The Worst Idea Of All Time - Friendzone Sixty Four

Episode Date: January 21, 2018

THE BOYZ ARE BACK! Guy's feeling under the weather but the people miss his cyst. Timbo is just Timbo. In this Friendzone, we've got answers to Jewish questions correspondence from across continents and great rugby knowledge from Old Monty. Plus; The future of this podcast. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, come to the friend zone, and have a good time, yes it's the friend zone, with Tim and Guy, cause making friends is the best idea of all time. Hello and welcome along to the friend zone, a place of friendship that lives on for time immemorial. We're back babies. for time immemorial. We're back, babies. That's right. I'm recording this. For those of you who are curious,

I'm just discovering the acoustics right now in my little squirrel running across the rooftop there in a bedroom. Not the bedroom in which you've previously heard me record. Two blocks from there, the corner of Jefferson and Nostrand Avenue in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn, New York City. And the walls are a little bouncy, so I might climb under a sweatshirt or a sheet, maybe even a whole duvet to try and maintain the

integrity of audio quality that we strive for here at Worst Idea of All Time Industries. Tim, how are you? Guy, I am taken aback by your commitment to superior audio quality. I did not see that coming. I've learned from one of the people who sometimes cares about it tim that's me that was you correct guy we haven't spoken in a while how are you how's things uh they're good man i am good we haven't spoken for we have pretty much after spending as much time as i think even in our stor storied history of spending time together, after spending

as much time consecutively in one another's pockets, for as long as I can recall, we have more or less gone cold turkey. We've both cast each other aside and been trying to navigate the big bad world solo, and it's gone okay. Ups and downs, highs and lows. How are you? Solo and it's gone okay Ups and downs, highs and lows, how are you? I've survived It's been tricky But it's important for a young man I think to figure out

How to get by in this world without his Guybo at some stage And it turns out that time is now I'll tell you something that happened to me Off of Mayguy actually Which is sort of undercutting What I'm saying that i'm able to get around in the world okay without you permission granted cracked my screen you were

there when it happened on my cell phone coming out of a cab dropped onto the pavement um inquired as to how much the process would uh cost a professional to fix the problem. Too much for Timbo. Too rich for my blood. So I thought, you know what? I reckon I can do this. So I bought a little kit online, and last night, after about six or seven beers, I attempted to figure the damn thing out

and broke the phone completely. So I've turned what would be about a $300 problem into about a sort of $800 or $900 problem, which will end with me getting a new phone today. Oh my gosh, that is... Do you know that that perfectly sort of captures the difference between us? I am a man who, if possible, will always outsource to the professionals uh and you are a man who will see something like that and say do you know what i can do this and uh i would say it's not always true to your credit i would say seven times maybe even eight times out of ten

you uh you prove yourself right but it's these it's these other moments where you really you wear it don't you this was the eight um but hey you know what life's not all bad it is such balmy weather here in new zealand i can't tell you guy you've probably forgotten what the sun looks like i imagine no we still have the sun here it's just has this you know it has an inability to generate heat i've got to tell you tim this two-week stretch that i've just been through here in New York City has been one of the most sensationally consistently cold stretches of weather in my living memory. Like, just as a baseline, negative 10 every day. What does that do to a man?

Do you know what? It's actually okay, you know. If you live near a subway stop and you've got good socks and long johns, very important. I have been wearing sneakers through this weather, and that has been my downfall. I've experienced a lot of cold, wet toes, but I still have all of my extremities.

So, you know, that New Zealand DNA triumph triumphs once again it's been all right i've always said that a winter you can escape from with the same number of toes that you started with is a successful winter it's not the most catchy of phrases uh but as you well know i have always said that for a lot of people that this is just a truism like you know there are so many other significant events that can take place in one's life, which would make a winter a success or a failure. But you're such a simple man. Yeah.

I respect that. Also, as I said just before we started recording, I actually, I've survived very well so far, but I don't feel 100 per right now. So just if I don't sound particularly chipperipper if i don't read some of these messages out with the usual vim and vigor uh rest assured i would love to i'm just um i'm just it's almost not worth mentioning but it's just for me to sort of qualify what i'm about to do it's like when you see a comedian say here we'll try a new one and you're like just fucking sell it like an old one yeah and we'll we'll figure it out don't you know so i've taken the the easy road out here uh i'll never forgive you for it

but what i will do is we're going to dive into our first message from a person with a real cool name um how do you pronounce it i'm so glad you asked lucia lucia yeah lucia i reckon depends where you're from i guess um here it is dear guy bartholomew henry barry allen montgomery and tim tam shotgun bat thank you good boys for everything you have suffered for the sake of us plebs and i hope this comes through before the sad but necessary end. I will hasten to add at this point, Guy, this was sent at the very end of November. I wanted to let you know...

Hypothetically, you did the right thing, but due to... due to tooting myself, you know, we only unpack it now. I just wanted to let you know that you've helped me through hours of boring it work and anxiety traveling across continents alone without you uh oh sorry although you sound nothing like my american south home you two have definitely made me feel like home at difficult times and i can't express how much i appreciate that funny thing the first

time i listened to you uh good good potty was on an hour drive from raleigh north carolina early this year for a protest coincidence probably hope your futures are filled with much less agony say my name lucia or lucia or whatever ps bartholomew henry barry allen is the flash's real name and a tim tam shotgun is when you drink a hot liquid through tim tam oh i love that i um what who is this is this person from america or england well they said that they were from the south the american south what the how do they know about Tim Tams? Yeah, that's trusted information. We've got that stuff on lock away from the Yanks, I thought.

Yeah, that's sacred. Well, thank you so much for the message. I hope you enjoyed your time in Raleigh. And, yeah, happy to do our bit. I wonder what the IT work was. Maybe dealing with security of emails. Maybe that's how the Tim Tam information got out. It was Hillary Clinton's emails.

Seems unlikely, but I love where your head's at. I should really be supporting you. But instead, I'm just going to read a different message. Very good. Howdy, Tim Zanbrook and Guyam Henry. Those are rugby-based puns. Zin Zanbrook, one of the greatest number eights to play the game. He had a very threatening dropkick actually from anywhere as far from the post as 50 metres.

And of course Guyam Henry, after Graham Henry, the greatest All Blacks coach we've ever had. With all due respect to Steve Hansen. I hope you appreciate the... Why would you do that to Steve Hansen, actually? What's your beef? Nothing. I just think Graham Henry's the best coach we've had. I mean, it's also like Steve Hansen's still active. Yeah.

Hard to get that legend status when you're still in the game, huh? Exactly. It's like, you know that Captain Richie McCourt refused a knighthood while he was still an active rugby player because he thought that all the other boys would fuck him up. That was his stated reason. Yeah, that's exactly what he said. Okay.

I hope you appreciate the rugby-themed spin of your names. Although I don't really much care for sports, I just wanted to look cool and creative in front of you cats. I just thought I'd flick you dudes a little message and thank you for committing to this reckless and ill-advised undertaking we've all come to know and love as Worst Idea. I'd just like to take this time to humbly brag that I've been with you boys from the very beginning,

as I followed you two on from the ye olde TVNZU days. I was pretty gutted when that channel ended, so it was wonderful to have Worst Idea as a sort of spin-off. Big claim in parenthesis. The poddies brought me so much joy, so much laughter, so much Sandler, and so many unwanted thoughts about three films I don't ever care to watch.

You two are mad, but I'm thankful we got to listen uh listen into it unfolding many kisses for that always gifts and very affordable for the festive season don't you know live every moment love every day get some goddamn fresh air say my name because it's the only one i've got renee church well renee do you know i actually actually remember engaging with you on the TVNZU app when you used to watch You Late. And of course, we brought into one another from time to time around the comedy scene in Auckland, New Zealand. So thank you so much for your fandom, if you can call it that. But mostly thank you for this very kind message, for which I am very grateful.

Tim might not be, but he's a real piece of work, that boy. The name Renee Church rung such a bell that I googled her, and it turns out I know exactly who she is. She writes for The Spin-Off. She's just a top person, a top Kiwi. Yeah, one and the same. She's right about fresh air. Right now I feel stifled, you know?

Fuck you, man. I feel wanting for O2. You've been just lounging about like a lizard in the sun. You want to talk about, you know, wanting fresh air, although the crisp winter air is fantastic, but when it's negative 10, it sort of limits the amount of time you're willing to spend in the great outdoors.

I guess so, and I guess now you consider New York City it sort of limits the amount of time you're willing to spend in the great outdoors uh i guess so and i i guess now you consider new york city the concrete jungle the great outdoors huh uh here's the thing guy and i have drawn the short straw on behalf of new zealand uh to give you this news you've changed dude and you need to really pull your socks up before you get back here because a lot of people talking about it a lot of people aren't happy with you and your attitude i'm cool guy cool nice guy you've changed the change has happened same me dude same me you keep saying that but it's demonstrably not the case and here is is a message from Elijah. Dear Tim and Guy, I'm terrible at nicknames.

I've never been the type to want to yell something out during a live performance, but I was at the New York live show when you and your wonderful guest, Maeve Higgins, discussed the relationship of Jewish people to heaven, and I could hardly keep silent. Boy, did you come to the right place, i.e. New York, to raise that line of inquiry. As a Jew myself, part of why I couldn't yell out during the show where did you come to the right place, i.e. New York, to raise that line of inquiry. As a Jew myself, part of why I couldn't yell out during the show is that it would have taken at least 20 minutes to do so, but here is the short version. The basic Jewish take on the afterlife can be summed up as, hey, we'll see when we get there.

But more specifically, in our ancient history, there was only hell. However, hell wasn't bad exactly, just kind of like the basement where everyone went. This has gotten expanded on throughout the millennia, but we've never had the kind of fixation on heaven and a post-death reward that Christians do. If, however, Squirrel exists in a purely Christian cosmology, likely, then he could technically go to heaven, but only if he never committed any sins

in his life this is at least what i've been led to believe by evangelicals who wanted me to know that being jewish didn't technically rule out heaven for me i haven't seen the movie but based on your description i don't think he would qualify anyway it was lovely to see you boys in person for a second time and please know that because i work a night shift i actually took a vacation day to see you note also that americans get very few vacation days say my name hugs and always a gift kisses elijah kinch specter thank you for that informative uh message and thank you for taking... I know that you don't get many holiday days. So thank you for taking that time off.

You didn't speak out about whether or not you deemed it worthwhile. I think that was inferred. Yeah, but you're a cocky little shit. Me or Elijah? You. Elijah's a gentleman and a scholar. A theologian of sorts as well. Yeah, he has a weighty intellect.

Or as close as we will get. Elijah, on behalf of Guy and myself, thank you so much for taking a day off and coming to see the show, man. That's so great. And also, while I'm here, what a funny turn of phrase, on behalf of someone and myself.

You're talking, dude. We get it you know i i've always thought that's crazy on behalf of i remember in school assemblies when someone would be when someone like the school would thank someone and some fucking delegate would go up on stage and be like on behalf of uh the entire school you know body and myself and i was like fucking come on motherfucker you don't speak for me i never respected that person i mean i might have you know anyway you should have interjected when the school had guests and said this man speaks not for me god it was such a

rigid school everything was so tight i remember the funniest one was when we had a guest i can't remember who i think it was like for me a deputy prime minister uh michael cullen oh wow because he was alumni and um he was there for some reason and then uh one of the uh like a an intra-school competition you know like from amongst the houses like Harry Potter one of the houses called Condor's House won some sort of prize and the delegate who was sent up to accept the prize was, he was the funniest kid when I was in school, I always thought he was very funny, his name was

Sam Stewart and he walked up on stage, he'd been hitting the nuts before assembly and so he was walking funny and somehow someone said to him when you go up you should walk like that all the way up and so he was walking funny and somehow someone said to him when you go up you should walk like that all the way up and so he walked like he'd been hitting the nuts

all the way up onto the stage and all the way back down and it was like I mean it's such a small pathetic you know teenage gesture but holy shit that guy killed I'll bet

that at an all boys school would have uh i can only imagine it would have brought the house down the best part was because the all of the teachers would have to sit on the stage and so you watch this divide amongst the the faculty of half the teachers who couldn't resist you know a juvenile explosion of laughter and then the other more high-end teachers who were like you just watch them as they've seethed with rage anyway i love it hey what became of sam do you know what i don't know i'd run into him every now and then last i saw on instagram he was on a beach in the mediterranean so that's so good because i had him pegged for a banker in my head but that doesn't

sound like banker behaviour What are you talking about? Bankers love the Mediterranean They save up all their money How do bankers make money? Do they just take like for every $100 you deposit They take $1? Because if that's the case

Man, we should go into banking Should that be our next venture, guys? Should we start a bank? Yeah, I think that sounds like a foolproof idea yeah i think it seems like a really good idea you just need a little bit of capital to get started okay just a little a little wee bit guy just a little bit of money just a little bit of money farewell tim and guy review rangers just thought I'd ask a question about my own experiment. Like all normal people. Hey, did you

get what he was doing there with that intro? It was Chip and Dale. It was the Chip and Dale intro that goes Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers. No, I don't know Chip and Dale. A couple of chipmunks. I guessed as much uh just thought i'd

ask a question about my own experiment like all normal people i watch die hard every christmas but this year i challenged myself to watch it every day in the advent calendar to see if it ever gets old oh boy it hasn't so this message was received on the 13th of december by the way right it hasn't so far but i finished work at 6 a.m this morning and i don't think i'm awake enough to last through today's viewing is it cheating if i watch it twice on another day or have i officially failed the challenge i figured if anyone knows it would be you too it's not like i can just make up the rules to this pointless exercise as I go. Also, I'd suggest listening to my podcast Die Hard with a Bingeance,

but it doesn't exist because I'm not recording my notes in any way, so you'll just have to hang outside my window and eavesdrop on me talking to myself like everyone else in my asylum. Whatever project you boys do next, you can be sure we'll all rally, spelt R-A-L-E-I-G-H,

behind you. Yippee-ki-yay motherfuckers so long and thanks for all the fish regular correspondent Guy Incognito Guy I think you sort of

answered your own question in that message there there's no right or wrong way to go I think like falling asleep while watching it and then doubling up

another day is fine I think it's asleep while watching it and then doubling up another day is fine. I think it's like no one could challenge or question your commitment if that's what happens. If you actually went to the trouble of trying to get through a screening and fell asleep and then still picked up and watched it again, you know, that's as good as any viewing in my book. Yours, please, Tim.

I love it. I hereby declare that you're in the clear with this so we'll just catch up post this information back to the 13th of december 2017 there you go you bravely marched on here's another one from november uh henry writes here's another one from november uh henry writes dear timbrene an acoustic guitar or guitar rather i fucked it up guy in record time on the latest friendzone episode you were saying various homophones to see if they actually sounded the same spoiler alert they did that's what homophones are and at one point tim said tim said the phrase peer and peer and noted that it felt like something was different between them uh the spelling of the first was p e e r and the second p a i r this is because in the new zealand accent for the most part the letter r is silent when it's

at the end of a syllable e.. car park is pronounced like car park. I tried to sub in H's, but I'm a Kiwi, obviously it's hard. However, there is a caveat to this rule. The R is pronounced and followed immediately by a vowel. This is to provide clarity and prevent the vowels from running into each other, but it is done on such an intuitive level that most Kiwis don't realize they're doing it. For example, the word timber, when it's said on its own, has no R sound at the end, but the phrase timber and nails does use an R sound in the middle. This does have a strange side effect of causing the R sound to pop up in unexpected

places sometimes. For example, the phrase how old will often be said as how are old in the Kiwi accent, especially in casual casual conversation because it feels more natural to space out the vowels with an r just some musings on the quirks of our accent not sure if it's friendzone worthy but there you go say my name henry thank you henry definitely friendzone worthy i mean have you listened to this other fucking tat we've been sent in yeah i mean tat is right it's positively dwindling in quality uh it's we we each letter worse than the last we kid we kid you guys i'm so grateful for these letters they're lovely they'll pick me up actually it's good as well tim yeah you too man what was that a discussion on was it wasn't quite etymology it was language and pronunciation

phonetics phonetics perfect lovely henry the phoneticist and to think that people don't think i'm smarter than you hey tim i love that that chip on your shoulder is still firmly intact long may it remain just as a little interlude in the friend zone have you written any jokes lately guy let me tell you something for the last five or six days i have been uh getting up and for between one and two hours going to a cafe and sitting down with a notebook and free writing and it has produced a couple of goodies would you like to share any of them or no? No, they are not ready yet That's fair enough But I do have a gig tonight And in Auckland on a Wednesday

That means it's Big Wednesday Which is a great gig where you get to try new material And see if anyone gives a shit Do you want to hear a great sketch idea I had? Love to hear it So it's set in a kitchen And it's a bunch of cooks and they're introducing themselves

to their new boss, the new head chef. And someone says to the head chef, I'll be your sous chef. And then another more stupid chef says to the head chef, and I'll be your sous chef. And then another more stupid chef says to the head chef, and I'll be your Kevin chef. It's got him. He shoots, he scores.

Yeah. I mean, I couldn't hear you laughing, but I could hear myself laughing. So one out of two ain't half bad. Hey, Brolos, I'm resending this because I'm not sure I trust a PayPal message even in lieu of multiple eBay purchases. Dear Dainty Tim and Guy the... Hey, what is the contraction MTN? Mountain?

MTN. We'll go Mountain, yeah. I'm sending you one 20th of a Patrick King because I love you both, but I think I love your cyst more than you guy. Miss that ooh, what is

this word? My cyst? You like my cyst? Yeah, now there's a word here I'm going to spell it out for you. L-A-T-I-S-S-I-M-U-S Latissimus One more time please Latimus Latimus?

One more time spell it L-A-T Yeah I-I-S-S-I-M-U-S Latissimus dorsi What's that now? It's a muscle It's like your back it's your back muscle i think ah this guy's clever anyway he says that he misses that latissimus fuck boy i've been listening for a while now and i am not quite caught up so on the off chance you read this

in the friend zone i will get the great pleasure of hearing this in the future in any case i was just enjoying we are your friend uh yeah we are your friends episode 33 where timbo was in kyoto and i was personally reminiscing about that magical city and how i recently got engaged there to the most perfect lass at the top of fushimi inari shrine i feel like we've had this because i'm getting deja vu about someone getting... You got engaged in Kyoto, as did this person. Yeah, this... I mean, everyone... This is what everyone does.

Is that so? Yeah. Should I bail out? We definitely... This is the thing. It's been a long time between drinks, so I genuinely can't tell. But I think you're probably right so i'll say this to you andrew finally given that i now uh that i have lived in raleigh

most of my life i want you to know that you have pronounced it exactly right it is pronounced rayleigh perfect tim if anyone tells you otherwise they are certainly lying. Also of note, the adjacent town I live in now, Durham, is pronounced Doreham. Please be sure that people know this and feel free to use my name. So people of this great city of Doreham, and my patients, most of them over 65, not sure of what your target age range is, can know that I personally set you two Kiwis straight. Appreciate it. You know what's fun?

Henry, no, sorry, Andrew has spelt straight as in the typographical feature. Yeah, yeah, like straight of water. Yeah. Isn't that fun? That is fun. Hey, congrats on your engagement and thank you for the money ever so much andrew you absolutely legend and if we hadn't read your message before and it's just a coincidence that yet another couple who listened to the podcast were engaged in kyoto i must

apologize oh here's a nice quick one if i may oh god you're doing all of them uh this is quick alissa threw money at us and said love you guys you should partner with dave at barstool sports against blaze pizza hashtag pay the boys cool someone else hates them barstool sports it's a website isn't it you tell me i think it is barstool sports is a satirical sports and men's lifestyle blog founded by Dave Portnoy in Milton, Massachusetts. There you go. I've got one here for you. Goodbye, friends.

You're good boys. Kind boys. We'll all miss you. Take care, New York City guy. I know moving is hard. Whenever you doubt yourself or feel alone, you can remind yourself you've kept myself and thousands of others company for countless hours. And each of us think of you as good friends.

Your last companionship helped us get through some really tough periods in life. And I thank you for your time and dedication. We're all your friends and we're all around you. Love heart. And then as an acronym, but I know because I'm intelligent, live every moment, love every day.

That is from Eric. Thank you. Nice. Nice, Eric. Nice. I think that's all the mailbag for today. What do you think, Guy? Yeah, I've got a few more, but we'll do another one.

Oh, look, I've got a bunch more. Yeah, a whole bunch more more so what's going to happen from here on in folks and guy i'm sort of telling you this as well but i think we've talked about it briefly um you know broadly before is uh i'm going to get some not all some of the um content from the patreon and start putting it on this here podcast stream starting with our watch of jingle all the way now if you um join us on patreon we're going to be creating new content and you're going to get it you know between 12 and 6 months before everyone else um and there'll also be some some other exclusive stuff too we just got to get down there and make it our most recent venture was the discovery of a filmmaker called uh uh neil breen this is name a yeah yeah you got him we watched a movie called pass through and it was phenomenal um so look that's something to look forward to

uh whether you pay or not there'll be stuff happening on this stream. But if you want to get on there and pay the boys and really stick it to Blaze Pizza, you'll be getting other different stuff and stuff a bit faster. The boys live on. The boys will always live on in your hearts, minds, and interwebs. And, you know,

who knows what 2018 will bring for the boys. Happy New Year, Guy. I haven't said that to you happy new year to you too as well uh i know for me and i'll say this because i haven't actually managed to do an announcement yet it means that i will be touring my brand new comedy show through the antipodes so if you are in any of the following places brisbane melbourne sydney auckland or wellington you can actually i don't think you can in new zealand yet you can buy any of the following places. Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland or Wellington. You can, actually I don't think you can in New Zealand yet,

you can buy tickets to see my new show, Guy Montgomery Doesn't Check His Phone for an Hour. I'm also going to be in Sydney at the end of the month to do some improvised shows with Carlo Ricci from Hosting. So keep an eye out for that. Sounds phenomenal. So much happening. So much happening.

So much comedy. I'm going to go for a swim in the water. Fuck, I'm excited. Wait, where? In Sydney. Oh, I see. I thought you meant now. Good stuff.

Well, I'm going to go shower my disgusting pig body and then buy a new cell phone to atone for my stupidity. What a day, what a day. Lovely to talk to you, Tim, and thank you so much to all of our listeners for writing in. Thank you for your keen little ears and your lovely writing fingers. That is correct. Now, do you know actually what I have to do?

I'm not going to go swim in the water. I'm going to a book club tonight, Tim. Have you read a book? I've read half of it. I need to finish it. It's a pretty good book it's quite full-on name that book it's called the vegetarian and it's by an author called han kang uh is it is the subject matter about what the title would suggest

yeah sort of the yeah it's it's like three uh yeah it's it's not long it's like three, yeah, it's not long. It's like 200 pages, and it's a story told from three perspectives. But the first third of it, which I have concluded, is very much about a vegetarian and the ripples it sends through her immediate family. And it is a grizzly. Oh, boy. Well, there there you go i've never been to a book club before and look out oprah winfrey guy montgomery's recommending books now i'm not

recommending it i don't know a lot of the people i'm using this as like a social tool so i'm not going to actually be able to proffer that many of my hot takes because i'm just going to want to blend in uh here's a hot take uh i'll leave you with this guy because i just mentioned oprah winfrey um she's been in the news a little bit recently uh someone who i will not name and shame on this podcast or i was talking to uh boiled her career down to recommending books for people he genuinely thought she just had the book club and that was her main claim to fame i was uh stupendously dumbfounded by the claim most amused i look forward to texting you to find out who exactly that was very good ta-ta guy montgomery stay warm out there and to everyone listening please also

stay warm unless you're too hot in which place cool down well it's the friend zone with tim and guy come to the friend zone and have a good time yes it's the friend zone with tim and guy because making friends is the best idea of all time