This Past Weekend - 10-16-17 | This Past Weekend #46

Episode Date: October 16, 2017

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Three. Come on, man. You've been living under a bad calendar? Man, thank you guys for being here with me this morning. Happy Monday, October 16th. I'm in New Orleans. Actually, I'm in Baton Rouge. I'm in New Orleans. Actually, I'm in Baton Rouge. I'm in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. And so if the audio sounds a little bit weird or loud or unloud or, you know, tanny,

sometimes they say that with audio. It sounds a little tanny, you know, a little reverb. I do not know. I don't know about all the uh different you know um specifics but i uh i'm in baton rouge louisiana man so i'm out here at my brother's house and i'm in the dining room and uh and this is where we're where we're doing the pod this weekend this week this this uh this week so happy monday hope you guys had a good one i was in new orleans for a wedding okay a fly-in friday into the big easy go to this place pascal's

manali right and it's a it's a place where you can get seafood and seafood you know what that is man it's different food out of the ocean or out of water it almost they say seafood some of the stuff they serve in louisiana easily could have been extradited from a ditch you know i mean they got some things like fuck if they catch a dog that can swim they'll grill that they will grill that thing up uh in some places in Louisiana. So the word sea, I think is, you know, that could be used or not used. Things in water or things from water, I think is more applicable. I mean, somebody will grill up a fucking spare tire if they find, you know, and call that seafood, you know. But we're at this place, Pascal's. you know, we hadn't even gotten to the hotel or motel

or wherever we're staying. My buddy and his, uh, I flew in, my buddy and his girlfriend flew in on the same flight. I'm dropping them off at their Airbnb and, uh, everybody's hungry. We stopped at this place. We order some food, right? We're sitting there chatting, suddenly somebody across the room starts choking or choking to death. I love, you know, that's the thing about choking. It's like, you know, people, it's either, I guess it's either you're choking or you're choking to death. There's not a lot of, you know, middle ground when it comes to choking. And this person was choking, I guess, to death. You know, we would take a while still to see. So at that time, they were just choking. I guess somebody has to die to be actually choking to death. Even though sometimes people are like,

I was choking to death, but they didn't die. Some of the people say I was choking to death. If you don't die, you weren't. You were just choking. But anyhow, whatever, this person is choking and they stand up and everybody's just like sitting down, like pretending somebody's not choking, maybe to death. And her husband, this guy, this, this, no, this lady's choking, you know, when she had kind of a, I't know if you ever seen napoleon dynamite but uncle rico you ever seen that dude his uncle who could throw the football over the mountain she had a haircut like his you know kind of a um kind of a haircut that had been blown blow dried way too long you ever see somebody their hair has been blow dried way too long and it seems just lightly, not crisped, but just, uh, it seems almost fried a little, a little bit, you know,

air fried, not fried by something wet, but fried just by air. It seemed her, her hair seemed kind of air fried. Anyhow, she's choking and her husband, I guess trying to help but he's just like massaging her shoulders and I'm like what the fuck dude and so I'm trying to make eye contact with him before I try to get over there and help because I don't know if this dude you know I don't know what their relationship's like maybe he's you know trying to kill his wife or something I don't know but I don't want to fuck up their whole, you know, whatever they're trying to do. Or he's, you know, if he's, if they're, maybe she's horrible to him and this is, you know, he, you know, planned ahead on this sandwich and this is, you know, the, the meal that's going to take her out. You know, maybe he can't afford a

cruise. You know, a lot of people take their spouse on a cruise and they push them overboard while they've been drinking. Maybe this guy's like, you know, I'm gonna save money on a $600 cruise ticket and just hit up this, you know, $14, you know, oyster po' boy here in New Orleans. Anyhow, so she's choking. This dude's like massaging her shoulders. So I'm, I'm like, I'm going to stay out of this because I don't want to ruin whatever money this dude is trying to make or whatever. And then the waiter comes in. Everybody else is just kind of chilling. I stand up, and I'm like, does anybody know what's going on over here?

And it's a small room we're in. There's only probably 13 people in the whole room, and there's about maybe 12 tables. And one of the tables is a five top so i mean this lady's like spitting and like i don't know if you've ever been choking or not but it's pretty intense have you ever been like choking choking possibly to death that shit is intense you know and your your face and your your your throat starts making all this extra saliva. You know, you start turning, your whole head turns into like a water slide. I mean, you start dripping out of your eyes and your nose and everything.

Because your, you know, your body's trying to lube your whole universe up. So you can get this, whatever's inside of you, so it'll pop out. And this lady's, I mean, dripping. She's like crying and there's, you know, grease coming out her pores, and like, you know, her ears are like saliva's just swirling out her ears and everything. I mean, she's, this lady's lubed up. I mean, you'd think she's ready for some type of gangbang if she wasn't choking possibly to death.

Man, I tell you, dude, this waiter comes over, and he straps on the Heimlich, bro over and he straps on the heimlich bro this start this dude straps on the heimlich and he was the skinniest waiter you know i'm not accusing anybody a different you know you know extracurricular activities but i've worked on the pizza line i used to work make make pizza with a guy on methamphetamines. And them boys can put in work, you know. And they don't weigh much. I mean, this dude had, this guy I worked with would wear a belt, but he would have to tie the belt, you know. And his waist was basically just a forearm with a spine in it, you know, and some organs and some lean organs.

I mean, this boy was lean. And so I've been around these fellas that's jacked up on them uppers. They call it high diving when you're on them uppers constantly because you're living at 60 feet. I mean, your world is just a bouncy board up there. Anything can happen. That fall can be fast. And this guy, this lean fella, starts doing Heimlich on this lady.

And this lady's a middleweight, light heavyweight maybe. She's like a Buster Douglas, if you will, if you want to use fighting terminology. She's sort of a Buster Douglas. And as he pulls on her, his whole body is coming up off of the ground. So this guy is Heimliching, this lean fella, dude. He's Heimliching her. It looked like a skeleton trying to fuck like a big animal. As he's pulling, his whole body is bucking on her, like, his feet are coming up

off the ground, his momentum, and she's just, I mean, this, and suddenly, there's just kind of, like, a, like a, like that, like, and just this big splash of, like, you know, whatever it was, And just this big splash of like, you know, whatever it was, whatever it jacked our system up, just kind of just flew. I mean, the liquid flew out of her eyes, nose, and mouth. You know, the trifecta. You know, I mean, it was artful almost. It was something you'd see at Disneyland around sunset when they do the big water display. And the water kind of jumps from one hole to the other.

And they're playing the music, you know, be our best, be our best, you know. And the music's, you know, everybody was kung fu fighting. And just the waters are jumping and landing in other holes. And it's like this perfect thing. It was like that, man. It hit the air and it was just like and just splashed. And then everything was done and it was over. And it was awkward, man. It was so awkward.

And I didn't know what to do. So I started a round of applause. Because otherwise, I'm thinking here. First of all, the lady lived. If somebody lives, hell yeah. Even if her husband had a plan, or he was caught up in the dark arts in his brain. He was thinking about murder. He'd been Googling stuff that was dangerous and would come back to haunt him.

On a Dateline episode whatever you know i mean i could see some you know fella thinking about taking his wife out via via sandwich that's an easy that's a 17 kill you know uh but this guy you know i got started this round of applause there's a round of applause going. And that kind of broke the awkwardness, man. And I've been there. Let me tell you, I have been there, okay? I've had reactions. If I have, and this is like, and I'll know now because I'm giving this secret out to people.

But if I have tuna fish and Gatorade, same just straight tuna out the can albacore you know none of the cheap shit but if I go albacore that white meat you know that front meat that that breast of the fish immediately uh if I have that with Gatorade my throat shuts down down. I mean, closes up. I remember being in a hotel in Chicago. I'm hitting myself with that Gatorade, that thirst quencher, and I'm popping off. I got one of them bags, them cold bags of tuna fish. Because sometimes they used to have for a while, and they may still have them. Because it's hard to get into a can of tuna.

I remember seeing a homeless guy beat open a can of tuna with an umbrella once in Santa Monica. And I'm like, fuck that dude. You know, that's, that's aggressive for some fish, you know, for some low key fish that's aggressive. So I know that I'm not that kind of guy. You know, I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not the guy that beats open a can of tuna with a weather prevention utensil. But when I mixed it, so for a while they had it in a bag, and it was just a bag you could seal tight. You would open it, and you could get to the tuna right there. Immediately, there's a tuna. It was kind of this metal pouch. Pouch, that's a better term than bag. So I was in my hotel room. I'm running late. I just hit the gym. I want to get, you know, electrolytes and get my protein in. So I hit up a 7-Eleven on the way

to my room, grabbed me a bag of that snack fish, that low key snack fish and a Gatorade. And the Gatorade, man, right when it hit my throat and I had the tuna in my mouth and throat my shit closed up locked so I'm in my hotel room and my shit is locking locking bro you ever see like on those movies where somebody attacks like a uh or somebody you know tries to I think like maybe Star Wars where somebody tries to get onto the space vessel and the doors start closing whenever they're finally are stealing it or whatever and the sliding doors are to start locking down

like whoosh, whoosh. It was like that. I mean, my throat started locking, locking. I mean, no entry. Dude, I am reaching down my own throat. I don't know if you ever reached down your throat for something. You know? I'm trying to think what I would compare it to.

First of all, never would I think I could get my hand down my throat. Until I have to. Dude, I was just trying to hold my throat open so I could get air in and out of it, man, my throat keeps locking, I try to call the phone, try to call the front desk, I can't, I'm like, go into the hall, right, into the hall, I have my toothbrush in my hand, because I'm trying to push that in my throat, and like, hold it to the side to hold my throat open. Go into the hall. There's a man, dude, a man.

I'm pretty sure. My eyes were watery. Could have been a, you know, I mean, it's Chicago. It could have been a lesbian. Could have been a hardy lesbian, you know, you know, a third degree lesbian. degree lesbian and and i am pulling on this person's pants just pulling on the front of their pants by their pockets like on my knees like basically motioning this toothbrush down my throat and at first i think the dude or the i think it's a man now pretty sure more i remember my memories getting stronger because i have one of those memories that gets stronger you know some people memory that gets weaker my memory gets stronger

so I'm pulling on this man's front pockets and everything and at first I think he thinks I'm in caught up in some you know on some cocaine and I'm probably doing some shit off a back page and I'm running some illegalities you know I'm probably in my room raising turtles, you know what I'm saying, bro, I'm probably in my room, you know, making homemade pesticides and eating fucking barbiturate soup up in my hotel room, you know, I'm probably making bathtub gin and fucking, you know, making towels out of, you know, a dead woman's hair or something, he probably thinks I'm caught up in something, Cause if you run out into the hallway and you're motioning the toothbrush down your throat, you know, that has a kind of like an oral sex kind of vibe to it. And you're crying and everything. Uh, but eventually this guy got what was going on, dude. And this man is holding a toothbrush

inside of my mouth to keep my throat open. And after about maybe 45 seconds of that, it passed. It passed, bro. And then this dude is like, I got to run and literally took off. Like, I don't know if he was like a, like a Clark Kent kind of dude that does this shit. You know, it was just wandering around looking for people to help. But he helped me and took off. Could not even get his information. Could not even get his information, man. Fuck, I could barely get his gender or sexuality. So, but, so that's what happened.

Right when I got to New Orleans, somebody was choking to death or possibly to death. And, you know, and they didn't. And then they sat and they finished eating. They had dessert. They had other things. Snacks, you know, and they didn't. And then they sat and they finished eating. They had dessert. They had other things. Snacks, you know. And I kept trying to catch the husband's face. He seemed, I mean, what was he going to do?

Massage her shoulders as she died? Which would be so awkward. You're dying. Somebody's giving you like a nice massage. Ah, interesting. But outside of that, I went to a, what else did I do? I went to a wedding here in New Orleans. That was cool. You know, we did the second line. I don't know if you've ever done the second line thing. I put it up on my Instagram this weekend on the video. And a second line is where they hire, you hire some adult men and it's usually about 85% of the men that do it are African American or black.

They play the big instruments, and they play the jazz music as you walk down the street. Your whole wedding party gets in the street, and the bride has the umbrella or the man, if you like a gay man, and you are the fancier. man and you were the you know the fancier you know if you're the glass slipper of the crew then you you to one hold the the umbrella and you get out there and you roll down the street your whole wedding party is behind you and they have these uh little white um like little kerchiefs and you just shaking that kerchief around like you're surrendering honestly looks like a bunch of people surrendering but having fun at the same time looks like a bunch of alcoholics kind of surrendering so we did that at the wedding and the wedding took place in an old swingers den um the wedding was a the wedding took place in this old swingers place where swingers used to do

you know sex i guess and adult activities and swing in L.A. there's some pretty intense swinger parties. I've heard about them, you know, and I've actually been invited to some, and I haven't gone yet because I'm not going because my back's pretty hairy and I'm not taking a hairy back to a damn swingers event. I just do not have that kind of confidence. You know, and my butt gets kind of hairy too, and I'm not taking a hairy ass into a swingers thing so I need to get probably you know waxed up and maybe do some um you know some uh some different leg exercises and some reverse

leg curls and stuff before I'm gonna go to a swingers thing but I wouldn't mind checking it out sometime one time I was in Lake of the Ozarks Missouri and that is swinger country you know that's a good place to taste another man's wife or, you know, to, you know, really spray out on some, you know, local spouse that's not yours, you know, or to be wild. And we went there, me and this man, this other man, we went there, we were just comedians, you know, we just show up and we're supposed to stay at Lake of the Ozarks for one night. So we check into the hotel because we're doing a comedy show there. So we check in at the hotel we always stay at, right?

And he's the feature. I'm the headliner. We're not together. We're just friends. Fucking honestly, me and this dude didn't even know each other. We just know we're both comedians. And we both drove down from the airport in Columbia, Missouri. We get there.

We get to the front desk. The guy at the front desk goes, are you guys girls only boys only or boys and girls only? And I'm thinking, well, what the fuck is the third option for? Like, you know, first of all, like what's going on, you know, but then I'm like, what's the third, what is the third option even? And then we realized that it's a swingers convention is taken over the hotel for the weekend. And it's a beautiful little resort hotel. It's right on the water. You know, it's a nice place to probably, you know, be by yourself or, you know, I guess be with somebody else's spouse or whatever. But then we start seeing people just bringing in all these little, you know, at, at hotels and

motels, they got the trolleys where you put all your goods on them. You wheel them up to your room, you know, and a lot of, you know, a lot of people bring their own food and everything. And these people were bringing everything, dude. I mean, you would see like a, like a, like a, like a, uh, everything was from, you know, Costco or one of those, everything was Kirkland, like Kirkland brand, you know, that big, like bulk Kirkland brand, you know, Rice Krispies, Kirkland brand lubricant, Kirkland brand, like pool toys, you know, they had everything. And these people, none of them to me were visually appealing, right? They weren't appealing to me.

But it was swingers, right? And then you saw they had this one lady was bringing in the black guy. And you could tell he was the fucking hammer, you know? You could tell this dude was flying. He might have gotten paid to come here and perform. You know, he was that dark dagger. You know, that air meat. You know, there was that dark dagger, you know, that air, that air, that air meat, you know, that there was FedExing around the fucking country, probably to come in and just

satisfy the regional, you know, that regional coot, you feel me, so this dude's hitting the airways and probably just, you know, just straight up drilling, drilling, drilling in different areas around the country. He's popping off, you know, he's sprouting out, you know, he's rooting down in some local, you know, local wives. I mean, you could already see like these guys probably had posters, you know, that all the white, the white men were gonna be like, go get them black guy, you know, like Terrence forever, you know, shit like that. Because this dude was about to pop off on some local wives. And but you had people bust, you know, just people with wheat thins and all kinds of big snacks.

And I'll tell you this, man, I wasn't into it at all until I'm not even joking till I saw the wheat thins. I love wheat thins, man. I don't know who did wheat thins or pringles but they they fucking killed it now those are kind of snacks that would make me want to be at a swingers thing you know if you find me i don't i'll find me you know i don't care who i land in if they got a bowl of wheat thins or pringles next to their orifice or, you know, a little side tray next to the body, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude. You know what I'm saying? Put some floaties on daddy's dick because I'm going in.

You feel me? Because I will perform if there is a side item of wheat thins or a Pringles. You know, that's a feast. That's a feast for me and my libido. That keeps me up. But anyway, this place, they're like, oh, well, if you guys aren't here with the conference, then you can't be here with the Swingers Convention. And we're like, well, what the fuck? You know, like we have to be here.

You know, there was just a mistake. They booked us at the wrong place. But I'm also like, what the fuck still does girls and boys only? Like that's not even, I guess that means you're open for whatever. I guess it does mean something actually. But anyhow, everybody gets a bracelet. He said, you can't have a bracelet. You can't participate in any activities.

But if you want to come down and watch the bingo night, you can. We're like, whatever. We're just going to be here for one night. So we go to our comedy show. We have a couple of beers at the place, at the bar, the comedy spot. We get back to the hotel, and we're like, dude, we got to see, you know, we got to go over the mountain. You know, to see what he could see because that's what the bear did. You know, sometimes you got to be out there.

You got to be a baby bear. You know, sometimes if you smell honey, you can't just sit on your hands. If you smell honey, you can't sit on your hands. Because you're not going to get anything. You're not going to get any sweetener in your mouth. If you're just sitting on your paws, are you? Sometimes you got to stand up and open your mouth and follow your nose at the same time. If you want to land your face in some of that fucking local sweetener.

So we got up, you know, and we start walking around and peeking downstairs. And downstairs, they are doing the biggest game of, what is it with the red and the blue and the yellow? It's like the handprint and foot and you spin the dial. Jesus. You know what I'm talking about. They're doing the biggest game of that i've ever seen there's like 40 boards hooked together there's like in the middle there's 19 people who are no

longer playing the game accurately right there's an old person spinning there's one woman who is still playing the game right still playing like you know, right hand B or whatever it is, or right hand green. And then there's 19 people in the middle just, I mean, I don't even know what to say they were doing. I don't know if they were. Some of it was sex. It was in the very middle, there was something vibrating in there that was just going off. And that could have been the hammer. You know, that could have been the dark artist down there. You know, that could have been, you know, D'Andro or whoever they had brought the hammer.

You know, that guy could have been just DeWalt. You know, that could have been DeWalt or Stahl, you know, or Black and Dicker. Whoever it was, that fellow was popping off down there. You could just, and that's where the heat was coming out of and everybody else was just riding off the vibes. And there was a lot of just puffy adults, a lot of seniors, a lot of people in their sixties and, you know, and even seventies, you know, a lot of, um, a lot of that, you know, Tampa cleavage, where you see a lot of women have that tan right in the middle of their breasts, but it looks like they're probably

going to get cancer there, you know, kind of that San Andreas fault, you know, the, you can kind of see that they had a lot of some gold chains, you know, a lot of bad gold, a lot of bad local gold. And then, so then we, we, we, we peak and then we scoot, right? We opened the elevator. We're thinking we're going to go up the elevator, man. That thing was just a, a vertical fuck trolley. That elevator was stacked, smelled like, oh man, somebody smelled like somebody had left Chinese food in their trunk overnight. I don't know if you've ever done that or not. Because it's kind of still got a little bit of a sweet smell to it,

but you know that if you eat it, it'll upset your stomach. It'll make your knees weak if you eat any of it. And that was the smell that was inside of that elevator at that swingers convention that we were not supposed to be at in the first place. But hey, that's one of the gifts of the industry. That's one of the gifts of comedy, you know, to end up in environments like that. But here we are. We are here in whatever day it is, man. I'm going to get into some calls because I got to go to sleep in a little bit. Because I got to catch a plane in about, let me see. In eight hours, I'll be on a plane back to Los Angeles out of New Orleans. So I'm going to catch that drive.

But I had a great weekend. Spent it in Louisiana. Got to see my beautiful nieces and nephews today. Got to see my mother. Haven't seen my mother in about a year. So that was really nice. She has a husband that got Alzheimer's. So, you know, he's always talking

about the war and different wars. And so if I see him, I always kind of reference, you know, I'll say welcome back from battle or some shit like that. Stuff that makes him feel good and makes everybody feel good. So that's something that I like to do sometimes, you know,

just make them feel like a part of, you know, like they gave them, y'all gave them hell, you know, or, you know, stuff like that. So pretty, pretty interesting though. I had a good time and went to my niece's soccer game briefly and then just play with the kids on a trampoline. So it was pretty joyous, man. I got, I got nieces and nephews all, you know, from age one to, uh, nine. So it's just, man, you get to see how kids are and, uh, and they were all happy today. So that really lifted my spirits up 150%, you know, and no future swingers. I don't think none of them seem like they might get caught up in all of that, you know, but we'll see. All right, man, let me tell you guys, uh, what future swingers. I don't think none of them seem like they might get caught up in all of that. You know, but we'll see. All right, man.

Let me tell you guys what's going on. I got a new tour shirt. You can check it out at theovon.com slash store. It's a tour. It's got all the dates from this past year. It's pretty sweet. So go there, grab that, support the podcast. You can also support us on Patreon where you can catch extra footage and extra episodes. And that is P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com slash Theo Vaughn. And that link will be in the YouTube

info part right there. Please subscribe if you're listening, if you're subscribing, if you're not subscribing, hit up the subscription. Become a part of. And if you got any advice or guidance, constructive criticisms, you can always let me know. Become a part of. And if you got any advice or guidance, constructive criticisms, you can always let me know. Become a part of the podcast. We're shooting a new pilot for Comedy Central. So also if you live in California and you have some issues that are going on with feeling emasculated in any way, or you feel like something that's going on in present-day society is testing your manhood, hit us up on the hotline, 985-664-9503. We're looking for some people to be a part of that.

But no fake shit, no bullshit. Keep it real, man. Keep it 100. All right, let's tap into a couple of calls here. Thank you guys for being a part of things. Let's take it here. Hello, Theo. let's take it here hello Theo man I'm just watching your appearances on the church

those are two of the funniest fucking podcasts I've ever seen in my life I think I've watched them like ten times already fucking incredible but uh oh wait hold on just a second man that guy called in, but I got...

That call was so long, I edited it down a little bit. Let's take it right here. Here we go. Hello, Theo. It's pretty interesting hearing your perspective on white privilege. I grew up in a town of 500 North Idaho. 500 North Idaho. That is pretty white. i know there's a lot of mining up there they're probably just mining even looking for anyone that is not white like you have to dig pretty deep uh thank you for calling onward um so i kind of get what you're saying it's it's

kind of a hard topic to get into because I think white privilege does exist yeah no doubt I mean it definitely exists I'm just saying that uh that in my life I didn't get to sign up for it I wish they'd passed around the sign-up sheet because uh it was it was not a part of of of my life onward but you know when I was on a dirt road you know fucking my dad was a logger just white trash as fuck you know people are sharing roadkill or whatever they shot that hunting season and logger that's tree person i don't know if some people think logger is somebody that's you know you know taking dumps or whatever all over but loggers somebody captures trees and i respect loggers but also at the same time pretty easy job you know if you're a logger you're hunting

you're hunting trees dude that's easy you know first of all how hard is it think about it dude i could think right now if i really thought about, I could tell you where there's probably about 80 trees. I could even probably draw them for you and draw you a sketch of them, an outline, sheet of information. So not that tough of a job, but I respect it. Onward. Yeah, I had like seven people in my class. One girl, she was a goddamn squash, too.

That girl was six foot when she was 10 ready to fuck some cock man whoa okay you got a local uh you got a real cock squash in your locality huh let's hear more about this wild girl wild girl she did it too somebody had to you know keep the neighborhood happy, keep the boys from stabbing each other. Big Carrie did it. Big Care Bear. Sickness, squishness, good stuff. Anyway, I'm super stoned, but thanks for the podcast. All right. I appreciate the call, man. Yeah. You know, you had a girl named Big Carrie that was taking on sex locally to keep the neighborhood happy and to keep things at bay. period there's some gal who's taking one for the team and sometimes taking the team for one you know who is you know who's just you know comes into their sexuality you know at a point maybe

others aren't and really just pops off and makes it happen for everybody locally and i remember um catching up with a couple of those gals at different places we had a gal in our neighborhood it was a swim team she was big on swim team and she had shoulders like a damn, I mean, just like a two-legged bison, brother. I mean, she just had shoulders like a damn, like a fucking five, four French bulldog, man. I mean, she had shoulders like a, I mean, just like a damn, just like somebody in a wheelchair who lived up a hill. You know what I'm saying? She had shoulders like that. And she used to set off a bunch of nuts.

She was always setting people's nuts off, setting off the men's nuts locally and kind of taking one for the team at a certain age. So I think we should have a time sometimes when we respect those types of people. You know, because, you know because because you know they need sometimes you need that you know sometimes you need to take that edge off as a group as a neighborhood and maybe that's what these swingers were doing you know I'm sitting here judging these people and I would judge and I judged them at the time but I mean if to be 50 or 60 and you know and not and be pale and to say you know what what, I'm going to take these thighs out down into the Ozarks.

I'm going to take these thighs out there and set them and warm them up. I'm going to get these capillaries going and get the blood flow going. That's pretty brave, actually. It's a lot braver than some of the stuff that I'm doing. So maybe I can actually learn when I think back on some of these things instead of, you know, maybe this is where I'm learning, where I'm learning not to really, you know, judge these swingers, you know, but that sometimes an area, a specific area needs to just, you know, needs to let out. And that there's gals out there like Big Kerry that you just mentioned, sir. And that there's just groups getting together just to pop off, you know,

just to blow seed and just, you know, feel that vibe. Praise God, man. Let's hear a little bit more. All right. Hey, what's up, Theo, man? Long time listener here. My name's Davey and I'm out of Kansas City Davey thanks for calling man I lived next door when I was growing up to a boy named Crazy

Davey and he um he uh used to invite that one of the neighbors over this other boy named Pug and then he would hide on the roof when Pug was walking over across the street and he would shoot him with pellet guns. But that was, you know, just people, you know, kids being kids, I guess. But that was Crazy Davey. And he was very, very, very lean and liked to punch, punch at stuff and punch at people. And I remember him doing sex in the woods locally.

Anyhow, onward. I know you guys may have some preconceptions about Kansas City, but it ain't that bad. But I remember you saying something about calling, about what it means to be a man. And for me, I'm a little confused because I look around at all my friends and everybody on the internet And you know what the average male is looking for

They're looking for a woman They're looking for a woman to get involved with and then marry. And you know what, Theo? I just got, I got, I got no aspirations of that, bro. Wow. I appreciate you sharing, man. I want to hear a little bit more about this. Let's continue.

I just, you know, I don't want to say it's an asexual type thing, but it's definitely a thing to where, you know, getting laid and getting a girlfriend is not my top priority. I mean, in fact, it's pretty far down on the list. I'd rather, you know, go home and go to work and just have a good day and play some music. And, you know, I just kind of wanted to weigh in on that and hear what your thoughts might be. And maybe there's other ones out there who just really don't put getting laid on their top priority. You know, I appreciate this call, man. I really do.

This is something that's been on my mind and my heart even recently and even on my groin and loins. And that is asexuality, you know. It's asexuality. And I also want to say, I don't know if you were doing an impersonation, but you do a good impersonation mildly of that scientist that's in the wheelchair, the famous wheelchair scientist. I'm not sure what his name is.

I don't know. He's that black hole. He's that David Blaine of space. You know what I'm talking about, that little fella in the wheelchair. Beautiful man. But anyhow, I've felt like this, man. I've felt like this before. When all these people are chasing this leg and out there,

I've felt times where it's like, am I doing this just because it's something that I'm supposed to do? Do I really even care? What really is my drive? Like what really is my desire? You know, am I just being sidetracked? Because sometimes I would find that I'm chasing women, not even because, and oftentimes I would find, I don't even say sometimes, oftentimes I would find I'm chasing women just because it's a habit, not even because I'm trying to look for the perfect lady, you know, or that, you know, that I'm searching for love. You know, I'd find sometimes it would just be this habit that I fell into that I guess maybe it was my environment or my peers.

I'd listen to other people in there. I don't know if it's conquest, but just, of course, you want to feel attractive to women. But there are times where I'm like, is this really what I want? Like, do I really have any, because sex a lot of times just bores me, man, I just think it's so boring sometimes, you know, you're just banging your bodies into each other, just bang, bang, bang, you know, bang, you know, here comes a crazy, here comes a crazy pump right here, bang, and it's not even that much joy you know it's just like yeah it's just you know if it's not like one of you blows up at a certain point and just

confetti flies out of you you know and you you win or you defeat them you know or one you know it's not like i think if there were some prize or something, you know, like if you bang somebody enough, like a trophy, like, you know, popped out of their ass or something crazy, I think that would be more. Or if there was an old, you know, some guy who never graduated high school, you know, smoking cigarettes and chewing on his last two teeth, you know, who gave you a prize, like a big stuffed animal or a fish with emphysema or something, you know. I think if they had something like that that you would find more joy in it but otherwise i have trouble finding joy in that sometimes you know and maybe it is maybe these days we're becoming more asexual i mean we don't need it to survive that much for sure you know it used to be you needed a child to help out you know you need a child to collect wood or get berries. You know, you can't make a pie without berries.

Where's the fucking berries? You know, so you have a son. You know, you got little Carl or Clark or whatever your son's name is, and he's out there getting them fucking fruits. You know, so you can, you know, cover him. You cover him in the distance with a rifle or an archery piece. You know, you're doing your thing. You're being the leader.

But now do you need a kid, you know? Do our joys come from humans anymore? Maybe that's part of it, bro. I appreciate this call because I love this thought. I love this question. Where do our joys come from? Is it even other people? You know, I mean, we definitely lock ourselves away for sure. You know, I mean, we find like, it's definitely, we've become separatists, you know, it's like,

and it's not good for you. I mean, it's definitely not good for you as a human. Now as a robot, it's probably great for us, you know, but yeah, it's like, what else? Like, are we so addicted to, I mean, things are fucking addictive. That's the thing. I think I would love probably spending more time with people if I wasn't so addicted to some of this other stuff. You know, I get addicted to the, dude, I watched a show on Netflix two weeks ago. Next thing you know, it's 11 days later and I've watched 12 episodes.

And I'm like, what the hell just happened? It's like you're in a show coma and you're just going through episode to episode. It's just some of it's so addictive. It's so shot in such great quality and some of the content is so good. You can get addicted pretty easy. So I could see how sexuality, oh, who needs that? You know, I just get, you know, I got nine 4k episodes of, of Ozark. Oh, I feel like my brain just came for a month. I'm good. I don't need another human. So I think that's something you have to fight if you really want

it, but it, maybe it's not for everybody. And for everybody. And I also don't think it is for everyone. I think you have a little misconception there in the thing that everybody's out there looking for somebody. I think these days, a lot of us are out there. And though we may be looking for somebody, I think somewhere in our mind, we're also wondering, do we really want somebody? Or do we really need somebody? Or are we just under this old tradition that has us looking because we feel like that's what we're supposed to do? You know, we're at a really, it's a weird generation right now.

It's a weird generation, but I appreciate the call. All right, let's crack into something else here. Here we go. What's up, Theo? This is McKenzie from Mechanicsburg, Ohio. Hey, McKenzie from Mechanicsburg. I can't remember if you called before, and I don't know if I played this call,

but let's go. I was just wondering, I know you have a problem with pornography. I believe I also have a problem because I've been with my girlfriend for about two years now. Probably only had sex 10 to 20 times. And I think it might be because of pornography.

I tried to put it on. I went a week. But then I come back to the bench and just jack off like five times in one day at a time. Wow. So this gentleman from Virginia, and that's Virginia's for lovers, bro, but from Virginia is saying that he's been married for about two years, is it married or just girlfriend, but they've only had sex about 10 to 20 times, you know, and then sometimes you go in these fits where you jacking off, you spraying out, you know what I'm saying, you petting the dragon, and that dude's firing off,

you know, blowing skittles out into the universe. You busting them straight up galactic shots, boy. Your dick's having a straight up DNA asthma attack, boy. Spraying out, killing local invisible fires with that splash. You know what's good. Sometimes you go on these fits. Because masturbation is dangerous. If masturbation were a person You know what I'm saying?

If masturbation were a person, he would be wearing a dark, dirty cape with dirt on the bottom of the cape and dirt around the top, around that brim, that brim dirt. And he would be saying nasty stuff to you and wanting you to come over under his roof. You know, wanting you to come up under his cape and just be nasty. So you got to watch out. You got to watch out for masturbation, man.

And you just set some kind of regards for yourself. You know, some type of barriers. You know, if you got to tape your arms down at night. Or you need to get heavier sheets. But you might need to do something, you know. Or get a neck brace, get a weighted neck brace and wear that while you rest. But if you popping off constantly on the internet, I'm telling you, it's a dirty, addictive behavior. And I'm, if you now,

and people constantly will do, will second guess me on this. This shit is killing man, bro. Okay. Think about it. What if they had a soup and they're like, oh, this soup is fucking amazing, but it's also killing you. Would you eat that soup every night? But that's what you're doing. If you hopped up on these pornographers, you know, if you hopped up on these local high definition, you know, buttholes and everything, you know, in these splashy crotches, then that's what you're into. So you need to get it together. That's all I'm saying. Cause the pornography is dangerous. It is dangerous. It's a dirty road. It is a dirty slope. And I'll be damned if you're going to be able to, you know, wear white shoes and do it at the same

time. And you know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry you're having that trouble because I've been right there. I've been in the depths of it. I'm two days clean right now off that jerk. I'm happy about it. It's tough. It's tough, dude. We're talking tonight

about the asexuality and about the group sex and the tag team and the summer slamming that puss. You feel me? Like these people out in Lake of the Ozarks are doing, these swingers. And if you are a swinger, I want you to hit that hotline, 985-664-9503. I'd love to know a little bit more about what that universe is like. But I'll say this to you, buddy, and I appreciate you calling, is that I wouldn't evaluate it on the number of times you guys have sex. I don't think that matters that much. I really don't. Because I've had relationships in my life where I had some decent sex when I was young. And I've always thought that sober sex is for children.

Sober sex is for children. You know, sober sex is for children. It is best served for two people under the age of 18, you know, consensually together. But, you know, I don't think it matters that much. If there's love there and you guys are connection, that's what matters. Cause you're coming up on the future of your life. You know what I'm saying, man? That fucking going to die out. That fucking is going to die out, dude. If you went off the interstate somewhere and you walked into the woods and you looked around, I bet you'd find a lot of people's libidos, a lot of married couples, their fuck history is just milling out there in the middle of nowhere. Because that's tossed aside at a certain point. I think you keep some sensuality, yeah.

But that's not what it's about. At a certain point, it's about a connection. It's about moving forward. It's about having a family and those sorts of things. To me, man, at my age and at my time in life, I mean, I've been through some young trim, you know. I've been caught up. You know, I've been caught up in some of that, you know, some of that soft wallet out there. But the thing that keeps me and gets me the most these days is that warm hug from somebody that I love.

Somebody that cares about me. And that's what makes me feel the most. So I wouldn't be hard on yourself. If that's what's going on in your relationship, I wouldn't be hard on yourself. You know, and if you're doing jerking off though, I would find some ways to curb it because I think that, I think that you think it's not helping you and there are groups you can join online. No fap. You can check that out. You know, there's a lot of books about it. There's audio tapes and stuff you can listen to. You know, you can go to SAA, Sexual Addicts Anonymous.

There's groups. You can get a sponsor. I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but, you know, at 9.30 p.m. when you're about to spray down, you know, when you're about to just, you know, clean your sink again, you can call up a dude you barely even know and tell him to talk you off of that lotion ledge. And those men are out there. All right, let's take another call here. What's going on, Theo? This is Alex calling from Medellin, Colombia. Ooh, Colombia, boy. I am glad I was not born in Colombia, you know, even though my father's Nicaraguan, you know, and I'm Polish Nicaraguan. If I grew up in Colombia, you know, even though my father's from Nicaraguan, you know, and I'm Polish Nicaraguan. If I grew up in Colombia and I've said this before, I would have got an eight ball for

my 10th birthday and I never would have seen 11 boy. I'd have been a couple of grams deep. Did I've been eating balloons and hiding fucking slices of cake in my ass boy onward. I was wondering what your thoughts were on relationships while traveling. I pretty much travel for a living, different countries, and it seems like I'm always just cycling through females, but still wanting that relationship bond. And I was wondering how you juggle stuff like that. Thanks for everything and keep it up. Bye. Um, you know, checking out the local flavor, you know, if you feel me, uh, but, uh, and I would always be angry at myself. I'd be like, man, you know, you, you want to settle down, but you, you know, you keep

fucking up and doing this or not fucking up, but you keep being out there, you know, sharing yourself with trollops, you know, and, uh, and, you know, dazzling around with these fucking little, uh, you know, these little fucking glitter bandits, you know these little fucking glitter bandits you know and people that you know chicks has just already got their toothbrush in their purse and they're just trying to you know meet a man somewhere late at night at a holiday inn or a day's inn and just jerk them off you know and you already you know you're caught up in some of this you know and some of you'd find a little bit of love here and there but a lot of it was just lust you know a lot of it was just libido fireworks and snap crackers you know a lot of it was just lust. You know, a lot of it was just libido, fireworks and snap crackers. You know, a lot of it was just a lot of that. So it weren't really,

you know, you weren't really getting some, but I would be hard on myself. I'd be like, man, you keep, you know, I thought you're trying to find somebody. I would always be hard on myself. So I just say this, man, if you're going to be on the road, it's going to be really tough. It's going to be tough, not only for you, but it's going to be tough for whoever you meet. So in the meantime, I think, you know, just date if you're able to do that, you know, just date, you know, if you get into somebody, I don't know if I get it too serious because it's going to be hard and you're going to, you could easily end up hurting their feelings and hurting your own. And I guess, I mean, I'm just saying that for me man I mean in the past I was not able to do it you know I get on a relationship or get you know caught up some lady you start holding hands and

watching a favorite television show and next thing you know you know you don't mind if she got a few whiskers or whatever and that's where you start feeling some love but then you're out on the road and you still find yourself, you know, um, you know, trying to talk to the lady that work at the, uh, save a center, you know, or checking groceries at the whole foods, you know, even though she's skinny and her body's a little bit lopsided, cause maybe she got a hip issue, some dysplasia, but you still find yourself flirting over by the oranges. And you know, it's just, you, you could put a lot of pressure on yourself.

So for me, I could never do it, man. I was always lying and I was always on the run. And I feel bad about it a lot of times. For me, I just couldn't do it. I would get myself caught up. So if you can do it, man, more power to you. I think it just takes a strong man, you know, and it takes a brave woman and vice versa, you know, because they're home alone a lot and they're susceptible to meet

somebody. So for me, if I could go back in time and do some of those things over, I would probably just stay in more of a dating environment, you know, and as I've gotten older, that kind of stuff's gotten a little bit easier to deal with because I'm more of an adult. But when I was younger, man, that shit was – I mean, that was hell, boy. That was straight hell. But, look, I appreciate you guys calling, man. I hate to jump off early tonight, but I think I got to. I think I got to, dude.

Let's hit maybe one more call here. One more call here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. Connor calling in here. Here we go. Hey, Theo. Connor calling in here from Louisiana. What's up, Connor? I'm in Louisiana right now, man. Onward.

I was just calling in with a little problem that I have. It's something, a pattern that I've noticed that I partake in, or have partaken in over the years when it comes to women. Mm-hmm. Is I will be really interested in a girl, and let's say she begins to start showing interest in me. Okay, you're interested, she shows interest, onward. And there's this weird thing that I do where when she begins to show interest in me,

then I begin to lose interest in her. Could be a little bit of homosexuality, maybe, but let's go here. And let's say we go on a date or whatnot and like i'll end up when she starts showing like initiative i end up getting really turned off and i don't know what it is and this happened with a girl a few months ago i went out with her and we went and uh did some you know did a few things i don't want to give too many details but we went out probably talking about drugs or or actually could be talking about laser tag or something. Sorry.

Onward. On a little date. And I went okay. And she hit me up to hang back out with her later on. And I just kind of self-sabotaged. I don't know why. And I kind of just stopped showing much interest in her. Stopped answering her text messages.

And then she kind of just went quiet after that. Alright, sorry. We had an audio issue there. The battery's fucking shit the farm or whatever. Jesus, I'm in my brother's living room. I hope I'm not keeping him up. I hope one of the kids isn't awake. They're sleeping right above this floor. If they're hearing this,

dude. Onward. Well, about a few weeks after that, I started thinking to myself, shit, I fucked up. That was a really pretty girl that I went to school with and we have a lot in common. Why did I do that? Well, the other day I saw her out with another guy that I know and it just really made me feel like shit because, you know, kind of pains of regret.

Like, why did I sabotage that fucking situation? I have no idea. I was thinking maybe you could, you know, shed some light on the situation as to why I seem to, like, A, be turned off when a girl starts showing interest in me, and B, why do I have this tendency to self-sabotage my relationships, even if it's somebody that I think I might like?

All right, I appreciate the call, man. You know what? I can relate to some of these behaviors. I can relate to some of these behaviors because it seems like you are just going to the next thing. Once a girl shows interest, that means it's a girl that you can get, that you are able to get. So then you're out looking for something next.

So that means either you are, yeah, you're self-sabotaging. You're not able to make yourself happy. And so it seemed like maybe you're not looking to make yourself happy, you know? And so it seemed like you, maybe you're not looking for the right things, you know? You're probably not even able to see what some of these women are really like if you're able to move that quickly from one to the next, you know? And this is just from experience, man. You know, I've missed out on some decent ladies in my life because the second that they were interested, you know, or wanted to catch a

little bit of this root that I would, uh, I just leave them in the forest. You know, I moved right along. There's something sometimes that's once somebody's into us, we're no longer into them, you know? And I think sometimes you'll, sometimes you'll just keep going through this until you find that a situation that's equal, you know, but I think it would be nice to maybe give yourself a chance to see what it's like if you stayed in it, if you just stayed in some of that. Let me listen to the end of your call one more time so I can see if I can relate anymore.

We have a lot in common. Why did I do that? Well, the other day I saw her out with another guy that I know, and it just really made me feel like shit. Yeah, it's just like you want everything. You know, it's not like you want it all. You know, you want to, you just want it all.

And look, man, I was there, dude. I'd be at a party, and we'd get the beer, and then once we had the beer, we needed to be at a, we'd just get to a party, and if the party was good, I'd be like,

oh, there's gotta be a better party going on. What do you mean there's a better, we fucking live in a small area. We were lucky to have any party. There weren't no better party. What, I think somebody gots a cannon or somebody doing like fucking mule rides. Or they got free cocaine out there. I was always thinking there was something better and always wanted more there

always had to be oh if this oh then this you know oh we got a van oh then we should get a water slide you know oh we got a water slide we should get a fucking um we should get a you know a damn uh grenade you know it was always you had to grenade, you know, it was always, you had to, there was something that I needed something better every time. It was nothing was ever enough. Nothing was ever enough. There was never any, Oh, I'm just happy to have this. So maybe some of that's it, man. And then of course you're going to feel bad because your brain's telling you, you want everything. Your brain's telling you, oh, you got to have everything. You know, you should have this.

You should have that. Oh, she likes you. Oh, there's got to be somebody else that likes you. You know, it sounds like your brain is taking control of you. So it might be nice to find some ways to try and battle that brain. You know, find some gratitude. You know, I make a gratitude list, man. I probably do it five days a week.

And it just reminds me to be a little bit more. It slows my brain down a little to be a little bit more grateful for what's actually in front of me or at least think about it. It can be simple things. I'm grateful for so-and-so and a reason why. That's what I write. I'm grateful for Diana, you know, because she, you know, she stopped by my work the other day and brought me a snack. You know, when she does that, it makes me feel like somebody cares about me. Like gay shit like that, man, but it also makes me feel good.

You know, when that kind of stuff happens, you just got to remind yourself. So you got to remind yourself, I think, of things that are, you know, a little bit of gratitude because that can slow you down. And then you're not constantly thinking of what else can I have? Because you're, you'll have a little bit more appreciation for things you do have. Now, with that said, you also might be homosexual. You know, you might be into cutting up some of that male butt. You know, you might be thinking of some of that, um, that man, you know, that man back, you know, he might be thinking of just, you know, being deep into another man and just kissing his spine at the same time. You know, I don't know. There also could be some of that. So if you want to investigate, maybe, you know, and I'm not saying you need to be with another man, but if there's a friend you have who is open to at least

just lying next to each other, you know, in swimming trunks or in, you know, some loose-fitting jeans, something like that, and just seeing what it feels like if even the sides of y'all's arms or sides of y'all's legs

are next to each other. And I would take that in a slow measure, but if the side of your arm feels okay next to him, then touch your leg against his leg. I'm not saying anything crazy. I'm not saying genitalia, but I'm just saying, you know, feel that vibe out. Cause I mean, you might have that homosexual activity going through your blood and you might want to, that might be your, something you're into. Cause in the meantime, you'll find women forever. You know, of course, it's not this

woman. It's not this woman. It's not this woman. It's not any of the women because your libido might be hunting for a man, you know, hunting for that, you know, more like chromosome, you know, something, you know, somebody whose body mirrors your own, and that's going to be probably a male body. So that could be it, man. So that would be the two things I would try maybe to see what's going on. I would try to be more gracious, you know, for what's going on, people you're meeting, you know, and I do that by having a gratitude list, or I would try a homosexuality and see if that fits you, you know, that might be your glass slipper, but we've talked a lot about it tonight, man. You know, we've talked a lot about it today or

whatever day it is, whenever you're taking this in about sexuality and what's going on. And I think we're a little bit on a new horizon there, you know, and I think you have to really ask yourself, what do you want and not be afraid to try it. You know, if you want to try, you know, if you, you know, everybody's, you know, every, we all service the, you know, we all fit somewhere in the sex world. You know, some people like, you know, tons of sex. Some people don't like any, you know. But just don't let the world or the environment or somebody else tell you how you should be sexually. Because that's where you start going astray.

And I've been there. You know, I remember actually one of the first times I ever partied on drugs, I was here in Baton Rouge. And I caught me some cocaine and somebody said it was a performance enhancing drug. I said, I went for a run. I'm thinking performance enhancing. I'll go for a run. And I ran eight miles on a couple grams of cocaine. You know, I'd pull off this runway, this, you know, track I was running on, you know,

or this, just went all around the city and i would pull off and do me a couple bumps out in the you know out in the palm fronds or out in the woods and then jump back on that track and keep running and i was wearing a pair of orange umbros you know and just running dude i was running so fucking fast boy because i'm thinking this shit is performance enhancing. And I'm about to up my ante. You know, I probably did a damn four minute mile, son. You know, running on cocaine and umbros. But half that time, I was probably thinking about leg, thinking about trim, thinking about ladies. You know, we all got something that motivates us, you know, we all have somewhere

where we fit in the sexual universe. And that's okay. You know, but we just, I think it is cool. I think it is good and healthy to ask ourself what that really is and be confident in it. You know, if you want to try something new, try something new. And if someone thinks you're weird for trying something, fuck them. They're not brave for, they're weak for not trying it. You know, because it's really, it's a, it's a wild game these days when it comes to sex, you know, and I think that everybody,

you know, to each their own, you know, but don't be afraid to be asexual, don't be afraid to, you know, to get on that elevator, that sex, that vertical sex trolley, you know, even if the black hammer's in there. Putting that white crotch to sleep. Don't be afraid to try. Don't be afraid to get out there. All right, man. I got to shut this down this week.

I'll see you guys next week. I'll talk to you guys soon. There will be links at the bottom of the episode on YouTube. Thank you guys so much for your support. Have a great week, man. Thank you, guys. Celebrate living. Celebrate misery. You know that soon we're gonna die. Let's have some fun while we're alive.

All right, man, you guys be good, man. Be good to yourselves, huh? I bet y'all deserve it, man. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner. The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends.

Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head. You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long. Longer than anybody else. So great.

Hi, it's me. Here's the deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Do you know what I mean? I'll take a dodgy bloody wanker. Jarmaine. I'll take a quarter pounder with cheese and a McFlurry. Sorry, sir, but our ice cream machine is broken. I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me. Anyway, first rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

Second rule of Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my brad pitt impression will get better