The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Seventy Two

Episode Date: July 28, 2018

Well it's the 72nd Friendzone and it's a beautiful time in winter New Zealand and summer New York City. Guy's been hosting some kiwi pals stateside and Timbo's gearing up for a trip to Asia BUT IT'S ACTUALLY ALL ABOUT THE FAN MAIL! Some truly top notch communiques in the bag this 'zone, including a profanity-laden intro Tim loves, Deep Blue Sea flashbacks and a delightful story about people who watch movies repeatedly PROFESSIONALLY! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today... You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer... Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing.

Well it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Come to the friend zone And have a good time Yes it's the friend zone With Tim and Guy Hello and welcome to the Friend Zone. Safe space where myself, Carl Montgomery, and my esteemed friend, Tim Batt, have a conversation with not just one another, but with you, our nearest and dearest. I'm coming to you live from New York City at 7pm on a Monday.

Tim, what's happening in your corner of the world? This is Young Timbo coming to you live and direct from Auckland, New Zealand. It's 11.02 in the morning, beautiful sunny day here. We're in the middle of winter, guys, so we've got that gorgeous low-hanging sun that just seems to pierce through the environment to give you those gorgeous rays when the air is chilly and hits in just such a way that produces a lovely light. I love the light of winter, you know.

What can I say? I'm a sucker for winter light. You're a classicist, Tim. You love golden hour, whether be a morning or by night you love the winter light uh what's happening in your life man how are you going what's it what's happening in my life um counting down to a trip to vietnam and bali for a honeymoon that'll be cool uh that's happening very shortly uh never been to to or Vietnam, so I'm excited about that. What else? Just been wrapping up a little web series that I've been making for months and months and months, Guy.

Oh, boy, has it stretched on and on and had a lot of problems, but I'm very proud of what we've managed to get out, which is the Male Gaze web series adapted from the podcast. It's good stuff, and it's out there after a small battle with me with the TV network it is available for the masses on YouTube without Geoblock well that is

outstanding news and a show that I've watched the first few episodes of and thoroughly enjoyed in fact one of the two hosts of that show Eli Mathewson is presently in New York City. After we finish this record, I'm going to go and meet him for a little meal I like to call dinner. How has it been hosting some good old Kiwi?

Because that's not the only Kiwi that you've had there with you. That is correct. Alice Sneddon has recently flown the coup, as recently as about an hour ago. It's been a joy, can I be honest? We've had a lot of laughs. We had a lot of laughs. Because of the heat of the house and the lack of a central air conditioning unit,

Alice and I have been bedfellows and we made a pretty formidable team. A few nights, can I say this, we probably stayed up a little too late from all of the laughing. Real slumber party vibes. honestly a fantastic guest she bought me a beautiful house plant um she bought a a water jug with a filter in it for our fridge we've been running a pretty tight ice game but to have chilled water on hand as well i mean we are living in the lap of luxury

and she's off to edinburgh to chase her dream of spending all of her money somewhere in the UK in the space of less than a month. I wish her all the best. Her show is called Self-Titled, and I can assure you that I think Alice is one of the funniest comedians in New Zealand right now. So if you are in Edinburgh and listening along, I highly recommend that show. Alongside all of our other, you know,

Little Empire and New Zealand Associates, Eli Matheson included is taking his show. I'm not sure what one it's called. Probably The Year of Magical Fucking. Also worth a look. I think he might be taking an inconvenient puff, perhaps. But I could be wrong on that. I don't know.

Look, let's dwell on our other friends dote on them if we shall because they've gotten in touch with us guy and they're droves can i speak to daniel do we have a d in the crowd do we have a a dorothy a dan a don uh it's daniel mr Mr John Edwards please proceed I don't have a secret family how dare you I'm on the level I tell you swing and a miss you bastards I don't know if you remember me but a year and a half ago I was listening to the potty when my phone suddenly

restarted and my SD card was broken losing many precious photos and costing me some money to replace have I read this one before guy not that i can recall maybe i'm remembering the original fucking email the memories coming back well a couple of weeks ago on the 24th anniversary of my birth no less while i was getting a filling at the dentist it happened again while i was listening to your new overlooked and undercooked venture. Sure, you might say that this is an example of the countless hours of entertainment you boys have provided me, and just by sheer volume your party has coincided with playing during both of these incidents. However, I'm pretty sure the truth is that your dulcet kiwi tones were too

much for my American SD cards to handle, and my SD cards swooned themselves to death. to handle and my SD cards swooned themselves to death. Either way, it is definitely your fault, you bastards. And about the real Rob, I thought you were exaggerating about the lighting, but even on my crappy TV, the eyes were just so eerily blue. I could only make it half an episode before I gave up. You boys are good, strong boys boys real american goddamn heroes if i were president i'd give you two the medal of honor say my name daniel thompson the medal of honor guy you used to get uncomfortable when i said we were in the trenches how do you figure that well the medal of honor is a turn of phrase i've had to grow increasingly comfortable with over the duration of my side hustle hosting the popular television show and much maligned, might I say, Fail Army,

a show I have co-written and hosted and voiced 100 episodes of with Joseph Moore. You guys briefly got the bump for another show in New Zealand, but that show didn't perform so well and now everyone was furious about that and now everyone's furious that you're back in that time slot as i understand it no one i've come across has expressed anything but praise and happiness that the video boys are back in their rightful slot anchoring the very important comedy lineup on tv3 9 45 pm if you are lucky enough to be in new

zealand be sure to give it a watch all of this to say the turn of phrase medal of honor is something i've had to grow uh to love as on every single episode at the end of the compilation of videos we have no creative control over choosing how they are put together or edited uh there is a compilation called the Medal of Honor where we give out three Medals of Honor to the three purportedly best, most humorous or painful videos from that night's episode. I mean, so you'd think.

They appear to be chosen at total random. Honestly... I feel like people are getting a real look behind the curtain of the New Zealand television industry this year, which I love. The entire industry doesn't work under the same sort of rules and regulations as Fail Army, which I've got to say,

I don't think any of the superiors have read a script that we've written or watched a hot dang second of what we're making, because we have pushed the envelope as far as we can and they keep on commissioning more episodes it is the cheapest show they can make uh it's thoughtless

almost it it rates its absolute pants off and uh i hope i haven't overplayed my hand but uh it's also gone some ways to bankrolling uh you know certain parts of my lifestyle like the ability to move to america uh so uh if you listening, any of the executives at TV3, and you're thinking about squeezing the trigger on another 20 episodes, I will happily come back for the month of your choosing to withdraw from the sweet, sweet Bank of New Zealand and fail army once more,

as I continue to misguidedly and boneheadedly chase my dream of succeeding in comedy here in America. Tim Anthony Madej writes, Yeah. Hey, boys. I just finished listening to the We Are Your Friends episode 60 and wanted to send a quick thank you. I'm a Kiwi that's been living in Montreal for the past two years,

which is both fun and difficult at times. So it's been a delight to listen to your podcast whenever I've been feeling a little homesick and in the need of some homely culture particularly when you seem to have fully avoided what i consider the least enjoyable part of being a new zeander the occasional hyper masculinity if you don't know what i mean the phrase harden up is used all too often but maybe that's just my experience i digress Thank you for enduring such a project in the name of art and for all the enjoyable hours of content you've produced and I hope that shining lights are plentiful now that it's all over. Thanks again, Anthony.

P.S. I don't know whether the friendzone is still going on, but if so, you can say my name. You don't have to read the P.S. Also, if you happen to be in Montreal, I know the best weed guy in the city to ensure this visit is enjoyable. I'll even pay. Well, before we get to the message, I'd quickly like to say to Anthony and anyone else listening along in Montreal,

I'm actually going to be there performing a stand-up show very soon at a place called Bar Loic. I don't quite know how to pronounce that. It's L-O-I-C. Le Quoi? No, no, no, not like that. It's not. Please, not like this uh on august the 4th which is a friday i believe uh so that's you know about two weeks away no it's a it's a saturday night august the 4th

uh tickets are on sale now um if you google guy montgomery montreal i assume you'll find them i know that it's right after just for laughs a festival for which I did not get booked, but I'm doing it anyway. Somebody stop me. Wait, what do you mean? What does that mean? Well, it's just by coincidence. Like, I'm going up to do a show the week after Just for Laughs finishes,

so I imagine that the people of Montreal probably will have had more than their fix of comedy, and then I swan into town riding riding a train bareback, no less, and try and persuade, you know, those left over who haven't been satiated by the unrelenting laughter of 47 Netflix specials being recorded simultaneously. August 4th, Guy Montgomery performs stand-up at Bar Loic, which is in the 5001 Notre Dame Street West in Montreal.

Do you get the sense that Netflix are on a mission to get all of the subscription money that they get from their global membership and piss it away on comedy specials? Because that's what it's starting to feel like to me you'd think so but the thing is comedy specials are so cheap to produce i mean they're gonna have to work so much harder to piss away the sheer volume of money that they must be accruing um the problem is i think everyone's built on the same day of the month, so they're going to make a thousand comedy specials, but then it's the first of the month again

and all the money gets dumped back in their bank account. I assume this is how it works. And they have to go and spend all of those millions of dollars again. Yeah. Well, I mean, I will say this. I do think and have for some time thought that what the world is really missing in these torrid and trying times is 47 half hours of stand-up comedy released simultaneously on one streaming network.

So, you know, the world waits with bated breath. But I'd like to say a huge... Was that no exaggeration? Hold on. The 47 specials figure, is that a legit number? I think you plucked that from your rear end. No, no, no. That's what's happening.

Wow. Fuck. Some would call it a bubble. Anyway, another message? Thank you to Anthony. Well, I'd just like to say thanks, Anthony. I will be there for that weekend. I don't know.

I can't guarantee that I'll see you. I've got multiple friends to catch up with I used to live there briefly myself but I'll make the effort hopefully I'll see you at the show if not elsewhere to smoke some of the that good karma that good marijuana and the great words of New Zealand band Catchafire hi Guy McFucked Guy and Tim probably probably top five that i've ever heard actually guy mcfuck guy and tim sounds like something you wrote it does isn't it i'm a long time listener first time caller before today i thought the party was a safe space that wasn't until i listened to the last friend zone barely two minutes in, Deep Blue Sea was brought up over

a mischaracterisation which led to a flood of horrifying, nightmarish visions from my childhood. When I was four, my parents uprooted me from New Zealand to the shores of Turkey. Because there weren't any English-speaking schools, I was dropped into a Turkish class where I had to learn Turkish in order to avoid the torrent of

older kids over Gallipoli. The torment of older kids over Gallipoli. Ah, the torment of older kids over Gallipoli. Fast forward two years, my parents took the family... God, kids tease rough. Yeah, should we just hit pause and explain what that Gallipoli reference is for a moment? I think maybe, for our international audience. So New Zealand has a...

One of our sort of national days of remembrance is Anzac Day, which speaks to a battle that happened in World War I where the New Zealand and Australian joint forces landed on the beaches of Gallipoli and got absolutely decimated. It was like a great military defeat for our side. And unfortunately, I should know this i don't know how many people were killed but i think it was in the hundreds of our countrymen were uh

mowed down and there is remembrance celebrations every year to um honor the the dead and um it's a it's a national uh today you ready okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer Today. You ready? Okay, let's go. The hunt for the wildest movie of the summer. Everybody run! Ends here. This is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately. Borderlands, now playing.

Holiday in New Zealand. It's a big deal. Yeah, the Brits famously hung us out to dry as they said, come on lads, this is the beach. Little were we to know that the enemy were there ready to pick us off. You know, as was their want, it was their beach. But certainly the notion that Turkish school children

use that to taunt New Zealanders is sort of pretty even split to me between comical and absolutely harrowing yeah yeah it's a bit much uh okay so now we're all caught up fast forward two years my parents took the family out for a forced fun trip to the movies dad decided that it would be a good idea to see deep Blue Sea and was set on it. The poor movie attendant tried to explain through me that the movie was highly inappropriate for a six-year-old, which I then relayed to my dad, who couldn't speak any Turkish. Never one to step down, Dad insisted, and I had to endure the worst 90 minutes of my life. For years to follow, I was absolutely, absolutely terrified of the ocean and the unknown.

I have since come to terms with it. years to follow i was absolutely absolutely terrified of the ocean and the unknown i have since come to terms with it i thought deep blue seas sheer mediocrity as a film would mean that it would never necessitate any mention in my conversation uh in any conversation but you've since proved me wrong i will remain a dedicated listener but from this day forward i will listen a little bit closer on the edge of my seat keep up up the painstaking work. Always good to see two good boys waving the Kiwi flag. Say my name. Belu Seamus. Belu?

B-E-L-L-E-W. Yeah, I mean, whatever works, man. I think Seamus is his first name, judging by how his email address is constructed, but it's flipped around in Gmail. Seamus, what a tale. I'm so sorry that we brought up some terrible memories. They did really fuck you up as a kid

if you saw that movie too young. God, people get eaten by sharks for crying out loud. Sharks are scary enough as it is. So you don't really need the additional fuel on the fire of being terrified. Your imagination is capable of letting the fire of being terrified like you know your imagination is capable of letting the idea of sharks run riot uh pretty much from you know when you first discover they exist until your i would say during or post adolescence so as a six-year-old to have

the best or second best shark movie i haven't seen jaws uh dangled in your face would really put the fear of fucking sharks in you it also sucks that that nightmare association has come to you from a film that from memory wasn't particularly well made there's a sort of a badge of honor about getting a fear of sharks from jaws because it's such a great film but getting it from deep blue sea? How quickly we forget. I was seeing this movie's praises last time we spoke, Tim. It is a fantastic bit of cinema. Truly an A plus B movie.

Like Jaws and Jurassic Park for the kind of modern era. I've got a question here. It's just a short one from a guy named Ryan who's asking if the Grown Ups 2 scripted performance, the original recording ever got released, which the original recording would have been us in the town hall at Grey Lynn with a cast of very funny New Zealand comics.

That spanned three hours and was a fundraiser for the night and that night alone. So that one was never released. There is still, however, a recording we did in conjunction with Ben's Akron Blacker of the Thrilling Adventure Hour featuring an all-star cast headlined by Busy Phillips and Adam Sandler for the ages. I'm not misremembering this. Melanie Linsky's in that, right? Melanie Linsky and Jason Ritter,

real-life partners to this day. What the fuck, man? We were on a heady trajectory. What happened to us? What are you talking about? We're still gone. I guess so. It just doesn't feel quite as good.

I actually forwarded you a big juicy email over there, guy, if you want to grab it. With pleasure. I'm just getting Gmail up and running over on the computer here we go can i say as well melanie linsky and jason ritter they were so lovely they were so nice everyone was but i was a bit i was a bit starstruck i was running around trying to make sure that the recording would be all right and uh god they just everyone couldn't have been nicer i just quickly like to delve back into one of my favorite memories from one of our shared trips to la tim and forgive me if i've told this on the podcast before but uh you and i were doing an interview

with the fantastic interviewer and writer kenneth ar, who was running for the AV Club at the time. We were in a corner coffee shop, and you were in the throes of a diatribe explaining the New Zealand culture and the respect and reverence with which we treat celebrities, whereby if they had to visit our country, we have a no-nonsense, put-our-heads-down-and-let-them-enjoy-themself sort of attitude. In fact, you went so far as to decry celebrity culture and suggest the idea of fawning over celebrities is wasted time for all and sundry in the midst of this monologue one kiefer sutherland walks into the coffee shop and you interrupt your own train of thought specifying that this is the sort of behaviour you love to denigrate to say holy shit

that's Kiefer Sutherland and you jump up and follow him out of the coffee shop one of the most inspired moves in the history of conversation yeah the comic timing was it delivered from the universe

itself that was amazing we were in Los Felis in a lovely big sunny cafe and he walked in the front door he was like 20 meters away and i was like this is a big fish i ain't letting this one get away it was weird he took off his sunglasses he looked around and then decided it wasn't for him and walked back out and i fucking ran after him but he managed to get back across the other side of the street and in his very nice sports car too quickly for me to obtain uh some sort of evidence that the event had transpired vis-a-vis a autograph or a photo perhaps mate i was a big 24 fan what can i say you know we're all we're all hypocrites aren't we well the timing of the the timing of the moment was too much to me.

I loved it. So anyway, the email is as follows. Subject, I saw this article on NPR and thought of you boys. Dear Spindly, Timbly and Flash, I recently heard a report on NPR that reminded me of you brave boys. There's a link to an article that i've tried to open it says page not found but i can deduce from the link that the headline is day job mastering quality control technician uh thankfully we've been given a debrief beneath it it turns out that the last

step in the editing process for a hollywood film is to have some unfortunate soul grandiosely titled a mastering quality control technician, watch the completed project over and over again to catch any tiny errors that may have slipped past the editor. To quote Casey Treller, the man interviewed in the report, I've watched Transformers 2 at least 15 times. Every episode of Star Trek multiple times in multiple languages. Every day I get up and drive to a little office park in Burbank and I watch tv and movies and i look for mistakes in them eight to ten hours a day these quotes in particular called to mind the darkest days of the worst that ever all time quote if you watch

something more than once there's a sort of specific fatigue that sets in where you're dreading knowing what happens and you just want to get to the end of it end quote new quote it made me feel sick towards the end it made my body feel bad. End quote. But the parallels don't end there. Instead of starting a podcast, this brave boy, along with some co-workers, started a band to express their rage against the Hollywood machine. This group, Happy Campers in 3D, bases their music around, quote, diving maybe too deeply into the world of the Friday the 13th series.

End quote. Perhaps you see where I'm going with this if every Hollywood feature goes through this process there must be a group of people who have also watched grown-ups to sex in city 2 or we are your friends an unhealthy number of times imagine if you could get in touch with them did they catch what really happened to be see me's arms perhaps new insights into coffee guys mission maybe one of them was able to figure out if Sikoli and Emily Radzikowski had sex in that hotel room well i can answer that one for your friend it's certainly a no i don't know if it's any comfort that you were never alone in your dark quest but remember when you walk along the beach of your memories when there were more

footprints casey treller and the rest of the master and quality control technicians were walking with you i'm proud to hashtag paytheboys through Patreon, and as long as you keep putting out podcasts and friend zones, I'll keep listening. Say my name, you beautiful Kiwis. Eli Smith. Eli, thank you so much. That was a joy to read, beautifully written, and a fascinating tale.

A real 10 out of 10. Great content, well presented. And the quotes that you, thank God you had put them in the body of the email in addition to them being in the article we can't get up. Because I tell you what, that could have been words,

those could have been words out of my own mouth. The sentiment was exactly the same. It makes my body feel bad. I mean, that's truly where we were at particularly sex in the city no those second two those second two quotes i'm fairly certain were our quote it was us huh i i imagine so the way i i interpret it was certainly as such um while i'm here also i just could like to say that we got hold on hold on i would just these quotes in particular call to mind the darkest days of the worst idea of all time While I'm here also, I just could like to say that we've got to send out... No, hold on, hold on.

These quotes in particular call to mind the darkest days of the worst day of all time. I reckon this is from the article... God, this is such a good mystery because we can't get the page to open. I think you're right. I might have misinterpreted it. But I mean, the crossover is so strong that neither of us can fucking tell. So there you go. There you are. I also just have this article i'd like to shout out uh from jimmy who just sent a link saying check this patty got his own lead in a

film with a smiley face uh and it is a fair to middling review of midnight sun the movie where he plays the partner of a teenage girl with a rare genetic disorder that makes her skin unable to repair uv damage meaning she can only go outside at night um he plays probably the the understanding at some points long-suffering and eventually a very fulfilled partner of the girl with the disease it sounds like twilight with lower stakes if i'm being honest i fell into a bit of a hole with that movie a few weeks ago when it was first that i think the trailer got put up and some people were sending me that on twitter and it's got a lot of criticism for uh copying a movie that came before it by about three years or so um to a very very very specific level So it sounds like this is one of those movies that sort of aped another successful teen film

in a bit of a cash grab, and unfortunately our boy Paddy's been caught in the crossfire. But never fear. Blaze Pizza stocks have never been looking more promising than they are right now. Surely if ever there was a time for those unholy bastards of the pizza oven to finally pay their dues, it's right now.

I mean, they've got franchises and cash coming out of all Orify. A little bloody pocket change for some of the original boys. You know, before there was LeBron, there was Tim and Guy. And I just wish that Blaze Pizza could respect that. After there was Paddy, but before there was LeBron. i just wish that blaze pizza could respect that after there was patty but before there was lebron i couldn't agree more uh i can't imagine they're still listening but if they are we'll take anything yeah we will i mean last time we met we took a few vouchers off them but that didn't serve me very well because i had to get on a plane to come back to new zealand but uh checks are good uh paypal look i'll learn how to get a bitcoin wallet to come back to New Zealand. But checks are good.

PayPal, look, I'll learn how to get a Bitcoin wallet if that's what it comes to. Let's sort out the details offline though, boys. Good stuff. Righto. Are you got any more correspondence there, my man? I think that might be it. I think the well is dry for now, guy. And I actually, unfortunately unfortunately need to probably go

sadly some other work beckons no worries sadly some work beckons uh well my friend i'd like to say this to you a pleasure as always uh thank you so much everyone who wrote us uh please keep an ear out keep an eye out uh send us stuff go to facebook.com slash worst idea of all time and send us a message if you've never sent one before this is how it works you just send us one and then we'll read it on here tell us where you are maybe what you do while you're listening um any little questions that you've ever had about the podcast and uh we're happy to answer them i don't think we've ever pre-screened an email before on reading this i'm lucky i think it's unbelievable that we haven't gotten more trouble than we have through the history of these blind readings

of emails that come through to us we're like ron burgundy but luckily we don't have any rambunctious bosses or co-workers trying to, you know, ankle tap us. Look, there are good folks out there and you're a good folk. And, man, I've got to take a piss so badly. Cool, man. Hey, you enjoy it. Yeah, you too.

You enjoy knowing I'm taking a good piss. Will do. Fare thee well, Guy Montgomery. See ya. Well, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone. And have a good time, yes, it's the friend zone. With Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time.

Today. you ready? okay let's go the hunt for the wildest movie of the summer everybody run ends here this is your super friendly and not aggressive reminder to buy tickets immediately Borderlands now playing