The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventy Three

Episode Date: September 2, 2018

Timbo's back from his honeymoon so welcome back to The Friendzone! And this just in: one of our friends has watched Sex and The City 2, 72 times! #PrayForKai We also hear from friends who've been mugged (and blog about it), friends who've dug into Real Rob (see the podcast Overlooked and Undercooked) and friends who'd like to correct Timtim's understanding of how a tracheotomy works. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone, and have a good time, yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello to all and sundry, welcome along to the friend zone, a place for you to kick your feet up, take your shoes off, not in that order, pour yourself a cuppa um for me peppermint tea i've been drinking a lot of peppermint tea lately also uh i haven't had it for a few weeks but i've been having some sort of licorice tea and it's so nice have you heard of this? Licorice tea. No, I don't even know what it is. Hi, everyone. It's Tim here. Keep an eye out for it because it is a ruddy good time. Welcome back from your honeymoon.

Thank you, Guy. I was in Vietnam and I was in Bali and it was, shit, it was good. How long were you respectively in each place? A couple of weeks for each, I'd say. About that, nine days in Bali, I think. Please relate the high and low light of your respective travels through the respective countries. My favourite bit, least favourite bit of Vietnam, probably.

Power vomiting in the middle of the night into a toilet and very nice accommodation nonetheless and then alcohol poisoning or food sick just a brief food sick but it wasn't um didn't last too long little sort of 24-hour jobby um but we had signed up to do a like an abseiling sort of a day out the next day starting in the morning, and I was committed to keeping the date. So we went and did that, and it was pretty full-on, pretty full-on thing to do in 100% humidity,

about 35 degrees centigrade, which, what's that in F? Hundo? Yeah, just under a hundo between 90 and hundo and uh trying to climb up a big tall mountain to abseil down proved to be uh yeah tricky i'll say that highlight just fucking just the mate. I know everyone sees it, but oh, good golly gosh. What was the best meal? Oh, we had a lot of goodies. I don't know.

It's all good. It's all good stuff. Just the baseline. Did a few food tours. The quality was so high. And also, it's very cheap, isn't it? It's very cheap. It's obscenely cheap.

And we got to stay in such an amazing accommodation, because Zoe had booked everything. And look, the woman doesn't mind roughing it, but she loves a bit of luxury, you know? Yeah. Because it's not that expensive. We were in places that had private pools and bloody spa baths, and we went on a little cruise in Harlong Bay on a boat for three days.

Happy to hear it, mate. Spoiled wee boy. And tell me about Bali. Bali, temples as far as the eye can see. You know the best bit about Bali? The dogs, they're everywhere, and they're just so chilled out. They're hot as hell, and they're just trying to get a little bit of shade, and they're there to hang out.

They seem smarter than the average dog. They're there to chill and hang out with you and just be pals. But they're also very... They're kind of cooler than you are. They're very cool. Can they make you sick? Don't know. Everything can make you sick, I guess. There's a calculation we had before we left

because they offer you a... You've got to get a whole raft of shots before you go to these sorts of places when you're a young kiwi lad and they say do you want a rabies shot and it's like 400 and i looked at my darling wife who's a doctor she said ah probably be fine there's a cure for rabies now anyway no that's not true don't tell the listeners that because it's untrue no no no rabies is rabies is covered you don't got to worry about rabies now anyway no that's not true don't tell the listeners that because it's untrue no no no rabies is rabies is covered you don't got to worry about rabies anymore everybody no rabies is uh as far as i know a hundred percent mortality rate guy no no no well then why wouldn't

you get the shot because it's very unlikely that you contract it in the first place is a deadly virus spread to people from the saliva of infected animals the rabies virus is usually transmitted through a bite animals most likely to transmit rabies others in the united states can a person be cured of rabies uh okay so maybe when i say that rabies is sorted i mean that there's a really good vaccine not that once you have rabies you can be healed yeah the vaccine is what they offered us but 400 bucks we rolled the dice it's like a whole couple of nights of five-star accommodation with the private pool mate proud of you didn't get the low point of Bali?

We had a slight time on the scooters one day. We went out for a bunch of adventures on scooters, and there was one trail that a guy we met at a restaurant, some Aussie bloke, he was like, mate, take a shortcut, go through the rice paddy fields, you'll have a wonderful view. And it was a little bit trickier than we than we thought so that was um it was a bit full on just like with tensions just slightly fraying while you're through the um not between us i'd say but it just it was it was a tricky old path i i'm i'm a little

bit going home on the bikes though so i don't know i kind kind of... Isn't it? Travel. A brilliant litmus test for any relationship, obviously. Truly it is. You learn a lot about one another and yourself. You and I certainly have. We've done a lot of traveling together, haven't we, Guy? My main lesson, and I've said it before, I'll say it again. You've got to keep Tim's blood sugar up, everybody. If you're dealing with Tim, you're talking to Tim,

and he seems a little bit down a little bit cranky you just go out you find something that's going to get his blood sugar up and the boy will be back to your lovely uh old timbo wimbo in no time the ass can really fall out of a vacation with timbo if you i'm like a reverse gremlin you got to feed me after midnight before midnight at midnight and all the other times keep me fed and keep me wet your classic reverse gremlin guy we're here in the friend zone it's not just you and i here it's uh it's it looks like it's a full bar as well it's crowded out there yeah people they are restless. I know. And I see you're swilling and sipping on a beautiful glass of vino.

Got a little merlot, a little gifted merlot. That's nice. How about you, Guy? You look like... Where are you holed up at the moment? I am in Chelsea, London, England. It's where I've spent the last few nights. My sister's temporarily staying here with a spare bed,

so I am also temporarily staying here. And life's pretty good, man. Just, I don't know what I'm going to do today. I'm flying to Jersey, is best known uh for being self-governing but also part of the united kingdom and a tax haven uh so i'm going to be taking yeah all of my tax i'm going to be taking on a lovely holiday setting it up in a beautiful little haven uh yeah i actually i don't know a lot about jersey i've got a friend who lives there he grew up there he's lived abroad so i met him and he's back there and so a few of us are going

to go over he's having an end of summer party are we thinking you should take up smoking or something no no you're going to take advantage of this tax-free status somehow i don't know how you do that i don't know that smoking's the way. You mean buy a large amount of cigarettes. Fuck, yeah, I'll tell you what, a trip to the grocery store will be interesting, especially, you know, with that, you know, backlog of living in New Zealand.

I mean, I cannot wait to see the reduced price on various different goods and services. Is this how tax havens work? Look, mate. Have you understood the concept correctly do you have any idea how thick i am when it comes to matters of uh math numbers money look i've just eaten so i'm not going to answer that it would be entirely too mean but what say i was gonna say you get a

smoking habit all right and we'll call it even i'm not gonna be pleased to hear uh the mailbag is absolutely flipping packed to the rafters so let's dig in lots of people at the bar as well as i mentioned before guys so we'll might bring one or two of those people in later yeah sounds good man uh dearest Timbo and Guy Guy, long-time listener, first-time writer. I recently wrote this blog about my time working on a dairy farm in rural Australia, comparing it to your struggles in the worst area of all time. It's a long one, so don't feel compelled to read it on the friend zone, but I figured you might get a chuckle out of it.

I'll censor money, but annoyingly, I was mugged last week, so I don't have the funds you boys deserve. On a bright note, I'm thinking of writing another blog comparing the mugging with your experiences watching Real Rob. I like this. Also, I cycled across Melbourne

to watch Guy do a stand-up bit about fucking sheep on a wine tour last year. It was a real honour to see that blue flannel bucket hat in action. Cheers, Joe. And he's attached a link to a blog called The Worst Lifestyle of All Time. shares joe uh and he's attached to link to a blog called the worst lifestyle of all time uh and in the interests i'll just read the the blurb for it and if people are interested we

can find a way to share it back in 2014 tim back and guy mcgrory two comments from new zealand started the aptly named podcast the worst year of all time which they watched reviewed the same film grown-ups to every week for a year. Through this public, week by week, unraveling of their minds, the hosts underlined two things. It is possible to overdose on amsandler, and more importantly, variety really is the spice of life. In March 2018, I started a job on a dairy farm in rural New South Wales and unknowingly dived headfirst into something I could only call

the worst lifestyle of all time. And then it goes on so this actually looks like it could be a bit of fun i'm going to leave it open uh the website his name is joe gauntlet spelt g-a-u-n-t-l-e-t-t uh if you look up john gauntlet the worst lifestyle of time. I'm sure that you will find it and can dive in. Joe or John? Joe. J-O-E-G-A-U-N-T-L-E-T-T. Joe Gauntlet, the worst lifestyle of all time.

Gauntlet. I think I've found it. Marvelous. Oh, no, I haven't found it. I'll get it off you. No, actually, I want to know how people can find this joe gauntlet the worst lifestyle is it lifestyle of all time yeah well his search engine optimization is fucking terrible i'll tell you that i don't know that it's for public concern. I mean, I'm sure that people are enjoying listening to you, you know, search the internet.

I just posted on the Worst Idea of All Time Facebook page. How about that? How does that? What a good plan. That cuts a corner. By Google, while I've searched for Joe as well, explicit results filtered with SurfSage. So maybe he's wound up cast aside alongside various pornographic websites. Did you just say SurfSage?

SurfSage. Oh, yeah, I might have. I don't know. Very impressive. Had a vino or two. Oliver writes, Dear Tim Haunton's and Five Guys. Nice.

I hope you two boys are well. I just wanted to drop you both a note to say how much i enjoyed overlooked and undercooked following the end of worst idea my daily commutes were certainly poorer owing to the lack of audible kiwi chocolate with worst idea i always found it helpful to watch the movie after a few episodes in order to better understand the podcast with this guy around i didn't have enough time to watch a whole episode, so instead I watched the coffee shop scene on YouTube, where Rob argues with the barista about tipping. Good lord it isn't funny. The real tragedy of this show isn't the cinematography, post production, or general lack of acting,

but the fact that Schneider actually thinks it passes for comedy. Despite grown-ups too being offensive to the vast majority of cinema goers, I didn't hate Sandler for making it because teenage me would probably have enjoyed it. For all its flaws, the movie's slapstick humour, in quotes, is comedy for a certain demographic. Real Rob, on the other hand, is just straight up not funny. Schneider is clearly aiming for cringe humour, but totally misses the mark, and it ends up looking like a giant... Oh, and ends up looking like a giant arse.

He is the comedian who isn't funny. In fact, he strikes me as a real-life Krusty the Clown. Good luck with all your projects, and I can't wait for season two. Whoa, thank you so much here's a bit like a real life crusty the clown i fuck i'd write crusty the clown a lot higher than rob schneider tell you for free i don't know that's fair i got one for you mate dear Whitamee Houston, and Lady Guy Guy. Yes.

I've been meaning to write this letter for a while, so apologies if some of the content is outdated. My sister and I attended Guy and Alice's show at Union Hall the other week. We were the woman who ran up to take the seats at the front. Guy and Alice were joys to watch, and it re-inspired me to reach out. Firstly, I'm a big fan of you both and The Worst Idea of All Time, obviously. I would, however, like to lodge a small complaint. Here it comes. As the third and final season of The Worst Idea came to a close,

I decided to watch We Are Your Friends. I know, I know, that was my first mistake. I attended the New York show back in November, hysterical, and was hoping to prolong the experience. The movie was more or less what I expected until the end. You boys had prepared me well for Squirrel's death and Zicoli's tears. What I was not prepared for, though, was that Johnny Depp and Jarhead don't become friends again

after their post-Squirrel fight. I was expecting a big reconciliation at or before summerfest but instead the movie gives the coley a happy ending well for all we know johnny depp and jahid never speak again maybe it was the accents but i do not recall either of you mentioning this enduring rift during any of the 60 podcasts you made about this movie in all seriousness love you guys and feel free to read my name aloud if this makes it to the friend zone best rachel berg from connecticut the setting of the smash hit grown-ups too i just feel like we weren't invested enough in either johnny depp or jahid stories to care that they don't become friends again like they're not 60 episodes though you gotta say

that's a lot to miss something they're not they're not 60 episodes though you gotta say that's a lot to miss something they're not they're not meant to be friends i think you're right maybe squirrel was the glue the whole time and once you remove that the whole friendship circle rightly you know comes away at the seams and everyone goes their separate way i think you're right um i think of all of them only zakoli was willing to do the soul searching in the wake of his death that meant that he was gonna make vast improvements as a person although jahid i think you know he's a hothead but he also had a heart of gold johnny depp fucking slimy little weasel why do you think jahid had a heart of gold?

Not like what caused him to have that trait, but what causes you to believe that to be true? He does want the best for his friends, you know, and he believes in them and he encourages them. He displays a lot of the virtues of being a good friend amongst all of his general pig-headed behavior, which suggests he has the opportunity to outgrow his sort of prolonged adolescence and become a functioning and uh contributing member of society i do not hold out such hope for johnny depp anyway rachel thanks for getting in touch uh now kai kai writes hey folks thanks for the time and energy you put

into this means so much to me love Kai PS I've made it to 70 watches of sex in the city too my pace has let me just let that land my pace has slowed down considerably and I've burned every friendship watching experience that is to say

I can now only watch it alone sometimes i will bump into people who are familiar with deathblart and i will ask them about the worst idea of all time sometimes they'll be confused or amused or say they like the first season but the second season was too brutal for them every once in a while i'll ask them if they ever watch the movies or specifically sticks in the city too they've all said no and usually respond with and quote i don't hate myself style remark feels like i'm asking them if they've tried heroin either way i'm not sure when i'll stop watching sex in the city too but now that i've now they've taken it off netflix it has gotten much harder i don't have anything to

plug i love you folks so much jesus christ well i wrote back i i often with these correspondents and this isn't um the best probably thing to do but i usually just bring them to the friend zone and don't reply but i did reply to kai and all i wrote back was i'm i'm worried about you kai yeah i think we all have it back that does sound and feel like a cry for help it does doesn't it kai not good i mean you know i suppose it's an interesting wrinkle you're adding to your life but one that i think a lot of people will be befuddled by so please do not keep doing this on our accord um it's what you're doing is wrong and bad uh oh so this is a slightly older piece of correspondence and i think one that we might have addressed previously but there was that story going around on twitter a while ago about a 15 year old boy has been

arrested for sneaking army of rats into st michael's high school the army of rats was allegedly meant to wreak havoc and also to kill that dirty bourgeoisie asshole principal um i i got a real flood of people telling me about that. Bring the story up. Give me a reading, guy. No, no. Give me a couple pairs. It's not linked. It was just sort of a meme-style screen grab of the information. Find it for me.

I am not your monkey. I do instead have... Holy heck. A big chunk of text I'm going to read out for you here fabulous reads as follows Monty is there any way you can get Tim to play a section

in the director's commentary of God's Not Dead the part where he's describing an emergency tracheostomy to his wife it's just so beautifully inaccurate i'm sure she would appreciate it it really tickled me as not only would it be the completely wrong procedure anyway but to jam a pen into someone's esophagus you'd have to go all the way through the trachea windpipe and then through to the esophagus food pipe to then just blow air into his stomach it would certainly haze in death but unfortunately render him unable to renounce his atheism,

muted by the pen in his throat, the blood surrounding and now inside his lungs and the air in his stomach. Sorry, I really hope it hasn't come across as me shitting all over you, Tim. It just tickled me. Plus, as your wife is a doctor, I just imagined her shaking her head in disappointment

when I was listening to it. I just have one final thought in regards to season three. When Alice Nen was on, she thought there was a small coffin in the MacBook Pro box. A coffin for a small animal. It really bugged me that no one took the bait and said it could have been a squirrel coffin. Forever planting the seed of impending doom into Coley's mind. Much akin to the spinning top of Inception. Christopher fucking Nolan, why don't you try directing a movie in order for once in your goddamn life?

The director's commentaries you guys have done are amazing I found a few of Tim's phrases slipping into my vocabulary especially oh boy and hog wild I'd love to hear from you

if either of you are in the UK I'm still looking to hop across New Zealand in a year's time I'll be looking for any shows of the Little Empire crew

live every moment and love every day as you never know when Tim is around the corner waiting to jam a pen into your esophagus josh so thank you so much josh um very much enjoyed that yeah josh that's tickle me pink it's very good i have no recollection of talking about a tracheotomy on that particular Patreon episode, but maybe I will try and dig it out and play it for Zoe.

Bernie did it. She'd get a real kick out of that. I reckon she would too. Hey, Kaka Poe Tim and Haast Eagle Guy. I find myself... Now, those who are outside New Zealand won't know this, but those are two birds from New Zealand. One of them is extinct and one of them isn't, but I'm going to let you try and figure out which is which.

I found myself wondering the other day about how the worst idea of all time has been rippling through your post-worst idea lives. And not the peaceful pebble dropped into a pond concentric circles ripple kind of way, concentric circles ripple kind of way but more in the distorted and fractured rippled space time we may never get back to your home planet kind of way all those words were put together so yeah oh to your to your home planet but a letter's been missing here uh not that i imagine that you are damaged in any appreciable way for us all in the friend zone now we know that you are good boys positive boys insane boys i wish no harm upon thee but just wondering what the cumulative impact of all those repeated viewings has been do you ever dream about grown-ups too waking up in your dream with a moose in your bedroom and then really

waking up in your bedroom without a moose in it guy do you instinctively look for coffee guy through all the plate glass windows of your brooklyn days can neither of you even listen to music anymore for fear of conjuring crying djs to your mind's eye it must be such a goddamn breath of fresh air to only watch shite movies a single time i'll let your patreon work anyway thanks as usual and i look forward to season two of overlooked and undercooked as well as more opportunities to hear tim say the word voluminous your friend alex from santa cruz california alex great email yeah hey do you have any um are there any lasting effects that it's had on you uh it's genuinely changed the way that i watch movies a bit

like i i will i look at the background players far more than the central characters in a shot that's kind of an irreversible effect of what we've done i am i was out for a meal with mom and dad recently and just trying to remember what the song was. I think it's a Blondie song, but maybe performed by Alicia Keys in the film. Anyway, it came on when we were out at a cafe. That and Sidney Lauper's True Colors both have really visceral and quite sickening, guttural reactions for me

where I feel I'm conjured to a time and space I don't care to go back to. So there is genuinely a lasting effect in that regard. Otherwise, I think we got away scot-free. Sorry. Pretty much. Just yawned into the mic. Got a friend out of it. Is that me?

Yeah, you're my friend. Yeah, nice. You're my friend too. I've got an email here that's got some attached pictures of rodents. Okay. I'm going to read this. It's from Fiona Hi GNT, just wanted to drop you a message

to say how much I love the potty recently got two beautiful pet rats and naturally my thoughts turn to King Brady the father of rat kind in honour of him, I named one of my boys Brad Dynamite and the other I named Admiral Nonsense both Brad and the Admiral

Brad and the Admiral. Brad and the Admiral. That's a good, sounds like a radio duo. Will be ready and willing to answer the call should King Brady ever need reinforcements in his epic extra-dimensional fight against Dickbot. I've attached a couple pics as these boys really are the cutest.

Thank you so much for everything and long may the podcast continue you're good boys brave boys say my name fiona say my name even if it isn't fiona did you get that throwback yeah it was a throwback um i've got this last one i've got for you here tim is just someone called ben it's from grown-ups, everyone Who says Just so you know Hey, Timbles

But I've got to send you these pictures of the rats And I don't know how Email I'll forward you the email Hey, Timbles I'm going to be in Auckland on Friday for your free Want to grab a beer on Friday evening? Tim, yes or no?

Do you want to take a chance with a man named Ben Who's from Maryland? When was this sent? This is this Friday. Oh, is it still like kosher? Yeah, it's still valid. It's still within Friday. Let's open up my calendar, eh?

What's his name? Ben. Oh, I'm flying to Wellington for my sister's 30th. Ah, well, there you go. So, sorry, Ben. Worth a crack, though. I reckon Tim would have done it had he been here. You were close, Well, there you go. So, sorry, Ben. Worth a crack, though. I reckon Tim would have done it had he been here. Absolutely.

Oh, these rats are cute. I love a bear. They're good, eh? Fuck. Tails are scary, though. Their tails are what get me. I'd love a rat. I've always been quite fond of rats.

Always wanted a pet rat. You're a loon. You're a loon. You're a loon. You're a lun you're a loon you're a lunatic my friend uh look that that's about it for me for now have you got anything you'd like to say i'd like to say that um uh i'd like to sort of say i'm sorry that we haven't had uh more stuff up in the last little while but i've you know we've both been away from our homes, you see. Yeah.

We've been away. But we're going to get back onto it, getting on the Patreon buzz, looking at some movies. There's a couple of things happening quietly in the background as well. The new Breen film, is it upon us yet? No, not yet. I'm very excited, though. I think it's a little ways off.

Now, what's it called again? Let me try and look this up. I've got a very loud keyboard, so... Sorry if that's blasting in your ear holes, me bashing on the keys. Filmography. Twisted Pear. There it is. 2018 2018 he's released the trailer for it which is very exciting i haven't seen that yet so that's something to look forward to watching um i just

like to quickly say to any of you listening in new york uh i'm putting on two shows in september very shortly uh one of them is on September the 15th. That's a Saturday at Union Hall. It's called I'm Friends With These People and it's a show in which I try and showcase how good of friends I am with some comedians

and they react however they see fit. So they'll give me an honest reaction and gauge on how close our friendship is. Could be great. I could feel very lonely afterwards uh and the other one is on the 18th of september at ucb east and that one is called guy montgomery brings new zealand to you fully aware that not everyone gets the opportunity to visit let alone live in New Zealand. I will do my best to represent our fine country and showcase the parts of New Zealand that they do

and don't want you to see with a show featuring various different comics and New Zealand celebrities, characters, and guests. Both of those, if you follow me on Twitter, at Guy underscore Mont will be relentlessly promoted. This sounds like a great show, Guy. I'm getting it, I'm missing it. It should be good fun. I am sort of, it's going to be good.

I just hope that people come. That's all you can hope for, isn't it? You should tape it. Hit record on that. Maybe I will. Maybe I will. Guy, there's a phenomenon in memory called the list effect, I think, which is that you should tell people the important thing last

so they don't forget it. But I just, I've got to talk over your promotion of your own comedy shows to bring you the Twisted Pear film movie website. It is a feast for the eyes and a website for the ages if the age was 2003 ah man i'm gonna look it up right now identical twin brothers become hybrid ai artificial intelligence entities yet are torn in different directions no stop reading you're burning their memory of my like these people can just look it up this is the log line bro this is just like i know but already it's got brain all over it it's a it's a it's a mess

man this film the website will tell you a few facts one of those is that it's a neil breen films presents one of them is that it's written produced and directed by neil breen uh and another is that it's copyright 2018 neil breen and neil breen films all right well it's also made in the usa which the website proudly displays also crisp hour 29. Yeah, of which you can see three minutes 53 if you watch what is listed as the trailer. It's too long, Neil. That's too long for a trailer. Look, I want to end this conversation

so that at least one person remembers to come to the shows. They're going to be good shows. Go to the shows, you New Yorkers. Great to talk to the shows they're going to be good shows go to the shows you new yorkers uh great to talk to you guy i will see you soon for a bad movie watch because i've heard that no one's doing that on the podcast medium yet so i thought we've really we've got a chance to zip in there do something a bit new and special yeah buddy bad movie reviews i like the sound of that have a good one everybody everybody. Stay safe. Bye, friends.

Well, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy. Come to the friend zone. And have a good time. Yes, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy. Because making friends is the best idea of all time.