This Paranormal Life - #072 This Website Will Sell You a Functioning Time Machine

Episode Date: July 31, 2018

When teenage hero Marty Mcfly went back in time and made out with his own hot mom, it made all of mankind wonder - "Damn. Could I do this in the real world?" But is time travel something only possible on the silver screen? Or is it actually easier to achieve then we would ever think?Support us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityIntro music by www.purple-planet.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do ghosts have to sleep if they died tired? If humans are causing global warming, what the f*** is causing winter? All of these questions you can find the answer to on this Paranormal Life. Hey, welcome everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. This is a paranormal podcast. This is a paranormal podcast. Where every week we investigate a brand new paranormal case and come to a conclusion at the end as to whether or not it is true or false.

I'm joined by my paranormal investigator and co-host Kit Greer. That's right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Glad to be here. And I'm glad you're here as well, Kit, because I have an incredible case today that we need to talk about immediately. Really? Yeah. All right. Well, that we need to talk about immediately. Really? Yeah. All right. Well, that's what we're here for. Time is of the element.

Or is it irrelevant? That's not the saying to begin with. Time is of the essence. Again, I said time was irrelevant, but really we have to push on. Let's breeze past. We have to really quickly have to get into this. As always in this show, we love to dive right in. Can you stop talking though?

We need to get into this. Time is actually very much of the element. Really? Yeah. Yeah element really yeah yeah yeah yeah okay let's get to the point here it's 2003 and we're in new york city a captain at the new york police department is filling out the rest of his paperwork for the day he's eating a bagel he's maybe having a dollar slice. Exactly. He's walking here. When he hears a knock on the door. Hey, Captain. I got an incident I need to talk to you about. I don't have time for this. It's been a busy night.

I gotta get back to the wife and kids. It's pretty important, sir. We've got some strange activity down at Wall Street. Look, I know I'm sure it's very important, but my wife is, is she just gonna divorce me if I don't, because I've been staying late to work too much, so I don't think I can do this. Listen, there's some guy called Andrew Carlson who's managed to turn eight... Sorry, I really threw him by the...

There's some guy called Andrew Carlson who's managed to turn $800 into $350 million. And that's not the craziest part, Captain. He's made all that money in two weeks. That's right. Andrew Carlson had made 126 high-risk trades and came out a winner every single time. Really? And we're talking about high stake investments as well.

Because I was going to say, this didn't really strike me as police business right off the bat. Right. But what we're saying is that this is so improbable that it's suspicious. Exactly, yeah. It's getting to the point where the police

got to stick their piggy noses in it. So the captain goes, all right, let me run this guy's details through the machine we'll see if he's got a history or not the machine of course sensible i assume every precinct has one yes you type in like comes back terminator style it comes up with a entire life history yeah and then at the end tells you whether they need to die or not. It'll say death, Y or N. So they run the name and there's no results. No ID, no birthday, no address.

This guy doesn't exist. What? This is suspicious enough for the captain to take action. So he grabs his badge, his gun. Of course. I assume he has to call his wife his wife now uh hey betty look look i got some bad news you piece of shit i know sweetheart look i know it's canceling again i can't believe this i know it's christine's dance recital you i know it's our anniversary and i

know it's valentine's day also it's Valentine's Day also. But look. It's the most important day of the year! I got a goddamn wolf in Wall Street turning 800 into millions, baby. Have you been drinking? You're not making any sense. Me and some of the boys, we're going to go out for cocktails after this. It's happy hour down at the... Your son's calling out for you. He's asking where's his papa.

It's a happy hour down at Slum She's. The Slum She's? The local police watering hole. Oh, I'm contracting. I need a ride to the hospital right now. I can't eat. What? No, two tequilas, one Sampuca.

Oh, no, his head's coming off! I lied, we were already at Slumpy's. There is no case. Oh god, I see the light! I got laid off two weeks ago. Also, side note, I lost my ring. Yeah, I was uh, I was taking a dump and I think I knocked it in the bowl. So he grabs all of his gear and they head down to wall street and they start asking around for andrew carlson they search the offices they search the trading floors and it isn't long before

they manage to track down the man they're looking for really without a moment to lose they cuff him and drag him out of the building jesus christ a lot of force here well you know you that guy's making a buck he's a goddamn the american dream he's a god he here. Well, you know, you- That guy's making a buck. He's a goddamn The American Dream. He's a goddamn- He is the American Dream. You know what- I think. They permit wolves on Wall Street. You know what they don't permit?

Wizards. This man has turned $80 hundred dollars into $35 million. He is a wizard. So they get him to the room for interrogation. The whole squad behind the two-way glass. Hmm. You know know maybe you do a little good cop bad cop yeah of course uh one officer comes in it's like sorry for dragging you out here uh we got a hot cup of joe other police chief slaps it in his eyes yeah you know hot coffee in his eyeballs burning yeah someone goes i'm so sorry forgive steve he's a bit of a

bad cop no no i need a doctor now i've got hot coffee in my eyes i can't see don't worry i'll dab you off and it's a sign of goodwill it really hurts and then steve decks you in the lungs yeah and steve's got crazy eyes as well you know he's like you're gonna tell he's got a switchblade for some reason everyone in the precinct's a little worried butterfly knife behind the glass they're like okay we should probably go stop this steve locks the doors uh steve stabs the good cop this is getting really bad cop steve winks through the the one-way glass and sets the prisoner free it's like wow he is taking bad cop to the highest level He just took a bribe right in front of us leans back at the glass wink bad cop

At this point, you know, you got him in the room The team are ready to stay all night if that's what it takes but almost immediately Andrew says alright. Alright. I got a confession to make well. I know they're thinking that's it. That was easy Oh wait, you got the canary singing. Maybe I'll make it back in time for the recital after all You know, they're actually I'm gonna go to schlumpy some goldish lump. He's absolutely I'm not even yeah, although everyone on the team is like don't don't kid yourself We all know you're going to slumpy's chief The whole team are gathered round to find out how this man made millions in just two weeks andrew says look i'm a time traveler that's why i didn't come up in your police scans i haven't been born yet what it's pretty baller isn't it

like it's kind of cool to be arrested by the police for being too good at making money yes and then when they ask when they ask how you did it you're like i don't even exist but i i would love to know what is the incidence rate of criminals i mean the the incidence of criminals lying as soon as they get into an interrogation booth must be pretty high also yeah i wonder as well specifically about time travel like how many are go straight to time travel i mean it's pretty convenient to claim that you don't exist when you've just committed a crime the team can't believe it but all of a sudden things start making sense how else could he have guessed 126 predictions in a row? Carlson said,

it was just too tempting to resist. I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I'm too much of a big dick baller to lose a single round. The honeys were hanging off of me me he went on to talk for four hours about when he arrived the future and how he planned to win big off the stock market drop i i feel like there's a flaw though in this interrogation tactic i mean i know we're trying to get information out of him but if he's a some sort of criminal professional gambler he's going to be a dab hand at bullshitting you'd think so i mean he's smart enough to have allegedly got his hands on a time machine so unless they're just handing those out

like candy in the future i don't know how the shit he got this i guess you're right well at the end of his confession he says all i want is to return to my craft and get the hell out of here and he says if you let me then you know maybe i can tip you off about some secrets of the future reports claim that andrew tried to bargain with exposing the location of osama bin laden or the cure for aids when questions what a piece of shit he has all of the all of the tools at his disposable to help mankind at every turn like imagine you went

back in time like 500 years ago before germ theory and you befriended a guy and he was like hey bro you're not such a bad guy anyway I'm gonna go drink out of this uh puddle of donkey shit and in that moment if you don't tell him listen in the future we know there's a thing called germs you probably shouldn't do that it's gonna make you very ill

probably die if you just withhold that because convenient to your goddamn life story the guy's like on all fours like drinking out of the puddle he's like damn that's good say what's that weird metallic clothes you're wearing i haven't seen anyone oh god drops dead you take his wallet it says old leather wallet i mean that's the equivalent of what's going on here yes that was a bit of a strange time with the cure for aids and you went straight to the casino straight to the casino well when the police demanded to see his time machine or discuss exactly how it works he refused afraid that the technology would fall into the wrong hands it has you are the wrong hands sir sir what would you do if you're the

police captain at this point yeah i don't know what you can do do you release him onto the streets until he does commits another crime or can you take him in and kind of lock him up overnight well it's it's tough because you you can't send him to jail because you don't know how he if he was cheating or not you don't know how he made all his was cheating or not, you don't know how he made all his money. And then also, if you do send him to jail, what if he did know the location of Osama bin Laden? And you had it there on your plate. Yeah. And you didn't grab it.

I guess. I mean, it's definitely above the pay grade of the local, like, NYC police officer. I just know if you were that police chief, you would walk into the room and you're like look we've been discussing it and no dice like we're not gonna we're gonna take you in and he's like okay okay foolish mortals and like a portal beams up from the sky and it's like you have been laden in the palm of your hands i know that that's whenever good cop says the bad cop like i think it's probably best if we don't tell anyone about tonight. You go to that recital. No, f*** it. Let's go to Schlumpy's.

We'll pick this up in the morning. Forget it ever happened. Well, like a lot of people who know too much and get captured by the government, no one really knows what happened to Andrew. But in a 2003 article by the Weekly World News, they stated that the mysterious time-traveling Andrew Carlson had been bailed out by a quote-unquote unidentified benefactor at the cost of 1 million US dollars. That's a high bail. Yeah.

Woo! Before his court hearing on April 3rd, he disappeared and was never seen again. What? Yeah. Now now him disappearing that's strange you know he got away with it but all i'll say is eight years later the u.s found bin laden so think about that is that uh just the thought this story just like just the thought man like went off a cliff edge i mean mean, is that the story today? That's all we've got?

No, there's more. There's more. But I want to take a pause here because I felt like that's a good point. Eight years later, boom, they got him. Right where Andrew said. No, he didn't say anything. He didn't say anything. Maybe he was a little vague.

He was like, I see sand. If I vague. I see. You didn't mention that. I don't think he said anything. Yeah, I'm paraphrasing all I'm saying is who knows whether

they cracked a deal or not he said he knew where Bin Laden was Andrew disappears we find Bin Laden those are just the chain of events what was that movie about

that I watched recently about busting Bin Laden the f***ing war movie it's not her locker is it like six seal team six I know that's who did it but i was

like is that what's it was it called like an andrew carlson so have you not seen this movie no i haven't seen that whatever movie you're talking about is it good oh it's incredible no spoilers we sort of watch we sort of watching it because how does it end does he get away with it or how does it end which one is it i can't wait does he get away with no spoilers but how does it end absolutely tell me how it ends zero dark 30 yeah zero dark 30 haven't seen it i haven't seen i haven't seen that one no is it good though no spoilers what happens though does he die i bet he dies now i know you're probably a little skeptical right now. Right.

Of this whole story. Yes. So I actually did some research on time travel. Hopefully, yes. And whether or not it is actually possible. Okay. I fell down a bit of a wormhole, if you'll pardon the pun, because it's actually mad interesting.

Is that where you got the dinosaur tooth necklace from? I mean, that looks, it's a giant tooth this one no i ganked it from the museum before we started this completely irrelevant to the story actually yeah way irrelevant i just thought it would make me look cooler it does not the bloody knuckles though that i used to smash in through the the glass ceiling so that really hurt i actually messed up my back as well from the entry i went straight down onto the hard marble floor and uh it's been getting increasingly worse because i'm wearing a dinosaur tooth around my neck which is heavy as hell yeah you've got a hunch for sure it really wasn't worth it in hindsight you truly are andrew carlson smashing the glass ceiling only to steal from a museum it's actually really really

interesting because the scientific opinions about it change like every year right because this is highly theoretical physics yeah so one of the popular i don't have i can do this with a sheet one of the popular ways people display time travel like explain it is it. Is if you think of, I have a sheet of paper here. You think of time as like this sheet of paper. Right. It's a straight line. Yeah. Right?

But people believe that you can bend time back on itself. Right. And what I'm doing is kind of like folding the page in half. And then if you can find a way to drop down from the top, sticking a pen in there. See that? I'm dropping down into the bottom. Into your hand, by the way.

Oh, God, that went straight in. Yeah. Think of my palm, my bloodied palm as the past. And what's the blood? The blood is me. Think of me dripping down into the past. Right. That's time travel.

See what we've done there? Okay. But what we need is a method of going through these holes to get to the past right that's time travel see what we've done there okay but what we need is a method of of going through these holes to get to the past okay people have theorized that wormholes could do this uh-huh but the problem with wormholes is they collapse they're not very sustainable i see they kind of fall apart into each other but in the 1990s astronomers found out that the universe and its expansion was actually speeding up rather than slowing down which is weird. And Professor Tamara Davis who is a cosmologist at the University of

Queensland in Australia refers to what is causing this as dark energy. Right. Which I know sounds like the powers of a wizard, but in this context, I think she's talking about the energy force that is pushing the galaxy out into space. Okay. If you could find a way to harness that energy to stop a wormhole from collapsing, then you could hypothetically keep it open long enough

for someone to drop from the future back into the past. So that's what we need to do. That's what we need to do. To catch this bastard. There was also one scientist that was like, I think in the future we can, it's all insane, it's like we could fire lasers, rotate them fast enough to warp space

and time create our own own wormholes and travel through them and i was like okay that's that sounds like a possible thing and he's like of course these would be microscopic and we would need to shrink a human down to the size of an atom it's like that's another problem yeah that's not that's not that's not gonna work kind of like starting like a cleaning company and being like we promise to be able to clean your entire house within 10 minutes or less and you're like wow that seems like a really efficient service that sounds great and then they get to your they get to your house and they're just like oh hello it's the cleaning service i'm so glad you're here. 10 minutes, right?

You promised? Yes. Well, that is if we can get our machine here to work. Right. Is it a vacuum cleaner? Actually, this highly experimental technology is going to vaporize all of the possessions in your house into thin air, suspend them in a vacuum, sucking all the oxygen out of your house. Then we will clean the place

extremely efficiently. Wow. And then we will re-vaporize all of your possessions back into existence. You keep saying vaporize. That sounds dangerous. Well, as long as the pets can stay, the humans should probably...

Humans should probably stand aside for a few minutes. Ten minutes? Ten minutes or less? Well, the thing is, once the machine powers up, should probably... He was probably standing aside for a few minutes. Ten minutes? Ten minutes or less? Well, the thing is, once the machine powers up, time is irrelevant, mostly. And actually, if it goes wrong and you lose your possessions forever, you won't care, because you will be drifting through infinity

without time, without space. She's like, alright, ten minutes. Clock starts now. Fire it up, boys! It went wrong. it's going wrong. Kit Kat starts screaming and is like, I love that idea of it just building a machine that you think

is gonna work, but you'll know if it doesn't work within the first second. It's like, we won't know until we flick the switch, but we can't, it's too risky to flip the switch until the last possible second. So it was really cool, obviously, to catch up with where the scientific community are at in terms of the possibility of time travel. Right. Of course, the more I researched, the sooner I realized that it was all completely irrelevant.

Because I found a company online that would sell me an actual functional time machine. Wow, I can't believe the scientific community has overlooked this merchant. That's right, folks. For the small price of $750,000, the D7 time machine pod can be yours in under 20 days. Have they manufactured more than one D7 time travel pod? It's hard to track their shipping numbers. The website is sketchy at best. There is two Amazon reviews, one five-star that seems to be by the owner,

and one one-star that seems to be by someone who was scammed. For $750,000, the frequency capsule Capsule Pod D7 Time Machine can be yours. Okay. I've got an illustration, actually. There's a drawing of what the machine is like. A drawing? We can't get a photo? Well, it's like a blueprint.

Like, just look at it. Holy f***. I mean... Incredible, isn't it this looks like a digital drawing of a copy scanner done in microsoft paint kind of looks like a big tanning bed this obviously is not real i mean there's there's just a two foot long standard power cable like you plug into a socket i'm sorry how dangling how else do you want to power your time machine i just kind of feel like get realistic kit jesus well it says quartz so it sounds like there are crystals involved for the crystal fuel yeah

obviously but not the power cord i just feel like a time travel machine probably needs more than 230 volts, but who am I to judge? Also, I missed out by far the most crucial details. Why is both frequency and capsule spelled incorrectly? We're dealing with elements larger than spelling here. We're talking about time and space. The kind of people who are just firing on all cylinders and wildly inventing machines that may or may not work, they don't concern themselves with spelling. Exactly. Look, you're skeptical,

but this is why I have all the details of the machine right here, all right? I'm gonna hard sell you this, bad boy. This is the bio. This is the description. D, all caps. D machines allow you to travel to other worlds Without dying I feel like if they've really got to advertise it

It's because it might not be true It sounds like they made a C machine Which allowed you to travel But you absolutely died Like you were dead You showed up dead It was a way of sending bodies back to the past Training has to be done before using these machines

because of the threat of entities and mimic worlds that reflects our own. No effort to explain what a mimic world is. These are real time machines and should be used very carefully. Here's a little information on the D motor. A D motor is a dimensional motor. There will be no full disclosure of the blueprints and diagrams of the technology, but I will share with you the aspects about this motor and what it does. He's playing it safe.

Okay. You know, he's selling you the machine. He's not telling you how to make your own. Yeah, of course. You buy a Lambo for a half mil. They don't take you on a tour through the factory and tell you how to make one. They are giving a man to fish. They don't want to teach the man how to make a transdimensional fish.

The CT, computer terminal, is the control system that operates the D motor. The terminal has its own operating system with a one terabyte hard drive disk. It also features eight USB ports for transfer connectivity. Why? What? This terminal will be compatible with VR gaming in the near future. Why?

This type of VR gaming has no need for a headset, but only your consciousness itself as the avatar controller and visual screen sold yet i don't think what if i you're not won over by if i am getting in to a time machine and there is a usb port i am not plugging a some sort of USB drive with MP3s on it. Because for all I know, I may end up 600 years in the future somehow genetically fused with a Smash Mouths All-Star. The idea is, I guess, you hear it all the time when people go back in time and they're like, My phone's dead. My transponder has been destroyed. You got eight usb

charging ports in this bad boy you're gonna be fine you can charge that shit all day and when you get back to the past you got energy to spare these guys are cut they're breaking ground here it's like apple you know you can't just take away the headphone jack sure they took away the head that was a bad example it's it's like android you gotta keep the headphone jack but adapt it now we now we use bluetooth uh headphones as well so you know it's a slow progress into the future people are going to show up to this and be like oh cool time machine does it support vr gaming and it's like yeah it does it's like and how many usb ports you know that's their frame of reference it is so great that you are not a salesman cool because this is not working this is not good this isn't even good podcasting at

this point this is why i saved the best to last prepare to be won over by all of the uses of the d7sd machine rapid fire here we go with d7sd machine you can do remote viewing psycho diving interdimensional battles channeling talk to the dead go to other worlds time travel exit. Time travel is very far down the list. Interdimensional, do you say jewels? Battles. Also, what the f*** is psycho diving? Go to other worlds. Time travel.

Exit body. Without death. uh go to other worlds time travel exit body without death i'm really owning in on the you don't have to die thing obtain blueprints from other worlds that is absolutely how they made this machine obtain music from other worlds ban it we get it you can take things from other worlds from other worlds take rocks from other worlds take take food from other worlds maybe even plants banishing entities contacting people in the future how do you ban it do you by banishing an entity do you lock an entity in the machine and hit time travel you actually you put them psycho die

which basically is an incinerator contacting people in the future prevent events and death obtain information from the future pass a lot of this is the same by the way time travel talk to people in the future obtain information from the future these are all the same, by the way. Time travel, talk to people in the future, obtain information from the future. These are all the same things. Virtual reality gaming. And curing mental illness. Obviously not. Though, it's unbelievable that they have the audacity to market a time machine,

and yet they cannot market it effectively. It's almost like you have discovered the fountain of youth, and then you hire a PR company to market the fountain of youth to the world, and they're like, wrinkle-free. No more wrinkles. No more wrinkles for anyone. Makes you younger. Makes you younger, Makes you not older.

Makes you be able to relive childhoods. No. F***. Really bad at it. If you want to sell the D7D machine and you're listing out the key features, it's one. Travel through time. That's it. And that's sold.

Don't call it the f***ing D-mode diver, psycho diver. Just call it time machine. Psycho diving. Interdimensional battles. It's incredible. You know, and I know we're guilty on this podcast of plugging the Patreon whenever we need a quick buck.

But look, guys, we need a D7D machine ASAP. I think we need to add a stretch goal to the Patreon. All of the ways I found to exit my body mean dying. Unfortunately, yeah. We've been looking. We've been looking. Kit's been trying to psycho dive for years now, and there's just no viable option except for the D7D machine.

So if you go on to the patreon this paranormal life uh patreon we need to raise now uh 750 000 dollars to secure one of these machines and we promise that within the first two months of receiving the 750 000 dollars we will make a bonus episode of an interdimensional battle with just the first entity we find that's yeah that's a good idea or if you want us to incinerate anything and send it back to the past anyone anything send it him say no more there and boom no questions done just psycho dive so that's all the evidence i really have in today's case and i don't think you could really get any stronger than that i told you about a time traveler that existed and exposed the

location of bin laden to the u.s military i gave you examples where the scientific community believe we can actually travel back in time i showed you a goddamn website where you can buy a time machine this is some of the most extensive research i think I've ever brought to the table in this paranormal life. Should we just say yes now? Is it a double yes? Why don't we do... We'll do two, okay? Why don't we do...

Do we think Andrew Carlson was a time traveler? I think that's fair. Okay, we'll split this up. Or even existed. And then we can follow up with, do we think time travel is possible great idea number one hard no number two hard no no no yeah okay i see where you're going with this there's not a lot of evidence for andrew granted there's no photos of him pictures of him identities because he didn't exist kit that's what i'm trying to trying to say well he did exist i mean he so he he existed enough to

uh gamble illegally he existed enough to be brought into custody if he didn't want to have to pay a million dollars in bail he could have just not existed his way out of that one turns out he did have to pay that someone paid that someone paid a lot of money they didn't let him let him have his time machine in his jail cell kit he's got to get bailed out to go home his rich dad had to time travel through time to bail his dick son out that would be such a great movie moment whenever the uh police officers they're just sick to death this andrew character at this point and then the guy who's going to post the bail you know turns up at the precinct and the police officer's looking down he's like he's like all right you're here to bail out uh mr carson and the guy's like yes

yes i am policeman looks up it's andrew his doppelganger that would be so good from the brim of his hat hands a check for one million dollars i'm you from the future uh still not real cool cool cool cool uh uh fair enough i agree with you that i don't think it's real i think the whole story is um just a fun story pretty darn fun story pastor time travel time travel though i mean i don't know if this is you know the most i feel like there's going to be more than one time travel um story in the history of this paranormal life right if we're going to be specifically talking about um this d mode what's it called uh d7s the d7 time machine the d7 time machine right frequency frequency pod psycho dive in them

maybe we need to go through them one by one psycho diving absolutely real time travel not real instrumental battling real of course depends on the the battle um is there any reviews any uh evidence of anyone having bought one of these and used it? No, the site, it's a strange site. They actually sell a number of different products. They sell hover cars, exosuits, small mech, and large mech. A lot of those tabs, when I clicked on them, went to blank pages. Okay, not invented yet. The designs for the mech were actually hand-drawn. I think the D7 is the only one that they've really got a firm grip on. Which is kind of bullshit because one of the pluses on it

is that you can go to other dimensions and gank their blueprints. That's true. So maybe that's what they're doing now. They start with the D7, go to the other dimensions, gank the blueprints, come back. Now we're selling large and small mechs because we went to that dimension where everyone has one of those so they're they're a working company when it comes to the d7 time machine frequency capsule pod i'm willing to defer judgment until we hit the stretch goal of

three quarters of a million dollars that's fair and then we just got to try it out right here in the show so until that point we cannot land on a firm decision as to whether or not time travel is possible. It's true. We don't know. But that's up to you guys. As soon as we hit that tier, boom, we are ordering one of these machines. I think it's free shipping around the world. It better be. I just paid $750,000 for a freaking time machine.

30 episodes time. Guys, it turns out the shipping was another $900,000. It had to come from another goddamn dimension dimension they were out of stock in this dimension so we really need to ramp up those donations once again thank you very much um so as soon as that happens we get that machine we'll come back to this episode but hope you enjoyed this week's episode of andrew carlson the mysterious stock market time traveler if you do enjoy the show and want to support us even further as we said we have a patreon we don't really run ads at all except for chompies which let's not get into that but please buy them now because we need to move units we're as little as

two dollars a month you can get a bunch of stuff bonus episodes research notes t-shirts merch and more so definitely check that out if you want to support the show uh we're on all the social media networks go check those out and join and also if you do contribute to the patreon what we like to do is give you a special personal shout out on the podcast we have a couple people to thank right now thank you to ryan davies ryan davies likes his sunday dinner with gravies thank you so much ryan for contributing to the patreon enjoy those uh what do you call them those little pastry things you put the gravy in a yorkshire pudding enjoy your yorkshire pudding thank you also to patrick brookleman patrick i too am one broke assass man. Was that his second name? I feel like I got close.

Not what I said, but it's fine. Right, but I'm a little less broke because you have decided to contribute to the This Paranormal Life Patreon so we can get sweet-ass new mics, stands, and soon a D7 dimensional trans machine. Trans teleport... Time machine.

Oh, yeah. Thank you. Sorry, the psycho diving really f***s with your head. Thank you also to Sam Porter. Sam Porter, who is a hoarder, likes to keep everything from old newspapers to his golden coins. But it looks like he's been

generous enough to toss a couple in the bucket of the paranormal peasants. And we are eternally grateful. Thank you, Sam. Thank you also to simply, truly, Deeply, Jake. Jake, could you bake a cake for my upcoming wake? Not my wake, but it's one I'm going to when I need. I didn't bring a gift, so I need like a cake.

Like, sorry, you're dead. What's a wake? You're confused. Yeah, what is a wake? You're asking me earnestly? It's a bad one, right? Yeah, awake is whenever someone has died. Oh, dead.

Then the body stays in a house for maybe 24 or 48 hours. And everyone sort of gathers to the house. So the cake was... And hangs out for... Is that a bad idea? Or would that be a good thing? It depends what it says. What does it say?

Congrats. For sure bad. Okay, I'll ditch that. Jake, no congrats. Just the cake. Thanks, pal. He's not doing it, so it's fine. Cool, cool.

Good to know. Just the flowers then, Jake. Thank you also to Lloyd. That's right. Lloyd the Roid. The biggest gent I've ever seen in my goddamn years on this earth. The fat stack who super jacked. Lloyd the Roid.

I shot him once. I thought he was Bigfoot and I shot him. He knocked on my door. He took one step in. He said, hi, my name is Lloyd and I shot him. Bullet ricocheted right off those washboard abs and straight into your soggy, mushy cake abs. So thank you for the contribution. I need that to get the bullet out. Thank you too.

AR Feuzwegel. Well, with the D7D machine, not only will AR Feuzwegel be possible, but also VR Feuzwegel. Nice. d machine not only will ar ford swagle be possible but also vr ford swagle nice that's right you'll be able to ford swagle through time and space battling intergalactic demons and psycho diving deeper than you've ever dove before so uh i trust that ar ford swagle will be enjoying that when we hit that stretch goal absolutely thank you for your contribution. Thank you to Pip Marchy. Pip Squeak Marchy. That's right the opposite of Lloyd the Roid. Little Pip Squeak Marchy is the smallest person I've ever seen in my life.

She knocked on my door, opened it up and said hi Roy I need to- and I shot her. I thought she was Littlefoot. A beast I just invented. For the sake of being able to shoot someone on my own doorstep but she's so damn small the bullet missed her ricocheted off the door handle and hit me in my flabby k-cabs so this was the same day so i'm clutching not one but two bullet holes i didn't even bother to patch up the first well thank you pip for your contribution today thank you also to zodan strompson jesus christ why are we not buying a time machine off this guy zodan he sounds like

what would come out of the d7d machine yeah and whenever he did and announced himself you go sounds about right yeah i don't know what i expected look we appreciate the contribution to the patreon but also if you could give us a discount on the d machine that would be great thank you to jason e gaius gaius gaius guaius this sounds like a time traveler if i've ever seen one someone whose name we can't even pronounce how futuristic is that pretty out there that's when they've... It's like email addresses. When you run out of all the regular ones,

you've got to start adding in letters here and there. Getting creative. It's like, what's your email address? At one point, it's just going to be like, Oh, I'm schmalkow at hotmail.com. It's crazy stuff. You've got a nosebleed, but I know that's part of it. Again, the psycho diving.

It's really... It's kicking in now. uh we'll just breeze through this last one but thank you lastly but not leastly to ness avery lock ness avery the beast herself she knocked on my door one day came right in and i said freeze you little sea beast. And fired a couple rounds off. Of course, her slippery scales curled the bullets around right back in my cake-ass belly. I never learn. I refuse to learn. And I should really stop using more high-velocity weapons every time I make the mistake.

Right, it was a.50 cal last time. You had a whole, like like sniper's den set up so thank you so much for the contribution that about wraps up the shout outs for this episode if you're still waiting on your shout out and you are a patron that's because your shout out is coming in a future ep we are getting there slowly but surely thanks for being patient and bearing with us and you know what if you just can't wait to hear your shout out or you can't wait to listen to future episodes of this paranormal life we need to secure ourselves the d7d machine so you can come over here we'll send you to the future when we've made

2 000 episodes of this show and you can just have the time of your life and remember you will not die you can do it all without dying. That's right. We couldn't be more clear about that. Exactly. If you show up to Rory's house unannounced, cannot be clear about the outcome of that. May die, may not.

Please phone ahead because I am fully loaded. Thank you for listening to this week's episode. We will be back next Tuesday. Until then, remember to live fast, investigate, and die young. If you believe it, it's real.