This Paranormal Life - #295 Best of 2022

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

In the final instalment of This Paranormal Life for 2022 we take a look back at some of the year's finest and funniest moments, and look forward to a new year full of paranormal shenanigans! Thank you for listening in 2022. We can't wait to see you in 2023!Support us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunityIntro music by www.purple-planet.comResearch by Amy GrisdaleEdited by Louis Blatherwick Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners around the world. It's Kit here on my own for a change, presenting to you a very special This Paranormal Life Best of 2022 episode. I mean, I wish Rory was here to wish you a happy new year as well, but sadly he can't. He's not in the UK right now. He's somewhere in Los Angeles, which is cool. But I'm here. I'm here, which is fine because I have a lot to get on with, a lot of work to do. But someone has to do it and I'm happy for him. Hopefully he's having fun out there in Los Angeles. Actually, I can tell you exactly where he is because I got about 25 fraud alert notifications last night from our bank. HSBC called me at about 4am saying someone in Las Vegas just put this month's Patreon on black. I said, that's absolutely fraud. Block it. And then Rory text me, let

me see what he said. Completely misspelled by the way. Double or nothing, LOL, cash emoji, cash emoji. Then another fraud alert as he tried to put all the company's tax savings on red but it's cool i'm glad he's having a good time after all it's just kind of raining here in the uk so we're all staying inside did i mention i have covid by the way i have covid my christmas was cancelled because of covid. So, it's cool. It's just like, meh. Just like, one of those years. One of those years.

So if you're out there laying low like me, what better time to revisit some of the best moments of this paranormal life in 2022. So kick up your feet, light the fire, f*** it, pour another glass of Baileys, lock your bank account so Rory can't get at it, and sit back and enjoy some of our highlights of this year. We've had an absolute blast making this paranormal life in 2022, and we can't wait to do it all over for you again in 2023.

Thank you so much for listening. We will see you in the new year. The very next day, the couple met the agent at their final property viewing. This one, the Crescent Hotel and Spa. It was breathtaking. A gothic building nestled in a field of trees with a nice wide path coming up from the highway. The garden stretched out for acres and the view from the hilltop was stunning. Yeah, she's a beaut, ain't she? You think this is something.

Wait until you see indoors. The group approached the giant front doors and pushed their way inside. So, the place was built in 1886. It did have three floors, but the top one suffered fire damage in the 60s look it'll need a lot of work to be honest if it doesn't sell soon they might just flatten the whole thing but it's been popular enough through the years though before the fire that is why did he bring them up here he promised them this was the most beautiful hotel he said this side of the mississippi and then when he gets gets up there he's like oh yeah now i remember it's actually a hunk of shit

it all burned down it's a fire hazard to take millions god more than the cost of building itself to put it right it's a beautiful five-story hotel five-story pre-fire of course now it is a cozy one story hotel. It's under new management. Run entirely by rats these days. Since the rats moved in, the place has gone downhill for sure. It was popular though, before the fire that is.

It's been a hotel, a school, and even at one point a hospital. This little nugget caught Elsy's attention. What kind of hospital was it the realtor's smile faded which is the worst response possible to that kind of question i mean bad that she had to ask i was hoping i mean bad enough it was a hospital at all. Yeah. But if it's anything other than a general hospital, he should have said.

Right. What kind of hospital requires the response, we don't speak of the hospital? It was a hospital for war criminals. Yeah, it's like a beautiful place. It's been a hotel, a school, but most people know it simply as home. Home to the criminally insane, that is, as a high-security prison. People will come from all over

to visit this place, but mostly the courthouse directly to here. And then they die. Did I show you the torture rack? We're going. Elsie, get your coat. Torture rack used to be a beautiful room, pre-fire of course. I really cannot overstate how much damage the fire

has done. Keep your shoes on, folks. The floor is still hot on account of the fire is still burning in some rooms. If I could just show you around the living room, opens the door. Whoa! Fire's still

going in there. Anyway, did I show you the... Shut your mouth! Stop talking! Every word that comes out is a disappointment and a travesty. On the plus side, your heating bills will be very low. Let's get into 2022's best moments, right after some words from today's sponsors. Old Mr. Moriarty was extremely old and deep into his retirement. He would only divulge

the details of his knowledge after a glass or two of grog and a draw or ten on his pipe. But sure enough, if you got him just the right level of blasted, the story came tumbling out. I'm not rightly sure how long ago it was, but it was a good while before the blessed St. Patrick came to the country. It was as full of people as it could hold, and the cities were on it, with palaces

and courts and heathen temples and round towers, all covered with gold and silver, till they shone, till you couldn't see for the brightest. What was that? Was he drinking something? The king of the ages. He had a furball

stuck in his throat. Okay, yeah. The king of the island had the biggest tower. He was the biggest of the heathens. He was Satan's own. And if anyone

did something to displease him, he'd slice off their heads with a sword as long as me. Longer even. Wow. People hear the guy at the bar who doesn't want to hear

the f***ing story. That's great, man. Can I... Drinks, guys? Anything? You've got to keep drinking if you want to stay here. You had two grogs

and it was about four hours ago that guy's drinking blood can I get someone that it looks good people were chopped up and hung without trial he had a hundred wives and if one of his wives ever stood up to him he'd lop off her head and laugh saying that that was the only cure for a woman's tongue. Ooh, that's not on. I mean, I'm not on board with any of it, but that's also not on. He'd curse from sunup to sundown. I don't dare

repeat any of the things he would say. He slept in a bed of solid gold and would slay his wives by the tens if he woke up on the wrong side of it. I don't dare repeat it, but here's a few to get your imagination started. F***. Titties.

Ballsack. Bastard. Three minutes of non-stop swearing. The island, the island. Oh, yes, yes, the island. Of course, the island. And yet a few more before we get back to the story. Crap.

Titty fiddle. He said a bunch of stuff about immigrants he's you you're just saying all the things you want to say now he sits in this very pub all right it you. He said a bunch of stuff about immigrants. Some of it honestly wasn't too far off the mark. He was kind of an ancient Joe Rogan of the island. His family disowned him. Now he sits in a pub telling stories to strangers. And then taking their wallets when they leave. It's 4am. You have to get up. You haven't had a drink in days. In the 1860s, there was a project called the Crystal Palace Pneumatic Railway,

an experimental rail system that used vacuum and suction power to pull carriages through an airtight tunnel. Oh my god. This was a real thing. It actually operated for two months in 1864. Wow. And what are two months? What are two months? Sure, we've lost a couple thousand passengers, but the ones that did make it had a surprisingly pleasant journey its maiden voyage was so successful it sucked the flesh right off the passengers bodies they started as fully living humans in one end and a carriage full of skeletons just arrived on the other side yeah we need to calibrate the vacuum don't stand too close to the window because if the window isn't entirely closed, you will be pulled out the gap in the window and turned into Corgetti.

I love the idea of them starting this up. They've got a carriage full of the public there to be excited, try it for the first day. They're like, all right, hit the button. The carriage just descends into the tube and the guy's on the phone. It's like, all right, Craig, I just sent them. Let me And the guy's on the phone It's like Alright Craig I just sent them Let me know when they arrive at the other side

And Craig's like alright sounds great All of a sudden he just hears the rattle And then a carriage full of just Dead bodies arrives on the other side Craig? Craig? Craig can you see them yet? Craig?

Craig? Now you'll need to give that old lady in the back of the carriage a hand-eye. She's got a real bad hip. You'll notice as a tree we brought some of the local orphans as well. They'll be there right at the front of the carriage, Craig. They're going to need some assistance. Their parents are actually waiting at the other side to pick them up. And in the middle row is a bunch of local war heroes who are just retiring

and just wanted to, it was their retirement wish to just see the new fantastic Crystal Palace pneumatic carriage. It's a highlight of my job, Craig. Getting to show these people this wonderful new technology. Craig? You there, Craig? If you can't remember any of that, it's a little confusing. Just ask the mayor, of course, who was with the conductor

right over the front. Oh, and I forgot to mention. One of the passengers was telling me he just figured out the cure to cancer and he was on his way to the patent office to tell the world. He said he was going to take the tube,

and I said, my friend, no need. Free of charge, the pneumatic railway. Half the time, twice the speed. Your secrets are safe with us. How's he doing, Craig? He's like, you must know that they're all dead. You're asking me so many questions about how they're all doing.

I just wanted to hear you say it, Craig. I just wanted to hear you say it craig i just want to hear you say it seeing you how we are it's either that or craig goes back to the start and the guy who invented the railway is standing there and he's like well i'm excited to hear did the skeleton tunnel work skeleton tunnel you knew yeah i thought we were taking the flesh off a human body no my wife was on that train you put alive humans in there what were you thinking it's a train of course i put humans in there he like looks up it's been there the whole time a big banner opening day skeleton tunnel when did you put that up how did no one see this i designed that thing to put dead cows in to strip the leather off them

the guy's like i mean if you're upset just send them back down you know that's not gonna fix it you know that's not gonna fix the problem they're gone the flesh won't come back. He was subjected to several rounds of grueling interviews. So, you must be Mr. Lazar. I'm the chief interviewer around here. Nice to meet you. Thanks for coming in. Very nice to meet you too, officer. Did I say you could f***ing talk back, son?

Well, no, but I... Of course... Sorry, sir. I'm just breaking your balls, son. You've done very well to make it to stage five of this grueling, grueling military interview scheme. Thank you very much. I'm excited for stage five and six and beyond. Did I say there was going to be another stage beyond this?

Do you think you're getting through this today? Sorry, officer. I mean, commander. What is your job? Officer? I am a lieutenant, son. Sorry, lieutenant. No, you did not imply that there be any stages past stage number five.

Sorry, I'm breaking your balls. I am also technically an officer, given that I'm the head interview officer here. Sorry, I get a little cranky first thing in the morning. I don't mean to be so. Anyway, the interview... It's 4 p.m., sir. Enough chit-chat. The interview starts now. Sir, this is stage one, sir?

That's right. Stages one through five were simply a test to see if you could handle the sheer raw power of stage one. I'm ready, Officer Lieutenant. Tell me, son. Yes. Yes. Yes. I was worse.

I apologize. Those are so strange noises you're making, son. Do you need a glass of water? Yes, please. Yes, please. Give me a second. Ah! Splash in your face.

You drink when we tell you to drink. Anyway, back to the interview. Let me give you a scenario, son. You're in charge of an F-14 fighter jet, and you have tangos coming in from west, south, east, and north. It's the only one left. You've got exactly 3% fuel left. What evasive maneuvers are you performing?

3% fuel in what evasive maneuvers are you performing uh three percent fuel in one one percent fuel of in what sir and what side of kind of machinery is the fuel available you were out of fuel you were officially out of fuel the first question has been has been can someone note that down it's been a failure failure. Okay, thanks, Mr. Lazar, for that answer. What kind of relationship do you have with your mother? Well, sir, she's a complicated woman, like that of any sort of woman, to be frank. Can someone write this down?

He fancies his mom. No, no, no, please. I insist you strike that from the record. You said she was hot or complicated or something? Well, the second, sure, I did say she was a complicated lady. Inspirational, I should have said. Inspirational. A driving force in the home life and an inspiration to me in my work. You want to be a freaking housewife?

Well, no, her dedication to her craft. And she wasn't a housewife, sir. She actually ran a law firm, and she was a very successful woman. Is that so? Is that so? Can someone write all this down? He seems to be... He's been talking for about five goddamn minutes about his mom.

You can't hear me doing those asides, can you, son? Well, you're sending several fetus away from me, sir. Don't listen to our top secret internal conversations. I have but one more scenario to throw at you. You are on the battlefields of planet Gashmergan. Your entire unit has been shot down. You are a POW with an alien rifle pressed to the back of your goddamn skull. They take one look at you and they say, give us...

So they speak English. Give us... Not exactly true. You have an alien translating device in your ear at this point. I'm not getting into the details. I wasn't aware some of this technology existed, sir. It doesn't. It doesn't.

They ask for the location of the President of the United States. Do you give it to them? I wasn't aware that these were considerations I'd have to take into this job, but sorry, the name of this planet? Hold up. What job are you interviewing for? Propulsion engineer for rockets. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. I am really sorry. Let me just check my notes. Oh, f***ing hell. You already passed the interview about three stages ago. Come on in, son. Well, what was... Wait, hang on a minute now. What was this for? Can someone uril. Oh, f***ing hell. You already passed the interview about three stages ago. Come on in, son. Well, what was... Wait, hang on a minute now.

What was this for? Can someone urilize this little f***er? Well, what was... Wipe his memories. Sorry, did you say... Take his clothes and burn them and wipe his f***ing memories. Gersh Morgan? Despite these impossible hoops to jump through,

he was officially invited to join the team. Have you ever been to Milan? I've never... Or Roma? Never in my life. Have you? I have been to both. Really? I've never or Roma? never in my life have you? I have been to both really?

by train? yes yes although I will attest look I don't want to be mean to the country the great country of Italy but someone opened the bathroom door

while I was trying to take a dump and the gentleman's pantalons were exposed to the elements. No one said that Italy's a bad place. No one's saying that. What are you about to say? But they did have to stop the train several times for the police to arrest thieves who were just wandering the carriages. Really? Robbing people.

Like robbing them in like a discreet little sexy way or like a gun? Me and my friends were in a carriage, which was pretty old style. It was like the double doors and you're in a Hogwarts Express style. Yeah. Harry Potter, I'll take the lot, please um style carriage uh and we were kind of take we're super exhausted so we're taking it in turns to kind of sleep and good thing we did taking it in turns to sleep because every 30 seconds a guy with a scar through his eye would just like press his face against the glass look, and borderline run his thumb against his neck saying,

you're next. And they kept having to stop the train. So it was a little bit threatening. But we eventually got to Milano, the most beautiful fashion city on earth. So, you know, can't be all bad. I love that you thought you were going to get this luxurious European train through the countryside,

and you basically got a train from f***ing Red Dead Redemption. There are cowboys out the window with bandana masks, lassoing strangers off of the train. Donkey Kong piano playing from nowhere. The conductor's like, here, you're going to need this, son. Hand you a loaded Smith & Wesson. They're about to come over them there hills. Aim and fire, boy.

Oh, you are Italian. And then whenever we, this is a side note, but whenever we got there, you know, I remember someone asking me, it's like, you know, what was the food like? Italian food. Famously beautiful. And I was like, yeah, man, we went to this one spot. It was awesome. You paid like pennies and you could just have as much soup as you want. It was like all these different types of soup and bread.

And then someone informed me that you were just at a homeless soup kitchen. Is that real? I don't know, man. In my mind, it was to this day, the first and last soup restaurant I've ever been to. It could have been a soup kitchen. I don't know, man. In my mind, it was, to this day, the first and last soup restaurant I've ever been to. It could have been a soup kitchen. I don't know. It was sick, man. They gave you free coats, some brochures on places to spend the night. You could throw pennies into this fountain and drink as much fountain water as you wanted. That was just a fountain.

You were just at the Trevi Fountain. just a fountain. You're just a treppy fountain. The lake is over 10,000 acres, and the visibility is recorded as being very low, so it is possible that a creature could easily hide there in the lake.

Okay, so 10,000 acres, I'm not a scientist, but... We know, we know by the way. I just want everyone to know because I don't want any undue expectations on me as a paranormal investigator that I'm supposed to know how shit works. But acres, I think that's big. 10,000 acres is very big for a lake. Yeah.

And visibility, again, not a scientist, but very low per. So, yeah. So it's murky and muddy. It's murky. It's muddy. Great place to hide. One problem, the recorded max depth of the lake is seven foot. There's no way.

There's no way. That makes it a little harder for an enormous sea beast to hide somewhere. You mean to tell me... It's a puddle. It's a large, dirty puddle. You mean to tell me that Sherman could a puddle. It's a large, dirty puddle. You mean to tell me that Sherman could have borderline stood up in the lake if he'd fallen in? They arguably didn't need a boat at all. Seven feet?

Are you seven foot? I don't think so, motherfucker. Little five foot one piece of shit over there. I'm sorry. That's an ocean to you, brother. Five foot one? How about add three inches to that measurement, motherfucker?

I'm five four. I thought you were talking about your dick. Because how about you add two and a half inches of hot sausage meat to that measurement, brother? You must know that's not a large penis because that thing is three

inches tall, but uh-oh, the most important thing is three centimeters wide, mother f***er. Oh, you want to see a sea snake? It's not a height work. You can't add your penis length to your height.

As the two brothers began to slowly paddle across the lake a crowd gathered nearby the shore some hoping to see that the demon truly didn't exist others hoping to see two dudes get wrecked by a water beast well they're sick because that's bad the two men reached the center of the lake, and still, nothing appeared. The onlookers from the shore couldn't believe it. All that tobacco wasted! One of the brothers cried out, There! Don't you see? There is no demon in the lake! We made it out here to the center without a gift, and nothing bad happened!

But as he preached from the boat boat storm clouds started to form above them Craig was a tobacco water in the lake began to churn Rocking the canoes from side to side Now if someone could come out with tobacco Everyone starts walking back to the town. No! No, please! The brothers had to hold on to their canoes just to try and stay above the water. But it was no use.

A huge wave formed and slammed into their boats, knocking them into the lake. When the storm had calmed and the water had settled, there was no sign of the men. Just two empty canoes floating lifelessly in the lake. Jeez. The next day, a scream was heard. Locals rushed down to the banks of the river to find the lifeless bodies of the two men. Their mouths, noses, and ears packed with white clay. White shit? Is there shit in their mouths? That is so f***ed up.

I mean, I mean, the disrespect. This is a demon. I'm convinced. Yeah, it's not. It's very, uh, it's making a statement isn't it if he's known for eating the bodies in every last bit he's trying to make a point

here their mouths piled up with steaming white clay oh god this guy does not want to be pushed about he really doesn't. I guess maybe it comes back to this thing of like a bit like the vegetable man or a bit like how you described as an alien trying to go about things the wrong way.

He's like acting as if he's the playable character CJ in Grand Theft Auto San Andreas. He's just like wandering into people's homes like, hello. They're like, ah! Their dad runs to get a shotgun. He like i mean no harm yeah yeah like you're not welcome in people's homes dude not in the middle of the night but he doesn't know that yeah he's like i don't want to frighten the humans i know i'll go into a little girl's bedroom at night hello child oh jesus people seem to be scared by my face i know i'll wear a black ski mask i want to show them i mean no harm in fact i'll protect them from danger look i have a chainsaw they think i'm not human i'll show them i'm just as human as them by vomiting blood look children my genitals i'm just like you

arrest that pedo he's crying you don't understand me i mean the funny thing is is the character that i have now invented in my head is like this lovable alien oh forest grest Gump of space. Is not the man that you just showed me a picture of. The man you just showed me a picture of will knife me in an alley for the f***ing coins in my pocket. Well, this is the problem. I just have to get this out of the way. As Rory says, are you in some way related

or do all people from Savannah, Georgia sign the same? Because you do sign incredibly like rory i have never met this this beautiful beautiful young gentleman in my life before as i said i was born in savannah georgia in 1932 that's cool you had to think about that for a second my my mother and father worked down at the local sugar factory before dying in an explosion i'm so sorry to hear that um not that i'm quizzing you but could you just repeat the year that you were born ever since then the hot sweet smell of cotton candy reminds me of my father's last words someone help. I'm on fire. Not exactly what I asked you, but

there is a delay. But it is good background information to give our audience a picture of the kind of gentleman we're dealing with. So thank you for that. It's an honor to have you on the show. I didn't catch your name, sir. My name's Kit. My name's Kit. Mr. Kit.

And your second name, sir sir my second name is uh greer mulvena nice to meet you what was your i didn't catch your last name mr kit gregor mulvena my last name is juke jackson specifically jackson right sorry i missed it first time ron thanks thanks it's also not it apologize. There is a delay. It's not Griggle. It's actually Greer. It's Kit Greer Mulvanna. Greer Mulvanna.

Yeah, close enough. All right, Roy, I think we can jump into today's case, potentially. All right. I'm very excited. I'm also seeing a different side to it now that I might be interested in going to see sometime. You boys finished up at the old Marshall house? Yeah, Duke. I'm just wrapping it up here with Kit. We're just finishing the kind of closing. All right. Well, there, I'm just wrapping it up here with Kit. We're just finishing

the kind of closing statement. Well, all right. Well, there's plenty more to see today, boys. So if you are ready, we can proceed. Thanks, Duke. Just curious,

what are you doing when you're not, when you're like just in the background not communicating with us on this call? Mr. Griggles, I don't know how they do things

in Northern Ireland, but over here in savannah we respect a man's privacy well that's cool it's just you've offered up a lot of information about yourself up to this point but that's cool if we want to shut it off at this just to kind of what you're up to right now if you must know i whittle small ornaments for Christmas trees and it is a working day sir you what them? you whittle them? I whittle I whittle

you don't need to repeat you don't need to repeat it I just don't know what that word means could you enlighten me to whittle that's right to whittle to whittle the wood. To whittle the wood.

Well, you really are a city boy if you don't know what a whittle is. A whittle is to whittle down a little bit of wood. Does that make things clear for you? Clear as f***ing mud. Clear as f***ing mud. I'm not a Yankee.

You know that. You know that. Just because I'm not from Savannah doesn't mean I'm from New York City. That doesn't make any sense. Let's move on. Let's move on, Juke. Let's go to our next location.

All these people never understood my dream. You, my father, my mother, never understood that a man should be able to whittle. I'm sorry, boys. I'm getting a little off track here. I feel like a fish in the forest I'm all turned around I used that metaphor earlier Duke

It's a good one I've been listening to you boys for a while You're a fan of the show is that right? Nope I don't really understand that Duke I think we're ready to go to the next location. But look, that story is merely one of the many theories

about what this light is and why it's appearing. There are others, some a little more scientific, and others even more paranormal. Whoa. Let's start with the science. One popular theory by scientists is that, sure, the railway is pretty close to a highway. I don't know if I mentioned that at the start.

You didn't. You refused to tell me what year it was, so you were being pretty scant with the details. Could the Gurdon lights possibly be from a car? Yes. But when they tested this theory at the actual site, they realized the angles were off.

The location that the lights were spotted in didn't match up with the highway. And even more damning, how could they explain the hundreds of reports of the Gurdon lights that outdated the construction

of the highway by decades? Okay. You're using cars to explain something that a medieval knight spotted it doesn't work buddy also did you hear this story you're getting very defensive where i where it said that this light went into a graveyard and was zipping about sure look i'm still on your side you know the lights is just watch it is all i'm saying because if you poke any more holes in this story, I'll straight up smoke your ass. I will roll up your cheeks, pack it tight,

and I will smoke your ass. So just be careful. It's fine. I'm on your side. I just wanted to qualify it by saying it is interesting that there's a lot of light sources all right near the f***ing garden lights but sure the angles don't add up or whatever you said i warned you at the start yeah i warned you at the start not to poke holes in the story i'm not trying to figure

it out i didn't you're the one who's presenting this as a scientific explanation for your case. I just remembered why I didn't pack my vape today. Because I'm smoking your ass. Stop saying that. You've never said... Is this a new phrase for you? You've never said this before. You've never deserved an ass smoking before. So that's what's happening. It sounds weird and it sounds weirdly sexual. So please... What is sexual about... it's at least too intimate about dragon don't finish that sentence your ass you done are you done sir i've just told you that it can't be explained okay so you you're the one presenting the scientific explanations do you want

to present your next scientific one and will i just stay quiet because i feel like if i so much open my mouth you're gonna say i'm poking holes in it only for you to smoke my ass through the hole i will give another scientific explanation and sure it could be that this is the cause of the garden lights but it could very much also not be the the cause so be careful which side you choose because one involves an ass smoking of a lifetime i'm'm going to be borderline choking on your ass. I don't know what that means. Another popular theory is one that we've talked about in previous episodes.

I believe it was the Will-O-Wisp episode, which was one of yours. It's a phenomenon where natural gas buildup in swamps essentially combusts, creating a light. Well, I don't know if that was the full explanation. Was it not? Will-O-Wisp and Onibi episodes of This Paranormal Life. I don't appreciate you poking holes in episodes that sure resulted in double no's,

but just be careful. I'm not saying anything. All right. I'm not saying anything. I will say Arkansas. Hold on to your ass. Okay, fine. I don't want to be too blunt, but your ass is a joint to me.

Your buns are going to be f***ing ashes soon. We're going to hear from more of 2022's best moments right after some words from today's sponsors. You do famously, now that I think about it, your house back in Northern Ireland, I think we've mentioned it on the podcast before, does have the door to nowhere, which is just- Why do you think I do a paranormal podcast, brother? Which is exactly what it sounds like, folks. It is a door in a kid's house.

It's at the front of the house, and it just opens up- We don't talk about the door. It just opens up to death you you you just open and you die well if you held one of the time crystals you would see the portal too so don't be so glib about the door to nowhere okay well first off i didn't know this is the first time you've ever mentioned anything about a time crystal and i don't see how that's relevant to the opening of a door because time doesn't mean gravity is off you fool don't laugh don't laugh like an anime character you really you really don't see how it all comes together do you no typical typical can I see the time crystal can you hold it up in front of the

camera all right let me i don't think i have one on me but like let me just let me just check because i might grunt it i don't want anyone else to get it so i sometimes do keep it on me well it seems kind of important so you should it should always be on you. You're in luck. I actually do have one. So I'm just going to show it to you very quickly. All right. On the camera. Pretty shiny and cool, don't you think? Let it be known, listeners of the podcast, Kit is holding up a toffee apple.

I don't know how old it is. I don't know. That's the last time I show you. All right, this is over. All right, bonus episode over. I can see a bite mark. You obviously know it's a toffee apple. No.

Not a gem or a crystal. The time crystal, sure, does taste sweet. It tastes of... So you do eat it. Sure, it tastes of... You do eat it. I lick it sometimes when I'm in need of a sweet treat. Don't.

You don't get to talk about the time crystal, okay? I'm starting to think your parents just gave you a toffee apple so you'd stop asking them about the door to nowhere. You don't actually know anything about the door to nowhere. Spoken like someone who's never taken the leap, okay? You've taken the leap? Yes, I took the leap. You remember when I broke my leg a couple of years back? Right, so the leap wasn't good. It just led you back to the floor. But you see things when you take the leap. The leap is very much metaphorical. Yes, I was expecting to go to another realm. Yes, I did crash, tumbling to the ground. But the things I saw when I was in my two-week coma, well, they were worth the leap. When you're in a hospital

bed, mangled legs, morphined up, you see some pretty weird stuff through the door to nowhere. You're actually starting to wrap your head around it and I appreciate that. Okay. And if you play your cards right, I'll let you lick the apple. You keep acknowledging the fact it is an apple. Crystal, I said. I checked the record. I said crystal. You absolutely didn't. And I know you didn't check the record because we're recording this right now. We haven't stopped recording this. So it doesn't exist yet. Shit.

Shit. Can you edit? I'll just say crystal a couple of times and you just slip it in there where I said, what did I say? Apple? Yeah. Or something crazy. So you do know what you said. All right.

Crystal. Crystal. Crystal. You're saying it's so weird crystal you're saying crystal crystal i'm saying it so weird you must know i'm saying it normal you must know i won't be able to slot it in if you say it like that. The sentence is going to be so bizarre. Fine, I'll give you a straight read. Don't worry, if you play your cards right, I'll let you lick the crystal. Oh my God.

We have to end the show here. This is problematic and worrying. Thank you. All right. Everyone follow me on Snapchat. I'm going to be licking the crystal and taking the leap

live every Wednesday until the doctor says I don't have enough calcium to heal. Join me on IG live. I'm going to be licking the apple. I meant crystal.

Murphy wasn't convinced for a second. He figured that with this many men in uniforms swarming the area, something big was underway. Also, you had all those people call into the radio station to go on the defense and say that nothing happened. That seems a little crazy. So Murphy hung around, trying to look casual,

leaning on his car with his hands in his pockets. Nice. He whistled nonchalantly when a pair of police officers passed him by disguising just how hard he was listening for news you can maybe do one of those sneaky detective things where it's like uh all right just uh just tell me tell me one thing you know at least tell me uh what color is the alien and they're like well i mean I couldn't disclose that information. It's like, it's funny. You didn't say there was an alien.

You know, there's a little tricky kind of word thing you can do there. Or a Columbo, you know, where you're like, oh, I don't want to see anything here. Just one more thing, chief. Why are there so many cars here if there's nothing that crashed? You know, you could do some sort of... They crack him down the back of the head with a bat. Out cold for three days. That's why Columbo never got involved in the paranormal.

He would have died in the first episode. I thought you were going to say some shit where he just hides his press badge, throws his tie over his shoulder, puts on a trench coat, and he just walks up to a police officer and is just like, Detective Murphy, just fill me in on what's going on here. Right. Yeah, pretend like you belong. Exactly.

Be like, hey, you know, I'm Jenkins here with the... I'm shadowing Jenkins 2 over there. Yeah. I'm here with the Department of LMAmafo uh here to party party rock every night or some shit and uh listen i i know we're talking i know we're telling all these i know we're telling all these shit eaters that there's nothing happening here but uh i can't believe they bought that anyway uh where do i go to see the beast he's wearing a leopard print waistcoat, his hair spiked up wearing giant glasses.

Or with the Department of Party Rockers down at LMAFO. You know, I don't suppose if you're free after this you'd come round to Party Rock in the house tonight. Just try it, man. Just try it. Another contractor came out

of the woodwork saying that he was hired to do some construction work at this base because he wasn't actually a military man he wasn't afraid of losing his job he snuck inside the hangar to get a look and was staggered by what he saw there in the middle of the cavernous room was a bell-shaped device feet high, with several men wearing white anti-radiation suits inspecting the object. Here we go! But before he could take any more in, he was seen. They yelled, Hey you! Get out of here!

As he was being marched off the premises, he couldn't help but ask about the object. The reply he received was curious. They said, about the object the reply he received was curious they said oh that you'll know soon enough it'll be common knowledge within the next couple of decades just how i expect military researchers to talk he's like trying to be coy he's like you'll find out son you'll find out there's like alien greys running in the background. It's like, I know what it is now. I don't need to find out in decades.

You'll find out. Whether it's this decade or next decade, you'll find the truth. As soon as the guy walks off, it's like, shoot him in the back of the f***ing head. If you see too much, kill him. Oh, can you strangle that guy? He saw the alien UFO. Look, I love this story because, well, look, it's super creepy. It's super interesting and bizarre. It sounds like the plot to a horror movie.

Like, genuinely, someone who creates this old gothic uh hospital claiming that they have a miracle cure and there's like shady stuff going on behind the scenes i feel like that is the basis for like a few different horror movies absolutely let me set the scene the the movie opens a reporter is checking into the hotel uh with the receptionist um yeah i've got my uh booking under this name um tell me sorry this is light thunder terrible weather we're having outside yes yes there is uh um it's under um the booking is under simon's um i was wondering do you have any patients undergoing the therapy right now? The controversial therapy? And then lightning flash.

What's the name of this guy again? Dr. Baker. Dr. Baker booms his voice from the top of the staircase. I suppose you'd like to know about the therapy. Whoa, I didn't see you there. Many come wanting to know about the therapy. But you can only know in time. Please join me in the dining room.

Yeah, yeah. Please, Jenkins, take his bags. Frankenstein picks up his bags. Yeah, Jenkins turns. He's got like stitching on the back of his head. You know, Jenkins was one of my first patients. His eyes are completely black you should have seen him before the operation he was a beast i don't know he was worse than that uh yeah it it tells itself you know and i think it's i think there's a movie

called uh the cure for wellness which is kind of similar where it's like oh someone who goes to check out a kind of hospital like this but they keep like poisoning him as he's there and so he thinks he's going insane but they're like no take your medicine and he's like no it's this like cool kind of freaky uh world let me show you a picture of this freaking thing and i'm gonna say the tagline to the movie is uh like it's like hotel baker once you check in you'll never want to check out oh that's pretty good or like hotel baker no more no more loafing around or something like a like a baker pun

it doesn't have to be that it could be your one your one was pretty good the bread thing yeah like a baker like bread so is that like a comedy movie or something no no dead serious incredibly serious like the baker hotel

that's the tagline no that's the name that's the name of it That's the tagline? No, that's the name. That's the name of it. And then the tagline is like, you're putting me under pressure here, man. It's okay. I mean, yeah, we can move on.

Where the dead rise like yeast. I don't know if like yeast would, I mean, I'm not like a movie executive. I don't know. But like, I would I'm not like a movie executive I don't know but like I would imagine they wouldn't want the tagline to end with yeast because yeast cooks

and rises so you could do like a fun thing there but we don't have to go with that one either it just feels like it's getting a little away from the whole

premise you know like tagline's supposed to like sum up the whole thing so like I don't know it could be like you know

it could be something like alluding to the charlatan himself could be like, Hotel Baker, the doctor is in. Nice. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's playing on like the doctor theme as well. Yeah.

Or something like Hotel Baker, you baguette-er run. Huh? Huh? Huh? You baguette-er run? You baguette-er run? You baguette-er run. Like a French baguette. Right, because of the...

You baguette-er run. Because of the bread. Or your toast. Okay. I think we need to move on. You baguette-er run. You need to leave this meeting. I try and get in on your joke.

It's like, Hotel Baker, don't croissant the doctor. That's my bit! You're like, what the f*** are you talking about? The British Museum houses more than 6,000 sets of human remains. Wow. Along with weapons used in battles, statues of demons and deities, mummified bodies.

That's a dangerous cocktail, I will say, because at least in, say, a medieval battlefield where thousands died, if those ghosts come to life at night, they at least get why they're there and they're surrounded by people from their time also in ghost form sure if you awake as a ghost in the british museum you are interacting going to battle with thousands of other men women and children from all over the

world from all different time periods that's a very confusing place to be it would be incredibly confusing you exit your your sarcophagus turn a corner and you're face to face with a viking who's just as pissed as you are because he doesn't know why he's here it's paranormal squid game you've brought all these contenders together to fight each other in the afterlife not to mention that a lot of this stuff didn't get to the museum through diplomatic means, if you know what I mean, Kit. I see what you're saying. They might not be too happy about where they've ended up. We have a Tokugawa era samurai waking up as a ghost for the first time going,

damn, I guess I was slain in battle after all all but at least i can fulfill my true destiny of dying in my home country and then a little shit school boy licking a giant lollipop from us from london walks by and goes i want that one daddy i want his armor buy me his armor. Buy me his armor, daddy. Yeah, there's a cruel irony in the people who deserve to have their death and their bodies remain undisturbed are the sweetest ganks of all time. You know, it's like these incredibly royal, jewel-dripping leaders of ancient civilizations that were given giant tombs to protect them from grave robbers. And because of that, they're the sweetest catch of all. Those are the ones that you want to take back. I mean, ironically, it would have been pretty sweet to just be a little dirty peasant.

Because no one, they're not hanging up your loincloth in the British Museum and say, this shit-eater used to farm pigs they don't care but if you are a royal if you if you are even a court jester to a medieval king they are dragging you by your clown shoes to the british museum and slapping you in a case basically like the toy collector from Toy Story 2, shining you up and putting you on display to the world. There's an immense irony.

Absolutely. I do love the idea of them putting peasant rags in the museum that in the year 3000, my shit-stained pair of ripped Calvin Klein boxer shorts will be on display in a museum somewhere as you can see this 21st century peasant uh appears to judging from dna analysis have shit himself from eating too many hot pockets on a night of gaming playing call of duty war zone uh really gives us a insight into the life of people 900 years ago my anime hoodies

on display in the museum we can learn a lot from this hoodie about uh the virgins of the 21st century all right my my ghost is just behind them all right that's an i know you can't hear me but that's enough i will haunt your children's nightmares and as part of this multimedia exhibit we actually have the google search history of this particular individual oh no no no how did you get that blow up sex doll uk uh blow up sex doll next day delivery you're like no that was shut it down that was for a book i was researching for a book if i could direct your attention again to the size of the penis okay i absolutely draw the line how does he still work here did you see that recent report of the the boat that was out at ocean and it was a a huge cargo

ship just filled with i believe porsches yeah and it caught fire and everyone had to evacuate it and a bunch of people on twitter were like it is sea law that now it's basically up for grabs and a bunch of lawyers had to be like, that's not, no, that's not how that works at all. Of course they still own it. Yeah, it's still owned by the company. You'd be trespassing if you went onto the ship. But yeah, a lot of people like myself just go into pirate mode. Yeah. These stories can be kind of amusing because very often these ships can contain just one or two things recently a cargo ship uh sank uh carrying i think like the uk's entire year's

supply of cooking books of like cookery books like jamie oliver recipe books and shit just like hundreds of thousands of cookery books oh man just like floating in the middle of the pacific ocean somewhere can you imagine being the pirate that loots that ship yeah they're probably not gonna be a pirate it would be like when you're a kid and you open a christmas present and it's like socks you're like oh for f**k's sake i just traveled halfway across the atlantic i killed like six dudes on the way down i opened a door and put my flintlock pistol to the back of a man's head and blew his brains out across the captain's wheel for a fucking Jamie Oliver cookbook. For a fucking gluten-free foolproof pancake recipe.

What the fuck am I going to do with that? I don't have a skillet on the seven seas. Why do you think I have scurvy? There's no vegetables. I'm starting to think right before i slit that guy's throat and he was trying to tell me there's only cookbooks on board he wasn't just trying to deter the pirates he was being honest whereas the pirate that loots the ship full of porsches hello oh my god imagine imagine docking up to the coast and riding your brand new convertible to the local tavern. Now that's baller.

You drank too much rum, you instantly wrap your 9-11 around the f***ing coconut tree. Pirates and Porsches, this is such a funny idea. Pirates and Porsches really sounds like either a rap track or like an iPhone game or something. Oh man. Now we have to write a rap

called Pirates and Porsches. Next verse to spot boys. All you want to crack is Captain want to crack it. My name is Captain John and I run a tight ship. I like the ocean breeze, the taste of rum on my lips. I play the drums, Michael plays the fluty. We go coast to coast just hunting for the booty.

Yeah, I'm searching for that booty just because they're trying to sue me. Cause I'm stealing all their wenches, got them acting like a floozy. We go port to port looking for some fun With my wooden peg leg and my fin block gun Sailing on the seven seas will save you from a drive-by If our cannon misses you, I'll take you in a knife fight Pirates in Porsche's Chasing that booty Gimme that lootie

Well, my name is Salty and I like my winches creamy Eat a box of lime so I don't get scurvy Ask me about the pirate's life, I'll tell you what's best Sippin' on private shot, I'll be the grossest Some rappers like a Lambo, others like the Prince of Horses With me and my crew, we be Pirates in Porsche You walk the plank, I'm at the bank Your ship needs rowers, I've got horsepower

Take it away, Tiny Pete Frank, I'm at the bank. Your ship needs rowers. I've got horsepower. Arr! Arr! Arr! Arr! Arr! Take it away, Tiny Pete. Yo, my name's Tiny Pete, and I look quite small, but I got more force than a cannonball. I'm talking at your port. Better lock up your daughters, cause if you cross me, you'll end up in Davy Jones' locker. Don't get any of that grum in me, 9-11, or I'll make you walk the plank! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Some of those that set courses are the same that drive Porsches! Before you can say the words Missouri Monster, a team of 25 men were blasting down the country roads lights and presumably rifles at the ready. Oh, do I sense a dad squad by any chance? I don't want to

put the words in anyone's mouth, but if I had to, the words would be dad squad. Oh, here we go. Play the theme tune. Yeah. Let's go. Don't know if there is one, but there is one now We're gonna make one Just for this Who's that coming up the hill Yeah don't be scared

It's the dad squad You can run but you can't hide Breaking the law to enforce the law Dad squad Just some dads with a couple of guns Keeping their community safe and fun Some are married, some are divorced And some of these dads don't have kids at all

Because you don't need kids to be a dad You don't have to have a penis or even be a man You just need Levi jeans and to be a little drunk, yeah It's the dad squad, it's the Dad Squad Vigilante justice in a pickup truck, yeah It's the Dad Squad, it's the Dad Squad Dad Squad Dad Squad

Captain Mantell and the other pilots looked out And indeed, there was an unfamiliar something hanging in the afternoon sky. Would you boys mind inspecting it for us before you come in? Copy that. Come on, boys. Let's move out. The jets ripped through the sky, peeling off in the direction of the object. Aviators on, Top Gun style. Sure. object aviators on top gun style sure i of course right now would love to play danger zone by kenny loggins but as to not breach any copyright laws i will instead play this royalty free song that i wrote called motorway to the risky area take it away boys the boys is you. You're the band.

Foot on the gas, jets ripping through the sky. Just a couple hot dudes trying something new tonight. Motorway to the risky area. Riding to the risky area. Riding to the risky area. Pig fighter jets, baseball, beer and guns. Boiled up abs, two guys making love Motorway to the risky area We'll take you right into the risky area

We're talking six foot beefcake dudes Taking friendship just as far as it can go And even further cause these dudes are pretty hot And I'm probably gonna take one of them home And have sex with them That was the worst music I've ever heard in my life. I do not endorse this. Frankly, terrible, lazy rendition.

I don't remember the original version being that homoerotic. Well, it's a sexy song. And flying a jet is like a sexy thing to do. So like all those lyrics, like oiling up your buddies. Wow. Gotta shirts off in the sun. That wasn't the original song.

You must know that. You gotta get it on. We're talking about men doing a very dangerous, lethal job. Yeah. A blowjob. Obviously not. I misinterpreted the original song, apparently.

Apparently? What movie did you watch? What movie did you watch? Top Gun. No! You should know it was called Top Gun.