This Paranormal Life - #345 Santa's EVIL Helper - Hans Trapp, The Christmas Scarecrow

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

When we think of Christmas, usually a few things come to mind - chestnuts roasting on an open fire, giving gifts to loved ones, and of course, Santa Claus. However, what if I told you there was a Christmas legend that's been forgotten over time? The legend of Hans Trapp, the devil-worshipping cannibal that appeared every year to devour naughty children... Time for Rory and Kit, two VERY naughty children to investigate.TPL MERCH STORE - https://www.thisparanormallife.com/storeFollow us on Twitter, Instagram, and YouTubeJoin our Secret Society Facebook CommunitySupport us on Patreon.com/ThisParanormalLife to get access to weekly bonus episodes!Buy Official TPL Merch! - thisparanormallife.com/storeIntro music by www.purple-planet.comEdited by Philip Shacklady Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If Christmas is the time for giving, what's the time for receiving? If you have to kiss underneath mistletoe, what plant do you have to f*** under? Jesus Christ. All of these questions you can find the answer to on This Paranormal Life! Good lord, man. Welcome everyone to This Paranormal Life, the comedy paranormal podcast where myself and Kit Greer-Malvena investigate a brand new paranormal tale, case, claim, or beast and come to a conclusion at the end as to whether or not it truly is paranormal. You know, the list that we do in the beginning, paranormal tale, claim, what do you say?

Ghost, beast. Didn't say that. Beast didn't used to be on there. If you listen back to the early podcast, Beast didn't used to be on there. Really? Until enough beasts kind of came along in our paranormal investigations. We were like, we got to rewrite the list. We had to start talking about them.

Right. We got to acknowledge this at some point. Every week we investigate a new beast, creature, monster, or beast. It comes down to a conclusion. Do we mention beasts? The world's full of beasts. Normally, every week we do one paranormal tale. There's too many beasts.

We've got to do a bumper episode, five beasts per episode for three months. We've got to knock out a bunch of beasts, honestly, because it's so overwhelming. God. Well, let me tell you, Kit, while we are kind of halfway through December, I'd be lying if I said that today's investigation wasn't a form of beast.

Because we're investigating a little Christmas character that is unrepresented, I think, in Christmas folklore throughout history. Because that's right. I believe when this episode is coming out, it is just about halfway through December. Things are getting festive. We are wearing Santa hats. We've got a Christmas tree in the office. You wouldn't know it was halfway

through December. It's boiling in here. I am so hot I could die. We had the heating on. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, what's the matter with you? Normally, we're the other way around. Normally, I'm shivering in the corner and you're like, it Yeah, what's the matter with you? Normally, we're the other way around. Normally, I'm shivering in the corner and you're like, it's fine. That's because listeners of the podcast

don't know that as soon as Christmas rolls around, Kit becomes Scrooge McF***ing Duck. No call for the fire. No, no. Working overtime. Yeah, and money doesn't make itself. I'm like, please, sir, can we turn on the heating? I can't feel my fingertips while I type these scripts.

And my voice goes real weird. I'm like, no. It's like I get a frog in my throat just once it hits December 1st. It really does. He becomes a crotchety old man. I hope my voice goes back to normal. I can't podcast like this. Sure.

Sure. I might not. I'm not a Grinch, okay? That's a beast that we're going to be investigating next week. Yeah. Does this make sense? Because you're American, that you are more of a Christmas guy than me. I love Christmas. I really do. It's one of my favorite times, especially to be in London. And this part of Christmas in particular is my favourite kind of midway through December because

people don't know this but when you're this close to Christmas it's too late for Santa to change the list alright I see where you're going with this

if you catch my drift it's not true it's not true it's been written up he made a list he checked it twice the shipping information has been provided

the toys have been made and I'm gonna be I'm going to become a bad boy for the rest of December. Rory's got the Every app open on his phone. All the parcels are registered. The delivery date is confirmed.

So he knows he can do whatever he wants. Rory, that is an urban legend in the Santa community. These days, Santa's up to date. He's got a borderline Apple Corporation production line going he can

cancel an order at the drop of a hat sorry so there's still time that he could move me to the naughty list yes I mean for Christ's sake man when we're recording this there's still quite a bit of December to go what did you have planned I pushed a child over in March was Was that too soon? I just wasn't going to tell him about it until next week. Yeah, well, I've done a few bad things, sure. Santa is omnipotent, right? Like, you can't hide a crime from him, I'm guessing.

A bit like Jesus. He doesn't see everything, though. Because I'm wondering, does he need character references? Like, is he phoning up your mum and dad? I've got gotta stop you right there by the way because there was at no point in the bible does it ever say that jesus sees all crime yeah that's that's not true because jesus was a man i think he knows i'm talking about god happens yeah but he can't he's not like a detective but i'm saying does santa need like character references is it like when you apply for a job

and you kind of write your letter to Santa and you give your mom and dad's phone number so he can call up? Well, they're a bit biased, actually. Yeah. You probably have to ring your school teacher or something. Like, listen, Sandra, Sandra, can I level with you? Rory's asking for a lot of shit this year. He's asking for a lot of shit.

And he's saying he's been good. We're talking Xbox original, Halo 2. You know, this time of year, good luck getting your even for santa good luck getting your hands on a copy of that that's a big ask and a lot of the really good kids want that stuff so i'm probably going to give it to them so you know so i'm going to need a glowing reference here or is it just he you know when he's packing his sack with rory's presents is he a bit like uh bran stark in Game of Thrones his eyes roll back

into his head and he can see everything Rory's done in a year I hope not go easy on me Santa there's still time for me to change screws changed in one night Rory's panicking right now he's like no you

can't see everything right I put it I put a sticker over my webcam he can't see everything bro for sure he can't see everything i wiped my browser history how's santa gonna see you know kit we're joking but uh it's true we are halfway through december i am feeling festive i am feeling christmassy and i know every year uh we do a few christmas themed episodes for example last year we did an entire episode on the dark side of Christmas. That's right. Where we talked about a few Christmas characters that people may not have

heard of before, including Krampus, who's probably the most popular of them all. The Yule Lads, Perfutar, also known as Father Whipper. He was a crowd favorite. but there was one individual that was basically so weird and so up that i think that even in this episode we said that we have to do a full-length investigation into this guy because his story is so insane i remember it well rory this was the legend of how christmas used to be a festival based on drinking reindeer piss. I don't think that was ever true. That is true. No, that would...

Did we not cover this in a previous Christmas special? No. This is the meaning of Christmas. It's done already. Definitely. I think the meaning of Christmas is like family or giving or love. Do you think it's reindeer piss? Drinking it specifically.

Right. The piss by itself is useless, pointless. The magic really sets in when you're on glass four. You know, we don't have a ton of time to get into it because it seems like you actually were planning on talking about something else. But Rory, you see, the reason we're wearing these lovely red and white hats, Santa Claus is red and white, because that is the coloration of the Amanita muscaria mushroom

native to Serbia in the frozen kind of wilderness. The reindeers eat them and then they piss out all the kind of crazy mushroom juice, which then people would have traditionally drunk at Christmas time and had a crazy trip. And that was the meaning of Christmas for a few thousand years. So I think the red and the white is because of Coca-Cola. Huh? I think it was originally red and green, and then the Coca-Cola adverts turned it red and white, and that's why it's red and white.

That seems like a pretty silly reason to color it. Not because of an ancient mushroom eaten by reindeers and pissed out into some sort of psychotic juice. Hey, don't be a Scrooge. Don't be a Grinch, all right? I'm trying to sit over here and celebrate the Christmas that I've come to know and love, and that is getting a cool eight-ounce jar of reindeer piss on Christmas Eve and just blasting off. Don't be a Grinch and drink up.

No, what we are investigating today is a little individual known as Hans Trapp, the Christmas Scarecrow. Ooh, now, we do a lot of podcasts. So as much as I was apparently there for that podcast recording where we discussed Hans Trapp, I don't remember that much. So you might, I think I'm on the same page as the listeners. I might need a refresher. I mean, I don't blame you for hearing the words

Hans Trapp, the Scarecrow Man, and not remembering that he has anything to do with Christmas. That's fair. I'm not blaming you for that. He sounds like a Batman villain. So it's all right that you don't remember he was in our Christmas episode. Yeah, I don't, you know, normally my brain goes to like cookies and milk and kind of an open fire, but sure, the Scarecrow Man, that's cool too. If you're involved in Christmas in any capacity, your name shouldn't have trap in it yeah that's a bad sign that's like saying oh have you ever heard of the christmas elf known as jigsaw

yeah he's like the way satan was a fallen angel jigsaw was a fallen elf he kind of he kind of got sick of making toys yeah when they call saint a fallen angel it's like let's ditch that i think he's lost the whole angel thing now right it's full on demon like it's kind of like you know if i was a postman for two weeks and then i became a serial killer at large for 35 years are they gonna keep they going to continue to call me, you know, the murdering postman? It's like, I think at some point your legacy shouldn't include that little footnote. Yeah. It's like getting divorced and calling yourself a fallen husband. It's like, you're just divorced, my guy. I'm actually a fallen father. My kids don't talk to me anymore.

And the wife took him. So today we're going to learn all about the legend of Han's Trap. Right after a quick word from today's sponsors. And a reminder, you can get every episode of This Paranormal Life ad-free on Patreon.com. Forward slash, This Paranormal Life. Like a lot of these more unusual Christmas characters, if you couldn't tell, Han's Trap has European origins and was a big part of the folklore in the French regions of Alsace and Lorraine. Now in these places, there's really three main characters that the people talk about.

First off, you got the classic, Saint Nicholas. He rewards children who have been good during the past year. Then you got Christkindl. Slightly different than Santa, this is an individual who officiates at Christmas and distributes gifts to children. Oh, interesting. Okay, kind of, you know, production assistant.

Yeah, doing a bit more of the admin. And then finally, you've got hans trap okay so he's known for a lot of different interesting reasons uh but if i had to pick one or any of them before you was there are any of them good are any of them good i don't know the guy personally i'm sure he has a lot of cool hobbies and shit. Maybe he plays guitar. We're not talking about his hobbies. We're talking about the things he does at Christmas. Maybe he collects antique coins.

Maybe. Sure. Likes improv comedy. I'm not sure. We'll assume he's a well-rounded person in his personal life. But what about his job at Christmas? So he eats children. Okay.

He does eat children. It's kind of his main thing. So. Okay. He does eat children. It's kind of his main thing. So, you know, like Christkindle kind of gives gifts. Hanstrap eats the bones of little ones. The spectrum of things that can happen to you as a child is so vast. Right. So vast on Christmas Day. Nothing this bad should be able to happen on the simultaneously

best day of the year yes when everyone should be partying and like eating food and getting presents there shouldn't also be a slight chance you might get eaten by a scarecrow i mean that's gonna be because that threat just puts like a little downer on the whole day even if you're pretty sure you're not gonna to be eaten by the scarecrow man. Because for the rest of your family, like that's going to be an awkward Christmas dinner. Right. Just like all this silence around the dinner table as they tuck into their turkey and stuffing. And there's like, really well cooked this year, father.

Like, yeah, Timmy would have liked it, wouldn't he? He would have. He would have. But let's not talk about him. Let's Hans come back. I will say beside his bizarre origin story and diet, the strangest part about him is his link to Christmas. Specifically, the fact that many people don't know this,

Hans Trapp allegedly worked with Santa to visit children all over the world. Right. This was like a buddy cop movie. They were, you know, they didn't get along, but goddammit, they'd be put on the same patrol and they had to share a squad car. Hey, it's the odd couples. It's the unusual partners. You know, you've got the guy who brings gifts to children all over the world. You also got the guy that eats kids all over the world.

Hey, everyone's got a f*** up sibling that they kind of have to put up with. For me, that's my older brother. For Rory, well, he's the f*** up sibling to his brother Colin. So we've all kind of been there. But why, really, why were they sharing that sled ride all around the world? We're going to find out, Kit. It's all part of this incredible legend. So where does the story begin?

Well, the legends say that Hans Trap, or Hans Trot, is an alternative name to the knight Hans von Trotha in local French legend. There's a few different versions of how the story goes, but essentially, Hans was well known for being a pretty evil guy. He was an individual obsessed with wealth and power, and would do anything that he could to amass it. Unfortunately, that thirst for power led him down a dangerous path, specifically the occult. That's right. Rumor began to spread that Hans was using dark magic, dealing with demons,

and even making arrangements with the devil to gain success and influence. This is a pattern we have seen in the past isn't it i'm trying to remember a sort of recent one there was a cryptid uh and it was a farmer who had been dabbling in the dark arts and then he became fused with like a donkey or something that's right yeah i remember that i don't quite remember the details of that one unfortunately but something we've seen before which is people let's face it making a wrong decision and we're not talking you know picking up smoking again after stopping for a few years we're talking signing your life away yeah for you know i don't know a lottery ticket because you don't really dabble in the dark arts you know

according to the guy upstairs you're either into it or you're not. It's kind of like saying you dabble in crack cocaine. You're kind of really into it or you don't do it at all. Yeah, it's kind of a switch that gets flicked, I would say. I kind of dabble with murder. It's like you're a murderer then. I dabble in human trafficking. Yeah, you're a criminal. If you dabble in crime, you're a criminal.

This is how it works. And it's the same what we're seeing here with, unfortunately, Hans Trapp. It's a slippery slope. However, it wasn't long before this occult activity was noticed. And there was one guy in particular that wasn't happy about it. The Pope. Before long, Hans was arrested and brought before the Vatican, where they accused him of his crimes.

Sir Hans Trapp, you are brought before us today as you have been accused of occult activity, demonology, and dark magic. Ah, in my defense, your honor, do I call you your honor? I don't know how to... Sir? The Pope? Silence! You do not speak to me at all, you black magician. Whoa! Well, look, I wasn't...

In my defense, because I don't have a lawyer here. I didn't realize it was going to be a whole thing. In my defense, I didn't know a lot of this shit was against the rules, you know? I mean, the Bible says... The didn't know a lot of this shit was against the rules, you know? I mean, the Bible's got a lot of rules in it, but is there a passage where they say you can't worship the dark lord? It's actually a pretty big part of the book, yes.

F***, it is, really? Listen, buddy, I know they're long books, but you gotta read them. You gotta read them. I mean, it's too late now. By the way, you don't need a lawyer because this isn't a trial you're just being executed what oh that's no good for me man because i'll tell you exactly where i'm going down i promised a lot of shit to the guy downstairs in the end the pope declared that he was immediately excommunicated from the church yeah i like that got lost in translation he got a little

excited there for a second you are being executed one of his advisors is in his ear no excommunicated right that's what i said excommunicated yeah i feel like probably around this time in history both of those were equally punishing right which is it is funny now right because there's definitely at least someone who's who who like committed some sort of crime i get papal crime against the pope and was excommunicated and they like didn't know what that word meant and he's like you are being excommunicated and they're like no no and then kind of nothing happens. And he's like, wait, I don't know. What does that mean? They're like, you can no longer be in the church.

And he's like, right, but I go to prison or something, right? And they're like, not really. You can kind of do whatever you want. You're just not allowed to go to church anymore. It's like, I can't go to any church? It's like, no, just ours. You can go to any other one you want. It's like, oh, okay.

So other religions will welcome me with open arms. Yes. But presumably someday I'm going to be like, executor? No, not really. Yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, this is the thing. If I got excommunicated from the church today,

it's not going to necessarily make a huge amount of difference in my day-to-day life. But around the time Hans Trapp was kicking about, we're about to find out how bad this really was. Right. When Hans Trapp returned home to France, he discovered that as part of the punishment, all his land, castles, and gold had been seized. Okay, well that is, that's more than just being kicked out of the church, isn't it?

They've taken your stuff. He'd also been shunned by all of the church, isn't it? They've taken your stuff. He'd also been shunned by all of the people in the town. Yeah, that'll happen. Everyone turns their back on you. That's how important and pivotal religion was in this society. Now, banished to the wilderness, stripped of his fortune, Trap was reduced to living in a shack in the mountains of Bavaria.

But instead of learning the error of his ways, he doubled down on his exploration of the dark arts. Yeah, this is why, you know, we've got to believe in, when we're talking about crime and punishment, we have to believe in a reformation, right? We've got to like, you know, sure, punish people, but we've got to be also like hey we are going to put some effort into making you not do this again giving you some kind of life because if we make your life bad enough you'll do it again it's almost guaranteed you'll do it again yeah you can't just put criminals in a situation where their only option is to crime again.

Yeah. Yeah. You know, if someone goes to prison for stealing and then once they finally go out of prison, it's like, here you go. You're free, but you can't have a job. You can't have a house. You can't do literally anything. They're like, cool. Well, I'm probably going to go back to stealing.

Yeah. Because it's the one thing I can do to get food. Ironically, that's the one thing we can't stop you from doing so we'll see you back here in six months hans traps raw anger combined with his devil worshiping eventually drove him mad although he did eventually lose the drive for revenge against those who had wronged him well that's good which is great forgive and forget all that jazz yeah unfortunately he had a new goal though uh and he was really working towards it okay hopefully it was like a fitness goal or something he wanted to eat human flesh okay he was craving it he wanted to taste it, and he became obsessed with the idea of eating humans.

Oh boy. In order to pull... This is insane. In order to pull this off, he started dressing as a scarecrow. As a way to hide from his victims. So he would stuff raggedy clothes with hay and straw and stand out in the woods waiting for travelers to pass by so he could attack them. You know, if I'm planning on dressing up as an inanimate object in a place with a lot of footfall, Scarecrow isn't in the top 50 objects because they live in f***ing fields. They live in fields of wheat far away from humans. If you're lucky, if you're incredibly lucky,

a single farmer will pass you by in a week. Yeah, you can't just be like, I don't know, down an alley and be standing there dressed as a scarecrow. Everyone's going to know you're not a real scarecrow. Eventually, though, he succeeded and he found a victim. A young shepherd boy was passing through the forest when he spotted a scarecrow by the roadside in front of him. Hmm.

Strange place for a scarecrow, the boy thought. Yes. There aren't any crops near here worth protecting. And God, it almost looks like it's breathing. You know, it's f***ed up that we're 30 seconds into this cannibalism story and I'm already starting to think like Hans. I'm like, young shepherd boy, cha-ching. This guy definitely has no family, works on his own.

If he goes missing, people are probably thinking he just walked off a cliff or something. You're kind of expecting him to not come back. Yeah, not really going to go looking for him. Probably a wolf got him while I was trying to get some sheep. He's a kid too, so just one conch and he's probably done. Yeah.

You know? It's a good place to start. Yeah. Because you don't want to start with the... You don't want to start with like a hunter. No. You know? A hunter who's like wrestling bears

and carrying them back to the village to eat. Way too hard. Yeah, what's the... Little shepherd boy to eat way too hard yeah what's the little shepherd boy boom one hit what's the way he dodges your first punch starts hitting you with a stick oh jesus shitty strong i'm just ah trying to nibble oh it goes viral on medieval social media it's like satanic cannibal tries to eat shepherd boy doesn't realize he's a black belt in jujitsu and it's just a just a mugshot of hands with a black eye it's on like streetfights.com a world star world star this little shepherd boy beating the shit out of a scarecrow was this justified

question mark question mark unfortunately that is not how it went down before the shepherd could put two and two together hans trap leapt forward he killed the shepherd and began dragging the body back to his shack but according to the legends before he could even take a single bite out of this kid, he was struck in the head by a bolt of lightning. What? Killing him instantly. Wow. I guess Jesus can see everything.

That's what people say. In the story, they claim that this bolt of lightning came down from God as a way to stop Hans from going any further. Too late, by the way. Was God in the middle of a Netflix binging session? He's like, mouth full of popcorn, glances over to his baby monitor with a live feed of earth. He's like, oh shit.

Yeah, God really hit snooze those first couple times he's like he's like what's hans up to he's drawing a pentagram in the woods he's fine snooze what's he he's dressed as a scarecrow he's fine snooze he looks over hans has now got a human in a giant cooking pot oh oh shit throws a lightning bolt immediately to kill him. Oh God, that is late. That's my bad. Yeah, it's just like, yeah. Hopefully that guy was already dead. Hopefully.

Jeez, oh man, I need to get it together. But did Hans Trapp really die? Since then, every Christmas, many parents in the French regions of Alsace and Lorraine have warned their kids that Hans Trapp's ghostly spirit returns every season in the form of a scarecrow, where he kidnaps kids and eats the naughty children. Right, you're saying he signed over his soul to the devil or whatever, and now he keeps coming back.

Exactly. Every christmas he comes back and i think it's kind of a bit of a it's become a bit of folklore and a bit of legend especially in these more rural areas a similar way if you see a comb on the floor in ireland don't pick it up because that is from the banshee and it's a trap if you're in bavaria and you see a scarecrow in a very strange place around Christmas time, don't go near it. Especially if you're a bad child. Right, yeah.

That seems like an interesting kind of twist in the logic of all this. So you're saying he specifically attacks bad children. Why does he care? He's a cannibal. I think it's kind of, this is where he becomes a little more entwined with the Christmas season and some of the other legends around monsters that eat bad children. Santa not giving presents to bad children. Okay.

Because in other versions of the story, Handstrap, as I said earlier, spent time accompanying Santa as sort of a right-hand man as a way for Santa to sort of scare the bad kids straight. So you're saying just that the threat

of only getting coal for Christmas wasn't doing it. Santa had to take matters into his own hands. Right. Recruited Hans Trapp. Yeah. Because look,

I've met some bad kids before. Yeah. You can take away the iPad. It's only going to make them worse. Right. You know? They grow more. They're like, you take away the iPad. It's only going to make them worse. Right. You know? They grow more. They're like, you take away the iPad, they start cackling like an anime villain looking at the ground.

They're like, I grew more powerful with every minute without iPad that passes. You got to up the threat. It's not enough to take away the toys. It's not enough to say, go to your room. You have to say, I brought a scarecrow with me. He's alive. Right. And if you keep crying, he's going to take you to a shack and eat you.

Yes. And then little Billy, oh, all of a sudden little Billy's going to bed on time. All of a sudden, little Billy's eating his fucking broccoli. Because I got a fucking scarecrow Chained up in the garage And if little Billy doesn't listen The lock comes off God Goodnight Billy

So it's really like parents back in the day I mean Every one of them was like the kind of Cartel negotiator from the Sicario movies Right It's like On Christmas Eve It's like, on Christmas Eve, it's like, either you're a good boy and the presents come

or you're a bad boy. And then he threatens them with like, or you're a bad boy and we have to do something quite different. And then he wraps a chain around his son and throws him off a cliff. And so it's like, no, I'll be good, I'll be good. He's like, what's that?

You'll be good. You know, picks him back up off the cliff. It's like, no, I'll be good, I'll be good. He's like, what's that? You'll be good. You know, picks him back up off the cliff. It's like, you got to really scare him. Now, I know this sounds insane, Kit, but it's not the first time that we've heard stories like this before. We mentioned it at the start of this podcast, but on last year's Christmas episode, we talked about Père Futard, also known as father whipper this was another

christmas legend of a frenchman oh yeah sure also ate a couple kids why are they all french why is it all french it's this is just a french thing there's all these f***ed up christmas tales uh it is very regional france germany bavaria this kind of corner of Europe. It does have a lot of, but this is also where a lot of like the Christmas legends and stories originated from. Right. Okay. I get that. I get that. And we just cherry picked all the nice ones and left Father Whipper in the past with all the other cannibals. Now, Father Whipper.

Yeah. Eight kids. Yeah, of course. Now, Father Whipper... Yeah, eight kids. Yeah, of course. But instead of being killed by a lightning bolt, he was actually visited by Santa, who condemned him to a life of slavery, working alongside him as he visits children across the world.

Not cool, Santa. Even Santa, even Saint Nicholas, is enslaving people? I guess it's, I don't know. I'm trying to figure out the logic here. Maybe Santa's like, you're bad to children. Yeah. So your punishment is joining me to be nice to children.

Right, so community service. And he's like, no, I don't want to. It's just the way you worded it. It's just the way you worded it. You said he enslaved him. He did. For eternity? He chained him to the sleigh.

Like a bulldog. Imagine you're a kid and you're all excited to see Santa flying through the air. And there's just a bloke, like in Mad Max, chained to the front of it. With a metal mask over his teeth. The kids are like, Rudolph? It's like, no, don't touch him kids don't touch the reindeer uh interestingly enough the story of hans trap is actually very loosely built around a real life guy i was worried that was the case go on the actual man hans von trotha was an actual knight from history who did also do some

pretty bad stuff allegedly okay but what you ask we're gonna find out kit right after a quick word from today's sponsors do i want to know all right we. And as I said, this is the part of the podcast where we get to reveal that Hans Trapp is actually kind of a real guy. I wish I was a knight. Why? I just think that would be nice, you know, to have a title. Would you get knighted if you were offered it here in the UK, in England? As an Irishman, Kit?

No, for that reason. But I would think about it. You know what I would do? Go on. I'd be like, yeah, I'd love to get knighted. Yeah, come on. Yeah, let's get knighted. Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, kiss the ring, sir. Kiss all the jewels and stuff. And then I take one knee. They put the sword on my shoulder and I grab the handle okay and swing it round cutting that guy in half like oh nope in star wars that's regicide brother what is that that sounds sick it's when you kill a king oh shit it's a crime well who's going to arrest me? I'm king now. Probably the Pope, to be honest. Okay.

Yeah, so Rory really went like one of those kind of embarrassing self-defense videos where someone's like, someone points a gun at you. You simply grab the barrel, twist it round, break his wrist, point it back at him. Yeah. Doesn't work at all in the real world. But to be fair, King Charles, you know,

he's pretty old and he's not going to be on his A game. He's got to be thinking about what he's having for dinner that night. He nights probably 12 people a f***ing day. I'm going to pretend

to get nicked by it when he puts it on his shoulder and I'm going to be like, oh, call an ambulance, call an ambulance. And then go, but not for me. And grab the sword.

360 spin like Link and freaking cut that guy in half like a block of cheese as we said hans von trotha was a real guy he was born in 1450 and he served as a knight entrusted with the watch of two castles. Unfortunately, one of those nearby castles contained a bunch of stuff that belonged to the monks in a nearby village, and they wanted it back. Hans refused to return the goods, and even went as far as to build a dam, cutting off the water supply to the monks' village.

I don't know why, but I'm already on Hans' side. These monks aren't annoying. I don't know why but i'm already on hans's side these monks aren't annoying i don't know you've taken all of their stuff they ask for it back you say no and cut off their water that's kind of a dick move when the monks ordered him to remove the dam hans said okay and tore the whole thing down at once, completely flooding the village. God damn it. Eventually, the monks and the abbot went to the Vatican, where they complained about Hans. So this is the part of the story that is true. The pope did summon Hans von Trotha to be questioned about his loyalty to the church.

But instead of going, he wrote the pope a letter questioning his loyalty to the church oh baller move that's not gonna end well is it that is not gonna end well because the the one thing i do know about the pope is he's never wrong that's kind of the whole deal yeah is he can't be wrong so if he's like he like, I don't think you're being faithful to the church. You can't go, I don't think you're being faithful to the church. Yeah. Because he kind of is the church. Yeah.

That's instant jail. Right. In the end, he was excommunicated just like in the legends. So as you can see, there's some parts of the story that are true. Some parts like him becoming a ghost scarecrow that don't necessarily have the evidence to back up the claims. But it's quite interesting because even when you hear the story of Hans, historians don't know how much of him being a bad person is true and how much of it was the rumors being spread about him when he was excommunicated from the church. Yeah.

You know how they say, like, you know, what do they say? History is told by the victors. Yeah. It's kind of this. He might have actually not been that bad a guy, but after he was excommunicated, all these, like, I heard he built a dam and flooded a village and starved monks. And it's like, did he really?

I don't know. Yeah. I mean, back then as well, you had no newspapers and no uh internet so you like you might have heard that he was excommunicated and that was why he wasn't there anymore and maybe then people's minds just ran wild with why was it i heard he was eating babies yeah blah blah yeah i heard he was worshipping the devil. That's why he was excommunicated. Yeah. This is how a lot of these legends get created. Now, let's say Handstrap the monster, the paranormal creature does exist. I thought we would spend a little bit of time here on the podcast, just giving people some advice and some tips on how to deal with him slash avoid him.

If you do find yourself in Germany, France, these regions of Bavaria. Don't be a shepherd boy, apparently. That's rule number one. Looking like a whole snack. The good news is, if you're a good kid or just a normal adult, you don't really have to be worried about Hans Trapp. Okay. As we know, he only really shows up at Christmas to steal mean children.

So let's just say, hypothetically, you're a naughty kid, like all of the kids that listen to TPL are. What should you be on the lookout for if you want to avoid an encounter with Hand's Trap? First, as we know, if you're wandering about in the woods or field and you come across a scarecrow in a suspicious location it's him right this isn't like you know maybe take some extra precautions let's just take out a knife from your sock right because he's about to strike it's not like it's like maybe go slightly left of the scare it's him throw a stone see if it startles it yeah it is him for sure him

don't approach don't go anywhere near because how many especially these days how often do you see scarecrows really i haven't i don't have you ever seen a scarecrow in your life not sure probably only uh a kind of disneyland style one maybe i went to like a petting zoo yeah and then they had one i feel like probably technology nowadays is at a depressing level where farmers are probably like, we have ultrasound cannons that burst crows' eardrums if they try and touch our potatoes. Yeah. It sucks. Farmers are shooting birds.

I kind of liked it when we drew a face on a pumpkin and put it in a shirt with hay to make it look like there was a guy out there i mean i will say i would be disappointed in birds in general if after all this time they hadn't figured out the ruse do you know what i mean so i wouldn't be surprised if they just stopped working at some point like some sometime around like the 50s birds just worked it out right yeah you'd be kind of embarrassing if you were a bird trying to get some seeds and you're just watching a scarecrow in a field and your buddy flies up and you and your buddy's like anything you're like he's still standing there yeah this is great this mother hasn't moved in two days they're like this is insane how are we supposed to get any seeds

yeah it's like isn't he hungry it's bro, he's in a field of seeds. He's not hungry. He's fine. It's us we need to be worried about. I don't think he's ever going to move. I don't think he's ever going to move. Now, other people say Hans still appears in his human form, which may sound like it should be less scary than the scarecrow form,

but the original guy, Hans von Trotha, was six feet seven inches. No, f*** off. No, he wasn't. You said this was 1451. Exactly. He was like twice the height of everyone else. He was a f***ing NBA player in the Middle Ages. No wonder they made him a knight. Yeah. He probably came out of his mother with a helmet on. Even if you had like a dodgy foot, you'd still have to be a knight just on stature alone. As you said, Kit, the original hands might have been a knight, but the one in the children's story is described as being thin, with a white beard, a dark pointed cap, and he carried a rod to hit children with all

right now that i know he's six seven i'm starting to understand how he got away with it for so long because i mean if someone hit my daughter with a stick i'd be furious i would be blind with rage i would try to kill that person with my bare hands. Wouldn't be able to, though, if they were 6'7". I wouldn't get very far. I am a child to them. They would hit me with the stick as well. Looney Tunes style, he could just hold out his hand,

and you'd be like, just swinging on it. Yeah, you're not going anywhere near that guy. Now, one interesting thing is, like a lot of these cool, old-school Bavarian Christmas characters, Handstrap is still a big part of local celebrations. For example, every December... Shouldn't be. Shouldn't be.

Well, he's an interesting guy, you know? And it makes it, like, kind of fun. Yeah, interesting in terms of like war criminals are like interesting to read about yeah on president's day you also don't celebrate like the the war criminals of the world right like the villains right not all presidents like oh it's president's day we're celebrating all the greats Like, oh, it's President's Day. We're celebrating all the greats.

Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Mussolini, Chairman Mao. You know, in the same way that a Christmas celebration in the UK or the US would also have the Grinch turn up. And they could be like, oh, here's the naughty Grinch. Here he comes. Don't let him steal. And he's like trying to steal the presents or something. You know, it's like a funny thing. Hans Trapp makes an appearance during the Christmas parade in Weissenburg. What's extra cool is this village is the actual village that Hans von Trapp flooded with his dam.

So he's kind of back. It's crazy that they celebrate that then. Crazy. I found a website where someone had attended the event a couple of years ago and gave out kind of a detailed bullet point structure of how the parade plays out. Right. So it starts with a collection of monks

parading down the street. Then fire jugglers, percussionists, performers, encapsulating the spirit of Christmas. Then, screaming is heard. Hans Trapp arrives on horseback like a dark rider. Behind him is a cage full of children crying for help oh my god real children they're actors they get hired to be the kids in the cage like they're actors really some of them are putting on a hell of a performance i'll give them that those are real tears yeah the mayor is talking

to the prime minister and he's like well you, you picked an incredible guy to play Hans Trapp this year. Prime minister's like, I thought you picked him. Who the f*** is this guy? He's drinking like chicken blood. Hans Trapp then runs into the crowd and starts interrogating children. But then soon, the atmosphere softens with the arrival of christ kindle and his light-hearted float the festival then ends with a beautiful firework display oh that's fine then yeah cool all the child murdering and stealing we'll just forget about that because there was a nice little

kind of after dinner mint at the end there with christ kindle maybe he comes up and like saves the day you know like uh unless he shoots hands in the head there's no saving that day unless he kills him once and for all it's like and then it ends on a high note where christ kindle drags hands out the back of the festival and shoots him in both legs uh just when you mentioned the Grinch, I just have to shout out, in case no one's seen it, just like that, tweet for the absolute ages

of the person who paid the Grinch £85 to destroy their house. Incredible. If you've never seen it, you've got to Google it. You've got to Google it. I guess the implication was there's a service

where you can, quote unquote, pay the Grinch to come and like visit your kids to make mischief yeah kind of turn the place upside down and it's a family showing a video of what happened and I think they go downstairs and whoever they paid the Grinch is even there you don't even see the Grinch it's the aftermath so what happened is they just paid someone 85 pounds to destroy their house. Just came in and just swept everything off every surface, smashed every window, smashed the TV. It's incredible.

It's incredible. Because I don't even know, you know, if you get taken to court for that, they're like, they literally paid me to do it. To cause mischief. They're like, they literally paid me to do it. To cause mischief. It's just because we were thinking about this because we were in town the other day doing some Christmas shopping and we saw that in Coleraine,

there's a Grinch experience. It's like behind these like wooden doors, you know, very often they'll be in the town centre at Christmas. They'll be like kids, Santa experience, whatever. But there's a Grinch experience. And so I was like, man. I'm worried that it's behind closed doors what is happening behind those doors you're like oh I wonder if it's gonna be like a little winter wonderland where the Grinch it dances

around and says funny words and it's just a guy in a Grinch outfit with a baseball bat to be like take off your shoes you're like oh you really are naughty mr grinch you really are he's got a butterfly knife and that ladies and gentlemen listeners to the podcast that is the story of hans trap the christmas scarecrow good lord i mean i guess i'll clap that one out but i mean why you know rory we went into this with the framing. Look, I love Christmas, but we went in with the framing that maybe you were slightly more of a Christmas lover than me, that I was being painted to be some kind of Grinch myself,

some kind of Scrooge McDuck of myself. Now I'm thinking I should be. Now I'm thinking I shouldn't be celebrating Christmas at all because I didn't realize what I was celebrating. I thought that it was all about getting your family together with a nice big two-liter jug of reindeer piss and just go into town. But you're telling me that we're, by celebrating Christmas, we're celebrating child eaters, person whippers, monk drowners.

This is the kind of conclusion we came to as well. Last year, when we did a whole episode on the dark side of christmas if you haven't heard it yet go back and listen to it it's a great episode the origins of christmas are very strange and complicated you know talking about the origin i mean it kind of came from uh saturnalia which we talked about wasn't't so much gift giving and family reunions. I think it was like a 14 day f*** fest. Yeah, you kept saying that. Where slaves became masters and everyone just banged and drank wine for 14 days.

It's kind of been watered down now, unfortunately, to the Christmas that we know now. Now, unfortunately, to the Christmas that we know now. But if you do look back at the origin of this holiday, there's a lot of weird, dark, creepy, stupid, mischievous and bizarre stuff like Han's Trap. Yeah, it is crazy, isn't it? How things get, as you say, watered down over the ages. You know, if we go back into our primal past, festivals and celebrations really always took on the characteristics of just one or two things. Yeah. I mean, really,

mostly it's food and drink. Yes. Kind of generally, humans, the whole point of our existence was like, look, finding food is tough for most of the time

we've been around. So most of the time we eat pretty lean. We're on that clean diet. And then once a year, we have a duane the rock johnson style cheat day and that's called christmas yeah um and we kind of just let it all go wild i mean apparently sure sex parties that's cool too but it's all pretty primal but then somewhere along the way as kind of culture and society has become more kind of, I don't know, symbolic and sanitized,

it's now become about just symbols. Yeah. Just the symbol of, you know, like we've replaced the 14-day f*** fest with lighting a candle to represent the spirit of the Lord. It's a travesty. It's a goddamn travesty. Eating a single mince pie

instead of gorging yourself with boars and apples until you vomit everywhere. Yeah, we've airbrushed history, folks. Right. You know, we've taken the little cherry bits that everyone wants, you know, all the nice little bits, and we've left all the dirt behind. I want to bring back the dirt. all the dirt behind i want to bring back the dirt imagine how many other holidays and celebrations we have through the year have these dark histories and bizarre origins we don't even know about you know we all know about the easter bunny is there an easter rat right we don't know there could be yeah we just left him behind. We left him in the past. Is there some kind of Thanksgiving demon that eats the souls of the vulnerable?

He doesn't give thanks at all. That's his whole thing. We just don't know. So, I mean, maybe we'll have to do this more here in this part of my life. We'll dive into the seedy underbelly of every nice thing. Valentine's Day? You don't want to get me started on that, brother. Yeah.

Nice thing. Valentine's Day? You don't want to get me started on that, brother. Yeah, this is what we're here for. Showing you guys the real dark history of these holidays. Merry Christmas, everyone. Try and enjoy it. Honestly, be pretty hard after what you just heard.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Of course, double no this week. Doesn't even need to be said. Handstrap the Christmas Scarecrow is definitely not real. You do not need to be said Hans Trapp the Christmas Scarecrow is definitely not real you do not need to be afraid kids be as naughty as you want no one's going to punish you yeah I don't know I mean if we're talking naughty

as in like eating all of your Christmas chocolate a bit early that's fine you should just steal shit I think I mentioned earlier Rory microwaving cats I would stop short of that

true what did you say steal shit God I mentioned earlier Rory microwaving cats. I would stop short of that. True. What did you say? Steal shit? God, no. Steal stuff if you want, kids. It's a little loophole. You can actually get anything you want for free. Five-finger discount, as they say.

Yeah, exactly. So thank you for joining us for this week's episode of This Paranormal Life. A strange one. A bit of a dark one. But you can't argue it wasn't a festive one it's so true rory i'm getting excited it is that time of the month uh we have only one more episode that's pre christmas next week that's true beyond which i think one is dropping on boxing day wow um and then we're into probably the new year.

So, God, I'll have to have a doozy lined up for the next one before Christmas. But, hey, we've got to get ourselves ready. We're having a great time. We're sitting here in the studio already wearing Santa hats. We've got the Christmas lights up. Thanks to you, Rory. If you want to see what the studio looks like, head on over to YouTube. Type in This Paranormal Life.

Check it out. That's a great shout. That's right. You can see the videos and great clips from the show on YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, all of our socials. Check it out. That's a great shout. That's right. You can see the videos and great clips from the show on YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, all of our socials. Check it out. It's the best way to keep in touch with this paranormal life. But if you're really enjoying the show, maybe you've listened to every episode. Maybe you've listened to every episode twice.

But you haven't listened to every episode while drinking reindeer piss. It's a completely different experience that I couldn't recommend more. I'm not advocating this. This is not something I think anyone should do. Here at This Paranormal Life, we advocate returning. Returning to tradition. Returning to history.

Returning to your ancient and primal instincts to drink that reindeer piss and voyage into the beyond. Be your own gift. How about that? Be your own gift this beyond. Be your own gift. How about that? Be your own gift this Christmas. Drink your own piss.

Live your soul to the max. Make your own juice this Christmas. Don't do that. Don't do any of that. What I was going to say was go on patreon.com

because we have bonus episodes. Right, okay. All these extra things. Yeah because we have bonus episodes. Right, okay. All these extra things. Yeah, well, that's true. So if you've listened to all the main feed episodes, you've listened to all 350

whatever episodes, you haven't listened to all of them because if you haven't been on Patreon, you haven't seen the, I don't know, 80 plus after parties, the 60, 70 plus bonus episodes that are on there.

So hundreds more episodes over there. Now, once you're done with those, we need to get you on the reindeer piss and get you back through the catalog. But, you know, I understand. Yeah, we need to do that first. This is a great time to join as well because our bonus episode this month

is our annual huge Q&A episode where Kit and I kick back, open up a 24 pack of Bud Light and just answer rapid-fire questions submitted by the community. So it's everything from our own paranormal stories to our favorite cryptids to what really happened down in Dublin

with the Gorilla Man. It gets pretty boozy, and it's very festive and fun. So if you want to check it out, patreon.com. Last year, we spent 36 harrowing minutes describing the details of Rory's divorce. Yeah, it was pretty dark. It was a bonding moment for us in the community, but I don't know if it was fun.

We might not try and repeat that, but if you want to hear that, please go back and enjoy that. There's a lot more development since then, let me tell you. Okay. Please don't ask about that, anyone. You know how Kit said that the Christmas feast is kind of like having a big cheat day? I can tell you about another cheat day. Yeah. Where Susan, she cheated quite a bit that dinner.

All right. Yeah. We did get it. I thought we got it out of our system last year. There's much more. There's much more that I, that's happened like in the years since. All right. Which I hadn't brought up though. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Can I come to yours for Christmas? Okay. All right. We've gone to the punch. Thank you so much everyone for listening to this week's episode

of This Paranormal Life. I hope you're having a great festive season and of course we'll be back next Tuesday with another paranormal tale. But not before we do a few shout outs

at the end of this episode. Because that's what we few shout outs at the end of this episode. Because that's what we love to do at the end of the episode is a couple of shout outs. Because on Patreon, that's one of the rewards. You can get a shout out at the end of the podcast, which is obviously what I was alluding to. That's what I was going to say. Because how could you forget? Because how could you forget?

How could I forget? So yeah. So here we go. So thank you to Parker Cunningham. You're going to want to invite Parker to your Christmas dinner because he makes a stunning ham. Oh. We're talking glazed. We're talking honey.

We're talking pig. Yeah, you're saying a lot of Exciting words It's still alive By the way It's not This isn't like Rotating on a spit yet He needs to kill it

And get it on the roast It's It can be fresh It's It is running around The kitchen right now Parker get it under control Parker

Come on man Thank you also to Cody Nelson Cody Nelson Cody Nelson Is cast in spells, son This guy's a street wizard Okay, what does that mean? He uses a gat

What? Like a gun He has a handgun Jesus What's magic about that? The way the bullets fly. All right, all right. Are you just rapping right now?

It does kind of sound like it. Cody Nelson, he's casting spells, son. If you hear the rat-a-tat-tat, you going to hell, son. Yeah, okay. You know, I will subscribe on Spotify. Street Wizard is a cool rap name, to be fair. And thank you, lastly, to James Hollingshead. James is the number one at the Christmas games.

We're talking charades. We're talking... Can't think of another game. Past the parcel. Sure. We're talking... What's the one where you... Monopoly or something?

What's the one where you can't, like, say what you're doing, but you have to, like, act it out? Charades? Yeah, that one as well. He's really good at the one where it's like, you know, if you're thinking of, like, a movie or something, you, like, do a gesture to be, like, two words. Like that game, that one as well, whatever that one is.

Charades. They all can't be charades. I've named, like, three games. What's the one where everyone has to guess the word, but you can't say it out loud? You're saying... Because James is wicked good at that one. He's nasty at it.

And you must be bad. You must be bad at it because you can't stop talking and you can't remember the name of it. You can't remember the word charades. He's the guy you want to have on your team. So if you see people picking sides at the dinner table, pair up with James. Thank you to James and thank you to everyone who supports us on Patreon. We couldn't make this show without you.

As I said before, and we'll say again now, thank you for joining for this week's episode. We'll be back next Tuesday with another paranormal tale. Ho, ho!