The Yak - Office Talent Show Is Capped Off With A Great Kate Story | The Yak 6-10-22

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Kate is ultimate 10xYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/barstoolyak...

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey Yak listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. It's the Yak Yeah, come on over Come on over, baby BB's at a wedding Date It's the Yak Or as Big Cat would say Ho! Hey-o! He does always start with a
Starting point is 00:00:35 Ho! It's a Friday, Yak Yeah So Let's break the news to the boys in the booth It's a five-hour Yak today, boys Hey-o! Oh, boys. Hey, yo. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:00:46 Zah. Show your real reaction, Zah. Show your real reaction, Zah. Don't try cast away from your real reaction. Zah, are you a little hungover, Zah? A little bit. Yeah? A little bit.
Starting point is 00:00:57 Sending off tweets. I woke up at 8, and I saw Zah tweeted like four hours ago. He said it was just a dust up on January 6th. That's not what's going on. Trail of deleted tweets. Build that wall. Big day, boys. The anniversary, I promised we'd do this.
Starting point is 00:01:14 Yeah, you did. Of when Bobby Valentino did Thank you. Valentino Day, boys. Like a cop car. Also, coincidentally, it's Pokey Reese's birthday. Yay! Oh, what?
Starting point is 00:01:28 It's Reese Valentino Day, boys. How is that possible? I know. How is that fucking possible? I chose two things that are on the same day for one payoff years down the line. And we're finally here, brother. Boys and Kate. Same difference.
Starting point is 00:01:44 Get up, Pauline, yeah. Dude, how long has this been planned for, Nick? What? This party. Party? Yeah, how long have you been planning this? I mean, I had to order this unbranded champagne, and it takes a long time to get in.
Starting point is 00:01:58 It takes a while to unbrand champagne. It's like... Yeah. Kate, you can open it, but you can't drink it, because, well, we on the show know why. Sass, pop that. Have you ever, yeah, you can open it, but you can't drink it. Oh, we on the show. No. Sass pop that. Have you ever popped champagne?
Starting point is 00:02:09 Sass? Haven't. No, I think this is the perfect time. Aim for the lights. Happy Valentino Reese. Wow. Reese Valentino.
Starting point is 00:02:21 However you would like to those who celebrate. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, to those who celebrate at the GoFest. This is Valentino's biggest hit. He tried to make other vehicles.
Starting point is 00:02:33 Oh! Oh, my Lord! He already just went for that gun. What the fuck? I gotta tell you, that happens to me all the time. It's not your first time? That's a touch.
Starting point is 00:02:48 We're just popping off. Sorry about that. Normally you have to push. I didn't have to. Boys, get in here. I don't know. It's a re-spell. Take the metal part off.
Starting point is 00:02:59 That's when it explodes. No, no, no. You still have to push it after the metal part goes off. I'm not fucking with you. I'll just use my pants to dry this out. There you go. That's why you have long pants. Bottom half's for drying. Bottom, no, no. You still have to push it after the metal part goes off. I'm not fucking with you. I'll just use my pants to dry this side. There you go. That's why you have long pants. Bottom half's for drying.
Starting point is 00:03:09 Bottom half's for drying. Everybody knows that. Oh, no. It's not going to go when you just pull that metal down. Pull that metal down with me when you do it. Pulling the metal down doesn't make it pop. Just go to untwist that and take it off. Yeah, untwist it.
Starting point is 00:03:21 I'm scared. Don't be scared, brother. Don't be scared. Is this what a bra hook is like? I just did law. Sass is just like, no, I like your he sucks titties through the bra. All right, Rowan, I'm going to take the thing off.
Starting point is 00:03:37 No, no, no, no. Oh! Okay. Jesus Christ. Why'd you shake that I didn't I did He was just shaking them on a I mean you guys were playing
Starting point is 00:03:50 Cop car You don't want me to shake Yeah you naturally You guys were playing Miss officer I mean Woo Wee wee wee Officer
Starting point is 00:04:00 Dude Nick Man Valentino I heard you got Your big break on a Wayne song. You know how to set the verse. And bars. What if Lil Wayne insisted he had a ghostwriter for it? Valentino's like, you've got to write Misconductor.
Starting point is 00:04:15 I got the perfect, I got the bars for it. Choo, choo, choo. He's Wayne. You wouldn't even let him write his own onomatopoeia. Somebody ghostwrote for Valentinoino for this Do you want any? I mean, Sass has a bottle down there Oh, you poured some Oh, I got you guys
Starting point is 00:04:33 Zah Zah Hair the dog, Zah Yep If you're hungover, this is the best way to Oh, and it smells inexpensive It smells stronger than that 151 Is this malt champagne?
Starting point is 00:04:46 I got it across the street. It's really cheap. I love it. How much? $8, but then I got a bottle of Hennessy. It reminded me of her, so I grabbed her the bottle. And then you dropped it off in front of every black person. You just got to drink it out the bottles.
Starting point is 00:05:06 Bring it in there. Just drink it out the bottle, boys. Nice. All right. We'll go around and say your favorite Reese Valentino memory. We'll start with Che. Sorry, what was the question? Just your favorite Reese Valentino memory.
Starting point is 00:05:27 Pokey Reese played for the Pirates, I know, then I think he also played for the Reds, right? And the Red Sox. I did know that. World Series champion, Pokey Reese. Oh, yeah, no, I did. Well, I'm not a huge baseball fan, but his 99 season, I think it was 10 home runs, 52 RBIs,
Starting point is 00:05:45 38 steals, two-time Golden Glove. That's not on your phone. No, it's not on my phone. What the fuck? People underestimate my sports knowledge. It smells really bad. What's Pokey's birth name?
Starting point is 00:06:00 Calvin. Dude, Bobby Valentino is actually only 5'3". Uh-huh. That's one of my favorite stats about him. Oh, yeah. They actually, the wee-oo-wee-oo-wee was like, they mic'd him up on a kiddie roller coaster.
Starting point is 00:06:18 That's what he imagines it sounds like. He's never been on one. Yeah, he's never been. He's not tall enough. He wrote that verse just so he could go on a roller coaster for the music video. They bent the rules for one day. He just went flying off. He had to have had other songs, though.
Starting point is 00:06:36 Did he not have any other songs? Oh, yeah. Blackberry Molasses, Anonymous, Slow Down. I don't know any of these. Drink up, boys. Beep, soon as I get home, words. Two bottles. She hated that sip of the champagne.
Starting point is 00:06:51 Really bad. I don't mind it. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Wee, wee, wee. Vibes are high. You know how to set the fucking vibe, Nick. Kate went around, and we're having people come in and show off their talents today. Yes.
Starting point is 00:07:07 Sorry, everyone, if that's lame. No, don't be sorry. I told everyone around 1.15, I went around the whole entire office. I said, do you have a bar party trick where you're a few beers deep, you're kind of doing an icebreaker, and mine is that I can flip my thumbs behind my nose. Ew! Hold on. All the way back behind like this.
Starting point is 00:07:26 How did you not get pregnant sooner? I don't know. The guys used to fucking love me. Yeah. Ew, dude. Ew, Kate. Ew, Kate. Anyway.
Starting point is 00:07:41 That was a more visceral reaction, and I saw TJ puking a gallon of whole milk. That's so crazy. I just tried to do it and it hurt to do. How'd you figure that out? I went around the office though and I said, come in with your favorite party trick. People on the business floor, the interns.
Starting point is 00:07:56 One of the interns said he can rap. Holy fuck. I don't know. That's something he thinks he can do when he's drunk. He can't do that. I want to be supportive of what everybody thinks that they could do. On a day like today? I know.
Starting point is 00:08:10 On Valentino Reese Day. You're allowed to show off something you're not even good at, and nobody can say anything about it. You can't be criticized. There'll be no ridicule. Not even backhanded ridicule. It's the Reese Valentino way. It is.
Starting point is 00:08:21 The law of Reese Valentino. I'm going to say we, and we're going to treat people with a golden glove. Gentle. I have the same talent as Vibs. What's that? Turning your legs backwards? Yeah, I can do that. No.
Starting point is 00:08:32 Yeah, Vibs is going to come in here and turn his legs backwards, and I guess you can do it too. I don't know if I'm going to do it, though. Let's have a backwards foot off. If you go back to back? Backwards to backwards? You face the back of your knees. Like a baby bird. No, my heels can go.
Starting point is 00:08:46 Like a plie? All the way. When Vibs did it, you think my knuckles are gross. I threw up in my mouth. Yeah, it's gross. That's why I never do it because it's weird. It's weird. How did you find out you could do it?
Starting point is 00:08:56 Because I used to walk with my feet like this. Why? Why? Before you knew? Yeah. Just goofing. And then I was like, oh, I can actually put them pretty far. I haven't done it in a while,
Starting point is 00:09:09 so I don't know if I can still... I definitely can still do it. You can still do it. I think that's something that you can just lose. Do you mind if we just see it quick? Well, I'd have to stand up. Can you give us like a... Get off of mine, dude.
Starting point is 00:09:19 Actually, mine are token CEO socks, so you can't get on these. And it's pride, so embrace the suck and get the fuck out. Damn. No, I think embrace the suck is the... Is that the Pride line of it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:09:34 Get the fuck out is what you're saying to somebody in the closet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pride. Pride socks. Embrace the suck on Pride socks, bro. I'm supporting our fucking boss, dude. What have you done to support Token CEO? Other than delete a tweet.
Starting point is 00:09:52 That was, yeah. That's the extent of it. Did you find that people were being a little, are they going to be shy? I feel like sometimes people are intimidated about coming in the act because they think that we're going to trick them and make them eat shit or something like that yeah i think i like we will
Starting point is 00:10:08 we need a borelli well right i tried to be super not i feel like i'm not a very threatening lady i was like hey everybody come on in so you were you were waving the arms i was i was like just come on in the olive oil do your bar trick it's nothing um i don. My cousin had this bar trick power move that he would – everybody look at my fingers. He would snap up in the air like this, and while he did it, and everyone was looking at his hands, he would pee his pants. That is incredible. That's fucking sick.
Starting point is 00:10:36 I thought it was great. It is great. Dude, I used to have a bar trick power move that was like you hold you hold a you hold like a small paper bag and you can like throw a ball into it and it like it seems as if it's falling into the bag it was a bar trick power move and it's something like that that i would use in a situation like that like that paper bag is like too big the one that kb brought his accoutrement in but a tiny paper bag i'm trying to think what other bar bar trick power moves that i. I used to have one where I would just fuck all the girls. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 00:11:07 Dude, I remember that. You would trick them. Yeah. You would trick them into fucking you. What happened with that? You don't really do that anymore. No. I guess I just got bad at it. That ship has sailed.
Starting point is 00:11:18 Made those drink covers. I'm surprised you're not tired of fucking by 21. I was. Yeah. I was so tired of it at 21. You already fucked. That's why your dick was already calloused. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:31 He was so bored fucking so many women that mid-sex, he was like, I wonder if I can turn my legs backwards. Fuck myself. Yeah, sass is thrust out. We're faster than it's thrust in. The backwards hips in in uh in cio uh we used to like uh it's not even really a bar trick power move it's more like we used to we would just like pop our tops off when we were ready to get kicked out of a bar and if they
Starting point is 00:11:55 wouldn't kick us out we would start pouring pouring beer on ourselves but some places were so adamant to uh to like keep us there that like the one lady would come around with like just a bottle of windex and like spray us until we put our lady would come around with just a bottle of Windex and spray us until we put our shirts back on. It was kind of protective. We would pop tops for a while. We used to do drip. Oh!
Starting point is 00:12:13 Whoa! Fuck yeah. Oh, I hate that. Oh, man. You hate that? That's going to exist long after you're dead. That'll exist for like two years. Please.
Starting point is 00:12:33 Please keep going. I've seen it enough. I'd like to see it some more. You got to put some small video in front of that. Oh, no way. Sidney Sweeney exists. Does his Bartrick power move of popping early? We used to do the straight arm drinking was a big one down in Seattle.
Starting point is 00:12:52 And then me and my cousins would do just drink through your shirt. And so your shirt would have a million little circles through it by the end of the night. Because I don't know why we did it, but we did. You got to find something to do in Seattle. You got to find goofy ways to drink. Otherwise, the drinking gets stagnant. It does. You've got to keep it fresh.
Starting point is 00:13:07 Jay, do you have a bar trick? Power mover? No, he does. Cartwheel? Turn my levels up. Not a great bar trick. I mean, I can juggle. I have a couple of bar tricks I can do.
Starting point is 00:13:21 Please come in and juggle, dudes. We have three high noon cans right here. I need circular objects. A few of clementine. You don't know what a circular. Please come in and juggle, dudes. We have three high noon cans right here. I need circular objects, so a few of Clementine basketballs. You don't know what a circular is. You can't juggle. There's also apples in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, I can grab some apples.
Starting point is 00:13:33 All right. Come on, brother. We need to see this. And no hate. Yeah, we really can't. We are not allowed to hate. Are you ready for a refill, Adam? Oh, no, but should we do a deep sip?
Starting point is 00:13:45 A deep glory? Maybe a toast or some shit like that? Yeah. I think so. Sash, bless us with a toast, brother. Can we pull up a YouTube of Pokey Reese highlights? It's going to be long. Dude, what if his name wasn't Pokey?
Starting point is 00:14:01 We'd never be here. Poke? Oh, we would be. You think so? Yeah. Regardless. I bought the bobblehead. You just like him for who he here. Poke? Oh, we would be. You think so? Yeah. Regardless. Who bought the bobblehead? You just like him for who he is.
Starting point is 00:14:08 You don't even like his name. That's my least favorite part about him. Yeah. A rose by any other name type shit. Oh, yeah. Baseball Max, love this channel. Yo. Are we straight arming these?
Starting point is 00:14:25 It's amazing how this song fits the video perfectly. Can we straight arm them? How do you straight arm? Well, you cannot bend your arm. You just have to keep tilting it back until it goes into your mouth. Yep. That's fascinating. All right, wait.
Starting point is 00:14:37 Where's the highlight take? I've got to get my laptop out of here. Yeah, that's bad. Hold on. This doesn't really feel like a... Oh! I don't want to do it. Okay. If you aim it right, you've got no problem. Yeah, that's bad. Hold on. This doesn't really feel like a... Oh! I don't want to do it.
Starting point is 00:14:46 Okay. You aim it right. You've got no problem. It went all in my nose. Kate, the straight-arm savant. You definitely got to commit. Kate, the straight-arm savant. An absolute pro.
Starting point is 00:15:03 Oh! You don't see it drop it all over the table. Nick, that is like a foot away from your mouth. The glasses, he has no idea where it is. You can't even see it right now. Wait, now splice that with sass popping off. I'm useless without my glasses. Now it's all my heavy slime, bro.
Starting point is 00:15:29 Oh, I love heavy slime. Refreshing, though. No hate on restay. Damn, that is refreshing. Refill me. I'm trying to do another one. I know. I would like to do another one. Trying to get it on Stanko's equipment.
Starting point is 00:15:40 You got that iced coffee. Stanko's about to beat the fuck out of you. Yes. Okay, Stephen Che has the three apples. I didn't think my cup was that full for me to be drenched. I know, I'm soaked. A little bit different size. Sitting in a wet shirt. Che, so you need like...
Starting point is 00:15:55 Those are like perfect juggling apples. It sounds like you might be an amateur at juggling. Look at him go. Atta boy. Shall we encourage What a cut in Don't do it to him Don't do it to him Kate Holy fuck I don't want to brag It's talent show day everybody get pumped
Starting point is 00:16:31 I told everyone 1.15 And no one's here Because I think they're shy I think people are being shy And we have to let them know that there's not going to be any shenanigans Hijinks the prank is there is no prank There is an editor in the back She can fart with her hands.
Starting point is 00:16:46 No way. We need to get her in here because she just had me at fart. It's a girl that can fart? Yeah. What? Barnum and Bailey's
Starting point is 00:16:55 mind would be blown. And here we have a woman who can fart. Farting a woman. I can fart with my hands. Impossible. You can? Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. No, but she can do it like this. Yeah, I don't know how that's even possible. I can fart with my hands Impossible You can?
Starting point is 00:17:08 No but she can do it like this Yeah I don't know how that's even possible Yeah I think her palms are shaped like buttholes Dude what was going on with people's armpits that they could I can fart with my armpits That was pre-hair Hold on I gotta pull my jeans up over my stomach Okay
Starting point is 00:17:23 I can't now Hold on What was that? Cause my stomach. Okay. I can't now. Hold on. What was that? Because you need like a... Oh, I can't do it anymore. Kath, bro. Sass. Do you mind refreshing me?
Starting point is 00:17:31 Sass, fill us up. We're trying to straight arm some ships. Nope, not again. I'm drenched. I am drenched in my chest, right in my chest region. Yeah. In my neck region. Did you guys see this kid that went to Goldberg Street?
Starting point is 00:17:44 Yes. Unreal. Walk it over. Which would be standing it up. What a guy. I'll take a little more. Shout out to Brandon Hogan. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:17:55 We have two bottles, right? We could drizzly some more, dude. Also, in case nobody shows up for the talent show. You got boys. Oh, wait a minute. Here we go. Yay. Come on in. Yes. Come a minute. Here we go. Yay. Come on in.
Starting point is 00:18:06 Yes. Come on in. Welcome, boys. Happy holidays, boys. There's Mike right there. I'm switching seats. This is too wet. Also, did you know that all the interns are going to Tropical Land today after work?
Starting point is 00:18:16 You're Nick. Sit in my seat. Everyone's welcome to go. I missed my old seat. For your first talent, Nick pee-peed. Sitting in this wet-ass chair. Nick oot-seed himself. Okay.
Starting point is 00:18:30 Rube died on the same day as Pearl Harbor. If we don't have, like, the worst day ever, yeah. Well, Pearl Harbor really set things off. The anti-Reece Valentino day. Wait, did he die on, like, Pearl Harbor day, like, proper? No, no, no. Because that would be his final machine. His kamikaze into a boat.
Starting point is 00:18:50 And the ensuing reaction would be the death of a couple hundred. Probably not a hundred. A few thousand. On Pearl Harbor? I'm talking about just his contribution. Oh, pardon me. Who wants to go first? Or is this a joint talent?
Starting point is 00:19:08 Okay, the rock, paper, scissors. This is their talent. Very nice, boys. Well done. Good job, boys. Okay, here we go. Can we get a backing track for this? I have just the song.
Starting point is 00:19:21 What are you doing? What's your talent? I learned this in second grade. It's never gone out of my mind since the day I learned it. I can name every president's last name in order. No way. That's freaky. That's freaky.
Starting point is 00:19:37 Go ahead. Washington, Adam Jefferson, Madison Morales. Slow down. Slow it down. Do it to the Valentino. Do it like a slow banana. Do it slow presidents. We got Bobby Valentino.
Starting point is 00:19:52 I'll go this long. Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson, Van Brin, Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, O'Moore, Pierce Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Tyler, Polk Taylor Homer Pierce Buchanan Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Cleveland Harrison, Cleveland, McKinley Roosevelt Taft, Wilson, Harding Coolidge, Hoover
Starting point is 00:20:17 No, you're fine Chicken in every pot. Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:26 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:26 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:26 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:27 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:27 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:27 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:28 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:29 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:30 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson,
Starting point is 00:20:35 Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Adam Jackson, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Trump, Biden. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Starting point is 00:20:50 We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. That was nice. That was very impressive. That was very nice. Thank you. That was good. How do you memorize them? Do you keep like a historical context to it or is it just rote memorization like a song? It's one of those weird things like never got out of my mind ever.
Starting point is 00:21:03 Do you have a favorite president? You said your least favorite was Obama. Got to be Abe, I think. Yeah. He was a real dickhead, that guy. Your least favorite? No, least favorite? Yeah, least favorite.
Starting point is 00:21:14 No, no, no, no, no. Abe Farnaway. No, no, no. All right. Least favorite. I don't know, man. That's a hilarious least favorite president. I like presidents that don't die.
Starting point is 00:21:26 Gotta be Abe. Sweet. Thank you. Thank you, Sam. That was wonderful. Mine's nowhere near that cool. I was just going to blow some O's, but that's really good. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:39 O's, yeah. All right. Wait, TJ, cue him up there, huh? Can we get a dubstep version of Bobby Valentino for him to blow O's to? Yeah, that's probably good. No, this works. This works. Fuck yes.
Starting point is 00:21:52 Uh-oh. Oh, he's struggling. There it is. Yeah. Yes, brother. Again. Again. Again.
Starting point is 00:22:05 Unless it's hurting your brain. Hey, you got a French inhale in the repertoire? Shake it up. I like how he shakes it. It's not all in here. It's a big space. It's a big space for the French inhale. The French can't really inhale.
Starting point is 00:22:20 You got some O's. And Quiggs is going to make that spell wee-oo-wee-oo-wee. Yeah. Oh, a little. Yes, sir. That's how the French do it. Looks good. Inhale me like one of your French girls.
Starting point is 00:22:32 Now he's vaping too much. Now he's vaping too much. Last one. Okay. Last one. Last one. Oh, yes. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:41 Oh, that was fun. Oh, that was spicy like an onion ring. Yeah. Oh, wow. He's about to overdose on me. Oh, that was spicy like an onion ring. Yeah. Oh, wow. That was good. He's about to overdose on me. Very nice. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. Very nice, brother.
Starting point is 00:22:53 Nice job. Uh, wee, wee. That was great. Great job, guys. Keep cultivating those talents. Cultivating. Send some people in. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:23:01 Work on those. Work on those. Keep working on them. Nothing worse than a life of wasted talent, dude. And they're not wasting it. They refuse to waste in. Yeah. Work on those. Work on those. Keep working on them. Nothing worse than a life of wasted talent, dude. And they're not wasting it. They refuse to waste it. Nope. They're maximizing their talent.
Starting point is 00:23:10 They're living it. That guy said he memorized it in second grade for some reason. I don't know. Maybe a test? Oh, yeah. Making me write it down. Here comes gross fibs. Oh, here we go.
Starting point is 00:23:23 Is he walking? Yes, yes, yes. A little backwards. Happy holiday, Jeff. Great shirt. Lowering the bar. Hey, Jeff. How's it going?
Starting point is 00:23:33 Why don't you gross us out? Yeah, yeah. I don't really do this as a talent. It kind of freaks people out. You look like an alien that should be killed with fire. But you have good quads, dude. Great quads. Have you ever seen how tatted his quads are?
Starting point is 00:23:50 I had no idea until the other day. Do you not want that out? I mean, it's whatever. Insanely tatted quads. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I have cool tattoos. Twist my arm. I'll show them off, I guess.
Starting point is 00:24:01 Yeah, they are good. Tatted quads. I didn't see them until the other day when Vibs was clapping my cheeks. And I saw it. I looked back, and I was like, Vibs? The only way you can see them. Look at the card. Okay.
Starting point is 00:24:13 Here we go. Also, I haven't done this for like 20 years, so if my ACL just like blows out. That would be even cooler. Think of the views. Respect to the holidays. Think of the views. Okay. Oh!
Starting point is 00:24:26 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my shoulders. I got more wet. I got more wet. Oh! Not on this special occasion.
Starting point is 00:24:40 I'm sorry, Nick. I didn't think you were going to be able to walk with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. It was so much more severe than I expected. I was going, Nick. I didn't think you were going to be able to walk with it. Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. It was so much more severe than I expected. I was going for like the alien effect.
Starting point is 00:24:49 That's awesome. Nick, did you piss? Nick, you really made an ouchie this time. Okay, Nick, snap your fingers above your head and make it look like you're doing a party trick.
Starting point is 00:24:58 Everybody look up at Nick's hands. Look at his hands. Look only at his hands. No, don't. He pissed himself. Holy fuck, Vibs. What's that a product of?
Starting point is 00:25:07 Loose knees or loose hips? I don't know. I don't know. I think it's all in the knees. It's not really in my hips. Really? Ew. Can I do a weird request?
Starting point is 00:25:15 Can Sass and Vibs just face each other and both twist their legs backwards really quick? I haven't done it in a really long time. I'm sure I could still do it. Yeah, I don't know if Sass can do it in those shoes. Those don't look like good shoes for her. I'll try it. All right, let's do it, Sass. Well, I don't want to face each other doing it.
Starting point is 00:25:33 Why? That's homophobic, dude. It's like fucking psychos. Okay, embrace the suck. I will. Okay, embrace the suck. Thank you. No, absolutely not. I have a pretty gross one to follow that up.
Starting point is 00:25:58 Get Nick's mic up. Nick, switch mics. Yeah, sorry. No, he's up. Until I get wet in this seat, I'll be here. Oz said he's got a gross one for us. Gross. Wow, what is it? He's coming in.
Starting point is 00:26:13 Sass predictions. Pretty much, I have a hole. I have a hole in my shin muscle. What? The muscle on my shin? Yeah, from surgery. Is it completely through? You'll see. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:26:28 A shin hole. A shin hole. Oh, no. When he said he had a hole, I was like, I don't want to break it to you. Brother, that's not unique. You're about to one-up him. I have to, yeah. I have more than you do, actually.
Starting point is 00:26:42 All right, let's see the shin hole. Wait, wait. You got it on the camera shin hole. Wait, wait. You got it on the camera? Oh. Oh, my. Oh, face the camera. What is that from? What's going on in there?
Starting point is 00:26:54 Yeah, what is happening when we see that? Whoa. Kind of hot. Wait, Sass, do a shot out of it. Wait, that's the new Frank Shuey, that's the new Frank Shuey. That's the new Frank Shuey. A body shot. A shin shot.
Starting point is 00:27:11 I would so much rather do a shot out of that than do the Frank Shuey. Oh, yeah. We should all do shin shots of Zod. I would. That's worth breaking it, Owen. That's worth coming back. The first one back will be out of Zah's leg. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:27 Like a shot ski. Like Andy Cohen. Tip his whole shit in. Oh, my God. What a talented office we have. I know. You don't tell us. I have the wettest gooch and pull right now.
Starting point is 00:27:39 Does Pat have anything? Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's go into the Celtics game. Is he really? Uh-huh. On Fire Island? Uh-huh. On Fire Island? Huh? Wow.
Starting point is 00:27:47 Do you have a talent to show us? Not on camera. I just do it right off camera. That was good. That was good. He told a joke. That was his talent. Yeah, that was good.
Starting point is 00:27:55 That was good. Are the people gathering around the desk, are they trying to get noticed? Do you have a talent? Do you have a talent? Because I told them. Do you guys have a talent? Here. Oh, where did the Valentino go?
Starting point is 00:28:10 Also, Enrique has a good talent. Oh, Enrique does? Enrique has a talent. There was a bunch of people who told me they talked a big game about their talents. Enrique is an incredible singer. He is. Enrique would sing us, like, who is that girl I see? Or some shit like that
Starting point is 00:28:25 Some smooth ass Disney tunes or something I feel like that's Enrique's wheelhouse He also does his own podcast He does well on Twitch He plays Valorant He's a big gamer He would be our best content employee
Starting point is 00:28:39 His setups for his podcast and Twitch stream Are much better than all of ours We get compliments when our podcast audio Is just kind of bad His setups for his podcast and Twitch stream are much better than all of ours. It's really good. We get compliments when our podcast audio is just kind of bad. Nice work. Listenable. Wow. Enrique produced an off-Broadway play the other week that won an award.
Starting point is 00:28:56 I know. Whatever. He produced it? Yeah. He produced and directed it. He's talented as in here. I know. He's so talented that he doesn't even have time for his own talents. He's like, I don't have time
Starting point is 00:29:06 to fucking sing you a song right now. I'm busy writing. Busy fucking making a sweet ass play. A play about Valorant. A play about gamers. That shit would fucking fly, dude. Two gamers who meet their online counterparts from across the country.
Starting point is 00:29:23 And they fuck. Or something like that. They're like two, six, five, 300-pound guys that fuck each other. Yeah, they turn their legs fully around. And then they just, yeah.
Starting point is 00:29:33 Wee, wee, wee. I also, I made a Google Doc for the show today. You did? Made a Google Doc. You're organized as fuck. Just in case, I'm being a try-hard because I'm kind of weaseling my way into the yak more and more. You're in the show today. You did? Made a Google Doc. You're organized as fuck. Just in case, I'm being a tryhard
Starting point is 00:29:46 because I'm kind of weaseling my way into the yak more and more. You're in the group chat. I think you're at it full time already. So I knew some people were out today
Starting point is 00:29:53 so I was like, I'll do a Google Doc of stuff to do just in case. If you hate anything on the doc and you're like, next thing,
Starting point is 00:30:00 we can just skip to the next thing. I don't think we will hate it. But I sent TJ a Google Doc of... There's no such thing as hate today. Not today. Okay. Maybe tomorrow, but next thing. I don't think we will hit it. I'm Vicent, TJ at Google Doc. There's no such thing as hate today. Not today.
Starting point is 00:30:06 Okay. Maybe tomorrow, but not today. I figured this would eat up a little time. It's a Friday. A good day for testing things out. Yeah. So give it a whirl. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:30:15 This is the Google Doc. That was awesome. Okay, first idea. A don't laugh challenge. So we have to put a big mouthful of champagne in our mouths and then you pick A or B, one of these two videos. We just have to make it through one of them without spitting our drinks out, which I'll tell you it's going to be impossible, whichever one you pick.
Starting point is 00:30:33 Oh, fuck. All right. I'm down. This is a great idea. For those at home, play along. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, for those at home, put whatever you have in your mouth right now. Videotape yourself, too, and send yourself busting out a mouthful of champagne. These are two of the videos in my life that I usually cannot make it through. And during the quarantine,
Starting point is 00:30:51 I would go live when I was alone in my studio apartment and I would try to make it through these live without laughing or whatever. And 15 people enjoyed that. So I figured why not try it here? What genre of videos or should we be surprised to pick a or b i don't know if there's a we should wheel or if we one video is hilarious and one video is like rube goldberg's grave actually a beheading it's a dark yeah not good that would be tough
Starting point is 00:31:18 should we fill our mouths first or should we click or pick a video first pick a or b first doesn't matter oh and do the do the honors, my brother. B. Ah, good choice, my man. Good choice, because the other one's like 15 minutes long. The hardest part might be keeping the champagne in my mouth. Yeah. Disgusting.
Starting point is 00:31:34 Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:31:41 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:31:44 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Are we not supposed to swallow? Okay. We already ran a cycle, I thought. That one wasn't great. Can we do the other one? I was just laughing at how hard Kate was laughing.
Starting point is 00:32:14 Sorry. I was laughing just with the champagne in my mouth. I just found it easy. Maybe I needed more champagne. That video makes me laugh. I have tears in my eyes. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why.
Starting point is 00:32:25 It makes me laugh every time. I guess that was a one-off. Can we just try A with the sound on? I love how Kate was like, you guys can tell me if you hate it, but first you have to fill up your glass with champagne where you can't speak. Can we do this next one with the sound on? There might be an ad, and we'll only do it for like 30 seconds, but this one I think will really get you.
Starting point is 00:32:44 And if we... This is... Oh, I'm fucked. This is every grunt from Home Improvement ever. How long is it? It's 15 minutes. Oh. What if this was It's funny If somebody did this Yeah
Starting point is 00:33:10 Yeah There's gotta be some sort of like Program or something Right? Or do you think they just went through And clipped all of it? I think they just went through We don't have to finish this
Starting point is 00:33:21 Anyway Yeah we do Me and my cousins used to smoke Well maybe We used to smoke a little weed, and then it was whoever laughed first who could make it through this video. Should we do it, and should we send in, should we all send in a video? So, yeah, we should.
Starting point is 00:33:34 Yeah, I'm down to do that. It's impossible when you're high to make it through this video, I promise you. It's incredible. It's an incredible video regardless. DJ, can you play Bill Nye the Science Guy theme song in Chinese? This is my pre-gaming song. Whenever they
Starting point is 00:33:51 say Bill, it sounds like they're saying beer and everybody has to chug. I've never heard this before. I've never seen this one. Beer, beer, beer. And then you have to chug. You gotta take this to Sea Isle. I'm absolutely going to. Ultimate party song. It gets everybody going to Sea Isle. Yeah, you've got to take it to Sea Isle. I'm absolutely going to. Ultimate party song. It gets everybody going.
Starting point is 00:34:07 Sea Isle is where I first did the home improvement grunt thing. You take a drink, you try not to be crazy. How long ago was that? Oh, God, like 10 years ago. So it's been on the internet for a long time? Oh, yeah, it's been on the internet a long time. Quite some time. The champagne has me fucking tipsy, bro.
Starting point is 00:34:23 Oh, yeah. I've got to turn this up. Beer, beer tipsy, bro. Oh, yeah. Gotta turn this up. Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! Beer! You can just put this in the middle of a playlist. Why did they have to re-dub the Bill part? Yeah, that's just his name. That's great.
Starting point is 00:34:56 All right, well, that's part of my sheet. I guess we can keep going through it since nobody else has talent. Has talent. Yeah, what's going on? Going into the 90s, probably had like a white guy say that in an Asian accent yeah they probably just made a dude
Starting point is 00:35:09 do that yeah it's fucked up what's next on the sheet this next thing we don't have to do wait there's Enrique dude sing for us
Starting point is 00:35:16 Enrique oh it's sorry I thought that was sorry I yelled that's fine knock for Enrique Owen give him a couple knocks
Starting point is 00:35:24 oh Jesus what oh hey now That's fine. Knock for Enrique, Owen. Give him a couple knocks. Oh, Jesus. Oh, hey, now. Wait, wait, play it again. Excellent work. You looking disgustedly at the champagne bottle afterwards. What the fuck? Sass didn't bust on me.
Starting point is 00:35:43 Bill Rye is a science guy. Beer. Beer. Talent. All right, coming in for the talent. Enrique, we were saying how fast we can get. I was going to say Rye for his last name. We need a microphone for you unless it's going to be Bill Rye. You can sit and do it. It's a wet seat.
Starting point is 00:35:59 Let's just blow over that. Oh, the seat's a little wet. It's champagne. Just came out. Champagne. Champagne. Yes. Well, there's a stand-up mic over there if you want to use that one as standing.
Starting point is 00:36:12 Okay. He can just do this on command. Anytime. I just farted into this mic. I mean, that would be... Okay. He can sneeze. Wait, that's how to take off a shoe. That... Okay. You can sneeze. Wait, that's not takeoff bless you.
Starting point is 00:36:27 That's crazy. Those are real. Oh, my God. Are those real sneezes? Yes. Yes, but I don't get the tingle, which is the best part. So you can just sneeze on command. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:36 Wait, isn't the sneeze 1 87th of an orgasm? I might have got to do that a few more times. Dude, what if you could just string 87 together and just... I mean, if you don't have the tingle, it doesn't count? Damn. What? That was convincing.
Starting point is 00:36:51 Did you ever have to sneeze on stage for something? No, I always just thought one day I'm going to book an allergy commercial and that's going to be my ticket out of here. Yeah. Get that Claritin money. Yeah. Get that Zyrtec money. Zyrtec bag.
Starting point is 00:37:03 You're not going to sing anything for us, bro? I don't think so. All right, fair enough. That is a tough one, and you already gave us one. You already gave us one. Thank you. There's no way Jack McCarthy has a talent, right? No, or a personality.
Starting point is 00:37:22 He's got great t-shirts. He really does. He always has that NASCAR drip. Best in the office. Best t-shirts in the office. Which He always has that NASCAR drip. Best in the office. Best t-shirts in the office. Which is a talent. Also, people say I'm mean. He's my best friend, so. There it is.
Starting point is 00:37:32 Yeah. Who says you're mean, dude? I was mean to Che on the bracket, admittingly, so I apologize. It was wasted. I don't really remember. Yeah, I know. I'm not good with drunk people, and yeah, it was fun. What did you say about him? We're pals. I'm not good with drunk people. And yeah, it's fine. What did you say about him?
Starting point is 00:37:45 We're pals. I don't remember. I just, I was very short with him. Just whenever he started talking. I find myself to be irritable sometimes. And that's the quality I'm trying to iron out of my personality as well. Shut the fuck up. For the record, I don't remember.
Starting point is 00:38:00 But if you were, or you felt you were, I forgive you. Not a big deal. We're buddies. Appreciate you, brother. That's a fake forgiveness, dude. If you were. Also felt you were I forgive you. Not a big deal. We're buddies. Appreciate you brother. That's a fake forgiveness dude. If you were. Also grapefruit juice. Great call. That's the best juice. Maybe you should go back and listen
Starting point is 00:38:12 to what he said and then you can decide if you want to apologize or not. I did a lot of that Bill Rye stuff. That wasn't me. The camera wasn't even on me. That's super fucked Seth. I know. Apologize. That's super fucked, Seth. I know.
Starting point is 00:38:27 Apologize. That's when I knew I did something. Unforgivable. Have you guys seen that AI where you can type in a prompt and it draws it? Have you guys tried that? I tried it, but the website was like crashed.
Starting point is 00:38:42 I don't know if I gave it too complicated of one. It was loading the whole Yeah, I don't know if I gave it too complicated of one. It was loading the whole time. I'm on a wait list for it. Oh, really? One of you, though. Somebody did one of you, and it looked, all four of them looked super cool. Kate, that was fake.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Quigs typed the city of Portland, and it came up looking like this. Oh, I didn't know that. I really thought that. You want to show what Kate got gut by? I was like whoa If I was Nick That'd be like cool wall artist You know for like above
Starting point is 00:39:08 Yeah Just above your bed Yeah I got gut by it You got gut That's okay That's okay What happened? Wee wee wee wee wee wee
Starting point is 00:39:18 No hate to my talent No hate to it Is this the upstairs crew Coming down with talent? I sure hope so That would be awesome. Looking at them, looking at them. Now they're going to lunch.
Starting point is 00:39:28 Now it's lunch. I love how they always travel in a shallow V. They really do. They've never not been in a single file. They'll come back in a single file too. Single file. Hell yeah. Ballet mini.
Starting point is 00:39:40 Do Dave Portnoy with a gun. Do Darth Vader. Yes. I tried it last night and it didn't work. The website wasn't working. I tried this first thing I could think of. See, yeah, it doesn't work. Once you're in queue, you have to spam it because there's too many people on the site.
Starting point is 00:39:59 It'll take like two minutes. You boys have really been spamming. I only tried it once. Dang. I need to it once. Dang. I need to see Dave with a gun. That was your first type? That was my first type, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:15 Everybody's amazed by the technology. Is it that good now? Because the pictures don't look... They're just like shapes, pretty much. What does it do? It just draws what you type? It creates that image. The images aren't very clear.
Starting point is 00:40:27 It uses reference images from online to hypothesize what that image would look like. So if you type in Dave with a gun, it'll take pictures of guns and pictures of Dave and put them together somehow. Last thing we need is the pedophiles getting a hold of this. Yeah. Or ruin it. Yeah. Yep. Just like those fucking Apple tags, dude.
Starting point is 00:40:46 They ruin everything. That's why designers have to design with pedophile in mind. You have to. Everything has to be. You have to think like a pedophile. You have to be a pedophile to know exactly what not to design. A design is mobile first.
Starting point is 00:41:03 Every other tech should be pedo first. It should. Jan's board stopped making pastel colors. It was just too easy to find the kids. Yeah. Are you serious?
Starting point is 00:41:12 What? Mainly neutrals, yeah. No way. They made backpacks that are just pictures of the children's back printed on them. It's a picture
Starting point is 00:41:19 of an adult's back. Yeah. He used a pedo phone. It's a hairy back. A hairy ass back. It's a grown man. Where it says, I actually have
Starting point is 00:41:26 what Andy Milonakis had when I was 30 years old. That kind of rules. Look at these guns. Look at the... GoPro's gone. Oh no. Dave, don't do it.
Starting point is 00:41:43 Wait, did that Dave had a gun in his hand? Yeah. Look at that one. Fire. Oh my no. Dave, don't do it. Wait, did that Dave had a gun in his mouth? Yeah. Look at that wire. Oh, my God. Oh, that's funny, dude. Is that a knuckle sandwich he had? Got a sword? Got on a platter?
Starting point is 00:41:56 So funny. Whoa. This is a knuckle sandwich. My fucking fist. Let's do a... Let's spin. There, he's tittied out in the picture. I was just going to say.
Starting point is 00:42:08 That's not real. Not my press. Those are nice. Yeah, that's... Can we do a big cat before the money? Yeah, big cat poor. Yeah, poor big cat poor. That one's incredible.
Starting point is 00:42:19 That looks like modern art. That looks like it should be in that fucking museum. That really does. What if this just breaks the entire internet? Just it can't compute this. Dividing by zero. What if people think it's real? They're like, what, dude?
Starting point is 00:42:30 Not now, Dave. Wrong time. Wee, wee, wee. Do you need some more champagne, Tess? No, I'm good. He does. Oh, I've got some right here. Switched over to the sugar-free room.
Starting point is 00:42:41 Chasing. Chasing Derulo, bro. I just need my calf. Yeah. I'm fucking drenched. On my chest. And champagne's so sticky. It has like a disgusting quality, too.
Starting point is 00:42:56 That's how I know I'm like an adult man now. As soon as this area gets wet, it's wet forever. It just doesn't dry. Can't dry it. That's because you shave your pubes off. You should keep your pubes so they can naturally dry that area. This is fucked up.
Starting point is 00:43:11 And speaking of pedophiles, I was watching that Mormon documentary about Warren Jeffs last night. And who was the old one before him? His dad, something Jeffs or whatever. He was like 86 years old. And these women were talking about it. And they're like, yeah, we used to have to take him in the bathroom and he kept a blow dryer for us to dry
Starting point is 00:43:28 like keep his ass and shit dry like what because he was peeing himself all the time honestly smart honestly that is kind of genius
Starting point is 00:43:36 it was like a blow dryer just for his I thought it was for I didn't even know he was peeing himself I thought it was just for pleasure I thought it was for sweat just for keeping him dry
Starting point is 00:43:42 off his swamp ass he just peed himself all the time. Yeah. Dang, that's tough. Incontinence is tough. Yeah. And those wives were probably,
Starting point is 00:43:51 there was probably a multitude of them and they were probably young. Yes, many. Oh, really? Yeah. Cool story by me. Thought I'd bring the mood down. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:43:58 Oh, no. Anyway, speaking of pedophiles. No, the Mormons are lacking, dude. They're fucking marrying too young. Yep. That's my one criticism of them. Yeah, like 65 wives. And every night before bed, they all had to line up outside his door
Starting point is 00:44:10 and go in and give him a kiss. And the women who got out were like, it would take like two hours. We hated it. Blah, blah, blah. What's his crime? Loving too early and often? Yeah. I don't like it. Anyways, by our age is just a number shot glass in the barstool store.
Starting point is 00:44:27 It exists. It does exist. I think they have cocktail glasses as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Age is just a number, but you have to be 21 to be honest. Yeah. Yes. For our groomers out there.
Starting point is 00:44:39 Also, the Mormons had terrible, terrible architecture. Terrible looking churches. I don't really fuck with their church look. I don't even know if I know what they look like. They're a little bit spiky for me. It started right outside of Rochester, New York, right? It did? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:52 Really? People credit Utah. And then they were just rejected by the Eastern culture? They were chased out. Yeah? Yeah. Chased about the boys out there. And then they settled on—they mostly got chased out from a bunch of communities.
Starting point is 00:45:06 They wouldn't just go to like Pennsylvania? Utah, yeah, I mean the Amish have a monopoly on Utah. Oh, these are spiky as hell. All their churches are super spiky. You pull up a Mormon church? They're very spiky. Very spiky. In case of a balloon attack, the fucking Mormon churches are strapped with a bunch of spikes.
Starting point is 00:45:24 There's a pretty fucked up Mormon stories. Yeah, you should watch this documentary. Have you seen the Andrew Garfield one? No. On John Krakauer? Quaker? Under the Banner of Heaven. Yeah, yeah. Same guy that wrote Into the Wild and Into Thin Air.
Starting point is 00:45:40 Okay. It's a series, a mini-series with Andrew Garfield about Morm wrote he made it's like a it's a series a mini series with andrew garfield about like mormons but it's really fucked up well this the it's the fundamentalist like the fldr or whatever that sect of it is the crazy one that they were like this guy this old man i was talking about he's never going to die and then he died and they were like you reincarnated into this guy into his son who was like the super creep. And then they were like, when the Salt Lake City Olympics came,
Starting point is 00:46:09 they were like, this is the sign that the world's about to end. So they huddled everyone together, and then the Olympics came, and the world didn't end, and they were like, it's a sign that we got to move to Texas. And then they moved to Texas. It was like the whole weird, just kept getting weirder and weirder, yeah. Just moving the goalposts. Just moving the goalposts. That's fucked.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Yeah. Check out these spiky-ass churches, dude. Oh, whoa. Yeah, very spiky. That shit does not look dope. No. Are they all like that? It's like based off the Magic Kingdom, but like shittily.
Starting point is 00:46:36 Yep. Shittily. That would be as sweet as... That's pretty white. Is that a hot tub? Or a baptismal font, I presume? what temperature do you keep the baptismal font i like mine bubbling yeah i like to scald the babe i was at a catholic wedding where the photographer was walking like after the wedding everybody had to get up on the altar like the
Starting point is 00:46:58 whole family everyone who was there and the photographer was backing up it was right before easter so there's like a whole bunch of like what bunch of daffodils and all that stuff around the it was down south so the baptismal font was like a pool in the back of the church with a tiny little cute fancy filigree fence and she's backing up to get everyone and she flips over the fence and goes fully into the baptismal pool with her camera.
Starting point is 00:47:18 No. Born again. Born again. The big celebration. It'd be funny if it was a dude But the fact that it was a woman That is despicable Either way Wee-oo-wee-oo-wee
Starting point is 00:47:29 Right, yeah Today of all days We're out of wee-oo-wee-oo-wee for that Wait, what did you say? What was the word you used About the fence? Filigree Filigree?
Starting point is 00:47:40 Fancy I was saying it's like a fancy church I don't know nothing about that word Yeah Filigree? Filigree I know That's a like a fancy church. I don't know nothing about that word. Yeah. Philagree? Philagree. I know. That's a fucking good-ass word.
Starting point is 00:47:48 Pete's come to show off his talent. Pete, come on in, Pete. Pete, Pete. Pete, Pete. Pete, you can come in anybody in this office and they won't be pregnant. My next trick, I will bust in you. Pete, we're doing no repercussion. Everyone's talents and without our usual snark.
Starting point is 00:48:03 No snark or snideness coming from this side of the room. Do you have any talent? Lay down your sword, brother. Oh, let's see that gunk. Why? Oh, your big fat ass from yesterday. Did people get your ass? Somebody photoshopped his big juicy ass.
Starting point is 00:48:26 We're just going to photoshop his bulge. Big juicy bulge. He keeps his jeans baggy for a little extra room for his bulge. He would wear JNCOs unironically just to house his bulge. Speaking of that, you guys see the guy downstairs selling jeans today. Oh, yeah. Stocked up. After he got off those jerseys, he's like, dude, I can start selling high end. Oh, yeah. Stocked up. After he got off those jerseys,
Starting point is 00:48:46 he's like, dude, I can start selling high end. Oh, my God. God damn. Uh-huh. B-B-L-P. Oh. Yes, brother. P-E-E-T-O-P-E-T-O-P-E-T-O-P-E-T-O-P.
Starting point is 00:49:00 P-E-E-T-O-P. P-E-E-T-O-P. God damn. That boy is fucking thick. We broke the AI thing, by the way. You were right. It couldn't find Big Cat being bored. Couldn't find Big Cat being bored.
Starting point is 00:49:09 Yeah, couldn't break it. It does not exist. Wow. Is that barstool? Just a barstool? Who is somebody else famous enough that it would work with? I would like to just keep doing people with guns. Anyone that doesn't work in this office.
Starting point is 00:49:22 I figured he was the second biggest. Dude, I think this champagne is fermenting on my chest. It's still as wet as it was when we first poured it on ourselves. It has such a yeasty smell. Well. John Feidelberg's straight. You get used to it. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:49:36 Yeah, dude. John Feidelberg what? Straight. This month of all months. Yeah. You can't fucking do him like that. Don't put them in such a compromising position dude i'm kind of betrayed by the people upstairs that they won't come down and do our talent several people from around both floors were like oh yeah i have one i'll do it and i have to say i'm giving in the stink eye i'd go, but I have piss pants. And I have piss chest.
Starting point is 00:50:06 Yes, you are the one who could do it, but also you're the most intimidating on the show. It's true. People might be afraid to say no. True. That is also true. There's no one here is the problem. That is the problem, man.
Starting point is 00:50:21 You find that people are afraid to say no to you? Yeah yeah is that a thing is that a like when you had your original talent yeah in your early 20s is that alright do you want me
Starting point is 00:50:29 to go ask people yeah go ask people we need to end this shit out with a fucking bang dude we need some good ass talented people people in here you know who's talented
Starting point is 00:50:37 Fart Hands is in the back editing area is it NASCAR boys Kyle Busch isn't that right boys yes dude yeah but isn't he away this weekend doing that race in Sonoma in wine country Kyle Busch. Isn't that right, boys? Yes, dude. Yeah, but isn't he away this weekend doing that race in Sonoma? In wine country.
Starting point is 00:50:49 Oh, sweet. The best place to watch the best drivers in the world at one of the premier motorsport facilities in America. With all your barstool favorites. That's right. The Sonoma Valley is known for great views, great wine, and world-class racing, and you can't find it anywhere else. The road course dishes out 12 turns that each provide a unique challenge for drivers.
Starting point is 00:51:06 Barstool's own Casey, Kelly Keegs, Kahn's, Large, and Spider are headed out to experience the race live in person. You've got to watch this race on Sunday. You can still get tickets at sonomaraceway.com, but also be sure to tune in. NASCAR Cup Series from Sonoma Raceway this Sunday, June 12th,
Starting point is 00:51:23 at 4 o'clock Eastern Time on FS1. Okay, put that in the Ad Read Hall of Fame. Did you see how flawlessly they hit that copy? How they integrated it into the conversation, popcorning it among the hosts of the shows? Dude, put that in the Hall of Fame. So smooth.
Starting point is 00:51:40 Forestool favorites will be interviewing the drivers, the pros and cons. It's well done. Very well done, dude. Maybe you should do those on anus now. Nope. What happened on anus? You back to your bad boy ways?
Starting point is 00:51:54 Uh-oh. There was one we weren't great at. What happened, Steven? I thought that you were out of that. Yeah, you're content now, bitch. Two feet in the mud, brother. I didn't realize you're still playing it up in the ivory tower. Today's my last day upstairs.
Starting point is 00:52:10 Ooh, hey, some champagne. Straight arms from champagne and celebration. Yes. Yes. I mean, if you do it correctly, it's not going to be fucked up. Take the glasses off. And I'll say Stephen Jay has a wingspan on him. That's a guy who's going to be eight feet from his face.
Starting point is 00:52:26 Look at this. He's like a hawk. That's not a Vitruvian, man. That would be an oval. Yeah, it would. It throws off the proportions. This is going to be tough. Let's do the AI Stephen Che Vitruvian man.
Starting point is 00:52:39 Straight arm. Straight, straight, straight. It's got to be totally straight. It's got to be straight. Don't cock that. He's got glasses, too. I would have taken my glasses off. Oh, he's good. Straight, straight, straight totally gotta be straight no don't cock that he's got glass congratulations brother congratulations all right we got and mince talent and mince what's your talent microphone microphone microphone don't doubt yourself it is it is thephone, microphone, microphone. Don't doubt yourself. It is. It is.
Starting point is 00:53:05 The gray one. Is that one the gray one? Or this seat is wet? I would say sit down. Whatever it is. It's a little bit wet with champagne. I don't know if this is talent, but I have a thing where I can cross my eyes and one goes in and one won't move.
Starting point is 00:53:16 No way. I look like a nut job. Yes, please. Yes, please. Look into the camera and do it, though. You could even abandon the microphone and make this all a physical prank. Get up close to it. Oh my god.
Starting point is 00:53:32 Somebody get this man a transfusion. Oh yeah. Keep doing it. Don't stop. Don't stop. Give us like a full minute of it, brother. Can you speak while doing it? Can you give us like some tongues? Give us like, what would speaking in tongues sound like? Mincy, that counts as a talent. Yeah, that's a Gregorian tongue.
Starting point is 00:54:00 Very nice, brother. That's what Glennie's angels see. That is. Into the mic, bro. We want to hear it. Everybody wants to hear the explanation of this. Yes. I had, like, naturally, like, cross-eyed when I was three,
Starting point is 00:54:13 and I had eye surgery on one. So the one that has surgery can't move. And then the other one does. And so it was like when I was, yeah, yeah. Can't move. It doesn't, like, they uncrossed it or something. Really? I was only three, so I don't know. It doesn't, like they uncrossed it or something. Really? There's only three, so I don't know.
Starting point is 00:54:26 That's dope to have it into a talent, bro. Turn it into a talent. You're wearing it as armor. What's funny, though, is any time I get like real angry or pissed off or fired up, I'll cross them without knowing it. So I just look like a, I mean, whatever. I want to know what the Vandy Whistler saw. You were steaming that day. Strayce.
Starting point is 00:54:47 Oh, that was good. Are you on Cameo? Do you do those on Cameo? I do Cameo. Yeah, I'm on Cameo. I do Cameo. People should ask you for your disgrace. You should tell everybody that they're disgraces. I forgot.
Starting point is 00:54:56 During when it blew up, I should have pushed the Cameo more. What are you going to do? But I'm on there. Push it now. It's going to go viral again. You'll go viral again. Damn right I will. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:05 Hell, yeah. You're not, baby. It's in your nature. It's in your nature. Any chance this week? again. You'll go viral again. Damn right I will. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. It's in your nature. It's in your nature. Any chance this week? You think you'll go viral this weekend, maybe? What are you doing? This weekend, probably not. Well, this weekend, if Ole Miss actually could.
Starting point is 00:55:14 If Ole Miss makes Omaha, because we haven't made it in eight years, the celebration will be. So viral watch on if Ole Miss makes Omaha. I mean, we're going to see. I got to watch. Yeah, because it's like they only made it once in history. I was back in school, and I was so broke I couldn't go. And so now, like, I get to go.
Starting point is 00:55:32 And so, yeah. What's your plan if lightning strikes? How are you going to capture the moment? I don't know. Make it viral. I'm just going to let it organically happen. But I'll make a point to make it different than all the other ones. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:43 I'll make it, like, not just me screaming. Well, yeah, it'll be some of that. Yeah. But I'll make it to where it's memorable and not just, like, they won some random game. And then I'm going to Omaha again next Thursday for the College World Series with Carl and Jake Arrieta. Good gang.
Starting point is 00:55:59 Me and you are bunking in Vegas, right? Yeah, yeah, I'm figuring that out, too. So, yeah, going out to the Mincy Tour summertime. It's like America, go west, young man, in the summers. That's right, brother. And the south is just hot as balls right now anyway. So Omaha and Vegas. Go out west where it's cool.
Starting point is 00:56:16 Is this a continuation of the first Mincy Tour? It's a summer tour. It's a summer tour. Okay, great. That was the spring tour. Gotcha. The spring tour was like Louisiana and south. Summer tour, Omaha, Las Vegas. Yeah. Well, brother, enjoy yourself. Okay, great. That was the spring tour. Gotcha. The spring tour was like Louisiana and South. Summer tour, Omaha, Las Vegas.
Starting point is 00:56:27 Yeah. Well, brother, enjoy yourself out there, man. Cross your I's and dot your T's, bro. Always do, baby. Always does. Hey, Mincy. That was a good-ass talent. That was a good talent.
Starting point is 00:56:40 I do appreciate how the Mincy tour is too hot for the South, so he's going to Vegas and Omaha it's a dry heat you're right it's a dry heat that makes a difference two notoriously cold places at the night time Mincy only goes out at night
Starting point is 00:56:56 that's why he's got the party shirt is that Feidelberg straight yeah that's what he'd look like if he were straight. Absolutely. What is this? What is that? The only straight permutation. Stephen Chave, a Truvian man.
Starting point is 00:57:12 These fights could have existed in the 20s. These are dope. That's sweet. I like how together they all turn into pop art. What are these? These are fucking incredible. These are stunning. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:57:26 If I went in a gallery and saw this, I would... Be like, wow, this is great. Yeah, mortgage my shit. Three of those together is like a triptych. Couldn't get enough. No one wants to come on. Huh? Minty was the only one who wanted to come on.
Starting point is 00:57:39 Well, in the final minute... Can we finish my sheet that I have? Yeah, yeah. It's not the final minute. Oh, okay. I don't minute. I don't know. Ending it on time would be ending it early. That's true.
Starting point is 00:57:52 It's Friday. We got nothing else going on. It sounds like you have something else going on. No, no. I'm actually excited to just sit around and drink champagne, to be honest. This bottle's tapped. What about down there? I don't think there is one down there. I think there's one on top of the cooler. I don't need it. I'm good.
Starting point is 00:58:09 They didn't take it into the beef. Fastuli needs some champagne. He has a talent. Fastuli! You can name every Barstool employee. Fastuli! Backwards? Come on, man.
Starting point is 00:58:23 Oh, it's his mom. Name everybody's first rundown mom. He named everybody's first rundown appearance. He definitely can. He definitely has some crazy stats like that in him. That beast. Absolute beast.
Starting point is 00:58:33 Whoever, whatever barber he switched to, he's probably on Tommy's two haircut, or like $68 a month haircut club type of thing. That's outrageous. Tommy pays $70 a month
Starting point is 00:58:41 for one haircut. Yeah. For a subscription. Outrageous. He's a prescription. Such a hypochondriac. His doctor wrote him a prescription for haircuts. Tommy went to the doctor because his hair was growing.
Starting point is 00:58:54 What is this? It's probably nothing. I just want to check. We can't be too sure. I'm cutting my hair. You've got malignant hair. Cutting your hair? How short?
Starting point is 00:59:04 I don't know. Maybe mullet season is that TJ saying it yeah why don't you go bald alright show us show us how you're at right now
Starting point is 00:59:11 and then show us what you would might want to do with it like pull it back a little bit yeah let me give a recommendation sheesh my word that's a good
Starting point is 00:59:20 like you get off a motorcycle take your helmet off why don't you bring a picture of Zah yeah dread it. Yeah, that would be awesome. I'm going to grow mine for another year, then have a very long rat tail with one clay bead. For how long will you have the rat tail?
Starting point is 00:59:35 We've got to get, like, a GoFundMe to, like, keep your rat tail for a certain amount of time whenever we hit goals. Every dollar is a rat tail day. We'll get you until the end of your life, brother. Every thousand dollars is another clay bead. I'll have enough to buy the Louisiana Purchase by the end of it. You will, dude.
Starting point is 00:59:54 You are going to be rolling in it. The people will love for you to have a long ass rat tail. I remember it was the kids on my bus who wore the Dallas Cowboys starter jackets are the ones who had the rat tails when I was growing up and they were the most obnoxious fucking kids on the planet brothers I knew three kids that had rat tails and they were all named Conrad two of them were brothers yeah see it was brothers on my bus and they both had Dallas Cowboys starter jackets they both had the little it wasn't braided but it was just there it just there. For some reason, non-braided would be even spooky. It was literally just.
Starting point is 01:00:27 Oh, yeah, you never braid the rat tail. It wasn't braided at all. It was like maybe half an inch and then wide. Fasoli is going to name 30 Barstool podcasts, past and present, and future. You got this, brother. You got it. Into the mic. Part of my take, KFC Radio, Call Her Daddy,
Starting point is 01:00:53 Million Dollars Worth a Game, Chicks U. Sure. Wow, Chicks U before. There's another one that started with that word. Token CEO. Women, potato, potato. Publicity. Publicity.
Starting point is 01:01:08 Too soon. ZeroBlog30. Podfathers. He's not out today. Maybe you should look around the room instead of... Or the ones he's been on or worked on. He's a cheat sheet on the ceiling. Son of a... There it is, 11.
Starting point is 01:01:32 Business Pete has a huge... You're kind of pissing me off a little bit. Genius. Genius. No, no, you're just... I'm taking it personally. Okay. Who I'm presented by.
Starting point is 01:01:45 There it is. Yeah. All right. Sponsor you. How many is that? See you, fuckers. 12. What?
Starting point is 01:01:52 12? To work. You're at work. What are you talking about, dude? Finish the job. Finish the job, dude. You can't slag off Nick like that. He is your sponsor.
Starting point is 01:02:01 30. The corp. You're going to finish your job. Do your job. Didn't you do a pod? Do your pod. 30. The Corp. You're going to finish your job. Do your job. Didn't you do a pod with Jerry Thornton? Mm-hmm. We got bounce. Healthy scratches.
Starting point is 01:02:11 You're making me think right now. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sully hates things. We'd be pretty twisted if you couldn't get this all right. You wouldn't be a friend of Jerry if you didn't get this one. When exactly is this going to get real? Why are you trying to quit on this?
Starting point is 01:02:32 I'm not quitting. I have stuff to do. Okay, okay, go. No, I don't want to. It's Friday, bro. No one's working. You've got to be positive. No, we're not.
Starting point is 01:02:44 The Middle Eastern. We gotta be positive. It's a great haircut. Yeah, he looks good. I know, he's revamped his look, but now he's you know, he has a seniority around here. He's throwing his weight around. Oh. Fasoli? Yeah, it's Fasoli.
Starting point is 01:03:01 For the money. Donnie got a haircut like that. Yeah, it was vertical, dude. It defied gravity. It was from like a 12 year old kid too So funny Can you get that TJ? That was my inspo pic to show the barber I think I mean
Starting point is 01:03:15 Like It's a clean ass fade When I gave birth My baby dad Pat had the most heinous That wasn't Pat at the time. That's true. He was calling himself Ricky or something. No, he was the Beav titty emoji. Beav, that's right.
Starting point is 01:03:32 When I gave birth, he was the Beav titty emoji. That's right. And he had a bleach blonde mullet with the thin the razor thin thing. And I was like, you know, you do you. I'll never tell you who to be, but like, we're having the baby.
Starting point is 01:03:46 Like maybe you could like not look that way. First thing your child saw was the beef. Yes. And then he saw your baby. I love how like beef titty. Yeah. I'm about to be like a dad. Most guys would be like,
Starting point is 01:04:03 all right, like, yeah, let's do that. I need to be the beef. Yeah, no. I need to be the beef titty emoji. And the photos from that day, like I look at them now, like you don't notice me or the baby the first thing you notice in all the photos.
Starting point is 01:04:14 You're like, oh, my God, look at that guy. Wow. That's the beef. That's the beef. Yeah, that's right. Beef was loose. That's right. That was what was going on.
Starting point is 01:04:21 That's so badass. I feel like you guys are forgetting the titty emoji. It's the beef titty emoji. The titty emoji is one of mine. With multiple space bars, too. They were big titties. That's right. That was what was going on. That's so badass. I feel like you guys are forgetting the titty emoji. It's the beave titty emoji. The titty emoji is what it was. With multiple space bars, too. They were big titties. That's right. The beave rocked.
Starting point is 01:04:31 Yeah, the beave. Rocks. No, the beaves were gone. I was ordering diapers and all this stuff for the baby, and then I would open a package for him, and it would be a bunch of those big head dolls with whatever. Funkos. I'm like, you're ordering Funkos right now? What the fuck?
Starting point is 01:04:48 That's fucking hilarious. He wasn't ordering them. The Beeve was ordering them. Can we pull up a picture of the Beeve? I need to reminisce. I'm trying to remember. He rocks so much. Was he real tan as well?
Starting point is 01:05:03 He was super tan Like a riff raff beard right? I wonder months let me I don't know if I can like hold it up to the camera Or you could text it to the group chat And we could have TJ could probably pop it up Or some shit like that Here we go hold on It's a good reminder to just be who you are
Starting point is 01:05:21 That's a good reminder to a child coming into the world Just be who you are. That's a good reminder to a child coming into the world. Just be who you are. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it. Yep, that's what was in the delivery room. A subdued shirt, though. A quiet shirt. Quiet shirt.
Starting point is 01:05:40 Chest hair poking out. He would wear a chain that had a blinged out B on it for beef. That rules. And probably some glasses, sunglasses, or half-shaded sunglasses. The beef rocked. Sunglasses with a light tint.
Starting point is 01:05:55 He has an Albuquerque vibe to him. Heavy Albuquerque vibe. He's giving Albuquerque right now. He has whole outfits just covered in weed drawings that he goes to pick the baby up from daycare in. And I'm like, could you please like,
Starting point is 01:06:07 don't do that. I think we were on Friday Night Pints with you around this time. Did you have him cut a Coke nail? Yes, he had a Coke nail. He had a very long pinky Coke nail that was like just for the beef.
Starting point is 01:06:19 He totally wasn't doing Coke, I don't think. It was the beef. He said, look for the beef. Did he go through the umbilical cord with it? He did. He sliced the umbilical cord with it? He did.
Starting point is 01:06:25 He sliced the umbilical cord. Then he was wiping and it got dangerous. You're right. I had to genuinely, and he, not joking, he was like, you're trying to change who I am. It was like a real talk. I was like, I don't think you realize what's about to happen. You need to cut your coke now. I'm not joking.
Starting point is 01:06:41 You were like, yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that was good times. It's the beef. It's the beef. Still together. It's fine. And the nail's gone.
Starting point is 01:06:50 Now you're with Pat. The nail's gone. Now I'm with Pat. The beef. You're with Pat. Yeah. The beef ever come out? We finally broke him.
Starting point is 01:06:57 Finally broke his spirit. We should get one beef a year. We should get one beef a year. All guys should get one beef titty emoji a year. I think that Enrique should produce a play about the beef, about a man having to become like... Part of me thinks... Go from the beef to Pat when he has a baby.
Starting point is 01:07:12 It was like the last trimester is when he beefed. And I think like, was that like a real mental like, like the last like, hurrah, I'm going to be a giant piece of shit. People have bachelor parties before they get married to get it out of their sisters. You need a month of being the beef. Right. Sometimes you just got it.
Starting point is 01:07:31 Before a son. Yeah. Oh, man. I like it. What an awesome time that was for us, probably not you. It was for everyone. For all of us.
Starting point is 01:07:40 That was pretty sick. What if your son becomes the beef? No. You never know. It could be passed down very easily. I'm the Beav now, baby. No, I don't know. Did he have any name suggestions?
Starting point is 01:07:53 Oh, he had the worst name suggestions. We still picked a kind of weird name, but he had some crazy. What did he have? Like cats in the cradle? He'd grown up just like me. Oh, my God. Said I want to be like you, Beef. He's the Beef.
Starting point is 01:08:12 The Beef's in the Cradle. Silver Beef. You have to have your baby go as the Beef for Halloween. Yeah, 100%. That's true. They had a bunch of matching tracksuits and stuff that he would take him to CVS in.
Starting point is 01:08:27 That's got to be the best part about being a parent. Matching outfits. Matching tracksuits. Fucking around. Yeah, matching tracksuits are cool. Yeah, he had names like Tork and Excellence. Tork? He was like, I'm joking, kind of,
Starting point is 01:08:38 but what if his middle name was Excellence or something? Excellence. So sick. It would be cool. Eve the Excellence. What is this? would be cool. Eve the Exorcist. Do we need to do the second one? No, Chase, do you want
Starting point is 01:08:51 to do Signals again? There are people even Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Who's giving Navy Seal? Did we do both of these though? Oh, we didn't. Shop our Pride merch,
Starting point is 01:08:59 Sass. Tell them about it. Sassy. It's Pride Month and it's Pride Month. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to head on over to that Barstool Sports store and you're going to want to shop our Pride merch.
Starting point is 01:09:12 100% of the net proceeds are going to the LGBT Community Center. The collection includes out and about tees, it's not a phase, sweatshirts, tank tops, and tees. Pride themed designs from Spit and Chicklets, KFC, Barstool Chicago, and 4Play. Shop now at store.com.
Starting point is 01:09:34 Store.com. DJ, pull up store.com or.com. There you go. Great socks. Good-ass read. That was a good read. That was a very good read. Oh, hell yeah.
Starting point is 01:09:51 Search stuff. I like how close the logo is to the search bar. Yeah, it's right on top of it. What do we got? Oh, it's just a search engine. Stuff. Stuff to animals and toys. That's wholesome.
Starting point is 01:10:04 Yeah, click it. It's exactly Google. It's just Google. And it's Walmart a search engine. Stuff. Stuff to animals and toys. That's wholesome. Yeah, click it. Let's buy some. It's exactly Google. It's just Google. And it's Walmart.com. Wow. Earl Grey tea. Huh.
Starting point is 01:10:12 That's weird. A couch, Earl Grey tea, and then robot. What's that lady doing? What's she up to? You need... What is that? Treadmill assembly. Oh, you could...
Starting point is 01:10:21 Huh. What? You hire a woman for treadmill assembly on Walmart? For folding chairs. Yeah. How much for those folding chairs? $32 each? We gotta see if Big Cat will buy these for us.
Starting point is 01:10:34 Those are trail. It's a good chair. Set of four for $32. Oh my god. We're losing money if we don't get them. There's no way it's four for $32. I bet it is. Those chairs are impossibly cheap.
Starting point is 01:10:45 What the fuck? Set of four for $32? Yeah bet it is. Those chairs are impossibly cheap. What the fuck? Set a four for $32? Yeah, snag them. I gots to have it. Put in Big Cat's car number. It's like $8.24 each. Huh. That's so fucking...
Starting point is 01:10:55 A, such a good deal, and great math by you. Wee, wee, wee, brother. Fine print. Oh, fuck. Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee. You are good at fast computation. Mm-hmm. I think enough champagne has been absorbed through my gooch where I'm wasted.
Starting point is 01:11:12 You're boofing right now. It's not quite. It's almost like drip coffee where it goes through the... I think the gooch is the thinnest layer of skin on a man. And yours is very hairy, so it's absorbing everything. It's picking things up that were left there by Big Ev the show before. Yeah, that's right. You're cross-pollinating. I'm lucky I didn't have a tampon in.
Starting point is 01:11:31 It would have gone right up the string. Right in. Crawled right up the string. Like a bank tube going. That's how that works. Tass was too nervous to ask. You wanted to know how those work? How tampons work?
Starting point is 01:11:44 A tampon. A tampon. Do you want to know how those work? How tampons work? A tampon. A tampon. Do you want to hear a disgusting story? Yes, I do. I already regret saying that out loud. You don't have to tell this if you don't want to, but we all really badly want to hear it. Okay. I was in Wildwood.
Starting point is 01:11:59 Okay. Me and my cousins were out. Wildwood is the grossest of the Jersey Shore towns. Me and my cousins were out on my Aunt Peggy's boat. And I had had a tampon in all day long. This is TMI, but whatever. Tampon. I had a tampon in all day long.
Starting point is 01:12:13 And I always get paranoid. You ever heard of toxic shock syndrome? Where if you leave a tampon in too long, you can get really sick. So I think it's mental for me. But every time it's been a few hours, I'm always like, I'm starting to get a headache. I'm starting to feel sick. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Starting point is 01:12:27 We're out on this boat. And I'm like, all of a sudden a sudden i remember and we're drinking or i'm like oh no and then i started to feel like oh no am i getting a headache blah blah blah i gotta like get rid of this my uncle mike the philly union electrician who's always like what i'm not he's like driving the boat not like a guy who went to tampons with whatever yeah yeah he's not me and some of my girl cousins were all having fun we're drinking so i'm like what if i jump in the water and i just thump down to the sea those aren't gonna sink well so here's what happened i i jump off the boat and i'm swimming around i'm like oh yeah whatever and i thump it down i don't like how much of a thump noise it is i didn't know it was a yeah yeah i thump it down um and i'm like how much of a thump noise it is. I didn't know it was a thump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thump it down. And I'm going back to
Starting point is 01:13:08 the boat when my cousin's like, ew, oh my god, oh my god. And it come back up to the surface and a bunch of seagulls had come down and started going away. Oh! Yeah, yeah. Oh no, no, hey, hey. Wee, wee, wee.
Starting point is 01:13:21 That is hilarious. You're so terrible. You're a chum. Mine? You're a human chum. Yeah, that's right. But lucky a shark didn't come. Yeah, that is.
Starting point is 01:13:31 That could have been way worse than seagulls. Wow. Yeah, that was. You might have been the first person to ever do that. Yeah, and they're like, oh, is that your tampon? No. It's not mine. Smell it.
Starting point is 01:13:41 It's not mine. It's not freaking mine. Yeah. Have mine in. What are you going gonna make me show you i will weirdo there's a trail behind you i'm like yeah oh god that's awesome yeah pretty cool story yeah we i've never even pooped in the ocean i'm i just in the last five years started peeing in the ocean i didn't even used to pee in the ocean I just in the last five years started peeing in the ocean I didn't even used to pee in the ocean you know what the best pee in the world is
Starting point is 01:14:09 you ever go body surfing while you're riding a wave to just let it go it's great also wild wood you guys ever pull your tampons out while you're riding a wave like jumping underwater with a basketball and it shoots into the air.
Starting point is 01:14:30 It really launches you to whip out your tampon. It's like hitting the gnaws. All right, here we go. Like the sea turtles. I don't know why I'm thinking of it as like a reverse bathtub plug where she pulls out... The ocean goes inside by the... Watch out for the whirlpool!
Starting point is 01:14:55 Oh, man! Oh, man! Everybody thinks of time... everybody thinks the tidal waves coming because the ocean recedes no get out wait for the beach are blowing their whistles just kate the girl who cried tampon that was a good ten minutes. That was great. Oh, man. Anything else, boys and girls? Wheel?
Starting point is 01:15:31 Oh, my God. Holy shit. Good call, TJ. Thank you. Lost our way. What would have happened if you guys didn't? Yeah, legitimately terrible. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 01:15:42 Only for Kyle, though. They just DM Kyle. Everybody just takes Kyle fights back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They know they're going though. They just DM Kyle. Kyle fights back. They know they're going to get a response from Kyle. Not Avers, but they go at it for hours. And then they become friends.
Starting point is 01:15:59 I just wind up in his hotel room. That's what I was. I used to be a DMer of Kyle's. We were on Put-In-Bay and there was this account that's been mean to Kyle for about four years. His name's Mean Peter. He's like, I'm in Put-In-Bay, let's fight. And Kyle's like, all right. And then the guy, I don't think it was true.
Starting point is 01:16:15 I don't think he was there. But Mean Peter's friends were there, and Peter sent his regards. Just so he wasn't too nice. That's dedication, though. Four years of Mean peter just a born dickhead some people are born like that yeah where's he from mean peter yeah ohio oh really he's not gonna fight kyle he just wants that attention i just gave it to him yeah i think
Starting point is 01:16:40 you've empowered the boy yeah yeah uh wheel mean pete? Mean Peter's up right now. Mean Peter's next up. Also, we're like 200 followers away from 100K on Twitter. Oh, shit. I feel like we should stay for that. Don't you know, pump it up. Don't you know, pump it up. Don't you know, pump it up.
Starting point is 01:17:00 If we get to 100K before the show ends, I'll pull my tampon out. Why are the followers going down? Kate, why? The show dies, that's it. Zero followers. Wow, I've never seen that.
Starting point is 01:17:17 That was weird in hindsight. This is a daily show. The memory of it is so short. Okay. We're not going to clip that. Okay. He's not going to live on forever like Saz blowing a load in his own face with a champagne bottle. Okay.
Starting point is 01:17:33 Thank God. I never know what we've ever said on this show. I didn't even know I put spiced chicken on the wheel. Dude, I hope it's not food. If we have to eat food right now. Uh-huh. Not very good. What is Food Wheel?
Starting point is 01:17:46 We just put on a bunch of foods, and then we spin, and then someone has to order them. We sit here. Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. That could be the worst option right now. We also typically end, and then we just eat the food.
Starting point is 01:17:59 Oh, okay. We have to order it, though. I just hope it's not food. The whole thing. Usually Big Cat's here to pay for it. Right. Okay. It's whack, dude. We didn't even Usually Big Cat's here to pay for it. Right, okay. It's whack, dude.
Starting point is 01:18:06 We didn't even have someone to buy us the fucking lawn chairs. We're just going to go without. Yeah, he's got to start leaving a card behind when he leaves. Yeah. Or at least some cash.
Starting point is 01:18:16 That's for his number. Pop, pop, pop. Yeah, some cash. You think we can get some cash? You guys can order some pizzas. Yeah, like a babysitter. Yeah. That was the best, by the way.
Starting point is 01:18:26 Being a babysitter, get left cash. Yeah, I was a big babysitter and having cash for pizza and stuff. The first time I got that, I didn't know you were supposed to tip the delivery guy. And so I made him give me exact change on like a 20. It was like a 20. The pizza was like 1840 or something like that. I was like, no, I'll take the change. He was not happy with me.
Starting point is 01:18:47 I'm a bad person. I'll never forget it. Let's spin it. When I get up all in ya. I think we did that strategically. AB's wild. Monday, AB's wild. Monday, KB's wild.
Starting point is 01:19:02 Eliminate our wheel to find out who's getting wild. Yeah, fuck. Monday, KB's wild. Big's do it. Eliminate our wheel to find out who's getting wild. Yeah, fuck. Fuck yes. Monday, KB is wild. Big Cat's not here Monday. Oh, he's going to have such FOMO. We'll put him on the wheel just in case. Just in case he'll have to do it from afar.
Starting point is 01:19:13 He might have to fly back early. Brandon is back. On Monday. So add Brandon. I'm also not here Monday, but I'll do it on Tuesday when I'm back. Okay. Are you not exempt? Oh, good question.
Starting point is 01:19:25 He's exempt from the last one. No. No, he's not. No, I'm exempt from Hot Chip. Yeah, I don't think you get exempt from KB's Wild. No exemption. Okay, and we have Brandon, we have Big Cat. All right, we're good to go.
Starting point is 01:19:37 We have Kate with a C. Is this an elimination wheel? Elimination wheel. Okay. No, last time it was not an elimination wheel. Last time it was first. Are you sure? No, it wasn't sure? No it wasn't
Starting point is 01:19:45 Oh it wasn't because it was Oh no you might be right I think he's right It just landed on me Yeah I think he's right We can change it That's not something I like an elimination
Starting point is 01:19:51 I like an elimination wheel I like an elimination wheel yeah Because it gets us closer to 100k I want to be live when we hit 100k What's this? What the fuck was that? Alright alright 98 away What the fuck was that? All right, all right.
Starting point is 01:20:05 98 away. You're 98. All right, let's start eliminating. Ooh. Zaha. Champion of the wheel. All right. So good at the wheel.
Starting point is 01:20:24 So good. You're right. The champagne, it smells. Hey, look at Zaha. Champion of the wheel. All right. So good at the wheel. He's so good. You're right. The champagne, it smells. Hey, look at Zaha's shirt. Not drying. That's a beef shirt. That's a beef shirt. You should see.
Starting point is 01:20:36 My side of our closet is like a couple hoodies. Pat's side is like packed. He must have like 150 patterned. Silk shirts. Silk shirts that are very expensive. Yes, he's got like, yeah. They're super expensive shirts. It's incredible. Yep.
Starting point is 01:20:52 You ever see the video of the mom with the baby standing next to a bunch of shoes? Sassy. Oh. Oh, no, you may have cursed yourself, brother. Oh, sass.
Starting point is 01:21:02 I'm saying this is why we rent. Looking at a bunch of like shoes. Yeah. Yep. I'm saying this is why we rent Because of all the shoes That's us with Pat's clothing And bling and shirts This is why we rent If you've seen the lighting he has purchased for his podcast It's more than this room I swear to god I'm not kidding
Starting point is 01:21:19 And it's in our bedroom It's right next to our bed He would fucking love to come in and beef out with you guys. Yeah, the beef. That is not invited. No, no. We just want the beef. He doesn't know whenever we have sex.
Starting point is 01:21:36 That's who I think. Oh, yeah. The beef. Beef titty emoji. Right. All right Alright Big cat Lucky dog Enjoy San Francisco
Starting point is 01:21:50 Asshole Bastard That son of a bitch I would love it If Brandon gets back And he's gonna do Sorry Brandon The wheel
Starting point is 01:22:04 Oh my god What if that happens Maybe it's Completely different back. He's got to do. Sorry, Brandon. The wheel. Oh, my God. What if that happens? Maybe it's completely different. KB's making it. I feel like we should tell him. Monday, KB's wild. Something to look forward to, boys.
Starting point is 01:22:17 Tune in Monday for the grief wheel. Oh, yeah. We're choosing how long Brandon can grieve. Sorry, man. It's over. Dude, my shirt smells like a frat floor right now. Yeah, it stinks. Sassy. There it is.
Starting point is 01:22:29 Here you go, brother. Sassy from downtown. Nobody wilds the Sass Master. Breakfast in bed. All right. I would love a double J. Ooh, can KB himself? Maybe he can KB himself.
Starting point is 01:22:43 Ah, Nick. Oh. All right. I would KB himself. Uh, Nick. Oh. All right, I would love it for it to be Nick. Wait, can KB KB himself? Yeah. Shouldn't KB not be on? Was he on the wheel last time? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:55 Wait, KB could have to do it again? KB can be, KB's wild as he makes the game. Or he might have to KB himself. I confirmed this last time, yeah. He should be on this wheel. Wow. Doesn't really make sense, but. Oh, nothing we do ever does.
Starting point is 01:23:11 36 followers away. 36 away, boys. Hey, when I say boys, I mean you two. That's fair. Oh, the wheel is just. Oh, that's unjust. The wheel is just. That's okay. Fuck. No way. Nice wheel is just. That's okay.
Starting point is 01:23:25 Fuck. No way. Nice summery palette left there, boys. Anus boys and Kate. That's nice. That's got me fired up. That color's there? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:23:37 KB. Faith, yes. Kate. All right, I'm good. I'm okay with that. Anus wheel. An anus wheel. An old anus wheel. It's an old anus wheel.
Starting point is 01:23:46 Can we get an online representation of what an anus wheel would look like? Can you go anus wheel? Could you go to shop.com and look up anus wheel, please? He's doing it, I think. Oh, he's doing it. He better be. And he butter be. He butter bean.
Starting point is 01:24:08 Butter bean's still alive, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, hell yeah. That's it. That rules. That's really getting in the butthole. Oh, my God. That's perfect.
Starting point is 01:24:19 Whoa. That's amazing. That's how you can do that with your shin hole. That's the best talent of the day. That is the best talent of the day. That is the best talent of the day. He is so deep in his butthole. Wow. Oh, my God, it really is in there.
Starting point is 01:24:30 He has a cavernous top hole, or do you think that it's breached the ring? It's breached the ring. It's breached the ring. Are you sure? Absolutely. He's going to be shitting like those Miller Lite bottles now. The spiral comes out fast. The vortex turn is going to come out so fast.
Starting point is 01:24:44 Vortex shit. That spiral comes out fast. The vortex shit. That was an incredible summer. Those vortex bottles. You could have Velcro pubes. What's that? Pubes made of Velcro. It's wasted. What are Velcro pubes, man?
Starting point is 01:25:03 What's that? Let's do this fucking thing. Shit. Alright. For the best. That's for the best. Owen, are you getting nervous? I don't think so. That's out of... I would have loved to see a self-wild. TJ, do we have 100k?
Starting point is 01:25:21 I am nervous. I don't know. We're not spending this until we're at 100K. I don't give a fuck. Nike, yo, wait. Is that a targeted ad for you? Oh, no, TJ. You just told on yourself, bro. Ten away.
Starting point is 01:25:35 Ten away. Maybe pull up a Reese highlight? That usually does the trick. It could be anybody named Reese. Witherspoon Reese Witherspoon The brother from Malcolm in the Middle Pieces man Yeah, just
Starting point is 01:25:50 Bring up your favorite Reese Ryan Reese 2005 World Series of Poker He spells it R-H-Y-S Okay, yeah, this guy's good Who's he? He's a hoop king Oh, he's European?
Starting point is 01:26:04 What is that last name? Zorogol? Okay, yeah, this guy's good. Who's he? He's a hoop. Hoop king. Oh, he's European? Says 125 views. What is that last name? Zorogol? What if we change this guy's life? Wait, what country outline is that in the court? That looks like Drew Brees' birthmark. Oh, my God. Holy fuck.
Starting point is 01:26:20 And what is that, a fat sheep outline? Yeah, it must be. Damn. The fat sheep. All right, Reese. Let's go, fat sheep. Go Yeah, it must be. Damn. The fat sheep. All right, Reese. Let's go, fat sheep. Go off, Reese. This dude is dope.
Starting point is 01:26:29 We gotta be there. Oh, my God. Lay up. Absorbs the contact. Is this Australia? I believe so. University of New Brunswick. Ah.
Starting point is 01:26:37 He's next up. He is next up. Yeah. Yep. I love fucking hoops, dude. Reese. Reese. dude. Reese. Reese. Reese.
Starting point is 01:26:47 Oh, buzzer beater. He's nasty with it. He's definitely next up, dude. Let him shoot. Put him in your next mock draft, Steven. Bye. Pull, pull, pull. Atta boy, Reese.
Starting point is 01:27:02 Oh, my gosh. Good form on the J. He really spots up. Roan, can you do the impression of him talking shit? You fucking cunt. Oh no, you thought you could guide me? You can't guide me. Oh man.
Starting point is 01:27:21 He's too tiny. He's a baby. He's just a baby. I put him to sleep. He's too tiny. He's a baby. He's just a baby. I put him to sleep. He's tiny. Put his head, ain't that what they keep saying? Oh, fuck. We hit 100?
Starting point is 01:27:36 Let's go. 100K. Let's go. Woo. Boy. Wait a minute. So does that mean next year's Reese Day is Reese Valentino 100K Day? That's another landmark.
Starting point is 01:27:49 Another layer to add to it. More reason to be nice to everyone. This is all you, Kate. All you, Kate. It's all me. It was the tampon story, I think. I think it was. It really got people going.
Starting point is 01:28:01 It catapulted us, much like when you take out your tampon in a wave. It just flies away like a balloon that popped. All right. Are you guys doing best of? No. Let's get this over with. It's one? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:28:14 Yeah. And whoever it lands on is getting wilded, or whoever it lands on is eliminated? Eliminated. Eliminated. Do it right when it hits the line. Now. Perfectly even. I think it's going to be Owen.
Starting point is 01:28:27 So I'm getting wilded Monday. Nick's wild. At least we have Nick Tuesday to recover. Thank God for Nick Tuesday. We got to start researching his old tweets. There's not many. Nick only has like 30 tweets. How the fuck did I get hired?
Starting point is 01:28:44 We're going dumb viral right beforehand. Three tweets that all popped off. Right then it was like, all right, him, I guess. It was fucking sweet when you were tweeting. I'm sure he'll keep this up when he's hired at a social media company. You bait and switch them so fast. I don't think so. You're going to get this viral load.
Starting point is 01:29:06 Viral load. Oh, no, no. Viral load. Alright, I'm going to call Kyle. He might be in the air. The nicest this weekend in Brooklyn. Oh, yeah, and nicest is on YouTube now. First episode. Check those both out.
Starting point is 01:29:21 Or I guess check that out. You're on an airplane right now? No, I'm at the airport. You're live on the Yak. It's KB's Wild Monday for me. For you? Yeah. Oh, yes.
Starting point is 01:29:37 Yeah! All right, man. Oh, fuck. All right. I just freaked out everyone. All right, all right, all right. Peace. All right. I just freaked out everyone Alright alright alright Peace Wow I never heard him that excited I know
Starting point is 01:29:51 That's awesome tune in on Monday It will be KB's Wild featuring his muse Nick Thanks for listening and have a good ass weekend weekend. Wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee wee We'll be right back. It's time to stock shop We're doing Yankees Love is the act It's the act

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