wherein Waldo is a man on the run hiding from the feds?

And the feds are odd law. A time cop who's out to catch Waldo. Well, odd law. The name's right there. It was the feds the whole time. If you change the context of... If you change the context of Waldo to that,

those are much more fun books. Yeah. Slightly different age much more fun books. Yeah. Slightly different age target, I think. Yeah, absolutely. Because then you've sort of got to explain the nature of the deep state to a kid and that's always a bit of a taxing afternoon just to get them set up for a picture book.

Yeah, yeah. You don't want that. Hey, Tim, I will instill some positivity and some cultural relevance to this episode of the podcast by telling you my shining light this week was when Ziccoli's like, that painting just moved, and then James Reid says,

no, it's just the PCP talking. When James Reid says that, I'm like, fucking hell, my guy. That is the most casual way to tell someone you have drugged them with quite literally one of the most fucked up drugs you can give someone. You are a seriously loose cannon. That really rocked me this week. I was like, fuck. You do not care at all.

He's a nihilist. He's totally self-obsessed. He doesn not care at all. He's a nihilist. He's totally self-obsessed. He doesn't care about anything. Do you kind of desire that sort of... It's not really confidence. Because it's like not caring about other people. There is something attractive about that as a character type. Just being like, I don't care what shit I fuck fuck up as long as i'm having a good time yeah but they don't even make

it interesting like he's not his self-destructive streak isn't so powerful that um i care it's like what's at stake for him he doesn't care about his relationship he doesn't really care about his reputation as a DJ hit rock bottom James Reid there's the beauty of him the most dangerous man in the world man with nothing to lose oh yeah

the thing I keep thinking that was your shining light yeah his attitude towards spiking zikoli with pcp was my attitude was my shining light i'm gonna go pretty existential if i may on the shining light this week um because what i keep thinking about is like at this point at this absurd point of this being the 57th watch of this film and just watching it by myself alone in my bedroom on a on a projector it's quite engulfing all-encompassing and it just uh it struck me that you know there's a wave there's a crest there's a graph however you want

to kind of visualize it but it's like you you hit the movie at the start the first time you see it and you're like okay we're dealing with a movie and then around the 20s you're like okay we're dealing with a very annoying thing deeply frustrating thing i have to keep interacting with and then there's sort of little mini waves of despair and there's anger and then there's some sort of resolution and now it's kind of approaching somewhat a state of nirvana, just sort of surrendered myself over to Megan Oppenheimer and Joseph, Maximum Joseph. On one hand, Tim,

I completely understand what you're saying. And on the other hand, you sound like a fucking lunatic, bro. Yes, though. What bit of that sounded like the ramblings of a lunatic to you? I understand the feeling of watching the movie and sort of the notion of just letting it wash over you and here's if you're feeling at peace.

It could be... I've thought of the movie as meditative before but it's not that's like stockholm syndrome talking it's not meditative that's not uh good oh it's not good and i think you're right maybe maybe it is a kind of a stockholm syndrome kicking in at this point but i mean as you said this is uncharted territory these waters have not been sailed before there's no map here

they're murky and it's just the extreme mediocrity of this film is kind of really slamming that whole phenomenon home this isn't a sex in the city too you can't hold on to your anger with this one you know no it's weird not knowing it's made for too many dollars that always comes back that for me it's um

that is to be respected you know in some ways i'm going to blow my nose so i'm just going to mute for a second so you yeah right on it's harder to be um rude and dismissive towards a movie that people obviously cared about i've said it before i'll say it again uh you know all right i'm so tired i had no fight in me i couldn't do anything when i was watching it was just happening uh but we weren't interested in each other it's companionship at this point you know I don't watch the movie

because the movie brings out the best in me I watch the movie because I watch the movie like uh oh we got some dark talk happening here I watch the movie because I watched the movie. That's a worry.

That's just what's happening. We might need to unplug. I mean, I'm glad that this has only got three more guys around the merry-go-round. That's quite stupendous. Only three more of these. But it's also hard to get excited about when you've just watched the movie for the 57th time because you're just in a numbed is it a fugue state when you sort of it's kind of like i love i love the word fugue and i love that it's spelt f-u-g-u-e like that's such a dumber there's a dumb combination of letters

that shouldn't work it should be pronounced fug a fugue state is a state or period of loss of awareness of one's identity, often coupled with flight from one's usual environment, associated with certain forms of hysteria and epilepsy. Now, that's confusing because there's definitely an element of a state or period of loss of awareness of one's identity, but it's not coupled with flight from one's usual environment this is a place we go to often yeah yeah i guess so did that mean physically in that description do you think it doesn't matter we're not experiencing a true

fugue state and uh oh we're pretty close though those who are it feels very close it does feel close hey let me let me ask you this guy it should be pronounced fagui or something else how do you get fugue from that yeah it's one of those things that you would only know if you'd heard someone else say it i'll bet there's been a lot of embarrassed people. Yeah. Who are big readers, who have said that out loud, and people have been like, I'm sorry. What did you just say?

What are you talking about? Fugue should be spelt F-E-W-G. A Fugie state? Fugie state of mind? You're a moron, professor. Get out of this classroom. You've lost the moral authority over the room.

These students have called you bluff. You're a hook, Captain Cook. Captain Crook. No, you're a crook, Captain Hook, is what I was trying for. Swing and a miss. They can't all be gold. As this episode, I think,

is a testament to I think this is a good episode it feels different it feels like we're both respectively in a different space it's our first one apart so it's quite an interesting it's quite an interesting

companion to the previous episode where I was emotionally rubbed raw that doesn't sound good you were there you bloody

prodding around no I know I did the rubbing but it was just the way you put it sort of yucky was it too visceral for you Tim

visceral is a good word because it sounds like what it's definition is yeah almost onomatopoeic, but not. Yeah. Which is crazy because it's not a sound. But I am totally on the level with you on that one. See, we're getting somewhere now.

This is why you do 57. To pick apart a few choice words. If you could remove... Okay. If you could remove okay if you could remove one character from this film

and it would have the least amount of impact but like sort of a main somebody's got a bit of stage time on there bit of screen time

rather who would it be Johnny Depp can go and it doesn't make any difference to the whole movie he literally you are absolutely right

you are absolutely right he does nothing that should be a question when you're writing a script right if I remove this character does any single thing change no okay cool maybe I'll write him out maybe he doesn't need to be there

hard out but you know people getting paid which I love I love that he got paid for that Maybe I'll write him out. Maybe he doesn't need to be there. Hard out. But, you know, people getting paid, which I love. I love that he got paid for that. Pretty borderline role, though. You're a drug dealer. You're a... Excuse me with the cop. Today.

You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately borderlands now playing i'm in the snuffing everyone i apologize for that don sweat it. People say bless you here a lot more than we do in New Zealand because we are... Atheists. Yeah.

Well, are we secular? Yeah. Yeah, so it's bless you this, bless you that. I've started blessing people, which I love because they're really grateful. I talk over people. I barge into coffee shops to bless people. I would often get in a...

You would barge into a coffee shop? Yeah. I guess the sound of a sneeze travels a long way. So if you hear one in the distance, you'll go running, huh? Yeah, I look around for people who are sneezing. Would you ever create the situation just so you could be the hero of your own scenario which probably has a like a name for yeah of course go in with cayenne pepper and just

kind of blow it invisibly into people's faces that's my big plan that's how i'm gonna um break make it big in new york city my shtick is gonna be be the bless you guy. I'll make a whole audience sneeze. And I'll bless them all. You should wear a shirt that says bless you so people can see you coming. And if they don't want

to participate, they can run away. I should wear a shirt that says if you have sneezed recently or are about to sneeze today, I would like to bless you. And then I've got

everyone covered. If I could wear that on a, you know, if I could get beamed onto a satellite and that t-shirt, then I would be blessing everyone. And then, that's when I would have the power. Because everyone would be indebted to me

for time immemorial. No sneezes in the movie, I'll tell you that. Not a lot No sneezes in the movie. I'll tell you that. Not a lot of sneezes in cinema, actually. They've got to be very dependent on the plot, don't they? They've got to be a real driver of the story to be included. I can't think of a single sneeze in a film.

Sneezes are a good trigger for action occasionally. So there must be a few good famous sneezes. So you'd think. Yeah, I can't think of a single one. Hey, can I just quickly interrupt this incredibly high quality episode of our podcast to get a message from our sponsors? I'm a little confused as to why they're sponsoring us. Ow! This movie's still fine. to get a message from our sponsors. But I'm a little confused as to why they're sponsoring us. Ow!

This movie's still fine. Guy, we've got a sponsor, and that sponsor is dollarshaveclub.com. You've heard of them? You know them? I've heard of them, I know them, but I would love a refresher course. Well, they sent me this nifty little box, which actually was here while you were here, but I forgot to open it up while you were here.

So I'm going to do it. I'm going to do a live unboxing just for Guy Montgomery, which I believe will be sort of, you know, similar to what you, dear customer, will receive if you join the amazing Dollar Shave Club. What are they? Well, they make incredibly high quality razors at a very affordable price, and they send it directly to your door so you don't have to fuck around with stuff. You know what I'm saying? Here we've got a lovely little note

that says, Welcome to the Club, which is welcoming us aboard, you know, as customers. They have a beer working at reception, by the looks of things. Yes,

there is a cartoon beer who's taking care of business on what looks like, perhaps an iMac. We have the beautiful shaver itself, the handle here. And this is the first time I'm touching it. I think this is called the executive razor, which is what you get.

Can you see that guy? It's attractive. It's shiny. Yeah, that's a good name for a razor. Yeah, it looks good and solid too. Can I tell you, it's got that lovely weight to it that you want in this kind of an object. It really feels like an artifact

that you want to hold on to. Yeah, yeah. It's beautiful. That's good. Lovely little release for the blades. Hey, but we got other stuff in here too, guy. We got the gorgeous shave butter

in a lovely tub. That's fantastic. I'll just whack a bit of that on. Oh, there's foil and things. I'll get to that. And then we got... Oh my God, they put two of everything. You were definitely supposed to get this.

I'll bring this over to you, matey. I'll make sure you get this. It is imperative that you do. Oh, there is two. I don't have any shaving products here in America. That's why I need to sign up for Dollar Shave Club right now. Guy, everyone does. And how can they do that?

Do you want to do the next bit of the ad or shall I? You do. I was teeing you up. Well, look, here's your chance to see why over 3 million members like me love Dollar Shave Club. Right now, you can get your first month for as little as $5. And after that, it's just a few bucks a month. Dollar Shave Club is so confident. So confident are they in the quality and value of all their products.

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It tells Dollar Shave Club the boys are bringing in some customers. And we love that. DollarShaveClub.com slash Worst Idea. Ow! This movie's still fine. Well, I don't see any reason to dilly-dally, Tim. I'm curious as to what you think James Reid from The Feelers has inside of the box. I'm curious as to what you think James Reid from the Feelers has inside of the box.

Well, I couldn't possibly get into that before having the preparatory. Preparatory? Prepared? The prepared? Preparatory. Let's hit the theme song. Getting sentimental. Sentimental.

With James. With James Reid. Reid. Reid. I always like it when we do them across country, international. They always sync up perfectly, which is incredible to me. I've actually got a burning in my loins. I've got a hunger for a little Patty Schwartz is what I'm feeling. Because I haven't done it for so long, and it's such a good feeling. I feel like nothing could make me feel better than a little bit of squeebop.

You know what I'm saying? That's entirely – there's two different ideas happening at once there. I want a bit of boo-boo. A bit of squeep-squaw. You know? Squee-biddy-squeep-squap. A bit of hey now. A bit of beep-bo.

Hey now, Hank Kingsley. Squee-biddy-beep-bop. Squee-biddy-beep-bop. Boop-boop-boom-boom. Squee-biddy-beep-bop-bop. Oh, yeah. Squee-biddy-beep-bop. Squee-biddy-boo. Squee-biddy-boo. Wow, wow, wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom Scream it now. Scream it now.

Scream it now. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey., Hey. Patty Schwartz Party time Party time I can't do that

Watch your guard In his little box now Patty Schwartz Party time It's an emotional nightmare Sentimental gift giving Nice I can't do

I just realised I can't do that because people are everywhere around me. I've got to be respectful. Yeah, fair enough. Look, I'm happy to take the reins on it every now and then when you're in a compromised position. No, not at all. But that would have been a whole year's worth of me not being able to sing the song with you. That would have been a disaster.

Oh, boy. Thankfully, not the situation we find ourselves in this week now tim when i was watching the movie one of the few things about the movie that made me feel good this week was the idea that james reed was working in cahoots with page uh and there so i don't know quite what the end game was but james reed has started fucking diamonds whoa so when he's at the party and he says uh the johnny depp and jay hidden squirrel will tank that introduction to james reed from the feelers and he goes hey cole come here i want to show you something in my head i was like oh my god he's fucked a diamond and he takes cole into his music studio and he whips his wang out and he goes does does this look normal to you?

And Cole's like, Jesus Christ, dude, no. You've got like platinum or something coming out of your wang. Is that what all wangs look like? Is mine normal? And he's like, yeah, yours is probably normal. This isn't normal. I've been working with a real toy. He says if I fuck a diamond, that shit's forever.

And he's right. So that was all happening in the movie for me this week. That's not to say it will have any bearing on what's in the box. Sure. But that was all swirling around in there. Can I throw something at you, Guy? Yeah. And this is perhaps the intro.

It was a fortune-telling kind of an intro into the segment this week. Predictive, you might say. Serendipitous. Yes. So you open up that macbook pro box what do you expect to see in there macbook pro i'm afraid it isn't what it actually is is a man who exists just for a brief amount of time and he's just hoeing down a hot cup of joe real hot coffee he's got a newspaper and he's like a tiny little man a tiny little man that fits in a macbook pro box drink drink drink in three gulps he's finished his steaming hot coffee and he just runs out of there and because he's so little he's impossible to follow he just scurries

out the door but the strangest bit of it is is there is a hint of something going on in that coffee cup of fibs his tiny little tiny little coffee cup for a tiny little man if you look at it closely enough what you're going to see is none other than a miniaturized version of arnold schwarzenegger's son patrick schwarzenegger hello be thy who is on, riding around on some macheteskis within the pool, which for him is sort of a small lake size. So I'll take you through the scale again. We've got normal scale. Okay, we've got Zuccoli and James Reid from The Feelers existing on that plane. Yeah.

We're in the MacBook Pro box. We've got a tiny little man Drinking coffee real quick And in his cup A tiny tiny Tiny little Patty Schwartz On a tiny little pair of Macheteskis Driving around Invisible to the Naked eye surely

Barely visible Barely visible to the Naked eye But you can make him out? Yeah Well you've got to You've got to really Pair in there

You've got to pair in there With a magnifying glass But the craziest thing is, Coffee Guy has now consumed tiny, tiny Patty Schwartz. Oh my god. tiny little man is amazing times are sure to follow he's like a leprechaun but instead of bringing you gold at the end of the rainbow he's just bringing you a fucking amazing time if you can find him like where's wally i can't imagine uh you know something that would engender much more pep in your step than drinking that much caffeine constantly and also consuming, I guess, the essence of Patrick Schwarzenegger. It's kind of the whole him. A very Honey, I Shrunk the Kids-styled romp,

such as this adventure through the body of coffee guy. You did pretty well to tie up a lot of loose ends from previous seasons of the podcast there. Really enjoyed that. You'll notice that throughout this entire conversation, Tim, I've been slowly my entire body's just been slowly inching further and further down

the pillows behind me until I'm almost 100% horizontal. Yeah, visibly receding in front of my eyes. It's incredible, isn't it? I'm getting smaller and smaller. Like a man's hairline, guy. You're disappearing from view.

Inch by inch. Right in front of my face. Like a man's hairline. Like a balding man's hairline. Just trying to inject a little poetry into the mix, you know? Spice things up a little bit here. A simile. A little art.

Do you think similes are better, worse, or of equal value as metaphors? Worse? They are the poor man's metaphor. A simile, because you have to use like or as or something? Correct. A simile is an unconfident metaphor. Just go with the metaphor.

Do you respect people who use similes instead of metaphors? I mean, I do. I use similes, but it's always by accident because it's just the times that I've been conditioned in. But I hope that when I raise my own children, I'll be able to kind of train them out of it because, you know, I'm a product of my environment and that's unfortunate. them out of it because um you know i'm a product of my environment and that's unfortunate i have a slip of the tongue often where i'll i'll sort of one will just come out when i'm not thinking about it and it's a horrible low quality a simile will just come out it'll just come out automatically and i'm sorry it's just what i've been through is what i was brought up in i'm a child of the 90s it's what i was surrounded by but my kids hopefully hopefully we'll be living in a better society more metaphors and our kids, hopefully we'll be living in a better society.

More metaphors. And our kids' kids. Well, they'll be living on a warmer, it'll be warmer because of all the ice is melting. Yes. Global warming. I mean, do you think,

I hear what you're saying, Guy. Do you think that's going to lead to more metaphors or less metaphors? Probably more. I think a lot, you know, people will be trying to, you know, articulate what this experience is similar to, but they'll be short on time, so they'll be culling any unnecessary or superfluous language. That's right.

And just like wartime, because it will be a challenging time for everyone, people get poetic, you know? That's where art comes from. It comes from pain. So what I'm saying is, let's get all this coal and these resources out of the earth. Drill, baby, drill. Let's burn the fuckers while we can.

Let's have a party. And then... I heard somebody say, burn, baby, burn. A disco inferno. Burn's have a party. I heard somebody say burn baby burn. A disco inferno burn baby burn. Let's write some poetry while we kill the polar bears. You know? That's my position on things. That's where I'm coming from.

You're my guy Tim. You know that you and me, we get along. We think along similar lines. We like the same breads. I reckon. I've never felt as close to you as I do right now. After that speech.

Well, that's touching. I don't quite know what to say. Although I will say, I feel a lion. Is that a metaphor? It's like a super efficient one. I removed as many words as I could. I feel a lion. Yeah. I removed as many words as I could. I feel a lion.

Yeah. I feel, comma, a lion. No, I feel a lion. I feel, comma, a lion. Did you just take out the word like? Yeah. I don't think that passes the test. Did I do a metaphor?

You did a disaster. I feel a lion. If I remove the comma as well and I was going for super efficiency, it just means I'm touching up a lion. My experience. Not touching up. You might be doing it by accident. It might be one of those games at the fair

where you have to put your hand into a box and you guess what's in the box. And you say, I feel a lion. And they go, whoa. Are you using a metaphor or do you actually think there's a lion in the box? And you go, well, I guess you'll never know. Well, if we don't know,

then you aren't in the draw to win. You can't win the prize. And you go, what's the prize again? They go, it's what's in the box and you go well i guess you'll never know well if we don't know then you aren't in the draw to win you can't win the prize what's the and you go what's the prize again it's what's in the box yeah well i think there's a lion in the box they go congratulations now you own a lion and you're like i don't have the space to raise all the money or inclination to raise a lion do you know how much fucking work that's gonna be like what too bad lady not our problem it's your line now it would be a funny way to get rid of the lion or in fact anything you didn't want put it in a box make it a game the first correct guess of what's in this box you will win you will win the prize and the prize is the thing that Yugi's saying. What is it?

Well, it's a bunch of old driftwood, which I took and has been sitting in my house. I'm moving house at the moment and I really didn't have anywhere for it. I don't want all this old driftwood. Well, too bad. It's yours. It's yours now.

Yours now, buddy. What am I meant to do with it? I don't know. Use your initiative. I seem to get rid of it okay i love this i love these carnies that we've created i love their i love their shtick you ever met a carny like a real one no no not like the ones on the simpsons No, no, not like the ones on The Simpsons.

I reckon I have briefly in Australia when I actually went to the fair. They're very, they seem like very hardy people, but they're also, I think, pretty loose with safety regulations. Yeah, yeah, they're known for being loose with safety regulations. Everything's rigged. I've seen rides propped up on... What do you call them? Like crates before for structural integrity.

Although, I've recently seen a few houses propped up on crates, which seems wild to me. I'm sure I told this story before on the podcast, but I'm going to rip through it real quick anyway, because it's quite a good one. It was a ride at the Christchurch A&P show.

And it was like, we're all the sort of, you know, the haunted house and all the Ferris wheel and whatever, all the dodgems and all the shitty rides that they've got. This one's called the Gravitron.

And you'd go in and it would spin you around so fast that you would, I don't know, what is it, play? Is it centrifugal force or something? But you could like, you'd be flat against the wall and you could turn your body so that you'd be like side on and you'd be flat, flush against the wall, you know. So you could go upside down. It's quite good fun. And I was in there with my friend Oscar and we were doing it.

And then a bit of metal came off the middle of the ride and hit Oscar in the head and he threw up on himself and he was like pinned against the wall in his own vomit because the ride would keep going and that seems really dangerous to me but you know what are you gonna do we didn't do anything I just laughed at oscar because he had vomit on his shirt and we went went uh and looked at some sheep or something you know in new zealand that's how that story goes if that had transpired in america it would have been like a multi-million dollar lawsuit yeah it's crazy stuff huh i i um i think i've told this story as well, but it was ages ago. I went to the Royal Sydney Easter Show and developed briefly a fear of flying

after going on a fair round ride, which was kind of an octopus-shaped thing, central pole in the middle, very strong, and then lots of octopus arms hanging off of it. pole in the middle very strong and then lots of octopus arms hanging off of it and then off the back off the end of each arm there was kind of two of these things that would strap you into place similar to a roller coaster a sort of a harness that would come down and grab you by the shoulders and waist lock you in place and then your legs would just dangle and it'd take you up and throw you around every which way and uh i went on with nick who's uh my friend who i was living with at the time i know nick he's nick's a pretty that's good nick's a pretty big guy um he is about six foot um nick likes me build yeah nick likes you that's right guy nick likes you

he sure does cool yeah, cool. Yeah. You'd tell me if I'd done anything to upset him or if he, for whatever reason, decided he didn't like me out, you'd tell me. I totally would, man. Yeah, I would pass that on. In the same way that I would never promise to pass on birthday wishes and not do it. I'm a man of my word that way.

You do? Okay. Yeah. You're not messing with, I'm a man of my word that way. You did, okay. Yeah. You're not messing with me when you say that you definitely said happy birthday to Ranera

and you said, you sent my love to him and Emily. And Emma. Oh yeah. I don't think I could have been. And Emma, who I definitely know.

I don't think I could have been more clear at the start when I was talking about it so there we are on the ride on the octopus ride and that thing is going so damn fast and throwing us in such crazy directions that Nick

who is a very brave boy you know this is a guy who's gone through basic training in the army he's fired guns and things you see not a lot rattles him very very brave. Screaming for his life. Doing that kind of panicked laughing that you do

when you know that this could be it. Thought his dang legs were going to get cut off by one of the bars that we were flying perilously close to at extremely high speeds. That sounds terrible. It would angle us. It would point us towards the ground and then throw us at the ground at tremendous speed

and then pull you out just at the last moment. And we were quite shaken when we got off the ride. And it went for, this was the real kicker. The thing went for ages. It felt like we were on there for 10 minutes. I'm sure it wasn't that long. But maybe it was a good six seven minutes of just just crazy torturous throwing around and freaky maneuvers at high speed and then so we were quite shaken so we

sort of chilled out and had a beer and we went on the ferris wheel and just the ferris wheel alone when it got up to its maximum point i was like oh that's weird i didn't have a fear of heights before but i do now and it's from that ride and it and it persisted for like a year after that that i genuinely felt nervous about flying it's gone now thank goodness but that's bad ah it's crazy but you know nothing happened because them carnies know what they're doing i know what they're up to yeah there's really stringent laws and regulations around ride safety like super stringent there's no way anything will ever get you know it slipped through the cracks

wow like that yeah i mean things things do i'll just say things do happen sometimes but it is rare yeah but you know we won't get into it because it's time for us to end i think god we have talked about the film very little this week let's um let's round off on on a little bit of uh uh what i like to call film chat it's just me saying that we haven't talked about the film dude no one wants us to fucking talk about the film they want us to stop talking right now what are you what did you Just give me 10 words To describe the movie Tim I don't want To do this anymore You understand

Is that 9 It was 10 you idiot Guy I Do understand And I thought the film sucked. Perfect. Perfect end to a perfect pod. Hey, be sure to rate us on iTunes.

Like and subscribe. Tim's got a vlog. They would love you to check out. Check out Tim's vlog. Yeah, yeah. You're the one with the vlog. Follow Guy's Instagram stories on his Instagram account. Guy of Mott.

Tim does unboxing videos, but it's not unboxing. He just squeezes on his vlog. He squeezes all of the toothpaste out of a tube. That is odd. And Tim thinks it's unboxing he's like have you seen my vlog i have all these unboxing videos and i say no tim that's just you squeezing toothpaste all the way out of the tube and you go yeah i'm getting it out of the box okay no is it called a tube yeah well a tube is a kind of box anyway check them out on youtube called timbats unboxing videos vlog and thanks again to this week's sponsor dollarshaveclub.com slash worst idea goodbye One of them dies, that guy's screwed.

One of them's a hothead, his name is Jay. One of them looks like Johnny Depp, and his name is Johnny Depp. Classic Maximum Joseph. Agree! Agh! You forget that films are supposed to have a point. Today. You ready?

Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands. Now playing.