The Worst Idea Of All Time - Special Request: The VelociPastor (2018)

Episode Date: August 1, 2020

Thanks to Kiera for her constant request of this review.The VelociPastor (2018) is a triumph of filmmaking for Writer/Director Brendan Steere. It's a whole 75 minutes and it's a whole movie. A movie about a man. A man who is a pastor but soon then after, also a velociraptor. Tim and Guy troubleshoot and discuss the movie, Pigmy humans, Mark Zuckerburg's juicy ass and whether you should kill pimps and murderers when you’re a dinosaur. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You guys talk all the time about helping people. This might actually be the first time in your life you can. By what? Killing people? Yes! Show me I mean anything to you. Show me you've got better shit to do. We interrupted this regularly scheduled podcast series to bring you a special one-off watch and review of Velocipasta.

Is that what it's called? It is called the Velocipasta. What year did this come out, guys? 2015. 18. Fuck. I was way off. This is all thanks to Kiera, who is a big supporter of ours and keeps trying to get us to watch this movie.

I believe Kira is the same person who introduced us to Kung Fu Yoga. Which was the Jackie Chan film that we both thoroughly enjoyed. This is a breezy 75 minutes. The clue is in the title. Very much a film that you can immediately see. What do we love?

Come up with a title and work backwards. We love portmanteaus. We love high concept. We love the notion of dinosaurs fusing with religious figures. And this film delivered on all three of those components. That's right this film uh actually it's it's initially was a trailer created by the creator brendan stair for a 2011 film school project uh and the trailer went viral and then years down the line on a budget of 35 000 us dollars that is essentially nothing

the 75 minute version of the velocipasta was made and it's a movie that is to its credit they really made something here uh there were a few big laughs throughout it but i found it it was like there's a competition we've spoken about in the podcast before called the 48 hour film festival which is where teams are given genres lines props and characters that they have to incorporate into a short film

and they've got 48 hours to create the entire thing and the genre you get given your genre I said genres oh I'm sorry I led with genres hey guy

yeah I apologise for not listening that's okay just found a hair in my mouth I did see you pluck something out of your tongue it was a hair do you think it was a hair

belonging to you or really hard to say I've got Rufus on my lap by the way Tim yeah beautiful I did see you pluck something out of your tongue. It was a hair. Do you think it was a hair belonging to you? Really hard to say. I've got Rufus on my lap, by the way, Tim. Yeah, beautiful, sleepy little dog. And Rufus has licked his paws with such ferocity that he's actually also licked part of my jeans wet. He does that.

That's very cat-like. He's a cat-like dog. He's been sitting on my lap the entire film. Now he's sitting with you on the couch. He's actually very cute. I'm doing that thing where you find something so cute, you grit your teeth and you want to go... I was just at the weekend visiting a friend

who's got a three-month-old with my wife Zoe, and Zoe was talking about that concept of just wanting to squeeze a baby too hard because it's so cute. That is exactly what happens. Do you want to do that to Rufus's stupid little of sometimes you're just near something that is so cute i i like start clenching all of my body and he's a cute dog right yeah i know he's a fucking pain in the ass when people first come in because he's a mini schnauzer and that's his way he he yaps his ass off he loves

to yap but he's getting better at it and when he's not yapping his ass off he's a very cute dog he's not unlike his papa yeah he loves to yap i fucking will go you yeah the first five to ten when you step in the door undoubtedly but then i'll warm up to you and we'll have a good time and i'll fall asleep on your lap so this movie has all the hallmarks of a 48 hour film in that it has a very fun dumb premise that that they sort of explore. The production values are questionable. And kind of worn on its sleeve as well. Yeah, occasionally brilliant. But I was very excited by the premise.

Everything about it showed a lot of promise, and I had a lot of trouble staying with it for the entirety of it because I felt like tonally it kind of lurches from place to place. And, like, sometimes it knew exactly the sort of jokes it wanted to be making or should be making. And then other times I was just like, just fucking pick a lane, get in it, and commit. It was tricky, yeah. Because the disappointing thing about this film, and it's not a disappointing film overall, especially hearing they made it for $35,000. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah, it's almost impossible to lodge genuine complaints about it 75 minutes the premise is a priest who is also a velociraptor it's like the hulk kind of there's a few yes that's a great analogy um there's a few things that like happen out the gate where you really get set up for a fucking like genius comedy film the look of it is great they've got this kind of yellow, sepia, 70s tone to it. Do you want to know how they did that? It's just color grading, right? After filming and before developing,

the film was put in an oven and baked at 200 degrees Fahrenheit for 10 minutes to achieve the aged old look. So they shot it on film? Most of the scratches on the film were achieved manually by Brendan Stead dragging the unprocessed film along the services along services in his bathroom holy shit it was the only room in

his apartment with no windows and therefore dark enough to not expose the raw film what a psycho yeah that's awesome yeah that's really cool so like probably the strongest gag in the entire film happens in the first two minutes, and it's when the titular... Velocipaster. Velocipaster sees the death of his parents, and it's cross-cutting between him looking on at them getting into a car, and then what is supposed to be the car exploding

in a ball of flame, but it's just got a placeholder title over where the car would be saying VFX go here or VFX a car on fire yeah yeah and they go to that twice and you think this movie knows exactly what it is and what it's doing and it really that's fucking funny man

it's brilliant but it sets you up with such supreme confidence that I feel like other times when it tries harder to be a higher budget version of itself is when it's found wanting like also it's so hard to make a film and get the whole way through and not fall into that hole of taking yourself too seriously yeah there's a romance line and there's a semi-earnest sex scene in it and it's just like nah this is about a fucking man of the cloth yeah it's into a dino that and they don't have

the production value like you know they dance around that as well you see for a long time you don't see the monster and so you're sort of convinced of its merits and then eventually at the end of the big final fight scene they show the monster in its entirety and it's just someone in a very hokey dinosaur costume but and it's kind of but again the way they shoot it it's like trapped between trying to capture an honest fight and then trying to capture how goofy it looks yeah it's like you need to pick a side and stick to it yeah and then i mean but there were other like some of the other big laughs for mine were um at one point a character there's a vietnam war flashback inexplicably like inexplicably it's so hard

to figure out how old the characters are as well because of that and there's a someone uh someone explodes by standing on a mine and one of the soldiers watching her goes i don't think we can save her after she's like she's too far gone there's another great scene where the romance interest, the pastor and the woman who- Carol. And Carol are talking to each other, and they're sort of like confessing their fears about their newfound plan, which is to channel his dinosaur powers into fighting crime. And she says, I don't know anything about the Bible.

And he says, I don't know anything about dinosaurs. And again, that's on the money. There's a bit at the end when they're worried that she is going to die from wounds sustained in battle and a doctor comes in and says she's okay you're good to see her now and he goes and goes are you okay she goes i'm fine and then makes him lean really far and it looks like she's gonna say she's pregnant or something and then she just whispers again i'm fine and then they have a really great graphics guy come up on the screen which says she's fine and there are all these little moments like that which suggests that like he's a the filmmaker is capable

of some big fucking laughs and like so like they're sort of self-referential and they're contained within the fun of the genre flick but then all of the stuff around it it's too earnest hey kind of like this fucking review of a movie it's a bit of fun yeah how long do you reckon it took them to shoot a week in a forest they have one place they filmed it yeah this location man they get their money's worth out of some forest they found it is china it is vietnam it is pennsylvania i think no i i well the movie was first released I actually don't know where it was filmed but it was first released in Portland Oregon I feel like this was all made in Portland well I know that the post got done in Latvia see that in the credits fucking love the

editing you love to hear that this uh honestly it it looked like it would have been a lot of fun to make they would have had a lot of fun on set essentially felt like a sort of community theaters like a small town community theaters summer project they all got together and they're like we'll make a movie about this the what the lead who plays carol sorry i've forgotten her real name i'll get it up for you look it up she's fucking good she's a good actor i bought her performance and the guy that they found to be the the part i've forgotten his name as well to be the pastor and the velocipastor, he is pretty good, but his look is fantastic. He's buff, super classically handsome, chiseled chin, and he looks like he would be a good lead in Book of Mormon. He does look like he'd be a good lead in the Book of Mormon.

All-American hero. From what I can tell... Is it Alyssa something? Alicia, maybe? Yeah, it's Alyssa Kempinski, and this would be close to... Her only credit? No, there's 36 entries on imdb but the only one i can really recognize is

uh she was in an episode of that hbo series the deuce which i never watched but they made anyway do they make that in spite of you telling them not to i didn't tell them not to i just didn't tune in oh okay didn't seem to have any impact on them right how does that make you feel? well I gotta respect it if everything waited for my sign off we wouldn't have a lot of the stuff we have today we wouldn't have a lot of the houses people are living in we wouldn't have a lot of the cards

a lot of the people, a lot of the meals you sign off on a few of the meals yeah yeah yeah I'm mostly involved with them I would say 20% of the meals I sign off I'm i would say 20 of the meals i sign off i'm involved with 80 of the meals i sign off it's just paperwork it comes across my desk it's nothing to do with me at the end of the day but right people are gonna have to rub a stamp it or anything or it just kind of like comes and goes off so i i shouldn't be saying this sometimes i don't even

read what's being submitted i just say i stamp it i go yeah yeah signing off on this has that ever gone yeah yeah big time what's the worst like meal that you've approved uh someone ate someone else's grandparents yeah there was a huge bureaucratic mistake in the office adjacent to mine yeah and um yeah it's a way more full-on mistake than i was expecting in sort of the culinary world. Yeah. And I have not taken responsibility for that. Yeah. And, I mean, no one has. The way that you word it, it feels like the problem is – That lives and dies in my office. The way that you phrase that makes it seem like the issue is the person didn't eat their own grandparents

and that that's what's supposed to happen. No, no, no. No one was meant to be eating any grandparents. Right. That's what I think, too. In an ideal world, Tim. Yeah. No one was meant to be eating any grandparents. Right. That's what I think too. In an ideal world, yeah. I'm against it. Yeah.

Controversially, I'd agree with you as well. I think we're both on the same side on that one. It's what happens if you get bogged down in the muck and the mire of bureaucracy and you're caught rubber stamping 80% of the meals that you're not actually eating. Occasionally, someone's going to eat someone else's grandparents. Sorry. Didn't realize that was a crime hey how's your week been uh what is it i mean we're recording on a tuesday so it's been pretty

short i did a lot of administrative tasks yesterday i am nursing a toe injury that is no longer as painful as it was but literally refuses to heal properly so i'm going to a doctor after this there's a lot of toe injuries at the moment. Who else has got a bad toe? Man, I was talking to someone last night who's got a bad... Oh, wait, was it you last night? I can't remember. What the fuck are you doing talking to people when I'm not...

Monday. Who the fuck... Oh, did we stop recording? I think we're good. I can't even remember where I was last night. I was at home. This doesn't make any sense. I can't even remember where I was last night. I was at home. This doesn't make any sense. I can smell Rufus's tongue on my jeans now.

That's weird. Maybe I was talking to you about your infected toe. Zoe's had a bad toe. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. There's a few toes going around. But I thought there was a third person, but I think it was just you twice. I never trust a doctor with a faulty toe.

Do you reckon? Like a skinny chef? Yeah. But what if the chef is just like working out or whatever? twice. Never trust a doctor with a faulty toe. Do you reckon? Like a skinny chef? Uh, yeah. But what if the chef is just like working out or whatever? I mean, yeah, I think it's it's a dated concept. That's why I'm trying to get

Do you reckon chefs get paid enough? I don't know how much work they do. I mean, I'm getting paid a pretty significant chunk of change to rubber stamp a lot of these meals so i'd hope they're getting at least it's supposed to be getting if not more the buck stops with you in theory but it actually doesn't no no apparently that saying doesn't mean what we think it does the buck stops here yeah yeah well i can't remember what the actual meaning is but like

the meaning of it's changed a lot since when it was originally thought up i think it might have been fdr who came up with it really maybe how do you think brass taxes spelled let's get down to brass tax i always thought it was the wrong i thought it was t-a-x yeah always for my entire life but it isn't it's t-a-c-t-s no it's t-a-c-k-s like tax like drawing pins i think it was oh yeah that makes sense that's it yeah yeah know that's how it's spelled. Yeah, yeah. I just misspelt the... Like a pin, like a drawing pin.

You were spelling tacks like... To be tacked. Yeah, like wiles or... Not wiles. To act with tact. Yeah. It's not wiles. To act with tact is sort of a...

Sensitivity, in a way. Definitely, within a situation. Yeah, but if you've got your wiles about you I guess wily is more cunning but I was imagining words are fun aren't they

they really are I love them a lot of fun to be had with words I think what was your do you like of the whole film uh huh

let's do it the opposite what was your least favourite bit I think we've given the film a bit of credit and kudos we go up and down i i just uh the the bits that we've outlined there's one other bit i really enjoyed which was when uh the velocipasta amputates the sort of main enemy's head and it's like very poorly done and that it's like obviously a mannequin's head that's been dressed up to look vaguely like the person that has just been slain

and he sort of holds it up and his face is splattered in blood and he's like screaming and then the freeze frame on it and some quite soothing music comes up and there's a quote this is like to attain peace first we must eradicate violence or something and it credits it to gandhi and i was like this is really funny and it feels like the credit's gonna roll but then they don't but all of the moments that i enjoyed have now been outlined and the thing that i didn't enjoy were the 70 minutes around it where it was just like that's rough i know i'm being so you're being so critical needlessly critical It's just that I was really excited. Yeah.

You weren't... I feel like you never quite got into the driver's seat of this film. Yeah, I really... You know, I was trying to bash in there and ride saddle with this film. And you did. Yeah, I think I did. I think I did. I didn't love all of it, but it was good.

What was your least favorite um it's all of this stuff about like the development of the romantic relationship i just all that stuff really fucks me off in a quality comedy film can we troubleshoot this movie because you know it's kind of yeah you know what went wrong was that no tim and guy well for a start but then the veloci pasta it's like if you've got this incredible premise which is a pastor who has wrapped it like let's see them at their fucking let's see them delivering a sermon and wrestling with their fucking you know metamorphosis in front of their congregation that would be fun let's literally let's cross cut the night before him

like eating yeah drug dealers and let's let's get a list of all the things that you want to see from a dinosaur yeah all the things that you see a pastor do and let's like marry them to each other instead of having these two things and then being like we're not going to really deal with either of them the whole movie's about a drug ring you're so right it doesn't make any fucking sense it's like that do sell me what it says on the tin yeah because this is how you quite like without getting too inside baseball but this is often how you build a joke you go i want to talk about this i want to talk about this what's the thing that can connect the two and they didn't do that in this movie which is why the comedy didn't quite work so what is that what is the similarity between a velociraptor and a pastor well it's like just

yeah it's just what is the i reckon what i want to see is is like a bunch of baby or just smaller velociraptors like listening to a sermon by the end of it so like the velociraptor has become a pastor but a dinosaur version of it and he's like giving a velociraptor sermon to a whole bunch of dinosaurs you want to see more dinosaurs than the one uh how like giving a velociraptor sermon to a whole bunch of dinosaurs you want to see more dinosaurs than the one uh how are how are more velociraptors gonna like i just want to i don't know the wherefores in the house yet but what i want to see is the velociraptor becoming so i want to see the journey of the pastor becoming the inhuman monster velociraptor but then that velociraptor kind of bruce bannering up a little

bit gaining control and a little bit of sentience and emotionality and being able to give sermons as a velociraptor so the monster matures i quite like i mean yeah because the monster just remained the monster the whole time i would see i wanted to see like i wanted to see the pastor in congregation as a well-respected member of the community i wanted to see the pastor like ingrained in the broader community this pastor is a loner they lose their parents i understand that they've got budget they've got no friends so i wanted to see the pastor in front of you know the congregation metamorphosized and people being outraged and disgusted, and then the community learning to love and accept the difference within the velociraptor and being like, oh

wow, do you know what? This is okay. Being different is okay. And you could have a lot of laughs and a lot of fun in there, but I just... I like the town getting on board with the velociraptor, and then it's like the town and the velociraptor versus the world. But it's just, instead it was just a pastor who becomes a dinosaur and then kind of abandons his post

and deals with a criminal underworld or a side plot which is not tethered to what we're invested in. I really liked the pimp. So Carol is a sex worker in this film and she has a pimp. And I don't know who the guy is who played him, but I thought he was fucking hilarious. Probably actually my favorite scene is him in the confessional booth.

He's just such a good character, and he had such a great voice. Yeah, the pimp is called... Really comedy-style to listing all of the things he was in confession for. It's like, ah, Jesus Christ. I stole candy from a baby. I threw the baby off a bridge. Oh, Jesus Christ. Where do I begin?

I killed a guy yesterday. Yeah. His name was Frankie Mermaid. And he's smoking cigarettes the entire time he's in the confessional. Yeah. And he says, you can't smoke in here. And Frankie M mermaid says, Frankie mermaid can smoke wherever he goes because his life is on fire.

It's fun. That's fine. That's the kind of confidence you need from the whole movie. And actually at one point in this movie, I paused it and I said, guy, I want to show you what this film should be. And I showed you the trailer for Kung Fury. fury yeah which was a phenomenal piece of filmmaking if you haven't seen kang fury i'm pretty sure it's freely available on youtube it might have actually got sold to netflix later

31 minutes long it's so cool it's like the ultimate genre piece of this guy who I think might have, he like the star of it is also the guy who wrote it and directed it and produced it. And I think he might've done some of the animation, Jesus Christ, the animation as well. And it's like, it's so brilliant.

A time traveling New York cop who travels from the eighties after he gets his badge taken off of I think going too hard out on the gangs accidentally travels too far back in time when he's trying to defeat Hitler ends up in a Viking age befriends

a demigod? Yeah, who's the Norse version of Zeus? I don't know. I can't remember, but like that guy yeah that rides a dinosaur you know that trailer looked amazing and what it care i'm sure the trailer for this is actually fantastic as well is uh it's it just comes down to confidence it's like it's just and this is this is true across so many parts of life it's true i often think when i'm watching comedy it's like the the difference between someone who's starting being good and then being good is just like they emanate self-belief and the material doesn't necessarily change that much think about like the most some of the most successful comedians in the

world the material is balls yeah they don't have to write good material anymore but like they're just so sure of themselves yeah and the audience have also like developed this supreme faith in them

that they almost exist above like a strata above normal criticism or fears and what happened with this movie was it like

it started confident it was like here's a VFX gag here's people dying here's everything you need to know also very Tim and Guy are going keep it up very funny thing after the after the death of the parents and the vfx gag the camera's on uh the pastor who's crying and that kind of like zooms in on him and

then zooms past him onto like the wall of the church and then for about 15 seconds just starts like shakily moving across all these different parts. And it's like they've just deliberately left in this awful, functionless camera work. That was fucking funny. You're like, this is going to be great. And then it sort of loses its way. But it's a confidence game. Everything comes down to confidence.

Straight out the gate, two solid gags on filmmaking itself. It's like, here's some jokes at the expense of traditional filmmaking. Yeah. And I just, like, if they had to just run with that the whole time,

it would have been so good. I love the length. I love that a movie can be 75 minutes. Hey, Kung Fury, 31 minutes. Great film.

Like, you know, I think, if you trim the fat and you just got down, like, if you just had the guy becoming the velocipasta,

killing a few people, the movie finishing. This is the thing, right? It's always, it's hard to go. I wouldn't say it's easy to come up with a good idea, but it is possible. It's very possible to come up with a good idea. It's very possible to come up with a funny title. It is harder to sustain a good 90 minutes of comedy but and you don't have to these days

this motherfucker made something they went out there they did it we're on our asses talking about it this is not the sort of film that we are in a position to criticize because this is literally if we put our heads together what we would create compare Compare this film's budget. I actually would love to do the math on this to Sex and the City 2. Well, what's like 10 million minus 35,000? What was the budget of Sex and the City 2? I'm looking it up. We can't both be on our phones at once.

My God. I'm just sending an email. Don't do that. Yeah. Oh my God. Was it 100 million? That's what it says here. 100 million dollars. Was it actually? my God. Was it $100 million? That's what it says here. $100 million.

Was it actually? Holy shit. Does that ring any bells? Yeah, the box office was almost $300, so that might be true. That sounds exactly right. All right, so I'm going to pull up a calculator. So I think the way we work this out, what did we say it was? The budget, $35,000?

Yeah. $35,000 divided by 100, 1, 2, 3, 1, 2 100 123 123 equals times 100 what have i just figured out i think it is i think this yeah that's right this film the budget is 0.035 percent of sex in the city 2's budget and you know what it what? We've watched both of them. This is a morning shooting on Sex and the City. This would be... Okay, let's do this. This is fun.

How many days? 40? 40 days? I think that's... No, no, no. For Sex and the City 2. That's reasonable, right? Probably 40 days?

Yeah. So what is... So we go that times 40. How do you divide 40 by 100 million? This would be one and a half days. Yeah. So what is... So we go that times 40. How do you divide 40 by 100 million? This would be one and a half days. Oh, no. One and a half hours? Fuck, I've lost the thread.

I honestly think this is a morning on Chex and City. You shouldn't do math on a podcast. And if you look at the constituent parts, Brendan Stair and the Velocipaster team have created something that is infinitely, like literally incalculable incalculable incalculably just move on pick a different word i'm not going to jump in that mire with you yes you are incalculably i can't do it it's a good one no incalculable incalculably

better more worthwhile new podcast tim and Guy try to pursue the word Can you How do you say What's the second month of the year February Where do you Get a book from Library These are challenging words

Are they I just dropped the first R in February Because it's like Fuck you And what Did you do So where do you get Because it's supposed to be

February right February No one says that You sound like a fucking idiot What What country Did you say where do you get rentals? Because it's supposed to be February, right? February. No one says that. You sound like a fucking idiot. What country? Libya. No.

Or, George W. Bush, Lib-er. Libya. Libya. Is that what he said? I don't know. Yeah, fucking. Is that something you would? What were you going to hit me with next? I was going to do Ireland.

Oh, yeah, I do say Ireland. And what do you say for like, you can get a lot of it from steak and stuff. Iron? Yeah, how do you say it? Iron. And what about irony? Irony.

Say all of them consecutively. Ireland. Iron. Irony. Oh, that's really nice. Yeah. That is really crisp pronunciation. You dig it?

Yeah. Why aren't I getting more voice work? Slash any voice work Oh except for fucking Big Tok Burgers Fuck Hey check that out If you want to see a fucking passion project done right Holy shit

Guy and I got shoulder tapped To just be involved in this animated series And it took us all of like a half day During lockdown To just throw some videos out It took me all of like a half day during lockdown to just throw some videos out. It took me all of like 15 minutes on a call with this guy. And then like a month later,

Ian has just produced single-handedly these incredible cartoons with our voices in them. And it's like, honestly, hand on heart, probably the coolest fucking thing I've ever been involved in. It's so awesome. You want to find Ian on Twitter? Worthy Kids. Honestly, hand on heart, probably the coolest fucking thing I've ever been involved in.

It's so awesome. You want to find Ian on Twitter. Worthy Kids. Worthy Kids. W-R-T-H-I. Kids. And the show Big Top Burgers. If you look it up on YouTube.

Oh my God. Did that stop recording? You're going to have a lot of fun. No? You're going to have a lot of laughs. This is dicey, this recording thing. I've got a backup. That one's recording too, so we're good. Don't worry about it.

Good on you, man. Don't worry about the thing. All right. Velocipaster. Pitch me the sequel. Go. Okay, here we go. Velocipaster 2.

Remembering that the lead left the church at the end of the film. I do understand that. He started smoking and gained a leather jacket. Carol and he bought a plane for a little nation you may have heard of called Japan. Now, hey, wait a minute. Why were they fighting ninjas in China? They were fighting them in America.

Oh, he was in China,'s where tooth that's where he got yeah gift okay okay velocipasta 2 i think it is a hulk story of him taming the velociraptor inside of him um funny highlights include the velociraptor in a bespoke therapy session where there's all these safety measures put up like metal bars and electrified caging and stuff with a sigmund freud looking like super sigmund freud looking psychoanalyst um what else have we got? A baby. Okay. Carol and he have sexual congress. Okay, this is exciting. And Sire a child.

The child is one third velociraptor, but doesn't transform at all. Just perpetually is. You ever seen the Super Mario Bros movie? No. Well, that. Should we? Should I? We absolutely should i think it might be the first

movie i ever saw it on the big screen wow yeah isn't it a disaster unspeakably bad crazy it's the largest video game franchise that's ever happened and the movie sucks so much dog shit that it's like unbelievable unbelievable the decisions they made they try to marry like the real world with the super mario trailer after this uh absolutely i'm going by memory here but the premise is there were there's like a set of humans living among us who are villains because they evolved from dinosaurs unlike us who evolved from apes. Oh, wow. And they're like the King Cooper or Bowser rather lineage. It's fucked, man.

The whole thing's super fucked. You've read that book Sapiens. And there are several different like iterations of what people could become yeah but we homo sapiens yeah why why did that happen why did why did homo sapiens i don't want to say triumph but like why did we did triumph evolutionarily yeah why uh it was a combination of well probably three things a we fought yeah so whoever was the toughest one out did everyone fight i imagine so but well you know at some point you throw down if you're being attacked uh b i'm pretty sure there was a lot of like um cross

breeding going on so like you know how people say you can get tested for like your Neanderthal composition and your DNA? That. And C, there were just some, I don't know what the terminology is, species of humans? Like kind of species of our forebears that were not well-suited to survive

whatever the environment threw at them. So like pygmy humans were around there were a few different subspecies i don't know breeds breeds of humans who were walking around like that and they just couldn't cope as well as the others this is the same story as anything else in evolution you know well do we did we have to fundamentally sort of assert ourselves over the, like, if we trace back our origins, were we at some point like particularly bad?

You listen to Joe Rogan. Okay. Which I don't. No. I can't remember. Huge shout out to the JRE. None. No,

absolutely not. I rescind that on guy's behalf. He's rubber stamping without looking into things. Don't look into it. Why is is he why is he a problem now he's oh he's just a meathead he's always been a meathead quasi-intellectual meathead look he's got a he's got a favorite theory of his and i can't remember who the person is who he like got it off but who's been on the show a few times stoned ape theory and that it was literally like a cognitive change that happened when our forebears started hoeing into psychedelic mushrooms and psilocybin gave them the creativity to start doing this other shit which eventually led to things like language and adaptable survival skills is jo Joe Rogan Alex Jones light? No, I wouldn't go that far.

I wouldn't go that far. I think that's an unfair brush to tarnish him with. As someone who's listened to a lot of Alex Jones for fun previously in life, before Alex Jones became what he is now, I used to listen to him heaps, man. Yeah, you used to study him as a broadcaster, right? He was the world's greatest entertainerer and then it all went awry it all went awry because he

started fucking painting his his uh what is it called you colors to the flag paint your colors i'm mixing idioms now um what else happens in velocipastor 2 I reckon well I reckon it's shorter it's a 45 minute film I reckon there's less pop punk in it here's my pitch I would love to hear this he's left the church

but he's not finished with the notion of higher consciousness or organized religion and joined Scientology, elevates through the ranks for reasons unbeknownst to himself. Is it infiltration or does he buy in? He sort of buys in. They make it to LA. He sort of gets Dianetics. Is that what it's called?

Yeah. He goes and says, i'll get the testing done gets the testing done because of like because he sort of doesn't have a grasp on what it is and because there's some sort of like uh interspecial or other energy coursing through him he tests off the charts and the injury position he's afforded in the street of scientology is really high and all of a sudden starts like ascending the ranks because he's got this ruthless streak that they've never seen before since Elrond. And they're like, wow, this guy is tad for stardom.

Makes it to pretty near at least the front-facing part of the church. Above or below Tom Cruise? Maybe that's the conflict. I mean, that's a pretty good conflict. It would be amazing if we could get Tom Cruise. But certainly adjacent to Tom Cruise. Should we get Evan? Tom Cruise, look him up.

Yeah, yeah. yeah but certainly adjacent to tom even tom cruise look yeah yeah and uh sort of like starts being this really active forward-facing member of the church of scientology but behind the scenes is like cutting up people like in corridors and like it still does not have that velociraptor part of himself under control and it's sort of this this marriage it's just like it's this there's this great conflict of interest as the velocipastor like furthers the cause like furthers the beliefs and like recruits new people to scientology while also taking apart like a lot of the operational people within a reasonably high level and it's sort of this ongoing conflict and eventually i think totally

destroys the infrastructure that the church of scientology has and supplants it with like people who praise the notion of the velocipasta and so essentially forms a new organized religion within the shell of scientology your one is so good i fucking love it it works as a comedy premise it works as a great metaphor uh it's it's just the right amount of silly and juicy it's like mark zuckerberg on an electric surfboard with his face painted like the fucking jokers from... What is it? Adam... Adam... Who was Batman back in the day? Adam West.

Adam West. Adam West. Joker on a surfboard. Fucking juicy bun motherfucker. Massive silicon implants poking out the back end of his fucking rip curl board shorts. Are we allowed to talk about Mark Zuckerberg's buns? Big juicy buns? Because there was so much going on in that picture

that it's hard to zone in on any one aspect. He's got Crocs on his hands. Someone pointed that out to me after I put the photo on Twitter. I was like, look at this fucking goofy motherfucker. I didn't even realise he was wearing a hoodie because I was looking at his goddamn white painted face. And then someone just wrote below it, Crocs on hands. I didn't even see that.

I mean, I don't like Zuckerberg as a rule, but I admire every decision that he's made for himself in that photograph. I'm like, dude, you have no further to fall. Literally embrace anything that occurs to you. This is an instance of Zuckerberg creating a public good. There's no net negative from what is happening in that photo. No one's hurt. It's just like, it's a genuine gift.

It's quite selfless in a way, isn't it? What he's given the world. Absolutely. And we fucking needed it right now. Oh, yeah. Thanks, Mark. But this feels like Killiania territory to me, actually. Wow.

That's an entirely different kettle of fish yep that's a plug for our other podcasts which you can catch also on patreon so kira thank you so much for um driving this yeah for inspiring our morning and conversation and we'll catch everybody in the next episode of whatever the fuck it is we're making. That's right. Worst Idea Forever and Ever. Worst Idea of all time for all time. Pretty good. That's a t-shirt. That's insane, Doug. Show me I mean anything to you. Never walks the test of time.

That's insane, Doug. God does not want people dead. Oh, I think God wants a lot of people dead. you