The Worst Idea Of All Time - Podcast In A Tree 01

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

Welcome to a new mini-series from Guy Montgomery and Tim Batt; Podcast In A Tree. Your hosts have climbed a tree in New Zealand to present many segments including Drugs in A Tree, Sandwich In A Tree and Lost & Found.The video element of this episode is available to all $5+ supporters at patreon.com/TWIOAT Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, welcome to Podcast in a Tree. It's a podcast in a tree. My name is Tim Baird. My name is Guy Montgomery and we have just climbed a pretty small climb really, only a couple of metres. Well, where we are perched is quite high off the ground, but to get here feels quite safe. It's a beautiful old pahutukawa tree native to New Zealand in Grayland Park, Auckland, New Zealand. My home of a long time. This specific tree. Incredible.

I've always thought you lived in the house in which I visited you. Simply untrue. Knowledge is power. So this is our inaugural episode, which is a fancy word for first. What is the root of inaugural? Where does that come from? Is inaugural last? You'd always guess Latin.

Orgural. This is our orgural episode. Would our orgural episode be any episode after the first or would it be the last it's really difficult for me to say and this is also you've immediately highlighted a vulnerability i feel here usually access to technology the ability to amend any gaps in my far-reaching and almost unblemished knowledge of the world but um well without the internet i'm only rolling with what i've already got upstairs and it does not feel good this is a big part of why we wanted to get in the tree

get away from it all the distance literally might only be sort of what would we call that two and a half meters from the ground or for our imperial listeners a mile i think but the distance from the trappings of modern life which seem to get in the way of enjoying nature gone it's vast yeah it's i would say at least two miles away what from metaphorically i'd say even further i'd say um the distance i feel between how i am and who i am up here in this tree and how i am and who i am when i'm tethered to the world is it's unknowable it's indescribable the chasm is so big yeah it's sort of it's the size of space it's the distance that keeps growing the longer you're offline the the further away you grow it's a combination of things

as well there's a small element of danger about the whole thing slightly precarious this is an interesting situation, though, because the good people at Greyloon Park have built, admittedly, currently quite rickety, but a series of platforms to accommodate people climbing on the tree, which is nice. That's right. Most people go, get off my tree, stay off my tree. These guys are going, come aboard.

The first platform is not actually nailed to the tree, which you learn when you go too far to either side of it. But the second platform, almost definitely for kids, very firmly nailed into the branches here. And Tim and I have just perched atop it. My legs are dangling. Tim's resting comfortably on a branch. I've got both.

And it's sort of, I mean, it's difficult to say that this takes me back exactly to my childhood days of tree climbing because I feel like I climbed with a little more reckless abandon back then. Oh, I couldn't agree more. Tell me about your childhood tree, Guy. Did you have, like, was there the one for you? There was no one tree, but we grew up with a few trees. You know, there were a few trees available.

At one point, we built a hut in uh in one of the trees and there was you know there were these big huge sort of sturdy main branches and they developed these offshoots that are also they can be quite thin and spindly or they can also be quite girthy and thick and we took an old an old velvet curtain that was in the garage and we nailed it either end we nailed it with a piece of wood to um two of the sort of secondary branches right and then you could lie in between canopy of sorts yeah you could lie in it and it was sort of like a velvet hammock wow of what turned out to be rotting curtain material and once it ripped right through and i fell to the ground oh no but you

know my body was so small and light and the distance maybe not so great that I was unscathed. Quite a shock though. Never a nice feeling to fall. Never a nice feeling to fall and then look to see if anyone saw you and make eye contact with someone

who saw you fall. Yeah. And forever, in their eyes, you'll just be someone who can't even stay upright. You'll be a fallout boy. Yeah, yeah. That's all you'll ever be. The furthest I've ever fallen, you'll just be someone who can't even stay upright. You'll be a fallout boy. Yeah, yeah. That's all you'll ever be.

The furthest I've ever fallen, I will actually now think about it, is out of a plane. Oh, because you skydived. Did a skydive once. I will never do that again. I'm dying to try that. I think that would give me a real rush. Do you genuinely think you'd do it?

Yeah, 100%. I was actually talking about doing it this summer. Far out. We're surrounded by airfields. You could do do it? Yeah, 100%. I was actually talking about doing it this summer. Far out. We're surrounded by airfields. You could do it here. Yeah, yeah. The option's available in New Zealand. It's a little bit expensive, but not prohibitively so,

considering you're kind of chartering a flight of your own. To jump out of the plane. To jump out of, like DB Cooper. And the scale of life, you know, you probably only need to do it once. What about you, Tim? Talking trees. I had a tree. What about you, Tim? Talking trees. I had a tree. A special tree, a magic tree.

Grew up in Islam in Christchurch, a suburb that you'll be familiar with. Yeah, yeah. We were just beyond Islam in Avonhead. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And we had a huge tree that overlooked a busy intersection. It was very tall. Yes.

Very tall, big tree. Don't know what kind of tree it was. But you'd climb it regularly. Climb it all the time. Never fell out. My brother fell out in quite a big fashion, hurt himself a lot. Did he get concussed? I imagine so.

Concussion's one of those ones we're starting to take a little more seriously as time marches on. Absolutely. It turns out smacking the old brain box could be slightly a bigger deal than we give him credit. We used to tell children and professional athletes alike to walk it off. Walk it off. Jog on. Walk it off. Jog on. Walk it off. But you can't walk off brain trauma.

Yeah, sadly. Neither the time nor the place. Today's theme for the podcast is trees, one that we've already started exploring quite naturally and contained therein. We've also got a few exciting segments for the listener to enjoy. I think this is probably a good time to launch our first segment. It's called Drugs in a Tree. Oh, yeah. It's a segment in which we take drugs in the tree.

And today's drug of choice, caffeine. Now, before we came here, we went to the local coffee shop. Tim, I bought you a long black. I forgot to ask for sugar. So that's going to be a little bit tart to your tongue. That's all right. For myself, an iced Americano. And I said, but I'm a bloody Kiwi.

And they said, please don't joke with us, sir. We just want to make the coffee. Cheers, Guy. Cheers to you. So let's take these drugs and see. I can't imagine they'll have an immediate material impact, but you never know. That's a very nice coffee, sugar or none. I actually introduced myself to the guy. His name was Max. but you never know. That's a very nice coffee, sugar or none. I actually introduced myself to the guy.

His name was Max. Thank you, Max. Let me just get this on all the cameras. Thank you, Max. And he said, he said. Just get a shot of these coffees. We've got a close-up cam in the tree with us if you're watching on video. He said, that's what I drink.

Because I actually, I ordered a different coffee for myself at first. I ordered an oat milk piccolo. And then I thought, well, it's going to be a while before I can drink the oat milk piccolo. So I had it there. And then while he was making your coffee, I said, could you actually also make another coffee? Did you just smash that piccolo? So I had a piccolo. And he said, that's what I do.

I have a hot milk coffee, and then I chase it with a nice iced coffee. And I said, how many coffees do you have a day? And he said, three. And I said, well, when do you drink them? And he said, always before afternoon. And I said, what do you think about what I'm doing? And he said, I would never do what you're doing. Did you describe this situation?

I didn't talk about the tree climbing. He's just talking about the time at which we're ingesting this drink. Yeah, a lot of people say that. They say, don't drink coffee after noon. Don't drink it after three. Don't drink it after three don't drink it after 6 p.m i say to those people live and let live yeah i'll drink my coffee when i'll drink it i say mind your own yeah absolutely i quite i really enjoy a late night coffee really enjoy it

there's something there's something that we want for in new zealand is a late night coffee joints oh my god it's a real problem i know we've got a lot to be grateful in this beautiful country of ours, but would it kill a cafe to specialise in being open after 4pm? I don't know if this is a national or global problem, but very difficult to find a meal in New Zealand between 3pm and 5pm. Dusk.

Yeah. It would be as if our laws were founded on jaguars roaming the streets between the hours of dusk. That's right. So we've got to clear out and board everything up. It's not your traditional siesta to shelter from the heat. It's just all of a sudden all the food goes missing and we think, oh, well, I hope you ate recently. It catches me up constantly. We were in a real race to get you to a cafe before the witching hour,

which was two. Yeah. Because everything around us never shuts at two. That's early. That's great info, yeah. What do you think of caffeine, though? Well, look, a lot of people say, don't talk to me until I've had my morning coffee.

And to those people I say, well, I say nothing until they've had their morning coffee and then I say good morning. That's incredibly respectful of you. I don't know if we're picking this up on mic, but there is the arrival of a crying infant, toddler. Oh, you hate to see it. This is a public park.

This is a well-liked and respected park. I wouldn't be surprised if a touch game kicks off maybe as we're wrapping up. Can we talk about the day briefly as well? Yes, yes, yes, of course. My God, it's nice. Yeah, if you are scheduling to climb a tree with an armful of technology. And a friend. And a friend.

You couldn't ask for much better than this. I mean, yes, that's true. But if, say, it was just you and I in the rain, that's okay. But just you and I and the equipment in the rain, that's a different situation. different situation slightly more tricky but we don't have to deal with that today which is good big fan of caffeine myself i'd say it's probably one of my top three drugs um i would i would hazard a guess at saying it's the most consumed drug there is on earth yeah uh i believe that coffee is the second most traded commodity in the world by weight. I believe the first is smiles.

What does a smile weigh? Well, it depends who's dishing it out. If you're in America, it's about an ounce and a half. If you're in New Zealand, 18 grams. Here's the thing about a smile, Tim. It doesn't cost anything. It costs you nothing, but it means so much to so many That's right

Do you smile? I like to, I try to Do you know what? 2021, maybe we'll need to make more of an effort To smile at each other And drink more caffeine Or actually however you get it Can you eat caffeine?

Is there any way to eat? Yes, yes, yes. Chocolate-coated coffee beans. Chocolate-infused, caffeine-infused chocolate. Caffeine-infused ice cream. Okay. You've had an ice cream, a coffee-flavored ice cream. When you're a kid and you have that, you think, this is, you've ruined ice cream.

What have you done this to me for? But as an adult, you think, oh, that's nice because it counterbalancesances the sweetness i've just had a flash of rum and raisin coming thick and fast and it is such a vivid memory of me being about seven or eight years old and some idiot in the family either my mother or father had got an entire tub of rum and raisin and uh look absolute scenes at home did anyone eat it? no the person who purchased it perhaps which is crazy because

four children in the house two adults ice cream's a valued commodity it is much like a smile but I think to me that's that's good strategy

like if you like rum and raisin there's a pretty high chance your kids don't I don't think anyone did all of a sudden the portion of ice cream if you look at it as a graph yes you know what you're eating you know where you are on the pie chart graph is the graph i'm imagining you're gonna need to explain this to me you're gonna need

to start from the start how does this work i'm just trying to say that whichever of your parents bought rum and raisin was probably thinking i'm fucking sick of these kids eating all my ice cream all right that's what i'm trying to say i taught myself to enjoy banana fruit bursts for the same reason yeah i was like if i started enjoying these going you know sharing a bag of fruit bursts would go from being a cumbersome recipe for an argument to a delicious treat in which i get to display my kindness and generosity by letting others enjoy the other flavors and hoovering up all them delicious banana fruit bursts predominantly Predominantly, whatever green is. Lemon and lime. Clearly the best. Well, you'd say banana. You would say banana, wouldn't you?

No, orange is the worst. They used to do peach. Sorry, orange is the worst? Have you eaten, I once ate a fruit burst on acid, Tim. First time I took acid, I had a fruit burst. I thought I was never going to stop chewing. Now, for the first time, the listener's guy is talking about the drug LSD, not some sort of acidic concoction.

I think people are probably more familiar with that than they are with the idea of a fruit burst, which is like a... That's true. It's a chewy lolly. It's a chewy lolly that comes in as a sweet. A sweet or candy. They come in a little wrapper, and, well, you unwrap them, don't you? Because you don't want to be caught eating paper.

I think I used to eat the wrappers. How many coffees do you have a day? I'd say on average two with a maximum of six and a minimum of one. Jesus. Those are huge. Big swings. Yeah, yeah. Six is a lot.

Six is too many and I feel ill. Do you feel anxious? No, never. From coffee or anything? Anything. Do you ever feel anxious? No, never. From coffee or anything? Anything. Have you ever experienced anxiety? It's never happened to me. Oh, man.

Well, you've got to try it. You'll hate it. Look, all kidding aside, I think I experienced anxiety moments ago getting to this portion of the tree. I know. It's interesting, isn't it? Like, the reckless abandon with which we were climbing trees as a child,

which you wouldn't do if you were on coffee because you'd probably be pumping too much caffeine around your body. Children don't drink coffee. Maybe that's why. This is the thing with coffee, is it's actually not dissimilar to other drugs that we consume as adults, which we'll have to wait their turn for another episode of Podcast in a Tree, but it's not in your natural instinct to

enjoy it we like learn to enjoy it and then as we learn to enjoy it we sort of that we become quite snobbish where we sort of you know suddenly you're drinking long black so you're drinking pure the taste of the cafe milk for me thanks i'm a legend and we bully those who order a bowl latte or a cappuccino, God forbid. Exactly. But if you think about your first experience with coffee, it's a horrible thing. Disgusting. Disgusting. Which, it makes you wonder, who were the first people to,

maybe it was a goof, a punk, the first generation that went, coffee is fantastic. Well, they'd be doing it for the high. I guess that's right. Because it is a drug, but it's one of those ones that society lets in, and then we go no, no, this one's not a drug. It's

just coffee. It's just coffee. Don't worry about it. We're not going to vote on it. We don't need a referendum on caffeine, do we? It's so insidious though, isn't it? Because I feel like we're living in a coffee flavoured world. Everyone's very up, running I feel like we're living in a coffee-flavored world. Everyone's very up, running around.

No one's quite sure what they're doing, but they're doing it very quickly. And that's coffee to me. Okay. And what do you make of this? Because this is traditionally tree climbing. It's a chance to take a load off, connect with nature, one another. How do you feel about muddying the waters of a relaxing climb of a tree by introducing the stimulant caffeine

I'm okay with it because in some ways it speeds up my connection to nature it enhances what's already happening in this case yes though it probably has contributed to a little bit of tree climbing anxiety which just to circle back to that again, did not experience as a child whatsoever.

Yeah, you don't know. Was I just more confident or did I have better abilities and recognize that fact? Was I miscalculating the danger either then or now? I don't know. Neither do I. Who's to say? We'll never know. Well, while we're having these comments,

there's actually another segment which is specific, I think, to this episode. I don't know if it'll be recurring or not. And it's just in my back here. And this one's called Sandwiches in a Tree. Oh, fuck me. I've been looking forward to this segment. That's right.

So this is a segment where Tim and I, we take a sandwich and we eat it in the tree. Now, these are not your traditional sandwiches. Do you want me to hold that? I'll hold your microphone while you obtain the sandwiches. In fact, I'm going to mic up the sandwich. What do you got to say for yourself? The ASMR.

It's a sandwich for you. And in this bag here is a sandwich for me. One serviette between the two of us. It looks excellent, and I have no idea how to eat it while holding a microphone. It's going to be a challenge. But we love a challenge at Podcast on a Tree, don't we? I mean, the very premise introduces a challenge right out of the gates, really. It does.

Look, I hope you don't mind my rudeness, but I'm famished. I'm just going to tuck right in. Do we need any... I'll describe what's happening. I went to buy a cabinet sandwich. Die hard Montgomery sandwich fans will know that the mushroom sandwich from honey bones available in the cabinet is one of my one of my top sandwiches and i've actually just i've just been on a trip to a different city wellington where i was eating a variety of

sandwiches and um how many sandwiches did you sample in our nation's capital bearing in mind for listeners guy was only there for, what, two days? Three days. I had four different sandwiches, and they were pretty good. But anyway, I came back, went to buy the mushroom sandwich. As we said, it was approaching the witching hour. The cabinet had been cleared out. But the lovely, not Max, but a woman named Sylvia, I think is her name. You're getting everyone's names at the cafe. She said, well, she was on my flight to Wellington.

Oh, you wouldn't read about it. And we ran into each other, and I said, oh, what are you doing? And she said, I'm going to go visit my nan. And she said, what, she was on my flight to Wellington. Oh, you wouldn't read about it. And we ran into each other. I said, oh, what are you doing? And she said, I'm going to go visit my nan. And she said, what are you doing? I said, I'm going to watch cricket. And she said, oh, I love cricket. And I said, well, I love your nan.

Anyway, she still talked to me when I went to the cafe. That's good. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad to hear that. She said, we can whip you up a couple of butties. And a butty is more like a sort of cobbled together breakfast sandwich we have in a new zealand i think it comes from the uk but it's like it's a you know it's just a whack of bread a whack of mayo maybe a bit of bacon and egg and it's it's interesting you bring this up actually and by the way can i just say my compliments to the chef yes i think i'm getting

mayonnaise on the microphone it's oh fantastic. This is very delicious. Really? What is in this? Mushroom. Egg. Egg. I've got something that feels like a bone. What's that?

There's bones in there. Is there? What's that? Oh, it's a twig. It's from rosemary. Oh, rosemary. Yeah, I think that's rosemary. Yeah, I think you're right. A little twig of rosemary. Oh, wow, this is a good sandwich. This is so

good. There's a bit of pesto, a little bit of relish, a bit of mayo. It's interesting you brought up that we're eating butties because I saw on the internet recently that someone posted on a popular sharing website, Reddit. It's not a file sharing, it's not a photo sharing,

it's just sharing. Everyone's just sharing on there. That they were absolutely outraged that the British consider a chip butty a sandwich or anything at all. That it exists. They were infuriated. And in New Zealand, the chip butty is quite a mainstay. It's nothing but carbs.

Bread. Burger King in New Zealand Bread and chips is all of this. Launch That's right. Your burger. Bread. Burger King in New Zealand. Bread and chips is all of this. Launched a chip butty burger. They were charging you $2 for them to put some of their chips in between some of their bread, and it was not a hit. It was actually, it was met with derision. It's because we're a DIY country, and we don't do a lot of DIY.

That's complicated, but the simple stuff don't dare a lot of DIY. That's complicated, but the simple stuff, don't dare get in the way. We will whack up a deck and chuck chippies in between two buttered bits of bread. And if anyone gets in the middle of that, Lord help them. If any sort of monolith from overseas tries to get their fingertips, you know, on those products, well, we'll be upset.

I'd just like to say, I'm sort of observing externally what we're doing here. And it's great. What are we doing? Well, we'll be upset I'd just like to say I'm sort of observing externally What we're doing here And it's great What are we doing? We're sitting in a tree With a coffee and a sandwich Yes, absolutely

That's really nice And you probably I imagine You're probably picking up a few cicadas Hopefully there's a man hammering Or a woman I don't know Did I

I must have told you about this before, Tim I once bought an LP Called Relaxing Sounds And it was There were three recordings On either side of the pressing I must have told you about this before, Tim. I once bought an LP called Relaxing Sounds. And there were three recordings on either side of the pressing, and it included a bubbling brook. One of them was a spring morning. And in the description of the audio file... I decided to put the mic up to my mouth to show you.

Yeah, it's great. That's the sort of thing you love to listen to. It said, birds chirping, wind rustling leaves, and the sound of someone in the distance using a lawnmower, because hearing someone else work can also be relaxing. And I couldn't agree more. Call me crazy.

Okay, crazy. Can I hear a lawnmower right now, off yonder? I think you can, or it might be a whippersnapper. I was going to pick up some footage of you sandwiching hands. Thank you. This is bloody fantastic. It's really, it's going down so well. What, um, has this got chicken in it?

No, no, vegetarian. That's really good. And that's how good the sandwich is. I thought there was meat in it, which is the apex. The highest praise you can give to a sandwich. Apex comment for vegetarian food. I thought this had a dead meat in it, which is the apex. The highest praise you can give to a sandwich. Apex comment for vegetarian food. I thought this had a dead animal in it. Tim, I've not just been, you know,

sort of haranguing the local hospitality workers at the cafe up the road. I've also scoured the park for a recurring segment, I think, that I would like to call Lost and Found. They say one man's junk is another man's treasure and you'd be surprised at the sort of things you can pick up if you just take a moment to hashtag look down while you're in the park the beach the street anywhere really and I've just got a question before we head into the segment do we have to complete the last do I have to stop eating the sandwich oh to get into and Found? I shouldn't have blown the lid on what we're doing.

Well, it's an interesting question. I mean, I had plans on it. You know, I imagined. We've got mayo on this. To my mind, there was going to be a point where you did more talking and I got to have some more mouthfuls of the sandwich. Okay, so here's how I think it should work then. The segments are sort of introduced.

So we open the gate. We open the gate to these fantastic elements. What are the elements? We've got drugs. Drugs will permeate through the entire episode. It comes early. It will permeate throughout.

Then what do we open the gate to? We open the gate to a Sammy. Introduce it in. Welcome it in. Hi, Sammy. How you doing? I'm Tim. You're delicious.

I'm going to eat you. And then these things are happening concurrently. We open the gate again. We've got another segment and it's happening right now. It's lost and found on Podcast in a Tree. So I can keep happening concurrently. We opened the gate again. We've got another segment, and it's happening right now. It's lost and found on Podcast in a Tree. So I can keep going?

Yes. With my preamble. I'm just going to swallow what I've put in my mouth after chewing it a little bit. I don't know about you, but that's the order I do things in. When I'm eating, I'll put it in my mouth. True maverick. I'll chew it a little bit and then i'll swallow it isn't that interesting that we um chew yeah you know you look at it on the plate and you're like it's all together

and then you fuck it all up by chewing it's true in a conversation seems rude with someone it's not exactly the same but similar lines you know it's interesting that we can't eat the ingredients of a cake and enjoy it the same. Just crack a couple raw eggs down there, eat a cup of flour, drink two cups of milk. I don't know what's in a cake. That is interesting. Flour. You've got to do things. You've got to do things with it.

Flour alone more or less becomes glue in your throat yeah well you mix it with some other stuff and all of a sudden it's a binding agent for the most delicious flavor available yes unbelievable unbelievable anyway so i've been scouring the grounds here here it is and um as i see one man's trash is another man's treasure. And what I found was a pretty nice looking Bic lighter. Let me get a close-up of the lighter for our televisual guests. It's a larger model of the lighter. I don't know if they do any bigger than this that aren't novelty size. And I don't know if it's got any gas in it or not.

Do you want to give it a go? He's attempting it gas in it or not. Uh-huh. Do you want to give it a go? He's attempting it. Oh, there's gas up, baby. This is a functioning lighter. I didn't even think that that would go in this exposed environment. But here we are. So that's what it was lost.

It once was lost, but now it's been found. And I'm going to use that lighter to want to go home. We're having a barbecue tonight. And if the sun goes down and people are still about, I might light some candles. Some citronella candles. Love that. You know what they do? Keep the mozzies at bay. They keep the mozzies at bay.

You know what the mozzies are? They're mosquitoes. They're mosquitoes. What do they do? They bite you. Why do they do that? That's how they feast. That's how they survive.

Why do they have to eat us? They eat what they can. That's how they survive. Why do they have to eat us? They eat what they can. They eat what they can. It's a tough life, isn't it? We're so mean to them, but they've got a really hard go of it. Some person who went to a university told me that you could remove mosquitoes and the world would be okay. You know how some things you can't get rid of them because they're important? Flies, for example.

They seem kind of annoying to us, but they break down a lot of things. Mosquitoes, apparently, we could whip them out of the whole chain and things would be all right. So I say to you, Bill Gates, let's get on it. Yeah. Stop working on, I don't know, whatever it is you're up to, whatever nefarious thing it is. Curing malaria. Yeah. Well, I think mosquitoes carry malaria. Well, there you go, Bill Gates.

Cut out the middleman. Yeah. I think he's in c Well, there you go, Bill Gates. Cut out the middleman. Yeah. I think he's in cahoots. What about wasps? Oh, get rid of them. I don't even care if that'll mess up the environment. Scary, eh? Arseholes of the living world.

Sinister bees. They just seem like baddies, don't they? Their behavior is aggressive. Their look is dramatic and evil. The color scheme, I'm okay with it. It's harsher than the... As a former Wellingtonian, as a Wellingtonian for my teenage years, the yellow and black I can get down with.

But just what the wasps are generally all about, they really mess up the bees. They eat bees sometimes. I've just... You've eaten a lot of Sammy lot of sammy i've just finished the sandwich that was so good that was such a good experience we've got to rate the sandwich oh my god because there's there's going to be more than one sandwich and of course as we know in this coffee flavored world we will live in if there's more than one of something we must rank the objects um so i'm not i'm not ranking it like let's say a scale of zero to ten ten is the best sandwich there's no possible way it could be improved zero is an abysmal sandwich you have one mouthful

i actually don't want to eat this i would score this sandwich um wow you know it's difficult isn't it because i'm not reviewing this in a vacuum i was hungry uh i was i was you know i needed the nutrients so there's immediate extra value to be drawn from this sandwich experience because i was literally fueling fueling my body i was still some put a sandwich in my mouth that i'm struggling to process. Mm-hmm. But I think... He's all right, ladies and gentlemen. Fair score for this sandwich. 7.5 out of 10.

That seems low, considering all the praise that you've dumped on the seaming. I know. I'm just fearful of opening up the sandwich review. I'm going to rank it higher than that. Okay, go ahead. Watch this. 8 out of 10. Okay.

So that is an average score of 7.75 out of 10 for the mushroom and egg butty from Honey Bones. Here's to you. Here's to you. Pretty good sandwich review. And what will wash it down? Nothing better than a bit of drugs. That's right. The drugs of caffeine.

I suppose this is a, you know, like, it's nice to spend time in the tree, and as we'll be doing, this is another regular segment, as we'll be doing with every another regular segment as we'll be doing with every tree that we climb and record in and it will be a variety of different trees different breeds of tree different locations different segments the sky's the limit when you're in a tree really and when you're on the ground if you're on the ground you see a tree climb up the tree all of a sudden the sky's the limit life can be that simple if you just let it be but this segment is um it feels

like you're writing a song in real time not deliberately but it's very lovely very poetic this i've got a ball i've got a ball here i'm amazed that didn't make an entrance on lost and found to be honest but i i guess that's because it's something that you well i'll tell you i'll tell you what i lost well hold on for a second a second. Let's get into this ball. What's going on with this cricket ball? It's very red. It's shiny. I was at a cricket game recently. Congratulations, guy.

Thank you. I was at a venue called the Basin Reserve, which is in Wellington, New Zealand. It's why I was on this recent jaunt to Wellington. And what they do at the sports stadium in New Zealand, the specific one, is they have lunch. So this form of cricket takes place over five days, and they specifically break so that the players can have lunch, and also later on in the day so that they can have afternoon tea. It's the least accessible version of the sport, and it's the one that it is ridiculed for by people who don't understand it because it is undeniably fucking ridiculous. A game lasts five days and 50% of the time it ends in something called a draw or no result.

It is my favorite thing to watch. But so they open up the ground at lunchtime and all the players go off the field. They open up the whole field. So the professional sports field at which this international fixture is being played, which they are filming and broadcasting the footage to living rooms around the world. And you go out there and all the kids go out there with their little cricket bats or their big cricket bats and balls, and there's about 50 to 75 to 100 maybe little games of cricket taking place

between friends, between parents and children, between grown-ups who have watched their cricket dreams sail by. Everyone runs out there and they throw a ball around. This is amazing. I didn't know this happened. It is genuinely amazing. And I went out there on the first day and I was with my friend Prak and I thought, fuck, we didn't bring a ball. My voice wavered there, not because we didn't bring a ball,

but because I'm still processing just the very last sort of percentage of the sandwich anyway i go to the merchandise stand the next day what are they selling for ten dollars these balls so i bought one and that's why it's not lost and found because this is a this was purely found this is not regulation this is not this is not from the surrounding park. I bought this. I put it in my backpack. I found it when I was searching for something else. It's a cricket ball.

Really good. It's got a big old seam on it. Yeah, it's a lot of fun to hold. And that's the thing. Not like a tennis ball, but bouncy enough. It's a satisfying thing to touch. But pretty much what we'll be doing for every episode of Podcasts in a Tree, and this will not be a review of the episode itself, but of the tree in which it was recorded,

I've mocked up something I like to call the... Wait for it, everybody. The treeder board. Oh, there we go. So this is a leaderboard for trees. Why don't we just hold that up in between our faces? We'll see if we get in the wide, as they say in the biz. You've got to imagine that's showing up on camera somewhere.

So pretty much every tree that we climb will be added to the treeder board. So the tree name, Tim, I thought you might like to accept responsibility for this. You've got to name the tree. Oh, boy. I've got a name that comes to mind go ahead what are you going to call this tree well no i don't want to it's if it doesn't feel right it's binding whatever you say i know that's why i've got to are you cautious myself a little bit maybe should i go with my gut instinct? Of course, always. This is Susan.

Okay. Fantastic. Susan the Pahutukawa. Quite high stakes behaviour here, guys. Just arranging the bits for the tree to board. Now, if you are not joining us for the vision aspect of this podcast series and web series, if you could imagine Top Gear, their leaderboard. But for trees.

But for trees, you see. So on one column, we have the tree name and then the rating, and we will be, throughout the series, adjusting the ranking to reflect who scores the highest. That's right. Should we maybe put in brackets which tree is where to remind ourselves, or will we just know who Susan is? It's important to me we just know who Susan is.

Great. So I'm going to blue-tack the name Susan on. We need a rating scale for trees. I'm going to hold this for you so you can talk while you do this. Yeah, we couldn't settle on one, could we? No, well, so we're doing – the sandwiches are going pretty traditional. You're out of 10 for a sandwich. Yeah, this time.

Oh, that's, okay, I see. But this is, this is binding, this is ongoing. So as trees get rated well or poorly, they'll move up and down the leaderboard. Susan, of course, being the first tree we've climbed, immediately slots into first position. Can I offer a ranking system? Yeah, yeah. Or a score system, rather.

By all means. Do you think we could go out of 24 to reflect the hours in a day? Absolutely. Trees, very reliant on the passage of the sun and the moon doing their thing. So, with that in mind, do you want to be, should we do it together and then work out the average, or do you want to be the sole tree reviewer? No no i think actually we should cooperate in coming up with the score this feels like more of a tree way to be well what's the you know like what are we measuring against this is our first climb so you know i went a little bit conservative on the sandwich because i thought

well you know i can't just say this is the best sandwich i've ever had when there are more sandwiches to be eaten we don't know that you went conservative. Just you and I had different opinions. No one was wrong. We were just different. I think easy tree to climb. Yeah. Wonderful tree to sit, reflect, relax in. I feel safe.

Feel safe, which actually, to my eyes, that goes both ways. Because, you know, it would be nice to be a little higher off the ground. You want a sense of danger. Not always, but just like, you know, the footage of us climbing this tree will look a bit pathetic. Yeah, we might cut it out even. Not sure. We'll see if it makes the cutting room floor.

But I think, you know, out of 24, what are we looking for? We're looking for climability, rest and relaxation. The look. The look is a thing. The look, sort of natural beauty. The health of the tree, I think, is important. So we've got health, climability, rest and relaxation, and natural beauty. Yes.

That's four criteria. Okay. I'm feeling it's in the net. We'll call those out of five. Oh, we're doing it that way? We're breaking it up? And then we'll add it all up. Because I've got a number in my head, and now I hope we arrive at it.

Okay. Climbability. I've got to say for this tree, okay, four out of five. What do you think? I think four, too. Great. And then we'll move on to rest and relaxation. Ah.

4.5. I'm going to go, yeah i was gonna go five too but i struggle to give something a perfect score but you know what let's go five okay so that's it was it nine out of a possible 10 so far yeah uh natural beauty or not out of a possible 10 out of a possible 20 but yeah oh and then we're gonna make it 24 24. So we'll find another category for the last four. I see. Hi. Natural beauty. Oh. Pahutukawa is a hard one to go past in terms of natural beauty.

It's known as New Zealand's Christmas tree for its beautiful blooming flowers. I would rate the beauty of this particular Pahutukawa as a... Fuck, this is hard because is it against other Pahutukawas or other trees? I don't know, man, but my gut says four. Four it is. And then what was the other one we had? Climbability, rest and relaxation. Natural beauty. The health of the tree.

It's a bloody healthy tree. Yeah, it is healthy. I mean, look at how many different large branches it has in bloom it's in bloom it is in full bloom you literally couldn't fold it would be rude so that takes us to 18 out of 20 and then i guess the final four that's x factor ah the all-important x factor well it's got some features that i don't think we're going to encounter again namely the two wooden platforms which precarious as they may have become over the years,

well-intended and originally, I believe, well-constructed. You like that X. See, I agree, but then I would factor that into rest and relaxation. I look at this as a tree in the middle of a park. It looks at the park. This is all beautiful stuff. Don't get me wrong. But I also think, you know, it's not standing out.

I once climbed and sat on a tree during one of the lockdowns in New Zealand. I went out for a solo walk and climbed and sat on a tree that looked out across a bay. Getting back down from the tree just by myself was genuinely one of the scariest experiences of my life. And that to me is X factor. It's like my heart was racing. When I was back on terra Terra Firma, I was thinking, fuck me, I love solid ground. Where was this beautiful, scary tree?

Can't remember, but I'll tell you about it off mic. Sounds good. I'll remember it another time. I think we should bring it up at another episode of our series. I think this is, for X Factor, I'm going to give this tree two. I'm going to give Susan two. Nah, give it one. Okay.

So that's 18 out of 20 plus one is 19 out of 24 for Susan, the Behutukawa, and Grayland Park. And I would say with that, so concludes the first episode of... Do you want to know what number I was chasing? 17. We went above it. That is the first episode of Podcast on a Tree. It's been a magical time bringing you this inaugural episode,

whatever that means or whoever that word came into being. You have several inaugural episodes to look forward to. Yes. It has been a delight. Thank you so much to the tree, to Susan. Thank you to our sponsor, Susan, the Pahutukawa, for having us. And to you, dear listener slash viewer viewer i don't know how you're absorbing this but i hope you're well yeah and i hope do you know what i hope this has been as um

sort of grounding i know it's ironic to describe being up high in a tree as grounding but as grounding for you as it has been for us it's felt really nice to to get out and about in the world and um you know it's it's it's there is an asmr quality to this i'm imagining i don't know if It's felt really nice to get out and about in the world. You know, there is an ASMR quality to this, I'm imagining. I don't know if that's true for the listener, but as the person recording it, I'm getting ASMR. That's great. Well, I think I'm just getting relaxed. Is that ASMR?

Yeah. That's what the R is. What is the A? Audio? Sensory? Relax, man. What's M? Man.

Audio, sensory, man. Relax. man. What's M? Man. Audio, sensory, man. Relax. Yeah. Or, you know, yeah, that's great. I was going to say, or madam, but then it could be all or anyone. It's just for you. The acronym is for Guy Montgomery. I assume that of all acronyms.

We'll catch you in the next episode, everybody. Goodbye and take care. And climb trees. Yeah.