The Yak - Cucking, Chucking, And Libs From The Sticks

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

What are some of the most humiliating names to get cucked by? Have you ever been chucked? The origin of the Nick's inner voice, a Lib from the Sticks, KB Sings the Alphabet Song, and Caleb Press Lee!You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak

Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Uh, KB, can you, uh, check us all out? What is that device? I have this, uh, radar gun. It detects pussies. Oh, oh, I thought it was like if we, it looks like, just like you. It does, but this is state of the art, so I guess it's the best you can possibly get. So it's probably very accurate. I didn't even know we had that kind of technology.

Yeah, look at that. Am I going to get microwaved? I'll start with Steve, and then I'll go counterclockwise around the room. So Caleb then around the neck. Yeah. All right. Steve leaning in. Thank you for your forehead.

Why did it say 45 on it? No, he's good. You've got to stay below a threshold. Wait, do I need to get closer? Why don't you lean in? Steven passed. Caleb just passed, I think, as well. Steady hand, KB. Now his hand's shaking a little bit.

Holy shit, his hand's really shaking now. Looks like a hair dryer. Damn it! Nick is a certified pussy sorry you actually broke the gun it went off too hard it wasn't even fucking calibrated it's not even calibrated right

I guess this brand there's only four of them ever made NASA has three of them what's the protocol for him now does he have to quarantine for two weeks can't just have to watch porn and eat beef jerky and hang out with your dad. Hang out with the old man.

Just pump some weights. Speaking of which... Okay. No, no, no. Please, please, please. I just gave you guys an alley-oop. Oh, I thought that you had something of which we were gonna speak. I don't know why you're supposed to roll off that. I was going to. I wanted to, but I was kind of trying to give you the floor. Get him next time. Alright, thank you. Can you maybe

set me up again? Speaking of which, the Yak is back, and on shows like this, we're going to have to reach back into last week because of the nature of the beast, the nature of the game, and I wasn't here last week, so maybe you guys could hold my hand through a little bit of

this entire Doug situation because it seems like you guys got deep into Doug, and I have no idea what it's all about. Caleb, you know what the fuck they're talking about? I wasn't here either. So you guys got to explain to both of us. Something about from my understanding, the name of the best cuck is Doug. No, no, no. Quite the opposite.

We were from the perspective of the cucky and Doug would be the worst cucker, if your wife fucked a man named Doug, we think that is the worst name for a cucker. It would be the most devastating person to get cucked by. I think we tossed around some other names. Why? What's so wrong with the name Doug? Does it? Ishmael. Ishmael.

That's fine. He would fuck your wife. Bart. Oh, he'd churn some butter and fuck your wife Ishmael. But you never suspect Doug. Doug is just under the radar. They went to high school together. He went to a school close to home.

Your wife went further away. She sees him once every five years. He's got male pattern, and he's collecting Marvel figurines left and right. He's a Hulk shrine in his basement. He's got every Funko. He eats, he brings Kashi cereal in a Ziploc bag to work.

Like, it would never be Doug. You would never even consider him. Even if she smelled like Doug's car. Like, you would never expect Doug and that would just ruin. You just let her hang out with Doug willy-nilly because you never

would expect it to be doug because you basically give her a free pass around doug you never worry when your wife's with doug and then you find out one day the bounce back percentage is zero when it's doug are there any good doug what about like doug peterson like that's like a tough doug steven that's i mean it's not peterson doug gotlieb Oh, Gottlieb, we'll steal your wife Oh, sticky hands, Gottlieb You'll steal your wife's shoes Just to take some of her stuff Yeah, he cucked you just so he could take your high heels

Her hairpin, it's like she's gonna lose them anyway She's gonna lose them, but he wants them A whole handful of them, that's a true klepto Just filled all his pockets Out of necessity Not for pleasure anyway. Doug had a whole handful of them. That's a true klepto. Just filled all his pockets. Out of necessity. Not for pleasure. It's just what he loves. And I think we also talked a little bit to Rico

on this bit. So let's find out what you really said about Doug. Whether you guys really meant it or whether you guys are bullshitting me and Caleb right now because we didn't know. We don't know what you said. Can we have Caleb send us in to the clip? Yeah, that would be awesome. And here's the clip.

What do you guys, what's up? What have you guys been doing? We've had a good time. We've been fucking kicking it, man. Yeah, we have been kicking it. I brought some guys in. Bill, Bill's on the yak now. Oh, yeah, we've been trying to get the oldest.

You would have went berserk. Milwaukee Bill, right? He would have drove you bonkers. He's our oldest listener, so that has admitted it. Yo, what up, Bill? We're trying to get the oldest. He's old. Oh, yeah.

What? He's old. Oh, fuck him. No, no, no, no. Fuck Bill. 74. He waited 24 years for those season tickets. Good.

Season tickets for who? For the Packers. Pack. Oh, does he save the stubs? Next time. Yeah, Bill, can you send us the stubs real quick? Rico needs those season tickets. Good. Season tickets for who? For the Packers. Pack. Oh, does it say the Stubs? Next time we talk about it. Yeah, Bill, can you send us the Stubs real quick? Rico needs those Stubs. I don't like that you guys are questioning, Bill.

It's Packers fandom. I didn't question. I said fuck him. That's a big difference. He's a shitty cock. Yeah. He's referring to his shih tzu. Cocker Spaniel.

Cocker Spaniel, yeah. He's Eskimo brothers with Bart Starr. He did say that. That's a legend. I feel like if you lived in the state of Wisconsin in the 1970s, you probably are. Oh, yeah. Bart Starr, born to fuck. Sucking fucking all your girlfriends.

Damn it, Bart. What was the era? Pre-NFL? Before Lombardi? Imagine getting cocked by a man named Bart. Bart. Was was the era? Pre-NFL? Before Lombardi? Imagine getting cucked by a man named Bart. Was it Bart? What's the worst name to be cucked by? It's Bart.

It might be Bart. Felix. Felix sounds like a fucksmith name. Felix is a fucker. Bart is more of a sound effect than a name. I don't know. Bart sounds like a name. Bart is an onomatopoeia.

I think if you got cucked by a Doug. I got to sit down, honey. I got to tell you something. Remember that guy, Doug, who sits across from me at work? We fucked. That's brutal. Like Dennis, Denny. Yeah.

Dennis is probably do that a lot. Dennis is cuck Doug Ralph There's cuckers and cuckies It's all in the name Man I sucked Doug's cock

That would just crush you That's not like I can bounce back from this After a couple years of therapy and going out with the boys. Like if your wife sucks, Doug's cock. Yeah, you're done for life. You are done. It's over. Rico doesn't know what he got himself.

Are you blindsided by Doug or do you suspect watching ping pong? I think you do have to. I think if you if if if your significant other ever, if you ever become aware of a Doug and your significant other's life, you have to be on high alert. Just like doomsday doesn't happen. You never suspect the dogs, but now I think you should,

you should based on this conversation. It certainly wasn't Doug's cock that you suck. Yeah. That Doug guy, like he, he doesn't even seem horny. No way would he jam his cock down your throat? In a La Quinta at three o'clock on a Thursday? You're like playing Clue to find out how you got, it was Doug, it was Doug with his cock in the La Quinta. In the back of your throat.

Yeah. Fucking God. in the back of your throat fly off the shelves drove in his Honda Civic with spoilers on it name tag off you guys smell dug on you smells like bologna and cheese. He always does. He brings the same lunch every day for 15 years. The only excitement he's ever had is fucking my wife.

Yeah. Doug. He's never taken a risk in his life except this one. Why Doug? Yeah. Why? Why? Doug.

Any other guy. You're naming off guys you'd rather her fuck? Tony or Mark. He goes on? Yeah. Why, honey? Doug, any other guy? You're naming off guys you'd rather her fuck? Tony or Mark. He goes on. Yeah. He just goes on. Bill. Doug hasn't had a raise at work in six years.

Doug is too much of a coward to ask for a raise. He doesn't even match his 401k. He bought a Sean Kingston CD. There he is. To stay relevant. To stay relevant. Look at that. Look at that Sean Kingston. To stay relevant. To stay relevant. Look at that. Look at that Sean Kingston.

He's in. He's on the board. Fucking go. Oh, man. It's great to see you. It's hard, though. It's hard to get a hit. When you got home runs.

The show moves fast sometimes. Sometimes it moves slow. I was out, too. I'm going to be. I got a problem. I'm going to hit it. A couple of home run hitters. No, no.

Talking about cuckolding is like my home turf. It's also like it's musical chairs with these jokes. Like you start to slowly tap out. I'm still thinking of like puns. I'm trying to think of any other names that would really bother me. Graham. Graham. Oh, Graham.

Definitely. That's a waspy guy. Yeah. He's yeah. He has a snarky. He has a snarky dick. He has a very snarky penis. Super snarky dick has seven very well-behaved children. He has the pretentious balls.

Was that just out of the radio? We were talking about the worst adjective to describe your penis. That was out of the radio. We said snarky. Yeah. Coy? No, we said that on the radio, didn't we? I don't know.

But recently out of the radio. Yeah. Okay. Shy. Yeah, we did talk about this about this yeah that's a real thing though shy dick yeah doug has shy dick he does like she really had to pry it out of him she was like a snake charmer she had a little flute come on doug i want you to fuck me Doug I know you won't even do a good job I don't care It's about the thrill It's about crushing my husband's dreams

Via a Doug fucking Yep so you guys did talk about Doug Just like that that was that was actually accurate we weren't pulling your chain i thought my chain had been being pulled um caleb's left us so now it's justice guys the justice guys justice guys we love the french uh electronic band justice yeah the justice league you would know them we know justice we Winslow. That's our favorite baller. Our favorite hoop man. That's why you're Winslow. Come on, bro.

Your wordplay sometimes, KB, is Battle Rap 2009. That was Kanye West. And his shit was all borrowing from Battle Rap. No, he was my E-Bombs World comments from 2007. Oh, really? Yeah. Old Kanye West was? What an absolute dog.

You know what else was going on in 2007? American hit TV show The Office was coming to air. Was it out in 2007, Steve? Yeah. The lovably... Fuck. The lovably... The lovably...

The lovably ubiquitous sitcom that just – A slice of life, really. It reminds you of home. There's a Dunder Mifflin. Am I right? I don't know. Familiar. It's familiar.

Paper companies are actually massive, though. They're juggernauts. In Wall Street they there's a big scene about a paper company and the board is 115 people paper companies are big so uh let's not forget that gentlemen okay thank you roan thank you roan that's pretty cool to know i can't wait to just uh forget that i don't know you might there might be a dark wait situation. Wait, what were we just talking about? Ah, fuck. No, before that. Doug? After that. The office? Your wordplay?

E-bombs world? Uh-huh. Okay. Let's get more into E-bombs world. No, no, come on. You talked about it like it was 2008 Battles Rock High. I don't want to talk about that. Paper company? You're in the company of? Paper. Paper. Oh, paper. You were making a lot of paper

back in that day. So what are we getting at, boys? Well, Monday's show, I don't know. Did we lay a stinker on Monday? Steven, do you have a fart sound effect we can go ahead and plop in?

Number seven, please. Fart sound effect seven. Thank you. And those guys have been working with us. Love those guys. Love those guys. Really good. It's not just because, yeah, it's not just the spa. Love those guys. Love those guys. It's not just the spa.

We love their product. We do. We love their fart sound effects. They're not the loudest farts, but they're the stinkiest. They only have the stinkiest farts. They're 4D or 2D, really. You hear them and you smell them. Yes.

A couple of dimensions. A couple of senses get touched. But we laid a stinker on Monday. And the funniest bit was... The entire show was not even a spoken audio. Folks listening at home, just hover over that plus 15 seconds button here because we are going into a bit, not even a bit. Brandon looked at me. And that is the highlight we're plucking from this episode.

That's as good as we could get. Actually, take this time to just throw us a good review. This is a good time to just review as well. Let the clip kind of happen in the background. Rest assured that someone's just looking at each other. KB's kind of silently grunting or having a conversation off the mic somewhere. This is one of KB and Nick's new special moves. During an ad read, they'll have a conversation a little bit to themselves maybe a couple my extroverts been

coming out but you were always you've always been it's been spurting out yeah yeah like a geyser what kind of geyser like old faithful the uh i could name a bunch but that's the one i think it resembled it's almost like when everybody else gets seasonal depression and the rest of the world gets really sad, you bloom. It's like you're springtime. I thrive in the winter. Yeah, why? When the elements are most undesirable.

Is that really what does it for you? You bought a new cloak. Is that right? I did. It was a penny coat. To go with your penny loafers. Darling. Well, of course. You know what? We're getting ahead of ourselves.

There's a six point ball. Let's listen to Brandon look at me. BMOC. So we're now going to be two out of three of the beefs. Do we have Hardy on the list? I'm working on it. Is it Matt or Jeff? I don't know which one to get in contact with. No, Jeff is the wrestler.

They were both wrestlers, Matt and Jeff. Matt's the wrestler, too? Matt Hardy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Hardy boy. So who's this one? Yeah, which one? It's just Hardy.

Lita? Hardy? Right. But is he H- H-A-R-D-Y. E-E. No, Y. I don't know why he spells it that way.

Let's see that That was a If I would have made that joke No you're right We need the sad trombone You're absolutely right Brandon's biting his tongue Trying not to make a

Carl's Jr. joke Hand up So we don't have Hardy yet Higher No it wasn't a Carl's Jr. joke It was Hardy's No I'm just doing the I'm doing the face you look

Yeah the look A furtive glance This is what it looked like You guys tell us how... Ro and I are about to do it. You tell us how disgusting it is. Oh, yeah. It looks like you guys are fucking.

You guys are post-coitus. A full lip post. Why are you doing it to me? Yeah, he is. What's chucking explained? Cucking. Oh, that must have been a typo okay now we're talking about like throwing something really hard we were you're like has anybody ever chucked your wife anybody ever chucked you what's the least i'm trying to think you you only say chuck when when what happens You really heave something.

Imagine getting chucked as a person. You're a grown man. I actually got chucked. No exaggeration. It was at Spinnaker Nightclub in Panama City Beach. When people say I got thrown out of the bar, they mean they got asked to leave or forced to leave did they pick you up by the back of your overalls i got literally chucked i went the the large bouncer picked me up by what and threw me and i under the arc i made what could be described as a as a chucking a parabola what did he pick you up by your under your armpits i

had the hang time of an average punt. Did you flail? Because I think if a human is chucked, then you were not chucked if you didn't flail. I landed and I did a somersault. Okay, then you may have been chucked. Was the bouncer a male cheerleader? Yes. Don't even start because I feel like I know where you're going.

They have the strongest upper bodies in athletics. No shit. I'm not disparaging. Probably lower bodies too because it's like a clean and jerk that they're kind of doing like you have to pick the lady up and then hoist them to a different what did you do to get the chuck i think i um try to do pull-ups from the pipes and then one of them burst and there was a big water spill everyone had to leave like 10 minutes after i got chucked because it was flooding so they didn't even have to leave like 10 minutes after I got chucked because it was flooding. So they didn't even have to chuck you that you would have left naturally or you would just get swept away.

The worst part, I was going to do probably 30 because I was in my prime as a wrestler. And I only got to three before it broke. So like the people watching were like, he can maybe do three to five. That's the most embarrassing part. Not you, a grown man being thrown three and a half pull-ups uh broke uh the pipes breaking the pipes was kind of cool it's funny but then i got tossed and why did you why did that you wouldn't just leave under your own power or out of shame at that point i believe me ron i'm gonna stay i was kind of like shocked i can do more

pull-ups trying to find different things to do pull-ups on. Just like the red rope around the VIP section. You're trying to launch some chin-ups. What's the worst name to get chucked by? What's a weak name? Yeah. Nick? Adam.

Liam kind of is. Wyatt. Wyatt is a weak name? Yeah. Nick? Adam. Liam kind of is. Wyatt? Wyatt is a strong man. Okay. Yeah. A corn-fed country boy. Or someone who can shoot the skin off your breast. That was stupid of me.

That was dumb as hell. Brent? No, Brent is probably a meathead. I'm thinking like Dennis. Dennis? Yeah, that's a freckled and bespeckled. That's fucking the bad combination. Dennis. Dennis, yeah, that's a freckled and bespeckled. That's fucking the bad combination. Dennis.

Tevin. I think it's Tevin Coleman, though. You get one good basketball player or one good football player, that's one of the names, and it'll ruin a wimpy name forever. Yeah. Rufus. No, those are strong names. Rufus is a grizzled trucker. Fuck, I'm like channeling little puppies.

No, Rufus is a big puppy. Rufus is a big red dog, isn't he? Like, he's the definition of big and red. No, that's Clifford. Oh, fuck. But that's a bad name to be chucked by. Clifford. Yeah, true.

It's true. Cliff-ka-chuck. Clifford. Oh, agreed. What about Keith? Keith-ka-chuck. Oh. chuck okay getting a keith to chuck keith's get chucked yeah they do keith could maybe chuck um a stapler that's run out into a trash can why would he why wouldn't he just refill yeah i forgot i was trying to think of

you've been dumb i can't think of an office tool that just you throw away what about like a dried up highlighter a dried up highlighter good one this next segment is brought to you by cross-country mortgage america's crazy good mortgage company cross-country merge combines a people-first mindset with a dedication to the fundamentals of mortgage lending which results in a easy, and stress-free home financing or refinancing experience. Now, Cross Country Mortgage has solutions that will serve virtually every mortgage solution from first-time homebuyers, military veterans, and people with less than stellar credit. They're also licensed in all 50 states and offer a broad portfolio of traditional and niche loan products. When you want to buy a home, they can get it done quickly.

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He's a high T-cuck. He just realizes it. The rarest of the rare. Yeah, he just lives in it. He just grows hair out of spite. You're like the alpha of all the people. So if there's a certain population that gets cucked a lot, you're the top one of them.

You're like the next up, you would not be getting cucked at all. I'm known around the community. It's like, damn, that dude's like the most badass cuck. Everything will come around and there will be a time when the cuck is the most venerated member of society. The man who is so rich that he doesn't even have to fuck his wife,

that he just gets to sit back with his shriveled trimtick and just like lets his wife, he's just concerned about money and eating fatty meats and he just sits back. I love the idea of a real judgmental cock. Yeah.

He like makes the guy nervous. He's sitting in the corner with a clipboard, just shaking his head like a disappointed dad. And he's just like, dude, you suck. Maybe try that again. Only four ropes tonight, Doug. His legs with

the woman's cross. Just stroking, just doing the boss. His facial expression doesn't change. Putting the fingertips together. Just It's not going to be enough That's all you got for her? So that's how you decided to fuck my wife tonight?

She's being polite about it You're not so much for me We'll get back to you We'll call you Don't worry about calling us You did your best I could really tell you to try it as hard as you could We'll see you.

Bye. He lied on his resume about how veiny his dick was. And they're just laughing after he leaves over a bottle of wine. And this guy is ashamed. He walks out sweating not because of the sex, but because of the

anxiety and the nerves. And he, in turn, got cucked in a way. He did. Emotionally. Emotionally cucked. Just a sociopath cuckold. Yes, it really is. It's like the new mental version of cucking.

You're transcending past the point of the sexual gratification of the cucking, and it's just making somebody feel less than by judging them. Well, you think think fuck your wife. No, you like walk in as your girl's cheating on you and you're like, no, keep going. I want to see where you're going with this. Oh.

Make it worth my time. Oh, goodness. That was cute. No, keep going. It's not bad. I mean, you you're new to this isn't he adorable honey and the guy like he fucks you yeah the guy who's doing the cucking like looks over his shoulder for approval he's looking over he's like no keep going he's just not enough and he like doubles down but now i'm not i'm not here oh goodness gracious gross it's because you're so physically weak nick that your brain works so

well exactly that there has to be some type of correlation i'm afraid is that an impression of me who is that an impression of ron it is in some ways and it's not an impression of Nick but it's an impression of Nick on paper. Do you know what I mean? Yes. If someone described Nick physically and just his sensibilities like Nick. Yeah, mannerisms. If you had to transcribe his mannerisms it would be

that character. It's like LA sensibilities with West Virginia. Because you are from... You're from the Sticks, right? I was born in an old steel town. A steel mill town.

But then there's like... Yeah, so you have these liberal, seemingly liberal sensibilities. I don't want to put that on you. Seemingly. I think that's fair. He looks that's fair. He looks like a poet. If he was hanging out anywhere and someone had to describe him to a sketch artist, he'd be like, yeah, he's a poet.

Draw a guy that pronounces the P in raspberry. It would just be like a photorealistic sketch of me. You look like the mannequin a scarf would go on your vibe but then we find out that you're from west virginia the home of uh uh fracking and uh and uh coal mines and uh men who can't get off of suboxone. They just love suboxone when they can't get any Oxycontin. So yeah, it was just a persona. It was a personified version of me who was a person.

I didn't know you could do that, but you guys sure did. And yeah, it was a caricature of me. Well, we did a lot of it, so let's just show it off. Shall we jump in? These coastal elites couldn't start up a hemi if they... I don't even know.

These fuckboys couldn't change a tire if they tried their hardest, my sweet. Shan't we go mudding? My hon. We'll drink some... What's a turkey-ass... You know what? We did it better on this. Yeah, we did. Let's jump into it. Let's just jump into that

Nick actually You look like a lib from West Virginia I may be Is there any truth to that Are you trying to brawl out with some coal miners What makes you say I'm a lib It's just kind of the ensemble Kind of the

Outfit I'm a high-T, badass dude. From the sticks. That's true. That's true. I'm from the sticks. Don't you know? Does my appearance belie the fact that I'm from the sticks?

Laborals in the sticks. What is the... I'm from the sticks. What is the... I'm from the sticks. Why don't you understand, honey? I was born and raised in the sticks, down on a holler. What are we going to do about the manufacturing jobs, honey? For the sticks. If we close down fracking, then what?

You wouldn't last a day in the boonies. The town was built on coal. Go to the Cracker Barrel, my sweet. Built different, Stanley. We're a different breed. Why, most of the boys are hooked on Oxycontin, don't you know? Oh, God. This sticks.

Honey, you can't do it like that. Let's head down to the holler. Can you believe it? He's visiting our little shanty town. I love his comedic styling. Believe it or not, Mr. The Cable Guy, gentlemen, came through town. I love his belated. Lawrence, do you know who he is?. The Cable Guy gentleman came through town. I love it's been laid in.

Lawrence? Lawrence the Cable Man? Mr. Foxworthy came in. Ron White's in town. We were chuckling start to finish. He had some anti-Semitism that tickled me pink. So, Nick, I guess that's a pretty good representation of your inner child, your inner voice. But now the intricacy. Certainly, Dad.

I don't really sound like that, so I don't know why you guys... Your family's predisposition towards heroin-like substances. Narcotics Anonymous, boys. Yeah. You know what hit close to home. No, I got plenty of friends that have died off heroin, but

it's not specific to you. You want to give them a little shout-out? They know who they are. They definitely know who they are. They do. So whether it's related to topics like that or probably not, but for podcast listeners, if you're listening in right now, this is exclusive content that you would only get on a podcast but there is a world where you the podcast listener gets everything kind of spoon fed to yourself in the future because of the intricacies of our serious channel right now and i think that there's a chance that we could go towards more of a podcast thing i don't know should we are we allowed to talk about serious

on podcast i know we're not allowed to talk about the podcast on serious i think we can it's public i feel confident nobody in here knows what's gonna happen we don't and yeah we don't know we're speculating we're on spec mode spec mode yeah we're be speckled we're like ben franklin in this bitch yeah so uh we don't know what's gonna happen but we do know that no matter what brandon walker is going to be working harder than any of us motherfucks without a doubt and so we got to wondering the walker constant it's a law yeah i think enrico fermi came up with the walker constant and he just realized that that dude is going to work hard as fuck no matter what and if serious kind of seeds way to uh a different medium then brandon walker might be the conduit through which we conduct all of our business and i think that we got pretty close to finding out a perfect schedule where it's just all brandon walker all the time much and he

reluctantly would accept the mantle yeah and having it being named after him paintings of him on the wall effigies of him that we burn he would hate that despise that yeah he'd be like a turkish leader who's turkish a drogan a turkish leader in all seriousness brandon would be in his glory he's as humble as he is symmetrical yeah that that would be a utopia to him and he looks like half of him had a stroke brandon is so jealous of jim carrey and the truman show it stole my life i stole my concept uh so so we figured it out. And, well, we could listen better than we could. We could play it back better than we could tell you. I'll be the first.

I'll be the first to admit that. Yeah, I'll be the first to admit that. I'll be me first in line to admit that. So after I admitted it, then you were next, right, Nick? I think it was like we probably said it close to the exact same time maybe me a little bit before you just like a tiny bit all right so i admitted i admitted this next segment is brought to you by manscape the world's best brand for my balls manscape of course partners at manscape are here to encourage you of taking care of your manhood and your nose

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our last week of shows ever not yet the serious we're playing i don't even know if i can talk about it on serious they're gonna cut my mic? Maybe. Dave's playing hardball. They've got to pay us more. We've said this, too. It's not a surprise. I think most people saw Dave's tweet coming from months and months. Sirius, you've got to back up the truck. Back that shit up.

Back that Briggs truck up. We need that skadoosh. Put us in the seats. We've got an audience that will go anywhere. I, for one, would love a bag from somewhere. But I guess the only thing I would say is confidently that if you are worried about this show, if you're a listener to this show, this show will continue in some iteration if the serious truck never shows up. Wait, is the second hour coming back? But it'll come back as the written word. We're going to write it down.

Rowan and I actually are going to go back into quarantine and go back to doing it from his... From my couch. So while negotiations are going on with Dave and Sirius and whoever's talking, can we as a show come up with our own yak demands? Sure, what would you like to demand? I just wanted to put that out there if we wanted to come up with our own.

A buffet. A daily buffet. Braided belt? That's already been taken care of. I have that. Supposedly. No, it's incubating. You're creating the belt? No, it's incubating. It's made and it's just sitting there.

It's in its incubation phase, and you're going to get it eventually. Brandon wants his own channel. Yes. He wants his own serious channel. Fill out the schedule. What's the schedule look like? Slightly less powerful, 86. Yeah, do it.

Give us a Brandon Walker channel schedule. You have enough shows for a channel. There's the breakfast hour, which is just about breakfast. Are you nervous, by the way, about Kate doing a new show with Pat? No, I'm not nervous at all. Why'd your voice go up? I don't know. It didn't.

Okay. All right. Breakfast hour. Breakfast. But as soon as she started doing a show about being gay, you started doing more stuff with Ben Bishop. That was already in the plans. I didn't know about Kate. So she's stealing your shit so it's a direct rival show yeah right did you kiss ben i did not kiss big ben bishop last night we uh we did some stuff little little hand stuff otp i did some promos kiss on the first date i just suck them

off i did some promos and i'm now his, and we did an angle where we kicked his old manager to the curb. And you sucked him. I didn't suck anybody. It was a great time. You blew his old manager to the curb. Big Ben Bishop is phenomenal. He's going to be a huge deal in that industry. We know you think he's phenomenal.

He is. In all aspects. He's great. He's a great future star. And you clearly hear me admitting that before that clip, if you listen back. But more importantly, we got to celebrate Brandon Walker a little bit. It's funny, though, because he does a lot of shows, but he counts this podcast as one of the shows that he does. He does, as a full one.

Houdini. He's not here. He's disappeared. Gone. He's Crisp Angel, and he's just not in this bitch at all. Crisp Angel. Crisp, yeah. He's not here. He's disappeared. Gone. He's Crisp Angel and he's just not in this bitch at all. Crisp Angel. Crisp, yeah. Sounds like a cereal. Crisp Angel. Pasta cereal.

What is some good magic toys? A wand. A top hat. A rabbit. A card. Wands, top hats, and rabbits. Try the Crisp Angels. Rowan, you want a piece of gum yeah yeah

my hunger has disappeared god damn uh speaking of things that disappeared I don't have a segue to this but KB uh

your ass was rapping this week man you were putting some bars down and I'm not talking about Xanaxes and I'm not talking about putting some bars down. And I'm not talking about Xanaxes. And I'm not talking about you laying railroads down.

And I'm not talking about you constructing new watering holes for people to drink at. What about like a legal test of some sort? Yes. Yeah. That was conducting a law school entrance test. Those were not the bars you were laying. Okay. Different bars.

Talking about rap. You were rapping, and much like Kanye West, you were rapping Lil Wayne, who's also a rapper. He has a song from 2009, kind of little known. Yeah. Never really went mainstream. It's called Alphabet Bitches. Alphabet Bitches, quite frankly, may be the most vulgar song i've ever heard why especially with all this wop talk and like uh it's getting a lot of headlines for being inappropriate right alphabet bitches was just crude start to finish

and did you it's i don't understand in situations like this did you memorize I memorized it word for word at the time? At age 15 solely so I could recite it to my three friends at the lunch table. And we were all very, very virgin boys. This is a tune about fucking 26

different women. At least that helped me memorize it because it had a built in mnemonic device. because it had a built-in mnemonic device. The alphabet. The ultimate mnemonic device. Yes. But at the same time, though, why don't we start teaching the alphabet to our children

through Lil Wayne lyrics? I'm tired of... The E is for Ever Elegant Erica. Sweet red bitch. We used to call her Miss America. Now I ain't gonna lie. Erica is a dog. Oh.

Oh shit. She done fucked them all. But is she elegant or is she a dog? Because it seems like Mr. Wayne contradicted himself for the sake of rhyming. You guys don't think there can be an elegant

dog? Don't question Little Wayne. Well, name one. I've seen Westminster every year. Yeah, I watch Westminster too, and you've never seen the Yorkshire strutting? I find it base and bitch-like. I'm not impressed by a Yorkshire strut. I don't find it elegant at all.

And that's what he means by a red bitch is dog like. Yeah, and he really got lazy with the N and the O. He just said, and the N is for Nicole who's fucking Olivia, and then he just went to pee. Wait, Nicole's fucking Olivia? Nicole, yes.

But what about him? He never specified. Olivia, that's why he got lazy with the O. I don't think Lil Wayne was fucking any women whose name began with an O. What about like an Ophelia or something like that? I mean, that's embarrassing. An Oprah. You don't think Lil Wayne fucked Oprah? I don't think everybody's fucking an O.

What about Omarosa? You don't think that in 07 when Omarosa was on Celebrity Apprentice you don't think that he was I don't think he fucked any Os. He wanted to fuck everyone. Nick, man, you used to fuck Olga Pataki.

Well, the voice actress. The voice actress for Olga Pataki. I did, yes. Really? Once. Pretty impressive, Nick. She's all fucking hung up on me, though. I don't really want to bring that up.

Fair enough. We won't. So let's get into this song. Get your bars off, KB. You should do an episode like how much pussy would KB get if he was a pro golfer? Like he could get any more.

I know. KB always... You're at max puss level? I think. I really fucking think. Just hopped out? You know? You don't really know when you're at your peak. You're like a young Chamberlain.

I feel like I'm aware. I have the wherewithal to know I'm at my pussy. Way down. Fuck. You remember the song Alphabet Bitches by Lil Wayne? I do. How did it go again? I spent hours learning the lyrics as a sophomore in high school.

What were it? Just to recite it at the lunch table to my virgin friends. What were they? It was vulgar. That's the kind of shit you don't forget though. Yeah. If you code it into your brain. What was A?

The A is for Ashley. She's always asking me to take it out her pussy, put it right in her ass. The B is for Brittany. She's right in the class, but she hates on Ashley because she's tight in the ass. C is for Brittany she's right in the class but she hates on Ashley because she's tight in the ass C is for

Christina she wants me to big screen her but the way she dick kiss it should be a misdemeanor oh Ben Bishop's on the line okay fine we'll have Brandon's lover let's get him after G

no Brandon you make this show about you and your wrestling on the line. Okay, fine. We'll have Brandon's lover. Let's get him after G. No, listen. No, Brandon, you make this show about you and your wrestling. I've been asking, but can't find her ever since I've been with Diamond, with Diamonds in her vagina. Can we get this song played? And the E is forever elegant Erica. Sweet red bitch. We used to call her Miss America.

But I gotta tell my story. I had to do it It's good Maybe fast forward That's right Mr. Mean I'm so amiss Nuh uh I've been searching

But can't find her Ever since I've been With Diamond With Diamond Kinda sounds like Gilly the Kid Kinda sounds like He was in his

Getting shit written By Gilly the Kid face I'm Miss America I ain't gonna lie Erica is a dog But to them Da da da da, da, da. Fuck them all.

Slim, the F is for fat. A real skinny ho, so you know why they call her that. All right. Turn it off. Keep going. Keep going. What'd that do for your swag? I was still I was in the midst of puberty

So my voice would crack I didn't have flow I didn't really do anything But now you have flow The K is for Kia I hate that bitch Because she's super fucking fly But she can't take that dick.

Nice. Did other girls overhear you and think like, wow, that guy is sexually experienced? Can you do it out of order? If I say, I can do it backwards. Kyle has 26 girlfriends. You get pulled over by a cop. That's a West Virginia DUI test. It's just backwards.

Z? How long did it take you to memorize it? Really fast. Embarrassingly fast. Really? Yeah. You're good at this. A lot of mnemonic devices.

Did SpongeBrain. It was the alphabet, yeah. Z. They did a cop-out with a few, like X. It was like Xerxes from Mortal Kombat. Xerxes from 300. What's he sound like? Xerxes. Xerxes from Mortal Kombat. Xerxes from 300. What's he sound like? Xerxes.

Yeah. He sounds like Barrett Trump. Barrett Trump voice. That is the genesis of it, sadly. Gangland. What if a quarterback completed four out of his five passes or a point guard hits four out of five shots from behind the arc with virtual fans cheering him on of course well now when you're hiring you can play at that level because four out of five employers who post on zip recruiter get a quality candidate

within the first day no matter what industry health care to manufacturing to business services zip recruiter makes hiring faster and easier. And today you can try ZipRecruiter.com slash yak for free. ZipRecruiter does not wait for the right candidates to find you. ZipRecruiter's AI scouts talent for you. First, when you post your job on ZipRecruiter, it sends it out to over a hundred of the top job sites. Then ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology learns what you're looking for,

identifies the people with the right skills and experience, and invites them to apply for your job. Get qualified candidates fast. And now, try ZipRecruiter for free. For Yak listeners, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Yak, Y-A-K, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Y-A-K, ZipRecruiter.com slash y-a-k ziprecruiter.com slash yak ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire we also talked a little bit about um about the bible we got into the bible

good book yeah oh a very well actually isn't it it's funny that they don't call it the best book. It's the Ohio State University of books, of good books. The good book. Yeah, it is. But it's just good, though. We can't get a better superlative than good. Holy. The holiest book. Yeah.

This past week, I interviewed a priest, and man, this dude was an energetic priest. He has like 400,000 followers on TikTok. I don't trust him. Oh, no. He's wildly energetic. He's into action sports. He's very- I've never hated anyone more.

That's all I need. What kind of action sport? Does he scuba dive in ball pits? Dude, yeah. He's into grabbing little kids' ankles but how fucking weird is confession we don't have to include this no we should include it because it is so odd it's just like all right um you're you guys are 12 year old boy this is like in catholic schools you guys are 12 year old boys it's a sin to masturbate um now we're going to confession and yeah. Sit in this little room.

Tell this old man about you tugging your dick. Yes. In detail. It is a mortal sin. How many times have you done it my son? And you can't see each other. It's very specific that you can't see each other and he's got a bucket at his feet. This is like pre

irony and nihilism. So we're like fuck I have to tell him yes or i will go to hell i have to tell them about my pornography and my masturbation habits and this guy was like is anything else is that all like that was someone's job like to do like the catholics grade schools like to listen to kids describing like a book like he's the guy who wrote the art of the deal and he's just like sitting there like a little more. He's just hearing that. Share a little more.

What else do you have? Nick has always wondered about how they assign the retribution. Yeah, penance. Is there a sheet? Is there like a multiplication table? Like, all right, he's 15. He masturbated six times. That's 12 Hail Mary. How does he figure out what there's

probably like a mathematical way to test that i think we might have to do that but what about like outliers though like what about when kb had like his uh infamous 17 jo week and fucking there's nothing on the chart for this there's some things that can't be measured. We'll put that priest in a pickle. He busts out his calculator. Fellas, we three might have to head down to St. Pat's and hop in a booth and figure out who can get the longest penance. Regardless, though, I met up with this priest and he was thrown around. He was talking.

He started weeping at one point during the interview. I wanted to cry back at him just to show how fucking deep into the interview. I was willing tears out of my eyes. They didn't come eventually. But later that day, we parked in a parking lot. And we were next to a dumpster. And we looked over. There was a book next to the dumpster. And it was the fucking Bible.

And we were like, holy shit. And so my cameraman and I, we squatted down next to the Bible. We're like, let's send a picture over to this priest because we had just gotten right with God. We talked to the priest and we know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. We squatted down next to the Bible. We both stood up and simultaneously we both almost passed the fuck out. You guys have iron deficiency. We both almost fainted.

Sure, we have sickle cell anemia. Sure, there's no drug to cure it these days or even a good test. But we both stood up fast and we almost passed out. And fellas, I think that it's something to do with the Bible, the priest, and I think that I need to learn a little bit more about the Bible. I think, yeah, the power of one of the five foremost biblical entities. Well, yeah. Everybody has a favorite biblical character.

KB is obviously Seth. Sure. I was going to wait for that one. KB's never slow played a hand. KB's favorite is Bathsheba, the naked woman in the bath. And mine is Barabbas. Yeah. And Roan.

I love Ruth. I love Joshua, Judges, and Ruth. Those are my favorite three books in a row, but, uh, they're also my favorite because they form their own sentence.

Three of the only, uh, books in a row that form a sentence, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, but, uh,

one we didn't even get to. KB. Um, well, it's Seth. Damn, I didn't even think about him. I'll be. Hopefully we can learn a little bit. Let's play the clip.

He's probably the first Caleb to ever die. I was thinking Caleb is... No, there's no old ass living... No, dude, biblical Caleb's. They don't count. There's biblical Seth's. No, Caleb was like... They made those up post. In post. There was no way

Adam and Eve named their son Seth. Wait, they did? Yeah. Yeah. Their third son. No way. Seth, there was no Seth in the Bible. Freckly no way. He was able with Seth. Seth, there was no Seth. He was a freckly Jewish kid. What the fuck, Seth? And he was like, why are my brothers always fighting?

No, he was like the god, the reincarnation of Abel. What? He was like the replacement. Like, Abel died. He was murdered by his brother with a stone. And he had asthma. Seth showed up. And then Seth came.

No one fucking knows about him. And his name is Seth. He had a notoriously stuffed nose. It was like, alright, this guy probably sucked and was inconsequential. But he lived to 145. And had like 16 children. And it's hilarious to be like literally

the fifth human being on Earth. Top five chronological humans. Yes. And Seth. No one cares about you. You were five. I'm trying to think. Seth.

You're the fifth guy to show up to the whole world. And today is how old I was when I found out about Seth. Fucking loser. That's what Buzzkill was. I think more Catholics know who. Zacchaeus. Seth McFarland. Seth Curry.

Green. Seth. Rogan. Seth Rogan. There has to be some shittier ones. Seth Myers. Seth Myers. There was a bad quarterback named Seth. What was it? Rosenfeld. No, it's Sage.

Doesn't matter. You guys get my point. There was a Tulane quarterback named Seth. What was it? Rosenfeld. No, let's see. Doesn't matter. You guys get my point. There was a Tulane quarterback named Seth, right? Well, go ahead, Nick. You know more football than everyone. You still mad about that? I know it. I've known it.

I just like watching you guys flounder. He's forgotten more than we know. At this point, I like saying it because Nick actually is fine with it. It's you that it hurts. Seth Deggie. There it is. Texas Tech quarterback. Seth may cause someone to give up Catholicism.

Like, wow, I'm a fake Catholic. I never heard of him. Or they're just like, there's no way that's his name. If this is a lie, what else is? Yeah, as I'm saying, it makes him stop believing. That's the most unbelievable thing in the entire Bible. Derek, you were a man of such faith. How did you lose your religion?

It's like a best of radio podcast. They brought up really good points about, I don't know what happens after death. If one thing's a lie, where do the lies stop? It just makes me want to take down all the lowercase t's in my house i'm just gonna set all these lowercase t's on fire speaking of put them in the lawn speaking of we found out something big about caleb this week yeah yeah he is um depending on who you are you might love this for him. You might hate it. But at the same time,

is anybody really surprised? Caleb Press Lee. He's Press and he's Lee. What's more yak than that? The homie is Press Lee. The homie is Press Lee. Yeah, we talked. One of his very close family members is

Ariel. Ariel. Ariel. I. Ariel. I'm not going to say it. Don't go there. I'm not going to say it. Ariel Stein, is that what you're going to say? I don't... Yeah.

Ariel Speedwagon? Yeah, I was going to say Speedwagon. Okay. I was going to think of a rhyme for Speedwagon. It couldn't... That is a tough one. That is a tough one. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck, fuck. Take a second. Let the... And I'm also trying to make it sexual, so... They're like, yeah, yeah, fuck, fuck. Take a second. And I'm also trying to make it sexual. I thought you were trying to make it about the Confederacy. Or do you need all three? Do you want the Orion's belt of stars wagon? Yeah.

All right. Orion's the seed wagon. I think we have to take Rowan to the south. I don't think he's ever been. Nor the Great Plains. This is a wild southern show. Southern, southern, southern. Four of you guys are southern.

No, we're not southern. Yeah, you are. West Virginia. I need to say cashew again. Need I say cashew? Explain why every street's named after Robert E. Lee. Well, that's just ideological. They were southern. Southern ideology. No, it's not that Lee They were Southern. Support ideology.

No, it's not that Lee. It's Bruce's nephew, Bobby. Bobby Lee. Remember when they canceled that guy for doing the Virginia game? Yeah, that was stupid. Bobby Lee? It was an ESPN announcer. I think he was Asian, and his name was Robert Lee.

It was right after Charlottesvilleville and they took him off the game. I'm related to Robert E. Lee. What? Yeah. How? My dad is in his bloodline. My dad is in the Lee family. There's nothing wrong with him being a dude.

The guy's old. He's dead. Can't be mad at his lineage. Yeah, you should get your family crest tatted on you. Yeah. What is it? Like a lowercase T on fire? You can't blame people for

who their great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfathers are. I agree with that. I agree with that take. You can't blame people. You can't... That's why, like, isn't, like, Ben Laden's niece, like, a venture capitalist now or some shit like that? Ben? She's making it... Ben's niece? Ben Laden? niece, like a venture capitalist now or some shit like that. She's making it. She's in like fucking Forbes now.

She's like a fucking high powered like New York attorney or some shit like that. Can't blame people for who they're related to. She just goes by BL. Unless you marry into it. Unless you selectively I marry her and I take her last name.

Well, there's got to be money. Goldstein, Lawton. That would actually be very funny. As a bit. As a bit to marry her. A lifelong oath to her family. As a bit. I mean, they definitely move their money around. You don't think that the Bin Ladens were genius

at moving their money around. There's definitely some shit hidden somewhere. Some hard drives. You guys should do an irony simulator. Yeah, how would that work? That would probably suck. We probably wouldn't really like it. It would definitely suck.

I wouldn't like it, but I'll play it. Just never play it? No, I'd play it all the time, but not really like it. You actually like this? Hand me the fucking controller. Let me try this. This game sucks. As you play it for 22 hours later.

This game's so stupid. Did you hear about George and Linda? I can't get it out. Get it out. Get it out. George and Linda been laid in. It's their boy, Ozzy Osmond. Bin Laden.

You think she introduces herself and people see it? Stop running around with that Ozzy fellow. It's Bin Laden. It's Bin Laden. Bin Laden. It's Osmond. Bin Laden. Bin Laden boy. That's Lawton boy. Osmond. Lawton boy. He's nothing but trouble.

Do you think there's anyone whose last name is Layden and they named their son Ben? Ben Layden. Ben Layden. I want to go with a Ben Ghazi. Ooh. Very good sculptor. There's no chance.

He's a very, very good sculptor. Look him up. Ghazi? Yeah. You can't very good sculptor. Look him up. Ghazi? Yeah. We can't. We can't. We literally cannot. I don't want that on my SEO.

Caleb's breaking the rules. I don't want that on my search engine. Well, Benghazi isn't offensive, is it? It is a city. It just no exists, but like, who knows? If you ask about Hillary Clinton's emails, it's pretty offensive. Pizzagate? She's just emailing left and right about Benghazi.

What a simple time that that's all we had to... There was the glory days. Was that some funny shit or what, motherfucks? Fuck yeah. The best time I like to laugh, midday Friday. Yeah. If only... That's where i get my laugh dump out i just try and dump all my last friday laugh dump you just get all your laughs at your

day friday and if i'm say i'm in um honolulu maybe in the morning yeah but if i'm off the coast of nova scotia early evening friday yeah and if you are in uh ulan batar mongolia then rome this is a saturday alley oop yeah This is a Saturday thing. Al-Yoop. Yeah, this is a Saturday thing, of course. Well, guess what, my motherfucking slime. You're in luck. Because this very podcast comes out Fridays too. Yes, that's the drop.

That's when it drops every week. So we're going to be bringing you that shit right to your front door. So just make sure you're downloading the Yak podcast. It's in your comedy section. Rate us. Subscribe to us. Review us. Tell your friends.

Let's do some fucking merch. Yes. Yeah. What about some ironic merch, my boys? What do you think? Yeah, I would like that a ton like something like something cool that's not cool or something like old like an old design that everybody forgot about or some shit like that yeah what about like those old nike tees that were basketball like rebound the

basketball but we have one like that it was just like uh was that ever a t-shirt that just said the phrase rebound the basketball i think nike did stuff like that pass me the damn rock they always shoehorn that's kind of cool throw me the football we need one like that just tune in to the yak at two that's ironic that is yeah appropriately bad fellas i don't want to brag too much but i'm wearing one of your guys's ironic shirts right now oh my milky shit fellas Remember when we dropped that joint? Yeah. To the tune of... To the tune of dozens of buys,

I'm sure. We definitely almost got hit like that double-digit merch bonus. Yeah, that fat threshold. Yeah, we actually owe the company money. You can print shirts, but it's going to have to be out of your own pocket. We're going to need you to pay the up-front

costs on these ones. Maybe buy a screen printer. We're going to buy a screen printer. We'll toy with some stuff. But this is a good thing to leave in the comments maybe for the people. Suggestions of merch. Because if you suggest something that we wind up using, we're going to send you that shit for free.

That's a fair trade-off. Let's do some non-traditional merch. Crop tops, but it's only the sleeves and the belly part of the shirt. So it's cropped, but a reverse crop top. You were tinkering around with the idea of

your own shirt idea. Nick Central. It wasn't just the absence. I'm going to try to sell nothing. The absence of a shirt on the store. Five bucks. You can actually get a box.

Oh, you get the box. Free box. So is it five bucks plus shipping and handling? Yes. Yeah. I didn't know if the five bucks covered the shipping and handling. Because then you're actually taking a haircut on the box if you're only sent if it's five bucks for the box and you know what i mean the shipping yeah i know exactly what you mean a haircut um we'll be back

do we have like a sign off a catchphrase that's how about it or that's yak yeah that's yeah this is this has been this you know