The Worst Idea Of All Time - Replay S01E52: Finale?
Episode Date: April 6, 2024Please enjoy this victory lap of Season One episodes as we celebrate 10 years of The Worst Idea of All Time. New episodes posting on our Substack.Original Description:Guy and Tim have finally made it.... It's the last viewing of Grown Ups 2, exactly one year after they started. Recorded live in front of a soldout CineFamily crowd on Sunset in Los Angeles, California. After a public viewing of the movie the lads have finally seen the backend of the movie. What ensues is an elated, nonsensical final romp through a film that's been a part of the boys' life for a long time. It's time to say goodbye. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Well, what is there to say before this?
This was and will always be, I think, one of the greatest nights of my life.
The culmination of a year of hard work that no one asked for.
This felt like, and I think I'd achieved things,
small things in my career to this point,
but this was the most overwhelmed I've ever felt at this point.
I remember I was actually, I was quite overawed
by having a live audience of Americans,
having sold out this beautiful theatre.
And I remember Tim really rising to the occasion
and my memory was not faulty Tim is so
funny in this episode and I'm also there and I'm hanging on but um yeah this is I'm just I've had
such a wonderful time revisiting all of this I never thought I would do it and basically all I
am now is in the way of what we've all been waiting for.
The end.
Shut it down. Shut it down. He and every mob.
Shut it down.
Shut it down.
Get rid of it.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the worst idea.
I said get rid of it!
Welcome to the worst idea of all time.
My name is Tim Batt.
My name is Guy Montgomery.
And we have just watched Grown Ups 2 for the 52nd time.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
We've got a lot to get through, so please hold your applause.
For those of you who are joining us on the internet,
we're coming to you live from a real hub here in Los Angeles, California.
This is the Cinefamily on Fairfax and Thur.
It's a pleasure to be with you tonight.
My name is Timothy and this is my friend Mr. Montgomery.
Yes, and we will not be speaking like this for very long at all.
However, we'll keep it up as damn well long as we can.
I tell you what, Timothy, I'm fairly finished with it right about now.
Okay, fair enough.
So this is probably a good time to tell you at the end of the podcast that,
guess what what everybody?
We're from Sony Pictures, marketing and publicity.
Oh!
And on behalf of all of us at Sony Pictures, I'd like to say, gotcha!
Yeah!
Welcome to the second cinema release of Grown Ups 2.
We're going to be rolling it out through the entire world.
Why do you think there are cameras here?
We're filming you sons of bitches, all right?
You're a test audience and you like what we've got.
We're working on a second edit.
We wanted to see which kicks flied and which ones sunk. It turns out they're all...
What we have built is potentially It turns out they're all fetish.
What we have built is potentially the funniest goddamn movie of all time.
I'm a little worried to release it for a second run because in its first cinema run,
we killed 37 people in the nation of America.
We don't talk about that on camera, Tim.
Not a lot, not often.
Yeah, virtually never. Lawsuits not often. Yeah, virtually never.
Lawsuits and whatnot.
Yeah, that's right.
Your 37 bodies, they're difficult to hide, I'll tell you that.
The interesting thing about 37 people dying is, and I don't know 100%, What is interesting about it?
Well, I'm pretty sure it's a prime number.
No one's corrected you, so I think you're onto something, Tim.
Yeah?
That's the largest prime number mass killing in cinema history.
That's the power of grown-ups, too.
Yeah, a lot of people said you couldn't top two.
Guess what, idiots?
All right.
Listen, fool listening.
It's Guy and I speaking to you
It's Timbo here
I've got the radio experience
I've got the silky smooth voice
And over here you've got Monty
Versatile and excited to be here
Welcome to the Worst Idea of All Time podcast
Bloody good to have you
The number
1-800-Worst-Idea-of-All-Time
The fax
1-900-Worst-Idea-of-All-Time The email Worst idea of all time The facts 1900 Worst idea of all time
The email
Worst at
Idea of all time
Dot
AOL
Dot AOL
Dot podcast
If you guys want tickets
To see Dixie's
Midnight Runners
This weekend
You're shit out of luck
But I'll tell you what
REO Speedwagon
In your lounge
It's up for grabs.
.com is our website.
We're doing a lot of fucking around, but the simple truth is,
Monty, we fucking did it, dude!
High five!
One year of grown-ups, too.
Thank you.
I couldn't be more delighted to see the
arse end of this film.
I'm like, there's a real genuine chemical feeling of elation
floating around my brain right now
that I am struggling to articulate in a human language.
What you are feeling is the weight of...
Can I try Spanish?
Muy bueno.
Muy bueno.
Very good
That is sort of an abridged version of
How I was going to describe your feeling
But what it does really boil down to at this point
And I can speak from experience to him
Is muy bueno
Which for the unfamiliar in the audience
Is Spanish for
Is okay, I think
You're so astute
And so good at languages, Monty.
Do you know what I'm going to do?
Dive right in.
Oh, I need to keep track
of how long we're talking as well.
Tim bought a new watch.
He doesn't need to keep track.
It really doesn't matter.
He just wants you to know about it.
I've got a watch
that's got all the buttons on it.
It's got a calculator into it and shit,
but I'm just not quite used to it yet.
Did you buy that in the past?
Like, really far back in the past?
Oh, who will be like...
Oh, wait, that's the calculator bit.
It's cool.
It's easy to use too, right?
It's just like a real basic layout.
It's so much easier than these pesky smartphones we keep getting dealt.
So the first thing we've got to address is all of the things we've got to address.
And the first one I want to tackle...
I think a great time to start is right now, Tim.
Wow.
I want to kick off with Shining Light.
I think this is a great time to start the podcast.
So...
Do you want me to take the lead on this one?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
My shining light for the 50 second viewing consists of four words.
Whoa!
Chris, rock, cargo, pants.
I never noticed it before, but that dude is rocking some straight up desert camel coloured cargo pants, full length.
They're not three quarters.
They're not zip offs.
They are the real fucking deal.
The guy is doing a reasonably industrial job.
He's got to stay practical.
He's got to hold things.
He's got to hold different things in different pockets.
What provides more options than a pair of cargo pants?
Fucking nothing.
Legitimately, cargo pants are, if you've got things you've got to carry
and for some reason it's got to be in your pants and not in your hands,
cargo's are your number one choice.
In fact, I feel like as good as Chris Rock is at stand-up and acting,
which we didn't really see on display in the movie,
but I've seen in others, I feel like if we had Chris Rock
cargo pants,
not only is it a great hashtag, but I feel
like it's an even better company
I would buy those pants.
Those are trousers I'm shelling out for.
Unless you trademark this tomorrow, Tim,
you've just given away a million dollars, so
congratulations. I do it all the time.
There's no off position to the genius switch.
You know, the big sales pitch on the cargo pants is,
how many hands do you have, Tim?
I'm just a man.
I have but dos hands.
That's right.
All right.
So imagine if hands were pockets, right,
and a regular pair of pants.
How many hands do they have?
Wait, you've already lost me.
Two? Correct. Two?
Correct, two.
Imagine if your pants had four hands.
What?
You're now buying cargo pants, friend.
Hold on, what are you saying?
Hey, what?
My pants?
I'm just...
So each pocket has two hands.
Let's not drill into it.
It's not a strong argument.
They've got half a dozen hands.
It's pretty good.
Like, what I'm saying is if pockets were hands...
Yes.
Cargo pants have four hands.
Or more.
Two back pockets, six hands.
I'm underestimating cargo pants.
Because I'm wearing jeans right now, okay?
That's one hand.
Correct.
That's one hand.
So we've got two already.
Yeah.
We're dealing with another one down there,
and you know that shit's deep and fat.
You're explaining something, are you?
Yeah, it's a bigger hand.
So we've got two, three, four.
Times two is eight.
Plus two is ten.
You're dealing with ten hands on a human.
Okay.
That's a lot of shit going on.
That is a mighty big human.
Did you have a shining light on this watch, Guy?
I'm pretty sure I told you to remind me of several.
What did I tell you, Tim?
Before I bring that up,
let me tell you about the time when I was in Stewart Island
No
I'm trying to help you out dude
No no no
I'm trying to buy you time
You're trying to buy you time to buy me time
No one's buying
It's not my responsibility to remember your shining lights on the last fucking episode dude
Okay
Like step up to the plate bro
Shining lights
You're in the world series.
The movie looks really good on a big screen.
I'll give it that.
I feel like maybe we've got it wrong the whole time.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
I can't possibly.
Maybe.
Maybe we've horribly misread the situation. I can't agree with that. No, no, no, no, no. I can't possibly. Maybe. Maybe we've horribly misread the situation.
I can't agree with that.
No, no, no, sir.
No, sir.
Over the last.
Sir, I say no.
Sir.
There's something.
I say to you, sir.
There is something very forgiving about being in a theatre,
particularly with the amount of very large physical gags
that this movie presents, and I recognise that.
Hey, guess what, you pieces of shit?
You laughed at the bit where they all jumped off Suicide 35
off the top rock, 35 feet above the water.
My mum told me that joke when she was pregnant with me.
You laughed at that.
Four grown comedic men jumping off a cliff into water,
injuring themselves significantly,
predominantly in the genitalia.
You guys loved it.
And we loved it too, the first time we saw it. Yeah, yeah i was gonna stick up for them i think that's pretty funny almost
the whole way through like it's a good physical gag it's funny watching it with this many people
yeah there are some jokes that you hear and you've you've got weighted expectations on them
i was relieved to hear people laughing at the Suicide 35 stuff. There were some interesting points where you guys...
Do you know what?
This has turned into a magnifying glass on you.
You thought it was going to be a Q&A against Tim and Monty?
You guys are fucking weird, man.
Guess what, LA?
We came here to fuck your shit up.
You guys got some problems?
We'd like to talk about them.
Here's one. I had to get some'd like to talk about them. Here's one.
I had to get some quarters today to do my laundry.
I had to go to a goddamn bank.
What is up with your racial segregation, LA?
I hate to get too real with you on the last episode,
but it was a pretty real situation at Bank of America.
This is pretty real.
Firstly, I almost threw up because of how hungover I was.
And that's semi-relevant to the point, by which
I mean not at all.
We should probably move forward from this
anecdote. I don't think it relates to the movie.
You're good at reading a room, Tim, and I've always said that
about you. You've got a real
sense for how everyone's
doing. That's you. Here's Tim in a room.
Yeah, I can feel that.
It's a real room
full of real people.
Well, I mean...
This is different for us. You've got to be aware of that.
The weird thing is that somewhere in the distance
I can hear a...
There's a lot of gears.
It's like a
small truck or a bus
or something? Nope,
you can't hear that.
I can hear it.
It's like,
no, hold on.
Everyone shut up
for a second.
Shut up, guy.
Roll up
for the mystery tour, roll up for the Mystery Tour and
Roll up, roll up for the Mystery Tour and
The Steve Buscemi Mystery Tour is coming to take you away
Coming to take you away
Take you today
Ah, you son of a bitch, Timbett.
I did not see you driving
that bus.
I'm in the front seat, man.
Okay, here we go. Here
it is. Here we're at. I'm going to pass it over
to you. Okay, so this is where we're
at. We're at
the driver's test, as you all saw.
I mean, how many of you have seen this scene before in the movie?
How many of you know what we're talking about?
Make some noise
Who just found out what it looks like when Steve Buscemi explains what's wrong with him?
Make some noise
That's a fine time
Well I'm not wasting time
I'm just excited for these people
Glad for your audience Montgomery
I'm working my tail off I'm just excited for these people. What for your audience, Montgomery?
I'm working my tail off up here. All right.
Doesn't look like much, but I'm sweating jokes up here.
Okay.
I'm hemorrhaging jokes.
Let's go.
I'm losing a lot of jokes up here.
I haven't heard a single one.
Make me laugh, funny man.
Make me laugh.
This is twice as terrifying as before.
Because we were together. You've got no allies anymore
You're all alone
On the battlefield of grown-ups too
There he was
2015
A lone Kiwi lad
Brought up in the South Island
And suddenly thrust into an environment
He's not equipped or experienced in
He's in Hollywood folks He's in Los Angeles, California.
Not only is the weather throwing him off, because apparently it's winter,
but fucking tell the weather that.
It's like 30 goddamn degrees here.
But everything he thought was true about this country is false.
The people are lovely and genuine.
The air is breathable and the water
very absorbable.
Guy Montgomery
struggling for a thread
to grab onto
in front of a theatre
of 170
of his nearest and dearest.
Trying to
figure out
the Steve Buscemi mystery tour.
If my name isn't Julia Andrews, I'll be damned.
So, there I was.
Los Angeles, California.
Everything on the line.
No, in all seriousness, Tim,
the reason I'm so nervous about this
is this is the last Steve Buscemi mystery tour,
a.k.a. the last roll of the dice.
Make it a goodie.
This is pretty much our last gosh-dilly-darn opportunity
to grab onto something and say,
this is exactly what happened to Steve Buscemi
before the curtain is pulled back
and we find out what caused
this freaky motherfucking injury.
I'm hearing a lot of padding and I'm hearing
a lot of pronouns as us and
I'd like to remind you, you are alone on
this stage right now.
So let's make it happen, Monty.
A big fan of collective pronouns. Bring it
together. Little known fact. Here we go.
Steve Buscemi Mystery Tour, take
Take? Well, it's not 52 because we're still halfway through the go. Steve Buscemi mystery tour take... Take?
Well, it's not 52 because we're still halfway through the podcast.
Steve Buscemi works at a trampoline store.
Secondhand trampoline store.
He's peddling pretty dodgy trampolines, okay?
Some of this in padding at the end.
Some of them are missing paddings on the side.
It's not important.
What's important is just open up next door is the Walmart of trampoline stores,
a.k.a. Mr. Walls.
Mr. Walls deals exclusively in trampolines which have those safety walls around them.
Nice.
Guess what?
It's not so good for business over at Mr. Buscemi's house.
Hold on for a second.
What?
Well, it's not so good for business over at old Buscemi's house.
That's what I'd heard.
Yeah.
I told you.
Just before.
Pretty much what's happened here is Steve Buscemi's involved in a last gasp,
absolutely desperate sales pitch to a wealthy family who have just moved into the neighbourhood.
Okay, we've got a lot happening so far.
I think I'm there.
Yep, let's keep going.
Are you with me?
Because you asked a lot of me,
and if you can't keep up with the details,
I don't know what to do.
Steve Buscemi's got a trampoline company,
but specifically the kind that has the shielding.
Second-hand trampolines, idiot.
Oh, second-hand.
Okay, right, all right.
And their family's approach.
You'll catch up.
Listen back to it.
Head it up.
Here we go.
So pretty much what's happened is Steve Buscemi's house is going into foreclosure.
The whole business is shutting down.
It's very dark.
Unless he can sell this one trampoline.
Like one specific trampoline or a model of trampoline?
He's just got to sell a trampoline.
Like the ultimate.
He's old Gil.
Steve Buscemi
is played by old Gil.
That's a Simpsons reference.
Go fuck yourself Los Angeles. That was very
funny.
Please continue.
Oh boy.
If I don't sell this trampoline
I guess I'm going to lose my children.
That's not a very good old guilt.
It's in the ballpark.
So anyway, pretty much what happens is Steve Buscemi gets so involved in the sales pitch,
he climbs aboard the trampoline, starts bouncing around saying, hey, look what I can do.
He does a sit jump into a front flop, into a back flop onto his feet.
The family say
that's not bad. Steve Buscemi says
you ain't seen nothing yet. He clicks
his fingers. The whole AV department
blows up and
baby you just ain't seen nothing yet.
That's where I was hoping this was going.
It was a very effective
marketing tool. Very cool. Okay.
Love that. He was pulling out all
the stars. I'm Lovitzing it.
Yeah.
John Lovitz walks in.
Stevie Simi has a panic attack.
Tries to do a backflip.
Absolutely lands in between two of the springs on the outer rim without a pad.
Jesus.
His head between them.
Oh, my God.
He rocks backwards in his grave, I suppose.
We're talking about Chris Rock?
No.
Chris Rock's not involved. Oh, Wiley. He's having a spa. We're talking about Chris Rock? No, Chris Rock's not involved.
Oh, Wiley.
He's having a spa.
We're talking about Wiley.
Yeah, yeah.
See, we've seen his head's in between two springs.
He breaks his back.
Yeah.
His arms are sort of thrust into a position
that they're forced into by what is essentially rigor mortis.
He's later revived by one of those reviving machines.
Okay.
Don't you give me plausibility problems.
I'm nearly finished.
You're doing really well.
I'm finished.
That's pretty good.
I'm very happy
that that's the last one.
That was really good.
I'm proud of you, man.
I got a good feeling about it.
I'm really proud of you.
Do you want to...
Talk? Not really. I don't know about talking. Do you want to talk about it. I'm really proud of you. Do you want to talk? Not really.
I don't know about
talking. Do you want to talk about it?
Well, there was something else I had in mind.
If you don't mind. I was going to light
a couple of candles, put some Barry White
on and just gently, just hold on.
I'm not talking.
Shh.
Just shut up for a second.
Just let me do this.
Okay?
A papa.
Papa.
Papa.
Are you kidding? Paddy Schwartz
Party time
It's the Paddy Schwartz party time
It's Paddy Schwartz
He's riding on a motorbike
He's giving out flannels
You're cleaning your face
Paddy Schwartz
With Paddy Schwartz
He's in the tattoo parlor getting pictures of her face on his dick.
Okay.
All right.
So here's the fucked up thing that we haven't talked about on the podcast yet.
Here's the real life portion of the Patti Schwartz party time.
Here's the real life portion of the Party Schwartz Party time.
We got, immediately before we came here to the venue,
tattoos of Patrick Schwarzenegger's face,
not how it is now, but how it is in the movie,
in stencil form, accompanied by a Latin interpretation of REO Speedwagon's lyrics for Live Every Moment.
And Love Every Day.
That sounds kind of insane when you lay it out
like that all at once.
But in my mind
it makes perfect sense.
It sounds weird
when you say it
to someone at breakfast.
That's when it sounds
most weird.
Hey.
Good morning.
Hey.
A good day to you.
Buenos dias.
So you're eating
some muesli there?
How's that?
Muy bueno.
Gracias.
Are you Spanish or local?
Si.
Espanol.
Spanish local.
Soy Juan.
Anyway...
Me llamo es Juan.
Juan.
Si. My name is Juan. Juan?
Yes.
I don't know what you're doing in my kitchen but I guess while I've got you I'll show you this.
Oh! Mucho gusto, Paddy Yes, yes, that's right
It's a tattoo of Patrick Schwarzenegger
With a Latin translation of an REO
Alto Cinco
It's kind of like high five, I think
Alto means up, though
So it's like up five
Well, what happened is you made Juan such a weird guy
Oh, Jesus
Yes That it was suddenly normal for me to show you Up five. Well, what happened is you made Juan such a weird guy. Oh, Jesus.
Yes.
That it was suddenly normal for me to show you my Patrick Schwarzenegger tattoo at breakfast.
That's what happened.
It was fun.
You would like an enchilada?
I'm not here with Juan. I'm here with Tim.
And we're on the same fucking team.
Here he is.
He's back.
He's ready for action.
What was your Patty Schwartz party time?
No, hold on.
Fuck off.
Who cares?
Shut up for a second.
Hold on.
Hey, take one of those jandals off and ram them down your sofa, guy.
Guess what?
I'll take them both off, friend.
They're done.
They're off.
I'm barefoot now.
I'm exposed because I want to get exposed with sofa, guy. Guess what? I'll take them both off, friend. They're done. They're off. I'm barefoot now. I'm exposed
because I want to get exposed
with you, guy.
I'm going to flit
over the Patty Schwartz party time
so we can get to some
real heavy shit
because that's what I desire.
My Patty Schwartz party time
on this,
the final one,
50 second viewing of the movie
was that the dude
loves checked materials.
There are checked shorts.
There are checked shirts.
They're on at different parts of the movies.
He's not wearing them together.
He just loves squares happening on and about his body.
He loves checks, but not too much.
He doesn't love punching them.
No.
He just loves wearing them.
That's right.
He loves tartan.
He loves other varieties of checks.
So here's the question
that i was trying to boil down to like how's your new watch where jesus that tattoos actually
bring me a bit of grief because it's very new and it's very tender i'm gonna adjust my legs a little
bit my lady legs like i guess my question is
alright
here's my first question
could you have foreseen
this? us being in America
doing the last ebb
when we started like take yourself back to
one year ago
this question to me Tim
sounds like a man running bare assed
and afraid
from Patrick Schwarzenegger Yes. Sounds like a man running bare-assed and afraid.
From Patrick Schwarzenegger arriving at a party.
Tell me more.
The way you're talking to me sounds like you were having drinks at your sister-in-law's house,
and then Patrick Schwarzenegger came around with a bottle of gin,
and you said, oh, it's lovely to meet you.
I've got to go.
I'm not sure I am on board with what you said.
Tell me what the fuck you enjoyed about Patrick Schwarzenegger
in the movie just watched or get off the stage.
Did I not say Cheeks?
Was Cheeks an unacceptable answer to you?
No, I just
forgot. Yeah.
I thought that was what
would happen.
See folks, the
thing is, everyone in the cinema
is going, what a bunch of douchebags.
I can totally watch the movie
without drinking six beers.
But the thing is, we've seen it
literally 51 times before tonight.
Yeah, two now.
In the last 12 months, and that is really saying something.
So don't judge us.
Tim, I've got to ask you.
Judge yourselves.
Did you at any point while we were watching the movie tonight
feel guilty about making a room full of people watch the movie tonight?
Kind of, yeah.
Mainly, like, the bit where it really kicks into
high guilt gear is
about three quarters of the way through
when you sort of
to be honest, is anything after when Keithy breaks
his leg? Because that's the bit where the
movie, and funnily enough, that's the halfway
point and we know that because we mapped out exactly
in the film where we knew 50% was.
But when
Keithy displays
some ability in football, you're like
wow, it only took us an
hour but finally we have a thread to
follow. Like, finally there's some
plot and shit and then it gets
destroyed immediately
in the same fucking
scene by his
dad who breaks his leg.
Do you know what also gets me is if I was a football coach
and I just saw a kid who was kicking for his
first time like that, I would not be
so blasé about the injury.
Yeah? I'd walk up to Adam Sandler
and say, hey, dude, you got some
real parenting issues. Your son's got
potential. We'll pay for his health insurance.
That being said, you're a
psychopath and I think you are due a visit
from some government officials because, you're a psychopath and I think you are due a visit from some government officials
because, you know, the feds don't like how you parent.
Which you can take one of two ways.
Number one, Adam Sandler's a bad dad.
Number two, the government's a bad government.
It's up to you.
The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
I don't want to cut off the conservatives to this podcast.
I know they're thick and strong.
We've got a lot of red voters. We've got a lot of red voters.
We've got a lot of Mitt Romney
types. We've got a lot of
John McCain voters in our audience.
Mitt Romney is actually a very big fan of the podcast.
I got a letter from
Mitt this morning.
Is that so?
Dad, Tim and Guy,
keep up the good work.
If you ever want to come over for dinner,
you're more than welcome.
Yeah.
I have 13 wives.
It was a very frank, very honest letter from Milt.
Or Mitt.
I'll be honest with you,
I didn't think you knew who Mitt Romney was,
but you clearly have shown yourself to me.
However you pronounce it.
You're a better participant in American politics
than I gave you credit for.
He's not a bad guy.
He's just an idiot.
You keep trying to get away from the core truth
of what's happening tonight, guy.
Like, I want to know your feelings.
I want to know...
Like, tell me what it feels to be in front of 170, 50, 20.
It'll go down every time.
Because we've got to head towards the truth with that
there is 23 people in front of us right now
making a lot of noise
but how do you feel being in front of
very rowdy 13
we're in
we're in Los Angeles, California
I'm pretty sure we're in Hollywood
Los Angeles, California
my sense of direction isn't great
but I think we're in Hollywood right now
like
what are your thoughts?
How do you feel about that?
It's pretty good to be here.
Yeah?
These chairs aren't as comfortable as your couch.
Okay.
Okay.
But.
Okay.
But I've got to say,
it's pretty wonderful to have people actually listening,
you know, in real time to what we're saying.
You know what? I don't like it.
I'm not a fan.
If I had to pick between being alone in the lounge and this,
I'm going to go lounge every time.
Tell me why.
In the lounge, there's food, there's natural light, there's no people watching me.
I'm usually looking pretty strong at you, boy.
Yeah.
I'm eyeballing the shit out of you.
Oh, okay.
Thinking how I can get in there.
Hold on.
Make myself comfy.
Maybe see what it feels like to be Tim Bap for a little while.
Whoa, you're going in deep, huh?
Yeah, real deep.
As physically deep as is possible
for another human climbing into the body of another human.
It's like comic book territory where you take it over me,
over my skin.
Sorry, boy, what were you saying?
You've really thrown me for a...
Well, depending on what country you're from,
either a curveball or a six.
It's a ball sport either way,
and I'm very confused.
Slightly aroused.
I prefer my lounge because there's, like...
There's couches there.
There are couches.
We just watched the movie in a couch.
I know.
I know.
I like the safety of biscuits being really close to me.
And in America...
You are aware a biscuit in America is a...
Scon.
It's a sweet scone.
But only in the South. We don't usually have sweet Scon. It's a sweet scone. But only in the South.
We don't usually have sweet scone.
It's a cookie here.
Okay.
Okay, let me rephrase.
Let me rephrase.
The thing is, when I'm at home, I know cookies are surrounding me,
and that brings me a lot of joy.
That's much more obvious to me now.
I'm freaking out right now because I can't see a single cookie on this.
I see a DJ booth, and I see a big screen behind us. I can't see a single cookie on this. I see a DJ booth and I see a big screen behind us.
I can't see a single cookie.
I see potential.
I see Blaze Pizza.
That's an imitation of Patrick Schwarzenegger
whenever he heard about Blaze Pizza.
I don't know why we're talking about them now.
We swore ourselves off those bastards.
Can I talk about Shiri Oteri real quick?
Yeah, you can.
Because I felt like in this particular watch,
she really came out to play.
I feel like Shiri Oteri was here for keeps.
She was playing marbles.
Did you not?
And she was losing marbles.
She's lost her marbles.
Shiri Oteri's insane.
But a good actor.
Shiri Oteri, I was actually,
you were speaking about this earlier,
I felt somewhat disappointed, I think,
in the audience reaction to Sherry O'Terry's opening scene
with Selma Hayek.
I don't know what's been happening the last year,
but I do know that I've, for whatever reason,
associated that scene with sort of laughter.
It didn't happen tonight.
Legitimately, that was probably the biggest scene in the movie
before we got to the party scene,
which, as we know, is a total throwaway.
That whole third act, we can write it off.
Not the biggest scene.
But the interaction between Salma Hayek and Terry O'Sherry,
the crowd... And Terry O'Sherry. The crowd.
And Terry O'Meary.
And Cinefamily tonight on this, the 7th, 18th? The 17th.
18th of February.
The year of our Lord 2015.
You didn't go for it.
You were rats who smelt the cheese and went,
I see what's happening here.
Go fuck yourself.
And I admire that about this crowd,
but I also am confused by it
because I thought that was a funny scene.
I've lost all perspective, clearly,
because I've seen the movie too many times.
But I legitimately thought that
Summer Hayek and Terry O'Sherry's pairing was...
Good.
I thought it was entertaining.
It's too bad they cut all of Terry O'Sherry
and Summer Hayek's scenes from the movie
because I agree, I thought they really popped off.
I thought they were good tonight, right?
Yeah.
Right?
What I think, Tim,
is that we're in way over our heads here.
Oh, shit.
Okay, we're pretty good, too.
What more do we need to cover?
Have we done all of the things?
I don't know.
Hold on.
Did you do a shining light?
No.
Did he?
This is so much better
with a crowd
because I don't have to
rack my brain remembering.
He was supposed to remind him.
Here I am.
You've been doing it.
Stalling this whole
fucking time.
Guess what, guys?
Like an asshole.
Here we have it.
There we are. There we were. Guess what, guy? Like an asshole. Here we have it. There we are.
Guy, there we were.
Los Angeles, California, on the final watch,
and Guy had to determine his shining light.
And it was the moment in the movie
when the guy with the leotard took a sip
of beer.
Now, when
this happened,
a lot
in the movie
comes
down
hard.
Let's stop playing this awful improv game.
You really need to pick a fucking shining light, dude.
We can't move on until you do.
Like, can I just cop out and be like,
talk about the whole project and be like...
Oh, I'm sorry, dude.
The shining light?
How about this for a fucking... How about this for a shining light, idiot? Yeah? When the credits roll? out and be like over like about talk about the whole project and be like oh i'm sorry
how about this for a shining light idiot yeah when the credits rolled yes and we hugged because we don't have to watch the movie anymore yeah how's that for a shining light
you
Fuck you!
If I may take the opportunity to tell you how it is as a shining light,
it doesn't fucking qualify because it wasn't in the goddamn movie, you son of a bitch.
Let me tell you something about you, Guy Montgomery.
You're a fucking idiot.
And I hate your guts
If I had a pitchfork right now
I'd jam it through your goddamn chest
And murder you
You'd be pretty lucky to get through this chest, pal
That being said
Because I've been eating muesli bars
Since we were in the desert
And guess what?
I'm feeling pretty goddamn near to invincible
You put a pitchfork into my body
I think it's going to crumble like a goddamn spork in a coconut.
What is your understanding of muesli?
What do you think it does?
It makes me feel like I'm Zeus.
You're an idiot.
You're a bonafide fucking moron.
Zeus wasn't quick with his brain,
but he was fucking quick with a lightning bolt, bitch!
I'm Zeus right
now. You're not Zeus, dude. And I'm
chicken out of this conversation, bitch.
I understand. I understand.
Listen, where are we at? I'm not
sure. We need to place ourselves in space
and time right now.
Well, I think that we're... Welcome
to the end.
Yeah.
The end Um
Well
If there was ever an anti-Crescendo
That was it
If there was ever
The worst way to end the worst idea of all time
Pretty sure you nailed it bro
Way to stay on brand
Proud of you.
I'm proud of myself.
Hey, I'm Guy Montgomery.
I'm Tim Baird.
Don't watch...
Good enough.
Listen, on a serious note...
Before you leave...
Yes, Brett.
We brought you some presents to take with you back to New Zealand.
Oh, shit, Brett.
It's cute.
Let's have a third round of applause for Brett because he's fucking earned it.
This shit's all up to him.
Cinefamily on Fairfax and Sunset.
Oh, fuck off.
That's cool.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
So we are currently holding a promotional Grown Ups 2 visor,
which seems like official crew swag,
a cookie which may or may not contain any weed.
No, that's because you've been asking for a cookie for what feels like 10 hours, you fucking moron.
But more importantly, Guy is currently wearing
a Grown Ups 2
what are they called when they're in the water?
Floatation device. It's like a donut,
right? A what?
An inflator tube.
An inner tube. It's an
inflator inner tube and it's Grown Ups
2 branded. This is the heaviest
biscuit I've ever fucking
lifted. Feel it. I gave it to you. I've ever fucking lifted. Feel it.
I gave it to you. I've already felt it.
Do it. I literally picked it
up to put it in your hand.
I'm not going to lie to you.
It's wet.
Not a bad quality
in a biscuit. That's not altogether
a bad thing.
I want to take this opportunity on behalf of myself and Guy
to thank you guys so much for turning out tonight.
You guys are wonderful.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Truly.
That applause is for you.
You're amazing.
Thank you.
And so, just...
Look, what I did is I wanted you guys to...
Hey.
What I did...
Come on.
We, what we did.
We threw a little...
Did you fight on stage?
No.
I just...
Yeah.
I felt like you did.
I didn't fight.
Okay.
Look, I made a little... We made a little thank you video for you guys.
Tim made it.
I definitely made it.
I was in the room about half the time.
But look, it's not that long.
And I just wanted to present it to you guys here at the live event
because you're wonderful.
Yeah, cheers for coming out.
This is a weird situation.
We're really happy we're here. We're even more happy you're here. Let's cheers for coming out. This is a weird situation. We're really happy we're here.
We're even more happy you're here.
Let's get out of here, bro.
And we're going to bail.
So enjoy the video.
Thanks for coming.
Tim and Guy, good night.
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